Original subtitles

Oh, yeah. Mmm.

Good year. Good year.

And then I'm just gonna pulse it, pulse it, pulse it.

Bam, done. Okay.

Who wants a Strawberry Latte Bull?

What is that?

Well, it's our three favorite morning beverages.

I'm talking strawberry Quik, decaf coffee, and Red Bull.

- Adam? - Okay. Please.

No, not while I'm handling firearms,

which are what I'm calling my arms now

'cause my muscles are on fire from all this sling-shooting.

- Whatever. - Ders, first up.

- Okay. - There you go, buddy.

- Nice and frothy. Mmm. - Mmm.

- Mmm. - Mm-mm.

Mm-mm? What?

- Not good at all. - Not good?

- That's surprising. - That's... yeah.

But I'm gonna choke this one down

because it is symbolic of our friendship.

And that's why you are the quarterback

- of our friendship. - Okay.

So this is what the world's coming to.

Oh, my gosh, this is what the world's coming to.

That's what the world's coming to.

Mm-hmm.

- News boobies. - Yeah.

I couldn't [bleep] to that if I tried.

- Mm. - And I have, actually.

I used to jerk off to a Sears catalog all the time.

Or was it JCPenney's?

Could have been Cabela's, but the chicks were super hot.

- Similar... similar vibes. - Mm. Cabela babe.

- [bird screeches] - Oh, sh...

- What'd you do? - Ah, I just shot it!

- Oh, direct hit! - What? No, no, no.

Hit it right in the face, right in the beak.

- Oh, God, we got to save it. - We got to save her.

- Yeah, no, it's gargling. - No, we have to save her.

- It's gargling. - Dude, Blake. Hey, whoa, whoa.

- Stop, man, it's too late. - It's never too late.

Here, you know what?

Just look at these news boobies.

- Oh, yeah. - Those are nice.

[The Skinny Boys' "Jockbox"]

I'm fresh

You gotta, you gotta, you gotta

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

Yeah, so I was just thinking, maybe at lunch

we could do the proper Magic Johnson hook shot burial,

you know, since he went out like that.

Yeah, but he died in a pool.

- There's honor in that. - Poor little dude.

Actually, I don't even know if it's a dude

because, you know, bird dicks are notoriously hard to locate.

I've been looking all morning.

I've actually spent my childhood locating bird dicks.

- Really? - You guys do that.

- I'm gonna do anything else. - You've got to pinch it.

- Yeah. - Hold that.

- You got to pinch it. - Ah.

They call me Trilly Zane.

Am I the guy that took Rancho Cuca Pizza's

Twitter followers from 200 to 2,100 in 13 months?

Have I left over 20,000 Yelp reviews?

Do I DM with Rainn Wilson on the reg?

You bet your SoulPancakes I do.

I have no idea what this guy's talking about,

but he seems... pretty cool.

I came here to do two things...

destroy old media paradigms

and increase sales using the power of viral marketing.

And it looks like we're almost out of old media paradigms.

[laughter] Was that funny?

- Oh. - I don't know.

But I thought it was an appropriate time to laugh.

- Hey, who is that guy? - He's really funny.

What? Oh, it's me.

- Whoa! - All: Oh!

Oh, you're the guy from the video that we just watched.

- I just got... - It's me. Trilly Zane.

- Hey, what up? - Oh, yeah, pound it.

- Very cool. - Yeah, no doubt. No doubt.

- Definitely, cool. - Oh, okay. I'll take one. Boom.

Sorry to crash the party,

but as you know, millennials are a huge emerging demo.

- Yeah, I've heard that. - I get that, yeah.

For sure, millennials.

And they're jacked into their devices 24/7,

so that means we got to get you guys up on all the socials,

blasting out content, jacking up hits, stacking up followers.

Jacking and stacking, baby.

And then convert all those followers into sales.

And that sounds pretty dope, right?

There is also all-expenses-paid work trip to the Virality Awards

in Lake Havasu to whoever has the highest Klout Score.

- Havasu? Oh, my God. Dude! - Lake Havasu, right?

You're talking about the place where basically

it's all stepmoms with pasties on their boobs...

Okay.

Cruising on speedboats, getting turnt? Yeah.

Nothing but energy drinks and freakin' plan B pills, baby!

That's the kind of life I want to live!

- Okay. - My plan A is plan B.

- Uh-oh. - Oh!

- Y'all forgot something. - The birds.

Great birdwatching.

Yeah, the... uh, yeah, I guess, sure.

Wait, uh, Klout Score? How do we get to Havasu?

Oh, oh, I know what it is.

It's like a test you take on Facebook,

- tells you how German you are. - Oh, right.

- Like Ancestry dot... yeah. - No.

Oh, I thought it was like a score

that you get from eating a ton of sauerklout

on, uh, like, a bratwurst.

- Okay, we got this, then. - Sure.

No. Klout is this super-chill metric that tells you

your social impact across all platforms.

- Whoo, we talking Klout? - 'Cause I got Klout like a mug.

Okay, I'm a beast on Black Twitter,

- like #bootyhadmelikehoo. - Mm.

Then I bust out a bunch of hilarious tweets,

and I stay getting faves.

Heck yeah. Okay. Tez, on fleek.

Tez is on fleek.

You look like human banana pudding.

Stay fleeking.

- Okay, buddy, let's go. - Okay, ready?

- We are the @3BestFrandz. - 3BestFrandz.

Yeah, and you are tuned into our YouTube page.

- So welcome. - That's right.

Let's introduce ourselves, I guess.

- Okay. - Okay, yeah.

My name's Anders. Call me Ders, though.

Um, who am I? I'm like...

I guess I'm like a country club bad boy, right?

And, uh, I enjoy Phil Collins hits and Tom Collins mix.

Also, I slam 40s and listen to Ty Dolla $ign, though.

So, like, I'm like a cornucopia of fun. Okay.

- Sick. Great job. - All right.

Really, that was solid.

Okay, yeah, hey. What's up? It's Blake, the hair one.

Okay, um, yeah.

I'm just, like, a super-chill laid-back dude,

jokester kind of guy, but also, like,

I get, like, really, like, stressed

and, like, total... have, like, anxiety

in most social situations.

Next person. Please, please.

Go. Go. Bail me out. Bail me out.

Yo, what up?

It's Ad-Rock, yeah, boy!

Um, I like, uh...

I like, uh, doing all kinds of stuff.

I like getting weird, and I like working out.

And sometimes I like just chilling and not working out.

And sometimes I, like, smash, like, 42 beers.

And other times I'll just, you know,

just have... just have two, like a-a nice stout.

- Sick. - Cool.

- And, uh, again, we are... - Nailed it.

- All: @The3BestFrandz. - Okay.

- With an A. - Hashtag.

Thanks for watching.

Tickle.

Hey, don't!

- You did great. - You were good.

- Honestly, really good stuff. - I was good.

Thank you. And so was I, though, you can...

- It goes around. - It goes around.

All right, Tres Delinquentes.

What does that say right there?

- Two views. - Yeah.

It says people are not engaging with your brands.

You've got to focus more on curating

your individual personas.

I mean, Blake, you're a super-chill millennial teen,

so don't go around telling me that you've got anxiety.

Now go bust out some super-chill rando vids on Snapchat

with this rad land paddleboard.

Oh, all right. Yeah.

- I like that. That's cool. - Yeah.

So we're selling these now?

He is. You're selling 9/11 memorabilia

because you are a mature all-American conservative.

You are human khakis.

Yeah, I mean, 9/11. Love it, but Ty Dolla $ign...

Forget about Ty Dolla $ign. Never forget about 9/11.

Sure, yeah.

So now go jump on LinkedIn.

Link out with your dink out.

- Sick. - Okay, now do me. Do me.

Have you ever heard of a man named Dan Bilzerian?

Dan Bilzerian? From Instagram?

He's like... he's like... isn't he...

he's like my hero.

I freakin' carry a photo of him in my pocket.

He's just scratching his beard. "What am I thinking of?"

I'll tell you what he's thinking of:

pussy, money, respect.

Yeah.

And I got all those things.

Except for I don't. I'm lying to you.

I'm-I'm actually pretty lonely.

- This is The Sleeve Cleaver. - [gasps]

It'll take any shirt

and turn it into a tank top in less than a second.

Okay, I'm not just gonna sell this.

I'm gonna devote my life to it.

- Okay? - I love it. Careful.

- They will cut your fingers off. - Okay.

[beatboxing]

[beatboxing]

Let's be sure and tag each other,

so we can stack some hits,

and then whoever's got the most Klout

takes the other two people to Havasu.

- That's smart. - Lake Havasu?

More like "Blake, be there soon."

[laughter]

You are inviting us, though, right?

- Yeah. Hold up, though. - Check your phones.

[cell phones chime]

Oh, my God. You followed me.

- I feel all warm and fuzzy. - Hey, and guess what.

You guys just got another follower.

- Who? [gasps] Ders. - Yeah.

[cell phone chimes] I didn't get it yet.

- You sent it? - Whoa, I just got a follower.

Who's @SilliestJilly?

Oh, that's me. That's me.

I'm so excited to be following @Dersmerica

and @YungChillunerr and @AdamnBilzarian.

I, like, can't wait to see what you guys do.

I'm on, like, everything social media,

so follow me back.

- Awesome, very cool. - Get out of my way!

- Oh, ouch! - Bill, what's wrong with you?

- Ouch, Bill. - My Klout Score.

Everything was going so well.

I had 20 followers on Twitter,

then got 45 likes on a meme I posted on IG.

And then I got cocky and tried Periscope.

- Cocky Periscope. - Yeah, I've heard of that.

It's when you pull your cocky out

and put it through the sunroof of a moving vehicle.

- Mm-hmm. - Right? Is it?

No, it's livestreaming video.

- So not what I said. - No.

- That's cool, though. - Okay.

It's livestreaming video.

And I accidentally yelled the F word

and not even in a mean way.

I was just talking about gay people. Now I'm ruined.

- Poor guy. - [cell phone chimes]

Note to self... don't try Periscope.

Check it out... my dumbass dad

fell asleep while waiting to pick me up from school.

We're about to clown this fool.

[snoring]

[electronic music]

-[horn blares] - [gasps] Oh! Oh!

- [laughs] - God damn it, Son!

Suck it, Dad. Sorry, not sorry.

God, you stupid... you're so stupid, @YungChillunerr.

You're so stupid, @YungChillunerr.

Okay, just say it once.

[upbeat music]

Psst. Hey, Brenda! Hold this.

- Did you get it? - Yep, yep, yep.

- Follow me, @AdamnBilzarian. - Got it. Let's go.

- Instagram. - Got it. Got it. Go. Go.

America.

It's an idea.

Bootstraps.

The call of an eagle.

We're not France.

We like French fries, though.

"Star-Spangled Banner."

Purple magic mountain majesty.

I don't even know what it means, but I salute it.

Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these.

Sure, it sounds Asian,

but I guarantee you it was written by an American.

That's what I'm talking about.

When I pop this balloon with my sling-shoot,

you're gonna be hosed with Muscle Milk.

Now... now don't act cold or sad.

I know that'll be the initial feeling.

You're supposed to be sexy, okay?

We're going sexy. Ready?

Hey, Anders, are you with us or, like...

- What? - Oh, sorry, dudes.

Please call me Andy Holmes, guys.

Just sounds more American for my brand.

I won't do that. Ready, Blake?

- [cell phone dings] - Yep.

Ooh, yeah!

- [cell phone dings] - All right, look at the camera.

I'm rich!

- Hey, Dad. - Yeah, Son?

What are those?

- They're my shoes. - Smack cam!

- What? - [laughing] Oh!

God damn it, YungChillunerr!

Suck it, Dad!

I would... I would... I would never do that.

[cell phone chimes]

You guys want a hit off my Strawberry Latte Bull?

No, no, no, I'm just gonna drink the Red Bull.

And coffee here.

Whatever. Don't care.

There's my boys,

Rancho's three biggest web celebs.

You think I'm a celeb?

Totes McGoats, man.

You've been cranking out some epic content.

Appreciate it.

So you ready to leverage your brand outside of your core demo?

- [chuckles] - Sure.

- You tell me. - Uh, then check it.

This is the EZ Egger.

Ooh, I like it. Impressive.

What's... what does it do?

It makes cooking eggs up to 65% easier.

- Uh, yeah. - Eggs are tough.

I'm not sure that's on brand for me, bro.

Yeah, my flock doesn't like to cut corners,

so count me out.

Yeah, it... it really doesn't matter at this point, man.

I mean, your followers should buy whatever you tell them.

That's why they're called followers.

- Okay. - Yeah.

That's why they're called followers.

- Yeah. - Is it...

Where's my coconut water?

I told corporate this was non-negosh.

- Alice! - Alice!

- He's pissed. - Man, later.

Trilly's... Trilly's the best.

Hey, you guys need to clear out of here.

I'm gonna film a new Instagram video where

I karate chop my head through a vodka-infused candied ham.

I'm calling it a "feast of strength."

No, you can't, because I'm about to christen this

the "Ronald Reagan Memorial Break Room," so...

Mmm, no, you guys are gonna have to leave.

But luckily for you, you bought yourself a few extra minutes

because I have to go poo-poo.

- All right. - Go take a Blake.

I'll be back.

Yeah, don't forget to wipe your...

Uh, what are you? Andy?

I don't know what you're calling yourself, you idiot.

You wish.

Hey, uh, noticed you hadn't connected with me on LinkedIn.

So if you could do that, that'd be great.

Thanks.

LinkedIn is for lame old try-hards.

Are you calling me old?

Hey, never forget 9/11.

Also, never forget how old you really are.

Oh.

I want to see a birth certificate.

Oh, let me see your ID, 'cause I'm pretty sure it reads Anders.

Hmm? Doesn't sound very American to me, does it?

You freakin' birther.

- I'm American. - Let's see a birth certificate.

Oh, well, let's see what your real name is.

- It's Anders... - All right, time's up.

There is no way you wiped your butt.

Uh, yeah, no, I didn't have to wipe,

because it came out in just one...

it just fell right out.

- Time to freakin' go. - You know what?

Both you guys suck.

I'm gonna stack some Klout points and go to Havasu solo.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe you're all together IRL.

Uh, could I get a quick selfie for Facebook?

- Uh... - Me in a photo with these guys?

I don't think so.

Yeah, but you guys are the @The3BestFrandz.

Uh, not anymore.

I can't be in a picture with these guys.

It's just... wouldn't make sense, really.

Well, but I'm a Blaker Girl, and I'm an Adam Madam.

- And I'm Randy for Andy. - That's not his real name.

- I can't choose one. - Well, you kind of have to.

- Yeah. - Don't be stupid.

It's whoever's best at social media.

- Pick one of us right now. - Please don't do this to me!

- Just choose one! - What are we doing?

- You pick one of us! - Gosh damn it, boys!

What are we gonna do come Christmas?

I loved you!

All of you!

[beatboxing]

America.

Farmers, chickens, eggs.

The foundation of life,

regardless of whatever Planned Parenthood tells you.

But I always say, when life tries to hard-boil you,

just hard-boil eggs

in under three minutes with the EZ Egger.

Real hard-boiled eggs.

That's good.

God bless America.

Get ready to soar once again.

- Ah! - Oh!

Oh, that old yuppie just hit a baby bald eagle!

[laughs]

Who did that? What was that?

Remember to follow me, YungChillunerr on Snapchat.

I see you!

You know how it is.

You're vaped out of your mind. You're starving.

You got the munchies.

All you want is some cooked eggs,

but to make them is...

freakin' hard.

[chuckles] It sucks, but not anymore.

Now it's really easy.

Hey, Son.

Have you seen my EZ Egger?

Uh, no.

Why don't you check your butt,

where you keep everything else, Dad?

EZ Egger.

Okay.

Shyeah. [chuckles]

[dramatic music]

[sighs]

How unfortunate to hear about all the Internet backlash,

but I suppose the truth

was going to rear its ugly head sooner or later.

Okay, cut the camera. Yeah, right.

What are you talking about?

Well, I guess someone leaked a pic of your birth certificate

and posted it on Vine.

Oops.

Karl, give me my phone.

[cell phone chimes]

Wait, you can't...

I hate you, Ders!

I hate you! I got to go, Karl.

- I got to go. - Okay. Okay.

Oh, hey, are you gonna eat these eggs?

Okay, going to the 60-second rule.

It's all me, baby.

Hope you're happy, Andy,

because my Klout Score is ruined.

Oh, give it a rest, Henderson.

You know you brought this hellfire down on both of us.

Doesn't matter anymore.

Neither of us are going to Lake Havasu now.

Oh, well, maybe Adam can go.

Yeah, maybe I could go

if Instagram didn't just shut down my account.

- What? - Oh, so you sabotaged him too.

Don't give me too much credit. I wish I did that.

That's... that's not what happened.

I tried to hold a contest for sickest tank pic of the day,

and then this girl, she showed me, uh, a pic of her jambos.

And so I was like, this deserves more than a repost,

- which was going to be the prize. - both: Right.

But I know how chicks work.

It's tick for tack.

She wanted to see the D. You know what I mean?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

So I sent her a picture of my dick,

and instead of sending it to her,

I posted it on the Instagram.

- Oh, you're on blast. - Uh-oh.

I mean, I still got the jambo pic.

- You want to see it? - Both: Yeah.

- Oh, yeah. - Those are sweater pups.

- Oh, nice. - They're good, right?

They're good. They're my cousin Tracy's.

They are nice.

Shwha? Hmm?

Oh. Okay. I'm sorry.

I didn't know that when I sent the dick pic.

I should've known, because I know those tits.

- Yeah. - DeMamps.

We're known for our giant titties.

- Some of the men too. - Guys.

Hey, guys. Question.

What happened to us?

I mean, look at... this is insane.

We're not these dumb brands, right?

- Right. - I know it, man.

I mean, we used to just be three best friends

who liked looking at, you know, big ol' chumbawumbas.

We're just horny, horny titty boys.

Would've seen a lot of them in Havasu.

But we're not going. That's right.

All the stepmoms with the pasties on speedboats

getting turnt up?

- Bye-bye. - And birdwatching.

And the birdwatching.

Wait a second.

There's one more thing we can do.

It'll get our Klout Scores right through the roof.

But if we mess it up,

I'm serious when I say we can never show our faces

on the Internet ever again.

Tell us.

Both: Periscope.

Yep. Yeah.

You guys get the car with the moonroof,

and I'll be ready to hang my thang.

I'm having a big day, actually.

- But we don't need... - Yeah.

It doesn't...

- Just let him do it. - Yeah.

What's going on?

Maybe one of you guys can do it.

[beatboxing]

[beatboxing]

All right. What's up? All right, everybody.

We're gonna get back to the craft beers

and vegan hot dogs in a hot sec.

But real quick, just want to officially announce

the TAC Social Media Brandbassador

with the highest Klout Score

who's gonna be rolling deep with me to the Virality Awards

in Lake Havasu.

Say my name! Everybody!

Not so fast, punk!

Yo, yo, yo.

It's @The3BestFrandz, coming to you live on Periscope!

- Hi! - Ah!

We've got something to tell you guys.

How many of you are sick of pretending

you're someone you aren't just to get followers?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah. For example, Ghostman.

We all know that you're not in a biker gang, man.

You had a poem published in the newspaper last week.

That was my wife's obituary.

- Yes. - Oh.

And then, Waymond, you're not Redfoo.

No one wants to party rock at your house tonight.

Take off those stupid [bleep] glasses.

You look like an idiot.

And by golly, the same goes for you, Diane.

You don't have to carry around

the stereotypical Chinese geisha fan

to get followers, okay?

[speaking native language]

I'm not sure what you said,

but delete whatever he told you to be, okay?

Delete that. Feel good.

- She... she gets it. - Yep.

Here's the main target, right here.

- Tez, my man, what's up, dude? - Hey.

- Come on. - Right.

You got to quit faking the funk, bro,

because we know who you are.

And you don't got to do all this to rule Black Twitter, okay?

- You're working a little hard. - Yeah, you're complex, dude.

You're more than just, you know, what we're looking at here.

- Right. - You're right, Blake.

Get this gold off of my neck.

And you know what?

I'm going speed skating after work.

And if anybody got a problem with it,

you can kiss my aerodynamic,

bodysuit-wearing, natural black, hairy ass.

- All right. - There's a visual.

- Very disgusting. - We don't want to do that.

- Okay, yeah. - But thank you.

Deleting all this bull[bleep].

Hey, I don't know about you guys,

but I'm sick of worrying about my followers,

and I'm ready to care about my friends, all right?

Yeah. I'm sick of pretending to be a brand for likes.

Yeah. I'm not a brand.

I'm a man.

- And we are men! - Yep.

- And some of us are women. - Yeah.

Not brands.

- Delete your apps! - Yes.

All: Delete your apps! Delete your apps!

Okay. All right.

Okay, okay, everybody. All: Delete your apps!

- Delete... - Uh, Alice?

Alice, seems like this is getting a little out of control?

Nah, the Internet is garbage.

- Garbage? - Okay, great.

Well, you can just tell corporate

that you hate the future.

Oh, or why don't I tell corporate that ever since

you signed these knuckleheads up for the "Internet,"

we haven't had a single sale?

- Delete your apps! - Yeah!

- All: Delete your apps! - Yeah!

- All: Delete your apps! - All right. All right, fine.

- All: Delete your apps! - You know what?

I was gonna give y'all a beta invite

to B.J. Novak's new app, but you can forget about it.

Hey, there's still one score left.

[dramatic music]

- @The3BestFrandz? - [gasps]

[all cheering]

I'm going to Havasu!

- We're going to Havasu, baby! - Birdwatching!

Oh, oh, oh, [Bleep].

That's [Bleep] awesome.

Let's watch that again.

I'm so [Bleep] dickhead.

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