Original subtitles

Does this look like a rifle?

- Uh... yeah. Kind of. - Thanks.

God, it seems like the season

comes faster every year, you know?

Honestly, every person I run into keeps blabbing

about how awesome our 4/20 party was last year,

and I'm like, "Bitch, you don't even know.

This year, we've got a 42-blunt salute!"

Dude, I don't even know what that is,

and I got goose pimples up and down my arms.

- Yeah. - Remember how last year,

I lip-synched Cypress Hill for, like, five hours?

Yes.

So this year, I think I'm just gonna freestyle it.

Just, like, go, you know what I mean?

You know how I do.

And I'm gonna call myself "Cypress Chill."

Get out.

That's what I was gonna call myself,

except for not "Cypress Chill."

I was gonna call myself the "Chill Sergeant."

Happy holidays.

- Happy holidays. - Happy holidays.

I want you guys to go ahead,

and it's a free-for-all with that box there.

I don't want any of it. It's all up for grabs.

- Blake, these are your pornogs. - Yeah.

What are you doing? These are classics.

All the pages are stuck together.

Yeah. I know.

You're freaking me the freak out right now, okay?

Go back in your room and crank it down.

Sorry, can't help you with that one, bud,

because... I'm a boyfriend now.

Who are you boyfriending?

Well, my love's name is Erin Mantini.

Okay, great, but just because you've got a girl

doesn't mean you got to get rid of your whack stash.

Fellas, now that I'm a boyfriend,

I'm just sort of above that kind of behavior, you know?

I mean, I'm in love.

I don't want to seem like a creep.

[laughs]

[sighs] I'm in love.

Yes?

[The Skinny Boys' "Jockbox"]

I'm fresh

You gotta, we gotta, you gotta

Gotta be fresh

Sync and corrections by btsix www.addic7ed.com

Dro, dro, dro.

Happy holidays.

- Happy holidays. - Happy holidays.

Whoa, I love what you've done with the place.

- It's so 4/20-friendly. - Absolutely.

- Okay. - Ashtray.

- Might've broke the... - Dig right on in, baby.

All: Ooh.

We got bowls. We got blunts.

We got weed bricks that'll make you feel like an angel

and hash that'll make you feel like you're on mushrooms.

- Ow! - Happy four twizzle.

Why don't you guys get nuts,

and I'm gonna get you your moola, huh?

All right, man. Ho, ho, ho!

- I kind of like it. - Still not friends.

Last year, you know I sold out by noon?

I had to go harvest ditch weed off of exit 311.

Yo, Chill Sergeant DeMamp!

Did you move the moola?

I did not move the moola.

In fact, last time I saw the moola,

it was grazing free range by the couch.

[laughter]

Oh, did I forget to tell you guys?

I got great news.

I sent all $800 to Erin, my love, in the mail.

You're joking, right?

You took our money

that we all pooled together for the entire year

and just gave it to your girlfriend?

Guys, she told me there was

a can't-miss business investment.

Some dude in Algeria or something,

which, actually, you dudes owe me,

like, $40 worth of moola

because it took a lot of money to ship all that loose change.

Okay, this sounds like a great investment,

and I wish you all the best.

- I hope you get your money back. - I will.

But it's 4/20, and there's no [bleep] layaway plans, okay?

So until shit changes, page me.

Whoa.

Can we at least get 42 blunts until we figure this out?

Happy holidays.

- Happy holidays. - Happy holidays.

Guys, relax.

My love told me that she is going to mail me the money.

Why are you guys mailing stuff to each other?

Bitch, have you ever met this woman?

Do you even know that bitch?

She's not a bitch, okay?

She's my love,

and we have what you would call a "cyber romance."

- So you've never actually met her? - We met on the internet,

where a lot of kids are falling in love nowadays.

You guys are really outdating yourself here.

Blake, you stupid dumb idiot moron bitch.

No offense, but you've been catfished, okay?

- That's what's happening. - Okay.

All your ex-girlfriends are fives.

This chick's a ten.

So that didn't, like, have any

"This bitch probably ain't real" red flags pop up in your head?

Who's to say what's real?

And I don't know. Maybe I really got a winner.

Erin is real! What are you doing?

- That's it! - Okay.

You sit down and don't make me use 'em!

Don't make me use my muscles!

"You could never make me not love you, my love,

but please send me more money before it's too late, my love."

Dude, she's bleeding you dry.

She's milking your money teat, Blake.

What are you doing? Don't...

- Sit! - Relax.

I'm texting her, inviting her to the party

so we can all meet her.

No! All right?

We are waiting for the exact perfect right time

to meet each other.

Please don't do that!

"Sorry. Can't make it.

Car trouble, my love."

"Sorry. Can't make it.

Car trouble, my love"?

That is a classic catfish excuse!

Totally.

And no offense,

but I can't believe you're so stupid, 'cause a girl

this hot is never gonna be interested in you, no offense.

All right. Maybe I am ugly.

But maybe what we have is... is deeper than looks, okay?

I hope you both die before I walk through this door.

Dang!

Well, I'm not gonna give up on 4/20.

Good.

So, sadly, I will have to call out of work today

and launch a full-on recon...

No, wait, a weedcon...

And find enough ditch weed to roll up 42 blunts

and have a 42-blunt salute

and save the party and save the day.

Maybe I could go catfish some people,

you know, get some easy money.

Sorry, catfish some people, get some easy moola.

Okay. I was confused. Yeah.

I didn't know what you were talking about.

Yo, Tez, my good friend.

- Just a second. - Did you get a email?

Did you get a email, man?

That's the hook to the song like blam

Gats be spraying, and I'm just saying

- Can I...

- Stop. Stop. Stop.

What you doing?

Sorry. My email's down.

I was wondering if yours is working and if maybe

you got a email sent to you that could be, like,

a cool thing you might be into.

I don't know.

That's okay. Let me see.

Actually, look at this.

- What is it? - Okay.

Billion Man March.

Billion Man March? What?

Only $1,500.

You know what? I should do it.

Yes, you should. Great. Awesome.

But... but... but I can't. I can't.

I've been splurging at the new titty bar...

- No. - Every day.

Colleen has been watching me like a hawk.

She everywhere.

All my money got to go to my children.

Why am I so ugly, Lord?

The zits, the snot, the boogers, the stinky butt,

the bad breath, the globs of earwax in the morning,

my weird teeth,

my stupid hair, my itchy butt,

the BO, the dandruff, the below-average dick.

What is your plan?

You know every hair on my head, Lord.

I know you have a plan for me.

Aah!

Oh... you scared me, dude.

Happy holidays.

Oh, happy holidays!

- Happy holidays. - Hi!

Who the hell are you?

My name is Chill Sergeant DeMamp,

at your service!

- Are you army? - Well, yeah.

I guess so. Army of one.

Oh. How many tours you do, Sergeant?

It's been a while since I've gone on a tour,

but I used to go on a lot, I did the Anheuser-Busch tour.

- Bush! - Which is cool.

- They give you, like, little... - Yeah, I went through the bush.

Nips, and then the Play-Doh tour, that was the shit.

I have been in the shit, you understand?

Cool. Right on.

- But I'm out! - Yeah, nice.

My boy. I know you ca... you...

You want... you want some ditch weed, don't you?

Well, it's two clicks this way,

so let's roll, Sergeant!

Hey, men! This is... this is DeMamp.

He's a drill sergeant in the army.

I'm a... no.

I'm a chill sergeant. Yeah.

Trying to get a pillowcase full of weed.

Yeah.

A sergeant with an upside-down

private patch on your shoulder?

What's the real story?

- My friend Karl... - Karl?

- We hate that son of a bitch. - Yeah.

- He smells like shit. - Yeah.

He raids our fields at night,

tries to sell our weed for profit.

Whose side are you on, son?

There's no sides, guys.

There's not... Let's face it, guys.

4/20 only comes around once a year,

and it is our job to make sure that every man,

woman, and child who wants to get stoned

can get stoned,

because this is America, the land of the free

and the home of the chill!

Now, let's go get some weed!

You want us to give you weed for free, right?

- That's the plan, yes. - I don't think so.

- We're gonna kick your ass. - Really?

Yeah.

Oh, lights out, babe.

Hey, Bill. Could we talk?

- I was just reading the web. - Yeah. Relax. It's fine.

I'm into ladies' football.

Go, Chicago Bliss.

See that email on the top there?

What is that? Click on that.

What is that?

"Please donate to Save Mammals Now.

"There's been a tsunami in China, and all the panda bears

are at risk unless you send $500 now"?

Not the pandas, Bill!

We got to send money.

Do you know what I'd do with $500 if I had it?

For starters, I'd eat fresh meat.

I've been a freegan for two months now.

Gas was shut off. Power too.

I've been trading bread for nudes with my neighbors,

so those are out there now.

Can't wait for those chickens to come home to roost.

Okay.

Can I borrow 100 bucks, actually?

Just need some trash bags to sleep in is all.

Oh, my God. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Jeez. - Hi. Hello.

Hey.

TGIF.

Who's ugly now?

I can't freaking believe

Bill didn't come through with the moola.

- What are you doing? - I'm taking the stuff down.

I almost died for that ditch weed, okay?

We're gonna... we're gonna have the 4/20 party.

We can't have a party with no bud and no moola.

- It's all Blake's fault! - All right, fine.

It's all my fault.

What do you guys want me to do, kill myself?

Then you can collect my life insurance and have your stupid awesome party.

Like you... like you have life insurance, pal.

By the way, the whole makeup thing, dude, that's got to go.

- That's not happening. - I'm not wearing any makeup.

- Honestly, you look uglier. - Yeah.

You look like the female gremlin.

You look like Greta, yeah.

You look like Greta the gremlin,

and she was hideously ugly.

I don't want you to take offense to that.

Please don't.

That's it. I'm out of here.

Oh, happy holidays, indeed.

What a bitch.

He's a bitch. [doorbell rings]

- And you're getting good at that, man. - Thank you.

- Do not stop practicing. - I won't.

Happy holi... damn.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Erin.

I'm a friend of Blake's.

This is the address that he gave me for the party.

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry about anything

in your whole life, sweetheart.

Yeah, yeah. You're... you're real.

- You're Erin Mantini, here. - Yes!

And you must be Ders and Adam.

Blake has told me so much about you guys.

Wait, I thought that you

texted you weren't gonna be here.

Oh, no, I wanted it to be a surprise for my love

because our investment went global,

and I have here $18,000.

Is he here?

Uh...

Hi. I'm Erin.

Say something, you [bleep] weirdo.

No offense.

Hi. Hey.

Erin, it's...

I'm Blake's friend,

Alph... Alphonso.

[with foreign accent] Howdy. How do you do?

Blake is out of town currently.

Oh, that's right.

He goes dirt biking in the desert on Saturdays.

- I totally forgot. - No, he doesn't.

He will be back tomorrow.

I will take moola from you.

I give to him.

Oh, no, no, no, I want to see the look on my love's face

when I hand it to him in person.

- It was nice to meet you guys. - Okay.

- You're amazing. - Happy holidays.

I need you to be 100% real with me when I ask you

the question, "Did you send her a photo of another man?"

I did.

- I'm a catfisher. I catfish... - You're the catfisherman.

Yeah. I'm a cyberterrorist.

Wait, you used a photo

of my likeness, didn't you?

Actually, I used a picture of Montez.

- Ew! Why? - So not...

- Oh, my God! - What do you mean?

Montez was, like, really good-looking in high school.

He looked like French Montana, actually.

- No. - I'll go talk to her.

I'll explain to her everything, and I'll get the moola back.

You can't go talk to her, 'cause if you do,

she's gonna think you're a fat, pig-faced loser

and not want to talk to you, no offense.

Adam, you're right. I think we got to keep this fish on the hook.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

Happy holidays.

- Happy holidays. - Happy holidays.

Whoa, what the hell are y'all doing here?

You're interrupting my family bonding time!

We're in a bit of a pickle, and we need your help.

Vlasic.

Okay. Junior, hydration station.

Y'all have exactly two minutes. What?

Okay, Blake catfished this woman...

I hate that word.

Using a picture of you from high school,

which we don't understand either, 'cause...

We're wondering if you could just pretend to be Blake

for, like, about an hour.

Hey, bitch. Ooh, sorry.

I didn't know your work friends were here.

I'm kidding. Of course I knew.

Listen, I'm gonna go get ready for dance class.

You're good to go with the kids tonight?

Yes, I am, honey. I was just telling them how...

Yeah. I'm already walking away.

- Do you see I'm on thin ice? - Okay.

What's gonna happen is, I'm gonna put on a sumo suit.

If I win, you pretend to be Blake,

and if you win...

I got it. You're good.

You won't win 'cause I'm...

- I'm gonna beat your ass, dude. - Yeah.

Whoo!

- Yeah. - I'm gonna beat your ass!

I'm gonna beat your ass!

I'm gonna beat your ass!

I'm gonna beat your ass.

[screaming] I'm sorry!

You the bitch!

[yelling]

Damn! You got pancaked like a bitch!

He cheated!

Hell no. Friendship attack!

I'm next!

- We family up in here! - Hell yeah!

No, no, no, no, no!

[both grunting]

What if we gave you $2,500?

Man, lead with that.

Okay. Can y'all hear me?

Yes. We hear you.

No, I'm talking about my son Y'all.

Cover his ears.

[watch dings]

All right. Here you go, partner. Excellent.

Happy holidays, okay? Tell your wife I said hello.

Happy holidays.

My moon and stars.

Oh, goddamn.

She's sugar to the core.

Oh, my gosh.

Blake, you're real!

Of course I'm real.

That's my girl.

That's my girl.

How long has it been?

You know, it's been three months

next Wednesday, my love.

You remembered the day?

So how many girls you been with?

Six, borderline seven.

Dude, I've been to the boneyard more than you.

[mockingly] "Dude, I've been to the boneyard more than you."

Guys, please.

You look a little different than that picture you sent me.

That was a little bit ago.

I mean in a good way.

Usually, I'm only attracted to long-haired skater types,

you know, skinny slacker bros

who are effortlessly cool but still have a soft side,

and this is kind of embarrassing,

but I even dated Carrot Top.

This is getting a little crazy, right?

Now, I'm a little... I'm, like,

a better-looking Carrot Top, I've been told.

Way less talent.

No offense, but you're uglier and not as talented.

Okay, wait. Let me get this straight.

So you're the ugly one, yeah? And you're the white nerd?

That's what I'm getting. I can't figure out what you are.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You're the little bitch that got beat up by my dad.

Your dad didn't beat me up.

- He cheated. - Oh, really?

Yeah, he cheated by using all of his lard.

Hey. Hey. Am I gonna have to separate you two?

Oh, World Star. World Star.

- Ders, do something. - You...

- Come on! - Over there.

You stay right here. Sit down!

Junior, you play with that.

Adam...

Ooh.

You got me... Oh, I love these things.

[both laughing]

This just seems so natural, right?

It's like I can tell you anything.

Oh, like... like what?

I'm actually having some dirty thoughts about you and me.

It's just me and you here.

You can tell me anything.

I know you told me that you have a very big penis.

Mm, it's kind of embarrassing,

but I have a very shallow cervix.

Whoa.

And it's very painful

for me to have sex with big guys.

- What? - Really.

Below average or, ideally, a micro-penis is perfect.

Did you hear that? We're meant to be.

God made us for each other!

Please, let me go, Ders!

No. Just keep texting.

Oh! Dudes, I'm sold out. Like, entirely.

The holiday shopping season is over.

I hope that doesn't ruin any thoughts that are

running around in that handsome little head of yours.

Not at all.

Actually...

He turned his phone off.

He's completely gone rogue.

He's trying to steal my love away from me, Ders.

I say let it fly,

and I think you should start using your noodle,

not your heart.

- You want to get nuts? - He did it. - Yeah!

- Let's get nuts! - Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. We gonna tear it up.

[all speaking at once]

Okay. Where's the bed?

- The bed is, like... - Stop it now!

- Oh, no, oh, no. - No! No!

- Oh, let's do that. - Yeah, definitely do that.

- Blake, Stop! - Hey, hey.

- Whoa, hey. - What's going on?

- Fancy meeting you two here. - Hi. What's happening?

You remember me, Erin. Um, okay.

I just have to get something off my chest.

- I knew it. - What's going on?

Oh, my God.

- Go to the arcade. - Cool.

I'm sorry, what is going on, and who are you?

I'm his wife. Who are you?

- You're married? - Okay.

- Dudes, you want to step in here? - No.

- Not really. I don't. - Okay.

This ain't what it looks like. See, let me explain.

- See, these idiots... - No, actually, I can explain.

I'm not mad.

- You're not mad? - No. I'm actually relieved.

Honey, I love you. I love our marriage.

I love our family, our house, all our possessions.

But recently, I signed up for Ashley Madison 'cause

I want us to be open, and I want us to share together

and have fun again.

Baby, I want that too.

I think I'm gonna go and let you two work this out.

- Yeah. - No. Really, it's okay.

- And we're all adults here. - Mm-hmm.

And you two, it looks like, were really hitting it off.

Frankly, it was really freaking hot.

And she got a little coochie too.

- I mean... - [whispering indistinctly]

Goddamn, I love you, woman.

You know, maybe you could stick around

and the three of us can, you know,

try something new together.

I'm always down for something new.

Mm... want something here.

- Hot damn! - Oh!

Baby, bam.

Grando

- [loud moaning and groaning] - Where are my parents?

They are... They got food poisoning.

From eating each other's butt[bleep],

which is what they're doing in there, definitely.

[panting]

- Erin. - Let's go home.

Aww. Come on, y'all.

See you later, guys. Eat [bleep], Adam.

Yeah, you mean like your parents just did

out of a stranger's bum-bum?

Hey, there's no way you've had more sex than me!

That was some freaky-deaky biz-nass

that was going on in there.

Thank you, thank you, and,

Blake, most of all, thank you.

Here is $800 for you.

That's $2,500 for me,

and the rest go to the manager,

'cause guess what.

We did some damage in there.

- Happy holidays. - Happy holidays.

- Happy holidays to you. - All right.

Alright, Chill Sergeant DeMamp

states the 4/20 party is back on!

Dude, Karl's sold out of weed.

Where are we gonna find any weed on 4/20 eve?

Yeah. Now, that's what I call moola.

- Happy holidays to you. - Yeah.

- Happy holidays, my main man. - Happy holidays.

Oh, dude. Perfect timing.

Cypress Chill's about to take stage.

All right. Goody, goody, goody.

What's going on?

Ah, well, you know, Erin broke up with me.

- Yeah. - I don't know.

I guess Montez had, like, a really big dong or something.

I feel super sorry for her.

Like, you big-dicked freak show.

Like, join the circus with your lasso dick.

It's all good, though.

You guys should get pretty excited

'cause there's some Blake Chesterfield Hender-nachos

about to come out the oven!

Here's the... This is the real meaning of 4/20.

You ready to get rocked?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you going to freestyle rap, though?

No, pretty terrified about doing that

in front of people, so...

Yeah, and also, no offense, you're really bad at it.

Pick it, pack it, fire it off

Come along and take a hit from the bong

Put the blunt down just for a second

Don't get me wrong, it's not a new method

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