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Certain things you can count on

for Valentine's day... flowers, candy,

Mike ranting about flowers and candy...

I'm just saying it's not a real holiday. It's a scam cooked up

by the greeting card companies, and everybody buys into it.

Some college kid in an office building somewhere

is gonna write a card telling me how I feel? I don't think so.

You don't have to get me a card.

I'll get you your card. And what about the flowers?

I got to bring flowers just 'cause it's February 14th?

What if I want to bring you flowers

on some other day of the year? You don't need to bring me flowers.

Yeah, I'm gonna be the one idiot in America

who doesn't bring his wife flowers on Valentine's day.

Don't worry. You'll get your flowers.

And while you're there, we need vacuum bags and a new plunger.

Hey, Brick, you're slowing down. Come on.

You got 30 kids in the class. You got to keep moving.

Have you guys seen these things? It's candy with words on it.

Candy and words? Who thought of this?

Brick, we got to sign your name to the card,

stick it in the envelope with a couple of hearts, lick it.

Come on. Brick, stick, lick, done.

When did they invent these?

"Be mine"... so simple, yet so profound.

"Love ya"... genius!

Hey, Sue. You want to help Brick with his valentines?

Sorry, mom. I'm on my own project here,

and I've only got four days left.

Valentine's day had started Sue thinking about love

and the fact that she still hadn't found the boy she shared

her first kiss with on the church Halloween hayride.

Ironically, after the hayride,

the boy left before the girl dressed like a crayon

could find something to write down his name and number.

But that didn't stop Sue from looking for him.

Thank you for coming. Do you have a son?

Thank you for coming. Do you have a son?

Oh. Excuse me, sir. I'm taking a survey.

Uh, can I get your address, kids' names,

and what they went dressed as for Halloween? What's this for?

School.

And... the whales.

I just know I'm gonna find him, carly.

I just have to up my search. I wouldn't count on it.

If I kissed you, I'd probably go into hiding, too.

Oh! Get in the unemployment line, 'cause you just got axed!

Not the one with the lion on it.

Whoa. What's the big deal about this one?

"I like you, and I'm not lion."

Someone spent four years in college to come up with that.

That one's for autumn Wagner.

Ohh, so who's autumn Wagner?

She has pink lips and can do three cartwheels...

In a row.

Well... no wonder she gets the lion Valentine.

Come on. You heard your mom. Brick, stick, lick, done.

Are you nuts? I can't put my name on it.

Then she'll know I like her.

I'm gonna sign it, "love," and then a question mark.

Ohh, secret admirer. Have I met her before?

You will tomorrow. You signed up to do

the Valentine craft and party, remember? What?

They also need you to bring 30 empty shoeboxes.

Well, I can't.

If you recall, your teacher banned me from the classroom.

So, Mike, looks like you're up.

Oh, I'm gonna be busy buying you flowers.

Nice try.

If I were you,

I'd start trolling the dumpster behind shoe barn.

If you get there in the morning, there aren't so many cats.

I got to tell you, being banned wasn't all that bad.

I had the day off of work, the house to myself,

and a backlog of Oprahs waiting for me.

Hey, mom. Axl.

What are you doing here?

I was just cleaning the cupboards. It's a teacher in-service day.

Well, if y don't have school, what are you doing out of bed?

Well, I was thinking maybe you could take me to the mall.

You mean, like, drop you off? Like... go inside.

T our standard deal of not coming within 50 feet of you?

I'm allowing a one-time exception. Oh, really? What's the occasion?

Well, I started dating this chick Vanessa

a week before Valentine's day,

and now I'm on the hook to get her a present. Rookie mistake.

And I was totally cracking under the pressure,

but then I thought, "hey, mom used to be a girl once.

Maybe she could help me pick something out."

So you're... asking me to do something with you?

Like, for real?

Oh, Axl.

Of course I'll go with you.

Mom? Do you want to put some clothes on?

Oh, right.

Usually, I'm telling you that!

How about this?

No? Um... this?

Maybe. Ohh...

God. Why is this so hard?

Shopping with my son... he asked me.

It's okay. We're gonna find something.

There's at least 12 other stores in this mall for girls your age.

Yeah... She's not exactly my age.

Well, whose age would she be?

Someone who's 19.

Okay. Well, does she like butterflies?

Yeah! That could be sweet. It'd match her tattoo.

Tattoo?

Well, I guess a lot of people have tattoos these days, so...

So what, if she has a little butterfly? It's sort of more like

a flock of 'em going from her neck all the way down to...

maybe she'd like a scarf. Girls like scarves.

Hey! Good call. You know, that one would match her hair.

Oh, yeah? So her hair's pink?

Not like one of those lame people you see with pink hair.

It's like a ally cool pink.

You know? Well, the part that's not shaved, I mean. Okay, look, Axl...

mom, I want to thank you again for helping me out.

You're really saving me here.

Do you want to grab some lunch at the food court?

Well, sure! I'm hungry. I guess we could get something.

My son invited me to lunch.

Carnation for your Valentine?

Buy a carnation for your Valentine!

So stupid for not getting his number. I just thought

he'd be back at youth group and I'd see him again.

Sue, it's been four months, and you haven't found him.

I-m-h-o, I just think focusing your energy on someone who may

or may not be real isn't helping you find someone who... is real.

Oh, my God! You think I made him up?

Maybe it was just post-traumatic stress

from not being asked to the Halloween dance.

That was pretty stressful.

And I did eat a lot of sugar that night. Huh.

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You really think I could have made him up?

I'm usually not that creative.

Oh. Sorry.

I don't know.

Brick's dad. Should I use pink glitter or purple?

Pink or purple?

Just... just... glue something... Slap some glitter on it, and...

There are no wrong answers.

Brick's dad! Brick's dad! I ran out of glue.

Well, you got plenty on your hands there.

If you run out of that, there's more on my shirt.

Hey! Look out, autumn! Glue hands!

Ew! Gross, Dale!

I can't get these scissors to work.

Oh, Brick. Cutting's hard for you, isn't it?

Here, let me help you.

Hey. We don't get too many dads in here. How you holding up?

Oh, you know, it's a good chance to see the kids and everything.

It's a nightmare, isn't it? I'm this close to pulling a fire alarm.

Which one's yours?

Autumn Wagner.

Oh, yeah? You know, I think Brick's got a crush on her.

That's so cute!

Dad blabbed to autumn's mom that I like autumn.

She told autumn, and now everything's wrecked!

Oh, nothing's wrecked.

I'm done. Thanks a lot, dad.

There's no advice on a candy heart that can fix this.

What? I was... Making chitchat.

Since when do you make chitchat?

I don't know. I... this mom spoke to me, so I spoke back.

Ohh. Hang on. Was it pilates mom?

I don't know. She seemed fit.

What'd she look like? I don't know. Uh, ponytail, green eyes.

You noticed the color of her eyes?

What color are my eyes?

They change with the weather.

Wrong, Mike. Brown. Always brown.

Rain, snow, sleet, or hail... brown, brown, brown.

- She approached me. - Yeah, well, when you go back to do the Valentine party,

just remember, do your time, no chitchat.

Back? What do you mean, back?

You only did the Valentine box.

Now you gotta do the Valentine delivery for Valentine's day. Think.

I guess I didn't realize that when I signed up.

Or it could be the fact that I never signed up.

Well, maybe if I had a ponytail and stretch pants,

you wouldn't be giving me so much crap.

It was a jogging suit. What am I wearing right now?

Your eyes are brown.

Uh, hi. I need to see you.

I thought you might.

Yeah, I'm a new student.

I just transferred here from Bobby knight junior high...

ohh! You went to Bobby knight? That totally makes sense!

It's outside of a 40-mile search radius. What?

Nothing. Anyway, uh, I can't find my Spanish class

and they said I should come to the office.

Okay. Okay, yeah, yeah. I-I can show you to your class.

I work here in the office, so I have an all-access hall pass.

I'm kind of a big deal.

I've seen the boiler room.

Hey, buddy. Can we talk to you for a sec?

Listen, Brick, we know you didn't want autumn to find out

that you liked her yet, but this could be a good thing.

I had this whole plan.

First she learns she has a secret admirer.

Then I share with her the book that changed my life,

"diary of a wimpy kid."

Then, sometime in late may, I sit down with her

in front of the computer and show her my favorite logos.

This, of course, leads to a discussion of fonts,

and then she's mine.

This is the plan I foiled?

Listen. In matters of the heart, you can't make plans, honey.

No matter how many plans we make,

there's always a surprise or a curve in the road,

but sometimes they can lead to great things. Right, Mike? Yep.

Like, when I started dating your dad,

he took me to this disgusting movie

where a guy cuts the cop's ear off,

and I thought, "whoa, what kind of person am I dating

who likes this horrible, horrible movie?"

It could have ended the whole deal right there.

But he was cute, so I kept dating him...

hang on. Are you talking about "Reservoir Dogs"?

You loved "Reservoir Dogs. " No, I didn't. So here's the thing.

Even though you didn't want autumn to know yet... you said you loved it.

Well, I didn't. So even though it's not what you planned,

it's not the end of the world or autumn, I promise you, okay?

I thought you were cool, because you liked "Reservoir Dogs."

In fact, that's one of the reasons I married you.

18 years and 3 kids, Mike. It worked out.

You really didn't like "Reservoir Dogs"?

What part of it didn't you like?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe the gallons of blood.

That's what made it cool!

And there's my locker,

just in case you ever need... Help or anything.

Oh, and there's a Valentine's dance coming up.

I like Valentine's day,

but my favorite holiday is Halloween.

So he wasn't picking up on the hints,

but Sue figured it was okay. She had time.

She was the only person in the whole school he knew.

Well, here's your Spanish class. And I just want you to know,

when you need someone, I'm around,

'cause it can be hard to make friends at a new school and...

hey, are you new? You play basketball, right?

Hey, guys! This is the new guy who plays basketball.

Come on! It's so cool...

Now that I'd been allowed to spend a little time with Axl,

i was hooked. I wanted more.

Like stalking a deer in the forest,

i was gonna have to approach carefully

so as not to scare him off.

So... have you, uh, thought about

where you're taking Vanessa for dinner on Valentine's day?

I don't know. Maybe that place downtown.

The one with the tablecloths.

Oh. Have you been there? 'Cause, you know,

you don't want any surprises on Valentine's day.

Hey, here's an idea. What if you and I went and checked it out?

We had a good time yesterday. We should, uh, go out again.

Uh, I guess, if you're buying.

I'll be ready at 6:00.

I bet he just doesn't recognize you.

I mean, you were wearing a crayon costume,

and you haven't said anything to him, either.

Yeah, you're right.

What if we went through our whole lives

without saying anything?

We just loved each other from afar.

It'd be like a classic tragedy. Or a cw show.

Here he comes with the popular group.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

Excuse me? Hi.

Wait...

Are you all right?

I'm sorry you didn't get to talk to him. That's okay.

For, like, ten seconds, I was in the popular group.

How was it?

Awesome!

So we're in biology class... Yeah.

And Ms. Devereaux turns on the methane burner,

and I go, "whoa, who farted?" And everybody laughs.

Axl, you are so funny. Yeah. You know,

you've actually been pretty cool about helping me with Vanessa.

Yeah, well... I can be cool, you know.

Which you discovered by spending time with me.

Yeah. You know, some people look at a girl with pink hair

and five studs in her ear and judge her a certain way.

Like, she absolutely must have shoplifted

that watch and lip gloss. Like, oh, yeah... there's no way

she could have put 'em in a pocket as a joke

and forgot about 'em. But would the cop listen? No.

Yeah, what do cops know?

We'll have the cr?me br?l?e. Two spoons.

So... I had a really good time tonight.

Yeah. Me, too. Free dinner... what up!

You know, you and I should do something again tomorrow.

Uh, mom, tomorrow's Valentine's day, remember?

Oh! Right. I forgot.

I should probably do something with your dad.

You want to come in?

Yeah. We both live here, remember?

Right. Right, right, right.

Let's try to keep the noise level down!

Adults are getting a headache!

Mr. heck? This lion Valentine just has a question mark on it.

Is it from Brick?

Mike didn't want to make any more trouble for Brick, so...

Nah. That doesn't look like Brick's handwriting.

But it sort of looks like that kid's over there.

Dad. What did you say to autumn?

Why is she hugging Jake while holding my Valentine?

I was trying to help you out.

By telling her my Valentine was from Jake?

This is a disaster!

How did you ever land mom? You know nothing about women!

Look, I thought... Fine. I'll fix it.

Hey, autumn. Um, you know what?

Uh, th-th-this card? It is from Brick.

Nuh-unh. It's from me.

Uh, come on, Jake. You know it's not yours.

Yeah, it is. Okay, Jake. I don't want to call you a liar,

but I think we both know what the truth is here.

Okay, maybe it's time for a little handwriting analysis.

Here's one of yours... hey! Now I only have 11 valentines!

I'm just borrowing it. This...

hey! Well, Brick's dad took one of mine...

now I have less valentines! Look, I'm gonna give it back. Hang on, okay?

You can have one of mine, Heather. You like Heather I thought you liked me.

I don't like her! He does like me!

Nobody likes me! Hey! Oh, all right. That's no w...

because you yelled at me! I'm stuck to my mailbox!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey!

All right! That's it! That's it! We're shutting it down!

Party's over! Here we go. You guys shouldn't be

celebrating Valentine's day anyway,

because it's a scam cooked up by the greeting card companies.

You know what you should be doing? You should be studying.

'Cause guess what they're doing in China right now?

They are doing math and they're learning

how to be c.E.O.S of greeting card companies

so they can sell us Americans a heart-shaped load of crap!

Banned.

You got banned, too?

Nice job, cupid.

I'm telling you, this whole day is just a scam started...

eh... I'm getting a beer.

What is that?

That's Vanessa! She's picking me up on her motorcycle.

A motorcycle?

Oh, go just how horrible was this girl gonna be?

But hey,

your imagination's always worse than the real thing, right?

Oh, no. Real thing's worse. So much worse.

Is this Axl's house?

Gotta go. Bye.

What was that?

Vanessa. Axl told me a few scary things about her,

but I didn't think she would be that bad.

You knew about it? And you didn't try to stop it?

Hey, neither one of us is batting 1.000 right now.

I know why you didn't say anything.

You're too busy dating our son.

What? That is not true. We went out a couple of times.

We went shopping, we had a nice dinner,

we got some ice cream... Oh, my God, I'm dating our son.

So with all the Brick and Axl drama going on,

it was easy to overlook Sue. We probably shouldn't have.

Sue decided that the only way he was gonna remember

their Halloween kiss was to jog his memory.

Now, in order for Sue's plan to work,

200 8th graders needed to be empathetic and understanding.

Unfortunately, only five were,

and they were afraid of being made fun of,

so they laughed, too.

Hey, crayon girl, wait!

Me?

So you are the girl from Halloween.

I thought that was you the other day.

Why didn't you say anything?

Well, you didn't say anything to me.

Well, after you showed me around, I never saw you again.

That's 'cause you're in the popular crowd.

I was in it for a while, but I sort of got bounced out.

Well, I-I should be... Getting back to the dance.

Yeah. I have to get going, too.

It's a long bike ride home.

Hey, what's your name?

It's Sue.

I'm Joe. I'll see you around, Sue.

Okay. See you around, Joe.

Popular boy is gonna see me around!

Well, I don't know what the holdup is.

The restaurant didn't take this long when Axl took me there...

When we went there as mother and son. You're pathetic.

Hey. Hold up there.

We want to have a talk with you about Vanessa. Have a seat.

Oh, good. All night long, I was worried you guys

wouldn't be waiting up to have a talk when I got home.

Have you thought about where this thing

with Vanessa is headed? You know, besides jail?

It's easy to get swept away by someone

who's exciting and different, but you could end up

with someone who doesn't share your interests and values. Tell me about it.

It was a rotten movie! It was the whole reason I asked you out again.

You said you liked it. Yeah, well, you said you liked Bonnie Raitt.

People lie, Mike. They lie. You can't show anyone

who you really are until they're stuck with you. That's love.

Well, it seems like

you guys have got some stuff to work through, so...

Hold on... don't worry. I'm not gonna go out with her anymore.

She's a vegetarian. It's a total dealbreaker.

That was easy.

I went to the dance dressed as a crayon

to get a boy to notice me. Good night.

How'd we let that slip through the cracks?

We have three kids. We're outnumbered.

Yeah we should have kept a man-to-man defense.

Why'd we have the third, again?

Valentine's day, ten years ago?

Oh, yeah.

You complained about having to take me out, so... we stayed in.

Yep. Saved a few bucks on that one, didn't I?

Sure, Valentine's day might be a scam

cooked up by the greeting card companies...

But whether planned...

Same time tomorrow after third period?

Okay.

Or unplanned...

I know this wasn't from Jake.

He drew butts on all of his valentines.

Would you like to come in

and I'll show you my favorite fonts? Fonts.

The thing that it's celebrating is pretty great.

So?

No, I totally get it now. I'm really liking it this time.

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