All language subtitles for The League s07e08 The Last Temptation of Andre.eng

All right, Taco Corp has taken

a little bit of a hit with
the whole drone situation.

However,

EBDB Prime is still
in full swing, guys.

Deliver anything you want,

any time of day or night.

Can you deliver me a new team?

Because I lost
to Jenny last week,

and it's driving me bananas.

I mean, Golden Tate
gets 98 yards.

If he falls forward, he gets
a hundred yards, and I win.

If I saw that dude, I'd
punch him in the face.

KEVIN: Oh, you'd Percy
Harvin Golden Tate?

Yeah, and I wouldn't even
pretend to get migraines either.

PETE:
I lost last week.

You don't see me bitching
about it, okay?

You lost to the Coin.

You lost to a random flip

of a metallic object.

Yeah, I lost to the coin, too.

Swallowed a penny last week.

I couldn't poop for days.

When your bench outscores
your starters

two weeks in a row,
it's time to make some changes.

So from now on,
all my fantasy decisions

will be made
by the flip of a coin.

What?!

What do you mean,
all your decisions?

Yes, try me.

All right, Pete, I'd like
to propose a trade.

Talk to the Coin.

You trade me Marcus Mariota

and I will give you my kicker,
Justin Tucker.

KEVIN: No.
ANDRE: Wait, Pete, that's, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Pete, Pete,

come on, he's tricking you.

You can't do that. No way.
Pete.

Coin says yes, trade approved.

What?! For real?
Yeah.

You're gonna do that trade?

Coin speaks, I listen.

I just Justin Tuckered you, man.

We'll see what happens.
Loving that trade.

And I'm loving my
match-up against Kevin

in Cook County Court this week.

Wait, you're going up
against Ruxin?

This guy is representing
an asshole.

Mr. Rivers is a complicated man.

He's a slumlord

whose apartment building
has asbestos in it,

and this man refuses
to remove it.

RUXIN:
I would argue that

your clients have been smuggling
asbestos out in their lungs,

and I might
countersue for theft.

ANDRE:
Kevin's totally right.

All building owners
are total assholes.

What's going on with you?

My garage is under construction.

So?
So?

So, there's no parking
in my area,

so I have to park, like,
a half a mile away.

Who cares?
So what? The entrance to the lot

is, like, all uneven,
and my undercarriage

is getting ripped up
on a nightly basis.

What?
I'm back in.

My undercarriage
is taking a beating

every single night,
and I can't take it anymore.

Really? How's your tailpipe?

Oh, my tailpipe

is just getting hammered, too.

It's like pow,
pow-pow, pow-pow.

Sounds like your whole rear end

is getting a ton of action.

Yeah, but not the type
of action you want.

I mean, my undercarriage
is getting abused.

'Cause you don't like
the rough stuff.

No, I want a nice, smooth entry.

There is the whole concept
of using protection.

There are these rubber tubes
that you can put

over your tailpipe
that kind of protect it

from anything untoward
getting in there.

I don't want to put a rubber
on my tailpipe, you know?

I like my car to be
able to feel the road.

Yeah.
Mm.

Andre's undercarriage
is getting damaged

'cause of all the sex
he's having in his butt.

Yeah.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

ANDRE:
Ridiculous.

Sucks.

Come on!

What?

Can I park here or not?

(groans)

Oh! Aah!

Aah!

No!

No! No!

No!

MAN:
Excuse me, sir.

Are you in need of help?

I can't find a space.

We have space for you.

Really?

We have a parking lot
right across the street.

Find yourself a parking space

and come on in.

(speaking Korean)

Thank you so much for this.

You sure it's okay to park
in your parking space?

For tonight, it's okay.

Usually it's reserved
for members of the congregation.

Uh, I'd like to join
your congregation.

Well, let me get you
a parking pass.

Halleluiah!

(pastor speaks Korean)

God bless this parking lot!

(yawns)

(rain falling)

You know, babe,

I know it is not Wednesday,

but what if it was
missionary Monday?

Oh.

(sighs)

(thunder rumbling)

My love, you look
so beautiful in this...

big shirt.

(groans)

PETE:
Are you kidding me?

What?!
Who does this?

Oh, come on, you guys have
never done sleep sex before?

No!
Come on.

No one does that.

I'm married, right?

You never tried to sneak
in the side door?

Yeah, of course I've done
the spoon slip.

Thank you.
But she's conscious

to say, "No, Ruxin.

Go downstairs
and watch your tape."

Oh.

This is, like, Cosby-esque.

It is not Cosby-esque,
thank you.

At least he has the dignity
to serve them a drink.

Yeah, I mean, I've heard of
"you snooze, you lose,"

but with you, they really lose.

(chuckles)
TACO: I don't see a problem with it.

Thank you. Women have sex with me
all the time while I'm sleeping.

What?
How?

Well, I'm fully erect
while I'm sleeping.

You guys aren't?
No. No.

How do you keep from
rolling out of bed?

Oh, I'm gonna fall out. Nope.

Oh, I'm gonna
fall out. Nope.

You got to be kidding me.

Marcus Mariota is injured?

Okay!

Ooh, looks like that trade

worked out for somebody.

Guys, the Coin abides,
I'm telling you.

I'm thinking about applying this

to all of my real-life decisions
as well.

I smell something rancid here.

What's that you're getting
a whiff of, Ruxin?

Come on, Ruxin, what's happening
behind your back?

Coin collusion.

That doesn't exist.

It's like I went
to bed last night

and a coin just slipped
right in next to me,

and I wake up in the morning,
and I'm sore,

and there's a bunch of pennies
right around my waist.

PETE:
Well, Haddock put us

through another
leadership seminar today.

We are so focused
on leadership skills.

America needs to focus more
on followship skills.

Yeah.
Oh, shit. That's Golden Tate, guys.

PETE: Hey, Golden,
what are you doing here?

It's my bye week, and I figured
I'd come hang out in Chicago,

and once Taco figured out
I wasn't a cereal,

he hit me up.

Yeah, I'm as surprised
as you guys are.

What'd I tell you, Ruxin?

EBDB Prime delivers.

You wanted to punch Golden Tate

in the face?

(chuckles)
Here he is.

Hello, Ruxin.

Hi, Golden.

I didn't want to...

punch you in the face.

I mean, that'd be cra...
Pete, back me up on this.

Right?
(sighs)

Oh, he said it.

KEVIN: Ooh...
Mm.

RUXIN:
Okay, yes.

It's just that you kind
of under delivered

for me in fantasy this week.

Under delivered?

I had 98 yards.

And I needed a hundred.

So you kind of
shit the bed for me,

and since your bed is
right next to my bed,

you kind of shat up my bed.

I am nowhere near your bed.

I hate when you fantasy people
try to tell me

how to do my job.

Fantasy players are the worst.

How would you like if I turned
your livelihood into a game?

Well, it just so happens
that Kevin and Ruxin

have a match-up in
court this week.

TATE: You might be onto something.
TACO: Yeah.

What do you think about
a workplace fantasy league?

Ooh, workplace fantasy league.

I love it! Which
one's your pick?

Oh.

I'll take Ruxin.
What?

Doesn't look like much,
but I'm sure he get vicious

once the suit goes on.

Well, I guess that leaves me
with this guy.

I don't mind being the underdog.

PETE: Might not want to
sleep with him, though.

His wife did that,
kind of regretted it.

All right, workplace fantasy week one.
(whoops)

I expect some good trash talk
on my MyFace board.

Plenty of it.

All right.

Ha. No.

Taco.

Come on. Oh, my God.

Will you stop it.
What?

KEVIN:
How was your day, babe?

Good, how are you?

Mm. I'm good.
Yeah?

Um, just wanted to go over

something with you,
mm, last night.

First of all,
you looked beautiful.

Thank you.
And, you know, we started to kind of

kiss a little bit and then...

it was just sort of like
we were in a car together

and we were going
to go on a trip

and then I looked over
and you just fell asleep,

so I figured, "Mm...

Maybe I'll just, like,
drive around for a while."

Sleep sex.

Yes.

I am sorry.

That was not cool,

and I will never try
to have sex with you

while you're asleep again.

Thank you.

But I wasn't asleep.

Excuse me?

I wasn't asleep.

I thought you knew...

How would I know
that you weren't...

What...?

I mean, my eyes were closed,
I was so tired,

but I just figured
I'd go along with it.

Really? Just go along with it?
Yes.

The bigger question, Kevin,

is why you would keep going

if you thought I was asleep.

Uh, because you moaned.

I mean, I kissed your neck
and then you moaned,

so I was like, "Oh, oop,
here we go, let's do it."

Yeah. I moaned
'cause I was like,

"Oh, Jesus,
let's just do it."

I don't know the difference
in the moans.

I mean, they're kind of
the same moan. I get it.

You couldn't be bothered
to open your eyes,

roll over...

I mean, that's, like,

the definition of phoning it in.

Are you mad at me right now?

A-A little bit.
I'm a little hurt.

Y... You know what?

This is embarrassing.
You think?

I mean, is this the first time

that you've ever done
this whole... (snores)

Is this the first time
you've done this?

Yes.

Me, too.

Okay.

Okay.

First time.

So, it turns out she wasn't sleeping.
Really?

So I told you guys,
I didn't Cosby her.

No, you're just so boring at sex

that your wife would rather
pretend to be asleep

than openly witness

you jackhammering away at her.
Okay.

Enough.
Does Pete make you do that?

Let's just...
If she were asleep,

you could put a Pete mask on her

and she wouldn't even know.

Can we just get back
to the issue at hand,

which is beating the Coin?

We gotta beat this Coin.

Yes. Your job this week.

I need your help.

How can I help?

I need Philip Rivers.

What am I, just gonna put him
on the waiver wire?

What are you gonna do?

I've got priority
on the waiver wire.

All season long,
you guys make fun of me,

calling me
the waiver miser--

which I think, by the way,
is slightly anti-Semitic--

Mm.
but right now, it's gonna pay off.

You want me just
to dump Philip Rivers?

I mean, I-I can do that,
because I also have Drew Brees.

Whoa, you have Drew Brees
and Philip Rivers?

Yes, because I have
foresight, Ruxin.

I think it's hindsight

to a great lineup in 2010.

If I do dump Rivers,

you better deliver that Coin.

Oh, trust me.
If you give me Rivers,

I will deliver the Coin to you.

And no one can
find out about this.

No one.

If anyone hears about it,
deny, deny, deny.

Cosby style.

Andre?

Lane.

Do you go to this church?

Oh, yes.

Yes, I-I do.

That's beautiful.
Yeah.

Well, walk with me
in fellowship.

Right now?
Yeah, into the sanctuary.

Well...

O-Okay, yeah.

Okay, yeah.
God's waiting.

Korean Jesus just gets me, you know
Yes.

in a way that Macedonian Jesus
never got me.

I just wish I spoke more Korean.
Andre...

language is overrated.

Right.
When I was traveling in Saudi Arabia,

I got picked for a jury.
Mm-hmm.

And I participated.

We sentenced the man to death.

And I didn't understand
a single word,

but I knew in my heart

that he had stolen that melon.

Yeah, but what do you do
during the hymns?

Sometimes I just sing
Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors,"

but with nonsense syllables.

That sounds great.

Thanks.
Hey, homie?

Yeah.
Salvation's this way.

Come on.

I'm just afraid that I've become

old and boring
to Jenny, you know?

I have to find a way
to spice things up with her.

Say no more.

I hear you loud and clear.

Incest threesome.
Let's do this.

No. Dear God, no.

You're gonna have
to hold Jenny's legs up.

They look kind of heavy.
And you and I?

Probably do no more
than kissing.

No. The...
Okay?

Oh, my ears hurt,

but my heart is happy.

How are my MacArthur boys doing?

Fine.

Not fine.

I'm trying to have a threesome

with Kevin and Jenny,

but this guy keeps
cockblocking me.

Bro!

You're not gonna let
your own bro bro-bone you, bro?

No! No, I'm not!

You didn't want
to have a threesome

with me and Crazy Tiffany,

you don't want
to have a threesome

with me and your wife.

I'm starting to think it's me.

It is you, dummy.
It is you.

I just want to spice things up
between me and my wife.

Ooh, boy.

I'm not a miracle worker.
Mm.

Oh! Speaking of which,

we have some unfinished
business, Mr. Ruspin.

(laughs)

TACO:
Do you have a moment

to fill out a short survey

about your recent transaction
with EBDB Prime?

No.

Okay. "No."

Thank you.
That was the only question.

What?

Mr. Ruxin. Mr. MacArthur.

Judge Hardy would like
to see you in his chambers.

Judge Hardy?

Immediately. Let's go.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

Do you have a moment

to fill out a short survey

about EBDB Prime?

No.

Let's go.
Perfect.

"No."

Thank you very much!

(singing boisterously in Korean)

(Andre singing nonsense)

I praise you!

Counselors,

I just heard
some disturbing news.

My bailiff overheard
a conversation between you two.

Sounded like collusion.

What?
What?

Something about "Mr. Rivers"

and "coin" was mentioned.

Are you trying to fix this case?

Oh, no...
No, sir. No.

KEVIN:
We're not talking

about Mr. Tom Rivers,
the filthy slumlord...

Alleged filthy slumlord.

KEVIN: We were talking about
Philip Rivers, the quarterback...

Who looks like
a 1950s soda jerk.

Um, I'm going to drop him
onto the waiver wire

so that Ruxin can pick him up

and beat a team called the Coin.

That's all.
Oh, my, my, my, my.

Just fantasy football.
Sure.

That's funny,
'cause I play fantasy football.

Really?
That's right.

My team is Roe
v. Wade Phillips.

That's a clever name.

Thank you.

I'm in a league
with Justice Alito's

Antonio Brown
v. the Board of Education.

Ha! Wordplay.

Tied for first, by the way.

We would never dream

of colluding.

Well, that's 'cause
you're in first place.

You know, if you cheat
in fantasy football,

how long before you cheat
in my courtroom?

It'll be...
be a while.

At least, like, five years.

Colluding is cheating.

You will not cheat
in my courtroom

and you will not cheat
in fantasy football.

Do we understand each other?

Absolutely, sir.

Never again--
in the courtroom or out.

Thank you.
Do we understand each other?

Your Honor, I promise

I will never collude
in your courtroom.

And fantasy football.

Mm-hmm.

No, no.

"Mm-hmm" is not gonna cut it.

Sir, I will never collude
in your courtroom...

HARDY:
And...

in...

(mouthing)

(very quietly):
...fantasy football.

HARDY: You will not collude
in fantasy football

or in my courtroom.
Say it.

Sir, I promise you
that I will never,

in your courtroom
or in fantasy football, collug.

It's-it's "collude."

Colluge.

Collude.

Exactly.

Say it, Counselor.

I will not collude
in your courtroom

or in fantasy.

That wasn't so hard, was it?

See yourselves out, gentlemen.

Good day, Your Honor.

Couldn't you say "collude"?

Oh, you couldn't just say
that your team name sucks?

Roe v. Wade Phillips?
Sucks.

I mean, it's lame.
It really is.

He's not even a player.
I know.

All right, I'm hungry,
I got to eat.

Okay, uh, so you'll
just drop Rivers?

No.

No, what, are you crazy?

I prematurely
dropped the Cincy D,

and now I'm not gonna
get a quarterback?

That means I've got nothing.
That's your problem, not mine.

So what am I supposed
to do about quarterback?

I don't know, pick up Andy
Dalton off the waiver wire.

You know that I'm a
card-carrying member of the ADL.

What is the ADL?

The Andy Defamation League,

where I get together
with a group of people

and talk shit about Andy Dalton.

Why would you talk shit
about Andy Dalton?

Well, for starters,
he's a ging'.

No Rivers.

(growls)

LANE: Andre.
ANDRE: Yeah.

We missed you at the bibimbap-luck.
The what then?

I signed you up to
bring the bulgogi.

I was busy, I'm sorry, I-I'll do
the next bi-bum-bop-bop-bum-bim.

Listen, Andre, I think maybe

you're just using this
church for the free parking.

And you don't even care
about the community.

How dare you, okay?

This church is my home,
all right?

I don't just use it
for free parking.

Andre!
Oh, hey!

Chips and dip, buddy, we got it.

You-you can't park there!

You park here all the time.

We have as much of a right
to park here as you do.

Shit.
Andre,

uh, do you... do you
know those people?

No, I'm sorry,
I-I was just telling them

they can't park there.

That's Kevin and Jenny.

You've known them
since high school.

They don't care for you.

Yeah, tho... uh,
those people, yes.

Those people I know.

Well, they-they shouldn't
be parking in the lot

I know.
if they're not members.

Pastor, they-they, um...

are part of my charity group.

We build houses.

Kind of like Habitat for Humanity,
Oh.

but, uh... we
do it better.

- You know, I... I think it's okay
for them to park here today. - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, oh, thank you so much.

If you do construction,
there's, uh, a big leak

at the top of the church roof.

Maybe you could patch it up.
PASTOR: Oh, great idea.

How about tomorrow
night, uh, Monday night?

Monday, yeah, well,
I, you know, I...

I normally have a standing...

Okay, Monday night it is.

After evening services.

After...
This is beautiful.

But maybe you can help.

(chuckles)
I wish.

Uh, tomorrow night,
I'm shaving ironic mustaches

to donate to children
who've lost their eyebrows.

Of course.

ANDRE:
I know nothing about carpentry.

This Korean Jesus is screwing me
every chance he gets.

Well, speaking
of getting screwed,

Ruxin is gonna lose to the Coin.

Now you just got to beat
him in the courtroom.

I know, I need a big game
at work this week.

You do. I'm gonna take advantage
of our amazing parking spot

and go run some errands.

Okay.

Bye. Bye.
One for me?

(TV playing indistinctly)

Hey, Andre, get your feet
off your couch.

It's a foot couch.

That's the butt couch.

Hey, Kevin.
Hey, what's up?

And Andre.

I said hi to you,
like, three days ago.

Kevin, I got you something

that's gonna help with your
super-boring sex life.

What, is that a parachute?

It's a sex swing.

What?

It's a little chewed up,

'cause I use it as a
net to go crabbing with.

And I'm not sure what the guy
I bought it from on Craigslist

did with it
before selling it to me.

Oh, so it's
a secondhand sex swing.

It's a sharing economy, brother.

Get that thing out of here.

It's dumb.
ANDRE: Wait, wait.

That's just technically
a harness, right?

Yeah, it could support
up to four people.

I could use that at the church,

I mean, to get up
to the ceiling.

Oh, I've used it in a church
before-- it works great.

If Andre uses it, it definitely
won't be a sex swing then.

No, I'm gonna
dry-clean it first.

TACO: Oh, you don't
have to clean it.

Just a little bit
of sea salt on it.

Oh, no, there's some come.

I lost 'cause of you.

You're gonna pay,
shit-sipper.

Quit bitching, baby Ruxin.

TACO (laughs):
This is personal.

Fellas, save it for the game.

Mr. Rivers.
Mr. Ruxin, thank you.

Gonna win this
one for you today.

Hey, Kevin!

I need a big work game
out of you, buddy!

Ruxin, I'm counting on you, bud.

Don't let me down.

Yeah, but no pressure.

Yeah, no pressure.

All rise.

The Honorable Raymond
Hardy's presiding.

Be seated.

Fire-crotch is
gonna crush you.

No way.

Mr. Tate, big fan.

Wish you'd stayed in Seattle.

But in my courtroom,
we all try to keep quiet.

Sorry, Your Honor,
we've been tailgating.

(gavel bangs)
I call this court to session.

Counselor, first witness.

The State would like to call

Mr. Thomas Rivers
to the stand please.

Mr. Rivers, how many
different lawsuits

are currently pending
against you now?

I object.

Goes to character, Your Honor.

I'll allow it.

Yes, that's a point.
It's early.

Oh, well, if we're
going to character,

my client wouldn't have sex with
his wife while she was sleeping,

unlike the degenerate
opposing counsel.

Uh... Objection,
Your Honor.

I-I'd like that stricken
from the record.

Oh, damn.

Mr. Ruxin, do you have
a point here?

Yeah, my point is
if he's willing

to penetrate his wife
while she sleeps,

what's to say that he would not
sodomize Lady Justice herself?

Your Honor, number one,
my wife was not sleeping.

She just couldn't be bothered

to move around or open
her eyes during sex.

That's all.

And what does that say about him
as a lawyer and as a lover?

It says I'm courteous.

And I would like that
in the record please.

I don't want to win like this,
but I'll take it.

Your Honor, how could
you possibly believe

anything the defense
counselor is saying

when he lied to you
in your chambers,

saying he wouldn't collude
in fantasy football

and then turned around
and did exactly that.

Inadmissible, that's hearsay.

No, no, not if you call him
to the stand, Kevin.

Oh, is it?
Yeah, dude.

Yeah, all right, bro.

Come on, shark-Ruxin,
we need at TD.

And that's enough
out of you two.

Your Honor, I would like to add
one more thing to the record.

Counselor here lied to you

and told you that he
liked your team name,

when in fact he insulted it.

Did you insult my team name?

Yes or no?
Come on, Counselor.

Well?

Roe v. Wade Phillips
is a stupid name.

I mean, you got a hundred
years of football.

Reggie Bush v. Frank Gore.

Dred Bart Scott.

I mean, these are just
off the top of my head.

Objection, Your Honor, they're
not off the top of his head.

He has a list on his phone
called "Team-names-comma-puns."

Oh, please.

You think I can't just
come up with those?

All right, fine,
I want to see your phone.

Oh, you want to see my phone?
Yeah, come on, dude.

Give me your phone. Dude, give me your phone
Come at me, bro.

Come at me, bro.
State's exhibit A, bro.

State's exhibit A, bro.
(gavel slams)

Fine, you know what?

I'll smack your exhibit D

right into your exhibit Bs.

(gavel slams)

That's it, ejected,
both of them!

What? Ejected? Ejected?
Get 'em out of here.

Come on, two ejections?
Oh.

It's garbage time here.

We won, Golden!

No, we won, Taco!

Gattaca!
We won!

God, I hate my team.

(Andre sings to himself)

Time to get some Spackle.

(grunts)

It's time for the Sp... Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(shouts)

(thuds, grunts)

(speaking Korean, laughing)

(shouts in Korean)

Don't look!

Close your eyes!
Pastor Kim, close your eyes!

ANDRE:
Oh, hey.

Little help.

You are against God.

You are excommunicated
from this congregation.

What about my parking?

(shouts in Korean)

What?

Is that a yes or no?
I don't understand.

Andre?

What are you doing with my old sex swing?

Ugh.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

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