Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,951 --> 00:00:02,484
(both moaning)
2
00:00:02,570 --> 00:00:04,486
Yes!
Yeah.
3
00:00:04,572 --> 00:00:05,704
Ah!
Ooh.
4
00:00:05,789 --> 00:00:07,456
Thank you.
5
00:00:07,491 --> 00:00:08,740
Are you kidding me?
6
00:00:08,826 --> 00:00:10,409
No, thank you.
7
00:00:10,494 --> 00:00:12,995
Ha, well, I'm a giver.
8
00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:15,080
Yeah, you are.
9
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,134
(groans)
10
00:00:19,169 --> 00:00:20,836
Wet spot.
11
00:00:29,013 --> 00:00:30,846
Hey!
Hey.
12
00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,648
You switched sides?
13
00:00:32,683 --> 00:00:34,566
Uh, you know, my phone charger
only works on this side,
14
00:00:34,652 --> 00:00:36,518
so this is kind of my spot.
15
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:37,519
Your spot?
16
00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:39,321
Yeah.
17
00:00:39,356 --> 00:00:41,239
You sure you're not trying
to avoid this spot?
18
00:00:41,325 --> 00:00:42,446
I mean, that's cool with me.
19
00:00:42,526 --> 00:00:43,742
I don't have a problem
with, you know, like,
20
00:00:43,827 --> 00:00:46,028
your excretions and stuff.
21
00:00:46,113 --> 00:00:47,914
Wow! You make it sound
like it's a sea urchin!
22
00:00:47,915 --> 00:00:49,114
Wait, oh, okay, um...
23
00:00:49,199 --> 00:00:50,032
juices?
24
00:00:50,117 --> 00:00:51,199
And now it's a breakfast buffet?
25
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:52,751
What do you want me to say?
I don't know!
26
00:00:52,836 --> 00:00:53,869
That's definitely you.
Hold on a second here.
27
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:55,704
If we're talking
about the "us cocktail,"
28
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:57,039
I think we're talking
29
00:00:57,091 --> 00:01:00,425
90% Libby with a ten percent
Pete floater, tops.
30
00:01:00,511 --> 00:01:02,210
A Pete floater?
Oh, yeah.
31
00:01:02,262 --> 00:01:04,129
Okay, well, then, Pete?
Mm-hmm.
32
00:01:04,214 --> 00:01:06,214
Why don't you float
back over here?
33
00:01:06,266 --> 00:01:07,883
I ain't float... I'm not floating on that.
Oh, yeah, you can.
34
00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:09,184
You can do it. Oh, come on.
Why...?
35
00:01:09,219 --> 00:01:10,936
I know you can, I know.
I don't want the wet spot!
36
00:01:11,021 --> 00:01:13,388
You know what?
Oh, you love that juice cocktail.
37
00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:15,057
Oh, man, you're
lucky I like you a ton.
38
00:01:16,393 --> 00:01:18,760
(grunts) Floating on my floater.
39
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:23,998
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
40
00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:26,952
Juices? Oh, no! No!
No, no, no.
41
00:01:27,037 --> 00:01:29,037
What's wrong with that?
What are you gonna call it?
42
00:01:29,073 --> 00:01:30,288
How about bitters?
Or a spritz?
43
00:01:30,374 --> 00:01:32,124
No, those are mixology terms.
44
00:01:32,209 --> 00:01:33,709
That's why
I call it "love foam."
45
00:01:33,744 --> 00:01:34,743
(groans)
46
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:35,794
That is horrific.
47
00:01:35,879 --> 00:01:37,379
I'm sticking with juices.
48
00:01:37,414 --> 00:01:38,747
Come on, what is it
with you guys?
49
00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:39,881
Every week is the same thing.
50
00:01:39,917 --> 00:01:41,717
Talk about a bodily function
51
00:01:41,752 --> 00:01:43,085
and try to find a term for it.
52
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:44,586
It's getting redundant.
53
00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:46,388
Well, Jenny and I don't have
to worry about the wet spot,
54
00:01:46,423 --> 00:01:48,390
because she makes
me wear a condom.
55
00:01:48,425 --> 00:01:49,257
ANDRE: Oh!
What? (laughs)
56
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:50,509
You're married.
57
00:01:50,594 --> 00:01:52,427
We wear it for birth
control purposes.
58
00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:53,512
Why doesn't she take the pill?
59
00:01:53,597 --> 00:01:54,763
Because she's allergic to it.
60
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:56,431
They all say
they're allergic to it.
61
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,197
She's allergic to it.
She's allergic to it.
62
00:01:58,268 --> 00:01:59,317
That's what they say,
"She's allergic to it."
63
00:01:59,403 --> 00:02:00,435
She's "allergic."
64
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:02,354
All allergic to the pill.
65
00:02:02,439 --> 00:02:03,989
She's allergic
to the pill, Ruxin!
66
00:02:04,074 --> 00:02:05,941
Why don't you just man up, dude?
67
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:07,466
What do you to clean
up the wet spot?
68
00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:09,244
Sofia makes me put a towel down.
69
00:02:09,279 --> 00:02:10,946
Whoa, you showed her, buddy.
70
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:12,414
You guys are going
about this all wrong, okay?
71
00:02:12,449 --> 00:02:14,499
You have to embrace
the wet spot.
72
00:02:14,585 --> 00:02:16,118
Do what I do--
I sleep in it.
73
00:02:16,203 --> 00:02:18,036
Like a pig who lives
in his own slop.
74
00:02:18,122 --> 00:02:19,287
In this case, Meegan's slop.
75
00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:20,756
Is the Andre and Meegan thing
76
00:02:20,791 --> 00:02:22,124
gonna replace
the Pete and Kevin thing?
77
00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:24,342
No, I look at it as an addition
78
00:02:24,428 --> 00:02:26,128
to a beautiful house
that I'm building over time.
79
00:02:26,213 --> 00:02:28,630
The real issue for me here is,
no one knows who's responsible
80
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,298
for this and who
should sleep in it.
81
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:31,633
Like, is it mostly
the guy's juices?
82
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:32,968
Or is mostly the women's stuff?
83
00:02:33,053 --> 00:02:35,137
Well, are you having
multiple orgasms?
84
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:36,221
You mean, like,
we have sex multiple times?
85
00:02:36,306 --> 00:02:37,556
No, I mean, how many times
86
00:02:37,641 --> 00:02:39,566
do you come in a row
while you're having sex?
87
00:02:39,686 --> 00:02:41,398
I come once.
88
00:02:41,518 --> 00:02:44,281
Oh, like once for, like 45 minutes?
89
00:02:44,333 --> 00:02:45,749
No, I have sex and
I come for, like,
90
00:02:45,784 --> 00:02:46,917
two seconds, like, in a climax,
91
00:02:46,952 --> 00:02:48,168
like a normal person.
92
00:02:48,253 --> 00:02:49,836
Dude, that's grade school sex.
93
00:02:49,922 --> 00:02:51,621
I'm out of here.
(groans)
94
00:02:51,707 --> 00:02:54,374
45 minutes-- who has that time?
95
00:02:54,460 --> 00:02:56,380
Oh, guess who came
into the office the other day.
96
00:02:56,428 --> 00:02:57,961
Who?
Frank "The Body" Gibiatti.
97
00:02:58,046 --> 00:02:59,429
(both groan)
98
00:02:59,465 --> 00:03:00,764
Is he finally transitioning?
99
00:03:00,799 --> 00:03:01,848
He's dating this Russian girl
100
00:03:01,934 --> 00:03:03,049
and he wants
to get her boobs done.
101
00:03:03,135 --> 00:03:04,551
He wants them bigger,
like a D cup.
102
00:03:04,636 --> 00:03:07,137
And he wants them to have that
little, like, up-turn thing?
103
00:03:07,189 --> 00:03:08,305
What is that thing? Wha...?
104
00:03:08,390 --> 00:03:09,055
Ski jump?
105
00:03:09,141 --> 00:03:09,973
Like, a scoop.
106
00:03:10,058 --> 00:03:11,441
Oh, like a soup ladle.
107
00:03:11,477 --> 00:03:13,193
He calls it "a Jacksonville
strip club waitress."
108
00:03:13,278 --> 00:03:14,778
It's not bad.
109
00:03:14,813 --> 00:03:15,812
That's pretty good.
Not bad, but that's too vague.
110
00:03:15,864 --> 00:03:17,814
Guys, this game is awesome!
111
00:03:17,866 --> 00:03:19,149
(laughs) I love it.
112
00:03:19,234 --> 00:03:20,567
What are you guys talking about?
113
00:03:20,652 --> 00:03:23,120
Oh, we were just talking
about that little uptick
114
00:03:23,155 --> 00:03:24,821
on a woman's breast
and how to, uh...
115
00:03:24,873 --> 00:03:26,740
What do you call...?
What to call the...
116
00:03:26,825 --> 00:03:29,209
Come on, it's just pathetic.
117
00:03:32,331 --> 00:03:33,380
Half pipe!
118
00:03:33,465 --> 00:03:34,305
Yes. Yes.
That's good.
119
00:03:34,333 --> 00:03:35,499
'Cause it comes...
120
00:03:50,232 --> 00:03:52,399
Hola, Ruxin.
121
00:03:52,484 --> 00:03:53,984
Taco Tuesday--
how do you like it?
122
00:03:54,019 --> 00:03:55,152
More like Tetanus Tuesday.
123
00:03:55,187 --> 00:03:56,820
I need my own personal meal.
124
00:03:56,855 --> 00:03:58,572
What, you got a problem
with family style?
125
00:03:58,657 --> 00:03:59,778
That's how we do it up here.
126
00:03:59,858 --> 00:04:01,441
I don't want to dig
in the trough
127
00:04:01,527 --> 00:04:03,026
with these hooved
stink sprinklers.
128
00:04:03,111 --> 00:04:04,361
Oh, don't be such a wuss, man.
129
00:04:04,413 --> 00:04:06,163
I spent six years in
a fraternity house, all right?
130
00:04:06,198 --> 00:04:08,365
One time I took one of those
little marshmallow Peeps,
131
00:04:08,450 --> 00:04:10,584
and I crinkled it up
into this tiny little ball,
132
00:04:10,669 --> 00:04:12,169
and I shoved it up
a pledge's butt.
133
00:04:12,204 --> 00:04:14,037
And then I made him
fart it into my mouth.
134
00:04:14,122 --> 00:04:16,373
(laughs)
Taught him a lesson that day.
135
00:04:16,458 --> 00:04:18,792
And they say that frat
guys are secretly gay.
136
00:04:18,877 --> 00:04:20,093
Right?
(scoffs)
137
00:04:20,179 --> 00:04:22,179
Look, I need my
own personal lunch.
138
00:04:22,214 --> 00:04:23,763
Well, you can
forget that, amigo.
139
00:04:23,849 --> 00:04:25,249
Because, unless you got
some sort of
140
00:04:25,267 --> 00:04:27,551
no-kidding
dietary restriction,
141
00:04:27,603 --> 00:04:29,469
like a religious problem
or some sort of wussy allergy,
142
00:04:29,555 --> 00:04:30,887
it ain't happening.
143
00:04:30,939 --> 00:04:32,889
Well, I am a...
(clears throat)
144
00:04:32,941 --> 00:04:34,524
Jewish kosher person
145
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,193
and I need a kosher meal.
146
00:04:36,228 --> 00:04:38,778
Whoa.
I knew you were Jewish,
147
00:04:38,864 --> 00:04:40,230
but I didn't know you were,
like, Jewish Jewish.
148
00:04:40,315 --> 00:04:41,698
What is that supposed to mean?
149
00:04:41,733 --> 00:04:43,400
You know, like, uh, like, uh,
150
00:04:43,485 --> 00:04:45,202
Jewish-Hanukkah Jewish.
151
00:04:45,237 --> 00:04:47,821
Not like, you know,
Jewish-beard Jewish.
152
00:04:47,906 --> 00:04:49,739
With all the internal
lawsuits that this law firm
153
00:04:49,825 --> 00:04:51,324
has recently dealt with,
154
00:04:51,410 --> 00:04:54,411
I would recommend that
you listen to my needs.
155
00:04:54,463 --> 00:04:57,330
And let's never forget
what happened in Germany.
156
00:04:57,416 --> 00:05:00,166
Oh, right, the company
retreat-- I get it!
157
00:05:00,252 --> 00:05:01,718
Cash bar at the final dinner?
158
00:05:01,753 --> 00:05:03,470
I thought the dollar
was strong against the Euro.
159
00:05:03,555 --> 00:05:04,838
I thought I was doing
everybody a favor!
160
00:05:04,923 --> 00:05:05,672
Well, you weren't.
161
00:05:05,757 --> 00:05:06,673
All right.
162
00:05:06,758 --> 00:05:08,058
You get a kosher meal.
163
00:05:08,093 --> 00:05:09,643
Good.
Then...
164
00:05:09,728 --> 00:05:10,927
let's consider this a shalom.
165
00:05:11,013 --> 00:05:12,929
Shalom.
166
00:05:13,015 --> 00:05:14,231
And super shalom.
167
00:05:14,266 --> 00:05:15,565
Yeah, do it.
Uh, uh...
168
00:05:17,769 --> 00:05:20,270
JENNY:
Wait a second.
169
00:05:20,355 --> 00:05:21,187
Are you forgetting something?
170
00:05:21,273 --> 00:05:22,272
Ah, the clitoris!
171
00:05:22,357 --> 00:05:23,406
Mm, yes.
172
00:05:23,442 --> 00:05:24,941
The jewel of the South.
173
00:05:25,027 --> 00:05:27,527
Yes, yes.
Where are you, my little friend?
174
00:05:27,613 --> 00:05:28,778
And a condom.
175
00:05:28,830 --> 00:05:30,614
Aw, no, babe!
Really?
176
00:05:30,699 --> 00:05:31,948
Seriously, Kevin?
177
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,400
Every time we have
to wear a condom?
178
00:05:33,418 --> 00:05:36,419
Yes, every time
we have to wear a condom.
179
00:05:36,455 --> 00:05:38,288
What if we just saw what
happens, play it by ear?
180
00:05:38,340 --> 00:05:40,373
My ear can't get pregnant.
181
00:05:40,459 --> 00:05:42,626
What if you drank caffeine
the entire pregnancy
182
00:05:42,711 --> 00:05:45,762
and then just had
a very small manageable child?
183
00:05:45,797 --> 00:05:48,298
Oh, my God, you just proved
why you're not father material.
184
00:05:48,350 --> 00:05:49,516
I'm getting a condom.
185
00:05:49,601 --> 00:05:51,551
Oh, really?
186
00:05:51,637 --> 00:05:53,553
Oh, it's our last one.
187
00:05:53,639 --> 00:05:54,888
Gonna have to buy some more.
188
00:05:54,973 --> 00:05:56,273
I do not want to buy condoms.
189
00:05:56,308 --> 00:05:57,807
It is, it is so embarrassing.
190
00:05:57,859 --> 00:05:58,975
You don't feel
weird and embarrassed
191
00:05:59,027 --> 00:05:59,976
when you go down that aisle?
192
00:06:00,062 --> 00:06:01,478
No, I don't feel weird.
193
00:06:01,530 --> 00:06:02,946
I-I buy your clothes.
194
00:06:02,981 --> 00:06:04,864
This is just, like,
clothes for your dick.
195
00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:07,367
So, get dressed.
196
00:06:07,452 --> 00:06:09,119
It's like an itchy Christmas sweater.
Aw.
197
00:06:11,823 --> 00:06:13,156
I just don't want to eat
198
00:06:13,208 --> 00:06:15,158
family-style lunch
with these people.
199
00:06:15,243 --> 00:06:16,923
They're not my family,
so why should I have
200
00:06:16,995 --> 00:06:19,245
a "style" lunch with
a bunch of garbage monsters.
201
00:06:19,331 --> 00:06:20,997
Ruxin, you're
pretending to be kosher.
202
00:06:21,049 --> 00:06:23,083
I'm pretty sure
that sends you to Jewish hell.
203
00:06:23,168 --> 00:06:24,334
No, I looked it up on Wikipedia.
204
00:06:24,386 --> 00:06:25,502
There is no Jewish hell.
205
00:06:25,554 --> 00:06:27,220
He shoots, he scores!
Whoa!
206
00:06:27,306 --> 00:06:28,888
(laughs) Still undefeated!
207
00:06:28,974 --> 00:06:30,223
Not bad, Taco.
208
00:06:30,309 --> 00:06:31,641
You guys should consider
taking up the sport.
209
00:06:31,677 --> 00:06:33,476
It's about we find something
we can all do together.
210
00:06:33,512 --> 00:06:35,512
Taco, we all play
in a league together.
211
00:06:35,564 --> 00:06:37,125
No, I mean, like,
a real group activity.
212
00:06:37,149 --> 00:06:38,315
Something competitive.
213
00:06:38,350 --> 00:06:39,649
All right, who's up next?
214
00:06:39,685 --> 00:06:41,484
Not me. I'm out.
Nah, I'm good, thanks.
215
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:42,602
I'll play.
216
00:06:42,688 --> 00:06:44,154
Why?
It's a mitzvah.
217
00:06:44,189 --> 00:06:46,523
Plus, I'm gonna wing it
as hard as I can at his head.
218
00:06:46,575 --> 00:06:47,691
All right, you start.
219
00:06:47,776 --> 00:06:49,909
Whoa!
220
00:06:49,995 --> 00:06:51,194
You're supposed to try
and get it in the hole.
221
00:06:51,246 --> 00:06:52,996
I was--
the one above your shoulders.
222
00:06:53,031 --> 00:06:54,664
Nowzick!
Frank the Body.
223
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:56,282
(groans) Gibiatti.
224
00:06:56,368 --> 00:06:57,667
Oh, oh, hey!
225
00:06:57,703 --> 00:06:58,918
What's going on?
Oh, what's going on?
226
00:06:59,004 --> 00:07:00,203
I'll tell you.
We got some big problems.
227
00:07:00,255 --> 00:07:02,956
You massacred my
girlfriend's titties.
228
00:07:03,041 --> 00:07:05,258
What are you talking about?
Da! Da!
229
00:07:05,344 --> 00:07:06,710
You know what that means?
That's Russian for "yeah."
230
00:07:06,795 --> 00:07:08,345
"You messed up
my tits, dawg."
231
00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:09,546
Look at this.
232
00:07:09,631 --> 00:07:12,015
This one is perfect.
233
00:07:12,050 --> 00:07:13,883
This one is dog shit.
234
00:07:13,935 --> 00:07:16,302
And I'm bringing
this problem to you
235
00:07:16,388 --> 00:07:18,138
because you're the quack
236
00:07:18,223 --> 00:07:20,140
who underinflated her titties.
237
00:07:20,225 --> 00:07:21,558
Oh, I think we have a bit of
238
00:07:21,643 --> 00:07:23,560
a Deflategate scandal on our hands.
Yes.
239
00:07:23,645 --> 00:07:25,228
We do not have
a Deflategate scandal, okay?
240
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:26,563
I assure you...
PETE: Well, hold on.
241
00:07:26,615 --> 00:07:28,815
Let's see what kind of PSI
we got going here.
242
00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:30,033
What are the standards?
243
00:07:30,068 --> 00:07:31,317
Three to four pounds
per square inch.
244
00:07:31,403 --> 00:07:32,902
Oh, do you measure them
or you just honk 'em?
245
00:07:32,954 --> 00:07:34,738
I do not "honk" breasts.
246
00:07:34,790 --> 00:07:36,239
I bet you honk dicks, though.
247
00:07:36,291 --> 00:07:37,657
I never have honked a dick.
248
00:07:37,743 --> 00:07:39,242
I don't honk breasts.
249
00:07:39,327 --> 00:07:40,543
I am a professional,
250
00:07:40,579 --> 00:07:42,545
and I can assure you
that her implants--
251
00:07:42,581 --> 00:07:45,081
your implants-- are within
the proper guidelines.
252
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,167
You're a deflator.
Da.
253
00:07:47,252 --> 00:07:49,212
All right?
Okay, maybe you're too rough with them.
254
00:07:49,221 --> 00:07:52,088
Wha-- I am the most
gentle lover, bro,
255
00:07:52,140 --> 00:07:53,673
I caress them...
I find that hard to believe.
256
00:07:53,759 --> 00:07:55,508
How about I show you
a video right now, bro?
257
00:07:55,594 --> 00:07:57,677
No...
Nobody wants to see a video, Frank.
258
00:07:57,763 --> 00:07:58,803
14 seconds, I'm by myself.
259
00:07:58,847 --> 00:07:59,979
Just watch it.
260
00:08:00,065 --> 00:08:01,014
Oh, boy.
Hey, you know what?
261
00:08:01,099 --> 00:08:02,379
People like
different inflations.
262
00:08:02,434 --> 00:08:04,267
That's all. I like
a little under-deflated.
263
00:08:04,352 --> 00:08:05,685
Yeah.
I'm-I'm-I'm like Aaron Rodgers.
264
00:08:05,771 --> 00:08:07,187
I like to go overinflated,
myself.
265
00:08:07,272 --> 00:08:10,156
Look, I apologize if
there's any misunderstanding...
266
00:08:10,242 --> 00:08:11,825
Know what my lawyer's
doing right now?
267
00:08:11,910 --> 00:08:13,109
Studying the Torah.
268
00:08:13,161 --> 00:08:14,482
You know what he's
doing later on?
269
00:08:14,529 --> 00:08:15,662
Suing your ass!
270
00:08:15,747 --> 00:08:17,347
Da!
271
00:08:19,826 --> 00:08:21,686
KEVIN: I don't want to buy thecondoms, babe. I can't do it.
272
00:08:21,806 --> 00:08:23,106
All right, Kevin,
273
00:08:23,141 --> 00:08:24,724
I will get the condoms.
Fine.
274
00:08:24,809 --> 00:08:25,859
I'll get the razors.
275
00:08:25,944 --> 00:08:27,227
Great.
Teamwork!
276
00:08:27,312 --> 00:08:28,144
(sighs)
277
00:08:31,233 --> 00:08:32,232
You're gonna buy
those cheap condoms?
278
00:08:32,317 --> 00:08:33,650
(gasps)
279
00:08:33,702 --> 00:08:35,401
I would go with these
if I were you.
280
00:08:35,487 --> 00:08:36,152
You're Randall Cobb.
281
00:08:36,204 --> 00:08:36,870
I am.
282
00:08:36,955 --> 00:08:37,820
You are on my team.
283
00:08:37,906 --> 00:08:38,821
That's fantasy.
284
00:08:38,907 --> 00:08:40,123
Let's talk real life.
285
00:08:40,158 --> 00:08:41,791
A unplanned baby?
That's real.
286
00:08:41,826 --> 00:08:42,825
Uh, no.
287
00:08:42,911 --> 00:08:43,993
No, my husband and I,
288
00:08:44,079 --> 00:08:45,461
we are very smart
about these things.
289
00:08:45,497 --> 00:08:47,247
RANDALL:
That guy?
290
00:08:47,332 --> 00:08:48,665
He doesn't look smart
about anything.
291
00:08:48,717 --> 00:08:50,667
I think you got
a baby daddy on your hands.
292
00:08:50,719 --> 00:08:52,468
You do?
Does he ask for condom cheat days?
293
00:08:52,504 --> 00:08:54,837
- Yeah. - Do you think having a baby
will fill a void for him?
294
00:08:54,890 --> 00:08:57,131
- Yes. - Do you know where
your kitchen turkey baster is?
295
00:08:57,142 --> 00:08:58,675
No.
Wow.
296
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,009
Oh, no!
297
00:09:00,095 --> 00:09:01,394
What do I do?
298
00:09:01,479 --> 00:09:03,429
Don't let him handle
the condoms before sex.
299
00:09:03,515 --> 00:09:05,148
Really?
Yeah.
300
00:09:05,183 --> 00:09:06,599
A lot of people are trying to
poke holes in 'em these days.
301
00:09:06,685 --> 00:09:07,267
No!
302
00:09:07,352 --> 00:09:08,851
Oh... oh!
303
00:09:08,904 --> 00:09:10,436
Now I got you.
Now I got you.
304
00:09:10,522 --> 00:09:12,021
Do you know that
you're my number one
305
00:09:12,073 --> 00:09:13,189
wide receiver on my team?
306
00:09:13,241 --> 00:09:14,073
Oh, really?
307
00:09:14,159 --> 00:09:15,241
All the guys were, like,
308
00:09:15,327 --> 00:09:16,526
totally slot-shaming me.
309
00:09:18,530 --> 00:09:20,196
But it's, like, not fair at all,
310
00:09:20,282 --> 00:09:21,831
'cause when the guys
have all kinds of slots,
311
00:09:21,866 --> 00:09:22,832
they're players.
312
00:09:22,867 --> 00:09:23,866
But when the girls do...
313
00:09:23,919 --> 00:09:25,201
Double standard.
Yeah!
314
00:09:25,253 --> 00:09:26,369
That's all right.
You're a confident woman.
315
00:09:26,454 --> 00:09:28,705
Make your team as slotty
as you can get it.
316
00:09:28,757 --> 00:09:30,423
I'm gonna do that, Randall Cobb.
317
00:09:30,508 --> 00:09:32,091
Be slotty, but remember...
318
00:09:32,177 --> 00:09:33,459
be safe.
319
00:09:33,545 --> 00:09:35,929
Oh, got it!
320
00:09:36,014 --> 00:09:37,714
321
00:09:37,766 --> 00:09:39,933
Ha-ha!
This is our best lunch ever!
322
00:09:40,018 --> 00:09:41,718
Where is my kosher meal?
323
00:09:41,803 --> 00:09:44,687
This is a callous disregard
for my religious beliefs.
324
00:09:44,723 --> 00:09:46,439
I feel like I am
being persecuted
325
00:09:46,524 --> 00:09:47,807
and I'm starving.
326
00:09:47,892 --> 00:09:49,642
I had a regular
breakfast this morning,
327
00:09:49,728 --> 00:09:50,860
but I worked out,
328
00:09:50,895 --> 00:09:52,228
so it feels like
I didn't eat anything.
329
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:53,563
Take it easy, home team.
330
00:09:53,615 --> 00:09:54,731
Isn't today Yom Kippur?
331
00:09:54,783 --> 00:09:55,982
Aren't you
332
00:09:56,067 --> 00:09:56,988
supposed to be fasting?
333
00:09:57,068 --> 00:09:58,735
Yeah.
334
00:09:58,787 --> 00:10:01,070
That's why I've got
such low blood sugar
335
00:10:01,156 --> 00:10:04,040
and why I've just had
this justified outburst.
336
00:10:04,075 --> 00:10:05,908
Shalom.
337
00:10:09,748 --> 00:10:11,464
I'm so hungry.
338
00:10:17,422 --> 00:10:19,138
Wow.
339
00:10:19,224 --> 00:10:21,057
Cut the crap, Ruxin, all right?
340
00:10:21,092 --> 00:10:22,308
Everybody knows
you're not kosher.
341
00:10:22,394 --> 00:10:23,426
I'm very kosher.
342
00:10:23,478 --> 00:10:24,644
Are you kidding?
343
00:10:24,729 --> 00:10:26,012
I'm giving you the out!
Take the out!
344
00:10:26,097 --> 00:10:27,981
And I appreciate that,
but my religion prohibits...
345
00:10:28,066 --> 00:10:29,432
Oh, you know what?
Enough!
346
00:10:29,484 --> 00:10:31,517
It doesn't matter anyway.
You know why?
347
00:10:31,603 --> 00:10:32,935
This firm is about to land
348
00:10:32,988 --> 00:10:34,487
a major client,
Rabbi Shtotelman.
349
00:10:34,572 --> 00:10:36,939
His family, uh, created
the perforation of matzo.
350
00:10:37,025 --> 00:10:38,608
Anyway, they're suing
to protect their IP.
351
00:10:38,660 --> 00:10:41,828
You are gonna keep being
super Jewish and land this guy.
352
00:10:41,913 --> 00:10:43,112
Well, I will help you,
353
00:10:43,164 --> 00:10:44,447
as a member of this firm,
354
00:10:44,532 --> 00:10:46,499
to land Rabbi Shtotelman.
Yes!
355
00:10:46,584 --> 00:10:48,117
But, as a devout Jew...
356
00:10:48,203 --> 00:10:49,369
Enough.
357
00:10:49,454 --> 00:10:51,287
You got bacon bits
on your face, man.
358
00:10:51,373 --> 00:10:53,790
Give it a rest.
359
00:10:53,875 --> 00:10:55,792
(Kevin and Jenny
moaning in pleasure)
360
00:10:55,877 --> 00:10:57,510
JENNY:
Oh, God!
361
00:10:57,595 --> 00:10:58,961
Good job!
362
00:10:59,047 --> 00:11:00,013
Yeah, you did so good.
363
00:11:02,467 --> 00:11:03,966
(exhales)
364
00:11:04,019 --> 00:11:05,968
That was good.
Yeah.
365
00:11:09,474 --> 00:11:11,274
What are you doing?
366
00:11:11,309 --> 00:11:12,975
Nothing.
367
00:11:13,061 --> 00:11:14,560
Uh, I just want to
be close to you, babe.
368
00:11:14,646 --> 00:11:16,646
Why? We just had sex.
369
00:11:16,731 --> 00:11:18,114
Just move over.
I have no room.
370
00:11:18,149 --> 00:11:19,230
No, babe, I'm...
Go, go, go!
371
00:11:19,284 --> 00:11:20,405
(laughing):
Stop, stop, stop!
372
00:11:20,452 --> 00:11:21,484
Stop it...
Oh!
373
00:11:21,569 --> 00:11:23,119
Kevin...
374
00:11:23,154 --> 00:11:24,120
what is that?
375
00:11:24,155 --> 00:11:25,121
Did you pee?
376
00:11:25,156 --> 00:11:26,155
I didn't pee.
377
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:27,323
That is a wet spot.
378
00:11:27,409 --> 00:11:28,825
I don't know how that got there.
379
00:11:28,877 --> 00:11:30,326
Randall Cobb was right!
380
00:11:30,378 --> 00:11:32,078
You poked holes in this condom,
didn't you?
381
00:11:32,163 --> 00:11:33,403
What do you mean, Randall Cobb?
382
00:11:33,465 --> 00:11:34,664
When did-- where did
you see Randall Cobb?
383
00:11:34,716 --> 00:11:36,277
I was talking to him
at the drugstore...
384
00:11:36,334 --> 00:11:37,800
Are you kidding me?
385
00:11:37,836 --> 00:11:39,552
You met Randall Cobb
and you didn't introduce me?
386
00:11:39,637 --> 00:11:40,837
Oh, I'm sorry.
387
00:11:40,889 --> 00:11:42,255
You were slightly occupied
388
00:11:42,340 --> 00:11:43,389
when your hand was
trapped in that case
389
00:11:43,475 --> 00:11:44,424
like a bear trap.
390
00:11:44,509 --> 00:11:45,808
Randall Cobb told me
391
00:11:45,844 --> 00:11:47,310
that you had baby daddy drama
392
00:11:47,345 --> 00:11:48,978
written all over you.
393
00:11:49,013 --> 00:11:50,396
Randall Cobb doesn't know
394
00:11:50,482 --> 00:11:52,515
what's written
all over me, okay?
395
00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:54,067
Because I wore a condom.
396
00:11:54,152 --> 00:11:55,985
I did.
I dressed up my dick
397
00:11:56,020 --> 00:11:58,571
and I tied my dick laces
in double knots.
398
00:11:58,656 --> 00:11:59,656
Kevin...
All right? There.
399
00:11:59,691 --> 00:12:01,023
Where did you get these?
400
00:12:01,076 --> 00:12:01,991
I don't know.
401
00:12:02,026 --> 00:12:03,359
My freshman orientation package.
402
00:12:03,445 --> 00:12:05,578
God, how old are these, Kev...
403
00:12:05,663 --> 00:12:07,663
Kevin, these were made
in Yugoslavia.
404
00:12:07,699 --> 00:12:09,115
The good old days.
405
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,450
They were made in a country
406
00:12:10,535 --> 00:12:12,502
that doesn't even
exist anymore, Kevin.
407
00:12:12,537 --> 00:12:14,921
Oh, so now I'm to blame
for the fall of Communism?
408
00:12:15,006 --> 00:12:16,873
What happened to the box
I bought you?
409
00:12:16,958 --> 00:12:18,291
I tried to open them,
410
00:12:18,376 --> 00:12:19,425
but I couldn't get
the cellophane open, babe.
411
00:12:19,511 --> 00:12:21,094
Look at these things.
412
00:12:21,179 --> 00:12:22,628
I was pawing at them, but
then a piece of cellophane
413
00:12:22,714 --> 00:12:23,629
got caught in
the back of my throat
414
00:12:23,715 --> 00:12:25,081
'cause I huffed it in...
415
00:12:25,150 --> 00:12:26,432
You tell me
what's harder, Kevin,
416
00:12:26,518 --> 00:12:28,301
opening a box of condoms
417
00:12:28,386 --> 00:12:29,552
or raising a third child?
418
00:12:29,604 --> 00:12:31,437
Harder for whom?
419
00:12:31,523 --> 00:12:32,972
Unbelievable.
420
00:12:33,057 --> 00:12:34,056
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wet spots!
421
00:12:34,142 --> 00:12:35,302
Wet spots everywhere!
(laughs)
422
00:12:35,310 --> 00:12:36,976
Yeah, Kevin.
423
00:12:37,061 --> 00:12:38,394
Wet spots everywhere!
424
00:12:38,446 --> 00:12:39,612
Oh...
Ew...
425
00:12:39,697 --> 00:12:41,731
426
00:12:41,816 --> 00:12:43,399
I'm fine with not
having any more kids,
427
00:12:43,485 --> 00:12:44,817
I just don't want
to wear condoms.
428
00:12:44,903 --> 00:12:47,120
And I don't want any
baby daddy drama with him,
429
00:12:47,205 --> 00:12:50,289
so we decided we need to come up
with a final solution.
430
00:12:50,375 --> 00:12:52,158
As a Jew,
I don't love that term,
431
00:12:52,243 --> 00:12:54,410
but when in regards
to Kevin's sperm, it works.
432
00:12:54,496 --> 00:12:55,828
If, at the end of the season,
433
00:12:55,914 --> 00:12:57,413
I have a better record,
she's gonna get her tubes tied.
434
00:12:57,465 --> 00:12:59,298
When, at the end of the season,
435
00:12:59,384 --> 00:13:00,583
I have a better record,
436
00:13:00,635 --> 00:13:02,919
ol' Smoke Crotch over here
gets snipped.
437
00:13:03,004 --> 00:13:04,170
Well, I just want
to say thank you
438
00:13:04,255 --> 00:13:05,638
for not bringing any more
439
00:13:05,723 --> 00:13:07,306
of your genetically diminished
children into this world.
440
00:13:07,392 --> 00:13:08,558
Well, that's it.
441
00:13:08,593 --> 00:13:10,393
Gibiatti actually
served me papers.
442
00:13:10,428 --> 00:13:12,011
He's suing me
over these implants.
443
00:13:12,096 --> 00:13:13,429
You know, he may have a case.
444
00:13:13,481 --> 00:13:15,565
I did nothing to tamper
with those implants.
445
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,267
Andre, you've been caught
taping your rivals' surgeries.
446
00:13:18,353 --> 00:13:19,769
(ringtone playing)
Not funny. Shut up for a second.
447
00:13:19,854 --> 00:13:20,937
Yeah. Uh-huh?
448
00:13:21,022 --> 00:13:21,938
Right.
449
00:13:21,990 --> 00:13:23,523
No, I will not...
450
00:13:23,608 --> 00:13:25,024
Andre!
Tell us what's happening!
451
00:13:25,109 --> 00:13:26,192
I'm on the phone with my lawyer.
Please...
452
00:13:26,277 --> 00:13:27,577
Put it on speakerphone!
453
00:13:27,612 --> 00:13:28,744
We're lawyers, too!
Hold on, hold on.
454
00:13:28,780 --> 00:13:30,413
Yeah, yeah.
455
00:13:30,448 --> 00:13:31,747
Go again. What do you got?
456
00:13:31,783 --> 00:13:32,999
Look at the cut-off hoodie.
457
00:13:33,084 --> 00:13:34,784
The scowl?
458
00:13:34,836 --> 00:13:37,870
Andre is G-dash-D
Bill Belichick.
459
00:13:37,956 --> 00:13:38,704
I'm not giving up my phone.
460
00:13:38,790 --> 00:13:40,289
I'll destroy it for you.
461
00:13:40,375 --> 00:13:41,655
'Cause I have pictures on there.
462
00:13:41,709 --> 00:13:43,676
And it also has
all my slam lists.
463
00:13:43,761 --> 00:13:45,428
He look likes Belichick.
464
00:13:45,463 --> 00:13:46,963
But he's talking like Tom Brady.
465
00:13:47,048 --> 00:13:49,215
I think he looks more like the
courtroom sketches of Brady.
466
00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:51,184
Yeah, well, I'm not settling.
467
00:13:51,269 --> 00:13:52,468
What?
468
00:13:52,554 --> 00:13:54,303
(people chattering, whooping,
drums playing)
469
00:13:55,690 --> 00:13:56,772
What is going on out there?
470
00:13:56,808 --> 00:13:58,975
The neighbors having a party?
471
00:13:59,027 --> 00:14:01,394
Yeah...
Jews don't do the outdoors.
472
00:14:01,479 --> 00:14:02,812
Ah!
473
00:14:02,864 --> 00:14:04,230
Missed!
474
00:14:04,315 --> 00:14:06,156
What are you doing, Taco?
Who are these people?
475
00:14:06,201 --> 00:14:08,401
Started my own
bean bag toss league.
476
00:14:08,486 --> 00:14:09,819
Who needs to play at the bar
477
00:14:09,871 --> 00:14:11,487
when you can play
in a public park?
478
00:14:11,539 --> 00:14:12,822
This is our backyard.
479
00:14:12,907 --> 00:14:14,373
This is so much better.
480
00:14:14,459 --> 00:14:16,075
At the bar, there's always
a lineup for the bathroom.
481
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,160
Here, you just go
wherever you want.
482
00:14:18,213 --> 00:14:19,574
No, you don't go
wherever you want.
483
00:14:19,581 --> 00:14:21,797
No, you don't just go
wherever you want, guys!
484
00:14:21,833 --> 00:14:23,049
Kevin, be a good host.
Let him finish.
485
00:14:23,134 --> 00:14:23,916
Who's next?
486
00:14:24,002 --> 00:14:25,585
Pete...
Oh! Uh...
487
00:14:25,670 --> 00:14:27,720
Wait, wait, wait.
Where did you get this?
488
00:14:27,805 --> 00:14:29,338
Oh, I've been practicing
with those all week.
489
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,390
I got them from the bean bag
closet in your office.
490
00:14:31,426 --> 00:14:32,391
No, no, no, no, no no.
491
00:14:32,477 --> 00:14:33,593
These are breast implants.
492
00:14:33,678 --> 00:14:35,011
I don't care what you do
with your bean bags.
493
00:14:35,096 --> 00:14:37,146
Taco is the deflater!
494
00:14:37,181 --> 00:14:38,731
All right, everyone
in the hot tub!
495
00:14:38,816 --> 00:14:41,126
There hasn't been poop
in there in over a year.
496
00:14:42,118 --> 00:14:43,719
RUXIN: Rabbi Shtotelman, Mrs.
Shtotelman,
497
00:14:43,812 --> 00:14:45,478
thank you so much
for having me over
498
00:14:45,530 --> 00:14:46,529
for Shabbos.
499
00:14:46,615 --> 00:14:47,564
And Mrs. Shtotelman,
500
00:14:47,649 --> 00:14:48,815
what a beautiful meal it is.
501
00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:52,319
What a celebration
of delicious starches
502
00:14:52,404 --> 00:14:53,684
and earth-toned foods.
(laughter)
503
00:14:55,457 --> 00:14:56,406
Oh.
504
00:14:56,491 --> 00:14:57,874
Thank you, Sven, yeah.
505
00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:58,992
Don't mind him.
He's our Shabbos goy.
506
00:14:59,077 --> 00:15:00,910
Shabbos goy, huh?
507
00:15:00,996 --> 00:15:02,379
Yeah. You know,
the lights and the oven.
508
00:15:02,464 --> 00:15:04,164
Turns it off and on.
Of course.
509
00:15:04,249 --> 00:15:05,298
We can't use electricity,
510
00:15:05,334 --> 00:15:07,500
so we have a non-Jew present
511
00:15:07,552 --> 00:15:09,669
to take care of those
responsibilities for us.
512
00:15:09,755 --> 00:15:10,837
You have a Shabbos goy.
513
00:15:10,889 --> 00:15:12,589
Of course I have a Shabbos goy,
514
00:15:12,674 --> 00:15:14,891
but I don't actually use one
515
00:15:14,977 --> 00:15:16,176
unless it's an emergency.
516
00:15:16,228 --> 00:15:17,394
Oh, sweetheart.
517
00:15:17,479 --> 00:15:19,346
Can you pass the applesauce?
518
00:15:19,431 --> 00:15:21,231
Of course.
(phone buzzes)
519
00:15:21,316 --> 00:15:22,766
(whispering):
My QB.
520
00:15:22,851 --> 00:15:23,984
I will get that for you, sir.
What?
521
00:15:24,019 --> 00:15:25,185
Oh.
522
00:15:25,270 --> 00:15:26,686
Oh, thanks, Sven.
523
00:15:26,772 --> 00:15:28,488
Absolutely, sir,
it is my pleasure.
524
00:15:28,523 --> 00:15:30,684
As it was, I'm sure, getting
that Hitler Youth haircut.
525
00:15:30,692 --> 00:15:33,026
You know, I'm going to be honest, Rabbi.
Hmm?
526
00:15:33,111 --> 00:15:35,829
I'm having a little bit
of Shabbos goy envy.
527
00:15:35,864 --> 00:15:38,114
If it's okay, Sven,
would you mind
528
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,500
scrolling through my phone
and calling my Shabbos goy?
529
00:15:40,535 --> 00:15:41,534
Absolutely, sir.
530
00:15:41,620 --> 00:15:43,203
Uh, the name is Taco,
531
00:15:43,255 --> 00:15:46,039
but it will be under
an emoji of an eggplant.
532
00:15:46,091 --> 00:15:48,208
LIBBY (breathless):
Oh, yeah. Isn't this good?
533
00:15:48,293 --> 00:15:50,377
It's... it's pretty good.
534
00:15:50,429 --> 00:15:51,711
Yeah.
I, uh...
535
00:15:51,763 --> 00:15:54,297
And what about this?
536
00:15:54,383 --> 00:15:56,016
Oh! Okay.
Oh, yes!
537
00:15:56,051 --> 00:15:57,017
You know what?
538
00:15:57,052 --> 00:15:58,518
You cannot always move
539
00:15:58,553 --> 00:16:00,553
all the action
to my side of the bed.
540
00:16:00,605 --> 00:16:01,771
That's encroachment.
541
00:16:01,857 --> 00:16:02,939
What about the
middle of the bed?
542
00:16:03,025 --> 00:16:04,107
Like, neutral zone?
Not your side,
543
00:16:04,192 --> 00:16:05,442
not my side...
544
00:16:05,527 --> 00:16:07,477
Yeah, but then we're both
playing on a sloppy field.
545
00:16:07,562 --> 00:16:09,029
Yeah, that's a good point.
It's like, uh...
546
00:16:09,064 --> 00:16:10,563
Couch?
Ah...
547
00:16:10,615 --> 00:16:11,981
I feel like couch is
harder to clean than
548
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:13,233
even sheets, you
know what I mean?
549
00:16:13,318 --> 00:16:14,401
This is a tough one.
Mm-hmm.
550
00:16:14,486 --> 00:16:15,652
(gasps softly)
551
00:16:15,737 --> 00:16:16,820
I got it.
552
00:16:16,905 --> 00:16:19,072
Oh...
Oh, yeah...
553
00:16:19,157 --> 00:16:20,373
The floor!
554
00:16:20,409 --> 00:16:21,741
The answer to all
of our problems.
555
00:16:21,793 --> 00:16:23,376
Right?
You're a genius.
556
00:16:23,412 --> 00:16:24,794
You're like a sexy
Einstein, man.
557
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:26,413
(pounding at door)
You know how to get me going.
558
00:16:26,498 --> 00:16:27,747
Uh, who is it?
559
00:16:27,833 --> 00:16:29,249
It's Francis Gibiatti!
560
00:16:29,334 --> 00:16:30,834
Oh, Frank "The Body."
561
00:16:30,919 --> 00:16:32,502
Uh, it's open!
It's open?
562
00:16:32,587 --> 00:16:33,920
Well, I mean, technically,
it's broken, but...
563
00:16:33,972 --> 00:16:35,422
I don't like to announce it.
564
00:16:35,507 --> 00:16:36,973
PETE:
Hey!
565
00:16:37,059 --> 00:16:38,339
You're in a lot
of trouble, dawg.
566
00:16:40,262 --> 00:16:41,177
Speak English?
567
00:16:41,263 --> 00:16:42,429
Yeah.
568
00:16:42,514 --> 00:16:43,897
Hard pass.
569
00:16:43,932 --> 00:16:46,316
Is Andre using breast
implants to play Cornhole?
570
00:16:46,401 --> 00:16:47,150
Yeah.
571
00:16:47,235 --> 00:16:48,101
That dude is using
572
00:16:48,186 --> 00:16:49,436
underinflated titties.
573
00:16:49,521 --> 00:16:51,988
Okay? And you're gonna testify
on my behalf
574
00:16:52,074 --> 00:16:54,774
against your scumbag friend
Nowzick. Fact!
575
00:16:54,860 --> 00:16:56,359
You are gonna stand
on that bench
576
00:16:56,445 --> 00:16:57,577
and point at your
friend and say,
577
00:16:57,612 --> 00:16:58,661
"Your Honor,
he did it."
578
00:16:58,747 --> 00:17:00,330
Then Andre is going to spend
579
00:17:00,415 --> 00:17:03,032
the next ten to 15 years...
580
00:17:03,118 --> 00:17:04,617
with a lot of dicks in his butt.
581
00:17:04,669 --> 00:17:07,704
That guy is going to be
Old Country Buffet in jail.
582
00:17:07,789 --> 00:17:10,340
He's gonna have a sneeze guard
around his asshole.
583
00:17:10,425 --> 00:17:12,509
I don't understand why
you need me to testify.
584
00:17:12,594 --> 00:17:14,761
Dude, come on, man.
I need you on this one, Pete.
585
00:17:14,796 --> 00:17:16,763
You know, I'm not so sure
I want to do that, honestly.
586
00:17:16,798 --> 00:17:17,558
You're gonna do it!
587
00:17:17,632 --> 00:17:19,549
Da!
588
00:17:19,634 --> 00:17:20,633
Whoa...
Oh!
589
00:17:20,685 --> 00:17:22,185
My angel!
590
00:17:22,270 --> 00:17:23,803
If she broke her back,
591
00:17:23,855 --> 00:17:25,438
I swear to God
I will leave her here.
592
00:17:25,474 --> 00:17:27,524
(sniffs)
593
00:17:29,060 --> 00:17:30,860
Did you two have sex
on the floor?
594
00:17:30,946 --> 00:17:32,395
We had sex in the bed, too.
595
00:17:32,481 --> 00:17:33,641
Yeah, okay, well, guess what.
596
00:17:33,648 --> 00:17:35,398
Now you're getting sued, too.
597
00:17:35,484 --> 00:17:37,117
I don't really own that much.
598
00:17:37,152 --> 00:17:38,432
And besides,
that was mostly her.
599
00:17:38,487 --> 00:17:40,487
Excuse me?
600
00:17:40,572 --> 00:17:42,489
Oh, please, buddy.
I was not that excited.
601
00:17:42,541 --> 00:17:43,656
Oh, are you kidding me?
602
00:17:43,742 --> 00:17:44,942
You were juicin' it up, sister.
603
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,400
So now we're back
to the juice thing?
604
00:17:46,411 --> 00:17:47,744
Well, we need a better word.
We haven't found it yet.
605
00:17:47,829 --> 00:17:49,162
Yeah, it's called
"brine."
606
00:17:49,214 --> 00:17:49,963
Ew.
Yeah.
607
00:17:49,998 --> 00:17:50,914
Because it's salty
608
00:17:50,999 --> 00:17:52,298
and it tenderizes meat.
609
00:17:52,334 --> 00:17:54,334
And you are so lucky
that it's Shabbos.
610
00:17:54,386 --> 00:17:56,719
Otherwise, my lawyer
would be here right now,
611
00:17:56,805 --> 00:17:58,004
suing your ass...
612
00:17:58,056 --> 00:17:59,339
(women yelp) Whoa!
613
00:17:59,391 --> 00:18:00,840
(Frank and girlfriend groaning)
614
00:18:00,892 --> 00:18:01,841
We had sex twice.
615
00:18:01,910 --> 00:18:03,320
Yeah.
616
00:18:04,175 --> 00:18:07,178
So my great-grandfather,
he put in these perforations,
617
00:18:07,298 --> 00:18:09,215
and then that is what
was brought back here
618
00:18:09,250 --> 00:18:11,570
and that is why you know the matzo as...
TACO: Aloha!
619
00:18:11,690 --> 00:18:13,386
I am the Shabbos guy.
620
00:18:13,421 --> 00:18:14,670
Shabbos goy, Taco.
621
00:18:14,756 --> 00:18:16,088
Aloha.
622
00:18:16,174 --> 00:18:17,390
(laughs)
Whoo! Aloha.
623
00:18:17,425 --> 00:18:18,391
Love the tuque, dude.
624
00:18:18,426 --> 00:18:19,925
Whoo!
625
00:18:19,977 --> 00:18:21,477
What a handsome
young Shabbos goy.
626
00:18:21,562 --> 00:18:22,978
(giggles) All right.
627
00:18:23,064 --> 00:18:25,097
How can I help you Jews out?
628
00:18:25,149 --> 00:18:26,766
RUXIN:
Well, Sven is not Jewish,
629
00:18:26,818 --> 00:18:28,601
but, Sven, you can start
by giving Taco my phone.
630
00:18:28,686 --> 00:18:30,352
As you wish, sir.
631
00:18:30,438 --> 00:18:31,737
Actually, we could use some help
632
00:18:31,773 --> 00:18:33,053
with the serving platters, Taco.
633
00:18:33,074 --> 00:18:34,073
Oh.
634
00:18:34,108 --> 00:18:35,658
Well, I was recently surfing
635
00:18:35,743 --> 00:18:37,326
on the Big Island
of the Promised Land
636
00:18:37,412 --> 00:18:38,944
and I learned how to make poi.
637
00:18:38,996 --> 00:18:40,946
Oh, that sounds exciting.
638
00:18:41,032 --> 00:18:42,498
Mm-hmm.
639
00:18:42,583 --> 00:18:44,116
Sven, dishes.
Right away, ma'am.
640
00:18:44,202 --> 00:18:45,835
I will be helping out
with dessert...
641
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:49,121
in the kitchen.
642
00:18:49,207 --> 00:18:51,874
Hmm.
643
00:18:51,959 --> 00:18:54,376
Rabbi, if you could
excuse me for a moment,
644
00:18:54,462 --> 00:18:57,179
one of my Torah studies scholars
was recently injured
645
00:18:57,265 --> 00:19:00,716
and I need to replace him
on my... team.
646
00:19:00,802 --> 00:19:02,384
Excuse me for a moment.
647
00:19:02,470 --> 00:19:04,053
TACO:
What can I do for you, Ruspin?
648
00:19:04,138 --> 00:19:05,471
(muttering):
Just get on the waiver wire
649
00:19:05,556 --> 00:19:06,605
and find me a new quarterback.
650
00:19:06,641 --> 00:19:08,140
Let's do this.
651
00:19:08,192 --> 00:19:09,308
Uh... Nick Toon.
652
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:10,943
He's a wide receiver, Taco.
653
00:19:10,978 --> 00:19:12,728
Dan Carpenter.
He's a kicker.
654
00:19:12,814 --> 00:19:13,974
Are you having another stroke?
655
00:19:13,981 --> 00:19:15,030
I'm about to.
656
00:19:15,116 --> 00:19:17,650
"DraftKings:
free games, huge prizes."
657
00:19:17,702 --> 00:19:18,984
Quit playing around, you idiot.
658
00:19:19,036 --> 00:19:20,903
(sighs) This is a very
complicated religion.
659
00:19:20,988 --> 00:19:22,822
If you're looking
for a Torah studies scholar,
660
00:19:22,907 --> 00:19:24,206
Benjamin Schlomovitz.
661
00:19:24,292 --> 00:19:25,324
He's the best.
662
00:19:25,376 --> 00:19:26,992
Hmm, I'm looking
at your team, Ruxin,
663
00:19:27,078 --> 00:19:28,828
and I'm not seeing
a Schlomovitz.
664
00:19:28,913 --> 00:19:31,497
But I am seeing a LeSean McCoy.
665
00:19:31,549 --> 00:19:32,915
LeSean McCoy?
666
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:36,502
LeSean McCoy, actually, uh,
was a very important member
667
00:19:36,587 --> 00:19:38,220
of the Philadelphia
Jewish community
668
00:19:38,306 --> 00:19:39,889
and, then, for some reason,
they let him go,
669
00:19:39,974 --> 00:19:43,476
and now he's part of
the Buffalo Jewish community.
670
00:19:43,511 --> 00:19:45,177
Uh, it's a very important
congregation
671
00:19:45,229 --> 00:19:47,146
led by a new rabbi there,
672
00:19:47,181 --> 00:19:49,231
Rex Ryanstein, who loves feet.
673
00:19:49,317 --> 00:19:51,650
Of Torah study.
674
00:19:51,686 --> 00:19:53,269
McCoy?
Yeah.
675
00:19:53,354 --> 00:19:55,020
That sounds Gentile.
676
00:19:55,106 --> 00:19:56,155
It sounds very Gentile to me.
677
00:19:56,190 --> 00:19:57,323
We should drop him.
678
00:19:57,358 --> 00:19:58,774
Drop him.
No, don't drop him.
679
00:19:58,860 --> 00:20:00,359
Drop him.
Don't drop him, Taco.
680
00:20:00,411 --> 00:20:02,161
We want only Jews on this team.
681
00:20:02,196 --> 00:20:03,445
Dropping him.
No, Taco!
682
00:20:03,531 --> 00:20:04,580
Just go to the kitchen.
683
00:20:04,665 --> 00:20:05,865
Jesus Christ.
Superstar.
684
00:20:05,950 --> 00:20:07,700
Play probably written by a Jew.
685
00:20:07,752 --> 00:20:09,752
Yes, master.
686
00:20:09,837 --> 00:20:10,536
What are you doing
on your phone?
687
00:20:10,588 --> 00:20:11,954
I am fixing
688
00:20:12,039 --> 00:20:13,589
my fantasy football lineup.
689
00:20:13,674 --> 00:20:15,541
That is not allowed
on the Sabbath.
690
00:20:15,626 --> 00:20:17,209
If fantasy football
had been around
691
00:20:17,261 --> 00:20:18,342
when the Torah was written,
692
00:20:18,346 --> 00:20:19,428
it would have been allowed.
693
00:20:19,514 --> 00:20:21,263
Cain and Abel would have
killed each other
694
00:20:21,349 --> 00:20:23,265
on the virtual gridiron.
695
00:20:23,351 --> 00:20:26,802
Abraham and Isaac would've been
on a father-son team together.
696
00:20:26,888 --> 00:20:28,470
I mean, think of
the possibilities
697
00:20:28,556 --> 00:20:30,055
of amazing team names.
698
00:20:30,107 --> 00:20:31,891
"Reggie and the Burning Bush"
699
00:20:31,943 --> 00:20:33,642
would've worked
for biblical reasons
700
00:20:33,728 --> 00:20:36,228
but also because he was dating
Kim Kardashian
701
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,898
and it would have been
an amazing STD joke.
702
00:20:38,983 --> 00:20:41,534
You are a shame to your people
and to your religion.
703
00:20:41,569 --> 00:20:42,701
Fantasy football
704
00:20:42,737 --> 00:20:44,286
is my religion.
705
00:20:44,372 --> 00:20:45,487
Nothing brings me
706
00:20:45,573 --> 00:20:47,623
greater spiritual enlightenment
707
00:20:47,708 --> 00:20:50,626
than picturing me taking
my big, fat donger
708
00:20:50,711 --> 00:20:52,328
that is my team
709
00:20:52,413 --> 00:20:55,047
and slapping it
in my friends' face,
710
00:20:55,082 --> 00:20:58,918
dropping loads on them
like manna from heaven.
711
00:20:58,970 --> 00:21:01,170
Sunday is my Sabbath.
712
00:21:01,255 --> 00:21:03,472
And Mondays and Thursdays
713
00:21:03,558 --> 00:21:06,141
and Saturdays in December, baby.
714
00:21:06,227 --> 00:21:07,927
Get the hell out of my house!
715
00:21:07,979 --> 00:21:10,479
Get the hell out of my house!
716
00:21:10,565 --> 00:21:12,431
Oh... oh...
Taco!
717
00:21:12,483 --> 00:21:13,816
What the hell are you doing?
718
00:21:13,901 --> 00:21:15,818
Well, you can't.
It's the Sabbath.
719
00:21:15,903 --> 00:21:17,603
I'm gonna kill you!
720
00:21:17,655 --> 00:21:18,904
Aloha...
721
00:21:18,940 --> 00:21:21,073
Aloha!
722
00:21:21,108 --> 00:21:22,241
Sven, you got a wet spot
over here.
723
00:21:22,276 --> 00:21:23,609
MRS. SHTOTELMAN:
Oopsie.
724
00:21:23,729 --> 00:21:32,869
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
725
00:21:32,919 --> 00:21:37,469
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
50726
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof