Original subtitles

PETE: All right, gather round, children, for this week's

episode of Autobot League Recap Theater.

KEVIN: Can't stand these things.

It's like Frittata Fantasy MadLibs.

The Shit Heads were a problem for Too Hot to Handle.

If Coach Kevin McArthur wants a scapegoat, he should look no

further than LeSean McCoy, a truly shady draft pick.

RUXIN: What it's like getting shamed by an algorithm,

Kev? Eat shit, Ruxin.

Jenny's making dinner? Oh!

All right, let's save the trash talk for the playoffs.

Speaking of which... in the first bracket, we have Andre vs.

Russell. JENNY: Opening a restaurant

and playing each other in the playoffs.

That's not too stressful, Andre. ANDRE: What do you guys think

of chartreuse? For your team page?

No, no, no. For, uh, the waitress uniforms.

Oh, eat shit, Andre. Is Jenny making dinner?

Hey! All right, now, for the

bracket that actually counts, we have The Shit Heads vs. the

Jenny Tops, Kevin Bottoms. Yeah, you know what?

It should have been Jenny on top.

I can't believe I lost to Ruxin. I am killing it.

Do you know that I'm in the playoffs in eight leagues?

You stayed in all those leagues?

Yeah. I mean, they're mostly kids, but

I'm cranking them. You know what?

Do what you want on the playground, but I'm gonna win in

this league, I'm gonna win the beach house, I'm moving to

Laguna... You're gonna wear white boat

shoes and a white leather hat and have bad sex with seafood

restaurant waitresses. Yes!

And if you are gonna have sex with a waitress, which one would

you pick? Bad Kitty or Firecracker?

Definitely not the one in the middle.

You are the one in the middle, Andre.

(Ruxin chuckles) (Taco sighs)

Hey! TACO: Running a bed and

breakfast is so much more work than I thought it was gonna be.

Can you believe people actually expect me to make their beds and

cook them breakfast? Oh, please tell me you are

not cooking them condom chorizo. No, I served them the

EBDBBnB BLT. I'm assuming the bacon is

made of diaphragms? I'm so stressed out.

Whoa, no-no pot in the house, Taco.

Oh, it's not pot. It's khat.

What? Wait, what?

It's khat. All my friends from the Yemen chew it.

It gives you a lot of energy. It's a stimulant.

It's like a stronger coffee. What, that you just jam into

your mouth and chew on it? Yeah. Like that.

Who has friends from Yemen? I lead an interesting life.

I don't just hang out with you idiots all day.

Here, try some. No.

You sure? Yes.

You should. It's just like speed, except

khat's illegal. Taco, speed is illegal.

No, I think you have that wrong; I think it's just illegal

to street race on it.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

(Pete sighs) Can I ask you a question?

Sure. How do you feel about your

doctor being on the cover of a magazine?

To be honest, the picture's a little creepy, but better the

front of the magazine than the back, in the classifieds.

Hmm, fair point. Thanks for talking, by the

way. No one actually talks to each

other in these waiting rooms. I know, right?

People are afraid to look left, they're afraid to look right,

they don't talk... It's like being at a urinal.

I'll have to take your word on that.

Having a lot of work done, but adding a dick is really not on

the list. That's not a problem.

I'm actually adding a second dick.

If you want to borrow one of mine, you're welcome to.

(laughs) Ow.

Oh, sorry. Laughter's not good.

Yeah. Got it.

Thank you very much, Ms. Glenn.

And, uh... Mr. Eckhart? The doctor will see you now.

Don't pretend like I'm a... I'm not having a procedure.

No judgments. You know, a butt implant is a

very serious procedure... Shut up.

The nurse will be with you in a second.

What's going on? I thought we were going to

lunch. I'm super stressed and really

busy right now. Oh, yes, you're very, very

busy. Okay. Russell is unstoppable.

I-I don't even know where to focus right now.

Whatever. As long as you don't let him

win that beach house, it's gonna be fine.

Holy shit, who is that? That's Emma.

She's out in the waiting room. That is what she looks like?

Well, no, this is a computer simulation of what she will look

like when she gets the bandages off.

She is gorgeous. I'm good at my job.

I guess no one really knows what she's gonna look like.

No. Kind of gives me first

priority on the waiver wire. Can you give me, like, five

more minutes? And then... we will go.

You know what? Take all the time you need.

Hi. I'm sorry, I didn't get the

chance to actually introduce myself.

My name's Pete. I'm Emma.

Nice to meet you, Emma. Nice to meet you.

Are you doing anything later?

Is this bragging? What I'm about to say?

Probably. I don't want to brag...

Then don't. ...but I am super primed for

the playoffs. Ask me how I do it.

How do you do it, Russell? That's a great question.

Because my guys are on teams with super favorable match-ups

during our playoffs. You think that far ahead?

Let's take a look at Detroit during the playoffs.

At home against Tampa Bay. At home against Minnesota.

On the road against Chicago. All those places are what?

They're all cities. With...?

Terrible defenses. Terrible defenses.

Yes. Weak secondaries and cannot stop

the run, can't stop the run... Which means I'm gonna run to

y'all's beach house. (laughs)

Bloop! Now I am going to moonwalk over

to the bar and get myself a fresh glass of wine, 'cause I'm

almost empty. It's full.

No, it's not. He is so good.

It's like he's taken all of his gross sexual energy and put

it into fantasy football. He's like an old, creepy oracle.

We cannot let him win. Well, you know what?

Andre could beat him. Andre?

Yeah. No. He doesn't care about our

playoffs. He doesn't care; he

preoccupied. Well, what are we gonna do?

It's simple, okay? Russell is still a sex addict,

so all we have to do is knock him off the fantasy football

train and just push him onto the sex wagon again.

Are you asking me to sleep with Russell?

No. History has proven that

Russell would rather have sex with a bowl of hummus than you.

I think that was just an off night.

No, but that's a good idea, though.

Do you have any girlfriends that you could hook Russell up with?

No. Do you have any girlfriends?

No. What about Andre's sister?

She can't. She's living the quiet life up

in Scotland on a sex farm. Oh, good for her.

What if we invite Russell and a girl over to hang out in your

above-ground hot tub? No!

Even if they don't have sex, at least they'll get dysentery.

Yeah, yeah. 'Cause that thing's filthy. Filthy.

No, it is not! Have you guys gone in it

since the incident? No.

Yes. What? Ew.

Wait. Hey.

Uh... It's Emma.

Right! Emma! I-I don't know what you look

like, so this is... Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Feel a little weird with the

bandages off, everyone keeps staring.

Well, they're gonna stare at you, because you're gorgeous.

Well, you were into me while they were still on my face,

so... I-I was, I was into you as a

bandaged weirdo in the waiting room.

Says a lot about you, Pete. It does.

It says everything, actually. We'll see about that.

Yeah. You want a drink? Sure.

All right. Guys, this Emma situation is

incredible. And the best part is, I didn't

have to jump through all the hoops that you normally jump

through to get the crazy hot girl, you know?

Yes, yeah. It's like... you pick up

Knile Davis the week before Jamaal Charles goes down.

Yeah. Or Ryan Matthews and Danny

Woodhead go down, and you know what?

Donald Brown, Brendan Oliver, my buddies. Already got 'em.

Enough of the analogies. Let's get into details.

Where did you take her on her first date?

Uh, it was great. We went to the bar, we had a

drink, it was easy... Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You took her... He took her to the bar.

The bar. Those cheekbones do not

deserve to be in that cesspool. You need to give this girl

maximum effort, all right? Tell me what you're doing for

the second date. We're gonna order in from the

Thai place down... No!

No, no, no. You do not order in with a nose

like that. You take that nose out.

She sounds gorgeous. Did you give her the

full nose-ic? The full nose-ic.

She is my statue of David, with a better nose, boobs and no

dick. Andre, thank you for the

advice, but you don't really have a say in this.

As a matter of fact, I do, because I keep a private

counseling session with all of my patients after their

surgeries. God, how low are these

people's self-esteem? Bad.

Rock bottom. One word from me, and this

relationship... vanishes. You suck.

So listen, if you want to keep Emma, you gotta talk to me.

Let's go. Russell, aren't you just

supposed to taste the wine? That's what I'm doing, I'm

tasting it. You're not addicted to

anything anymore, right? I'm just passionate about

wine. And clean living.

Okay, Pete. You want to date me, show me

what you got. Really? We're doing this?

Yes. Mm-hmm. Okay. Um... would you like to

go to, like, a cool foreign film?

You want to put this face in the dark? No. Pass.

Second City for some improv? Oh, you want me to go with

you to a place where they don't even bother to memorize their

lines? Uh, no thank you.

Fine, we could something athletic, like take a run on

Michigan Avenue. What are you, my trainer?

What do you want from me, Emma?

I want passion, I want excitement, I want something

different than the run-of-the-mill Pete Eckhart

date. Fine.

I'll pick you up at 7:00. We'll go to Alinea for a

three-course meal. After a nice aperitif, I'll take

you ice-skating at the John Hancock so that we can look out

over the stars and our future together.

That's really nice. You know, if you play your cards

right, I'll even invite you up for a nightcap.

No. Well, date approved.

No... Welcome to No Missionary

Fridays. Jesus, Taco, it's like a

scene from Boogie Nights in here.

You're a regular High Hefner. Hey, did the concierge lube

you up on the way in? I politely declined that

service, thank you. Oh, you like it dry?

It's gonna hurt after a few hours.

Let's just talk about why we're here, okay?

Yes, the plan. I will distract Russell, keep

him here... Mm-hmm.

...while you... Will get Crazy Tiffany, bring

her back and introduce her to Russell.

Right. Please feel free to have all

the three-penis wine you want. Allergic to penis.

Um, everybody? This is my brother Kevin.

He's very shy, so please, make him feel at home. Okay?

All right, have fun. Ooh, God... Okay. Thank you.

I have, uh, I have low "T," so don't count me in on any of this

stuff. Russell, hey!

Russell. Come here, man. What's going on?

Welcome to the party. What's going on?

I thought this was a BnB. I don't know, man.

It's kind of weird. I might have to get out of here.

There's a lot of familiar butt holes in here.

Yeah, but you know, that's in your past.

Maybe I should go. No, no, no, let's talk about

football. You've been doing great this

year, man. Oh, thanks.

Although I did notice that this week you haven't put a

kicker in yet, in your lineup, so your lineup's sort of illegal

at this point. Well, that's kind of a little

move that I do. What I'll do is I'll pick up an

extra wide receiver or a running back or even a "D" and then I'll

figure out who I'm gonna start and then at the last minute,

I'll drop one of those guys, pick up a kicker.

After I check out the wind and weather reports, of course.

God, you're good. Hey, everybody.

Look who I randomly ran into by accident.

It's my friend Tiffany. Crazy Tiffany.

Perfect. Uh, this is my good friend

Russell. Hi. Russell.

Hi. You're so tall. So tall.

Uh, your hands are so soft. There's a lot of lotion on

there, right? Wow, you guys have amazing

chemistry. You should get a room upstairs.

Okay. Thank you so much, I'm so

flattered. I can't. But Kevin might be interested.

Huh? I could do that.

That's a great idea. Kevin, you and Tiffany should

sleep together. No. No, it's not a great

idea. A great idea is the idea we just

spoke about over there. Yeah, but that idea didn't

work out, so we need a new idea. So you should sleep with

Tiffany. No.

I have an idea. What's your idea?

One, two, three, me. Yeah! But not me.

Okay. Threesome!

Yes, yes, yes. All three of us go upstairs.

Come on, we never do anything as brothers.

I will take you mini golfing, okay? Okay... no...

I love miniature golfing. I can't do that.

I cannot... I cannot go upstairs and have sex with you.

Oh, so you want to do it here?

It's not gonna bother me at all.

No. Can I have a tarp?

Yeah, let's get a tarp, please!

Tarps? Wait, wait, why are the lights

flickering? It's a blackout party.

Wait, what's a blackout party?

It gets crazy. (Kevin shrieks)

Who's touching me?! How many people are touching me?

Sorry, that was me. The plan did not work.

But it was so simple. What about Crazy Tiffany?

Well, he didn't want to sleep with her to salvage the plan, so

I had to sleep with her. That is just crazy.

But what about Russell? Well, he's so clean, he

didn't even want to film it. He's clean as a whistle.

I don't know why people say "clean as a whistle."

Whistles aren't clean at all. I had to climb out a window

and I was poked and prodded within an inch of my life.

And he sent us this loan for the EBDBBnBnBnBnBnB.

Andre, you are a genius. What?

Yes. I am so happy that you forced me

to change my game plan, because not only was my date with Emma

romantic, I think it might be actually going somewhere.

Ooh, do tell, girlfriend! Let me ask you: did you kiss my

pillowy lips? I kissed her lips.

But I was a gentleman, so I stayed at first base.

So upset. I really wanted you to play with my breasts.

Why are you calling them "your breasts"?

They are my breasts. They're my breasts, they're my

lips, they're my everything. I mean, I am the sculptor.

I worked so hard on my breasts that when you touch her, I want

you to think of me. Andre, the last thing I want

to think of when I'm near Emma's breasts is you.

I've been counting the days until you play with my nipples.

Andre, stop calling them your nipples.

Okay, fine, my areolas. Don't do that!

These are not yours. Why are you freaking out?

We're like Eskimo brothers here. You didn't even hook up with

her! Uh, I saw her naked.

Mmm, how many times do I have to tell you? That doesn't count.

It counts. Hmm-mm, hmm-mm, hmm-mm.

What's this place? This is the room.

The room? The room.

This looks like a bedroom to me.

There is a bed there. What happens in here?

Whatever you want to happen. Really?

Yeah. I have ideas.

Mm. Okay.

You're gonna love my breasts. Uh...

(Emma laughs) It's okay. Really.

Okay. Touch me, Peter.

Uh! Ah... You okay?

I feel like we should take it slow.

You are so sweet. I'll be right back.

Oh... And then we'll take it slow.

Okay. (door closes)

What the hell? (groans) (cell phone ringing)

Hey. It's Andre. Are you with her?

Yes, I'm with her! What do you want?!

Have you felt my breasts yet? I am not having this

conversation with you right now. Pete, you can do whatever you

want to my breasts. You can tickle them, you can put

your tongue on them-- I guarantee you you'll never

know that they're fake. Andre, these are not your

breasts! Stop it! Pete, I am so excited for

you. I cannot wait for you to feel my

vagina. (groans) That is the worst

thing you could possibly say to me right now.

The labia might be a little bit sore because of the

procedure, but don't worry. Go to town. Oh, you know what?

What am I doing? I'm telling you all

about my labia. You should come back tomorrow

and tell me all about my labia. (groans)

(door opens) I got to go.

Hey. Hi.

So, are we still thinking about that whole "taking it

slow" thing? I'm rethinking my position.

Good. Hey, Pete.

So, what do you think?

Come here.

Are-are you okay?

Come here, big boy.

Yeah.

Yeah, everything's great.

Get those hands over here.

Ooh! Ooh-la-la.

(shushing)

Ooh, I'm so excited!

What-what's wrong?

I'm in your yank bank now.

Oh, no!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

What?! It-it's the surgery.

You can tell me if it's the

surgery.

It's totally not the surgery.

It's kind of the surgery.

It's complicated.

Well, I think Dr. Nowzick did

a really great job.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, don't say Dr. Nowzick!

Don't call him that!

Well, I think it's weird to

call my doctor Andre!

Oh! Don't say his name!

Ah, I can't take it!

Disgusting!

Just got to pick a kicker, check the weather.

Uh, excuse me? Oh, hi.

Um, we're actually closed. We're not open till tomorrow.

I know. I'm just looking for Dr. Nowzick.

Andre's not here. Uh, he went to the hat store, so

it's probably gonna be awhile. Is there something I can help

you with? I'm-I'm Russell.

Emma. Hey.

Um, it's kind of personal. His friend Pete blew me off.

What? Why would Pete blow you off?

I don't know if it's me or the surgery or the combo.

But he's disgusted. Well, Pete is a moron.

I mean, look at yourself. I-I don't think you can look at

yourself, but if you could look at yourself, you would agree

with me that I'm right that you're gorgeous.

Thank you. You know, whenever I'm

feeling kind of down, what I like to do is soothe myself with

a little Rioja. Can I offer you some?

Yes. Do you know anything about

wine? No. I know I like

to drink it. Mm-hmm.

Know it gets you drunk. That's all you need to know.

To drinking a beautiful wine with a beautiful woman.

Sure doesn't feel that way though.

I thought all this work being done would make me feel some

kind of way, and it hasn't, so...

Isn't that crazy? They don't tell you how hard it

is to be a gorgeous woman. Well, I don't know anything

about being a gorgeous woman. All I do know is if I do not get

laid soon, I'm gonna throw myself off a bridge.

No! No, no, no! No! I'm so sorry about that.

Is there something wrong with me?!

No, uh, it's you, it's me. I...

Oh, that's original. Fine, it is you.

I have to warn you. I have an extremely addictive

personality. That's fine. Me, too.

Off the wagon!

I can't believe I'm gonna lose and I'm gonna lose to you.

What are you thinking with your lineup?

It was terrible. Technically, I'm not

mathematically eliminated here. Okay? If Chicago has a huge game

against the Saints, you got the Saints' D.

If they go negative points, I could do this.

I can pull it out. You know what?

I thought about the same thing, my friend, and that's why I have

decided to bench the Saints' D. No matter how badly they do, if

they're on my bench, they ain't getting negative points, and I

can't lose. That is dirty pool.

Even dirty for you. Oh, Pete, you can charm me

all you want, but it's not gonna get you a win.

Hey! What's up, guys? Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

I never do this, but I have to ask...

What? Are you the guy who's been in

the Sacko two years in a row? You know what? Not funny.

I'm in the Sacko, big deal. I'm gonna win.

It's not gonna be an issue. Yeah, I think it will be an

issue. All right, well, I am gonna

go congratulate Andre on his big night.

Slide over. Well, who you gonna lose to next

week in the Shiva Bowl, Ruxin? Well, I'm not gonna lose to

anybody, but I think I'm gonna end up playing Russell.

Yeah, Andre's up by two points, but he's played all of

his players, and Russell still hasn't started a kicker.

And as soon as Shayne Graham gets locked in, good-bye, Andre.

But he'll always have this successful wine bar.

(Pete laughs) Have you guys seen Russell?

Oh, my God! What are you wearing?

You look like a Hasidic club promoter.

No, I think you look more like Russian Liberace.

I'd say he looks like an old-age home hooker.

Okay, I am so stressed out right now, I don't know if those

are compliments or insults, all right?

What I do know is Russell's been gone since Sunday morning

and I need to find him. Well, look, I haven't seen

him, but if you see him, tell him he needs to start a kicker.

I don't care about a kicker! I need a sommelier, okay?

I mean, people are waiting. Andre, table 12 is asking for

a wine recommendation from the Southern Rh?ne Valley?

I don't know what that is, okay? I have the style!

I have the je ne sais quoi! Not the knowledge!

I hate the word je ne sais quoi.

Mm, now you know how we feel. Russell...

Oh, Andre, Andre, hey! I just wanted to say

congratulations! Have you seen Russell?

What? I don't know how to do this!

Oh, my God. Hey, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny... Whoa!

Do you want a drink? Do you work here now?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no... Taco, when was the last time

you slept? About two weeks ago.

What? Yeah, it's okay though.

You don't need to sleep. Yeah, you do need to sleep.

No, no, no, no, no, no, you don't.

Taco? Whoa!

(whoops) What the hell's a Rh?ne

Viognier? (passionate moaning)

Russell? Andre?

Emma?! Hi, Dr. Nowzick!

What are you guys doing? Uh... well, this is

intercourse, and we're doing a whole lot of it, like, over and

over and over... I know what you're doing.

Look, this is opening night. We are slammed up there.

I need you upstairs. Well, we're kind of

busy down here, too. I need to talk to you

for a second, please! The both of us?

No, just you! Well, you're not gonna

yell at me, are you, because I already feel kind of

bad about myself... Russell, come on!

It'll just take me a second. You-you stay!

Don't look at my wiener. Congrats! The place looks

really great. Thank you so much.

Like us on Yelp, okay? What the hell is going on

in there?! Andre, I'm so sorry.

I lost control. But your vagina-- I had to

sample your vagina... Do not call it my vagina,

okay? I didn't think your vagina

could live up to the hype, but it does!

Clean yourself up right now! Okay.

What is that? It's that speed weed from

Taco. I've been up for 48 hours

straight having sex and after I have sex, I masturbate and

after that, I look at pictures of corn, which I find is a huge

turn on for me! You're jerking off to corn?!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah...

Russell, I need you to pull yourself together...

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah... You need to go upstairs and

do the wine. Screw the wine, okay?!

Actually that's not a bad idea. (Andre saying "No!" over and

over rapidly) (Russell saying "Yeah!" over and

over rapidly)

Okay. I think this is it. Oh.

Okay, I found Russell. It's worse than I could've

imagined. I will be the sommelier tonight.

No! Really? I need an apron.

No, you don't need an apron. Sommeliers don't have aprons.

I need flair. Here, I'll take the scarf, okay?

Oh, God. Yeah, this is gonna be good.

That's worse. Taco!

What? Wake up or go home!

It's opening night! Uh-huh.

How do you pronounce that? "C?tes de Rh?ne."

Got it! Welcome to the EBDBBnB.

Can I get you lubed up? No, sir. Thank you very much.

Um, hi. Hi.

I heard that you had some questions about the wine.

Well, I am your sommelier. Yeah, we've heard that your

descriptions of the wine are almost poetic.

They really bring everything to life.

Well, this is one of my favorites.

It's a C?tes de Rh?ne, you know, from France.

You know, this wine has, uh, really great knees, you know,

it's... "Knees"?

...it's sturdy. It's a very core-centric wine...

Can you tell us anything about the vintner?

"The vintner." Yeah.

Yes, well, uh... he used to be, um, a Southern

shrimp boat captain. And he took his love of crawdads

and used it to open up a winery. You know, he's always like, "Oh,

I got my-my-my grapes! I got, I got to keep them

"separated! You know, I got my Syrah and

my-my Malbecs, I got to keep them separated!"

So, he went to France to open a vineyard?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I don't really know how that

speaks to the wine. The restaurant reviewer is

here and she's a real hard ass. What? Where?

Oh, my God... She's blind.

I know. Can you at least open it?

Oh, I'm sorry. Hi, Trixie.

It-it's Andre. Andre, yeah.

Is that really Trixie? Oh, yeah.

How are you? Blind.

I'm doing really blind. You... I mean, you-you do it

well, so... Well, thank you.

Oh, my God. She's still blind.

Oh, it hasn't affected her fashion sense.

Wow, Andre's widow-making death jizz really did a number

on her eyes. Glasses are a good choice.

People don't wear the glasses and I feel like...

You know, thank you for saying that because no one ever

comments on the glasses. I didn't know that you were,

uh, reviewing restaurants. Uh, yeah, I stuck with the

interior decorating for about a year.

Well, then because of the blindness, right?

No, I just got bored. Oh, okay. Oh, uh, of course.

Well, welcome to M?nage ? Cinq. You know, I must confess I

love the name. I love it. See? I knew it!

See, no one gets it, but you got it.

I got it, I got it. And the d?cor sounds amazing.

Oh, my God. You, if you could see it, you

would... We have these old security deposit boxes.

We turned a wine bar into a bank and then we're turning it back

into a... BOTH: Wine bar!

Yes! Oh, so Andre.

Oh, my gosh. Genius.

Even though his jizz bomb blinded her, there is still

sexual chemistry between them. 100%.

Well, um, I always like to start in the kitchen.

So, if you don't mind. Okay, yeah, okay, oh, uh...

um, just, yeah. We'll just... Good, okay, this is...

Oh, God. Oh, shit. She's coming...

Oh, she's coming over. Okay, yeah...

I know, Andre. Okay.

(sniffing) Are your loser friends here?

No. ALL: Hi, Trixie!

Yeah, they're here. I really like your Sunset

Boulevard look. (groans)

Watch out, watch out! Sorry! What are you doing?

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0