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JENNY: Peace be with you.
KEVIN: And also with you.
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00:00:02,568 --> 00:00:04,152
ANDRE: You guys getting, uh,
pretty religious, huh?
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00:00:04,287 --> 00:00:06,247
No, we just dropped the kids
off at Sunday school.
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00:00:06,289 --> 00:00:08,456
Yeah, we think it's nice for
them to get a moral boost that
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00:00:08,574 --> 00:00:10,458
they may not be receiving at
home.
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00:00:10,576 --> 00:00:12,496
And we get to watch football
with no kids around.
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00:00:12,578 --> 00:00:14,462
PETE: Wait, aren't you
supposed to be in church while
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00:00:14,580 --> 00:00:16,464
the kids are at Sunday school?
I don't think they check.
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00:00:16,582 --> 00:00:18,550
No, it's not like it's a
commandment.
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00:00:18,668 --> 00:00:20,752
TACO: Taco Corp is in a state
of emergency.
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00:00:20,886 --> 00:00:23,505
The EBDB's been compromised.
A brute force attack by the
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00:00:23,639 --> 00:00:26,391
Chinese crashed the EBDB and
left it vulnerable to hackers
13
00:00:26,509 --> 00:00:28,426
breaking in through the back
door.
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00:00:28,561 --> 00:00:30,762
What are you talking about?
Last night I was driving the
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00:00:30,846 --> 00:00:33,315
EBDB van and I got into an
accident with the delivery guy
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00:00:33,432 --> 00:00:35,934
from the Chinese market.
After that, the back door
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00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:38,236
wouldn't close right.
And in the middle of the night,
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00:00:38,354 --> 00:00:40,772
someone broke into the van and
stole my Walkman.
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00:00:40,906 --> 00:00:42,774
So what?
On that tape was a recording
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00:00:42,908 --> 00:00:44,868
of me reading the entire Eskimo
Brothers Database.
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00:00:44,910 --> 00:00:46,778
Ooh...
Scandal.
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00:00:46,912 --> 00:00:48,780
This never would've happened
before Mark from Cuba took over
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00:00:48,914 --> 00:00:50,782
the company.
You know what I think?
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00:00:50,916 --> 00:00:52,784
The Chinese are in bed with the
Cubans.
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00:00:52,918 --> 00:00:56,788
Sounds like we're on the verge of a
Mark Cuban missile crisis. Yeah. Yeah.
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00:00:56,922 --> 00:00:58,790
Ooh!
Oh.
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00:00:58,924 --> 00:01:00,792
(cat meows)
Oh!
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00:01:00,926 --> 00:01:02,794
Oh, my...
Rat! Kill it!
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00:01:02,928 --> 00:01:06,514
No, this is not a rat.
This is Milady.
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00:01:06,632 --> 00:01:09,384
Milady?
I rescued her.
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00:01:09,518 --> 00:01:11,970
And in many respects, I think
she rescued me.
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00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:14,939
Now let's get you some kibble.
Isn't that right? Come on. Yes.
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00:01:15,057 --> 00:01:19,561
Ew! God, Andre.
Oh, boy.
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00:01:19,695 --> 00:01:21,536
Oh, my God, this is...
It's like it's too easy.
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00:01:21,647 --> 00:01:22,564
Oh, wow.
I know.
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00:01:22,698 --> 00:01:24,566
We could literally sit here
all day long and make jokes
37
00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:26,568
about how Andre's finally
getting some...
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00:01:26,702 --> 00:01:28,570
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We got to challenge ourselves,
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00:01:28,704 --> 00:01:30,789
Pete.
Oh, come on. It's such
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00:01:30,906 --> 00:01:33,041
low-hanging pussy fruit.
Look, we could still make the
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00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:36,161
jokes-- we just omit the word.
Okay, first person to break
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00:01:36,328 --> 00:01:38,880
and make a pussy joke has to
give up their best running back.
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00:01:38,998 --> 00:01:40,882
Wow.
Ooh, that has some teeth.
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00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,884
I like that.
I like that, too.
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00:01:43,002 --> 00:01:44,886
All right, we're doing this.
As league commissioner, I
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00:01:45,004 --> 00:01:46,888
sanction this bet.
Yeah?
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00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:48,890
Let's shake on it.
Yeah.
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00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:50,892
Come on.
Yeah, it figures, Andre
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00:01:51,010 --> 00:01:53,011
finally gets some pussy and it's
dirty and hairy from the street.
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00:01:53,179 --> 00:01:55,013
What is that?
You can't do that.
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00:01:55,181 --> 00:02:00,396
I didn't shake on it yet. I got one.
Uh, Andre... Aw... It's official.
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00:02:00,762 --> 00:02:04,570
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
53
00:02:04,690 --> 00:02:06,574
You know, it's probably just
stress-related.
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00:02:06,692 --> 00:02:09,077
I'm the current champ in my
fantasy football league.
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00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:11,529
A lot of pressure to repeat.
Well, you definitely have
56
00:02:11,664 --> 00:02:13,531
some blockage, and it can be a
lot of things.
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00:02:13,666 --> 00:02:16,618
It could be diverticulitis or
just a sluggish bowel, so I'm
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00:02:16,752 --> 00:02:18,620
gonna need a stool sample from
you.
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00:02:18,754 --> 00:02:21,372
What? Ew.
Okay.
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00:02:21,507 --> 00:02:23,425
No. Oh.
That's my coffee.
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00:02:23,542 --> 00:02:26,961
Oh.
No, I'm gonna get you a kit.
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00:02:27,096 --> 00:02:30,548
And over the next several days,
you're going to deposit your
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00:02:30,716 --> 00:02:32,717
fecal matter in it.
It's like a yogurt spoon.
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00:02:32,885 --> 00:02:35,470
And it can be used that way
but, for this, feces.
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00:02:35,604 --> 00:02:38,106
Put 'em in the blue bags, one
per day.
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00:02:38,224 --> 00:02:40,308
You tie it up and you put it in
the freezer.
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00:02:40,443 --> 00:02:42,323
Then in three days...
I'm sorry, I put it in the
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00:02:42,445 --> 00:02:44,312
freezer?
You can put it in the back so
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00:02:44,447 --> 00:02:47,065
you don't get confused.
And then, in three days, just
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00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:50,735
come back to the office and
we'll check it out.
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00:02:50,870 --> 00:02:52,737
All right, well, thanks for
being really cool about this and
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00:02:52,905 --> 00:02:54,989
not laughing at me.
Why would I laugh?
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00:02:55,124 --> 00:02:57,125
You're making me poop in a bag.
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00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:59,163
Poop's not funny.
Poop actually put my three kids
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00:02:59,245 --> 00:03:01,129
through college.
Where did they go?
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00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:03,414
Brown University?
My youngest did.
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00:03:03,582 --> 00:03:07,452
(laughing): Really?
I've recently come into some
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00:03:07,586 --> 00:03:09,420
money, so I'm looking for a
place to live.
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00:03:09,588 --> 00:03:11,422
Oh, so you're still at your
old place?
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00:03:11,590 --> 00:03:13,842
Old place...?
My place.
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00:03:13,976 --> 00:03:16,227
Oh. Mon Dieu.
Hey, hey.
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00:03:16,345 --> 00:03:18,229
Andre, this is, uh, my friend
Penny.
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00:03:18,347 --> 00:03:22,233
Hello. How are you? Andre is a plastic
surgeon here. Number one in Chicago.
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00:03:22,351 --> 00:03:24,269
Okay, there's that, yeah.
Penny runs this really cool kind
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00:03:24,403 --> 00:03:26,271
of pet grooming company, so...
Pet grooming, that's such a
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00:03:26,405 --> 00:03:28,273
growth market.
I love it.
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00:03:28,407 --> 00:03:30,275
Oh, thank you.
I'm-I'm really excited because
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00:03:30,409 --> 00:03:32,443
it's brand-new and it's, like,
got some edge to it.
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00:03:32,578 --> 00:03:38,283
Okay. You know, for pets with attitude,
there is "Cattitude." I love it.
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00:03:38,450 --> 00:03:40,451
I loved it, too.
Yeah!
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00:03:40,586 --> 00:03:42,453
I still don't get it.
You gotta get a cat an
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00:03:42,588 --> 00:03:44,756
attitude.
Oh, speaking of, I have to go
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00:03:44,874 --> 00:03:47,458
pick up my new business cards.
Okeydokey.
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00:03:47,593 --> 00:03:49,460
So, um, it was so great
meeting you guys.
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00:03:49,595 --> 00:03:52,764
Um... ? tout ? l'heure.Au revoir.
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00:03:52,882 --> 00:03:55,266
What?
Is she French?
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00:03:55,384 --> 00:03:57,936
Uh, no.
Is she Canadian?
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00:03:58,053 --> 00:04:00,221
No.
Cajun?
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00:04:00,356 --> 00:04:02,690
No, she, um... she just
thinks, you know, speaking in
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00:04:02,808 --> 00:04:05,643
French is classy, so...
In my experience, people that
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00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:07,979
use the word "classy" are rarely
ever classy.
102
00:04:08,113 --> 00:04:10,615
Yeah, it's a paradox.
Like Schrodinger's cat.
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00:04:10,733 --> 00:04:13,067
What's Schrodinger's cat?
All right, there's a box and
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inside that box there's a cat,
but you don't know if it's alive
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00:04:15,738 --> 00:04:19,624
or dead. But if you open the box, you
kill the cat. Well, in my experience,
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00:04:19,742 --> 00:04:21,626
keeping the box closed kills the
cat.
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00:04:21,744 --> 00:04:23,878
It's another paradox.
No, I know the cat's dead.
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00:04:23,996 --> 00:04:25,964
It stops moving.
All right, don't... Please.
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00:04:26,081 --> 00:04:28,499
Oh, I should ask Penny for help.
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00:04:28,667 --> 00:04:31,419
ChiTown Style's doing a, uh...
a piece on professionals and
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00:04:31,554 --> 00:04:34,672
their pets, and I'm gonna do a
little spread with Milady.
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00:04:34,807 --> 00:04:37,759
Okay, so you're doing a
spread for camera, and you're
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00:04:37,893 --> 00:04:39,761
gonna show your... Milady?
Yeah!
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00:04:39,895 --> 00:04:41,763
You got to make sure it's
nice and trim.
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00:04:41,897 --> 00:04:43,765
I mean, this isn't the late '70s
anymore.
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00:04:43,899 --> 00:04:46,234
You don't want some wild, hairy,
crazy... feline.
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00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:48,236
No.
Oh, my God. No way.
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00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:50,238
When the hair's all over the
place, it makes her look way
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00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:52,240
older.
Well, you know what a lot of
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00:04:52,358 --> 00:04:55,360
people are doing now, they're
just waxing their-their
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00:04:55,527 --> 00:04:57,579
Miladies.
I don't think that the cat
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00:04:57,696 --> 00:04:59,581
would stand for that.
It's pretty painful.
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00:04:59,698 --> 00:05:01,698
There are a lot of hairless
cats though, I noticed.
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00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:03,585
I don't want a hairless Milady.
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00:05:03,702 --> 00:05:05,837
I like a little bit of fur there
just so I can kind of get lost
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00:05:05,955 --> 00:05:09,007
in it when I touch it.
Oh, that reminds me, can I shoot
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00:05:09,124 --> 00:05:11,042
this at your house?
Why?
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00:05:11,176 --> 00:05:13,294
Well, 'cause you have that
place set and if this works out
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00:05:13,429 --> 00:05:16,097
as good as I think it will, you
might have a centerfold of me
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00:05:16,215 --> 00:05:18,883
playing with Milady on your
front lawn.
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00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:20,885
Great.
Wow.
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00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:23,021
Oh, my gosh, it's, uh, Devin
from my spin class.
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00:05:23,138 --> 00:05:25,106
I want to talk to you about that
mix I sent you.
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00:05:25,224 --> 00:05:27,358
Okay, look, you have an
opportunity to pull an
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00:05:27,476 --> 00:05:29,677
unbelievable prank on Andre.
What are you talking about?
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00:05:29,778 --> 00:05:32,647
Just tell Penny that Andre
wants Milady groomed with a ton
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00:05:32,781 --> 00:05:36,067
of cattitude.
I mean, cattitude for days.
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00:05:36,201 --> 00:05:38,786
That way when she's done, Milady
will look as ridiculous as
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00:05:38,904 --> 00:05:40,538
Andre.
Oh, this is brilliant.
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00:05:40,656 --> 00:05:42,073
Yeah.
This is huge.
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00:05:42,207 --> 00:05:44,167
Guys, I know we're not
allowed to make pussy jokes
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00:05:44,209 --> 00:05:46,744
about Andre's cat, but can we at
least make jokes about Andre's
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00:05:46,912 --> 00:05:49,664
cat's actual vagina?
I got a good look at it, and it
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00:05:49,798 --> 00:05:54,302
is disgusting.
Looks like Jabba the Hutt's eye.
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00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,421
I can't believe I'm doing this.
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00:05:56,588 --> 00:06:01,643
All right, I'm just gonna tuck
you right in there.
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00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:08,266
Cover you with vegetables...
and a bogey.
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00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:12,103
Yeah. Great.
I have built myself a little
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00:06:12,271 --> 00:06:15,106
feces fort.
Oh, my God, you scared me.
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00:06:15,274 --> 00:06:17,775
Hey.
You and Daddy are sinners.
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00:06:17,943 --> 00:06:20,778
Who told you that?
You worship false idols.
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00:06:20,913 --> 00:06:22,780
I learned about it in Sunday
school.
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00:06:22,915 --> 00:06:26,117
We don't worship false idols.
What about this?
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00:06:26,285 --> 00:06:30,505
(chuckles) That is the Shiva.
Then destroy the Shiva.
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00:06:30,622 --> 00:06:32,674
What?! You watch your mouth,
lady.
156
00:06:32,791 --> 00:06:36,177
See? Sinners!
Enjoy your eternity in Hell!
157
00:06:36,295 --> 00:06:38,379
Ugh, I'm already there.
Sinner!
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00:06:38,514 --> 00:06:40,848
(chuckles) She's crazy.
She directly takes after your
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00:06:40,966 --> 00:06:44,852
mother. Ignore her like you do my mom.
How was that doctor's
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00:06:44,970 --> 00:06:46,930
appointment the other day?
You know, it was great.
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00:06:46,972 --> 00:06:49,524
Everything good?
Yeah. Everything is great.
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00:06:49,641 --> 00:06:53,144
Ooh.
Ew, peas.
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00:06:53,312 --> 00:06:56,564
Ew...
Ooh, pizza bites!
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00:06:56,699 --> 00:07:01,319
Pizza bites.
(sighs)
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00:07:01,453 --> 00:07:04,205
These are really weird requests.
166
00:07:04,323 --> 00:07:06,874
Are you sure he wants his cat to
look like this for the photo
167
00:07:06,992 --> 00:07:08,960
shoot?
Have you met Andre?
168
00:07:09,078 --> 00:07:10,628
Yeah, you're right.
That's a stupid question.
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00:07:10,746 --> 00:07:12,630
All right, good.
I'm just really nervous
170
00:07:12,748 --> 00:07:16,417
because this is a big
opportunity for me because Andre
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00:07:16,552 --> 00:07:18,669
said that if he loves my work,
he's gonna recommend me to all
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00:07:18,837 --> 00:07:21,506
of his clients.
And you know those ladies perm
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00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,508
their poodles on a regular
basis.
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00:07:23,642 --> 00:07:27,428
Oh, so this is big?
Oui. Tr?s masse.
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00:07:27,563 --> 00:07:32,517
And you were so nice to set this
up for me that I really want to
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00:07:32,684 --> 00:07:35,737
do something nice for you.
I... I was not nice.
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00:07:35,854 --> 00:07:37,355
I would've done it for anybody.
That's fine. Fine.
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00:07:37,489 --> 00:07:43,694
No, you are helping turn
Cattitude from this dream I had
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00:07:43,829 --> 00:07:47,782
at Burning Man to a reality.
Mmm.
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00:07:47,916 --> 00:07:50,785
(Penny moaning)
Mmm. Okay.
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00:07:50,919 --> 00:07:53,704
(Pete groans quietly)
182
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,094
I got that pickup game
tonight for basketball.
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00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:00,096
You want to come?
Mm, I can't.
184
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:01,764
Penny is taking me out for a
special celebratory dinner to
185
00:08:01,932 --> 00:08:04,800
thank me for getting her the
Andre job.
186
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:06,921
So, how's the prank coming
along?
187
00:08:07,056 --> 00:08:10,758
Yeah. To be honest, I'm feeling a
little conflicted about the prank.
188
00:08:10,893 --> 00:08:12,760
There's, like, feelings to
consider, and...
189
00:08:12,895 --> 00:08:14,762
What?!
Look, Andre is gonna be super
190
00:08:14,897 --> 00:08:16,764
pissed when he finds out about
the prank, okay?
191
00:08:16,899 --> 00:08:18,900
Yeah.
And Penny's just having her
192
00:08:19,018 --> 00:08:20,902
business starting out, and you
know how huge Andre's presence
193
00:08:21,020 --> 00:08:22,904
is on Yelp.
Yeah, he gave me a two-star
194
00:08:23,022 --> 00:08:24,906
review of Pubercuts.
That almost killed me.
195
00:08:25,024 --> 00:08:26,824
He's gonna neg her business
to death, and then Penny and I
196
00:08:26,942 --> 00:08:28,910
are just gonna be...
(makes cutting noise)
197
00:08:29,028 --> 00:08:30,912
Maybe.
Yeah. Yeah, that's true.
198
00:08:31,030 --> 00:08:34,582
Maybe? Oh... But it's still funny as balls.
Yeah. Super funny, so, you
199
00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:36,200
have to... you have to do it.
Yeah. You have to do it.
200
00:08:36,335 --> 00:08:37,835
What do you mean, I have...?
I don't have to do anything.
201
00:08:37,953 --> 00:08:39,671
Yes, you do.
You have to do the prank.
202
00:08:39,788 --> 00:08:41,539
We thought of a great prank, and
now it has to be done.
203
00:08:41,674 --> 00:08:43,624
Look at this.
Text from Penny.
204
00:08:43,759 --> 00:08:45,460
"OMG. So excited for tonight,
mon cher."
205
00:08:45,627 --> 00:08:47,462
She's so excited!
Yes!
206
00:08:47,629 --> 00:08:49,464
Yes, but she does that
annoying French thing.
207
00:08:49,631 --> 00:08:51,466
Look, you are this league's
historian.
208
00:08:51,633 --> 00:08:54,686
You want people looking back and
saying, "Oh, in 2014, I think
209
00:08:54,803 --> 00:08:58,473
Pete dated a girl for a couple
months", or "In 2014, Pete
210
00:08:58,607 --> 00:09:01,976
Eckhart pulled off the greatest
prank of all time"?
211
00:09:02,111 --> 00:09:03,978
Yes, because he did that
messed up thing to Andre's...
212
00:09:04,113 --> 00:09:05,980
Aah!
No. I didn't say it.
213
00:09:06,115 --> 00:09:07,982
I didn't say it.
You were on the cliff.
214
00:09:08,117 --> 00:09:12,870
You almost did. No, I didn't
even hit the first "S." Hey...
215
00:09:12,988 --> 00:09:15,406
look who made it.
Father Muldoon, how are you?
216
00:09:15,541 --> 00:09:17,742
Hey, your, uh, your
daughter Ellie-- she's doing
217
00:09:17,876 --> 00:09:19,877
great, really taking to the
scripture.
218
00:09:19,995 --> 00:09:22,080
Oh, we've-we've noticed.
It's a great opportunity,
219
00:09:22,214 --> 00:09:24,215
'cause it lets you guys come to
Mass.
220
00:09:24,333 --> 00:09:26,050
It's been a really great
experience for all of us.
221
00:09:26,168 --> 00:09:27,885
Hey, where were you guys last
Sunday?
222
00:09:28,003 --> 00:09:29,837
I was looking for you.
We were, like, right by
223
00:09:29,972 --> 00:09:31,839
the... the stained glass.
Which one?
224
00:09:31,974 --> 00:09:34,092
The one with the woman
kissing the little kid...
225
00:09:34,226 --> 00:09:36,094
The baby Jesus.
That's a baby?
226
00:09:36,228 --> 00:09:38,096
Listen, I'm just, uh, glad
you guys are getting in there.
227
00:09:38,230 --> 00:09:40,098
It's nice.
Yeah, I know-- it's just a
228
00:09:40,232 --> 00:09:41,766
great experience for our whole
family, you know, because Ellie
229
00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:43,601
gets to go to the daycare, we
get to go to Mass.
230
00:09:43,736 --> 00:09:45,603
Sunday school.
Yes.
231
00:09:45,738 --> 00:09:47,438
It's not a baby-sitting
service, it's a Sunday school.
232
00:09:47,573 --> 00:09:49,323
It's the Lord's daycare,
because he's a shepherd, watches
233
00:09:49,441 --> 00:09:51,325
over the sheep with all...
You boys are ready?
234
00:09:51,443 --> 00:09:53,403
Oh. Yeah, let's do this.
It's game time. Let's go.
235
00:09:53,445 --> 00:09:55,329
You guys ready?
Yup.
236
00:09:55,447 --> 00:09:57,331
Stretch it out, come on.
Come on, let's do this.
237
00:09:57,449 --> 00:10:00,084
Try to keep up, padre.
Come on, bringing that... Oh!
238
00:10:00,202 --> 00:10:02,036
Come on. Oh, oh. Come on, geez.
239
00:10:05,007 --> 00:10:09,210
Oh, yeah, and the Lord said
"Let there be net!"
240
00:10:09,378 --> 00:10:11,212
Uh, uh, uh, uh, mm.
Ow!
241
00:10:11,380 --> 00:10:13,214
Oh, yeah.
What?
242
00:10:13,382 --> 00:10:15,049
Go, go, go!
No, you got it, you got it!
243
00:10:15,217 --> 00:10:16,884
Yeah! All in your face.
You like that? You like that?
244
00:10:17,052 --> 00:10:18,886
Oh, yeah!
He fouled me, man.
245
00:10:19,054 --> 00:10:21,556
Jesus Christ!
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!
246
00:10:21,723 --> 00:10:24,392
Sorry. Sorry.
Ball, ball. Hit it.
247
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:26,394
Deliver us from... evil.
Oh! Oh, my...!
248
00:10:26,562 --> 00:10:28,446
Yeah! Yeah!
What the hell?!
249
00:10:28,564 --> 00:10:32,116
Shoot quicker!
He's fouling me every time!
250
00:10:32,234 --> 00:10:35,119
Yeah. What? Huh? What? Huh?
(Kevin groans)
251
00:10:35,237 --> 00:10:37,455
Oh, yeah.
No.
252
00:10:37,573 --> 00:10:42,160
Uh... Ah! Holy Trinity!
Boom shakalaka.
253
00:10:42,294 --> 00:10:43,578
(makes kissing sounds)
254
00:10:46,248 --> 00:10:49,333
Oh, God!
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
255
00:10:49,468 --> 00:10:51,335
No. Foul, man. Foul.
Huh?
256
00:10:51,470 --> 00:10:54,388
You keep pushing everyone.
I preach hard, I play hard.
257
00:10:54,506 --> 00:10:56,340
You got a problem with that?
No... Father.
258
00:10:56,475 --> 00:10:58,426
Huh? That's what I thought.
Whoo! Come on!
259
00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:02,430
God. Oh, look at this shiner that
this priest gave me in basketball.
260
00:11:02,598 --> 00:11:04,148
Guy's out of his mind.
He's fouling like crazy.
261
00:11:04,266 --> 00:11:06,484
Well, the heavenly fouler
works in mysterious ways.
262
00:11:06,602 --> 00:11:08,402
No, no. You know what?
I don't care what the guy does
263
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:12,406
for a living. You get up in his
face, and you yell. He's right.
264
00:11:12,524 --> 00:11:15,276
I can't. Not only is the guy
my priest, but he's also my free
265
00:11:15,410 --> 00:11:18,329
daycare, so, show some respect.
Hey, is Penny gonna be ready
266
00:11:18,447 --> 00:11:20,331
tomorrow, for me to drop off
Milady?
267
00:11:20,449 --> 00:11:22,333
Tomorrow? Tomorrow?
That's really soon.
268
00:11:22,451 --> 00:11:24,368
Well, the shoot is this weekend.
269
00:11:24,503 --> 00:11:28,122
Yeah. Yeah, I just don't know if
Penny's ready yet to make that call...
270
00:11:28,257 --> 00:11:30,208
I'm sure her schedule's
probably open.
271
00:11:30,342 --> 00:11:32,126
Probably. I'll drop her off
tomorrow.
272
00:11:32,294 --> 00:11:34,128
Thank you.
That'll be great.
273
00:11:34,296 --> 00:11:35,963
You're all serious about
false idols!
274
00:11:36,131 --> 00:11:39,550
"Depart from me, ye cursed, into
the eternal fire that I prepare
275
00:11:39,685 --> 00:11:41,769
for the Devil and his angels."
Matthew 25:41.
276
00:11:41,887 --> 00:11:47,475
You know what? Depart from in front of
the TV, cursed. Uncle Pete, 8:18 p.m.
277
00:11:47,609 --> 00:11:49,777
Enough with this!
Go to your room!
278
00:11:49,895 --> 00:11:52,196
Go do homework or something
productive.
279
00:11:52,314 --> 00:11:54,315
You're all fornicators and
sodomites!
280
00:11:54,483 --> 00:11:57,818
Wow! The tiny televangelist
is a real bummer.
281
00:11:57,953 --> 00:11:59,904
She couldn't possibly know
what those words mean.
282
00:12:00,038 --> 00:12:01,822
Well, she did look at Andre
when she said "sodomite."
283
00:12:01,990 --> 00:12:03,708
I...
Yeah, and she didn't look at
284
00:12:03,825 --> 00:12:05,543
either of you guys when she said
"fornicators."
285
00:12:05,661 --> 00:12:09,413
Ha. Maybe this Sunday school daycare
idea has bit us in the ass.
286
00:12:09,548 --> 00:12:13,301
Yeah. Seems like you reap what you sow.
Really? You dare to stand on
287
00:12:13,418 --> 00:12:17,505
moral high ground?
You, who outsourced your team?
288
00:12:17,639 --> 00:12:19,340
What does that have to do
with anything?
289
00:12:19,508 --> 00:12:21,225
What?
Because you cheated, Andre.
290
00:12:21,343 --> 00:12:23,060
You cheated us, and you cheated
Shiva.
291
00:12:23,178 --> 00:12:26,063
Oh, I did not cheat Shiva.
Yeah. You owe us and Shiva
292
00:12:26,181 --> 00:12:28,065
ten Hail Shivas.
Right. Right now.
293
00:12:28,183 --> 00:12:30,067
I'm not doing that.
No.
294
00:12:30,185 --> 00:12:32,069
Do you want to win this year,
Andre?
295
00:12:32,187 --> 00:12:34,071
Okay, fine.
Twenty!
296
00:12:34,189 --> 00:12:36,274
(Andre sighs)
Oh, hail Shiva, full of
297
00:12:36,408 --> 00:12:44,165
grace, my roster is with thee.
Oh, hail Shiva. Oh, hail Shiva.
298
00:12:44,283 --> 00:12:48,586
Oh, hail Shiva.
ALL: Oh, hail Shiva!
299
00:12:48,704 --> 00:12:53,424
Oh, hail Shiva.
Oh, hail Shiva.
300
00:12:53,542 --> 00:12:58,379
Oh, hail Shiva.
Oh, hail Shiva!
301
00:12:58,513 --> 00:13:03,768
Oh, hail Shiva!
Oh, hail Shiva...!
302
00:13:03,885 --> 00:13:07,722
Yes, hail Shiva.
Uh, gentlemen, I've come to a
303
00:13:07,856 --> 00:13:11,392
very difficult decision.
The EBDB's very sensitive data
304
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:15,196
has been compromised by the
Chinese, so, I've decided to
305
00:13:15,314 --> 00:13:18,532
inform all of my clients that
their private information has
306
00:13:18,650 --> 00:13:22,737
been exposed.
So, Pete, the world may find out
307
00:13:22,904 --> 00:13:28,459
that you are Eskimo brothers, through
Gina Gibiatti, with Sisqo. Who?
308
00:13:28,577 --> 00:13:30,461
"Thong Song."
Yeah!
309
00:13:30,579 --> 00:13:32,380
No!
And Kevin, through your
310
00:13:32,497 --> 00:13:37,918
joyless humping with Jenny last week,
you are now connected to Rafi. What?
311
00:13:38,053 --> 00:13:39,920
He was watching through the
window while masturbating.
312
00:13:40,088 --> 00:13:42,139
Ew. Aw. Aw.
Oh, my God.
313
00:13:42,257 --> 00:13:44,392
And Jenny, the world may find
out that you and I are Eskimo
314
00:13:44,509 --> 00:13:46,394
sisters.
Excuse me.
315
00:13:46,511 --> 00:13:50,398
Yeah, I slept with a girl that Jenny
slept with in college. What?!
316
00:13:50,515 --> 00:13:52,400
Ooh.
Becky.
317
00:13:52,517 --> 00:13:54,402
Oh.
Mm.
318
00:13:54,519 --> 00:13:56,354
Oh!
Okay, wait.
319
00:13:56,488 --> 00:13:58,356
Should we get Ellie?
She might have something to say.
320
00:13:58,490 --> 00:14:00,191
Ellie? Ellie, come in here.
No. No.
321
00:14:00,325 --> 00:14:02,193
No, no, no. No, no. No, no.
What? No?
322
00:14:02,327 --> 00:14:04,195
What happened?
Okay, my field hockey team--
323
00:14:04,329 --> 00:14:06,497
we were on the road, our bus
broke down, they put us up at a
324
00:14:06,615 --> 00:14:09,033
janky Days Inn, they stuck us
two in a room, and Becky
325
00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:12,169
and I...
This is like a Cinemax movie.
326
00:14:12,287 --> 00:14:14,005
Hold on, I've got to get
Ruxin on Facetime. He's...
327
00:14:14,122 --> 00:14:15,873
No.
No, no, no, he already knows.
328
00:14:16,008 --> 00:14:17,842
I e-mailed him.
What? No, no. I...
329
00:14:17,959 --> 00:14:21,462
I cannot believe this! No!
It was like a team
330
00:14:21,596 --> 00:14:24,298
trust-building exercise.
Come on!
331
00:14:24,433 --> 00:14:27,218
Guys, I'm so sorry this
information has leaked.
332
00:14:27,352 --> 00:14:29,513
Wish there was something I could
have done to avoid it.
333
00:14:29,521 --> 00:14:31,639
Are you kidding me?!
Yeah. I'm...
334
00:14:31,807 --> 00:14:33,608
Are you kidding me?
In front of everybody over
335
00:14:33,642 --> 00:14:35,309
there, I have to find this out?!
It's kind of hot.
336
00:14:35,477 --> 00:14:37,812
(Kevin sighs)
No more secrets, okay?
337
00:14:37,979 --> 00:14:41,899
Okay, no more secrets.
God.
338
00:14:42,034 --> 00:14:45,653
(Kevin sighs)
No more secrets.
339
00:14:45,821 --> 00:14:49,874
Okay.
What? Is it bad?
340
00:14:49,991 --> 00:14:55,079
It's not great. All right, so, who's my
Eskimo brother or sister? You're good.
341
00:14:55,213 --> 00:14:56,831
What do you mean I'm good?
I'm good?
342
00:14:56,998 --> 00:15:00,501
You're good. Check out, like, a really
embarrassing one, like, John Tesh?
343
00:15:00,669 --> 00:15:04,171
No. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled
at you. It's just, I've had a really
344
00:15:04,339 --> 00:15:06,059
shitty day.
Just shit after shit after shit!
345
00:15:06,141 --> 00:15:07,842
It's a real shitty day for you.
346
00:15:07,976 --> 00:15:09,677
Or, like, somebody from, uh,
2 Live Crew.
347
00:15:09,811 --> 00:15:11,512
No.
This feels great, though.
348
00:15:11,646 --> 00:15:13,514
Ow!
Ellie?
349
00:15:13,648 --> 00:15:15,516
Oh, my God.
Ow! Ow!
350
00:15:15,650 --> 00:15:17,234
Are you okay?
Are you okay? What?
351
00:15:17,352 --> 00:15:19,070
Yeah, the stupid idol fell on
my head.
352
00:15:19,187 --> 00:15:21,072
Oh, honey.
Okay, baby, here, put this on
353
00:15:21,189 --> 00:15:22,907
your head, go ahead.
Ah, no. You know, let me get
354
00:15:23,024 --> 00:15:26,544
you a Boo-Boo Kitty.
No, this is fine.
355
00:15:26,664 --> 00:15:28,549
Yeah, leave that on there.
Okay, you know what?
356
00:15:28,666 --> 00:15:30,551
Shiva's gonna go in the garage.
Just until this phase passes.
357
00:15:30,668 --> 00:15:32,553
Yeah, let's put the Sacko in
there for consistency, too.
358
00:15:32,670 --> 00:15:34,555
Uh, no.
Nope.
359
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:36,557
Not happening.
No way.
360
00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:37,803
You know what, babe?
I think you're good.
361
00:15:37,923 --> 00:15:39,203
No, no, no, got to leave this
on.
362
00:15:39,295 --> 00:15:41,296
Ice helps with the swelling.
Ew!
363
00:15:50,448 --> 00:15:52,244
I, uh, I kind of love football.
364
00:15:52,364 --> 00:15:54,127
We should totally watch
football together.
365
00:15:54,497 --> 00:15:56,667
Um... okay.
Yeah.
366
00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:04,756
Aah! God... What do you think? Wow, I l...
I love it, I wish
367
00:16:04,874 --> 00:16:07,876
it was a little less.
Oh, like a little less?
368
00:16:08,044 --> 00:16:10,379
Still less, I think.
What about nothing?
369
00:16:10,513 --> 00:16:12,714
Nothing's good.
Very good.
370
00:16:12,849 --> 00:16:16,385
Can't tell with these two
hats-- do I want to get laid
371
00:16:16,519 --> 00:16:21,640
or do I want to get paid.
Is there another option?
372
00:16:21,774 --> 00:16:24,893
Both. But you made all this from scratch?
I learned to cook in
373
00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:30,031
Provence. Well, I learned to
eat in Chicago. Bon app?tit.
374
00:16:30,149 --> 00:16:33,151
Oh, my God, that's good.
Wait 16 minutes.
375
00:16:33,286 --> 00:16:35,153
All right, I'm not waiting
16 minutes, no, no.
376
00:16:35,288 --> 00:16:41,410
No, but, but... It's not hummus with
chickpeas, it's hummus with... Oh, wow.
377
00:16:41,544 --> 00:16:43,578
Salmon roe.
Now, take this in.
378
00:16:43,746 --> 00:16:45,580
It's crab bladder...
(gagging)
379
00:16:45,748 --> 00:16:47,082
...and algae.
No, no, no, no.
380
00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:50,168
The gagging's normal-- you're
supposed to taste it twice.
381
00:16:50,303 --> 00:16:59,678
Ooh. Shiva, give me guidance, please.
(phone rings)
382
00:16:59,812 --> 00:17:02,564
Hey, I was just thinking about
you.
383
00:17:02,682 --> 00:17:04,766
Aw! I was thinking about you,
too.
384
00:17:04,934 --> 00:17:08,437
So I got off early.
Voulez-vous manger avec moi?
385
00:17:08,571 --> 00:17:13,909
Sure. Well, just think about what you
want to do. Yeah, I'm thinking about it.
386
00:17:14,026 --> 00:17:15,911
Pick him up, you got him.
Aw, yeah.
387
00:17:16,028 --> 00:17:17,446
What?
Yeah!
388
00:17:17,580 --> 00:17:19,580
Dude, play some defense.
The guy is a lunatic, man.
389
00:17:19,582 --> 00:17:21,333
He fouls all the time.
Leave me alone.
390
00:17:21,451 --> 00:17:22,918
Man up.
Fine.
391
00:17:23,035 --> 00:17:24,920
Pick him up, go.
(Muldoon groans)
392
00:17:25,037 --> 00:17:26,455
Oh!
Foul, foul.
393
00:17:26,622 --> 00:17:28,123
What is wrong with you?
Hey, hey, it was an accident,
394
00:17:28,257 --> 00:17:31,676
okay? You've been playing like that
the whole time. I'm a man of God.
395
00:17:31,794 --> 00:17:33,678
All right, you... I-I'm
sorry, you're right, Father.
396
00:17:33,796 --> 00:17:36,965
Um, I have an ice pack, I will
get it for you.
397
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,935
A little warm, but it should
work.
398
00:17:40,052 --> 00:17:41,937
(Muldoon groans)
I'm sorry, Father, I...
399
00:17:42,054 --> 00:17:43,438
Got to watch those elbows--
it's crazy.
400
00:17:43,556 --> 00:17:45,140
My emotions got the best of me.
401
00:17:45,308 --> 00:17:48,143
Are you okay? It's okay, it's
fine, it's fine, I'm fine. Okay.
402
00:17:48,311 --> 00:17:52,481
(Muldoon exhales)
(Muldoon sniffs)
403
00:17:52,615 --> 00:17:56,067
Oh, my God.
What is this?
404
00:17:56,202 --> 00:17:58,653
What...?
Oh I... I think that's shit.
405
00:17:58,788 --> 00:18:00,655
This is shit?
Oh... Excrement, e-excrement.
406
00:18:00,790 --> 00:18:02,657
You threw a bag of shit at me?
407
00:18:02,792 --> 00:18:04,659
No, no, no, no, that's not my
shit-- I don't know whose shit
408
00:18:04,794 --> 00:18:06,628
that is.
Father, I am so sorry.
409
00:18:06,746 --> 00:18:09,381
I-I... I will never miss Mass
again.
410
00:18:09,499 --> 00:18:12,167
Is this a sin?
Yes, yes, it's a sin.
411
00:18:12,335 --> 00:18:13,969
"Throw shit into a priest's
face" is a big sin!
412
00:18:14,086 --> 00:18:16,505
Ugh.
I never read the Bible.
413
00:18:19,642 --> 00:18:21,142
(man speaking Chinese inside)
414
00:18:22,345 --> 00:18:24,896
(man speaking Chinese)
415
00:18:40,613 --> 00:18:43,698
Hey, it's that guy again.
I want my data back, you
416
00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:46,001
cyberterrorists.
I want my food back.
417
00:18:46,118 --> 00:18:49,671
Never.
(Taco yells)
418
00:18:49,789 --> 00:18:57,546
There's no free food here. It's not a
homeless shelter, you bad boy! Go there.
419
00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,798
(Taco gasps)
The database!
420
00:18:59,932 --> 00:19:04,803
Ha-ha! Yes, my Eskimo brothers are safe.
(Taco laughs)
421
00:19:04,937 --> 00:19:06,972
Oh.
I don't know.
422
00:19:07,106 --> 00:19:13,445
The punk-- he vanished. Guess I'm
gonna be in here for a while. Ooh.
423
00:19:13,563 --> 00:19:17,315
Dumpster Ding Dong.
Best day ever.
424
00:19:19,738 --> 00:19:22,106
So in your mind, the right
move was to take a frozen
425
00:19:22,274 --> 00:19:25,287
poo-poo kitty and put it on your
priest's face?
426
00:19:25,407 --> 00:19:27,291
It was more like a boo-boo
shitty.
427
00:19:27,409 --> 00:19:29,710
Enough. You're embarrassed
by your crapsicles? Stop.
428
00:19:29,828 --> 00:19:30,744
Right.
Shit pops.
429
00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:34,465
Stop. Guys... does this
say "professional?" No.
430
00:19:34,582 --> 00:19:35,966
No.
You're right-- this does.
431
00:19:36,084 --> 00:19:37,918
That's the one.
Where is Taco?
432
00:19:38,053 --> 00:19:39,553
He should be home with Ellie
by now.
433
00:19:39,671 --> 00:19:41,338
I don't know.
Bonjour, mes amis.
434
00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:42,840
Hey, Penny.
Hi.
435
00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:47,094
Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
Milady is ready for her
436
00:19:47,228 --> 00:19:53,100
close-up. Come, Milady, come, come,
Milady-- here he is. (meows)
437
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:56,737
Oh, wow.
Wow.
438
00:19:56,855 --> 00:20:00,691
What did... What did you do?
What did you do?
439
00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:02,826
Did you tattoo her?
Yeah, that... I thought
440
00:20:02,944 --> 00:20:04,862
that's what you wanted.
You nailed it.
441
00:20:04,996 --> 00:20:06,997
That's some cattitude.
Why would you do this?
442
00:20:07,115 --> 00:20:08,999
I'm so confused right now.
Here's something you won't be
443
00:20:09,117 --> 00:20:11,785
confused about: I'm a master
reviewer on Yelp, and no one
444
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,837
will be soliciting your business
anytime soon.
445
00:20:13,955 --> 00:20:15,839
I didn't get that gold star for
nothing.
446
00:20:15,957 --> 00:20:18,959
Milady, Milady!
Wow.
447
00:20:19,094 --> 00:20:21,094
Okay, I-I am so sorry.
I thought this is what Andre
448
00:20:21,129 --> 00:20:23,714
wanted.
Look, you're a great girl,
449
00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:28,102
but this was a phenomenal prank.
Wait, je suis tr?s confuse.
450
00:20:28,219 --> 00:20:30,854
You... Are you saying that you
chose a prank over me?
451
00:20:30,972 --> 00:20:33,390
Sometimes you come to a spork
in the road.
452
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:37,027
Tatanard! I don't think that means
anything. Yeah, well, you know what
453
00:20:37,145 --> 00:20:38,312
this means.
Whoa.
454
00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:40,314
Au revoir.
Au revoir, you dick!
455
00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:42,448
You're my hero, buddy.
All right, I got to get some
456
00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:44,151
pictures of that cat.
Get it.
457
00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:46,153
Oh, I, uh...
Hey.
458
00:20:46,287 --> 00:20:48,327
Fa-Father Muldoon! Wow!
I had to drive your daughter
459
00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:51,125
home because her uncle neglected
to pick her up.
460
00:20:51,242 --> 00:20:53,460
I... I-I apologize.
My brother Taco can be a little
461
00:20:53,578 --> 00:20:56,130
bit flaky.
You also broke your promise
462
00:20:56,247 --> 00:20:58,382
about coming to Mass, Kevin.
I-I was a little nervous
463
00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:00,751
that you were gonna try to get
me back by replacing the
464
00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:03,721
communion wafer with, uh...
you know, stuff?
465
00:21:03,838 --> 00:21:06,173
You know I can't lie to your
daughter, if she asks if her
466
00:21:06,341 --> 00:21:08,675
parents are going to Hell.
We're not going to Hell.
467
00:21:08,843 --> 00:21:11,178
No.
We're law-abiding Catholics.
468
00:21:11,346 --> 00:21:17,351
Really? I... also hear that you worship
a pagan idol called "Shiva"? They do!
469
00:21:17,519 --> 00:21:20,020
No, we are in a fantasy
football league, and the
470
00:21:20,155 --> 00:21:21,855
trophy's called the Shiva.
You know what?
471
00:21:21,990 --> 00:21:23,524
Let me just show it to you.
It's right over here.
472
00:21:23,658 --> 00:21:25,192
It's so innocent.
Come see.
473
00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:26,321
The trophy's right in here.
Right this way, Father.
474
00:21:26,441 --> 00:21:28,329
Oh, God!
Oh, my God!
475
00:21:28,449 --> 00:21:30,362
Taco, you were supposed to
pick up Ellie.
476
00:21:30,450 --> 00:21:33,357
Well, I couldn't because the
goddamn Chinese were chasing me.
477
00:21:33,477 --> 00:21:37,181
But I got away, and guess what I
found...
Ta-da!
478
00:21:37,301 --> 00:21:39,719
(Taco laughs)
Now no one's ever gonna find out
479
00:21:39,853 --> 00:21:42,638
that you let a homeless person
jerk off to you having sex!
480
00:21:42,773 --> 00:21:45,525
No, no!
Jenny, don't worry, no one's
481
00:21:45,642 --> 00:21:47,642
going to know that you had sex
with another woman--
482
00:21:47,644 --> 00:21:49,612
No, Taco!
Your secrets are safe!
483
00:21:49,730 --> 00:21:51,731
Jesus Christ, that was close!
Taco!
484
00:21:51,865 --> 00:21:54,400
Father, I'm so sorry.
The completely innocent trophy
485
00:21:54,535 --> 00:21:56,452
that we're looking for is in the
cabinet.
486
00:21:56,570 --> 00:21:59,155
Just... please.
Hmm?
487
00:21:59,289 --> 00:22:01,040
(cat yowls)
Aah! Dear God!
488
00:22:01,158 --> 00:22:02,992
(all yelling, cat screeching)
Oh, my God!
489
00:22:03,127 --> 00:22:04,577
Pull the cat off!
No, cat...!
490
00:22:04,712 --> 00:22:08,331
(Muldoon grunting)
(Muldoon gasping)
491
00:22:08,465 --> 00:22:10,883
Oh, no...
Are you okay?
492
00:22:11,001 --> 00:22:13,052
You're going to Hell!
All of you!
493
00:22:13,170 --> 00:22:16,639
You're going to Hell!
I try to tell them.
494
00:22:16,757 --> 00:22:20,676
You're all fornicators!
Fornicators!
495
00:22:20,811 --> 00:22:25,898
Not every day. That cat scratched the
shit out of Father Muldoon. For real.
496
00:22:26,016 --> 00:22:27,850
Usually the pussy's only
furious at Andre.
497
00:22:28,018 --> 00:22:28,819
(laughing, shouting)
498
00:22:28,938 --> 00:22:39,536
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
499
00:22:39,586 --> 00:22:44,136
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
41706
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