Original subtitles

JENNY: Peace be with you. KEVIN: And also with you.

ANDRE: You guys getting, uh, pretty religious, huh?

No, we just dropped the kids off at Sunday school.

Yeah, we think it's nice for them to get a moral boost that

they may not be receiving at home.

And we get to watch football with no kids around.

PETE: Wait, aren't you supposed to be in church while

the kids are at Sunday school? I don't think they check.

No, it's not like it's a commandment.

TACO: Taco Corp is in a state of emergency.

The EBDB's been compromised. A brute force attack by the

Chinese crashed the EBDB and left it vulnerable to hackers

breaking in through the back door.

What are you talking about? Last night I was driving the

EBDB van and I got into an accident with the delivery guy

from the Chinese market. After that, the back door

wouldn't close right. And in the middle of the night,

someone broke into the van and stole my Walkman.

So what? On that tape was a recording

of me reading the entire Eskimo Brothers Database.

Ooh... Scandal.

This never would've happened before Mark from Cuba took over

the company. You know what I think?

The Chinese are in bed with the Cubans.

Sounds like we're on the verge of a Mark Cuban missile crisis. Yeah. Yeah.

Ooh! Oh.

(cat meows) Oh!

Oh, my... Rat! Kill it!

No, this is not a rat. This is Milady.

Milady? I rescued her.

And in many respects, I think she rescued me.

Now let's get you some kibble. Isn't that right? Come on. Yes.

Ew! God, Andre. Oh, boy.

Oh, my God, this is... It's like it's too easy.

Oh, wow. I know.

We could literally sit here all day long and make jokes

about how Andre's finally getting some...

No, no, no, no, no, no. We got to challenge ourselves,

Pete. Oh, come on. It's such

low-hanging pussy fruit. Look, we could still make the

jokes-- we just omit the word. Okay, first person to break

and make a pussy joke has to give up their best running back.

Wow. Ooh, that has some teeth.

I like that. I like that, too.

All right, we're doing this. As league commissioner, I

sanction this bet. Yeah?

Let's shake on it. Yeah.

Come on. Yeah, it figures, Andre

finally gets some pussy and it's dirty and hairy from the street.

What is that? You can't do that.

I didn't shake on it yet. I got one. Uh, Andre... Aw... It's official.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

You know, it's probably just stress-related.

I'm the current champ in my fantasy football league.

A lot of pressure to repeat. Well, you definitely have

some blockage, and it can be a lot of things.

It could be diverticulitis or just a sluggish bowel, so I'm

gonna need a stool sample from you.

What? Ew. Okay.

No. Oh. That's my coffee.

Oh. No, I'm gonna get you a kit.

And over the next several days, you're going to deposit your

fecal matter in it. It's like a yogurt spoon.

And it can be used that way but, for this, feces.

Put 'em in the blue bags, one per day.

You tie it up and you put it in the freezer.

Then in three days... I'm sorry, I put it in the

freezer? You can put it in the back so

you don't get confused. And then, in three days, just

come back to the office and we'll check it out.

All right, well, thanks for being really cool about this and

not laughing at me. Why would I laugh?

You're making me poop in a bag.

Poop's not funny. Poop actually put my three kids

through college. Where did they go?

Brown University? My youngest did.

(laughing): Really? I've recently come into some

money, so I'm looking for a place to live.

Oh, so you're still at your old place?

Old place...? My place.

Oh. Mon Dieu. Hey, hey.

Andre, this is, uh, my friend Penny.

Hello. How are you? Andre is a plastic surgeon here. Number one in Chicago.

Okay, there's that, yeah. Penny runs this really cool kind

of pet grooming company, so... Pet grooming, that's such a

growth market. I love it.

Oh, thank you. I'm-I'm really excited because

it's brand-new and it's, like, got some edge to it.

Okay. You know, for pets with attitude, there is "Cattitude." I love it.

I loved it, too. Yeah!

I still don't get it. You gotta get a cat an

attitude. Oh, speaking of, I have to go

pick up my new business cards. Okeydokey.

So, um, it was so great meeting you guys.

Um... ? tout ? l'heure. Au revoir.

What? Is she French?

Uh, no. Is she Canadian?

No. Cajun?

No, she, um... she just thinks, you know, speaking in

French is classy, so... In my experience, people that

use the word "classy" are rarely ever classy.

Yeah, it's a paradox. Like Schrodinger's cat.

What's Schrodinger's cat? All right, there's a box and

inside that box there's a cat, but you don't know if it's alive

or dead. But if you open the box, you kill the cat. Well, in my experience,

keeping the box closed kills the cat.

It's another paradox. No, I know the cat's dead.

It stops moving. All right, don't... Please.

Oh, I should ask Penny for help.

ChiTown Style's doing a, uh... a piece on professionals and

their pets, and I'm gonna do a little spread with Milady.

Okay, so you're doing a spread for camera, and you're

gonna show your... Milady? Yeah!

You got to make sure it's nice and trim.

I mean, this isn't the late '70s anymore.

You don't want some wild, hairy, crazy... feline.

No. Oh, my God. No way.

When the hair's all over the place, it makes her look way

older. Well, you know what a lot of

people are doing now, they're just waxing their-their

Miladies. I don't think that the cat

would stand for that. It's pretty painful.

There are a lot of hairless cats though, I noticed.

I don't want a hairless Milady.

I like a little bit of fur there just so I can kind of get lost

in it when I touch it. Oh, that reminds me, can I shoot

this at your house? Why?

Well, 'cause you have that place set and if this works out

as good as I think it will, you might have a centerfold of me

playing with Milady on your front lawn.

Great. Wow.

Oh, my gosh, it's, uh, Devin from my spin class.

I want to talk to you about that mix I sent you.

Okay, look, you have an opportunity to pull an

unbelievable prank on Andre. What are you talking about?

Just tell Penny that Andre wants Milady groomed with a ton

of cattitude. I mean, cattitude for days.

That way when she's done, Milady will look as ridiculous as

Andre. Oh, this is brilliant.

Yeah. This is huge.

Guys, I know we're not allowed to make pussy jokes

about Andre's cat, but can we at least make jokes about Andre's

cat's actual vagina? I got a good look at it, and it

is disgusting. Looks like Jabba the Hutt's eye.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

All right, I'm just gonna tuck you right in there.

Cover you with vegetables... and a bogey.

Yeah. Great. I have built myself a little

feces fort. Oh, my God, you scared me.

Hey. You and Daddy are sinners.

Who told you that? You worship false idols.

I learned about it in Sunday school.

We don't worship false idols. What about this?

(chuckles) That is the Shiva. Then destroy the Shiva.

What?! You watch your mouth, lady.

See? Sinners! Enjoy your eternity in Hell!

Ugh, I'm already there. Sinner!

(chuckles) She's crazy. She directly takes after your

mother. Ignore her like you do my mom. How was that doctor's

appointment the other day? You know, it was great.

Everything good? Yeah. Everything is great.

Ooh. Ew, peas.

Ew... Ooh, pizza bites!

Pizza bites. (sighs)

These are really weird requests.

Are you sure he wants his cat to look like this for the photo

shoot? Have you met Andre?

Yeah, you're right. That's a stupid question.

All right, good. I'm just really nervous

because this is a big opportunity for me because Andre

said that if he loves my work, he's gonna recommend me to all

of his clients. And you know those ladies perm

their poodles on a regular basis.

Oh, so this is big? Oui. Tr?s masse.

And you were so nice to set this up for me that I really want to

do something nice for you. I... I was not nice.

I would've done it for anybody. That's fine. Fine.

No, you are helping turn Cattitude from this dream I had

at Burning Man to a reality. Mmm.

(Penny moaning) Mmm. Okay.

(Pete groans quietly)

I got that pickup game tonight for basketball.

You want to come? Mm, I can't.

Penny is taking me out for a special celebratory dinner to

thank me for getting her the Andre job.

So, how's the prank coming along?

Yeah. To be honest, I'm feeling a little conflicted about the prank.

There's, like, feelings to consider, and...

What?! Look, Andre is gonna be super

pissed when he finds out about the prank, okay?

Yeah. And Penny's just having her

business starting out, and you know how huge Andre's presence

is on Yelp. Yeah, he gave me a two-star

review of Pubercuts. That almost killed me.

He's gonna neg her business to death, and then Penny and I

are just gonna be... (makes cutting noise)

Maybe. Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

Maybe? Oh... But it's still funny as balls. Yeah. Super funny, so, you

have to... you have to do it. Yeah. You have to do it.

What do you mean, I have...? I don't have to do anything.

Yes, you do. You have to do the prank.

We thought of a great prank, and now it has to be done.

Look at this. Text from Penny.

"OMG. So excited for tonight, mon cher."

She's so excited! Yes!

Yes, but she does that annoying French thing.

Look, you are this league's historian.

You want people looking back and saying, "Oh, in 2014, I think

Pete dated a girl for a couple months", or "In 2014, Pete

Eckhart pulled off the greatest prank of all time"?

Yes, because he did that messed up thing to Andre's...

Aah! No. I didn't say it.

I didn't say it. You were on the cliff.

You almost did. No, I didn't even hit the first "S." Hey...

look who made it. Father Muldoon, how are you?

Hey, your, uh, your daughter Ellie-- she's doing

great, really taking to the scripture.

Oh, we've-we've noticed. It's a great opportunity,

'cause it lets you guys come to Mass.

It's been a really great experience for all of us.

Hey, where were you guys last Sunday?

I was looking for you. We were, like, right by

the... the stained glass. Which one?

The one with the woman kissing the little kid...

The baby Jesus. That's a baby?

Listen, I'm just, uh, glad you guys are getting in there.

It's nice. Yeah, I know-- it's just a

great experience for our whole family, you know, because Ellie

gets to go to the daycare, we get to go to Mass.

Sunday school. Yes.

It's not a baby-sitting service, it's a Sunday school.

It's the Lord's daycare, because he's a shepherd, watches

over the sheep with all... You boys are ready?

Oh. Yeah, let's do this. It's game time. Let's go.

You guys ready? Yup.

Stretch it out, come on. Come on, let's do this.

Try to keep up, padre. Come on, bringing that... Oh!

Come on. Oh, oh. Come on, geez.

Oh, yeah, and the Lord said "Let there be net!"

Uh, uh, uh, uh, mm. Ow!

Oh, yeah. What?

Go, go, go! No, you got it, you got it!

Yeah! All in your face. You like that? You like that?

Oh, yeah! He fouled me, man.

Jesus Christ! Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

Sorry. Sorry. Ball, ball. Hit it.

Deliver us from... evil. Oh! Oh, my...!

Yeah! Yeah! What the hell?!

Shoot quicker! He's fouling me every time!

Yeah. What? Huh? What? Huh? (Kevin groans)

Oh, yeah. No.

Uh... Ah! Holy Trinity! Boom shakalaka.

(makes kissing sounds)

Oh, God! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

No. Foul, man. Foul. Huh?

You keep pushing everyone. I preach hard, I play hard.

You got a problem with that? No... Father.

Huh? That's what I thought. Whoo! Come on!

God. Oh, look at this shiner that this priest gave me in basketball.

Guy's out of his mind. He's fouling like crazy.

Well, the heavenly fouler works in mysterious ways.

No, no. You know what? I don't care what the guy does

for a living. You get up in his face, and you yell. He's right.

I can't. Not only is the guy my priest, but he's also my free

daycare, so, show some respect. Hey, is Penny gonna be ready

tomorrow, for me to drop off Milady?

Tomorrow? Tomorrow? That's really soon.

Well, the shoot is this weekend.

Yeah. Yeah, I just don't know if Penny's ready yet to make that call...

I'm sure her schedule's probably open.

Probably. I'll drop her off tomorrow.

Thank you. That'll be great.

You're all serious about false idols!

"Depart from me, ye cursed, into the eternal fire that I prepare

for the Devil and his angels." Matthew 25:41.

You know what? Depart from in front of the TV, cursed. Uncle Pete, 8:18 p.m.

Enough with this! Go to your room!

Go do homework or something productive.

You're all fornicators and sodomites!

Wow! The tiny televangelist is a real bummer.

She couldn't possibly know what those words mean.

Well, she did look at Andre when she said "sodomite."

I... Yeah, and she didn't look at

either of you guys when she said "fornicators."

Ha. Maybe this Sunday school daycare idea has bit us in the ass.

Yeah. Seems like you reap what you sow. Really? You dare to stand on

moral high ground? You, who outsourced your team?

What does that have to do with anything?

What? Because you cheated, Andre.

You cheated us, and you cheated Shiva.

Oh, I did not cheat Shiva. Yeah. You owe us and Shiva

ten Hail Shivas. Right. Right now.

I'm not doing that. No.

Do you want to win this year, Andre?

Okay, fine. Twenty!

(Andre sighs) Oh, hail Shiva, full of

grace, my roster is with thee. Oh, hail Shiva. Oh, hail Shiva.

Oh, hail Shiva. ALL: Oh, hail Shiva!

Oh, hail Shiva. Oh, hail Shiva.

Oh, hail Shiva. Oh, hail Shiva!

Oh, hail Shiva! Oh, hail Shiva...!

Yes, hail Shiva. Uh, gentlemen, I've come to a

very difficult decision. The EBDB's very sensitive data

has been compromised by the Chinese, so, I've decided to

inform all of my clients that their private information has

been exposed. So, Pete, the world may find out

that you are Eskimo brothers, through Gina Gibiatti, with Sisqo. Who?

"Thong Song." Yeah!

No! And Kevin, through your

joyless humping with Jenny last week, you are now connected to Rafi. What?

He was watching through the window while masturbating.

Ew. Aw. Aw. Oh, my God.

And Jenny, the world may find out that you and I are Eskimo

sisters. Excuse me.

Yeah, I slept with a girl that Jenny slept with in college. What?!

Ooh. Becky.

Oh. Mm.

Oh! Okay, wait.

Should we get Ellie? She might have something to say.

Ellie? Ellie, come in here. No. No.

No, no, no. No, no. No, no. What? No?

What happened? Okay, my field hockey team--

we were on the road, our bus broke down, they put us up at a

janky Days Inn, they stuck us two in a room, and Becky

and I... This is like a Cinemax movie.

Hold on, I've got to get Ruxin on Facetime. He's...

No. No, no, no, he already knows.

I e-mailed him. What? No, no. I...

I cannot believe this! No! It was like a team

trust-building exercise. Come on!

Guys, I'm so sorry this information has leaked.

Wish there was something I could have done to avoid it.

Are you kidding me?! Yeah. I'm...

Are you kidding me? In front of everybody over

there, I have to find this out?! It's kind of hot.

(Kevin sighs) No more secrets, okay?

Okay, no more secrets. God.

(Kevin sighs) No more secrets.

Okay. What? Is it bad?

It's not great. All right, so, who's my Eskimo brother or sister? You're good.

What do you mean I'm good? I'm good?

You're good. Check out, like, a really embarrassing one, like, John Tesh?

No. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. It's just, I've had a really

shitty day. Just shit after shit after shit!

It's a real shitty day for you.

Or, like, somebody from, uh, 2 Live Crew.

No. This feels great, though.

Ow! Ellie?

Oh, my God. Ow! Ow!

Are you okay? Are you okay? What?

Yeah, the stupid idol fell on my head.

Oh, honey. Okay, baby, here, put this on

your head, go ahead. Ah, no. You know, let me get

you a Boo-Boo Kitty. No, this is fine.

Yeah, leave that on there. Okay, you know what?

Shiva's gonna go in the garage. Just until this phase passes.

Yeah, let's put the Sacko in there for consistency, too.

Uh, no. Nope.

Not happening. No way.

You know what, babe? I think you're good.

No, no, no, got to leave this on.

Ice helps with the swelling. Ew!

I, uh, I kind of love football.

We should totally watch football together.

Um... okay. Yeah.

Aah! God... What do you think? Wow, I l... I love it, I wish

it was a little less. Oh, like a little less?

Still less, I think. What about nothing?

Nothing's good. Very good.

Can't tell with these two hats-- do I want to get laid

or do I want to get paid. Is there another option?

Both. But you made all this from scratch? I learned to cook in

Provence. Well, I learned to eat in Chicago. Bon app?tit.

Oh, my God, that's good. Wait 16 minutes.

All right, I'm not waiting 16 minutes, no, no.

No, but, but... It's not hummus with chickpeas, it's hummus with... Oh, wow.

Salmon roe. Now, take this in.

It's crab bladder... (gagging)

...and algae. No, no, no, no.

The gagging's normal-- you're supposed to taste it twice.

Ooh. Shiva, give me guidance, please. (phone rings)

Hey, I was just thinking about you.

Aw! I was thinking about you, too.

So I got off early. Voulez-vous manger avec moi?

Sure. Well, just think about what you want to do. Yeah, I'm thinking about it.

Pick him up, you got him. Aw, yeah.

What? Yeah!

Dude, play some defense. The guy is a lunatic, man.

He fouls all the time. Leave me alone.

Man up. Fine.

Pick him up, go. (Muldoon groans)

Oh! Foul, foul.

What is wrong with you? Hey, hey, it was an accident,

okay? You've been playing like that the whole time. I'm a man of God.

All right, you... I-I'm sorry, you're right, Father.

Um, I have an ice pack, I will get it for you.

A little warm, but it should work.

(Muldoon groans) I'm sorry, Father, I...

Got to watch those elbows-- it's crazy.

My emotions got the best of me.

Are you okay? It's okay, it's fine, it's fine, I'm fine. Okay.

(Muldoon exhales) (Muldoon sniffs)

Oh, my God. What is this?

What...? Oh I... I think that's shit.

This is shit? Oh... Excrement, e-excrement.

You threw a bag of shit at me?

No, no, no, no, that's not my shit-- I don't know whose shit

that is. Father, I am so sorry.

I-I... I will never miss Mass again.

Is this a sin? Yes, yes, it's a sin.

"Throw shit into a priest's face" is a big sin!

Ugh. I never read the Bible.

(man speaking Chinese inside)

(man speaking Chinese)

Hey, it's that guy again. I want my data back, you

cyberterrorists. I want my food back.

Never. (Taco yells)

There's no free food here. It's not a homeless shelter, you bad boy! Go there.

(Taco gasps) The database!

Ha-ha! Yes, my Eskimo brothers are safe. (Taco laughs)

Oh. I don't know.

The punk-- he vanished. Guess I'm gonna be in here for a while. Ooh.

Dumpster Ding Dong. Best day ever.

So in your mind, the right move was to take a frozen

poo-poo kitty and put it on your priest's face?

It was more like a boo-boo shitty.

Enough. You're embarrassed by your crapsicles? Stop.

Right. Shit pops.

Stop. Guys... does this say "professional?" No.

No. You're right-- this does.

That's the one. Where is Taco?

He should be home with Ellie by now.

I don't know. Bonjour, mes amis.

Hey, Penny. Hi.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited. Milady is ready for her

close-up. Come, Milady, come, come, Milady-- here he is. (meows)

Oh, wow. Wow.

What did... What did you do? What did you do?

Did you tattoo her? Yeah, that... I thought

that's what you wanted. You nailed it.

That's some cattitude. Why would you do this?

I'm so confused right now. Here's something you won't be

confused about: I'm a master reviewer on Yelp, and no one

will be soliciting your business anytime soon.

I didn't get that gold star for nothing.

Milady, Milady! Wow.

Okay, I-I am so sorry. I thought this is what Andre

wanted. Look, you're a great girl,

but this was a phenomenal prank. Wait, je suis tr?s confuse.

You... Are you saying that you chose a prank over me?

Sometimes you come to a spork in the road.

Tatanard! I don't think that means anything. Yeah, well, you know what

this means. Whoa.

Au revoir. Au revoir, you dick!

You're my hero, buddy. All right, I got to get some

pictures of that cat. Get it.

Oh, I, uh... Hey.

Fa-Father Muldoon! Wow! I had to drive your daughter

home because her uncle neglected to pick her up.

I... I-I apologize. My brother Taco can be a little

bit flaky. You also broke your promise

about coming to Mass, Kevin. I-I was a little nervous

that you were gonna try to get me back by replacing the

communion wafer with, uh... you know, stuff?

You know I can't lie to your daughter, if she asks if her

parents are going to Hell. We're not going to Hell.

No. We're law-abiding Catholics.

Really? I... also hear that you worship a pagan idol called "Shiva"? They do!

No, we are in a fantasy football league, and the

trophy's called the Shiva. You know what?

Let me just show it to you. It's right over here.

It's so innocent. Come see.

The trophy's right in here. Right this way, Father.

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

Taco, you were supposed to pick up Ellie.

Well, I couldn't because the goddamn Chinese were chasing me.

But I got away, and guess what I found... Ta-da!

(Taco laughs) Now no one's ever gonna find out

that you let a homeless person jerk off to you having sex!

No, no! Jenny, don't worry, no one's

going to know that you had sex with another woman--

No, Taco! Your secrets are safe!

Jesus Christ, that was close! Taco!

Father, I'm so sorry. The completely innocent trophy

that we're looking for is in the cabinet.

Just... please. Hmm?

(cat yowls) Aah! Dear God!

(all yelling, cat screeching) Oh, my God!

Pull the cat off! No, cat...!

(Muldoon grunting) (Muldoon gasping)

Oh, no... Are you okay?

You're going to Hell! All of you!

You're going to Hell! I try to tell them.

You're all fornicators! Fornicators!

Not every day. That cat scratched the shit out of Father Muldoon. For real.

Usually the pussy's only furious at Andre.

(laughing, shouting)

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0