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Welcome back to our continuing
coverage of the 2014
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00:00:04,852 --> 00:00:07,737
scoungbine here at Lucas Oil
Stadium in Indianapolis.
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I'm Rich Eisen.
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00:00:09,056 --> 00:00:11,524
We've got a lot of potential
first-rounders out there today,
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00:00:11,692 --> 00:00:15,195
and then it looks like someone has
seen Rudy one too many times.
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Kevin MacArthur,
five foot eleven.
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Weight, 160 pounds, but that looks
like it could be about 100
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chicken parms ago.
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He's probably pushing a buck 80,
and sources tell us ten pounds
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00:00:25,636 --> 00:00:27,420
that could be back hair.
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00:00:27,588 --> 00:00:28,548
KEVIN: Carlos Hyde, huh?
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00:00:28,639 --> 00:00:30,119
Hey, man, we could
be combine buddies.
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00:00:30,140 --> 00:00:32,008
There's no buddies
at the combine.
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00:00:32,142 --> 00:00:33,426
Ha, Mike Evans.
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00:00:33,594 --> 00:00:35,678
Hey, what say you draft me in
your fantasy draft and I'll
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00:00:35,813 --> 00:00:36,734
draft you in mine, huh?
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00:00:36,847 --> 00:00:37,730
No, I don't think so.
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00:00:37,823 --> 00:00:38,343
Why not, man?
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I'm a sleeper.
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Nobody sleeps that deep.
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I'm a little busy.
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What? Whoa!
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Oh, good thing you caught that.
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00:00:43,737 --> 00:00:45,104
Ready... oh.
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Here's Mike Evans running the
gauntlet, showing off the ball
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00:00:47,608 --> 00:00:51,444
skills that should get him drafted
in the top ten this year.
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Oh... ow.
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And then there's that.
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00:00:54,748 --> 00:00:57,917
MacArthur, swatting at the ball like
a baboon sitting on a hornet's nest.
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Oh! Ow.
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00:00:59,036 --> 00:00:59,919
Aah!
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Now, it's hard to tell how his
game will project to the NFL
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level, but one must assume that
once the helmet goes on, he
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00:01:05,008 --> 00:01:07,360
won't be able to catch as
many balls with his face.
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00:01:07,494 --> 00:01:09,128
God, one got me
right in the taint.
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Some players come out too early... and
some should never come out at all.
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There we go, here we go.
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(Kevin shrieks)
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Just pick... Just pick it up.
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I can't, I can't, I can't.
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You got to help me.
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(Kevin grunts, snorts)
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Oh!
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It's all right, Daddy's got you.
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That counts as one.
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He's a tweener for sure.
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Somewhere between
mediocre and irrelevant.
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(Kevin shouts)
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Oh, God.
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All right.
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All right, switch it.
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No. No, no.
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Please don't do this.
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(Kevin squeaks)
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All right, okay.
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You got me that time.
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Let's run it again.
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What you got, little man?
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No-- Stephon Tuitt.
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Come on No, no, I don't want to.
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Pick up the pad, little man.
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I'm not doing it.
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Pick it up.
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I'm not doing it!
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Get back here.
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Oh, my God, he's so big!
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He's so big!
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Stop it!
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I'm told Kevin is also a lawyer,
although from where I'm standing...
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(shrieks): No!
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00:02:00,147 --> 00:02:02,848
...his skill set doesn't appear to
translate into any discernable position.
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No! No, don't do it, no!
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Here... or in the legal world.
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I'm dying here, Eisen.
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Why are you even here right now?
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Go home.
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You're terrible.
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Boo.
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ALL: Sacko, Sacko... Sacko.
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No.
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...Sacko, Sacko, Sacko...
And we have urine.
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That's a combine first.
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(whining): No...
(Kevin exclaims)
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Oh.
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Oh, God, I had the worst dream.
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JENNY: Go back to bed, Sacko.
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Oh, my life is worse
than my nightmare.
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Is the bed wet?
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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Your champion wants to tell
you all about the 2014 league
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draft plan. I am thinking an extravagant
dinner. We are going to do one course
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00:02:54,568 --> 00:02:57,403
per round.
All on my dime.
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00:02:57,571 --> 00:03:00,740
So put it down in your
calendars-- August 23rd, okay?
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00:03:00,907 --> 00:03:02,792
Oh, what's that-- I'm sorry, you
don't have calendars?
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00:03:02,909 --> 00:03:04,744
Oh, let me help you with that.
Whoa.
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00:03:04,911 --> 00:03:06,245
Oh!
You made calendars?
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Calendars. RUXIN: That's a pretty hot move.
ANDRE: Did you hire a
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professional photographer?
I did.
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00:03:11,418 --> 00:03:13,886
PETE: Looks like we finally
found somebody to satisfy Jenny
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00:03:14,004 --> 00:03:15,921
in the bedroom.
Wh-What is this one?
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00:03:16,089 --> 00:03:17,923
Why is October this picture?
I don't want this picture out
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00:03:18,091 --> 00:03:22,228
there. This is borderline
Sacktual harassment. I disagree.
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00:03:22,346 --> 00:03:24,563
I'd say this borders more on
domestic Sacktual abuse.
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00:03:24,681 --> 00:03:27,183
Oh, no, no, no, guys.
There's absolutely no Sacktual
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abuse happening here.
Ho, ho.
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00:03:29,353 --> 00:03:31,237
You had coffee mugs up?
Wow.
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00:03:31,355 --> 00:03:33,322
Mm-hmm.
To commemorate this wonderful
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moment, I have actually decided to
officially change my team name. Really?
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00:03:37,444 --> 00:03:40,162
I am no longer going to be
Pete Top, Kevin Bottom.
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00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,281
I am now gonna be Jenny Top,
Kevin Bottom.
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00:03:42,416 --> 00:03:44,283
That doesn't bother me--
that's my favorite position.
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00:03:44,418 --> 00:03:49,288
Well, the other option was gonna be
Andre 3,000 Dingers in His Face. Oh.
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(laughs)
That's good, that's good.
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00:03:52,259 --> 00:03:54,960
I like how you do thing where it
sounds like a joke but there's
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00:03:55,095 --> 00:03:57,380
no actual punch line.
Anyway, can't waste time with
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you guys, I have to get to my
office-- I have a little pre-op
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conversation with the mayor's
wife.
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00:04:01,518 --> 00:04:03,769
Ooh, what's she having done?
Can't say, but let's just say
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00:04:03,887 --> 00:04:07,139
it involves me going downtown.
All right, later, losers.
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00:04:07,274 --> 00:04:10,643
What the hell was that?
I don't like successful,
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00:04:10,777 --> 00:04:13,279
confident Andre.
Yeah, it's as if he looked at
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us with complete disdain.
I know that look.
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00:04:15,399 --> 00:04:17,359
That's the look that I give you
guys all the time.
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00:04:17,401 --> 00:04:19,285
TACO: Hey, Sacko, can I
borrow these?
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00:04:19,403 --> 00:04:21,320
No.
It's not your decision.
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00:04:21,455 --> 00:04:23,489
You gonna play some golf?
Yeah, love golf.
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00:04:23,623 --> 00:04:26,158
It's such a great way to unwind
after a long eight-hour work
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00:04:26,293 --> 00:04:28,494
week.
Where do you play golf?
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00:04:28,662 --> 00:04:31,881
All or the place.
You guys want to play?
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00:04:31,998 --> 00:04:35,835
(BOTH): Sure.
It's a dogleg right.
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It's 240 yards.
(whistles)
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00:04:38,472 --> 00:04:40,339
Oh, yeah, got all of that one.
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00:04:40,474 --> 00:04:42,341
(whoops)
Nice one, Taco.
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00:04:42,476 --> 00:04:44,677
Street golf, not so bad.
Yeah, you don't even have to
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00:04:44,811 --> 00:04:46,929
worry about a tee time this way.
Yeah, none of that country
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00:04:47,064 --> 00:04:49,231
club attitude.
As low-rent as this is, it
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00:04:49,349 --> 00:04:52,017
does maintain the basic function
of golf, which is to get away
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00:04:52,185 --> 00:04:54,019
from your wife and children.
Next hole?
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00:04:54,187 --> 00:04:56,707
I'm happy with my long game, but
my short game's in the shitter.
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00:04:56,823 --> 00:04:58,691
You know, one thing I did
notice is that, uh, you tend to
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00:04:58,825 --> 00:05:00,693
take your eye off the ball at
that very last second.
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00:05:00,827 --> 00:05:04,196
Oh, really? Yeah, you could follow
through on that and do a little better.
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00:05:04,331 --> 00:05:07,199
Oh, okay, I'll work on that.
Yeah, whoo!
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00:05:07,334 --> 00:05:09,251
Birdie!
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00:05:12,289 --> 00:05:15,374
Aw.
Sliced it.
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00:05:15,542 --> 00:05:18,711
Excuse us, playing through.
Pardon us, sorry, guys.
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00:05:18,879 --> 00:05:23,215
Excuse us. I might take a drop on this one.
Trying to find my ball.
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00:05:23,383 --> 00:05:25,551
Oh, it's in the rough.
Folks, I'm just gonna play
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00:05:25,685 --> 00:05:28,437
through real quick.
Um... you want to go play the
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00:05:28,555 --> 00:05:30,439
next hole?
Yeah, we should go.
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00:05:30,557 --> 00:05:33,943
Yeah. That one's on us, guys, thank you.
Thank you.
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00:05:34,060 --> 00:05:35,444
What are we gonna do about
Andre?
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00:05:35,562 --> 00:05:37,947
All of our beautifully timed,
well-crafted insults are
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00:05:38,064 --> 00:05:39,949
bouncing off him-- nothing is
sticking to him.
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00:05:40,066 --> 00:05:42,284
No, he's like Teflondre.
Ugh, Teflondre sucks.
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00:05:42,402 --> 00:05:44,487
Mm-hmm.
I feel like it's my job as
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00:05:44,621 --> 00:05:46,539
the Sacko commissioner to take
that guy down a notch.
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00:05:46,656 --> 00:05:48,541
What about Kevin?
Aren't we gonna do more Sacko
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00:05:48,658 --> 00:05:52,995
punishments? No, Jenny's doing a better
job than all of us could. An24-7.
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00:05:53,130 --> 00:05:54,797
Mmm.
You like me on top?
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00:05:54,915 --> 00:05:56,465
Mm-hmm, I do, it's my
favorite.
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00:05:56,583 --> 00:05:58,223
See-- Jenny Top, Kevin
Bottom, not so bad.
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00:05:58,335 --> 00:05:59,718
No, no, don't say it like that.
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00:05:59,836 --> 00:06:01,220
No?
No.
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00:06:01,338 --> 00:06:03,222
Do you want me to tickle your
Sacko?
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00:06:03,340 --> 00:06:06,342
No. Ye... No, no, just...
Hey, hey, hey, stop, stop, stop.
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00:06:06,476 --> 00:06:08,594
What? Oh...
Look, look, okay...
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00:06:08,728 --> 00:06:11,288
You can't belittle the Sacko all
day long and then expect my sack
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00:06:11,431 --> 00:06:14,150
to work at night.
Okay, tonight let's maybe try
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a little role reversal.
You be the champ.
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00:06:16,603 --> 00:06:18,487
Okay.
(soft chuckle)
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'Cause I am your sweet,
submissive... Sacko.
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00:06:22,943 --> 00:06:25,161
No!
No, don't say that.
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00:06:25,278 --> 00:06:29,165
Don't say what? The "S" word, don't...
Shiva or Sacko? Oh, either.
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Come on.
What?
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This is domestic Sacktual abuse.
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Well, what am I supposed to
do-- stop being so goddamn good?
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I'm never gonna get any.
All right, another mock draft
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00:06:42,462 --> 00:06:44,847
done.
Ruxin is looking good, getting
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00:06:44,965 --> 00:06:49,635
ready for the real draft.
Ooh, it's gonna be a fun season.
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00:06:49,803 --> 00:06:54,106
What's this now? Guess I must have joined
a league by accident. Here, cancel.
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00:06:54,224 --> 00:06:56,725
Hey, wait, what is this, now?
Another league wants a trade?
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00:06:56,860 --> 00:06:59,144
No.
No, no, no, no.
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00:06:59,312 --> 00:07:02,314
Romo... What-What, wait...
No, no, I don't want to make a
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00:07:02,482 --> 00:07:04,316
trade with you, so stop calling
me.
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00:07:04,484 --> 00:07:06,318
Good-bye.
What is going on with you?
187
00:07:06,486 --> 00:07:08,571
Who are you trading with?
I... I went to do some mock
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00:07:08,705 --> 00:07:12,241
drafts, and instead of taking me
to my team page, the stupid site
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00:07:12,375 --> 00:07:14,994
took me to one of these
randomized league-creating team
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00:07:15,161 --> 00:07:17,246
pages, and now I'm in some
leagues with some total stranger
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00:07:17,380 --> 00:07:19,632
idiots.
How many leagues are you in?
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00:07:19,749 --> 00:07:22,051
I'm in 12 leagues.
You did 12 mock drafts?
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00:07:22,168 --> 00:07:24,053
Yeah, I was doing them reps,
getting ready for the real
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00:07:24,170 --> 00:07:25,554
thing.
So if you're in 12 leagues,
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00:07:25,672 --> 00:07:27,592
let me ask you this: are you
cool in any of them?
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00:07:27,674 --> 00:07:29,091
Oh!
Oh!
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00:07:29,226 --> 00:07:30,593
From downtown.
Yeah.
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00:07:30,727 --> 00:07:32,595
Nice one, Andre.
I never realized that being
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00:07:32,729 --> 00:07:34,897
in a league with strangers would
actually be worse than a league
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00:07:35,015 --> 00:07:36,899
with people I truly hate.
I get it.
201
00:07:37,017 --> 00:07:39,685
I've been trying to jump out of
this Dumpster fire forever.
202
00:07:39,903 --> 00:07:42,104
Well, look who it is-- the
full buffet of sadness.
203
00:07:42,239 --> 00:07:44,356
Hello, Ted.
Ladies.
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00:07:44,524 --> 00:07:46,492
Jenny.
I don't have a lot of time.
205
00:07:46,610 --> 00:07:50,446
You see that building behind me?
That's city hall.
206
00:07:50,580 --> 00:07:52,615
You look very handsome, Ted.
Correct.
207
00:07:52,749 --> 00:07:55,200
I am on my way to an AIDS
Foundation charity event.
208
00:07:55,335 --> 00:07:57,419
Little bit of context I have for
you is...
209
00:07:57,537 --> 00:07:59,457
I'm receiving an award.
It wouldn't be the Shiva,
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00:07:59,539 --> 00:08:01,707
though, would it?
Because the Shiva is sitting
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00:08:01,841 --> 00:08:03,709
right here.
By the way, Jenny, if you
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00:08:03,877 --> 00:08:05,711
need help throwing your
extravaganza, I can get you a
213
00:08:05,879 --> 00:08:08,881
list of high-end chefs that'll...
Oh, oh, call me. No, no, no, no, no.
214
00:08:09,015 --> 00:08:10,549
We don't need any help.
Thank you, Ted.
215
00:08:10,684 --> 00:08:12,268
I would love that, thank you.
All right, just relax over
216
00:08:12,385 --> 00:08:14,270
there, Sacko.
I've called us all here today
217
00:08:14,387 --> 00:08:16,722
because this league needs some
changes.
218
00:08:16,856 --> 00:08:20,392
What I'm proposing is we add two
new members.
219
00:08:20,527 --> 00:08:24,063
We become a ten-team league.
That's interesting.
220
00:08:24,197 --> 00:08:26,231
No, we're and eight-team
league-- we always have been, we
221
00:08:26,366 --> 00:08:28,233
always will be.
I could leave.
222
00:08:28,368 --> 00:08:30,819
No, Taco, you need to stay,
because Kevin needs someone he
223
00:08:30,954 --> 00:08:32,905
thinks he can beat.
(all laugh)
224
00:08:33,073 --> 00:08:34,907
Where is this coming from?
Sounds to me like Kevin is
225
00:08:35,075 --> 00:08:36,942
the new Andre.
Am I hearing this correctly?
226
00:08:37,077 --> 00:08:38,460
Oh.
No, he's not.
227
00:08:38,578 --> 00:08:40,579
He's kind of right.
Kevin is the new Andre.
228
00:08:40,714 --> 00:08:42,581
Ha, ha.
I'm same old Kev.
229
00:08:42,716 --> 00:08:44,583
If the hat fits... oh!
Oh!
230
00:08:44,718 --> 00:08:46,135
Hey!
Yes.
231
00:08:46,252 --> 00:08:49,888
(laughs)
Hey there, new Dre, the only
232
00:08:50,006 --> 00:08:54,593
thing worse than AIDS is Dre.
(tires screech)
233
00:08:54,728 --> 00:08:56,979
Oh!
Whoa.
234
00:08:57,097 --> 00:08:59,682
Is he okay?
Oh, my God, he's not moving.
235
00:08:59,816 --> 00:09:03,936
Oh, my God, he's dead!
He's dead.
236
00:09:04,070 --> 00:09:07,439
And his last words were, "Kevin
is the new Andre."
237
00:09:07,574 --> 00:09:13,278
Well, at least he died doing
what he loved-- making fun of you, Kevin.
238
00:09:17,010 --> 00:09:19,021
Ugh, these guys are trolling
me now.
239
00:09:19,141 --> 00:09:20,896
Just turn your phone off, Ruxin.
240
00:09:21,014 --> 00:09:23,182
Gonna check out the snack table.
241
00:09:23,316 --> 00:09:25,184
Oh, you know what, Andre, you
should take that hat off.
242
00:09:25,352 --> 00:09:27,653
Oh, out of a sign of respect?
No, 'cause it's so terrible.
243
00:09:27,771 --> 00:09:30,189
Whoa, whoa, this is not the
time.
244
00:09:30,323 --> 00:09:33,158
(sighs)
Teflondre, man.
245
00:09:33,276 --> 00:09:34,660
Hi.
Hi.
246
00:09:34,778 --> 00:09:37,663
Oh, Kevin, Jenny, so good to
see you, thank you for coming.
247
00:09:37,781 --> 00:09:40,916
I am so sorry for your loss.
I can't believe Ted is gone.
248
00:09:41,034 --> 00:09:42,918
Yeah, the way, it's so
unexpected.
249
00:09:43,036 --> 00:09:47,840
Who would have thought Ted would have
died of AIDS... charity. AIDS charity.
250
00:09:47,958 --> 00:09:51,710
I mean, this trade is just
garbage.
251
00:09:51,878 --> 00:09:55,297
That... we would lose Ted and
all those, you know, pervert
252
00:09:55,432 --> 00:09:59,018
arsonists run free.
Thank you all for coming.
253
00:09:59,135 --> 00:10:01,020
So the funeral will be tomorrow?
254
00:10:01,137 --> 00:10:04,523
Yes. Mm-hmm, and after the funeral,
the family will be sitting shiva.
255
00:10:04,641 --> 00:10:06,025
Yes.
I'm sorry?
256
00:10:06,142 --> 00:10:09,228
What... What'd you say? The family
will be sitting shiva. Shiva.
257
00:10:09,362 --> 00:10:12,231
Shiva You mean... You
mean Shiva, right? Shiva.
258
00:10:12,365 --> 00:10:13,732
Shiva.
Shiva.
259
00:10:13,867 --> 00:10:15,868
How is it spelled?
S-H-I-V-A.
260
00:10:15,986 --> 00:10:17,369
Shiva.
Shiva.
261
00:10:17,487 --> 00:10:20,706
And tonight, it-it's a Jewish
custom that Ted's body cannot be
262
00:10:20,824 --> 00:10:23,626
left alone, so we will need
watchers-- shomers.
263
00:10:23,743 --> 00:10:26,045
I understand.
I was Jewish for a brief time
264
00:10:26,162 --> 00:10:28,747
last year.
Listen, we'd be happy to come
265
00:10:28,882 --> 00:10:32,217
back tonight and, uh, be shomers
so we could just see Ted one
266
00:10:32,335 --> 00:10:34,420
last time.
That would be lovely.
267
00:10:34,587 --> 00:10:39,591
He would love that.
Wow, Ted's really dead.
268
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:42,011
He looks so peaceful.
Why is that the desired
269
00:10:42,145 --> 00:10:44,763
adjective for a dead person?
Like, if I go down, I
270
00:10:44,898 --> 00:10:47,266
people to be, like, "That dude
looks like he's getting shit
271
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,268
done, like he's getting laid and
he's getting paid."
272
00:10:49,402 --> 00:10:56,408
Okay, Ted... are you ready...
to draft?
273
00:10:56,526 --> 00:10:57,910
(whoops)
Yes.
274
00:10:58,028 --> 00:10:59,662
Let's do this.
Oh, I'm sorry.
275
00:10:59,779 --> 00:11:01,664
Did someone ask for a draft
board?
276
00:11:01,781 --> 00:11:03,666
All right.
Beer, anyone?
277
00:11:03,783 --> 00:11:05,167
Yeah, yeah.
Nice, Taco.
278
00:11:05,285 --> 00:11:06,725
Here you go.
One last draft with Ted.
279
00:11:06,786 --> 00:11:08,671
He would have wanted it this
way.
280
00:11:08,788 --> 00:11:10,172
Yeah.
We'll find someone to replace
281
00:11:10,290 --> 00:11:12,174
him in the league, but for now
we'll just take turns drafting
282
00:11:12,292 --> 00:11:17,096
for him. We are no longer sitting shiva.
We are now sitting Shiva
283
00:11:17,213 --> 00:11:24,103
(whoops) Gentlemen, I present to you
our 2014 draft board. All right.
284
00:11:24,220 --> 00:11:26,221
That's awesome.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, one
285
00:11:26,356 --> 00:11:30,642
more-- woop. That's an awful picture, babe.
Why is my mouth open?
286
00:11:30,810 --> 00:11:32,311
Well, empirical evidence
would point to you wanting to
287
00:11:32,479 --> 00:11:33,979
gargle Pete's pudding, but I
think, in this case, just
288
00:11:34,147 --> 00:11:35,981
looking for wins.
Oh. Can we please start the
289
00:11:36,149 --> 00:11:44,907
draft? The first pick-- Ted
selects Jamaal Charles. Okay.
290
00:11:45,041 --> 00:11:46,909
Oh. Cold.
(phone chimes)
291
00:11:47,043 --> 00:11:48,911
No. No, it's not a trade.
You're on the clock.
292
00:11:49,045 --> 00:11:51,045
I know. I'm on the six
different leagues right now,
293
00:11:51,064 --> 00:11:55,217
okay?
I'm gonna take Julia Jones.
294
00:11:55,335 --> 00:11:57,836
It's got to be tough being a
woman in the NFL.
295
00:11:57,971 --> 00:12:03,058
Beast Mode! Ted selects the Jacksonville
Jaguars defense for the third period.
296
00:12:03,176 --> 00:12:04,977
No, no, no.
Ruxin, have a little respect for
297
00:12:05,095 --> 00:12:07,679
the dead, please.
Give him Gary and Foster.
298
00:12:07,847 --> 00:12:09,681
Le'Veon Bell.
I don't even know which
299
00:12:09,849 --> 00:12:11,683
league you're talking about.
Let's get some LeGarrette
300
00:12:11,851 --> 00:12:13,685
"Blounts" up in here.
Let's get messed up.
301
00:12:13,853 --> 00:12:15,904
Taco, you can't get high off
a running back.
302
00:12:16,022 --> 00:12:17,990
Cheers, Ted.
Funeral draft!
303
00:12:18,108 --> 00:12:19,992
You know what's amazing is,
some people would find this
304
00:12:20,110 --> 00:12:21,994
disrespectful.
(Taco sputters)
305
00:12:22,112 --> 00:12:23,779
Ruxin, you're up on the clock.
306
00:12:23,913 --> 00:12:25,447
I'm not in the Marines, so I
don't know what that lingo
307
00:12:25,582 --> 00:12:27,533
means.
Cameron Jordan, okay?
308
00:12:27,667 --> 00:12:29,368
Cameron Jordan?
Yeah, Cameron Jordan.
309
00:12:29,502 --> 00:12:31,203
I think he said "Cameron
Jordan."
310
00:12:31,337 --> 00:12:33,205
Cameron Jordan?
He wants Cameron Jordan.
311
00:12:33,373 --> 00:12:35,207
Okay. Cameron Jordan?
Cameron Jordan.
312
00:12:35,375 --> 00:12:39,094
Right. Defensive end, New Orleans Saints.
Congratulations, Ruxin. Wha
313
00:12:39,212 --> 00:12:42,765
Good pick. No, no. Jordan Cameron, the
tight end for the Cleveland Browns.
314
00:12:42,882 --> 00:12:44,600
No, that's-that's not what
you said, right?
315
00:12:44,717 --> 00:12:46,602
Not what I heard.
I heard him say "Cameron."
316
00:12:46,719 --> 00:12:48,604
Ted?
Ted?
317
00:12:48,721 --> 00:12:50,272
Did he say "Cameron Jordan"?
Cameron Jordan, Jordan
318
00:12:50,390 --> 00:12:52,110
Cameron-- it's the same thing.
No, it's not.
319
00:12:52,225 --> 00:12:53,985
One of them's black, and one of
them's white.
320
00:12:54,060 --> 00:12:55,561
And one of them plays
defense, and one of them plays
321
00:12:55,695 --> 00:12:57,396
offense.
This is not my fault, okay?
322
00:12:57,530 --> 00:12:59,231
I'm in too many leagues right
now.
323
00:12:59,365 --> 00:13:00,899
Such an idiot.
I'll take Chad Ochocinco of the
324
00:13:01,034 --> 00:13:02,734
Montreal Alouettes. Boom!
Great choice.
325
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,736
And in round 11, Russell Wilson.
326
00:13:04,904 --> 00:13:08,907
Go, Hawks.
(Taco inhales)
327
00:13:09,042 --> 00:13:13,078
Oh, yeah.
All right, hit it, Ted.
328
00:13:13,246 --> 00:13:15,080
There you go.
(knocking on door)
329
00:13:15,248 --> 00:13:17,082
Hello?
His parents are here.
330
00:13:17,250 --> 00:13:19,084
Oh.
What? Oh, my God.
331
00:13:19,252 --> 00:13:21,086
Uh.
(overlapping chatter)
332
00:13:21,254 --> 00:13:23,088
Um...
Hold on.
333
00:13:23,256 --> 00:13:29,645
Uh, we were just mourning.
Hello?!
334
00:13:29,762 --> 00:13:31,647
Come on.
Mmm.
335
00:13:31,764 --> 00:13:33,682
Can the shomers come to the
door, please?!
336
00:13:33,817 --> 00:13:35,567
Uh, coming. One second.
Okay.
337
00:13:35,685 --> 00:13:37,519
I am so, so...
Very.
338
00:13:37,654 --> 00:13:39,521
...so, so sorry. Shalom.
Shalom.
339
00:13:39,656 --> 00:13:41,523
Shalom.
Shalom.
340
00:13:41,658 --> 00:13:45,194
Shalom. We got a lot of noise complaints.
Did you hear anything?
341
00:13:45,328 --> 00:13:47,196
No. No.
No.
342
00:13:47,330 --> 00:13:48,914
Well, I'm glad you're still
here because we went through
343
00:13:49,032 --> 00:13:50,916
Ted's will.
Ted insisted in his will that
344
00:13:51,034 --> 00:13:52,918
you replace him before the
season starts.
345
00:13:53,036 --> 00:13:59,041
Oh. And he bequeathed one of you his
Laguna beach houses. Which one of us?
346
00:13:59,175 --> 00:14:03,178
Whoever wins the fantasy
football league this year.
347
00:14:03,296 --> 00:14:05,631
Oh.
Oh, wow.
348
00:14:05,798 --> 00:14:07,633
I can't believe we're playing
for a house.
349
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,635
I know.
It's right on the ocean.
350
00:14:09,802 --> 00:14:13,639
Guys, it's amazing. Yeah, we've got stakes
to play for. This is huge. Oh, man.
351
00:14:13,806 --> 00:14:17,309
Whatever. You don't want a Laguna beach
house? Now that I know where the
352
00:14:17,477 --> 00:14:19,157
house is, I don't need to own it
to use it.
353
00:14:19,312 --> 00:14:20,979
All right, guys, let's just
go finish this draft.
354
00:14:21,147 --> 00:14:22,814
Okay.
Exactly. Who's got the board?
355
00:14:22,982 --> 00:14:24,650
I hid the board in the coffin
under Ted.
356
00:14:24,817 --> 00:14:26,485
What?
Why would you do that?
357
00:14:26,653 --> 00:14:30,155
Well, because if I hid it on him,
everyone would have seen it. Oh, Taco!
358
00:14:30,323 --> 00:14:31,990
You idiot!
Okay, let's everyone just go
359
00:14:32,158 --> 00:14:33,659
through your own picks, round by
round, and figure out who
360
00:14:33,826 --> 00:14:36,962
we have. For running backs, I
definitely had Peterson and Lynch.
361
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,664
Oh, bullshit.
No, I drafted Lynch.
362
00:14:38,831 --> 00:14:39,915
No... What?
You did. You drafted David
363
00:14:40,049 --> 00:14:41,300
Lynch, I'm pretty sure.
Oh, come on, Ruxin!
364
00:14:41,417 --> 00:14:42,668
I know. This is crazy.
I definitely had Jordan
365
00:14:42,835 --> 00:14:44,169
Cameron.
That's the only thing I'm sure.
366
00:14:44,304 --> 00:14:45,170
Oh, come on.
No! No!
367
00:14:45,305 --> 00:14:47,005
Why do we have to argue?
You wrote it all down on the
368
00:14:47,140 --> 00:14:50,100
computer. I do it at the end when it's
all done. You were typing the entire
369
00:14:50,176 --> 00:14:52,563
time. I know. I was just doing research
for my draft. No! You have to...
370
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:53,748
What are you talking about?!
What are you talking about?
371
00:14:53,868 --> 00:14:54,946
You are such an embarrassment,
Sacko.
372
00:14:55,066 --> 00:14:57,173
It's because of stupid shit like
this that everyone thinks that
373
00:14:57,279 --> 00:14:58,730
MacArthurs are idiots.
All I know is I drafted
374
00:14:58,864 --> 00:15:01,023
LeGarrette "Blounts," and I
never got him.
375
00:15:01,143 --> 00:15:02,694
I guess we should just redraft.
376
00:15:02,811 --> 00:15:04,345
(all saying "No!")
No way!
377
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,014
I know what you're trying to
do here, okay? You're trying
378
00:15:06,148 --> 00:15:07,649
to get rid of your shitty team.
There's way too much on the line
379
00:15:07,766 --> 00:15:09,350
here with the beach house.
Yeah.
380
00:15:09,485 --> 00:15:12,445
So, what are we gonna do? We got to get
that draft board out of the coffin.
381
00:15:14,776 --> 00:15:16,644
I was looking over Ted's
will, and there was something
382
00:15:16,778 --> 00:15:19,621
very specific that he wanted us
to do.
383
00:15:19,741 --> 00:15:21,692
Yeah, sure. What?
Look, we all know how much
384
00:15:21,860 --> 00:15:23,694
Ted loved flash mobs, right?
Flash mobs? Uh...
385
00:15:23,862 --> 00:15:25,696
Yeah. Oh, Ted loved a good
flash mob.
386
00:15:25,864 --> 00:15:27,698
Flash mobs.
Fla... I thought you said
387
00:15:27,866 --> 00:15:29,786
something different.
Flash mobs. Yeah, of course.
388
00:15:29,868 --> 00:15:31,752
Flash mobs.
Mm-hmm, exactly.
389
00:15:31,870 --> 00:15:33,754
We did a flash mob today.
Well, Ted would like there to
390
00:15:33,872 --> 00:15:36,457
be a flash mob at his funeral.
Great idea. Beautiful, yeah.
391
00:15:36,592 --> 00:15:38,459
Beautiful celebration of life.
392
00:15:38,594 --> 00:15:41,295
Okay. Here's the plan.
Once the rabbi starts the
393
00:15:41,430 --> 00:15:43,297
mourner's kaddish, he wants you
to kick it off.
394
00:15:43,432 --> 00:15:45,432
Here's your outfit.
You put this on underneath your
395
00:15:45,434 --> 00:15:49,303
clothes. We've already got
ours on right now. Okay.
396
00:15:49,438 --> 00:15:51,305
Oh, wait a second. Wait.
Why do I have to start this?
397
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,107
What are you talking about,
why you?
398
00:15:53,225 --> 00:15:55,026
You were always Ted's favorite.
He called you "the first among
399
00:15:55,143 --> 00:15:57,028
equals."
Well, I can't argue with Ted.
400
00:15:57,145 --> 00:15:59,030
I mean, he knows what he's
talking about.
401
00:15:59,147 --> 00:16:01,032
I'm gonna do this.
Ted would have wanted it this
402
00:16:01,149 --> 00:16:06,537
way. You guys really think you
can pull this off? Of course.
403
00:16:06,655 --> 00:16:08,539
It's gonna be great.
Hmm.
404
00:16:08,657 --> 00:16:10,541
Holy shit.
Look who came to Ted's funeral.
405
00:16:10,659 --> 00:16:12,543
It's Cameron Jordan and Jordan
Cameron.
406
00:16:12,661 --> 00:16:14,378
I wonder if Ruxin knows the
difference.
407
00:16:14,496 --> 00:16:16,380
Time to find out.
Excuse me. Hi.
408
00:16:16,498 --> 00:16:18,382
Jordan Cameron, right?
How you doing?
409
00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:20,384
Cameron Jordan.
Nice. Nice.
410
00:16:20,502 --> 00:16:22,053
They usually get us confused.
That's actually what I wanted
411
00:16:22,170 --> 00:16:25,723
to talk to you guys about. Would you
mind doing us a quick favor? BOTH: Sure.
412
00:16:25,841 --> 00:16:29,760
Hey, Ruxin.
Funniest thing happened on the
413
00:16:29,895 --> 00:16:32,647
way to the funeral.
We met a guy you drafted.
414
00:16:32,764 --> 00:16:34,682
You should say hello to the
person you drafted.
415
00:16:34,816 --> 00:16:36,684
Yeah. What's up, man?
How you doing?
416
00:16:36,818 --> 00:16:38,738
Cleveland Browns tight end.
Yeah. What's my name?
417
00:16:38,820 --> 00:16:40,738
What's my name?
(laughing): What's my...?
418
00:16:40,856 --> 00:16:42,740
No, what's really...
what's-what's my name?
419
00:16:42,858 --> 00:16:44,742
Dude, what's my name, bro?
Rodney.
420
00:16:44,860 --> 00:16:46,744
Rodney.
What's mine? Mine?
421
00:16:46,862 --> 00:16:48,746
Dude, your name.
Come on, bro.
422
00:16:48,864 --> 00:16:50,748
I drafted you, bro.
You drafted me.
423
00:16:50,866 --> 00:16:52,750
You got to know my name.
I drafted...
424
00:16:52,868 --> 00:16:54,585
Who did you draft?
I... I'll tell you who I
425
00:16:54,703 --> 00:16:56,420
drafted.
I drafted a Pro Bowl player.
426
00:16:56,538 --> 00:16:57,978
You made the Pro Bowl?
Yeah. Did you?
427
00:16:58,123 --> 00:16:59,340
I made the Pro Bowl.
Oh, you're both in the
428
00:16:59,458 --> 00:17:00,624
Pro Bowl.
(Ruxin clears his throat)
429
00:17:00,759 --> 00:17:02,460
That's cool.
Tell the bro his name.
430
00:17:02,594 --> 00:17:04,095
It's like we're all bros
here. You know what I mean?
431
00:17:04,212 --> 00:17:05,930
We're all here for Ted.
Ted's our dude.
432
00:17:06,048 --> 00:17:07,765
Ted would know who he drafted.
433
00:17:07,883 --> 00:17:09,767
Jordan Cameron.
Hmm.
434
00:17:09,885 --> 00:17:11,769
Which one did you point to?
Wait a minute.
435
00:17:11,887 --> 00:17:13,604
It seemed like you weren't
really specific.
436
00:17:13,722 --> 00:17:15,606
Come on, man.
What's my name?
437
00:17:15,724 --> 00:17:17,608
Cameron Jordan.
No.
438
00:17:17,726 --> 00:17:19,610
Oh.
So, you did draft me?
439
00:17:19,728 --> 00:17:23,397
Yup. So your league must have IDPs.
Is that an individual...?
440
00:17:23,532 --> 00:17:25,399
Individual defensive players.
We play with those, Kevin?
441
00:17:25,534 --> 00:17:27,401
No, we do not.
See, that's the even crazier
442
00:17:27,536 --> 00:17:30,705
part of all this, is that I was,
like, "We should do IDP because
443
00:17:30,822 --> 00:17:33,908
individual defense players are
not recognized enough."
444
00:17:34,042 --> 00:17:35,910
No, that's the opposite of
what you said.
445
00:17:36,044 --> 00:17:37,912
You were adamant about drafting
one shit-sipping defense and
446
00:17:38,046 --> 00:17:39,914
moving on with it.
Direct quote.
447
00:17:40,048 --> 00:17:41,916
Hmm.
Ouch.
448
00:17:42,050 --> 00:17:45,970
Aah! Just got IDP'd.
Oh!
449
00:17:46,088 --> 00:17:47,972
Hey, J.J. Watt.
No shit.
450
00:17:48,090 --> 00:17:49,974
Hi.
Hi. Remember us?
451
00:17:50,092 --> 00:17:51,976
Hi. Yeah, yeah.
How you been?
452
00:17:52,094 --> 00:17:53,811
You cost me $900 of my
mini-bar last year.
453
00:17:53,929 --> 00:17:55,596
Yeah.
Yup, that sure was me.
454
00:17:55,731 --> 00:17:57,431
So good to see you.
We're friends.
455
00:17:57,566 --> 00:17:59,100
How's Arian Foster?
How's the knee?
456
00:17:59,234 --> 00:18:00,874
Yeah, how is he?
We're-we're at a funeral.
457
00:18:00,902 --> 00:18:02,436
That's very inappropriate.
How's Clowney working in the
458
00:18:02,571 --> 00:18:04,271
three-four?
Guys, are we here to pay our
459
00:18:04,406 --> 00:18:05,940
respects to Ted, or are we here
to talk fantasy football?
460
00:18:06,074 --> 00:18:07,775
We ...are here to pay our
respects to Ted.
461
00:18:07,909 --> 00:18:09,610
Thank you.
Between you and me, though,
462
00:18:09,745 --> 00:18:13,614
DeAndre Hopkins, right? Wrong. Not the
time, nor the place. Hello? Shalom?
463
00:18:13,749 --> 00:18:16,367
Guys.
Everyone please be seated.
464
00:18:16,501 --> 00:18:20,538
The ceremony is about to begin. Oh...
Welcome to a celebration of life.
465
00:18:20,672 --> 00:18:22,632
We will begin the memorial...
Ah, it's really sad.
466
00:18:22,674 --> 00:18:24,542
I'm always secretly happy
when good-looking people die.
467
00:18:24,676 --> 00:18:28,929
Oh, God, full of compassion,
Thou Who dwellest on high,
468
00:18:29,047 --> 00:18:32,383
grant perfect rest beneath the
sheltering wings of Thy
469
00:18:32,551 --> 00:18:34,385
presence...
It's gonna be so great!
470
00:18:34,553 --> 00:18:36,387
Bye-bye, Teflondre.
Where's Taco?
471
00:18:36,555 --> 00:18:39,356
Think he's trying to get a
round in.
472
00:18:42,644 --> 00:18:48,199
(whistling) We will now read from Psalm
23... Hey, babe, I know we're still
473
00:18:48,316 --> 00:18:51,402
in the middle of it, but you are
drafting really well.
474
00:18:51,536 --> 00:18:53,404
Can you not mess with me
right now, please?
475
00:18:53,538 --> 00:18:58,409
Are you kidding me? You got Shady McCoy,
Doug Martin and Drew Brees. Yeah.
476
00:18:58,543 --> 00:19:00,411
"...on paths of righteousness
for His glory.
477
00:19:00,545 --> 00:19:02,413
Though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of dea..."
478
00:19:02,547 --> 00:19:04,467
I got movement down there.
"...I fear no harm..."
479
00:19:04,549 --> 00:19:06,417
Really?
We got blood flow.
480
00:19:06,551 --> 00:19:10,254
Mm. Yeah, tell me more about my middle
rounds. Julius Thomas-- brilliant
481
00:19:10,422 --> 00:19:14,258
pickup, yeah. Yes, yes, yes, I know,
I know, oh. Babe, I got roster wood.
482
00:19:14,426 --> 00:19:17,678
I got roster wood.
Let's do this now. Let's go.
483
00:19:17,813 --> 00:19:19,680
What? We're at a funeral.
I don't know when he's gonna
484
00:19:19,815 --> 00:19:21,682
come back, okay?
Look, Ted would have wanted it
485
00:19:21,817 --> 00:19:25,820
this way. ...and may his
soul be bound up... Okay.
486
00:19:25,937 --> 00:19:27,655
All right. Um, we have to get
something out of the car.
487
00:19:27,772 --> 00:19:29,657
Oh, you forgot the Sacko?
May the Lord be his
488
00:19:29,774 --> 00:19:32,409
possession, and may he rest in
peace.
489
00:19:32,527 --> 00:19:37,948
Amen. We will now read the mourner's
kaddish. Glorified and sanctified be
490
00:19:38,083 --> 00:19:40,563
God's great name throughout the
world, which He has created and
491
00:19:40,619 --> 00:19:42,870
according to His will, may He
establish...
492
00:19:43,004 --> 00:19:46,173
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
This one's for Ted!
493
00:19:46,291 --> 00:19:51,428
Mazel, bitches!
494
00:20:07,646 --> 00:20:15,236
What is this? This is not
the mourner's kaddish.
495
00:20:15,370 --> 00:20:17,788
Ted's high school friends are
the worst.
496
00:20:17,906 --> 00:20:21,325
All right, that's 200 yards
to the green.
497
00:20:23,161 --> 00:20:26,463
Aw! Shanked it!
Here, come, come on.
498
00:20:26,581 --> 00:20:28,966
Flash mob.
Andre, this is a funeral.
499
00:20:29,084 --> 00:20:35,222
Have some respect.
And break.
500
00:20:40,095 --> 00:20:43,314
(rabbi gasps, groans)
Oh, my God!
501
00:20:43,431 --> 00:20:48,769
He's unconscious. Isn't there a doctor
in the house? Yeah, I-I'm a doctor.
502
00:20:48,904 --> 00:20:50,771
Okay, I need some ice, a cold
compress and some hydrogen
503
00:20:50,906 --> 00:20:54,775
peroxide. He's gonna save this guy's life.
That's pretty impressive.
504
00:20:54,910 --> 00:20:56,777
I didn't know Andre had it in
him.
505
00:20:56,912 --> 00:20:59,697
No, no, no!
BOTH: Teflondre.
506
00:21:00,906 --> 00:21:04,106
Jesus Christ.
The worst funeral ever.
507
00:21:04,218 --> 00:21:06,102
Well, I'll see you there.
All right, great.
508
00:21:06,220 --> 00:21:08,021
Well, we'll definitely have
dinner then.
509
00:21:08,139 --> 00:21:10,023
Goddamn Teflondre.
It's crazy.
510
00:21:10,141 --> 00:21:12,025
What did I miss, boys?
Oh, just Ted's funeral.
511
00:21:12,143 --> 00:21:13,944
Where were you?
Brutal day on the links.
512
00:21:14,061 --> 00:21:15,862
Not as brutal as it was in
there.
513
00:21:15,980 --> 00:21:17,900
But you know what?
It is time for Operation Draft
514
00:21:17,982 --> 00:21:19,866
Board.
Where the hell's Kevin?
515
00:21:19,984 --> 00:21:21,868
I don't care where Kevin is.
All right, here's the thing.
516
00:21:21,986 --> 00:21:23,870
We're the pallbearers, right?
BOTH: Mm-hmm.
517
00:21:23,988 --> 00:21:25,538
So, we grab the coffin, we
run around behind the building.
518
00:21:25,656 --> 00:21:27,374
Mm-hmm.
Put it down for a second,
519
00:21:27,491 --> 00:21:29,042
pull out the draft board, close
it up, get back in line.
520
00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,044
Nobody's the wiser.
Great.
521
00:21:31,162 --> 00:21:32,712
Just for the record, I think
it was a terrible idea to put
522
00:21:32,830 --> 00:21:34,547
the draft board in the coffin.
Duly noted.
523
00:21:34,665 --> 00:21:36,383
Duly noted.
Oh, we got this right here.
524
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:38,385
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
525
00:21:38,502 --> 00:21:40,220
Thank you so much.
No, we got it.
526
00:21:40,338 --> 00:21:41,888
We got it. We got it.
Oh, uh, what are you doing?
527
00:21:42,006 --> 00:21:43,673
We're pallbearers, too.
Oh... cool.
528
00:21:43,808 --> 00:21:47,510
Oh. Um... Uh, it's cool, Cameron.
We got it.
529
00:21:47,645 --> 00:21:49,512
J-Jordan.
It's Cam.
530
00:21:49,647 --> 00:21:51,514
Right, Cam. We know...
Jordan.
531
00:21:51,649 --> 00:21:53,350
Jordan.
Listen, Cameron, we got this.
532
00:21:53,484 --> 00:21:55,185
It's okay.
Uh, what he means to say is,
533
00:21:55,319 --> 00:21:58,905
maybe if I go on this side, and then...
Mm-hmm. And then what would happen?
534
00:21:59,023 --> 00:22:00,690
If you guys back up for a
second...
535
00:22:00,825 --> 00:22:02,158
And then maybe you guys could
And then they would come in.
536
00:22:02,276 --> 00:22:03,243
come on this side...
Right, and then we
537
00:22:03,361 --> 00:22:05,041
would just...
And then, I think we just go!
538
00:22:06,030 --> 00:22:07,697
Did they just steal the coffin?
539
00:22:07,865 --> 00:22:09,366
Should we go get it?
No. I'm giving them a 50-yard
540
00:22:09,533 --> 00:22:12,369
head start.
In there, in there.
541
00:22:12,536 --> 00:22:14,371
It's a closet.
Here?
542
00:22:14,538 --> 00:22:16,373
What?
No!
543
00:22:16,540 --> 00:22:20,210
Oh, God! Oh, oh, oh, what are you doing?
What-what are you doing?!
544
00:22:20,378 --> 00:22:22,045
Oh, we're grieving in our
own special way.
545
00:22:22,213 --> 00:22:23,880
What does it look like we're
doing?
546
00:22:24,048 --> 00:22:25,548
It looks like you're having
really said, middle-aged sex.
547
00:22:25,716 --> 00:22:27,550
But clearly, you wouldn't do
that in a morgue.
548
00:22:27,718 --> 00:22:29,552
I had roster wood.
From that shitty lineup?
549
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:32,605
She likes it.
It was okay.
550
00:22:32,723 --> 00:22:34,607
Guys, what's going on here?
In front of Ted?!
551
00:22:34,725 --> 00:22:38,778
Can you guys not be morons for
one day?
552
00:22:39,730 --> 00:22:42,148
Get it together!
Come on, Ted.
553
00:22:42,283 --> 00:22:44,150
Looks like we got to redraft,
huh?
554
00:22:44,285 --> 00:22:46,152
Uh, no.
No, no.
555
00:22:46,287 --> 00:22:52,325
I don't think so. No, that... This
is a final... Oh, that's Ted.
556
00:22:52,460 --> 00:22:54,744
If that is Ted, who is in the
coffin?
557
00:22:54,879 --> 00:22:56,999
Ted Rappaport was a great
man, and he was loyal to his
558
00:22:57,131 --> 00:23:01,001
friends. Even friends that weren't
so great. But now, Ted, we must say
559
00:23:01,135 --> 00:23:03,003
good-bye.
I got it!
560
00:23:03,137 --> 00:23:05,005
(Taco whoops, laughs)
My God.
561
00:23:05,139 --> 00:23:07,007
(people gasp and scream)
Oh, my God.
562
00:23:07,141 --> 00:23:09,009
What is going on?
Oh, don't worry.
563
00:23:09,143 --> 00:23:11,011
It's just a draft.
Ted's still dead.
564
00:23:11,145 --> 00:23:12,929
(crying): Oh.
565
00:23:13,671 --> 00:23:22,808
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
566
00:23:22,858 --> 00:23:27,408
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