All language subtitles for The League s06e01 Sitting Shiva.eng

Welcome back to our continuing
coverage of the 2014

scoungbine here at Lucas Oil
Stadium in Indianapolis.

I'm Rich Eisen.

We've got a lot of potential
first-rounders out there today,

and then it looks like someone has
seen Rudy one too many times.

Kevin MacArthur,
five foot eleven.

Weight, 160 pounds, but that looks
like it could be about 100

chicken parms ago.

He's probably pushing a buck 80,
and sources tell us ten pounds

that could be back hair.

KEVIN: Carlos Hyde, huh?

Hey, man, we could
be combine buddies.

There's no buddies
at the combine.

Ha, Mike Evans.

Hey, what say you draft me in
your fantasy draft and I'll

draft you in mine, huh?

No, I don't think so.

Why not, man?

I'm a sleeper.

Nobody sleeps that deep.

I'm a little busy.

What? Whoa!

Oh, good thing you caught that.

Ready... oh.

Here's Mike Evans running the
gauntlet, showing off the ball

skills that should get him drafted
in the top ten this year.

Oh... ow.

And then there's that.

MacArthur, swatting at the ball like
a baboon sitting on a hornet's nest.

Oh! Ow.

Aah!

Now, it's hard to tell how his
game will project to the NFL

level, but one must assume that
once the helmet goes on, he

won't be able to catch as
many balls with his face.

God, one got me
right in the taint.

Some players come out too early... and
some should never come out at all.

There we go, here we go.

(Kevin shrieks)

Just pick... Just pick it up.

I can't, I can't, I can't.

You got to help me.

(Kevin grunts, snorts)

Oh!

It's all right, Daddy's got you.

That counts as one.

He's a tweener for sure.

Somewhere between
mediocre and irrelevant.

(Kevin shouts)

Oh, God.

All right.

All right, switch it.

No. No, no.

Please don't do this.

(Kevin squeaks)

All right, okay.

You got me that time.

Let's run it again.

What you got, little man?

No-- Stephon Tuitt.

Come on No, no, I don't want to.

Pick up the pad, little man.

I'm not doing it.

Pick it up.

I'm not doing it!

Get back here.

Oh, my God, he's so big!

He's so big!

Stop it!

I'm told Kevin is also a lawyer,
although from where I'm standing...

(shrieks): No!

...his skill set doesn't appear to
translate into any discernable position.

No! No, don't do it, no!

Here... or in the legal world.

I'm dying here, Eisen.

Why are you even here right now?

Go home.

You're terrible.

Boo.

ALL: Sacko, Sacko... Sacko.

No.

...Sacko, Sacko, Sacko...
And we have urine.

That's a combine first.

(whining): No...
(Kevin exclaims)

Oh.

Oh, God, I had the worst dream.

JENNY: Go back to bed, Sacko.

Oh, my life is worse
than my nightmare.

Is the bed wet?

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Your champion wants to tell
you all about the 2014 league

draft plan. I am thinking an extravagant
dinner. We are going to do one course

per round.
All on my dime.

So put it down in your
calendars-- August 23rd, okay?

Oh, what's that-- I'm sorry, you
don't have calendars?

Oh, let me help you with that.
Whoa.

Oh!
You made calendars?

Calendars. RUXIN: That's a pretty hot move.
ANDRE: Did you hire a

professional photographer?
I did.

PETE: Looks like we finally
found somebody to satisfy Jenny

in the bedroom.
Wh-What is this one?

Why is October this picture?
I don't want this picture out

there. This is borderline
Sacktual harassment. I disagree.

I'd say this borders more on
domestic Sacktual abuse.

Oh, no, no, no, guys.
There's absolutely no Sacktual

abuse happening here.
Ho, ho.

You had coffee mugs up?
Wow.

Mm-hmm.
To commemorate this wonderful

moment, I have actually decided to
officially change my team name. Really?

I am no longer going to be
Pete Top, Kevin Bottom.

I am now gonna be Jenny Top,
Kevin Bottom.

That doesn't bother me--
that's my favorite position.

Well, the other option was gonna be
Andre 3,000 Dingers in His Face. Oh.

(laughs)
That's good, that's good.

I like how you do thing where it
sounds like a joke but there's

no actual punch line.
Anyway, can't waste time with

you guys, I have to get to my
office-- I have a little pre-op

conversation with the mayor's
wife.

Ooh, what's she having done?
Can't say, but let's just say

it involves me going downtown.
All right, later, losers.

What the hell was that?
I don't like successful,

confident Andre.
Yeah, it's as if he looked at

us with complete disdain.
I know that look.

That's the look that I give you
guys all the time.

TACO: Hey, Sacko, can I
borrow these?

No.
It's not your decision.

You gonna play some golf?
Yeah, love golf.

It's such a great way to unwind
after a long eight-hour work

week.
Where do you play golf?

All or the place.
You guys want to play?

(BOTH): Sure.
It's a dogleg right.

It's 240 yards.
(whistles)

Oh, yeah, got all of that one.

(whoops)
Nice one, Taco.

Street golf, not so bad.
Yeah, you don't even have to

worry about a tee time this way.
Yeah, none of that country

club attitude.
As low-rent as this is, it

does maintain the basic function
of golf, which is to get away

from your wife and children.
Next hole?

I'm happy with my long game, but
my short game's in the shitter.

You know, one thing I did
notice is that, uh, you tend to

take your eye off the ball at
that very last second.

Oh, really? Yeah, you could follow
through on that and do a little better.

Oh, okay, I'll work on that.
Yeah, whoo!

Birdie!

Aw.
Sliced it.

Excuse us, playing through.
Pardon us, sorry, guys.

Excuse us. I might take a drop on this one.
Trying to find my ball.

Oh, it's in the rough.
Folks, I'm just gonna play

through real quick.
Um... you want to go play the

next hole?
Yeah, we should go.

Yeah. That one's on us, guys, thank you.
Thank you.

What are we gonna do about
Andre?

All of our beautifully timed,
well-crafted insults are

bouncing off him-- nothing is
sticking to him.

No, he's like Teflondre.
Ugh, Teflondre sucks.

Mm-hmm.
I feel like it's my job as

the Sacko commissioner to take
that guy down a notch.

What about Kevin?
Aren't we gonna do more Sacko

punishments? No, Jenny's doing a better
job than all of us could. An24-7.

Mmm.
You like me on top?

Mm-hmm, I do, it's my
favorite.

See-- Jenny Top, Kevin
Bottom, not so bad.

No, no, don't say it like that.

No?
No.

Do you want me to tickle your
Sacko?

No. Ye... No, no, just...
Hey, hey, hey, stop, stop, stop.

What? Oh...
Look, look, okay...

You can't belittle the Sacko all
day long and then expect my sack

to work at night.
Okay, tonight let's maybe try

a little role reversal.
You be the champ.

Okay.
(soft chuckle)

'Cause I am your sweet,
submissive... Sacko.

No!
No, don't say that.

Don't say what? The "S" word, don't...
Shiva or Sacko? Oh, either.

Come on.
What?

This is domestic Sacktual abuse.

Well, what am I supposed to
do-- stop being so goddamn good?

I'm never gonna get any.
All right, another mock draft

done.
Ruxin is looking good, getting

ready for the real draft.
Ooh, it's gonna be a fun season.

What's this now? Guess I must have joined
a league by accident. Here, cancel.

Hey, wait, what is this, now?
Another league wants a trade?

No.
No, no, no, no.

Romo... What-What, wait...
No, no, I don't want to make a

trade with you, so stop calling
me.

Good-bye.
What is going on with you?

Who are you trading with?
I... I went to do some mock

drafts, and instead of taking me
to my team page, the stupid site

took me to one of these
randomized league-creating team

pages, and now I'm in some
leagues with some total stranger

idiots.
How many leagues are you in?

I'm in 12 leagues.
You did 12 mock drafts?

Yeah, I was doing them reps,
getting ready for the real

thing.
So if you're in 12 leagues,

let me ask you this: are you
cool in any of them?

Oh!
Oh!

From downtown.
Yeah.

Nice one, Andre.
I never realized that being

in a league with strangers would
actually be worse than a league

with people I truly hate.
I get it.

I've been trying to jump out of
this Dumpster fire forever.

Well, look who it is-- the
full buffet of sadness.

Hello, Ted.
Ladies.

Jenny.
I don't have a lot of time.

You see that building behind me?
That's city hall.

You look very handsome, Ted.
Correct.

I am on my way to an AIDS
Foundation charity event.

Little bit of context I have for
you is...

I'm receiving an award.
It wouldn't be the Shiva,

though, would it?
Because the Shiva is sitting

right here.
By the way, Jenny, if you

need help throwing your
extravaganza, I can get you a

list of high-end chefs that'll...
Oh, oh, call me. No, no, no, no, no.

We don't need any help.
Thank you, Ted.

I would love that, thank you.
All right, just relax over

there, Sacko.
I've called us all here today

because this league needs some
changes.

What I'm proposing is we add two
new members.

We become a ten-team league.
That's interesting.

No, we're and eight-team
league-- we always have been, we

always will be.
I could leave.

No, Taco, you need to stay,
because Kevin needs someone he

thinks he can beat.
(all laugh)

Where is this coming from?
Sounds to me like Kevin is

the new Andre.
Am I hearing this correctly?

Oh.
No, he's not.

He's kind of right.
Kevin is the new Andre.

Ha, ha.
I'm same old Kev.

If the hat fits... oh!
Oh!

Hey!
Yes.

(laughs)
Hey there, new Dre, the only

thing worse than AIDS is Dre.
(tires screech)

Oh!
Whoa.

Is he okay?
Oh, my God, he's not moving.

Oh, my God, he's dead!
He's dead.

And his last words were, "Kevin
is the new Andre."

Well, at least he died doing
what he loved-- making fun of you, Kevin.

Ugh, these guys are trolling
me now.

Just turn your phone off, Ruxin.

Gonna check out the snack table.

Oh, you know what, Andre, you
should take that hat off.

Oh, out of a sign of respect?
No, 'cause it's so terrible.

Whoa, whoa, this is not the
time.

(sighs)
Teflondre, man.

Hi.
Hi.

Oh, Kevin, Jenny, so good to
see you, thank you for coming.

I am so sorry for your loss.
I can't believe Ted is gone.

Yeah, the way, it's so
unexpected.

Who would have thought Ted would have
died of AIDS... charity. AIDS charity.

I mean, this trade is just
garbage.

That... we would lose Ted and
all those, you know, pervert

arsonists run free.
Thank you all for coming.

So the funeral will be tomorrow?

Yes. Mm-hmm, and after the funeral,
the family will be sitting shiva.

Yes.
I'm sorry?

What... What'd you say? The family
will be sitting shiva. Shiva.

Shiva You mean... You
mean Shiva, right? Shiva.

Shiva.
Shiva.

How is it spelled?
S-H-I-V-A.

Shiva.
Shiva.

And tonight, it-it's a Jewish
custom that Ted's body cannot be

left alone, so we will need
watchers-- shomers.

I understand.
I was Jewish for a brief time

last year.
Listen, we'd be happy to come

back tonight and, uh, be shomers
so we could just see Ted one

last time.
That would be lovely.

He would love that.
Wow, Ted's really dead.

He looks so peaceful.
Why is that the desired

adjective for a dead person?
Like, if I go down, I

people to be, like, "That dude
looks like he's getting shit

done, like he's getting laid and
he's getting paid."

Okay, Ted... are you ready...
to draft?

(whoops)
Yes.

Let's do this.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Did someone ask for a draft
board?

All right.
Beer, anyone?

Yeah, yeah.
Nice, Taco.

Here you go.
One last draft with Ted.

He would have wanted it this
way.

Yeah.
We'll find someone to replace

him in the league, but for now
we'll just take turns drafting

for him. We are no longer sitting shiva.
We are now sitting Shiva

(whoops) Gentlemen, I present to you
our 2014 draft board. All right.

That's awesome.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, one

more-- woop. That's an awful picture, babe.
Why is my mouth open?

Well, empirical evidence
would point to you wanting to

gargle Pete's pudding, but I
think, in this case, just

looking for wins.
Oh. Can we please start the

draft? The first pick-- Ted
selects Jamaal Charles. Okay.

Oh. Cold.
(phone chimes)

No. No, it's not a trade.
You're on the clock.

I know. I'm on the six
different leagues right now,

okay?
I'm gonna take Julia Jones.

It's got to be tough being a
woman in the NFL.

Beast Mode! Ted selects the Jacksonville
Jaguars defense for the third period.

No, no, no.
Ruxin, have a little respect for

the dead, please.
Give him Gary and Foster.

Le'Veon Bell.
I don't even know which

league you're talking about.
Let's get some LeGarrette

"Blounts" up in here.
Let's get messed up.

Taco, you can't get high off
a running back.

Cheers, Ted.
Funeral draft!

You know what's amazing is,
some people would find this

disrespectful.
(Taco sputters)

Ruxin, you're up on the clock.

I'm not in the Marines, so I
don't know what that lingo

means.
Cameron Jordan, okay?

Cameron Jordan?
Yeah, Cameron Jordan.

I think he said "Cameron
Jordan."

Cameron Jordan?
He wants Cameron Jordan.

Okay. Cameron Jordan?
Cameron Jordan.

Right. Defensive end, New Orleans Saints.
Congratulations, Ruxin. Wha

Good pick. No, no. Jordan Cameron, the
tight end for the Cleveland Browns.

No, that's-that's not what
you said, right?

Not what I heard.
I heard him say "Cameron."

Ted?
Ted?

Did he say "Cameron Jordan"?
Cameron Jordan, Jordan

Cameron-- it's the same thing.
No, it's not.

One of them's black, and one of
them's white.

And one of them plays
defense, and one of them plays

offense.
This is not my fault, okay?

I'm in too many leagues right
now.

Such an idiot.
I'll take Chad Ochocinco of the

Montreal Alouettes. Boom!
Great choice.

And in round 11, Russell Wilson.

Go, Hawks.
(Taco inhales)

Oh, yeah.
All right, hit it, Ted.

There you go.
(knocking on door)

Hello?
His parents are here.

Oh.
What? Oh, my God.

Uh.
(overlapping chatter)

Um...
Hold on.

Uh, we were just mourning.
Hello?!

Come on.
Mmm.

Can the shomers come to the
door, please?!

Uh, coming. One second.
Okay.

I am so, so...
Very.

...so, so sorry. Shalom.
Shalom.

Shalom.
Shalom.

Shalom. We got a lot of noise complaints.
Did you hear anything?

No. No.
No.

Well, I'm glad you're still
here because we went through

Ted's will.
Ted insisted in his will that

you replace him before the
season starts.

Oh. And he bequeathed one of you his
Laguna beach houses. Which one of us?

Whoever wins the fantasy
football league this year.

Oh.
Oh, wow.

I can't believe we're playing
for a house.

I know.
It's right on the ocean.

Guys, it's amazing. Yeah, we've got stakes
to play for. This is huge. Oh, man.

Whatever. You don't want a Laguna beach
house? Now that I know where the

house is, I don't need to own it
to use it.

All right, guys, let's just
go finish this draft.

Okay.
Exactly. Who's got the board?

I hid the board in the coffin
under Ted.

What?
Why would you do that?

Well, because if I hid it on him,
everyone would have seen it. Oh, Taco!

You idiot!
Okay, let's everyone just go

through your own picks, round by
round, and figure out who

we have. For running backs, I
definitely had Peterson and Lynch.

Oh, bullshit.
No, I drafted Lynch.

No... What?
You did. You drafted David

Lynch, I'm pretty sure.
Oh, come on, Ruxin!

I know. This is crazy.
I definitely had Jordan

Cameron.
That's the only thing I'm sure.

Oh, come on.
No! No!

Why do we have to argue?
You wrote it all down on the

computer. I do it at the end when it's
all done. You were typing the entire

time. I know. I was just doing research
for my draft. No! You have to...

What are you talking about?!
What are you talking about?

You are such an embarrassment,
Sacko.

It's because of stupid shit like
this that everyone thinks that

MacArthurs are idiots.
All I know is I drafted

LeGarrette "Blounts," and I
never got him.

I guess we should just redraft.

(all saying "No!")
No way!

I know what you're trying to
do here, okay? You're trying

to get rid of your shitty team.
There's way too much on the line

here with the beach house.
Yeah.

So, what are we gonna do? We got to get
that draft board out of the coffin.

I was looking over Ted's
will, and there was something

very specific that he wanted us
to do.

Yeah, sure. What?
Look, we all know how much

Ted loved flash mobs, right?
Flash mobs? Uh...

Yeah. Oh, Ted loved a good
flash mob.

Flash mobs.
Fla... I thought you said

something different.
Flash mobs. Yeah, of course.

Flash mobs.
Mm-hmm, exactly.

We did a flash mob today.
Well, Ted would like there to

be a flash mob at his funeral.
Great idea. Beautiful, yeah.

Beautiful celebration of life.

Okay. Here's the plan.
Once the rabbi starts the

mourner's kaddish, he wants you
to kick it off.

Here's your outfit.
You put this on underneath your

clothes. We've already got
ours on right now. Okay.

Oh, wait a second. Wait.
Why do I have to start this?

What are you talking about,
why you?

You were always Ted's favorite.
He called you "the first among

equals."
Well, I can't argue with Ted.

I mean, he knows what he's
talking about.

I'm gonna do this.
Ted would have wanted it this

way. You guys really think you
can pull this off? Of course.

It's gonna be great.
Hmm.

Holy shit.
Look who came to Ted's funeral.

It's Cameron Jordan and Jordan
Cameron.

I wonder if Ruxin knows the
difference.

Time to find out.
Excuse me. Hi.

Jordan Cameron, right?
How you doing?

Cameron Jordan.
Nice. Nice.

They usually get us confused.
That's actually what I wanted

to talk to you guys about. Would you
mind doing us a quick favor? BOTH: Sure.

Hey, Ruxin.
Funniest thing happened on the

way to the funeral.
We met a guy you drafted.

You should say hello to the
person you drafted.

Yeah. What's up, man?
How you doing?

Cleveland Browns tight end.
Yeah. What's my name?

What's my name?
(laughing): What's my...?

No, what's really...
what's-what's my name?

Dude, what's my name, bro?
Rodney.

Rodney.
What's mine? Mine?

Dude, your name.
Come on, bro.

I drafted you, bro.
You drafted me.

You got to know my name.
I drafted...

Who did you draft?
I... I'll tell you who I

drafted.
I drafted a Pro Bowl player.

You made the Pro Bowl?
Yeah. Did you?

I made the Pro Bowl.
Oh, you're both in the

Pro Bowl.
(Ruxin clears his throat)

That's cool.
Tell the bro his name.

It's like we're all bros
here. You know what I mean?

We're all here for Ted.
Ted's our dude.

Ted would know who he drafted.

Jordan Cameron.
Hmm.

Which one did you point to?
Wait a minute.

It seemed like you weren't
really specific.

Come on, man.
What's my name?

Cameron Jordan.
No.

Oh.
So, you did draft me?

Yup. So your league must have IDPs.
Is that an individual...?

Individual defensive players.
We play with those, Kevin?

No, we do not.
See, that's the even crazier

part of all this, is that I was,
like, "We should do IDP because

individual defense players are
not recognized enough."

No, that's the opposite of
what you said.

You were adamant about drafting
one shit-sipping defense and

moving on with it.
Direct quote.

Hmm.
Ouch.

Aah! Just got IDP'd.
Oh!

Hey, J.J. Watt.
No shit.

Hi.
Hi. Remember us?

Hi. Yeah, yeah.
How you been?

You cost me $900 of my
mini-bar last year.

Yeah.
Yup, that sure was me.

So good to see you.
We're friends.

How's Arian Foster?
How's the knee?

Yeah, how is he?
We're-we're at a funeral.

That's very inappropriate.
How's Clowney working in the

three-four?
Guys, are we here to pay our

respects to Ted, or are we here
to talk fantasy football?

We ...are here to pay our
respects to Ted.

Thank you.
Between you and me, though,

DeAndre Hopkins, right? Wrong. Not the
time, nor the place. Hello? Shalom?

Guys.
Everyone please be seated.

The ceremony is about to begin. Oh...
Welcome to a celebration of life.

We will begin the memorial...
Ah, it's really sad.

I'm always secretly happy
when good-looking people die.

Oh, God, full of compassion,
Thou Who dwellest on high,

grant perfect rest beneath the
sheltering wings of Thy

presence...
It's gonna be so great!

Bye-bye, Teflondre.
Where's Taco?

Think he's trying to get a
round in.

(whistling) We will now read from Psalm
23... Hey, babe, I know we're still

in the middle of it, but you are
drafting really well.

Can you not mess with me
right now, please?

Are you kidding me? You got Shady McCoy,
Doug Martin and Drew Brees. Yeah.

"...on paths of righteousness
for His glory.

Though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of dea..."

I got movement down there.
"...I fear no harm..."

Really?
We got blood flow.

Mm. Yeah, tell me more about my middle
rounds. Julius Thomas-- brilliant

pickup, yeah. Yes, yes, yes, I know,
I know, oh. Babe, I got roster wood.

I got roster wood.
Let's do this now. Let's go.

What? We're at a funeral.
I don't know when he's gonna

come back, okay?
Look, Ted would have wanted it

this way. ...and may his
soul be bound up... Okay.

All right. Um, we have to get
something out of the car.

Oh, you forgot the Sacko?
May the Lord be his

possession, and may he rest in
peace.

Amen. We will now read the mourner's
kaddish. Glorified and sanctified be

God's great name throughout the
world, which He has created and

according to His will, may He
establish...

Yeah, yeah, yeah!
This one's for Ted!

Mazel, bitches!

What is this? This is not
the mourner's kaddish.

Ted's high school friends are
the worst.

All right, that's 200 yards
to the green.

Aw! Shanked it!
Here, come, come on.

Flash mob.
Andre, this is a funeral.

Have some respect.
And break.

(rabbi gasps, groans)
Oh, my God!

He's unconscious. Isn't there a doctor
in the house? Yeah, I-I'm a doctor.

Okay, I need some ice, a cold
compress and some hydrogen

peroxide. He's gonna save this guy's life.
That's pretty impressive.

I didn't know Andre had it in
him.

No, no, no!
BOTH: Teflondre.

Jesus Christ.
The worst funeral ever.

Well, I'll see you there.
All right, great.

Well, we'll definitely have
dinner then.

Goddamn Teflondre.
It's crazy.

What did I miss, boys?
Oh, just Ted's funeral.

Where were you?
Brutal day on the links.

Not as brutal as it was in
there.

But you know what?
It is time for Operation Draft

Board.
Where the hell's Kevin?

I don't care where Kevin is.
All right, here's the thing.

We're the pallbearers, right?
BOTH: Mm-hmm.

So, we grab the coffin, we
run around behind the building.

Mm-hmm.
Put it down for a second,

pull out the draft board, close
it up, get back in line.

Nobody's the wiser.
Great.

Just for the record, I think
it was a terrible idea to put

the draft board in the coffin.
Duly noted.

Duly noted.
Oh, we got this right here.

Appreciate it.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.
No, we got it.

We got it. We got it.
Oh, uh, what are you doing?

We're pallbearers, too.
Oh... cool.

Oh. Um... Uh, it's cool, Cameron.
We got it.

J-Jordan.
It's Cam.

Right, Cam. We know...
Jordan.

Jordan.
Listen, Cameron, we got this.

It's okay.
Uh, what he means to say is,

maybe if I go on this side, and then...
Mm-hmm. And then what would happen?

If you guys back up for a
second...

And then maybe you guys could
And then they would come in.

come on this side...
Right, and then we

would just...
And then, I think we just go!

Did they just steal the coffin?

Should we go get it?
No. I'm giving them a 50-yard

head start.
In there, in there.

It's a closet.
Here?

What?
No!

Oh, God! Oh, oh, oh, what are you doing?
What-what are you doing?!

Oh, we're grieving in our
own special way.

What does it look like we're
doing?

It looks like you're having
really said, middle-aged sex.

But clearly, you wouldn't do
that in a morgue.

I had roster wood.
From that shitty lineup?

She likes it.
It was okay.

Guys, what's going on here?
In front of Ted?!

Can you guys not be morons for
one day?

Get it together!
Come on, Ted.

Looks like we got to redraft,
huh?

Uh, no.
No, no.

I don't think so. No, that... This
is a final... Oh, that's Ted.

If that is Ted, who is in the
coffin?

Ted Rappaport was a great
man, and he was loyal to his

friends. Even friends that weren't
so great. But now, Ted, we must say

good-bye.
I got it!

(Taco whoops, laughs)
My God.

(people gasp and scream)
Oh, my God.

What is going on?
Oh, don't worry.

It's just a draft.
Ted's still dead.

(crying): Oh.

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www.addic7ed.com

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