All language subtitles for The League s05e13 The 8 Defensive Points of Hanukkah.eng

RUXIN: Aw, tits. I lost.
Goddamn rabbi is such a...

PETE: Honest, moral,
forthright human being?

Yes, he is.
JENNY: I'm really coming

around to Judaism.
Of course you're finding

religion-- you somehow ended up
in the Shiva Bowl.

Somehow?
And your husband's here to

celebrate with you.
No. Have you guys seen him?

Did he crash with any of you
last night?

No, I haven't seen him.
And you know what?

I don't blame him for
disappearing after you

lineup-cheated on him with Ben.
I did not lineup-cheat with

anyone.
I maybe lineup-flirted.

ANDRE: Well, you're gonna
need all the advice you can get

'cause you're playing me in the
Shiva.

That's right. Ted has gone down.
I guess Ted could handle

AIDS, but he couldn't handle
Draids.

Your Draids team just sucks
the life out of anybody that

plays you.
I am a score vacuum.

And I'm coming to suck up your
score right now.

(sucking sounds)
Ew. God.

(slurping sounds)
The Ass-Eating Machine?

No, it's a score vacuum.
Oh, shit, are you kidding me?

Am I seriously gonna lose to
Taco?

Come on!
Vernon Davis is in a cast, so I

bench him.
Now he scores two touchdowns?

What the hell's going on?
So weird. You should check

his Twitter, maybe.
Um, he's not tweeting-- he's

playing a game, Andr...
Wait a minute, he is tweeting.

"Suck it, Pete. Hashtag 'you've
just been double-ent'Andre'd'"?

Bam! (whoops)

Yeah, yeah What's up?

Long con
What, what?

What, what?
You've been long-conned by

Andre.

look who you lost to.
TACO: Oh, hi, I didn't see

you there.
I was in the middle of a faxing.

Introducing Taco Corp's latest
venture: the EBDB.

Eskimo Brothers Database.
EBDB?

Jesus, I can't believe I lost
to this.

We log and catalogue your
Eskimo family tree for you.

So all you have to do is put
your penis in someone and we do

the rest.
I've been creating a vast Eskimo

brothers network database
starting with myself.

That is me.
Right up there is my Eskimo

Eskimo brothers.
I spent a summer up in the

Northwest Territories.
I've been working on Kevin's

Eskimo family tree as well.
As you can see, Kevin is Eskimo

brothers with Ruxin's dog, Kale,
through Jenny.

The EBDB.
You bag it, we tag it.

Oh, shit.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Looking good, Dr. Nowzick.
What? No, no, no, no, no, no,

No!
Hector Rocha?

Toe-besity is my thing!
It's my thing!

KEVIN: I mean, she won't let
me, her husband, help her set

her lineup, but she'll let Ben
go off and do it?

You are in the Sacko Bowl.
Yeah, well, so are you.

Where did we go wrong?
I'll tell you where we went

wrong: David Wilson.
Darren McFadden.

Roddy White.
Stevan Ridley.

Aw.
You guys talking about the

Should've-Would've-Could've
Bowl?

You know what? Enough...
Yeah, we're in the Sacko Bowl,

we get it.
Uh-uh-uh, I believe it's

not called the Sacko anymore--
it's called the Ruxin.

Certain people were referring
to it as the Ruxin.

Well, one of you two losers
will be living with the Ruxin

for the next year.
You know what?

That trophy looks a lot more
like Joe Paterno than it

actually looks like you.
And just like the ghost of

Joe Paterno, it will loom like a
shame cloud over you.

You saw but you didn't act.
You knew what was happening, and

you let it happen.
And your legacy has been

tainted.
Jenny calling.

Don't answer it.
All right.

Gentlemen, I need those lists
for the Eskimo Brothers

Database.
And remember, penetration only.

Eventually, I'll expand it to
BJs, Aborigine brothers, or

HJs, Apache brothers.
But for now, I'm focusing on the

Eskimo only.
"P" in the "V" goes in the EBDB.

I love to see you motivated,
Taco.

Hold on a second, I...
Oh, it's Jenny.

Don't answer it.
Don't touch me, boys.

I'm hot. I am on fire.
Dr. Rocha? The number one

plastic surgeon in Chicago?
He is now honing in on my turf.

He's doing toe-besity clients.
We be beefing.

What?
Oh, we be beefing.

Wow, like a Gary Coleman
commercial for Wendy's.

No, this is me at anger level
ten.

You're ready to give Rocha
the hot beef injection.

Taco, looks like you better
add Dr. Rocha to the EBDB for

Andre.
Yeah, uh, speaking of which,

Andre, your list has a lot of
inconsistencies.

A lot of the women on here don't
exist.

What do you mean?
I mean, most of these women

are dead and they died on the
Titanic.

Hello? Hello?
Does anyone answer phones

anymore?
Come on.

What are you doing here?
I want you to come home.

Come on. Stop being a baby.
No, I don't want to live with

someone who doesn't respect me
as a fantasy football player.

I love you.
I value your opinions.

Great, then let me help you
set your lineup.

(laughs): No.
I don't want to lose.

But I can help you.
Why would I need help?

So you don't lose.
Oh, you know what? That's it.

I'll be upstairs, Peter.
Looks like I'm not the only

one beefing today.

Welcome home.
Jesus Christ! Rafi!

(laughs) You should've seen
your face.

You scared the shit out of me.

You remember last year when I
took Baby Geoffrey to water

survival?
Swim class.

Okay, yeah. You made a deal
with me that if I did, I got to

bang your sister.
Mm...

And now, I am here to collect.

I would love to hold up my
end of the deal, but my sister's

already left town.
Oh, that's too... (sniffing)

No. You're lying.
I can smell pussy in this house

that's not my sister's.
(sniffing)

Whoa! Well, well, well!
Rebecca, you remember, uh,

Rafi.
From our wedding, when they

asked if anyone objected to this
union, he threw a sock full of

quarters at me?
Yeah. Hey, bangs, I'm talking

to you.
We have business to discuss.

What is this about?
Is this about your stupid

fantasy league?
Because I don't want to hear

about it.
Fantasy league isn't stupid,

Rebby, okay? It's cool.
Will you just tell me why

you're interrupting me, please?
I'm sorry. I can explain.

Last year, I took our son...
My son.

...to water survival.
Swim class.

And as a result, the deal
that he made was that you and I

would have sex.
Not true. He's joking.

It's a joke.
Not joking at all.

Sex between us.
Very funny.

Talking about your sister having
sex with your homeless friend?

We're not friends at all.
This is a dirty, dirty,

terrible thing to say to your
sister.

Like you would even know what
a joke was, Rebby.

Um, that's not true.
I have a pretty stellar sense of

humor.
Ask the girls at Hadassah.

You wouldn't even know a joke
if it hit you in the face.

You've never known a joke.
You have no sense of humor.

You're not funny!
I'm the funny one!

I've always been the funny one
in the family.

(whistles) Hey, guys. Relax.
First of all, none of you are

funny.
Jews aren't funny.

Second, I think maybe we got off
on the wrong foot.

The sex that we're gonna have is
strictly transactional.

It is just dick in hole.
Hey, where are you going?

(sniffs) Hmm.
She's feisty.

I think she's into this guy.
Yeah. Why? 'Cause she

screamed at you the whole time?
No, actually.

'Cause she screamed at you the
whole time.

Help me out here, bro.
What do I got to do to lock that

down?
Well, she only dates Jewish

guys, so the...
All right.

...only way that this could
work is if you converted to

Judaism.
I'll do that.

Mm-hmm.
Hang on. Does that mean they

have to cut my dick off?
You just got to snip the tip.

Oh, that's great, actually.
Because the tip of mine is black

and hard, and I can't feel
anything since I got frostbite

last year.
(spitting)

Oh, I made up the couch all
nice and comfy for you.

Couch?
No, no, I can't do a couch.

I tweaked my back combing my
hair too fast.

Oh, well, maybe a nice, hard
surface of the floor?

No, no, I don't do floors.
Hmm...

Yeah, this is better.
So, maybe we don't tell

anybody about this.
Good idea.

Good night, Kevin.
Good night, Pete.

Oh!
Oh! Oh.

Brittany, what is this doing
in our fridge?

You know the rule here:
no solid foods.

Juices only.
It's just birthday cake, and

it's my birthday.
It's your birthday?

You're getting older, too?
When were you gonna tell me

about this?
I'm really sorry, but you're

fired.
Okay.

Just pack your shit up...
Hey! We had a deal.

Three years ago, over tapas, we
agreed to split the body, 50-50.

You got the top half, I got the
bottom half.

Breasts were always
international waters, but now?

I see these toe-besity ads?
Whoa. We be beefing, son.

Oh, I don't want to be beefing.

No, well, we beefing.
But I don't want to be

beefing.
Well, you better come up with

a beef substitute.
Here's what I think.

Why don't we join forces?
And instead of being number one

and number two, we can be one
giant number one.

Why would you want to partner
with me?

You've always been such a dick
to me.

(sighs) It's like I have a
movie franchise and we're doing

pretty well, but it's starting
to get old.

And what I need is Dwayne "The
Rock" Johnson-- A.K.A. you-- to

step in and help me go to the
next level.

I'm your Rock.
I'm your franchise Viagra.

So what do you think?
Yeah.

Let's turn this G.I. Joe
into G.I. Joe: Retaliation.

G.I. Joe:Retaliation.
Have a piece of cake.

I don't eat that shit.
Nice.

What possible reason could
you have to want Rafi to become

a Jew?
Because Baby Geoffrey listens

to Rafi.
So if Rafi becomes Jewish, then

Geoffrey will become Jewish.
How are you gonna get Rafi to

become Jewish?
Rafi wants to get his filthy,

disgusting hands up that long,
denim skirt of my sister's.

Oh, my God.
I get it.

I was gonna stop on the way
home and grab something to eat

for dinner-- do you want me to
grab you anything?

I feel like we've been eating
in a lot.

Do you want to go out tonight?
I'd... No, I mean, I could

grab some Indian or sushi...
Why don't you guys splurge

and go out?
Enough with the jokes, okay?

Enough.
Look, I know in the past I've

kidded around with you guys a
little bit that you like to, you

know, suck each other's dicks
and crank each other's

buttholes.
But in this case, I really am

truly happy for you two.
Let me know when you guys go

full penny-- I'll write it down
in the EBDB.

(mimics fanfare)
I have an announcement.

The number one and number two
plastic surgeons in Chicago are

about to perform a plastic
merger-y.

Whoa, couple ballers.
What's going on here?

I thought you guys were, like,
bitter rivals.

No, that's all in the past.
You see, we realized that we

share a common enemy.
Hospitals.

Wh-Who likes to go to a
hospital?

There's all these bright
fluorescent lights.

All these old, sick people.
What if it was, instead of a

hospital, a club-spital?
We're gonna dim the lights.

Mm-hmm. Get a DJ in there.
Instead of an

anesthesiologist, you get a
mixologist.

So when you go out, you're going
out with a Red Bull and a

roofie, not just some needle in
your arm.

You guys got it all figured
out.

Well, look, it's not just
about making a ton of money and,

you know, getting a tuggy in the
back of your red Porsche.

Sure, I've boned it out in the
changing room of a

Aeropostale...
I've seen the pictures.

...but I also like to give
back-- that's why I started

No Child Cleft Behind.
Like a cleft palate?

We go in to El Salvador, fix
those kids up.

Once I thought of that pun, I-I
knew I had to give back.

See? A lot of people are
always focused on feeding the

people in the third world
countries, but they don't

realize they're actually pretty
ugly.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, if you'll excuse me, fellas,

I think I see a couple of ladies
that need to take a visit to the

back of my red Porsche and tug
me out.

See you.
I think he's gonna go talk to

those girls.
And I'm gonna watch.

Guys, this is amazing.
He's my new best friend.

Wow.
You guys are no longer my

favorite couple.
Nip/Suck just took first prize.

Pete, I'm using your computer!

(beep)
Did you put a password on this?

Yes, I put a password on there.

Why?
Because we're playing each

other this weekend.
I don't want you to have access

to my scout team.
And, by the way, you're a shit

pig-- you missed the bowl in the
bathroom.

I thought pee didn't bother
you.

Well, pee doesn't bother me
when it's my pee.

I don't think this is about
pee at all.

You know what? It's not.
I'm a little hurt that you

didn't tell me about the Andre
long con.

Buddy, that's how this game's
played-- you know that.

No, it's not how it's played
between us.

Oh, well, well, well.
Did we come at a bad time?

You remember your Uncle Kevin.
Hello.

Thank you.
They're dangling in my face.

Yeah. He wants to say hi to
you.

What are you doing here?
Well, I wanted to show him

his new home 'cause either way
he's ending up here unless...

Are you guys fighting?
No, we're not fighting.

Pete's just trying to pin him
being in the Sacko on me!

Oh, the fact remains, if you
had told me about the Vernon

Davis Twitter con, then I would
not be in the Sacko Bowl.

Fact.
No, Pete you are in the Sacko

because you made poor decisions,
like picking up Knowshon Moreno

and then dropping him before he
gets big.

Which makes sense because you
have commitment issues.

Ha!
Oh, this coming from the

person who is as disappointed in
his life as David Wilson is in

his season.
Oh, I don't have to listen to

this!
I'm going home, Peter!

I'm worried that the Ruxin's
gonna be a child of divorce.

Shut up.
Even a second wife needs a

trophy wife.
Get that out of...

Get away from me.

I had a fight with Pete.
Do you want to talk about it?

I mean, the guy is just being
such a jerk.

He's trying to pin all his
lineup problems on me, and it's

like, hello?
You created those problems, I

didn't.
You know what happened?

You guys let Ruxin come in
between you.

Not Ruxin. The Ruxin.
Well, I'm glad you're home.

I missed you.
I missed you, too.

I need you.
I need you, too, babe.

No, I mean...
I need you.

Really?
Yeah. Do you want to?

Oh, I'd love to help you with
your lineup, yes!

Yeah? Yes.
All right, so, my defenses.

You know, I've got Dallas in
there, which is great...

Or, we could pick up
Tennessee off the waiver wire.

They're playing the Jags.
Yeah? Yeah, we could do that.

We might have to tinker a
little.

Oh, I will certainly be
tinkering tonight.

I think we should totally
tinker all night long.

You want to tinker?
Oh, I'd love to tinker.

Yeah?
Yeah. Tinker away.

Mm-hmm.
(moaning)

And we are done.
Cheers.

Cheers to you, partner.
All right, we got to go big.

QVC, product lines, even a
stand-up comedy club, slash,

plastic surgery place.
I'm not interested in any of

that, but here's your plane
ticket.

Where are we going?
We're not going anywhere.

You're going to El Salvador.
What? I don't want to go to

El Salvador.
Well, the contract you just

signed says you're gonna go
there for three years and run No

Child Cleft Behind.
But I don't want to do that.

You can come up with a better
pun, be my guest.

Wait a second, you partnered
with me just to get rid of me,

didn't you?
What about the team, the...

the GI Joe: Retaliation?
You can watch that movie on

your flight over.
In 3-D?

Mm... no.
Oh, then what's the point?

Oof.
This does not look good.

Why did you sign it?
Did you read it through?

No, he-he just told me to
trust him, and I like that...

outfit he wears.
Well, he's also got no

loopholes in this contract.
I think you're screwed.

Just buy your way out of it.
I'll be bankrupt.

So does this mean you're
going to El Salvador?

For three a?os.
If you need a notary, I'm

pretty sure I'm legal down
there.

I got to go home.
Adios, Andre.

Hey!
What? He needs to practice.

I'm gonna miss this place.
Shitty carpet, cheap couch,

horrible Christmas decorations.
They don't have that in El

Salvador.
All right, Geoffrey, do you

know what these are?
Dreidel.

Oh. I don't want to tell you
what I thought it was, but,

actually, don't worry about it.
I washed them off pretty good in

the toilet.
So what do we do, we just spin

'em?
Yeah.

Like that? Oh, no!
(laughs)

Hey, why don't you take your
candelabra here and run upstairs

and practice your half Torah
like I taught you?

Oh.
Shalom.

I didn't see you there.
Shalom.

I was just telling my nephew
how great it is to be Jewish,

'cause I'm pretty freaking
Jewish now.

Are you?
I'm pretty much killing it on

the Jew front.
Now that I keep a kosher

toilet-kitchen, my life is
amazing.

No more live pig for this guy.
Just dead pig, pig-milk soup.

You can't eat pig if you're
kosher, and you can't eat a live

pig ever.
I mean, they're hell to

catch, but... delicious.
Like, I...

You're joking.
Yeah, I was totally kidding.

I don't eat any of that stuff.
All I eat pretty much now is,

like, shrimp and lobster.
Okay, listen, I'm gonna be

here for one more day, so are we
doing this, or are we not doing

this?
Wait. Do you mean sex?

Yes.
Then, yes, we are 100% gonna

do this.
Fantastic, because I cannot

think of one thing that would
piss my brother off more.

Ha! Good.
And I cut the tip of my dick off

for you.
I'm sorry?

Yeah, boom, gonzo, because
it's Jewish.

You circumcised yourself?
I had one of those, uh,

paper cutters from a high school
that I robbed, and I just put my

dick in there...
I don't need to hear the

details.
...and shoonk!

You know, to make matters
worse, Dr. Rocha wants me in

El Salvador at Christmas now.
Man, that guy's so cool.

On the off chance, is there
anybody in El Salvador that I

could be Eskimo brothers with?
Okay, well, let's take a look

at your file.
Here we go.

"Andre... Nowzick."
All right, here we go.

Wait a second.
You use your computer as a file

cabinet?
Yeah, keep my files in my

hard drive.
And what were you just

typing?
Nothing. I like the sound.

Okay, your Eskimo family tree...
Oh, boy, you don't even really

have any Eskimo brothers in
Chicago, let alone El Salvador,

aside from Kevin.
Oh.

Yeah.
Shiva Komedi Somakanakram.

You know how you could expand
your Eskimo brother network?

It would be very easy.
You just have to sleep with your

sister.
I'm not sleeping with my

sister... no.
All you have to do is put the

tip in, and all of these people,
my friend, they're all yours.

This EBDB is useless.
I disagree.

The EBDB is connecting the world
one bone at a time.

Oh, for example, I just found
out that I'm Eskimo brothers

with a priest-- a Father
Zaragosa.

So cool.
Wait. That's the priest from

Sofia's church.
Yeah, he had sex with

Tiffany.
Oh! Taco, I love you, and I

love the EBDB.
I got to go.

Wait, wait, wait.
Will I see you?

Well, if I don't, I want you
to know a few things.

First, skull caps are never
cool.

That vest looks like you
molested Margaret Thatcher's

couch, and your cologne smells
like sweet baby doody.

Mm.
Peace.

Oh, hello, Father Zaragosa.
Hi, Rodney.

Everybody calls me Ruxin.
Well, I have a favor to ask, or

I'll have to tell.
Tell what?

Well, that you're Eskimo
brothers with Taco.

Goddamn Tiffany.
Tongue-stud Tiffany.

Do you want Geoffrey out of
church school, is that it?

No, no, no. I've realized
that having him out of the house

on Sunday is perfect so that me
and my heathen friends can watch

football.
What is it that you want?

Walk with me, padre.
I want to talk to you about

tongue-stud Tiffany.
(moaning)

Oh, God.
What?

What did you eat?
I ate a raw onion earlier

that I found on the street.
That's the opposite of what

you should have done.
(Rafi moans)

I didn't want to eat it, but
it just looked so good.

Let's do it in the back.
You're not even drunk.

No, the back of the van.
Oh, great.

Oh, my God.
I want to do you

office-style.
Ow. Office?

This is gonna fulfill a
fantasy I've had since I was on

welfare.
You're a fat black woman, and

you're really mad at me because
I hadn't been looking for a job.

I...
Ooh, what I'm gonna do to you

isn't kosher. Oh, yeah. What?
Don't say that.

That takes me out of it.
Shit. We're moving.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, shit. Hit the brakes!

Hit the brakes!
I can't! I can't work on

Shabbat!
What?!

I can't work on Shabbat.
You don't know that? No, you...

Quick, I want to be inside
you on point of impact.

When I'm done with this guy,
his nose is gonna look exactly

like Matthew McConaughey's.
So, what are you up to tonight?

I'm going to this Asian comedy
show; it's called Chop Shtick.

(Rafi cackles)
It should be really great.

(screaming)
(yells)

My hand! (yelling)
Hey, man, what the shit are

you doing?
Help me. My hand's crushed in

the door.
Just open the door, please!

You just screwed my whole
thing up, man.

This girl's kosher.
That means I got to put my meat

in one hole and my milk in the
other.

(crying): Aah, man hand!

"When Mary and Joseph reached
Bethlehem after a long and

tiring journey, they looked for
a place to stay."

Mary and Joseph are a lot
shorter than I thought.

"'But,' he said, 'We have a
stable where you can stay.'"

What's up?
I just spent the entire night

chowing on your sister's
ruggala.

Okay, so you had a one-night
stand, fine.

We had an all-night stand.
Oh! Oh, God.

You wore a condom, right?
No, no, no, no, no.

She wouldn't let me, because the
only one I had I'd made myself

out of pork sausage casings.
That's not kosher.

No, it's not kosher.
Hey, move over.

Oh.
You guys are looking at the

number one plastic surgeon in
Chicago.

Hey!
Whoa! I thought Dr. Rocha had

you by the balls.
Yeah, until his hand was

crushed.
Now he can't practice at all.

And I don't have to go to El
Salvador.

Christmas has come early this
year.

Actually, it's Christmas
right now.

Okay, well, Christmas came at
the exact right time, because

I'm also beating Jenny in The
Shiva.

Uh-uh, don't do that, 'cause
I am still in this.

I'm still playing.
Oh, yeah, who do you have?

Um, oh, the Titans defense. Ugh!
You're down by seven with

four minutes to go.
No Shiva for you, girl.

I am gonna be lucky if I get
a point out of these donkeys.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I thought that that was the

play.
"The wise men followed the

star until it stopped over the
place where the child was.

They brought gifts of gold,
frankincense and myrrh and

presented them to him."
Watch this.

I worked on Baby Geoffrey's
lines with him a little bit.

Come into my manger, and I'll
cut you with my knife.

(screaming)
Oh, my God!

Whoa!
Geoffrey! Geoffrey!

Mr. Ruxin, Baby Jesus did not
have a switchblade!

Maybe he should have.
Then he'd probably still be

alive.
Oh, my God, there was a sack.

It gets a point.
And a fumble.

That's another pot.
Oh, my God, they're running

it bk, you guys.
Oh...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Go! Go! Touchdown!

Oh, no! My God!
What?!

That's six points!
That was an eight-point play!

It's just like the story of
the Hebrews in the temple with

the oil.
It's like a Hanukkah miracle.

Yeah, it is!
You did it! Yes!

I just won The Shiva, and
because of the advice you

gave me!
That's right.

It is a MacArthur Shiva with
no asterisks!

I won! I am the champion!
Take that, dick cream!

I won! I'm The Shiva!
Oh, yeah, won The Shiva!

I won it! I won it!
Miss, you're making a scene

in a church.
Doesn't matter.

I converted; I'm Jewish now.
Whoo!

This is amazing.
Wait, wait, it looks like we

also have a MacArthur Sacko.
Oh, no.

It is decided.
No, no, no.

No.
Damn it, and I lost because

of the advice you gave me.
I love you.

Oh, I don't give a shit.
What?

Shiva and the Sacko in the
same household.

This is not going to go well.
You know what, Kevin?

I don't want to be in a fight
anymore.

I love you, man, let's just make
up.

(bleep) you.
I-- God, I don't want to be the

Sacko.
Aw, Kev, you're not the

Sacko, you're the Ruxin.
Black choir.

Hallelujah

Ruxin did this to ya...

Ruxin started a choir and didn't
ask me.

Kevin is...

on this one.

He's the worst
He's the Ruxin...

Wow, they really care about
our fantasy football league.

You're the worst

You're the Ruxin...

Ruxin.
Yeah, it's yours, it's yours.

And you shall suck it

And ever
You're the Ruxin

And ever.

(Kevin groans)
Jesus Christ.

He said it.
Hey, Brian, who's this Kevin?

He sounds like a real piece of shit.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0