All language subtitles for The League s05e11 The Credit Card Alert.eng

PETE: You know what, Taco?
I'm gonna get this.

I got a promotion, I'm riding
a three-game winning streak.

I mean, you got to give yourself
little treats every now and then, right?

TACO: You know what? You're right.
We are two captains of industry.

We need to spoil ourselves once
in a while.

You know what I could
really use? Another sock.

- Man's got to have two, Taco.
- I'm gonna see if I can find one.

Uh, sir, there's a problem
with your card.

There shouldn't be.
That's really...

(cell phone ringing) I'm sorry.
Excuse me one second. Hello?

Hi, Mr. "Eek-hart." This is Ann Marie
from your credit card company.

This is Pete Eckhart.

Mr. Eek-hart, I'm calling
because we see a purchase here

for $210 at a
men's boutique.

That's because I am buying
a $210 sweater from a men's boutique.

Really? You?

Uh, I'll have you know this is not
the first fine item that I've purchased.

Actually, I'm looking at your
purchasing history,

and I don't see anything
close to a high-end store;

I just see a lot of Old Navy,
more Old Navy.

and lots of Jimmy Cheffo's
Meatball Experience.

I like Jimmy Cheffo's Meatball Experience.
What's the problem?

I'm just trying to look out
for you.

Your economic profile has you
listed as "working poor."

I'll have you know I recently
got a promotion,

I am on a three-game winning
streak in my league.

I mean, it's an eight-team league, but
it's still very competitive considering...

(woman yawns)

- Are you yawning right now?
- Sorry, what were you saying?

Why don't you head over
to Jimmy Cheffo's,

get yourself a meatball sub
and wake up?

No, thank you. I'm happy
with the E coli that I have.

Okay, it should be good now.
Thanks.

Okay.
(Pete sighs)

- Hi.
- Hi.

I really like
your sweater.

You know, I've been on a bit
of a winning streak lately,

and I thought
I would splurge.

Well, I'd like to see your
winning streak continue.

- You would?
- I would.

- I'm Pete, by the way.
- Georgia.

Oh, Georgia.
Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- Check it out.

- How do I look?
- Where did you get that, Taco?

Found it in a room back there.

There are no price tags on
anything, so it's all free.

They also have a bunch of stun guns,
but I have too many of those already.

- Good shopping with you, Pete.
- Yep.

Synced by Reef
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KEVIN: How long were you planning
on staying here tonight?

RUXIN: Just long enough
to miss dinner with my family,

so that I can sit in front of the TV
and eat dinner alone.

- JENNY: Hey, guys.
- Hey...

Gonna be all right, sweetie?

- Yeah.
- All right, go up and change.

Come down for dinner in a little
bit, okay?

What's wrong with her?

Oh, she had a really rough
basketball practice.

She said the coach is
like a drill sergeant.

I think you should go
talk to that coach.

I don't like her
talking to them like that.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Come on, Kevin, go.
You do love arguing with lesbians.

Just 'cause she is a female basketball
coach, you can't say that she's a lesbian.

- She is... she's got to be.
- Hey, Ellie!

- No, it's all right...
- Stop.

- Is your coach a lesbian?
- Stop it!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- She can tell... kids can tell.

- We don't talk about it.
- Yeah, it's a cultural unmentionable.

Really?

Yeah, the way Asians are
great at string instruments.

So I can't mention that NBA players
universally cheat on their wives.

No, it is a cultural
unmentionable.

It offends every
Kardashian.

So I'm not allowed to talk about that
Ethiopians are always parking attendants.

- No, you are not.
- That Israelis all deal cell phones.

- They do.
- No, but you can't talk about it, sweetie.

That Africans have very yellow eyes,

or that eating dinner next to
a table from Texas is unbearable.

- Of course.
- Not out loud.

- You know what, then? I'm going home.
- Great.

That was easy.

You have seriously violated
the entire dating protocol.

What, by having sex with you
before dinner instead of after?

- Bingo! Yes.
- Mmm.

I now am under no obligation
to buy you food. You're going to starve.

Well, you know, next time,
I'll try to get it right.

Speaking of getting it right,

we should be sitting up at
that nice table by the window.

I'm good here.
I'm just fine.

Oh, you're good, you like it
here by the bathroom?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Okay, that means... stomach
problem, a coke habit, maybe?

- Neither.
- Neither, hmm, okay.

I'm married.

To your job or...
to the sea?

- No.
- Okay, all right.

Is, um... is that going to be
a problem?

Um...

Why so glum, chums? It's the last
weekend before playoffs. Come on!

Says the person who's
already in the playoffs.

Yes!

My team's up shit creek, and
I need a win and some help.

- I'm in the same boat.
- Me, too.

ANDRE: I'm freaking out.
I'm losing my clear hair over this.

How will you know? Will you find
clumps of nothing in the sink?

- No, it's a real thing, okay?
- Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Okay, congratulations.
You got a job.

- That's good.
- No, just a fan.

- A fan? Fan of what?
- Security.

Yeah, everyone's such a big fan
of the Bears in this town.

Uh-uh, not this guy.
I love Security.

Wait, you think Security
is an NFL team?

See them out there
on the field on Sunday?

Man, they did
such a good job.

What would the mascot of
Security be?

It's usually, like, a huge
white man in a tiny lawn chair

or a tiny black man in a huge
collared shirt.

Go, Security!
(cell phone vibrating)

- Yeah.
- Go, Security...

All right, guys. I got to bust out.
I got a date with the lady.

When do we get to meet this secretive
lady you're keeping from us?

Eh, whatever.

Have you crossed over the perv Rubicon
into... underage ladies?

No. No, it's nothing like that.

I just got involved with a...
married woman.

- (gasps) Peter!
- Oh...

Man, that's, uh...
that's... that's wrong.

You shouldn't do that.
That hurts people.

Try that again like you're
not in a hostage video.

You know what?
It's disgusting, Pete.

Look, I'm not doing
anything wrong.

I'm just not stopping her from
doing wrong things to me

which happen
to feel great.

Hey, every girl that I've ever dated
also was seeing somebody else, too.

I once got so drunk I married
a married woman.

This is going to be so
exciting for you, Pete.

I mean, sneaking around.
You're going to have to go incognito,

you know, very
cloak-and-dagger stuff.

- You know what you need?
- Are you talking about hats?

- Yes, I am. You want some?
- I don't want any.

(whistle blows) Come on, ladies, hustle!
That's pathetic.

Come on, move.

Listen, you don't dive for
a loosball, you do push-ups.

Now, get on the floor. Give me 20.
Come on... What is that?

Come on, what are you,
a little girl?

I think that's exactly what
she is.

Ashley, get back in line.
No more bullshit.

Whoa, you're like a female
Bobby Knight.

- Bobby Knight's a pussy.
- Okay.

I'm Kevin MacArthur.
I'm Ellie's father.

Why are you here?

I think, uh... I think Ellie's
having a bit of a problem.

Yeah, I know she is.
What she's bringing is weak shit.

Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Weak shit...?

Look, that's a
trick shot.

She get that weak
shit from you?

No, my shit is not weak.
My shit is... strong.

Want to show me your "strong?"
Drop down and give me 20 right now.

(Kevin laughs) I'm not going
to give you 20. No.

- Get down!
- All right, I'm a man...

Let's go! Let's go!

I could probably give you two or three
really good ones in a row, so...

Here we go.

(grunting)

- (straining): One.
- That's pathetic.

Tell your daughter no more weak shit.
She's got to lean in.

Coach Crowley,

I'd like to file a complaint with how
you've been treating Chloe lately.

What the hell is this, a
PTA meeting?

- Get on the floor!
- Okay.

Come on, if you want to be in
my gym, you got to sweat.

- This is insane.
- Own it.

Are you kidding? This is the third time
I've been here to complain this week.

Why?

It reminds me of the best
parts about being in prison.

Come on, let's go!

Yeah, I started making vodka
in my basement toilet.

- Oh, my God.
- That's weak!

Babe, I'm home.
How did it go, talking to Ellie's coach?

Um, I got to be honest with you,
I kind of think that she has a point.

I think that she's motivating these
girls to become better athletes.

They need to lean in.

- Lean in?
- Yeah, lean in.

"Lean in" is
meaningless.

That is the white-collar version
of "get 'er done," okay?

No.

You got to get back over there
and talk to her.

She is being too
hard on them.

I mean, if you want me
to talk to her again, I guess...

You know what, fine,
I'll go over and talk to her.

- No, I'll talk to her again.
- (groans): Oh, my God, okay.

Ah, that's really great to see you guys
on the same page in your marriage.

- How is married life for you, Peter?
- It's incredibly frustrating right now.

I can't meet her here, I can't
meet her there...

Sounds like you need
a super-secret plan... you know,

follow her into her dress shop, wait
until she goes into the dressing room,

then you follow behind
and you slam the door...

- You look at her...
- Okay, hold on a second.

- Andre, Andre...
- ...you cup her breasts...

- All right, enough!
- Are you reading Danielle Steel again?

Well, I haven't stopped.
You know, I like to complete an author.

She's got, like, 178 books!

What's wrong about reading a book
that can make you moist?

(disgusted groans)
I can't say "moist"?

- No!
- "Moist" is the classy "wet."

(disgusted groans)
You don't know...

- Stop! You know what?
- Okay, fine.

Let me explain to you the
modern-day affair.

It's about, she tells me she's
going to the gym,

I have to drive 50 minutes across
town, through traffic, to get there.

- It's extremely complicated.
- Doesn't seem that complicated for her.

I don't think you are her first, Pete...

She didn't break the seal
of adultery on you.

- You're not that special.
- Um, excuse me, you don't know her.

- Georgia is a very nice person...
- I'm sure she is...

She happens to be unhappy in her
marriage, but she's promised me

that I am the first man that she's ever
slept with outside of her marriage.

(loud laughter)

Oh, and why is this so funny?

Okay. You know
what, that is

the female version of "Officer,
I swear to God she looked 18."

Enough, all right? I'm not gonna
sit here and listen to this

just 'cause you guys are jealous
that I'm having a great time.

No, I'm sure she's
telling you the truth.

She's not lying to you.

She's never lied to anyone
except her husband, children,

family, in-laws, everyone else
she feels is sacred in her life.

(Peter mumbling)
Jesus Christ, Andre!

- I have a proposition for you.
- Okay.

I live close to Georgia's
gym, and I was thinking maybe

you might want to use my place
as your love nest.

Sure. Also, what is the
catch?

Maybe a trade.

A trade? Well, let me see
what you have in mind.

Okay, look, right after I traded
to Jenny, Reggie Wayn got hurt.

My wide receiver corps sucks,
all right?

All right, well, I'll tell
you what, I do have a pretty

shitty stable of running backs,
so if you get me Le'Veon Bell...

Wait. I gave you my
apartment.

Andre, it's not a trade unless
you give me a player as well.

Yeah, but I did you a fav...

- Fine, what do you got?
- I'll give you Jordy Nelson,

- I'll give you Julio Jones...
- Julio Jo... Isn't he on the I.R.?

The designated I.R.,

which means he will be coming back
for your big playoff push, all right?

- I don't know.
- Andre, this is such a win for you, okay?

You get Jordy Nelson, you get
the definitely-coming-back Julio Jones,

and you get to be my adultery
accomplice... all for Le'Veon Bell?

- Well, my friend, you have a deal.
- Nice! All right...

Oh, already shook on it.
All good.

(Andre chuckles)
(quietly): Sucker.

(quietly): Sucker.

Hey! No! Wait! Security!
Help me! He's got my purse!

Security! Whoo!
Security number one!

- Whoo! Go team!
- What are you doing?

(chants): Security! Security!

Come on, you
guys, move!

- What did I tell you, huh?
- Move, you little maggots, move!

This is incredible...
I'm getting season tickets.

This is the best
show in town.

What is this?
You're sleepwalking. Come on.

I don't know, I'm just not
into the tshik-zilla thing.

Guess my type is more of just a tiny
Latin woman who obliterates me.

(blows whistle)

What was that, guys?

Yes! Sorry. Wow....

I don't know, I just can't see
beyond her wrath.

You... I... I just see
beyond the jacket...

- What are you guys doing here?
- You told me to talk to the coach.

You need to get low and move,
like we practiced.

You didn't even
listen to me.

Oh... I get it.

"Lean in" is actually just about
seeing Coach's cleavage, right?

No. I was defending her
because I feel like she's

motivating Ellie to become
a better athlete; it's working.

Really? Has nothing to do with the
fact that she's just a little bit hot?

No, it's a lot bit because
she's terrifying.

- I can't even look at you.
- She is terrifying.

She's, like, right out of a Saw
movie.

- Pussies.
- Feel the burn.

Hey, babe. I will see you in
a couple of minutes, okay?

Maybe in the lobby.
Hi. Jenny MacArthur.

How are you? I was hoping I could
talk to you about my daughter...

Listen, lady, make
an appointment.

Oh, um, well, you know,
I'm right here, so...

And she's having a really tough time,
and I was just hoping we could talk.

Oh, okay, I see where your
daughter learned to whine.

What?

I thought she got her lack of sack
from your husband,

but she's got no sack
because you've got no sack.

- Oh-ho. I have sack.
- Oh, yeah?

- I got a really big sack.
- Mm-hmm? Yeah, you have a big...

- Hairy lady's sack?
- Okay, now she's my type.

Yeah. In fact, I bet my sack
is bigger than your sack, Coach.

Well, then sack up, Ms. MacArthur.

I'm telling you, I got
a full-on anger chub right now.

- Move over.
- Wind sprints. Now.

- What?
- Now! Go!

- O... O... Okay.
- Come on, faster, let's go.

What is my wife doing?

I believe she's showing us
all her giant, hairy sack.

Stacking up, huh?
Let's go, show me that sack.

This... is my sack.

This is my big... hairy lady
sack.

Huh? Huh? Yeah!
That's my sack. Suck it!

I'm about to show y'all
what's inside my sack.

All right, well, I hope these terrible
furnishings don't ruin the mood.

You know, I have to pick my daughter up
in an hour... I'm not worried about mood.

Oh, we're just... we're going?
I like it. Let's just go for it.

(chuckles) The bedroom's right
this way.

Bonjour. Welcome
to Cafe de la Andre.

- I've cooked up some huevos.
- Who is this guy?

I'm the accomplice.
Nice to meet you, Georgia.

- How does he know my name?
- I'm sorry. Mrs. Thompson.

Andre, you said I could use
your "love nest."

It's not a love nest when there's already
another bird in it, do you understand?

Yeah, but this bird is blind and deaf...
I won't hear a thing.

This is incredibly inappropriate.
I mean, what... You made food?

- What are we doing?
- It's a little postcoital snack.

(disgusted groans)

Look, I support what you guys
are doing.

It's very European.

Europeans are liberal,
they're not creepy.

I know a lot of creepy Europeans.

- You should come to my squash club.
- All right, you need to go.

- Where do you want me to go?
- Away! Out...

- Hey.
- Hi.

Andre, what the hell
are they doing?

I just realized, I... kind of
double-booked.

You double-booked?

Yeah, they're coming over
to see the Bulls game...

Great. Hi.

...and they were coming over
to celebrate their love...

No...! Guys, this is my...
Yah! This is my good friend...

- Georgia.
- Hi. Hi. Georgia.

Hi, friend. Friend Jenny.
I'm also friends with him.

- Not that way.
- No. Not in that way.

Uh, what do you
do, Georgia?

When I'm not using my marriage
vows as toilet paper?

You know, let's get out
of here, let's go.

- We should probably go.
- No. No. No, no, no, no, stay, stay.

- I am sorry.
- Not gonna happen.

- All right, next Thursday?
- Next time.

Okay.

Nice to meet you.

Wow, Pete, she is
a real keeper.

Is what her husband must have thought
when he pledged his life to her.

Thank you. Andre, what the hell happened
to the whole cloak-and-dagger thing?

Well, I got the cloak.
I just forgot the dagger.

Andre, I need you to pick up
some more condoms, please.

Oh. You triple booked?

- Him, I did not know about.
- Ooh, eggs.

The biggest shocker in this moment
is that Taco uses condoms.

So, you're still sticking
with the jacket thing?

What can I say?
I'm a die-hard fan.

You should see the guy at the bank...
he wears the whole outfit all day long.

Okay.

- Ooh, Good. Phew!
- Excuse me?

- Oh, my God!
- What are you doing?

- Oh, my hair?
- Yeah.

- It's a wig. Yeah, it's a wig.
- No!

Why does your wig look
exactly like Pete's hair?

Because it's light,
it's breezy, it's fun.

Like a Nancy
Meyers movie?

Yeah. You'd love to see this
wig's kitchen.

I don't understand why
you're wearing a wig.

Pete and I should both
be wearing wigs, okay?

He's out there having an affair
with this married woman.

This husband could find him at any second,
and me... I'm an adultery accomplice.

- Who knows what's coming into my world?
- No, that's not it.

- You just anted an excuse to buy a wig.
- I could grow this at any time.

ALL: Really?

- Yes.
- Why don't you let it grow?

I keep it tight like Jay Glazer.

Come on, you're as transparent as
the clear hair that you don't have.

What is this shit?
Trade rejected?

I don't know. I guess it just
had the votes to get vetoed.

That was a completely fair trade.
How could you...?

- Jesus Christ, what are you...?
- What?

BOTH: Are you...?

- It's the real thing.
- I can't even deal with this right now.

- Quiet. Who vetoed my trade?
- I did.

- BOTH: Why?
- Because I don't like what you're doing?

BOTH: What? Stop.

I don't agree with what you've
done to the sanctity of marriage.

- Because it's not right?
- No, because it's not fair.

I mean, it's bad
enough that you

flaunt not being married in our
face, but now you're peeing all

over an actual marriage, so I've
decided to take a thick, hot,

dehydrated, yellow, ropey pee
all over your trade.

This has nothing to do with
fantasy football.

You guys are vetoing my
relationship with Georgia.

- Stop it, Andre.
- Okay.

There is no space for morality
in this league. I'm out.

Pass the tissues.
We all got issues.

I really find Hair Andre less
annoying.

You guys have to box out.
Get back.

That's just terrible!
Come on, what is this?!

Wow, she is erotically
disapproving.

Goddamn it, knew I shouldn't
have taken the over.

- What is the over?
- Eight.

- Speaking of scores...
- Go on, take it in.

...I am kicking
your ass.

As long as Pete loses,
I'm still in the playoffs.

Babe, they gave us the team photo.
Check this out.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, looks like a basketball
internment camp.

They're a bunch of hostages
sitting there. She's such a bitch!

- That is full-on shtetl porn.
- Ladies, that's pathetic bullshit!

You see how disapproving she
looks?

Goddamn it, I hate you all.
You're not my friends anymore.

- BOTH: Oh.
- This is unbelievable.

I was not able to pick up Le'Veon Bell,
so what do I have to do?

I start Chris Ivory
who gives me shit?

Now, I will not go
to the playoffs

because you don't like
that my girlfriend is married.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, shh.
I wouldn't speak too loud.

Mrs. Thompson's over there with
her husband.

I guess her daughter plays for
the opposing team.

- Move, you little maggots!
- Come on, what is this?!

- Oh. Hey, Georgia.
- Shh!

- Taco, cut it out.
- Jesus Christ! All right.

- Don't... don't look. Don't look.
- Box out!

- Get back on defense, guys.
- Oh. Uh-oh.

We're just sitting here
talking, and nothing is hap...

Uh-oh. No, no, no.
He's looking at us.

Jenny, make out with me real quick,
'cause it'll look like we're together.

God, I'm not gonna
make out with you.

Fine. I'll jump on the grenade, Jenny.
Let's make out.

No, Taco, I'm not making out
with you, either.

I mean, why don't you guys just
make out with each other, right?

He's not... Hold on.
I'll tell you if he's looking.

- Where'd he go?
- Joey, who are you guarding?

- Do you know someone over there?
- No.

We're gonna smile, and
we're not gonna look.

- Come on, ladies, hustle.
- That's pathetic.

- Hello. This is Tony Thompson.
- Hi, Mr. Thompson.

This is Ann Marie from Fraud
Early Warning.

There's been quite a few purchases
on your account recently

from Jimmy Cheffo's
Meatball Experience,

which makes us think that your card
might have been compromised.

Jimmy...? No. Jimmy Cheffo's?
I've never eaten at that dump.

Oh, well, it looks like your wife
Georgia's name is also on the card.

Maybe she ate there without you.

You're telling me that my wife
ate at Jimmy Cheffo's?

Why would she do that? We're foodies.
We don't eat at places like that.

We could be watching High Life
for all I know.

- Seriously. It's crazy.
- Come on, move!

- Cheffo, Cheffo, Cheffo.
- Oh, it's so good.

- Oh!
- Son of a bitch.

You know, Tony, based on your
purchasing history,

she's very lucky to have you.

I have to go.

- Oh, shit.
- I can't believe you, Georgia.

Hey? Hey, scumbag!

- Oh, shit.
- You, scumbag, you screwing my wife?

You having a meatball experience
with my wife?

- Tony, just settle down.
- I'm not gonna settle down.

- Stand up.
- Security, security, stand up.

- Sit down, shit bag.
- Yup.

- You... let's go.
- You know what?

- We're gonna talk about this.
- Talk about this?

- I don't think so, asshole.
- Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Okay.

Come back here,
you chicken shit!

- Wow. This is so embarrassing.
- Your husband's a real dick.

- He is, isn't he?
- That's an expensive-looking sandwich.

For the record,
she made the first move!

I don't give a shit!

- Oh...
- Oh, God.

Hey...
Oh, Jesus.

You wanking in the closet to the
team picture? Come on!

I'm blocking the kids. I'm just
locked in on that coach's death stare.

- Where are you, asshole?
- Shh! Stop! Stop!

I can't! The jack
train's left the station.

- Have some self-respect, Ruxin.
- Next stop is vinegar stroke Central.

- Stop it!
- I can't!

- Stop!
- Too late!

(both groaning)

(both sighing) Oh, those
clackers are really meaty.

They were meatier
a minute ago.

(Pete yells)

(Ruxin sighs) (panting)

Clean-up on Aisle Me.

(panting)

Where'd you go, pussy?

Yes. Gonna make
the playoffs.

(grunting) Dick!

Oh, shit.

(Andre groans)
I'm just the accomplice.

(thudding)

Hello? Hello?

(moaning)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Andre, what are you doing
here?

What? This is my bedroom.
What are you doing here?

Having sex with a woman.
Maybe you should try it some time.

- Hey.
- By the way, I found this.

- What...?
- Get back in the kitchen where you belong.

- Make us some eggs, bitch.
- Wait a second.

- I could be your adultery accomplice.
- Over easy.

Benedict.

All right, this is great.
These are gonna be the best eggs...

- Just make it quick.
- Okay.

Oh, there's a steam
shower function in the...

- Out!
- Okay, got it. Oils.

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