All language subtitles for The League s05e06 Heavy Petting.eng

JENNY: I have snacks.
PETE: Thank God.

You're welcome.
This is a joke, right?

No, we're on a bit of a
health kick.

KEVIN: We're doing the
healthy thing now.

RUXIN: Oh, since the "muffalo
wing" incident?

(laughter)
No, I just love my family and

I want us to eat healthy, so we
got rid of all our junk food and

are taking vitamins.
All I think about is bacon.

Ha-ha, married people
problems.

You know, you all should
thank me.

You're disgusting.
Yeah, but that's just our

personalities, though.
Honestly, Jenny's not wrong.

The only one here in decent
shape is Andre.

ANDRE: Oh, thank you for
noticing.

Would you mind giving us a
little tutorial?

I mean, what have you been
doing?

As a matter of fact, I can.
See, you can do everything that

I do in the privacy of your own
home.

I always like to start off with
a squat.

It's kind of the most natural
way to kind of begin anything.

Just get deep as you can go.
Drop in.

What happens if you get
resistance, what do you do?

You just want to push right
through it.

Push, push until you can get
down, down, down, down, down,

down, down, deep as you can, and
it's gonna hurt, you know.

Okay.
But you got to just push

through it and then explode.
Oh.

Oh, nice.
You have a great core.

Is there anything specifically
you do for that?

Indeed I do.
I do a plank.

So you just kind of lay down...
and take it.

This is great because you're
doing two muscles at a time.

Mm-hmm.
Two is about the minimum.

You can always take two at once
because then you're activating

two different parts of your
body.

Now I'm just getting worked up
right now.

Yeah.
Now, do you find yourself

getting hard while this is
happening?

(laughter)
Well, I find this whole thing

is hard, but, you know, I just
got my bros to help me get

through it.
Yeah, do you do it with other

jacked dudes, or what?
Oh... I love doing it with

jacked dudes.
No matter how many times you

say, "Stop, stop, stop," they
will not let you, and then

you're thankful and you're
pretty sore.

Well, you seem to be exhausted.

You earned this.
Oh, thank you very much.

Mmm, ha-ha-ha.
Tip's got the most nerve endings.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Mmm... all right, I'm out.
I got to go set up for Baby

Geoffrey's party.
Is it his birthday?

No, it's not his birthday.
It's for his soccer team.

Were they undefeated?
No, they lost every single game.

Why can't kids just be losers
anymore?

Well, Ruxin, you have years
of expertise.

You should show 'em how.
That's right, there's a

perfect example sitting right on
your mantel.

Hasn't Baby Geoffrey lost
enough having Ruxin as a dad?

Andre, why would say
something so purposefully

hurtful?
What? I'm just...

You don't know the power of
your words.

I hold you in very high esteem,
and when you make fun of me, it

stings.
It's a joke, we all make

jokes.
Andre, we would never say

something like that to you.
Mm-mm.

I'm so sorry, look, he
doesn't think you're a loser...

You-You know what?
It's too much.

I got to get out of here and go
get supplies.

Why don't you just have Sofia
get the supplies?

Because, since last week was
my bye week, she's on her bye

week this week in Miami.
TACO: Gentlemen, the word

"taco" is no longer synonymous
with hot dogs and hamburgers.

Taco's Truck has served its last
customer.

Aw.
Oh, thank God.

I know you're all upset, but
the food industry's way too

complicated.
And who wants to wash their

hands, like, three times a day?
Ugh.

That can't be healthy.
So, what's happening with

Uncle Frank's van now?
I turned Taco's Truck into a

puppy petting zoo.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense,

sure.
Yeah.

It's the perfect business.
Hardly any overhead.

All you have to do is show up at
kids' parties, bar mitzvahs,

orgies, let people pet the dogs,
they give you money for it.

Who would hire you to do one
of these parties?

Uh, your super sexy wife.
I'm doing Baby Geoffrey's party

tomorrow.
(Pete laughs)

Yeah.
I would rather set up a back

rub station run by Jerry
Sandusky.

Oh, if he's available, just
tell him to come by.

Aah!
Guys, I keep onng goi through

it over and over again.
I-I think I really upset Ruxin.

Kevin.
You urinated all over the floor.

It's not my fault that you
gave me these vitamins that

change my pee color like some
sort of sick Willy Wonka trick.

What?
The color is neither here nor

there.
The fact is, you didn't get it

in the bowl.
I got a lot of it in the

bowl.
That's not that bad.

Yeah, honestly, you get 70%
of it in the bowl, you're doing

great.
You guys put the pee bib

around the toilet?
That's genius.

Yeah, you know, it catches
all the remnants.

Wait, wait, the remnants?
That's a full meal.

That's not a meal.
That's, that's a couple

sessions' worth, Andre.
That's not one shot.

Is there a diet that makes
any of you less foul?

Oh! Oh.
Ah, it's not that bad, actually.

Look.
"Now, what do you kids want for

Christmas?"
Thanks for driving me all the

way back to the city, Andre, I
appreciate it.

Of course, and by the way, I
wanted to talk to you a little

bit about a trade.
Do not offer me Randy Moss.

I do not know why you drafted
him, I do not know why you still

have him.
First of all, he can come

back.
Just watch, watch, okay?

Look, but I'm not talking about
that.

You have great running backs.
I have a great backup QB.

I got amazing wide receivers.
Let's, uh, see if we can get on

the dance floor.
Do a little dance.

A little trade dance, right?
It's an interesting

proposition, I just... you know,
I got to come up for air first.

What the hell does that mean,
"come up for air"?

I'm swamped right now, man.
My work's kicking my ass, and I

got a lot of stuff to do around
the house.

Just a bad time, you know.
Take a second, we'll just get

out our phones, we'll do it
right now.

A-Andre, I can't even think
past one minute from now,

honestly.
If I was gonna consider this, I

would need to take a bunch of
stuff off my plate.

I don't even have groceries in
my house right now.

We'll get you groceries.
We'll stop at the storon the

way home.
Great, here's a little list

for you.
Wait, you want me to get you

groceries?
Yeah, I could just crush some

e-mails while you're in there if
that's cool.

"Milk"?
Do you want, like, one percent,

almond milk...?
Sorry, Andre, I'm just

slaying some voice mails real
quick.

"Salad stuff"?
What does "salad stuff" even

mean?
Is that, like, the dressings or

the things inside the salad?

All right, Ian, here you go.
This is your trophy for not

crying that one time.
On your way.

Geoffrey, you're not much of a
physical specimen, but you can

hoard orange slices with the
best of 'em.

Here you go, bud.
Yay!

Do I get a trophy?
No, sweetie, these trophies

are for losers.
Go play with them.

Aw.
I'm coming for you, losers.

Yeah, uh, speaking of losers,
what happened to your pants

there, Jackson Pollack?
Did an alien finish on you?

(Jenny sighs)
I spilled some pesto.

When did you have pesto?
I dribbled in my pants.

I peed my pants a bit.
A small bit, it's just a

dribble.
That looks like a double

dribble, at least a walk.
Flagrant foul.

I was out of pee bibs, and I
was trying to check my lineup

and e at the same time.
Classic tinker tinkle.

(horn plays "La Cucaracha")
Oh, what is...?

What is this?
Heavy Pet...

Ha-ha.
God, what are you doing?

Gentlemen, the puppy party
has arrived.

You're driving around in a
van that says "Heavy Petting"?

Yeah.
You got to use a pun name in the

pet industry.
It's like a rule.

I was thinking about "Pup Pup
and Away" or "Pup Tents," but

market research pointed to this.
What market research, Taco?

Just me thinking about stuff.
That's not even a pun, Taco.

It's just a sex act.
Ugh, get your minds out of

the gutter, please.
Kids!

Who's up for some heavy petting?
Yay!

(dogs barking)

Well, hi, doggie doggie.
Oh, you're so...

Oh, he's smiling.
That means he likes you.

Oh, no, no.
Ew!

Yeah, yeah, bite the neck,
that's good.

Just like I taught you.
Jesus, Taco, half these dogs

can't walk.
Yeah, which means they're

great for petting.
They're not puppies, Taco,

they're just old dogs.
I don't know how old they

are, but I guarantee they're
puppies.

You know "puppy" is not a
breed?

No, it's an ethnicity, like
"Canadian" or "vampire."

This guy's a purebred puppy.
Purebred.

This guy's a mutt.
Half-puppy, half-poodle, I

think.
What you basically have here

is a mobile pet cemetery, and I
think that one might be a cat.

(cat meows)
Oh, do you think people will

notice?
Hey, your dog bit my kid.

No, no, he probably just gave
him a little "teeth hug."

Come on, Carson, we're
getting out of here.

What?
If it makes you feel any

better, that kid's a total bed
wetter.

(Taco sighs)
What did I tell you, puppies?

No biting.
Bad puppies.

(device buzzes, dogs bark)
Whoa, hey, stop.

Taco.
Taco, you don't need to do

all of 'em.
It's not Bow-schwitz.

They appreciate that I treat
'em all equally.

Rodney!
Excuse me, it's my nightmare

neighbor.
Oh, I love the dog wiener.

Oh, it's-it's "wiener dog,"
sweetheart.

No, it's a "puppy wiener."
Smile.

That'll be $40, please.
Everybody calls me Ruxin.

Well, I don't.
What do you want?

Your dogs have been peeing on
my lawn.

Not my problem, lady.
(dog growls)

Would you stop growling?
Bad dog.

(device buzzes, dog barks)
(whimper, thud)

Uh-oh.
I don't have any dogs.

Look!
Those are puppies.

They pee.
Stay with me, Zeke.

Do not go towards the light.
You stay.

Okay.
Clear!

You're such a liar!
That's why your wife left you.

She didn't leave me, she's on
vacation.

(laughing): Oh, right.
Okay, mouth to mouth.

No, stop, Taco.
Taco, oh, God.

Taco, that's enough.
Oh, where has that tongue

been?
These guys are gonna need so

much therapy.
Well, you know, if I find

another pee spot, I'm gonna slap
the dickens out of you!

Really?
All right, kids, grab a

shovel, we're gonna play "puppy
funeral."

Wh-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop the clock, stop the clock.

Your party's over.
We're not burying dogs with

these children around.
Well, is there a ditch we

could chuck it into?
Put him in the van.

No, there's already two dogs
in there.

Oh.
Mom, Dad, look at this

picture of me and Zoey.
Isn't she so cute?

Mm-hmm.
The elderly puppy is super cute,

but it is dinnertime now, babe,
please eat.

This is not dinner.
I don't know why we're calling

it that.
What?

What i-- what is this?
This is broccolini, tofu, and

kale?
I ca-- I can't do this, I need

protein.
You know what?

I did forget one thing.
I'll be back.

Is it dessert?
No, it's the vitamins.

Oh, not those green pills.
They taste like compost.

Um, babe, I got to use the
bathroom.

Okay.
(whispering): Hey, hey, come

on, let's go, follow me.
What?

Shh, just shh.
Me, too.

Okay.
What are we doing?

Shh.
Okay, go, go, go, go.

All right.
Listen, this is the quiet cave.

And you can never tell Mommy
what you sawn here, okay?

What's that?
Feast your eyes... on this.

Oh, Dad, it's gross.
No, no, no, no, it's covered

in plastic bags, and the water
in here is perfectly clean, and

Mommy will never think to look
inside here.

Ha-ha.
Ah.

So, milady, I ask you, care
to join me for a dinner party?

Why, I would love to join you
for a dinner party.

I'll set the table.
Uh-uh-uh, pinkies up when we eat

our licorice.
Cheers.

Oh, it seems you spilled a
little bit in the corner of your

mouth.
May I get that for you?

Oh, lovely.

Rodney!
(Ruxin groans)

Everybody calls me Ruxin.
Rodney?

Yes, Mrs. Hatch?
I told you before that I want

to keep your dogs off of my
lawn.

As I told you before, I don't
have any dogs.

So, I'm supposed to believe
that you're the one peeing on

the lawn?
Yeah, yeah, I'm peeing all

over your lawn.
That's wh...

Ow!
Oh, God!

Ow!
And I'm taking this bracelet,

too.
That's not a bracelet, it's

a...
Oh, no, it's mine.

It was on my property.
Thank you.

You know what, go ahead.
Keep it.

And keep the curtains of mine
that you're wearing as a dress.

Yes.
Hey, Pete, do you think maybe

later todawe can talk about
that trade?

You know, my head's just so
full right now.

I think maybe just finish off my
eight-hour online traffic school

and then we can talk about it,
okay?

Almost done.
Great.

You got it.
Thanks.

Why is Andre building you an
end table?

Well, the rest of my bedroom
set's already done.

This is the last piece.
You made him your trade maid.

Trade maid.
You sly little devil.

Mmm.
Guys, do you believe this?

You got to park 12 inches away
from the curb when you parallel

park.
Crazy.

Crazy.
Yeah, right?

I got the snacks, huh?
Yes!

Let's get rid of this healthy
crap, let's go.

Oh, yeah.
Why are these all wet?

'Cause I keep them in the
back of the toilet.

Oh!
What?

What... Why?
What?

I have to.
Jenny can't find out where I

keep it.
Huh? Licorice?

No, no, thanks.
I'll skip the crappetizers.

Yeah, no toilunch for me.
Andre?

Yeah?
Huh?

Oh, I love the gummies.
Yeah.

Why is this all wet?
Uh, freezer burn.

Oh. I love it.
Keep me cool.

Yeah, I know you do.
Gummies for dummies.

Yeah!
What the...?

Is that my scarf?
Aw, come on.

Um, your scarf?
Get up, come on.

What are you doing?
That is... No...

That is my, that is, that is
my scarf, okay?

(laughs)
Now, that is... (grunts)

This is my scarf, not a toy.
All right.

Go fetch, girl!
(laughs)

That is my hat.
Dude, I was doing you a

favor.
You are a brat, you know

that?
An inconsiderate brat.

Whoa, wait, watch it, Andre.
Hey, Andre, did I just walk

into my house and hear you yell
at my kid?

Yeah, 'cause she's being a
jackass.

Hey.
Yeah, well, she's our

jackass.
We made her that way.

Your daughter needs to be
punished, and that dog needs to

be put down.
Why don't we just wait a week

on the dog?
Yeah, where'd that puppy go?

The wiener ran away.
It's ironic, 'cause usually

wiener make a beeline for
Andre's buns.

Fives.
Fives.

Andre, you're a bad person.
You scared the puppy away.

Look, I am so sorry.
No!

Zoey?
Zoey!

Way to go, Andre.
(sighs)

She's the one who's throwing
my hat.

(Taco sighs)
I lost so many puppies this

week.
Mostly to death or something

called osteoporosis.

Hey, I think I've seen her
jumping rope in the

neighborhood.
Oh, that makes sense.

She does a lot of tricks.
What's "semi-trained"?

It means she's good with
number one, but she'll number

two just about anywhere.
Just plops them all over the

place.
How old is she?

Nine, I guess.
But she looks a lot older.

Uh, it gets her into trouble
quite a bit, as you can imagine.

Oh.
Oh, God, I hope she doesn't

come back pregnant.
Look, if you see her, can you

just grab her?
Like, she's gonna kick and

scream a lot, but just throw her
in a dark room, she'll calm

down, and then you give me a
call and I'll come pick her up.

You are sick.
You need medication.

Well, I got news for you,
sister, I'm already on a lot of

medication.
(Ruxin sighs)

Geoffrey, no!
Stop, Baby Geoffrey, stop.

I can't stop!
I know it's tough when you

get the pee train in motion,
buddy, but you got to stop.

Geoffrey, who taught you to do
that?

Uncle Rafi. He told me it
was bad to hold it in.

Yeah, but you can't pee on
people's lawns.

Especially Nanny Pacquiao's,
okay?

'Cause when you pee on green
grass, it turns it yellow.

(gasps) That's it!
Oh.

I think it's good.
I really thought we were

going to lunch.
This is lunch.

This is... this is salad
shake.

I want food, real food that
people consume.

Are you sure?
Yes.

Ew, what is that?
That's you.

How many pounds does it take to
change a lightbulb?

Oh, God.
Drink up.

Oy.
Oh, it tastes like the back

of a lawn mower.
Hey, buddy.

Hey.
You know him?

No. He was just staring at
us, though.

Maybe because you were
screaming about how horrible the

drinks are here.
Everyone here knows it's

horrible. They just...
They're buying into it.

That's how people...
No.

Oh, God.
No.

BOTH: No!
No, no, that's not...

Oh, my God.
She's our daughter.

Sweetheart, tell everyone
that we are your parents.

Yeah.
My real pents wouldn't make

me eat crap like this.
What? No.

No, no, no, you can eat
whatever you want-- ice cream.

Twinkies.
Ho Hos.

Gummy bears.
Skittles.

Whipped cream right in your
mouth. What do you want?

I want some of the sausage
Daddy showed me in the bathroom.

No! No, no.
Right, that's a secret.

No. Secret? Secrets.
All right, got to...

No. L's go, come on.
We got to go, we got to go.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey! Ow!

Hey, Daddy's little girl.
Ha, ha.

Ow! You're hurting me!
(grunts, breathes heavily)

Okay, that's most of the bedroom
set.

Great, can you return it to
the store, now, please?

Are you playing Minesweeper?
I told you how swamped I am,

Andre.
I need the stress relief.

This trade's never gonna
happen, is it?

Andre, this is the last favor
I need from you, okay?

Okay.
Thank you.

Little help?
Ooh, cleared the board.

(sighs)
Can no one change toilet

paper in this house?
Just...

Oh, my God.
He hit all of the toilet paper,

not one, just...
Hey, Jenny.

Hi. What the...?
(Taco sings)

Whoa!
Why is there food in my toilet?

Just the cheese is mine.
The rest of that junk is

Kevin's.
What?!

Brothers.
Always cramping your space.

See you later.

Kevin!
Hey, was Taco just...?

Oh, no.
You've been eating secret

meals on the toilet?
Not secret meals.

They're-they're crappetizers.
Oh, God.

Hey, um...
Oh, another elegant MacArthur

family meal.
Do you guys have any of those

vitamins that make your pee
green?

Yes. Please, take them.
Thank you.

Bon app?tit, Wolfgang Schmucks.
You're starving me out, here,

babe.
I'll make you a smoothie.

I don't want a smoothie.
I want salty, fat meat in my

mouth.
Pete's donger's available.

You had to see that one coming.

Is the dog gonna be okay?
Yeah, he'll be fine.

Took one of his wheels off so no
one would steal him.

Ah. Smart thinking.
Yeah. Eat up.

You know what you're going home
to.

Oh, at least I got my dad's
toilet food.

Your dad's a smart man.
Toilet tank's the best place to

keep food.
I got fruits and vegetables at

Ruxin's toilet.
I got, uh, cheese and meats at

Kevin's toilet.
Also have some hard-boiled eggs

and mayonnaise at a toilet down
at the, uh, Sears Tower in case

I'm downtown and want some egg
salad.

Whew!
That was a lot of food.

Real food.
Yeah.

Thanks for paying.
I'll get the next one.

Hey, can I have a ride home?
Sorry, kid.

No can do.
Headed downtown to find some new

puppies.
But... I don't know how to

get home.
Right.

I'm being irresponsible.
Here.

It's a compass.
"N" is this way, and I think

you live somewhere this way...
ish.

Hyah! Hyah! Let's go, boy.
Let's go.

Oh, my God, this is working.
(cackles)

Rodney!
Everybody calls me uxin."

I knew it was you who was
peeing on my lawn.

I'm fixing your lawn.
Put that little cocktail

weenie away.
I can't. Once the pee train's

left the station, there's no
turning back.

Well, I'll put it away for
you, here.

No!
Come here with that little

cocktail weenie, you...
No!

Come here. Come here! I'll
get that from you. Oh, get...

No, Mrs. Hatch.
I'll get that from you.

Always whining, always whining.

(imitates whining)
Hey, you keep whining, you're

gonna get zapped again.
Don't think I'm not gonna get

you, little Rodney.
No, stop it!

Give it to me.
Fine, you leave me no choice.

(Ruxin whimpers)
(yelling)

What the...?
Come on, what the hell's wrong

with this thing?
Hey, bad dog.

(groaning)
Whoa. What happened here, huh?

What's going on, Ruxin?

Not much. You know what.
I think the dog's still

growling.
What did I tell you?

Bad boy!
(zapping, groaning)

Hey, Sofia.

Hey, is that Ellie?
(Ellie cries quietly)

Hey, hey, little girl.
What's up?

Come on.
No.

Want a ride?
No!

What are you doing so far
away from home?

Taco left me.
Oh, well, come on, get in the

van, we'll have some fun.
Look...

No. I don't want to get in
the van.

I'm so sorry about the things
that happened between us, but,

look, I can't have you walk home
by yourself. I...

Get in the van.
I got... I got, uh... candy.

I don't want candy from you.
Five-four-five to Central.

I got eyes on a potential perp.
Vehicle says "Heavy Petting."

Ellie, I can't have you walk
home by yourself.

Your parents would kill me.
Uh-uh.

Okay, you know what?
That's it.

You're getting in the van.
Come with me.

No.
Come on, come on!

No, stop it!
Come on, get in the van.

Don't put me in the van!
I don't want to get in the van!

Just get in the van.
I'm moving in. I'm moving in.

Get in the van and be quiet.
I don't want to get in your van.

No!
Get in that van. There.

There! Stay in there, okay?
We're gonna play games, we're

gonna have fun.
I don't want to play games in

your van.
It's a secret between

me and you, that's it.
No one has to know.

You sick bastard!
(both grunt)

Hey, Pete, it's Andre.
Trade go through?

The trade did go through.
With Ted.

What?
But I did all those chores and

favors.
I helped clear your head.

I don't make trades with
alleged sex offenders.

And you did clear my head.
I really appreciate it.

And once my head was clear, I
realized that was a terrible trade.

Well, can you at least bail
me out of jail?

(whispers): Pete, they're
monsters in here.

They used part of my scarf as
toilet paper.

You know what. I'm totally underwater right now.
I'm slogging through e-mails.

Maybe later this afternoon,
okay?

Hello? Hello?

You realize you're literally
doing what a dog does right now?

Yeah. Jenny will never look in here.
Ooh, Ding Dongs.

Hey! Get your own pot.

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