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1
00:00:01,904 --> 00:00:03,847
Welcome back to the 2012
draft.
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00:00:03,961 --> 00:00:06,725
We've been talking about it for
months, so the next pick will
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00:00:06,845 --> 00:00:08,510
not come as a surprise.
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00:00:08,630 --> 00:00:12,180
It's going to be Robert Griffin
III, quarterback out of Baylor.
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See you soon. (Sighs)
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00:00:14,819 --> 00:00:16,717
Did it. Love you, Mom.
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Love you. Whew.
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Good job, man. Thanks, man.
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00:00:21,660 --> 00:00:24,892
Congratulations. How you doing, my man?
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00:00:24,896 --> 00:00:27,462
Have a good one. I'm gonna do that.
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00:00:27,466 --> 00:00:30,131
Crowd (Chanting): Rg3, rg3...
(Ruxin laughs)
12
00:00:30,135 --> 00:00:32,565
Hey.
Ruxin: Welcome to the league.
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Thanks, Commissioner. Yeah, here we go.
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00:00:35,044 --> 00:00:36,300
Uh-oh, what's this? There it is.
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00:00:36,420 --> 00:00:38,187
Here we go, Rob. (Griffin sighs)
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00:00:38,307 --> 00:00:40,729
Here it is. It's official.
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Bam. All right.
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00:00:42,683 --> 00:00:44,515
All right. Congratulations, Robert.
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Thank you.
All your hopes and dreams
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00:00:46,251 --> 00:00:49,481
have finally culminated in you
being a member of Pete top/Kevin
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00:00:49,601 --> 00:00:51,889
bottom.
I mean, all the hard work's
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00:00:51,892 --> 00:00:53,734
definitely paid off.
Those days of protein shakes and
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bad gas landed me on team Ruxin.
We're the best.
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Just how good do you think it can be?
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00:00:58,765 --> 00:01:02,530
I think, uh, Pete top/Kevin bottom can
definitely win the Shiva bowl. Whoa-ho.
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00:01:02,650 --> 00:01:06,264
Shiva komedi somakanakram, bitches!
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00:01:06,384 --> 00:01:08,609
And you don't find him
even remotely annoying?
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Actually I do not. I respect him.
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00:01:10,785 --> 00:01:12,712
That's right, Andre's on the clock.
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Suck it! Wait up, Rodney.
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00:01:15,883 --> 00:01:17,525
Man, why you telling people we're family?
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Next up in the 2012 draft,
it's the pick from the poorly
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named double entendres.
(Crowd booing)
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You suck. (Mic feedback screeches)
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Andre: Sorry. The double entendres select
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00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:34,747
Trent Richardson, running back, Alabama.
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Let's do this. Dodged a bullet on that one, huh?
Yeah, all right, I like that.
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There it is, yeah, put it on, right?
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Boom, double entendres.
Trent, I got to ask you, how
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00:01:45,646 --> 00:01:47,578
does it feel to be the newest
team member of a uninspired
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squad?
Worst feeling ever.
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I demand a trade.
Please, can you reconsider?
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Never. You won't regret this.
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00:01:54,685 --> 00:01:56,451
Yes, you will. Back it up, back it up.
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00:01:56,456 --> 00:01:57,883
Okay, first of all, who are you?
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His Mother. Okay, I am sorry.
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00:01:59,690 --> 00:02:01,544
Um, look, I'll draft the whole family.
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00:02:01,664 --> 00:02:03,226
I got a lot of positions.
No, no, not interested.
49
00:02:03,346 --> 00:02:05,063
You'd be a great kicker.
What did you call me?
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00:02:05,183 --> 00:02:06,390
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
What?
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00:02:06,510 --> 00:02:08,066
Is that a bad thing?
You little skinny MC Hammer.
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00:02:08,186 --> 00:02:09,406
Whoa! Well, this appears to be
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another draft day first.
Wonder what the Commissioner has
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to say about that. Rodney?
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00:02:14,569 --> 00:02:17,336
Sofia: Rodney, Rodney. Hmm.
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Rodney. Oh, call me Roger,
call me Roger. Roger?
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(Ruxin grunts) What happened?
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I drafted too early. Think I got
a second round pick coming.
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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Kevin: All right, this round is
brought to you by your Shiva
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bowl champion.
Pete: All right, take it
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easy, Rudy. Last season is definitely going
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to have an asterisk by it.
No, no asterisks.
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I earned it.
Ooh, Kevin McAsterisk.
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That has a nice ring to it.
Yes.
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They call Mr. McAsterisk.
No, they don't.
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Taco: Can I be Taco McAsterisk?
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You guys can be the McAsterisk brothers.
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Whoa, bam! Boo.
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What, come on, it's cool.
What, are we gonna do "talk"
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"to the hand" next?
Ooh, is that back in?
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Talk to the hand because
the face don't understand.
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I'm sorry that you have
to pleasure that monster.
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It must be unbearable for you. (Laughter)
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All right, I have a grievance here.
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You are the Sacko.
I would like to dole out Sacko
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punishments, but I'm not
allowed to all of a sudden?
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I think my punishment was
enough when I got a full-on
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stroke. Hey, which one of y'all is Kevin?
The one with the freakishly
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large head.
Uh, what the hell is this?
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This is my new online cowboy business.
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A division of Taco Corp.
Do you have some bad news for
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someone? Hire a cowboy to deliver the message.
Everything sounds better coming
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00:03:39,709 --> 00:03:43,375
from a cowboy. This one's for you, Kevin.
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00:03:43,379 --> 00:03:51,483
Kevin, the money you loaned Taco he
ain't payin' it back.
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I like it.
I need Howdy Doody to tell me that.
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Y'all have a good one. Bye.
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00:03:55,522 --> 00:03:57,822
I am going to make a fortune.
No, you're not going to make
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a fortune. It's time to talk football.
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00:03:59,762 --> 00:04:02,394
Commissioner, please, what is
our draft order this year?
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00:04:02,398 --> 00:04:07,066
Um, I am no longer the
Commissioner of this league.
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00:04:07,070 --> 00:04:10,368
Wait a second, if you're not
the Commissioner, who is?
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00:04:10,372 --> 00:04:13,706
Howdy, partners. Oh.
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00:04:13,710 --> 00:04:16,008
Oh, no, no. No, I told you, no cards.
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You son of a bitch.
So this is how you were able to
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hold onto your championship.
By the way, I don't like the "C"
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word, but this is collusion.
It is not collusion because
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I'm Commissioner and I'm
saying it's not collusion.
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00:04:27,254 --> 00:04:29,087
Kevin... you see what you've done here?
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00:04:29,092 --> 00:04:33,726
The concept of total
control is erotic to me.
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I am at full chub right now.
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Jenny (Sighs): So, how'd they take it?
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Not well.
Yeah?
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Draft gonna be next weekend still?
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Indeed. Shit, draft me a beautiful team next weekend.
Week after that, have a
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beautiful baby boy.
And I get to name him?
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That was the deal.
My beautiful boy.
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Mmm... mmm.
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I love you. I love you.
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Uh-uh, uh-uh, no, no, no. Doo-doo-doo.
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00:05:03,738 --> 00:05:04,905
What? Easy.
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Come on, Kevin, I'm not gonna explode.
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I just don't want my son that
close to my dick, I just don't.
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00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:12,603
How big do you think you are, Kevin?
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00:05:14,824 --> 00:05:19,329
I just feel like right now that tunnel
is outbound traffic only. Really?
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Yeah. Because my other outbound tunnel
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you have tried to go inbound on many times.
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Well, you're not in the car
during rush hour, and the
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traffic signs are very confusing.
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Oh, come on, I miss it.
I know, I miss it, too, I
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really do.
You want me just a little?
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00:05:33,944 --> 00:05:36,410
Look, look, look, look, look,
look at the proximity here.
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It's like they're whispering to each other.
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Don't you miss it?
I do.
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00:05:40,052 --> 00:05:41,715
Well, then, do something about it.
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00:05:41,719 --> 00:05:46,456
I tried watching pregnancy porn, but it
just grossed me out more. Okay, okay.
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00:05:46,576 --> 00:05:48,957
Come on, just get comfortable.
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00:05:48,961 --> 00:05:51,759
You should be on bed rest.
(Jenny groans)
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00:05:51,763 --> 00:05:53,894
Good night, my sweet love. Good night.
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00:05:53,898 --> 00:05:55,830
Did you say something?
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00:06:04,788 --> 00:06:05,896
Guess what.
What?
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00:06:06,136 --> 00:06:08,734
I got a new job.
Oh, look at that.
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00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:10,669
Congratulations, Pete.
Got rid of that dead-end
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pencil-pushing job.
No, no, not in life... in the
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league. Look, I figured, since the Sacko
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00:06:14,843 --> 00:06:17,464
Commissioner was going dormant
this year, I got myself a new
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00:06:17,584 --> 00:06:21,247
title. I am the custodian of the hall of records.
Custodian's fitting.
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00:06:21,249 --> 00:06:23,048
Look, the league web site has
this thing called the "league"
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"history" and it's been criminally ignored.
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00:06:25,981 --> 00:06:27,052
Think that's where I send my lineup.
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00:06:27,057 --> 00:06:29,422
Well, that's why you don't
have an actual lineup.
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00:06:29,424 --> 00:06:31,723
Anyhow, I filled our league
history page with factoids and
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little fun tidbits from our time together.
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That's a pretty solid idea, Pete.
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That's ni... oh, what the shit, man?
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It's a factoid. He posted naked
pictures of me. (Andre laughs)
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00:06:42,370 --> 00:06:46,118
Well, yeah, it's really just a
nice remembrance of the time
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when you used to get drunk in
college and run errands naked.
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00:06:48,207 --> 00:06:51,478
Whoa, w-wait, what is this?
"Women that Andre has slept"
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00:06:51,491 --> 00:06:52,588
with"? Oh, let me see that.
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00:06:52,708 --> 00:06:54,164
No, no, no, this is not a complete list.
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There's, like, only four people on here.
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I-I have slept with plenty of women.
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Taco, you want to back me up here?
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Yep, all four are there. Come on.
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00:06:59,935 --> 00:07:01,354
You guys see what Pete's doing?
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00:07:01,494 --> 00:07:04,892
He can't torture one of us as
the Sacko Commissioner, so he's
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00:07:04,896 --> 00:07:09,664
going to torture all of us by being the
custodian of the hall of records. Yes.
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Cards, ladies and gentlemen. Nice.
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Custodian. Okay, you can't just make up
jobs like this. Right, Commissioner?
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I am not your Commissioner.
If you want to talk to me, you
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can refer to me as your league
champion, and I have also made
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up some cards. Woo.
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What, did you guys all
get cards without me?
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Yep. Oh, Taco, who is "the Taco of"
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"the league." (Phone rings)
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Hello? This is Jerry Jones with the Cowboys.
Yeah, uh, o-okay, Jerry
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Jones. Yeah, and this is Dan Snyder.
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This is Jerry Jones, owner of the
Cowboys, and I need to speak
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to Taco. He owns something I want.
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00:07:43,001 --> 00:07:46,901
Um... it's Jerry Jones for Taco.
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Jerry Jones of, like, the
Dallas Cowboys Jerry Jones?
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Yeah, I highly doubt it.
Maybe it's Jenny Jones asking
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if he'll be on the show.
Dallas Cowboys. Oh.
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See, I figured the best place to
start my online Cowboys business
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was Dallas, and I was looking for
a web site to start it and I
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squatted on dallascowboys.com,
and I guess they let it lapse.
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00:08:05,457 --> 00:08:07,722
Wait, you own dallascowboys.com?
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Darn tootin'.
What?!
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00:08:09,759 --> 00:08:13,562
Hello? Hello? Hey! Hey! Put it on
speaker, speaker, speaker. Hello? Hello?
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00:08:13,566 --> 00:08:17,031
This is Taco, the person.
I want that dallascowboys.com
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back, and I'm prepared to pay for it.
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I don't do deals over the phone, Jerry.
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Why don't I fly you and your
friends to Cowboys training
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camp, watch a little practice,
meet some players, we'll talk a
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00:08:27,077 --> 00:08:30,978
little business. I can't imagine that
my friends would want to... what?!
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00:08:30,982 --> 00:08:32,214
Yes, we would! All right, fine.
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00:08:32,334 --> 00:08:34,915
My assistant, Marilyn, will
call you back with the details.
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00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,419
Is Marilyn hot?
What a bunch of morons.
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00:08:37,421 --> 00:08:41,296
I can't believe these frittatas get to
go to camp and we can't go. I can't go.
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00:08:41,416 --> 00:08:43,990
Babe! You're gonna go into
labor any minute... how can I
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leave you alone?
Do you remember what we did
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to Ruxin last year?
One of us has to make sure he
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00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:50,557
doesn't pull that same shit on us.
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You're going. If you are not
gonna stay here and make love to
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this beautiful body... Oh... what do I
do, what do I do? What are you gonna do?
197
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I'm gonna go. Thank you so much! Oh... Mm.
I love you. I love you. Go. Have fun.
198
00:09:04,750 --> 00:09:08,250
Okay. All right. Say hi
to Jason Witten. I will.
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00:09:08,254 --> 00:09:10,985
(Whispers): So hot. Oh. I won't.
200
00:09:10,989 --> 00:09:11,898
Good God.
201
00:09:18,764 --> 00:09:22,631
What's up, guys? Hey, fellas.
How you doing?
202
00:09:22,635 --> 00:09:25,300
Guys, ro-romo.
Tony...!
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00:09:25,304 --> 00:09:28,202
What's up, guy? (Whistle blows)
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00:09:28,206 --> 00:09:32,039
Right! Unbelievable.
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00:09:32,041 --> 00:09:34,040
I've always talked about going
to a training camp, and here we
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00:09:34,045 --> 00:09:39,140
are, Dallas Cowboys camp. Ooh...
Yes! I could do that.
207
00:09:39,260 --> 00:09:41,682
Play professional football?
Does that pay well?
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00:09:41,687 --> 00:09:43,163
Yeah. For, like, two or three years.
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00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:45,657
You know what, you may think
that this is great, but tonight
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00:09:45,777 --> 00:09:49,391
is even gonna be better because
I have yelp'd one of the best
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sea urchin spots in all of Oxnard.
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00:09:51,497 --> 00:09:53,494
Shut up, Andre.
All right, guys, I got to get to
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00:09:53,499 --> 00:09:55,129
my meeting with Jerry Earl Jones.
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00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:56,646
It's Jerry Jones. Jerry Earl Jones.
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00:09:56,766 --> 00:09:58,942
No, James Earl Jones was Darth Vader.
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00:09:59,062 --> 00:10:01,503
Yeah. Darth Vader owns the Dallas Cowboys.
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00:10:01,507 --> 00:10:03,705
Okay, that's fine. Lawyers?
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00:10:03,709 --> 00:10:05,124
Let's go.
(Chuckles): Okay.
219
00:10:05,244 --> 00:10:07,865
Taco's making deals.
I remember our deal, that your
220
00:10:07,985 --> 00:10:11,153
championship stands and I get
naming rights to your child.
221
00:10:11,273 --> 00:10:12,962
You weren't really serious about that.
222
00:10:13,082 --> 00:10:16,518
Dead serious. Fine. Fine.
223
00:10:16,522 --> 00:10:19,253
Okay, just don't name him
something stupid, please.
224
00:10:19,255 --> 00:10:21,322
No, I'll find something that
goes well with McAsterisk.
225
00:10:21,327 --> 00:10:23,525
Hey, assholes. Let's go, we're late.
226
00:10:23,529 --> 00:10:25,593
So, I see you've brought
along your two lawyers.
227
00:10:25,597 --> 00:10:27,340
Uh, this guy's my actual lawyer.
228
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:31,232
This underdressed human being
is my tagalong brother.
229
00:10:31,234 --> 00:10:33,701
Well, I can tell by this
business card here that I'm
230
00:10:33,706 --> 00:10:38,206
dealing with the cofounder
of the Taco Corporation.
231
00:10:38,210 --> 00:10:40,742
(Whispers): Should I respond?
You can respond.
232
00:10:40,744 --> 00:10:45,046
That is correct. Let's get down to brass tacks.
Jerry, my client has something
233
00:10:45,050 --> 00:10:48,182
that you want, and I'm sure
that we can reach a fair and
234
00:10:48,186 --> 00:10:50,184
agreeable price for that product.
235
00:10:50,186 --> 00:10:52,519
I don't know about this.
I may never have another idea as
236
00:10:52,524 --> 00:10:54,889
good as this one. That, I do not doubt.
237
00:10:54,893 --> 00:10:57,692
And just being here at this
training camp, I got to say,
238
00:10:57,694 --> 00:10:59,893
there are a lot of Cowboys out
there who'd be really good for
239
00:10:59,898 --> 00:11:01,963
my company.
So you really think my
240
00:11:01,967 --> 00:11:05,099
players had rather go tell
someone their dog had died or
241
00:11:05,103 --> 00:11:08,071
that they'd been fired than to
play professional football?
242
00:11:08,191 --> 00:11:11,008
They're both glamorous, but,
Jerry, I'm offering them a
243
00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:13,707
chance at a real career.
This is like talking to a
244
00:11:13,712 --> 00:11:15,574
mound of pudding.
On a good day, Sir.
245
00:11:15,694 --> 00:11:18,015
Butterscotch pudding.
(Groans): Oh.
246
00:11:18,135 --> 00:11:20,626
So, let's cut the crap.
How much is this gonna cost me?
247
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:23,818
Jer-bear, my client has a few
very specific demands...
248
00:11:23,822 --> 00:11:28,098
I want to be able to post whatever I
want on dallascowboys.com. Post what?
249
00:11:28,322 --> 00:11:31,893
Musings, pictures of shoes I
like, drawings of historical
250
00:11:31,897 --> 00:11:35,096
figures interacting with food
in unusual ways, portraits of
251
00:11:35,098 --> 00:11:38,733
people I know drawn from memory,
sex photos... No. What?
252
00:11:38,737 --> 00:11:40,039
Let me tell you how this is gonna happen.
253
00:11:40,159 --> 00:11:43,103
I'm gonna write a number down
on this piece of paper...
254
00:11:43,108 --> 00:11:47,341
And I drew a picture of myself
on this piece of paper.
255
00:11:47,345 --> 00:11:48,976
And this is going in the garbage.
256
00:11:48,980 --> 00:11:50,977
But that's a picture of me riding a tiger.
257
00:11:50,982 --> 00:11:53,681
No. He'll take this.
That works, that works.
258
00:11:53,685 --> 00:11:57,351
Taco, you just made $250,000. I'm sure he's
259
00:11:57,355 --> 00:11:58,942
gonna spend it wisely. That's a lot of
260
00:11:59,062 --> 00:12:01,288
butterscotch pudding.
Now, you chuckleheads, get
261
00:12:01,293 --> 00:12:06,428
your ass out of my office. And, you, put
that football back. Oh, this football.
262
00:12:06,432 --> 00:12:10,197
It's not mine. I'll put it back.
All right! Looking good!
263
00:12:10,201 --> 00:12:12,678
Well, Taco is rich.
Rich to Taco is, like, having
264
00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:15,710
20 bucks and a can of four loko.
No, like... you rich.
265
00:12:15,830 --> 00:12:18,840
How's it feel, Taco? Eh.
I've been rich before.
266
00:12:18,844 --> 00:12:21,509
Well, guys, money comes and
goes, but the draft order is
267
00:12:21,513 --> 00:12:24,011
forever. And as your Commissioner, I have
268
00:12:24,015 --> 00:12:26,781
devised an amazing way to figure it out.
269
00:12:26,785 --> 00:12:31,319
Okay, well, try and top this. Hey, Jason,
Felix, come on over, guys. Holy shit!
270
00:12:31,323 --> 00:12:33,788
What's up, fellas? How's it going?
271
00:12:33,792 --> 00:12:36,190
Hey, what's up? Good to see you, man.
272
00:12:36,192 --> 00:12:38,191
Hey, you must be Rodney.
You didn't play me last year
273
00:12:38,196 --> 00:12:39,745
against Tampa bay. What's up with that?
274
00:12:39,865 --> 00:12:42,730
It was a mistake on my part.
And everybody calls me Ruxin.
275
00:12:42,734 --> 00:12:44,731
Well, I'm gonna call you Rodney, Rodney.
276
00:12:44,734 --> 00:12:46,366
Well, I'm gonna call you Felix, Felix.
277
00:12:46,371 --> 00:12:48,009
Rodney. Felix.
278
00:12:48,129 --> 00:12:49,734
Rodney. Oh.
279
00:12:49,854 --> 00:12:51,578
Wait, how did you know who he was?
280
00:12:51,698 --> 00:12:53,807
Oh, he showed us the hall of records.
281
00:12:53,810 --> 00:12:55,642
It's amazing you guys are
putting all that stuff on the
282
00:12:55,647 --> 00:12:57,289
Internet. People actually look
283
00:12:57,409 --> 00:12:59,646
at that stuff, you know.
By the way, Kev, lost some
284
00:12:59,649 --> 00:13:01,247
weight since all those naked photos, huh?
285
00:13:01,252 --> 00:13:03,852
And I just want you guys to
know that I've totally, uh,
286
00:13:03,854 --> 00:13:05,853
slept with more than four women.
Like, it's more like
287
00:13:05,858 --> 00:13:08,222
upwards of five. Upwards of five?
288
00:13:08,226 --> 00:13:12,225
What's upwards mean? I totally, like,
French-kissed a nipple. Oh, my God.
289
00:13:12,230 --> 00:13:14,068
Right. All right.
We got you guys something.
290
00:13:14,188 --> 00:13:16,498
Jack. Ty. What's this?
291
00:13:16,502 --> 00:13:19,000
Oh... autographed, too?
292
00:13:19,004 --> 00:13:21,669
Gonna put this in the office.
Now that you guys got the
293
00:13:21,673 --> 00:13:24,038
football, try to score.
Wh-what do you mean?
294
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,172
You're gonna start on this end
of the field, you're gonna
295
00:13:26,175 --> 00:13:28,174
get to the other end zone,
with the ball, of course.
296
00:13:28,179 --> 00:13:30,378
Through the practice?
Yep, through the practice.
297
00:13:30,382 --> 00:13:34,382
First person in the end zone gets the
first pick in the draft. Whoa. Wait.
298
00:13:34,386 --> 00:13:36,584
Wait, are we gonna start...
(Air horn blares)
299
00:13:36,588 --> 00:13:39,854
Oh! Okay, all right!
300
00:13:39,858 --> 00:13:45,226
Why are we running?
Wait, wait... wait for me!
301
00:13:45,230 --> 00:13:47,529
Get out of here!
302
00:13:50,042 --> 00:13:53,234
Uh, coach Eckhart's here. Run, run!
303
00:13:53,238 --> 00:13:55,570
(Grunting) (Shouting)
304
00:13:55,574 --> 00:14:00,408
Run, Andre! (Andre screaming)
305
00:14:00,412 --> 00:14:02,443
(Grunts) Got him!
306
00:14:02,447 --> 00:14:05,046
(Laughing) Ow!
307
00:14:05,050 --> 00:14:07,982
Ha-ha! Up yours, Felix!
308
00:14:07,986 --> 00:14:09,984
Rodney! Eyes up!
309
00:14:09,988 --> 00:14:12,587
See what you're hitting, buddy.
Ha-ha-ha, I got this!
310
00:14:12,591 --> 00:14:15,122
Ho-ho-ho-ho! Aw, shit! Aw, shit!
311
00:14:15,126 --> 00:14:17,324
Come on! No, no, not today, buddy.
312
00:14:17,328 --> 00:14:19,393
You're looking tired, Rudy. Not today.
313
00:14:19,397 --> 00:14:25,332
Yeah, take care! Woo! Oh, yeah, first
pick, first pick, first pick! (Grunts)
314
00:14:25,336 --> 00:14:29,335
Oh! (Grunts) You don't steal from the
Cowboys, you don't score on the Cowboys.
315
00:14:29,340 --> 00:14:31,338
Aah! What?!
316
00:14:31,342 --> 00:14:36,277
N-nothing. I have a present for you,
Mr. Ratliff, Sir. Thank you. I got this.
317
00:14:36,281 --> 00:14:39,480
Streaker! Woo! Hey, come on, man!
318
00:14:39,484 --> 00:14:43,117
Taco, no one wants to see your junk.
319
00:14:43,121 --> 00:14:49,891
Second base... third base...
Home run! Woo! Woo! Yes!
320
00:14:50,011 --> 00:14:52,460
First pick of the draft! Ha-ha-ha!
321
00:14:52,464 --> 00:14:54,625
Unh, unh, unh, unh! What's your name?
322
00:14:54,745 --> 00:14:56,709
Brandon Carter.
You don't look like a kicker.
323
00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:58,994
But guess what? You're my first pick.
324
00:14:59,114 --> 00:15:00,853
Give me a hug. I'm not touching that.
325
00:15:00,973 --> 00:15:02,856
Ooh! Ooh! That is refreshing. Taco, here.
326
00:15:02,976 --> 00:15:06,291
Come on! Cover your taco
bells, please. Oh! Oh!
327
00:15:06,411 --> 00:15:08,814
I win! Suck it! Suck it! Hey!
328
00:15:08,934 --> 00:15:12,714
Mr. Jones is willing to let you use his
private plane to go home. Yeah! Yeah!
329
00:15:12,718 --> 00:15:13,851
Cool! If you leave right now.
330
00:15:13,971 --> 00:15:16,450
Oh. We go that way then?
331
00:15:16,454 --> 00:15:21,089
Go! Oh, the exit... Okay. See you guys.
I knew I could play football!
332
00:15:33,241 --> 00:15:36,039
Ugh! Those shit sippers.
333
00:15:37,071 --> 00:15:40,704
They're at goddamn cowboy camp
right now, and I'm just here,
334
00:15:40,708 --> 00:15:44,074
beached. You know what? Fine.
335
00:15:44,078 --> 00:15:48,178
Mama's just gonna stay here by herself...
and get happy.
336
00:15:48,182 --> 00:15:53,583
Mmm. Oh, yeah!
337
00:15:53,587 --> 00:15:55,587
Ah! Oh, yeah.
338
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,529
Okay. Hey, Jenny.
339
00:16:03,649 --> 00:16:05,843
It's Jason Witten. Hey, Jason.
340
00:16:05,963 --> 00:16:08,718
How you doing? I'd love to be on your team.
341
00:16:08,838 --> 00:16:11,578
Yeah, you can be on my team, Jason.
342
00:16:12,252 --> 00:16:14,808
Hey, Jenny. What's up, girl?
This is Desean.
343
00:16:14,928 --> 00:16:18,421
Oh, hey, Desean. You draft me, I'm talking
344
00:16:18,425 --> 00:16:21,355
about two touchdowns a game.
Oh, I want all your TDS.
345
00:16:21,475 --> 00:16:23,068
And don't forget about the punt returns.
346
00:16:23,188 --> 00:16:27,930
Oh, I won't. Oh, shit!
347
00:16:27,934 --> 00:16:30,299
Desean Jackson! Kevin!
348
00:16:30,303 --> 00:16:32,262
I-I won't say anything.
It's cool. I'll just watch.
349
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:36,138
No. Get out of here.
Desean is the only man I want
350
00:16:36,142 --> 00:16:42,177
to talk to right now. Oh, God, my team's
gonna be so good this year. Hi, Jenny.
351
00:16:42,181 --> 00:16:46,081
Shiva? It's me, Shiva.
352
00:16:46,085 --> 00:16:49,351
(Laughing): Oh, my God! Wow.
353
00:16:49,355 --> 00:16:52,822
You know, you're the only one
of these shit-sipping frittatas
354
00:16:52,826 --> 00:16:55,658
I can relate to?
Oh, my God, is this my year?
355
00:16:55,662 --> 00:16:58,828
It's our year. Totally.
356
00:16:58,832 --> 00:17:01,096
Totally. Totally!
357
00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:03,533
Totally. Totally.
358
00:17:03,537 --> 00:17:07,336
Totally. Oh, Shiva!
359
00:17:07,340 --> 00:17:15,110
Mmm. Oh, you know what? I don't...
Oh, no, it's good. Awesome!
360
00:17:15,114 --> 00:17:17,007
No, Kevin. It's my fantasy. Go away!
361
00:17:17,127 --> 00:17:23,018
(Kevin whoops) Um... this isn't
really gonna work for me. No. Shiva!
362
00:17:23,022 --> 00:17:25,387
God, Kevin! Oh, come on, Jenny!
363
00:17:25,391 --> 00:17:29,559
(Jenny sighs) Jenny? Jenny?
364
00:17:29,563 --> 00:17:31,694
Jenny? Oh, God, Kevin, go away!
365
00:17:31,696 --> 00:17:35,565
Jenny? Jenny? Oh, Shiva! Shiva! Oh, Shi...
Jenny, stop it. Stop doing it.
366
00:17:35,569 --> 00:17:38,367
Shiva komedi somakanakram.
Jenny... come on, babe.
367
00:17:38,371 --> 00:17:40,369
Listen. Hello! Oh, my God!
368
00:17:40,373 --> 00:17:42,404
Hello?! Oh!
369
00:17:42,408 --> 00:17:44,405
What are you doing?!
You don't recognize your own
370
00:17:44,410 --> 00:17:46,407
wife's vinegar strokes?
I wasn't doing that.
371
00:17:46,410 --> 00:17:49,262
Whoa. It's onto her and her baby's soul...
both not great.
372
00:17:49,382 --> 00:17:53,262
No. Jenny, you were flicking that bean
like mean Joe Greene. No, I wasn't.
373
00:17:53,382 --> 00:17:55,248
Your pants are all wet. Oh, my God.
374
00:17:55,251 --> 00:17:59,253
I think my water just broke. Is that
how a lady says she's coming? What?
375
00:17:59,255 --> 00:18:01,254
I think I'm having the baby.
Right-right-right now?
376
00:18:01,259 --> 00:18:03,290
(Laughing): Yeah.
Okay, if it's amniotic fluid,
377
00:18:03,292 --> 00:18:05,124
it will smell sweet. Let me take a look.
378
00:18:05,129 --> 00:18:06,643
(Jenny yells) Stop it!
What? What?
379
00:18:06,763 --> 00:18:07,958
You're doing really well.
380
00:18:08,078 --> 00:18:09,367
You're about eight centimeters dilated.
381
00:18:09,503 --> 00:18:13,301
Oh! Continue to breathe through it...
breathe in and out. Doing great, babe.
382
00:18:13,306 --> 00:18:15,304
Steady breathing. Okay.
383
00:18:15,306 --> 00:18:17,238
What's the word? It's been 14 hours.
384
00:18:17,241 --> 00:18:19,207
This baby's not coming out.
Look, draft's about to start.
385
00:18:19,212 --> 00:18:21,310
You coming or what?
Just hold on one second.
386
00:18:21,314 --> 00:18:23,379
Nice. How are those contractions?
387
00:18:23,383 --> 00:18:25,381
Oh. Oh! Oh.
388
00:18:25,385 --> 00:18:28,511
They feel kind of like
that every couple minutes.
389
00:18:28,631 --> 00:18:30,584
About every three minutes. Thank you.
390
00:18:30,588 --> 00:18:32,585
(Jenny sighs) We're not gonna make it.
391
00:18:32,588 --> 00:18:35,032
Whatever, caption auto draft.
Has the draft started?
392
00:18:35,152 --> 00:18:36,951
Yeah, but you know what?
We'll do the draft from here.
393
00:18:36,956 --> 00:18:39,154
Yeah. I got a phone. Okay, good.
394
00:18:39,156 --> 00:18:41,121
Oh, here we go. Don't worry. Really. Okay.
395
00:18:41,124 --> 00:18:42,990
Okay, good, good, good, breathe. Breathe.
396
00:18:42,993 --> 00:18:44,051
All right, this is good.
Breathe and tell me your
397
00:18:44,171 --> 00:18:44,970
thoughts on Adrian Peterson. What?
398
00:18:45,106 --> 00:18:46,273
Where are you picking? Third.
399
00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:48,883
Are you crazy?! God. I know.
I don't know. I...
400
00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:51,441
He's on the B.U.B. still. Mr.
McArthur, can we let her
401
00:18:51,446 --> 00:18:54,402
concentrate here, please? Yes, of course.
402
00:18:54,522 --> 00:18:56,521
Adrian Peterson's a beast,
but it did happen week 16.
403
00:18:56,526 --> 00:18:58,723
What do you think about that ACL?
404
00:18:58,727 --> 00:19:00,345
Listen to me! You are about to become the
405
00:19:00,465 --> 00:19:03,261
father of a boy, and I would be
remiss in my duties if I did not
406
00:19:03,264 --> 00:19:05,663
tell you that I think Adrian
Peterson, any time before the
407
00:19:05,668 --> 00:19:09,795
third round, is nuts. Yup.
408
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:12,868
No running back has ever come
back from an ACL to have a good
409
00:19:12,988 --> 00:19:15,096
season the following year
with the exception of deuce
410
00:19:15,218 --> 00:19:17,766
McAllister, and he was 22
years old at the time.
411
00:19:17,886 --> 00:19:19,883
Just what he said.
What kind of league is this,
412
00:19:19,888 --> 00:19:20,893
anyway? It's an eight-man league.
413
00:19:21,013 --> 00:19:23,887
That's child's play.
Let's focus on this, okay?
414
00:19:23,890 --> 00:19:25,889
Yes. Oh, oh. Oh, here we go!
Okay, keep breathing.
415
00:19:25,894 --> 00:19:26,551
Keep breathing now. Okay, here it comes.
416
00:19:26,671 --> 00:19:28,201
Now don't push.
Get your mitt and your pail.
417
00:19:28,318 --> 00:19:30,187
Get it out. We don't use... We
don't use a mitt or a pail.
418
00:19:30,307 --> 00:19:31,847
Having my baby. Let's get this baby out.
419
00:19:31,967 --> 00:19:32,989
Let's keep breathing here. Come on, baby.
420
00:19:33,229 --> 00:19:34,379
There you go... hey, hey, hey!
421
00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:36,431
Let's get ready to draft!
Excuse me. You guys have to
422
00:19:36,434 --> 00:19:39,461
wait outside. Well, the Commissioner is
423
00:19:39,555 --> 00:19:41,754
requiring that we draft here. (Taco whoops)
424
00:19:41,756 --> 00:19:45,196
All right, I love hospital parties.
Where is the bar?
425
00:19:45,316 --> 00:19:46,462
(Jenny gasps and groans) There's no bar.
426
00:19:46,582 --> 00:19:48,727
It's a hospital. It's America.
427
00:19:48,847 --> 00:19:50,490
There's always a bar. This cannot happen.
428
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,587
You people cannot be in here.
No. They can stay.
429
00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:54,589
I want to make my own first-round pick.
430
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:58,474
Oh, God! Okay, the baby is descending.
431
00:19:58,594 --> 00:20:00,458
It's time to push. All right!
432
00:20:00,462 --> 00:20:03,238
It's happening? Hey, Jenny, what's the
wifi password? (Jenny groans loudly)
433
00:20:03,358 --> 00:20:04,600
Is that all caps or lower case?
434
00:20:04,711 --> 00:20:06,710
Doc, I'm gonna use the
bassinet for these stickers.
435
00:20:06,713 --> 00:20:10,742
They're basically sterile.
The bar is officially open.
436
00:20:10,862 --> 00:20:13,282
Who wants a screwdriver?
Okay, the baby is crowning.
437
00:20:14,189 --> 00:20:17,574
Oh, looking good, Jenny!
Hey, get back behind the line
438
00:20:17,694 --> 00:20:19,435
of scrimmage! Off sides, Andre!?
439
00:20:19,555 --> 00:20:20,713
Fine. Go!
440
00:20:21,070 --> 00:20:22,080
Shh, shh, shh. It's really good.
441
00:20:22,171 --> 00:20:26,632
So the Commissioner announces
that the draft will begin now.
442
00:20:26,752 --> 00:20:29,350
Jenny, I need you to ignore
your bullshit eight-man league
443
00:20:29,470 --> 00:20:31,068
and focus on your baby, please.
Yeah, just breathe.
444
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:33,094
Oh, I can do both.
With the first pick in the
445
00:20:33,098 --> 00:20:35,863
draft, we have Taco.
And with my first pick, I
446
00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:38,666
would like to announce a trade. What?!
447
00:20:38,670 --> 00:20:40,145
What? Really?
448
00:20:40,265 --> 00:20:44,702
A trade? A who done it? Well, I'll
tell you who done did it. Oh.
449
00:20:44,950 --> 00:20:47,381
Arian Foster. Puh-pwap! No!
450
00:20:47,385 --> 00:20:49,120
Oh! Come on!
451
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,421
You traded away your
first-round draft pick?
452
00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:53,419
What did you get in return? Naming rights.
453
00:20:53,539 --> 00:20:56,157
What? Kevin?! Push, Jenny, push!
454
00:20:56,159 --> 00:20:57,912
(Plays note on harmonica) That's it.
Push for me! Push!
455
00:20:58,032 --> 00:20:59,873
One big push! Howdy, y'all.
456
00:20:59,993 --> 00:21:02,395
What the hell is this?
Is that cowboy sterile?
457
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:06,567
I doubt it.
There's a new Sheriff in town... Come on, push, Jenny.
458
00:21:06,571 --> 00:21:11,139
Try to ignore them.
No! I don't want it like this!
And this cowpoke's name
459
00:21:11,143 --> 00:21:18,192
is Chalupa Batman McArthur...
What the hell, Kevin?!
460
00:21:18,312 --> 00:21:20,710
Push. Push. Good. Push.
461
00:21:20,830 --> 00:21:23,450
One more big push, Jenny. There you go!
462
00:21:23,570 --> 00:21:26,354
(All talking at once) (Cheering)
463
00:21:26,474 --> 00:21:30,465
We have a son!
Chalupa Batman McArthur!
464
00:21:30,585 --> 00:21:31,770
(Baby cries, Taco whoops) Oh!
465
00:21:31,890 --> 00:21:34,115
See? Everything sounds
better coming from a cowboy.
466
00:21:34,235 --> 00:21:37,525
Oh, fuck you guys.
It is decided.
467
00:21:37,645 --> 00:21:41,344
Chalupa Batman.
Both: Yee-haw!
468
00:21:42,937 --> 00:21:53,783
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
469
00:21:53,833 --> 00:21:58,383
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39325
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