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1
00:00:01,397 --> 00:00:05,168
RUXIN: And so we have reached the final
week of the season before the playoffs.
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00:00:05,288 --> 00:00:09,180
Somehow, Kevin and Jenny are
already in, leaving two spots to
3
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:12,257
be decided by these last two games.
4
00:00:12,377 --> 00:00:13,602
TACO: I thought the season was over.
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00:00:13,604 --> 00:00:15,438
In one game, we've got Pete and Taco.
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00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:17,108
I think we all know how
that one's gonna end.
7
00:00:17,110 --> 00:00:17,909
You can see into the future?
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00:00:17,911 --> 00:00:19,711
PETE: Victory all but certain.
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00:00:19,713 --> 00:00:21,813
And in the other game, we've
got the league champion, the
10
00:00:21,815 --> 00:00:24,918
people's champion, moi...
Really?
11
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:25,919
(Andre scoffs)
12
00:00:25,921 --> 00:00:29,956
...vs. Andre, otherwise
known as the James...
13
00:00:29,958 --> 00:00:32,926
...Bondres, a double-oh winner.
14
00:00:32,928 --> 00:00:36,464
Andre, I am going to
savage you this week.
15
00:00:36,466 --> 00:00:40,603
I am going to take each one of
your pre-existing holes and fill
16
00:00:40,605 --> 00:00:43,873
it with my seed...
ELLIE: I want to see, I want to see.
17
00:00:43,875 --> 00:00:44,774
KEVIN: Oh, no, no, no, honey.
18
00:00:44,776 --> 00:00:45,709
Daddy's doing adult talk.
19
00:00:45,711 --> 00:00:48,011
...and then invite my infant
son in to go potty inside of
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00:00:48,013 --> 00:00:51,582
you, like you're a rest stop bathroom.
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00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:52,416
Blimey.
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00:00:52,418 --> 00:00:53,250
No.
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00:00:53,252 --> 00:00:54,551
That's disgusting.
24
00:00:54,553 --> 00:00:55,819
You guys hearing this?
25
00:00:55,821 --> 00:00:59,790
Andre, I'm going to take my
hand, stick it inside of you,
26
00:00:59,792 --> 00:01:03,860
and then open it like a
baseball mitt, and then...
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00:01:03,862 --> 00:01:05,896
So you know why you're here in HR.
28
00:01:05,898 --> 00:01:06,730
I'm getting a raise?
29
00:01:06,732 --> 00:01:10,334
You are not allowed to use
company e-mail or software to
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00:01:10,336 --> 00:01:13,404
deliver your personal
disgusting messages.
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00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:16,541
This was actually...
just rehearsing my closing arguments
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00:01:16,543 --> 00:01:17,909
for an upcoming case.
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00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:20,980
Where in the court of law do you
use the phrase-- let me get
34
00:01:20,982 --> 00:01:23,116
this right-- "balls-deep"?
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00:01:23,118 --> 00:01:24,117
Well, if you must know, Mr.
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00:01:24,119 --> 00:01:27,421
Swale, we're representing
a children's playground
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00:01:27,423 --> 00:01:30,291
consortium, and a number of
children drowned in a ball pit.
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We were wondering how
deep is balls deep?
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They were up to their mouth in balls.
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00:01:36,132 --> 00:01:36,931
Yes.
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00:01:36,933 --> 00:01:38,132
They were balls-deep.
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00:01:43,339 --> 00:01:48,342
to your ball sack, and then open
it up like a taco... Disgusting.
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00:01:48,344 --> 00:01:50,444
Years from now, they're going
to think that's poetry.
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00:01:50,564 --> 00:01:53,896
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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00:01:54,016 --> 00:01:57,552
Because of that HR asshole, I
have no computer access to
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00:01:57,554 --> 00:01:58,619
league activities.
47
00:01:58,621 --> 00:02:00,955
So I'm using my old
personal e-mail address.
48
00:02:00,957 --> 00:02:04,453
- Herdsman@earthlink.net?
- No.
49
00:02:04,573 --> 00:02:05,895
Yahyah@yahoo.com?
50
00:02:05,897 --> 00:02:07,563
If you must know...
Mm-hmm?
51
00:02:07,565 --> 00:02:09,833
It's "theruxster18@hotmail.com"
52
00:02:09,835 --> 00:02:10,734
(laughing)
53
00:02:10,736 --> 00:02:11,701
Yes!
54
00:02:11,703 --> 00:02:12,803
I can't tell what's funnier:
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00:02:12,805 --> 00:02:15,406
is it that you chose "The Ruxster,"
or is it that you have
56
00:02:15,408 --> 00:02:16,707
an actual Hotmail account?
57
00:02:16,709 --> 00:02:19,143
The official e-mail of
foreigners and poor people.
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00:02:19,145 --> 00:02:19,910
Ah!
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00:02:19,912 --> 00:02:21,479
Cheerio, there, mates!
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00:02:21,481 --> 00:02:23,514
It's your good old mate Andre.
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00:02:23,516 --> 00:02:24,582
How are you?
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00:02:24,584 --> 00:02:25,416
Wow.
63
00:02:25,418 --> 00:02:28,652
Oh, my God...
Did we just win the lottery?
64
00:02:28,654 --> 00:02:30,888
You know, I just spent some
time across the pond.
65
00:02:30,890 --> 00:02:33,892
You were at a cap implant conference
in London for three days.
66
00:02:33,894 --> 00:02:36,828
Say what you will, but it works
very good with the birds.
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00:02:36,830 --> 00:02:38,430
Danielle.
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00:02:38,432 --> 00:02:40,866
Wow, you really out-kicked
your cover there.
69
00:02:40,868 --> 00:02:41,767
Yeah, you're telling me.
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00:02:41,769 --> 00:02:43,703
We should get her body and
show it at Lloyd's of London.
71
00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:44,704
Hey, boys, let's not do that.
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00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:45,538
Hi!
73
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:46,372
Hi.
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00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:47,206
How are you?
75
00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:47,941
Good to see you.
76
00:02:47,943 --> 00:02:48,942
It's so good to see you.
77
00:02:48,944 --> 00:02:49,776
This is Kevin.
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00:02:49,778 --> 00:02:50,610
Hi, how are you?
79
00:02:50,612 --> 00:02:51,444
Hi. Danielle.
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00:02:51,446 --> 00:02:52,278
It's nice to meet you.
81
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:53,946
This is the Legend of Bagger Vance.
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00:02:53,948 --> 00:02:54,880
Ah, good day, my lady.
83
00:02:54,882 --> 00:02:55,881
Oh, you must be Andre.
84
00:02:55,883 --> 00:02:56,715
Mm.
85
00:02:56,717 --> 00:03:00,352
Uh, this is The Ruxster18, he
can be found at hotmail.com.
86
00:03:00,354 --> 00:03:01,219
Wow.
87
00:03:01,221 --> 00:03:04,121
When I fire up my Mac Classic,
I will send you an e-mail.
88
00:03:04,123 --> 00:03:04,889
Boop, boop, boop, boop.
89
00:03:04,891 --> 00:03:05,790
(laughs)
90
00:03:05,792 --> 00:03:07,558
Cheerio!
91
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:08,459
Totally weird.
92
00:03:08,461 --> 00:03:11,829
And speaking of weird, I got a
text from you that I need an
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00:03:11,831 --> 00:03:13,565
explanation for.
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00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:15,733
It said, "I cannot wait
to kill you later."
95
00:03:15,735 --> 00:03:16,567
That is terrible.
96
00:03:16,569 --> 00:03:17,802
That is an auto-correct.
97
00:03:17,804 --> 00:03:20,472
That's supposed to say, "I
wanted to kiss you..."
98
00:03:20,474 --> 00:03:22,908
Aw... No, no, don't, no... You guys!
99
00:03:22,910 --> 00:03:23,909
A smooch before bed.
100
00:03:23,911 --> 00:03:24,910
That is so cute.
101
00:03:24,912 --> 00:03:27,379
And, actually, that would explain
why you texted me asking
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00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:29,749
how I felt about "Alan Six."
103
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:30,584
Now that makes sense.
104
00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:32,319
No, no, no, that... that was a joke.
105
00:03:32,321 --> 00:03:33,153
I was kidding about that.
106
00:03:33,155 --> 00:03:33,920
Wow!
107
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:35,254
Little early for the "Alan"
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00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:36,489
conversation, wouldn't you say?
109
00:03:36,491 --> 00:03:38,525
You usually don't propose that till...
a bottle of wine
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00:03:38,527 --> 00:03:39,826
and a warm bath.
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00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:41,495
And a little bit of coke, like.
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00:03:41,497 --> 00:03:43,497
I don't think it's for me,
but like I can get you a
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00:03:43,499 --> 00:03:45,766
beautiful strand of "Alan" beads
for Christmas if you like.
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00:03:45,768 --> 00:03:46,600
Oh, don't start.
115
00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:47,434
Ha!
116
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:48,268
Don't start.
117
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:49,336
Nicely done.
118
00:03:49,338 --> 00:03:50,504
This place is great.
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00:03:50,506 --> 00:03:53,441
Who's the, uh, the little girl
she's hanging out with, there?
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00:03:53,443 --> 00:03:54,776
JENNY: Oh, it's Chloe.
121
00:03:54,778 --> 00:03:56,277
Oh... Chloe.
122
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:56,945
BFF of the week.
123
00:03:56,947 --> 00:03:57,946
Mm-hmm.
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00:03:57,948 --> 00:04:00,949
I spoke to her parents; we've
arranged a sleepover for Friday.
125
00:04:00,951 --> 00:04:01,883
Oh.
126
00:04:01,885 --> 00:04:02,784
Uh-huh.
127
00:04:02,786 --> 00:04:03,886
A Sleepover is a big move.
128
00:04:03,888 --> 00:04:06,322
Yes, it is, it's a huge... Oh, my God.
129
00:04:06,324 --> 00:04:07,523
Are those her parents?
130
00:04:07,525 --> 00:04:09,292
I just spoke to them on the phone.
131
00:04:09,294 --> 00:04:10,426
I know Chloe's father.
132
00:04:10,428 --> 00:04:12,295
I prosecuted him a couple years ago.
133
00:04:12,297 --> 00:04:13,496
I put him in jail for two years.
134
00:04:13,498 --> 00:04:14,530
What?
135
00:04:14,532 --> 00:04:15,531
Oh, God, he's coming over.
136
00:04:15,533 --> 00:04:16,364
They're coming over!
137
00:04:16,366 --> 00:04:18,132
Just... They're coming over here.
138
00:04:18,134 --> 00:04:19,100
Just be cool.
139
00:04:19,102 --> 00:04:19,901
(children giggling)
140
00:04:19,903 --> 00:04:20,902
Hey!
141
00:04:20,904 --> 00:04:21,836
Hello.
142
00:04:21,838 --> 00:04:23,437
This is Chloe.
143
00:04:23,439 --> 00:04:24,271
Hello.
144
00:04:24,273 --> 00:04:25,205
(clears throat)
145
00:04:25,207 --> 00:04:25,906
(giggles)
146
00:04:25,908 --> 00:04:27,908
Sweetheart, do you want to go
grab your shoes and your bag?
147
00:04:27,910 --> 00:04:29,342
Okay, Mommy.
148
00:04:29,344 --> 00:04:31,811
Why don't you go help
Chloe with her shoes?
149
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:32,813
Okay.
150
00:04:32,815 --> 00:04:33,647
Hi!
151
00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:34,481
Hi. Jenny.
152
00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:35,315
Gavin.
153
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:36,149
So nice to meet you.
154
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,317
So nice to meet you, too.
155
00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:38,618
Hi, I'm Kevin.
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00:04:38,620 --> 00:04:40,353
It's also nice... Yeah, no, I know.
157
00:04:40,355 --> 00:04:42,122
I know who you are.
158
00:04:42,124 --> 00:04:43,223
You don't remember me?
159
00:04:43,225 --> 00:04:44,224
Uh... Jamba Juice?
160
00:04:44,226 --> 00:04:45,192
No.
161
00:04:45,194 --> 00:04:46,293
(laughs)
162
00:04:46,295 --> 00:04:49,830
You got me sent away for
two years, on assault.
163
00:04:49,832 --> 00:04:50,731
Oh.
164
00:04:50,733 --> 00:04:51,865
How about that, huh?
165
00:04:51,867 --> 00:04:52,833
Small world.
166
00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:53,834
Supermall.
167
00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:54,669
Gavin!
168
00:04:54,671 --> 00:04:55,670
Yes.
169
00:04:55,672 --> 00:04:57,505
Uh, but hey, don't worry
about it, though.
170
00:04:57,507 --> 00:04:58,873
Look, I did my time.
171
00:04:58,875 --> 00:04:59,708
Okay.
172
00:04:59,710 --> 00:05:01,843
I am a family man.
173
00:05:01,845 --> 00:05:02,678
Beautiful family.
174
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:03,512
Likewise.
175
00:05:03,514 --> 00:05:04,547
Thank you.
176
00:05:04,549 --> 00:05:05,381
How did time go?
177
00:05:05,383 --> 00:05:06,883
How was your... Please stop.
178
00:05:06,885 --> 00:05:10,719
How did the time... Oh, it was, uh...
kind of... rape-y.
179
00:05:10,721 --> 00:05:11,554
Oh.
180
00:05:11,556 --> 00:05:12,388
Oh.
181
00:05:12,390 --> 00:05:13,222
Yeah.
182
00:05:13,224 --> 00:05:14,890
Were you the rape-er or the rape-ee?
183
00:05:14,892 --> 00:05:17,426
Kevin... Did you get... No.
184
00:05:17,428 --> 00:05:18,360
I was the rape-ee, actually.
185
00:05:18,362 --> 00:05:19,194
Yeah.
186
00:05:19,196 --> 00:05:19,895
That's horrible.
187
00:05:19,897 --> 00:05:21,696
How were the pickup basketball games?
188
00:05:21,698 --> 00:05:25,200
Because I've heard they're... Violent.
189
00:05:25,202 --> 00:05:26,235
Well.
190
00:05:26,237 --> 00:05:27,970
Ellie is super excited to have
Chloe over for Friday night's
191
00:05:27,972 --> 00:05:28,904
sleepover.
192
00:05:28,906 --> 00:05:29,738
Oh, my God, yeah.
193
00:05:29,740 --> 00:05:30,572
No, I'm so excited.
194
00:05:30,574 --> 00:05:31,406
So great meeting you.
195
00:05:31,408 --> 00:05:32,240
You, too.
196
00:05:32,242 --> 00:05:33,241
Have a great night.
197
00:05:33,243 --> 00:05:35,777
Great seeing you.
198
00:05:35,779 --> 00:05:38,204
That was...
That went poorly.
199
00:05:41,594 --> 00:05:44,300
So, this sleepover's really
happening, with this ex-con's kid.
200
00:05:44,420 --> 00:05:46,965
He did his crime, he did his
time, you did your job, there's
201
00:05:46,967 --> 00:05:48,166
nothing wrong with that.
202
00:05:48,168 --> 00:05:51,431
And that would be fine, if that
was all of the information.
203
00:05:51,565 --> 00:05:52,354
What'd you do?
204
00:05:52,384 --> 00:05:54,155
All right, this is what happened:
205
00:05:54,389 --> 00:05:56,393
We're in the courthouse,
he's being processed.
206
00:05:56,519 --> 00:06:00,288
I'm just hoping I don't get Judge Lambert,
because she can be... (phone beeps)
207
00:06:00,290 --> 00:06:02,991
As he's being led away, I get
a text message from Jenny.
208
00:06:02,993 --> 00:06:04,325
(laughs)
209
00:06:04,327 --> 00:06:08,997
It said, "A pen just
exploded in my vag."
210
00:06:08,999 --> 00:06:12,333
And then I realized she meant
"bag," and it autocorrected.
211
00:06:12,335 --> 00:06:14,736
(laughing)
212
00:06:14,738 --> 00:06:17,838
So now Gavin looks at me, and the
last image he sees before he
213
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,342
heads off to jail for two years...
What's wrong with you?
214
00:06:20,344 --> 00:06:21,276
...is me laughing.
215
00:06:21,278 --> 00:06:22,110
Oh, no, no.
216
00:06:22,112 --> 00:06:22,944
No, no.
217
00:06:22,946 --> 00:06:23,845
This is bad.
218
00:06:23,847 --> 00:06:24,946
That's like Cape Fear shit.
219
00:06:24,948 --> 00:06:27,915
That's why you've just confirmed
my decision to get this. Huh?
220
00:06:27,917 --> 00:06:28,750
Jesus!
221
00:06:28,752 --> 00:06:30,352
What the hell are you doing with...?
222
00:06:30,354 --> 00:06:31,286
Don't twirl it.
223
00:06:31,288 --> 00:06:32,120
Where did you get a gun?
224
00:06:32,122 --> 00:06:33,088
I'm a District Attorney.
225
00:06:33,090 --> 00:06:35,023
I've got a carrier's
permit, if you must know.
226
00:06:35,025 --> 00:06:37,559
So that you can "placcidentally"
shoot yourself in your own house?
227
00:06:37,561 --> 00:06:39,360
You don't even know what you're doing.
228
00:06:39,362 --> 00:06:41,129
I know exactly... Oh!
229
00:06:41,131 --> 00:06:41,962
Oh, shit, okay.
230
00:06:41,964 --> 00:06:42,897
Is that a gun?
231
00:06:42,899 --> 00:06:44,231
Toss it here!
232
00:06:44,233 --> 00:06:45,366
Taco, this is not a joke.
233
00:06:45,368 --> 00:06:46,233
That is awesome.
234
00:06:46,235 --> 00:06:48,101
We need to get drunk and go to the
firing range, AKA the field
235
00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:48,869
next to the highway.
236
00:06:48,871 --> 00:06:49,703
No!
237
00:06:49,705 --> 00:06:50,637
No, you're doing it wrong.
238
00:06:50,639 --> 00:06:51,371
You're doing it wrong.
239
00:06:51,373 --> 00:06:52,372
Are you going to let him...?
240
00:06:52,374 --> 00:06:54,107
It goes in this way... like this.
241
00:06:54,109 --> 00:06:54,975
Okay? All right, all right.
242
00:06:54,977 --> 00:06:55,976
And then you fire it.
243
00:06:55,978 --> 00:06:57,044
What?! Whoa!
244
00:06:57,046 --> 00:06:57,811
Jesus, man!
245
00:06:57,813 --> 00:06:59,312
What? I assumed it wasn't loaded.
246
00:06:59,314 --> 00:07:01,748
Okay, I'm just going to take
this we're going to put it down.
247
00:07:01,750 --> 00:07:04,318
By the way, where's the
vuvuzela I kept in the attic?
248
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:05,152
We through it away.
249
00:07:05,154 --> 00:07:06,320
The thing was getting disgusting.
250
00:07:06,322 --> 00:07:06,921
What?
251
00:07:06,923 --> 00:07:07,821
That was my guest bong.
252
00:07:07,823 --> 00:07:08,989
Wait. What is a guest bong?
253
00:07:08,991 --> 00:07:10,758
Were you raised by wolves?
254
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,861
A guest bong is a bong you leave
at someone else's house, so
255
00:07:13,863 --> 00:07:16,563
while you're visiting them, you
can sneak away and get high.
256
00:07:16,565 --> 00:07:20,067
You basically leave little bongs at all
your friend's houses around the city?
257
00:07:20,069 --> 00:07:23,137
Yes. For instance, the guest bong
at your place is the pepper shaker.
258
00:07:23,139 --> 00:07:23,804
That's good.
259
00:07:23,806 --> 00:07:24,338
I never use that.
260
00:07:24,340 --> 00:07:26,273
How am I supposed to get
high while I'm here?
261
00:07:26,275 --> 00:07:29,309
How about just coming over and spending
some time with your family sober?
262
00:07:29,311 --> 00:07:32,346
You expect me to sit through your
mind-numbing dinner anecdotes sober?
263
00:07:32,348 --> 00:07:34,915
Or babysit your little rug rat who's
got a second grade reading level?
264
00:07:34,917 --> 00:07:37,851
That's because she's
in the second grade.
265
00:07:37,853 --> 00:07:42,856
Dear Andre, I'm going to go so
balls deep in your team this
266
00:07:42,858 --> 00:07:46,861
week that you're going to be able to
see my sack inside of your stomach.
267
00:07:46,863 --> 00:07:48,930
Oh, gross.
268
00:07:48,932 --> 00:07:54,169
No amount of vaginal rejuvenation
will fix your team's vagina, Andre.
269
00:07:54,171 --> 00:07:58,874
No, physician vaginally
rejuvenate thyself.
270
00:07:58,876 --> 00:08:00,609
Come on, Andre, no response?
271
00:08:00,611 --> 00:08:02,812
He's just getting savaged by Ruxin.
272
00:08:02,814 --> 00:08:05,014
Who's Andrea Clotkin?
273
00:08:05,016 --> 00:08:05,782
I don't know.
274
00:08:05,784 --> 00:08:06,850
Aw!
275
00:08:06,852 --> 00:08:07,884
Who are you people?
276
00:08:07,886 --> 00:08:11,989
Why you sending me these
disgusting messages?
277
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:17,328
Hey, Andre, when Ruxin's done with
you, it's going to look like this.
278
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,863
Aw!
279
00:08:18,865 --> 00:08:19,998
Ow, oh, God!
280
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,065
Aw!
281
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:23,534
Oh, God, Taco, get out of our attic.
282
00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:24,668
I like it here.
283
00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:26,304
There's Internet and heat.
284
00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:27,338
What did you do?
285
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,639
That is my housekeeper.
286
00:08:28,641 --> 00:08:29,807
Look, it's not my fault.
287
00:08:29,809 --> 00:08:32,142
Hotmail auto-corrected
Andre for Andrea.
288
00:08:32,144 --> 00:08:34,344
Why do you have his
housekeeper's e-mail?
289
00:08:34,346 --> 00:08:36,946
Because he wanted me to use her,
and I'm not going to let
290
00:08:36,948 --> 00:08:39,248
her in my house and
let him snoop around.
291
00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:40,216
Right, collusion.
292
00:08:40,218 --> 00:08:43,920
Be that as it may, what we need to do
here is start a brand-new chain, okay?
293
00:08:43,922 --> 00:08:45,321
No more replying all.
294
00:08:45,323 --> 00:08:46,156
That's it.
295
00:08:46,158 --> 00:08:47,023
Okay.
296
00:08:47,025 --> 00:08:47,990
Hey, guys.
297
00:08:47,992 --> 00:08:49,358
Where are you moving to?
298
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:50,225
Not moving.
299
00:08:50,227 --> 00:08:52,160
You guys were cleaning, so I
got in the cleaning spirit.
300
00:08:52,162 --> 00:08:52,995
And?
301
00:08:52,997 --> 00:08:53,895
Going to put it in the attic.
302
00:08:53,897 --> 00:08:54,863
No.
303
00:08:54,865 --> 00:08:56,030
We just cleaned out our attic.
304
00:08:56,032 --> 00:08:57,599
Exactly, so now there's
room for my shit.
305
00:08:57,601 --> 00:08:58,500
No!
306
00:08:58,502 --> 00:09:02,671
Taco... (Cockney accent): Taco, mind
yourself on the apples and pears.
307
00:09:02,673 --> 00:09:03,772
What is that?
308
00:09:03,774 --> 00:09:04,773
Cocey rhyming slang.
309
00:09:04,775 --> 00:09:06,108
Apples and pears-- stairs.
310
00:09:06,110 --> 00:09:08,043
Are you trying to find new ways
for us to make fun of you?
311
00:09:08,045 --> 00:09:10,379
There is something to the idea
that I could use this as
312
00:09:10,381 --> 00:09:12,681
code language so I could send
stuff from my work e-mail.
313
00:09:12,683 --> 00:09:14,316
Like how would you say shit sipper?
314
00:09:14,318 --> 00:09:16,319
You're a real old Jack Tripper.
315
00:09:16,321 --> 00:09:19,088
How would you say I'm going
to rip your shitty team of
316
00:09:19,090 --> 00:09:21,324
jackoffs from poo hole to goo hole?
317
00:09:21,326 --> 00:09:23,059
Actually that already rhymes.
318
00:09:23,061 --> 00:09:24,561
And why would you even say that?
319
00:09:24,563 --> 00:09:25,862
Why can't you just beat me?
320
00:09:25,864 --> 00:09:27,697
Who do you have to get inside of me?
321
00:09:27,699 --> 00:09:29,933
Why do you have to get
inside my poo hole, okay?
322
00:09:29,935 --> 00:09:32,869
Next time you want to stick
something in me, text me.
323
00:09:32,871 --> 00:09:35,772
But what if we want to say we
want to cram it down your throat?
324
00:09:35,774 --> 00:09:37,340
Then D.M. me.
325
00:09:37,342 --> 00:09:38,608
G'day.
326
00:09:38,610 --> 00:09:42,345
Are you going to back to your old job
as a caretaker to Downtrodden Estate?
327
00:09:42,347 --> 00:09:45,982
Luck you.
328
00:09:45,984 --> 00:09:48,117
Why is Andre talking
about his poo hole?
329
00:09:48,119 --> 00:09:49,352
Jesus, Cheech and Chong.
330
00:09:49,354 --> 00:09:50,219
What...?
331
00:09:50,221 --> 00:09:51,722
Did you just get high?
332
00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:53,623
I'll give you a hint-- yes.
333
00:09:53,625 --> 00:09:55,258
Guess we found a new guest bong?
334
00:09:55,260 --> 00:09:56,259
No, it's a guest pipe.
335
00:09:56,261 --> 00:09:57,327
Are you baked all the time?
336
00:09:57,329 --> 00:09:58,595
Oh, not this baked.
337
00:09:58,597 --> 00:10:02,099
I just wish I could walk around
in a cloud of it all day long.
338
00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:03,668
To the cloud-- like Microsoft.
339
00:10:03,670 --> 00:10:06,137
All right, you realize that
that's just a cloud of data
340
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:09,308
pushing itself wirelessly
through different devices?
341
00:10:09,310 --> 00:10:12,011
Now who sounds baked?
342
00:10:12,013 --> 00:10:14,981
I like being around your friends.
343
00:10:14,983 --> 00:10:16,583
Oh, wow. Well, that makes one of us.
344
00:10:16,585 --> 00:10:17,284
I really like them.
345
00:10:17,286 --> 00:10:18,318
I think they're awesome.
346
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,254
Well, that is good, because
you got rave reviews.
347
00:10:21,256 --> 00:10:21,922
Thank you.
348
00:10:21,924 --> 00:10:24,758
I'm going to put my computer away and not
be rude, so we can have our date...
349
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:26,126
No, no, no, no, no, no.
350
00:10:26,128 --> 00:10:27,261
What is that?
351
00:10:27,263 --> 00:10:29,763
Um, this is my fantasy football
team and I was in the
352
00:10:29,765 --> 00:10:31,398
process of setting my lineup.
353
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,400
Okay, well let's-let's set your lineup.
354
00:10:33,402 --> 00:10:35,001
What?
355
00:10:35,003 --> 00:10:36,036
Yeah, let's set your lineup.
356
00:10:36,038 --> 00:10:37,337
Let's do this.
357
00:10:37,339 --> 00:10:40,007
Like, I normally do this by myself.
358
00:10:40,009 --> 00:10:42,109
Well, when you were a single
person, there were a lot of
359
00:10:42,111 --> 00:10:44,377
things you had to do by yourself.
360
00:10:44,379 --> 00:10:47,447
But not that I'm here, we can do
them together, and I'm guessing
361
00:10:47,449 --> 00:10:49,048
that's an improvement.
362
00:10:49,050 --> 00:10:52,185
All right, in all fairness, I am
playing Taco this week, so just...
363
00:10:52,187 --> 00:10:53,119
Okay, great.
364
00:10:53,121 --> 00:10:56,355
Whoa! You just grabbed the comput...
Okay, hold on. Not... Oh, quiet.
365
00:10:56,357 --> 00:10:57,857
This is like fifth base for me.
366
00:10:57,859 --> 00:10:59,792
This is like the
equivalent of male Allen.
367
00:10:59,794 --> 00:11:01,127
What, Michael Vick?
368
00:11:01,129 --> 00:11:03,229
Is OJ Simpson on your lineup as well?
369
00:11:03,231 --> 00:11:04,297
He's retired.
370
00:11:04,299 --> 00:11:06,032
Michael Vick has done his time.
371
00:11:06,034 --> 00:11:07,066
No, no, no.
372
00:11:07,068 --> 00:11:08,334
We're not playing Michael Vick.
373
00:11:08,336 --> 00:11:12,805
He may have worked on your team,
but he is not on our team.
374
00:11:12,807 --> 00:11:13,573
Okay.
375
00:11:13,575 --> 00:11:14,173
Okay?
376
00:11:14,175 --> 00:11:15,909
All right, what other QB's do you have?
377
00:11:15,911 --> 00:11:16,843
You must have another one.
378
00:11:16,845 --> 00:11:19,746
Uh... Roethlis...
His name is Ben Roethlisberger.
379
00:11:19,748 --> 00:11:20,814
Ben Roethlisberger.
380
00:11:20,816 --> 00:11:23,683
Has he ever done anything wrong?
381
00:11:23,685 --> 00:11:24,985
Never.
382
00:11:24,987 --> 00:11:25,819
Perfect.
383
00:11:25,821 --> 00:11:26,720
He is a good man.
384
00:11:26,722 --> 00:11:29,089
Welcome to the lineup,
Ben Roethlisberger.
385
00:11:29,091 --> 00:11:31,037
Take a look-- submit.
386
00:11:31,157 --> 00:11:32,222
Our lineup has been set!
387
00:11:32,224 --> 00:11:33,224
That's huge.
388
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:36,175
Wow. I literally feel like
I've just been deflowered.
389
00:11:36,295 --> 00:11:38,361
Well, you'll cry the first time,
but every time after that,
390
00:11:38,363 --> 00:11:39,295
it'll be a little less painful.
391
00:11:39,297 --> 00:11:40,296
Come here.
392
00:11:40,298 --> 00:11:41,799
All right, all right, all right.
393
00:11:43,243 --> 00:11:44,692
Andrea, please don't quit.
394
00:11:44,812 --> 00:11:45,811
It was disgusting.
395
00:11:45,813 --> 00:11:46,612
I know.
396
00:11:46,614 --> 00:11:48,113
Don't judge me on the
basis of my friends.
397
00:11:48,115 --> 00:11:49,414
I'll do anything.
398
00:11:49,416 --> 00:11:50,048
I swear this will stop.
399
00:11:50,050 --> 00:11:51,917
Come on, luv.
400
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:53,819
You work less hours, you get more pay.
401
00:11:53,821 --> 00:11:56,422
You've really got me over
this Christmas carol.
402
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:57,757
Christmas carol?
403
00:11:57,759 --> 00:11:59,392
You like Dickens?
404
00:11:59,394 --> 00:12:01,828
Oh, no, it was the
Cockney rhyming slang.
405
00:12:01,830 --> 00:12:05,466
Barrel-- Christmas carol...
You know, I am going to be in
406
00:12:05,468 --> 00:12:07,602
community theater production.
407
00:12:07,604 --> 00:12:08,770
I play Mrs. Cratchit.
408
00:12:08,772 --> 00:12:09,437
Great.
409
00:12:09,439 --> 00:12:10,605
You come Monday night?
410
00:12:10,607 --> 00:12:11,739
Uh, this Monday?
411
00:12:11,741 --> 00:12:12,573
Mm-hmm.
412
00:12:12,575 --> 00:12:16,944
This Monday is rough because...
I would love to come.
413
00:12:16,946 --> 00:12:20,147
I would love to come see you
in your community theater
414
00:12:20,149 --> 00:12:22,315
production of A Christmas Carol.
415
00:12:22,317 --> 00:12:23,082
I love it.
416
00:12:23,084 --> 00:12:23,850
Okay.
417
00:12:23,852 --> 00:12:25,352
And I'm going to bring a friend.
418
00:12:25,354 --> 00:12:27,587
Gets through and... Come on!
419
00:12:27,589 --> 00:12:28,421
Yes!
420
00:12:28,423 --> 00:12:29,422
My players are killing it.
421
00:12:29,424 --> 00:12:31,091
Lawrence Fitzgerald... Larry.
422
00:12:31,093 --> 00:12:32,492
...Raymond Rice... Ray.
423
00:12:32,494 --> 00:12:33,093
...and Came Newtown.
424
00:12:33,095 --> 00:12:33,994
It's Cam Newton.
425
00:12:33,996 --> 00:12:35,762
You can't even pronounce...
Oh, your kid...
426
00:12:35,764 --> 00:12:37,297
Brandon Jacobs give you a touchdown.
427
00:12:37,299 --> 00:12:38,031
Are you kidding me?
428
00:12:38,033 --> 00:12:39,099
To the cloud.
429
00:12:39,101 --> 00:12:40,300
(groans)
430
00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:43,369
Well, at least we have next week.
Always, always.
431
00:12:43,371 --> 00:12:46,639
No, there's really not a
next week for my team.
432
00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:47,774
That's not true.
433
00:12:47,776 --> 00:12:48,841
There's the Sacko.
434
00:12:48,843 --> 00:12:50,042
Face it, mate.
435
00:12:50,044 --> 00:12:51,510
You're a ripe old boozer.
436
00:12:51,512 --> 00:12:52,644
What?
437
00:12:52,646 --> 00:12:54,012
Loser-- boozer.
438
00:12:54,014 --> 00:12:55,981
All right, easy Jason Statham.
439
00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:58,382
Call me The Transporter.
440
00:12:58,384 --> 00:13:03,020
Or call him Transgender.
441
00:13:03,022 --> 00:13:05,022
I'd like to offer my
services to all of you.
442
00:13:05,024 --> 00:13:07,892
If anyone has a load that needs
to be transported, I'm your man.
443
00:13:07,894 --> 00:13:11,129
Well, how many loads can
you transport at one time?
444
00:13:11,131 --> 00:13:12,663
As many as humanly possible.
445
00:13:12,665 --> 00:13:14,566
You take the whole load all at once?
446
00:13:14,568 --> 00:13:17,135
That's right-- I take the
load, hold it inside me and
447
00:13:17,137 --> 00:13:17,969
don't let it out.
448
00:13:17,971 --> 00:13:19,071
Wow, like big loads?
449
00:13:19,073 --> 00:13:20,406
I love big loads.
450
00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:21,307
Wow.
451
00:13:21,309 --> 00:13:22,308
You take a lady's load?
452
00:13:22,310 --> 00:13:24,877
I'll take a lady's load, but
I prefer a man's load.
453
00:13:24,879 --> 00:13:25,578
Yeah.
454
00:13:25,580 --> 00:13:26,479
Come on!
455
00:13:26,481 --> 00:13:27,080
How we doing?
456
00:13:27,082 --> 00:13:29,082
We're not doing great.
457
00:13:29,084 --> 00:13:31,417
How's um-- Roethlisberger?
458
00:13:31,419 --> 00:13:34,654
Not doing as well as Michael
Vick did earlier today.
459
00:13:34,656 --> 00:13:35,187
I have to be honest.
460
00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:36,822
Well, at least you have both of them.
461
00:13:36,824 --> 00:13:37,422
Yeah.
462
00:13:37,424 --> 00:13:37,990
Right?
463
00:13:37,992 --> 00:13:39,090
Yeah, it's great.
464
00:13:39,092 --> 00:13:40,091
Everyone's having so much fun.
465
00:13:40,093 --> 00:13:41,059
Mm-hmm.
466
00:13:41,061 --> 00:13:42,994
Because I'm in the playoffs
and I think that...
467
00:13:42,996 --> 00:13:44,095
Wait, are you in the playoffs?
468
00:13:44,097 --> 00:13:45,730
I think I just said I
was in the playoffs.
469
00:13:45,732 --> 00:13:46,664
I'm in the playoffs!
470
00:13:46,666 --> 00:13:47,665
You're in the playoffs, too?
471
00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:49,533
Wait a minute, did you guys just
figure this out right now?
472
00:13:49,535 --> 00:13:51,936
No, this is called shit talking,
and you will catch on
473
00:13:51,938 --> 00:13:52,603
very quickly.
474
00:13:52,605 --> 00:13:53,271
Okay.
475
00:13:53,273 --> 00:13:55,106
Uh, and then the Monday night
game will decide which one of
476
00:13:55,108 --> 00:13:58,343
these morons is gonna lose
to me in the playoffs.
477
00:13:58,345 --> 00:14:00,045
Look, there's still
some time, all right?
478
00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:01,046
It's not over yet.
479
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:02,047
Oh, no, no, no, no.
480
00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:03,449
You are losing, my friend.
481
00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:04,283
I'll get you a beer.
482
00:14:04,285 --> 00:14:05,051
How about that?
483
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:05,952
That sounds great.
484
00:14:05,954 --> 00:14:07,620
I'll take a... I know.
485
00:14:07,622 --> 00:14:08,454
No, no, no.
486
00:14:08,456 --> 00:14:09,288
I got it.
487
00:14:09,290 --> 00:14:10,056
Okay, you pick.
488
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:10,957
Anyone else?
489
00:14:10,959 --> 00:14:11,857
I'll be right back.
490
00:14:11,859 --> 00:14:13,058
Thank you.
491
00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:13,892
Watch.
492
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:16,128
She's going to pick me some,
like, skunked-out Milwaukee's
493
00:14:16,130 --> 00:14:19,064
Best Light, and leave the
Stella Artois on my bench.
494
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:21,767
This is your own fault, if you
let your girlfriend choose
495
00:14:21,769 --> 00:14:22,534
your lineup.
496
00:14:22,536 --> 00:14:24,370
That is like the male version of Alan.
497
00:14:24,372 --> 00:14:26,071
I'm sorry, pot calling
the kettle black, here?
498
00:14:26,073 --> 00:14:27,372
She is not a girl, Pete.
499
00:14:27,374 --> 00:14:28,072
Oh, thanks, babe.
500
00:14:28,074 --> 00:14:29,074
I love you.
501
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:29,908
I love you, too.
502
00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:31,776
I shouldn't have to pay this much.
503
00:14:31,778 --> 00:14:33,611
The punishment doesn't fit the crime.
504
00:14:33,613 --> 00:14:34,478
You know, Pete, I like her.
505
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:35,313
I think she's a keeper.
506
00:14:35,315 --> 00:14:37,148
Like the keeper that Michael
Vic ran in for his third
507
00:14:37,150 --> 00:14:38,883
touchdown of the day, while
he was on my bench?
508
00:14:38,885 --> 00:14:41,586
I want you out in front of
your flat at 6:00 p.m. sharp.
509
00:14:41,588 --> 00:14:43,621
I don't want to see amateur
theater; it's just a bunch of
510
00:14:43,623 --> 00:14:46,023
fat girls dealing with their
complicated issues with dudes
511
00:14:46,025 --> 00:14:47,091
who are still in the closet.
512
00:14:47,093 --> 00:14:48,960
Let me tell you something,
mate, you got to make things
513
00:14:48,962 --> 00:14:50,562
right between me and my lady.
514
00:14:50,564 --> 00:14:52,598
She's the best chambermaid I ever had.
515
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,735
Either come to this play with
me, or I bombard your work
516
00:14:55,737 --> 00:14:58,004
e-mail with pictures of Alan.
517
00:14:58,006 --> 00:15:00,306
All kinds of Alan.
518
00:15:00,308 --> 00:15:02,042
Alan reconstruction.
519
00:15:02,044 --> 00:15:04,044
What about photos of Alan Rickman?
520
00:15:04,046 --> 00:15:04,945
Here you go, sweetie.
521
00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:06,046
Oh, thank you so much.
522
00:15:06,048 --> 00:15:09,048
Appreciate that.
523
00:15:09,050 --> 00:15:09,916
Do you like it?
524
00:15:09,918 --> 00:15:10,750
It's awesome.
525
00:15:10,752 --> 00:15:11,651
Thank you so much.
526
00:15:11,653 --> 00:15:12,485
You're welcome.
527
00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:13,419
Appreciate it.
528
00:15:13,421 --> 00:15:14,520
I appreciate you.
529
00:15:14,522 --> 00:15:15,688
Okay, thanks.
530
00:15:17,357 --> 00:15:19,058
Okay, who is ready for ice cream?
531
00:15:19,060 --> 00:15:19,992
Me!
532
00:15:19,994 --> 00:15:20,926
Me!
533
00:15:20,928 --> 00:15:21,927
Yeah!
534
00:15:21,929 --> 00:15:23,662
It's going to be the
best sleepover ever!
535
00:15:23,664 --> 00:15:24,496
You guys ready to go?
536
00:15:24,498 --> 00:15:25,331
Mm-hmm.
537
00:15:25,333 --> 00:15:27,266
Um... I left my fuzzy at home.
538
00:15:27,268 --> 00:15:28,467
Oh.
539
00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:29,302
What's your fuzzy?
540
00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:31,370
Yeah, it's my blanket I need to sleep.
541
00:15:31,372 --> 00:15:33,506
Chloe, no worries, we will call
your parents and just have
542
00:15:33,508 --> 00:15:34,273
them bring it over.
543
00:15:34,275 --> 00:15:35,074
Okay.
544
00:15:35,076 --> 00:15:35,942
Yeah?
545
00:15:35,944 --> 00:15:36,776
Oh!
546
00:15:36,778 --> 00:15:37,811
I forgot my Faces of Death DVD.
547
00:15:37,813 --> 00:15:39,479
Can you have them stop by my
apartment and pick it up?
548
00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:40,381
No, Taco.
549
00:15:40,383 --> 00:15:42,483
Movie night's cancelled, girls.
550
00:15:42,485 --> 00:15:44,819
Doesn't matter, 'cause
it's a girls' night!
551
00:15:44,821 --> 00:15:45,686
Yes!
552
00:15:45,688 --> 00:15:46,521
Let's go.
553
00:15:46,523 --> 00:15:48,389
If you don't finish your
ice cream, bring it back!
554
00:15:48,391 --> 00:15:49,090
No!
555
00:15:49,092 --> 00:15:50,024
No.
556
00:15:50,026 --> 00:15:55,028
Aw... I'll drink to Mr.
Scrooge for your sake, and for this day.
557
00:15:55,030 --> 00:15:58,365
I can't believe I'm here watching this
instead of Monday Night Football.
558
00:15:58,367 --> 00:15:59,032
Oh, yeah.
559
00:15:59,034 --> 00:16:01,601
'Cause I really want to be here,
watching a shitty production of
560
00:16:01,603 --> 00:16:04,036
A Christmas Carol, instead
of watching the game that dictates
561
00:16:04,038 --> 00:16:07,005
whether or not I go back to the
Sacko or get into the playoffs.
562
00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:09,041
Long life to him!
563
00:16:09,043 --> 00:16:12,411
And a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year.
564
00:16:12,413 --> 00:16:14,847
If I win tonight, the year
of the Sacko is over.
565
00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:19,017
Ghost of Sacko Past,
Ghost of Sacko Future.
566
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:20,252
(sighs)
567
00:16:20,254 --> 00:16:21,320
How much time is left?
568
00:16:21,322 --> 00:16:22,054
You're not going to do it.
569
00:16:22,056 --> 00:16:24,490
All I needed was ten points,
and I'm getting eight points.
570
00:16:24,492 --> 00:16:26,425
No, no, I lost.
571
00:16:26,427 --> 00:16:29,062
James Bondraiser in the playoffs, baby.
572
00:16:29,064 --> 00:16:30,863
License to win.
573
00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:32,998
Hallelujah.
574
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,667
Bless us all, everyone!
575
00:16:34,669 --> 00:16:36,035
Oh, God damn you.
576
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:41,573
God damn you, no-talent,
ass-eating, shit-sipping hacks!
577
00:16:41,575 --> 00:16:42,875
Excuse me?
578
00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:45,511
That is my son!
579
00:16:45,513 --> 00:16:46,445
Rodney?
580
00:16:46,447 --> 00:16:47,746
Swale?
581
00:16:47,748 --> 00:16:49,014
See you Wednesday?
582
00:16:49,016 --> 00:16:50,716
What do you think?
583
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:54,281
This was supposed to be a
Christmas joy for everyone, but
584
00:16:54,401 --> 00:16:56,320
instead, you killed Christmas.
585
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,663
No, your son's acting killed Christmas.
586
00:17:02,018 --> 00:17:03,871
Jenny?
587
00:17:05,657 --> 00:17:06,990
Oh.
588
00:17:06,992 --> 00:17:08,201
House to myself.
589
00:17:08,556 --> 00:17:10,456
No, I'm-I'm getting here right now.
590
00:17:10,458 --> 00:17:12,491
I just am pulling up.
591
00:17:12,493 --> 00:17:13,459
Okay, so you're sure?
592
00:17:13,461 --> 00:17:15,728
Jenny said just bring the fuzzy in?
593
00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:16,996
Door's open.
594
00:17:16,998 --> 00:17:18,264
Okay.
595
00:17:18,266 --> 00:17:19,165
Okay, I love you.
596
00:17:19,167 --> 00:17:22,235
Okay, bye.
597
00:17:22,237 --> 00:17:25,972
You guys are probably
texting from inside.
598
00:17:25,974 --> 00:17:28,741
Coming in with Chloe's fuzzy.
599
00:17:28,743 --> 00:17:31,277
(phone beeping)
600
00:17:34,481 --> 00:17:38,751
"Coming in with chloroform"?
601
00:17:38,753 --> 00:17:40,019
What?
602
00:17:40,021 --> 00:17:42,422
Oh, okay.
603
00:17:47,761 --> 00:17:51,698
Hello.
604
00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:55,201
Hello... Where is everybody?
605
00:17:55,203 --> 00:17:57,704
Got a little something here.
606
00:17:57,706 --> 00:18:01,008
Anybody home?
607
00:18:01,010 --> 00:18:02,442
Hello?
608
00:18:02,444 --> 00:18:03,710
Hey, asshole!
609
00:18:03,712 --> 00:18:05,713
I have a gun, and I'm
going to murder you.
610
00:18:05,715 --> 00:18:07,047
(screams)
611
00:18:07,049 --> 00:18:10,685
(screams)
612
00:18:15,424 --> 00:18:18,959
Where's my gun?
613
00:18:23,632 --> 00:18:27,167
Oh, yeah.
614
00:18:29,804 --> 00:18:31,471
(laughing)
615
00:18:31,473 --> 00:18:33,173
Do the clown!
616
00:18:33,175 --> 00:18:34,741
(whoops)
617
00:18:34,743 --> 00:18:38,746
♪ Take all week and rub my belly... ♪
618
00:18:38,748 --> 00:18:39,747
911, what's your emergency?
619
00:18:39,749 --> 00:18:41,715
Hello, yes, this is Kevin
McArthur, and there's someone in
620
00:18:41,717 --> 00:18:43,417
my house who's here to murder me.
621
00:18:43,419 --> 00:18:45,152
Describe to me what's happening.
622
00:18:45,154 --> 00:18:46,053
I am in my panic room.
623
00:18:46,055 --> 00:18:46,888
Panic room?
624
00:18:46,890 --> 00:18:48,956
Well, it really isn't a panic
room, because it's more of a
625
00:18:48,958 --> 00:18:49,690
space under the stairs.
626
00:18:49,692 --> 00:18:51,693
Please send out dispatch right away!
627
00:18:51,695 --> 00:18:52,560
Is he an intruder?
628
00:18:52,562 --> 00:18:54,529
A few years ago, I put
a man away in jail.
629
00:18:54,531 --> 00:18:57,433
And while he was being processed, I was
in the courtroom and I received a text
630
00:18:57,435 --> 00:19:00,502
message from my wife, who said a
pen exploded in her vag, but
631
00:19:00,504 --> 00:19:01,704
she really meant bag.
632
00:19:01,706 --> 00:19:02,705
Is your wife injured, sir?
633
00:19:02,707 --> 00:19:04,673
No, it didn't explode in her vag.
634
00:19:04,675 --> 00:19:06,041
Nothing explodes in your vag.
635
00:19:06,043 --> 00:19:08,710
It was her bag, she meant bag,
it was an auto-correct mistake.
636
00:19:08,712 --> 00:19:10,378
Sir, I need to put you on hold.
637
00:19:10,380 --> 00:19:11,513
911, what's your emergency?
638
00:19:11,515 --> 00:19:13,715
Hi, I am about to be murdered.
639
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:14,716
Where are you located, sir?
640
00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:16,451
I'm at the home of Kevin McArthur.
641
00:19:16,453 --> 00:19:17,285
Kevin McArthur, you said.
642
00:19:17,287 --> 00:19:18,119
Yes.
643
00:19:18,121 --> 00:19:21,523
I am hiding out in his bathroom, and
he is outside there with a gun.
644
00:19:21,525 --> 00:19:24,360
Sir, have you had a relationship
with this man previously?
645
00:19:24,362 --> 00:19:26,395
Our daughters are in
gymnastics together.
646
00:19:26,397 --> 00:19:28,197
She is a little psychopath.
647
00:19:28,199 --> 00:19:30,133
Daughter's a pig, father's a pig.
648
00:19:30,135 --> 00:19:32,469
I'm going to put you on hold, sir.
649
00:19:32,471 --> 00:19:34,338
Mr. McArthur, there is a
gentleman on the other line who
650
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,640
says you are trying to kill him.
651
00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:36,474
No, no, no!
652
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:40,712
This is me, nobody else, me,
murdered, dead, inside my house,
653
00:19:40,714 --> 00:19:42,580
panic room, bag, vag.
654
00:19:42,582 --> 00:19:45,450
Okay, sir, you have officially
abused the 911 system.
655
00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:46,451
I am going to disconnect you.
656
00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:49,454
Please, you've got to help me!
Don't hang up on me, please!
657
00:19:53,659 --> 00:19:55,059
Hello?
658
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:56,160
Aha!
659
00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:56,995
(screams)
660
00:19:56,997 --> 00:19:58,663
Well, hello there.
661
00:19:58,665 --> 00:19:59,497
Want some?
662
00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:01,432
I am going to run and die!
663
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:02,667
Take it!
664
00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:03,668
I have a family.
665
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:05,236
Well, then, take it!
666
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,005
No, you got to listen to me.
667
00:20:07,007 --> 00:20:09,275
This is... Oh, God!
668
00:20:09,277 --> 00:20:10,275
I took care of him.
669
00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:11,343
Oh, you're crazy.
670
00:20:11,345 --> 00:20:14,680
Your wife is stuck-up, and your
daughter's terrible at gymnastics!
671
00:20:14,682 --> 00:20:15,781
Shut up and take it!
672
00:20:15,783 --> 00:20:16,783
No!
673
00:20:16,785 --> 00:20:18,785
Oh, God, no, please!
674
00:20:18,787 --> 00:20:21,320
Open your mouth like this.
675
00:20:21,322 --> 00:20:26,025
(laughing)
676
00:20:26,027 --> 00:20:27,360
Ah!
677
00:20:27,362 --> 00:20:28,795
Don't shoot me!
678
00:20:28,797 --> 00:20:30,196
Don't shoot me!
679
00:20:30,198 --> 00:20:32,198
Come back!
680
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,333
Do the clown!
681
00:20:33,335 --> 00:20:34,800
(whoops)
682
00:20:34,802 --> 00:20:37,437
You're going back to jail, asshole!
683
00:20:37,439 --> 00:20:38,638
(laughing)
684
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,173
Aw, Taco!
685
00:20:40,175 --> 00:20:41,808
That was fun.
686
00:20:41,810 --> 00:20:43,042
You want a hit?
687
00:20:43,044 --> 00:20:44,043
Oh.
688
00:20:44,045 --> 00:20:45,545
Yeah...
689
00:20:45,665 --> 00:20:50,736
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
690
00:20:50,786 --> 00:20:55,336
Repair and Synchronization by
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