All language subtitles for The League s03e09 TheTowner.eng

PETE: I'm not the problem.

You guys are the problem.

This one-- worst wingman ever.

ANDRE: What are you
talking about?

Whatever. You guys, married--
you're, like, dead to me.

This guy is like a street
sweeper-- he just cleans up any

prospects I had and takes them
in the bathroom and stuffs them.

TACO: Hey, I can lead a horse
to the water, but I can't make

the water not want to
have sex with me, okay?

I-I need Chuck.

Is he coming? What's the plan?

No, oh, he is definitely
coming this weekend.

He bought his tickets.

He posted it on the
message board today.

So he's in.

Okay, this... this is it.

Chuck is going to
break my dry spell.

You know, he can talk to any
girl, any place, any time.

Guy was fearless.

What's up, ladies?

You want to buy me a drink?

Do we want to buy you a drink?

Yeah.

Do you want to buy us a drink?

(chuckles): No.

I don't have any money.

Anyway... Oh, God.

Oh, I just thought
of the worst thing.

What?

Oh, n-nothing.

I don't want you guys...
It's embarrassing.

No, come on, tell us.

Are you sure you're gonna
be cool with this?

Yeah, tell us.

Okay, you'll never
guess what happened.

What?

I sat... in... gum!

(woman gasps)

(Chuck laughing)

Oh, my God.

I sat in gum!

Okay, okay, guys, look...
I'm a doctor. It's okay.

I can assure you
that is not gum.

No.

It is not gum.

What-what was that?

That was a scrotum. Now, would you
buy me a drink for my medical advice?

I guess so, yeah.

Sure.

Yeah.
What are you guys having there?

Let's see, what do you got?

He just made it so
easy, you know?

He would come in like a hurricane,
and I would just come

and clean 'em up, like FEMA.

Chuck needs to come here, and
we need to have a full-on

debaucherous, nasty
Chuck experience.

Let's do it.

Why don't we do a proper cocktail party
and a little Monday Night Football?

As you know, I'm studying mixology...
Enough with the mixology stuff, Andre.

Yeah, what is with this outfit?

You look like a Deadwood
character at a Justin

Bieber concert.

You know what, I'm really
looking forward to your party.

That's on Monday night?

Oh, that's great timing.

That's the end of T-Lent.

Wait, Taco, what did
you do to Lent?

Turned it into Taco-Lent.

T-Lent is a seven-day stretch
where we give Mother Nature a

break from serving us.

I consume nothing natural-- no
fruit, no vegetables, no water,

not even any booze.

What do you consume?

Nothing but Slim Jims, Gummy
Worms, artificial sweetener

packets, expired candy
canes and Mexican soda.

(whispers): Hey, Taco.

She's checking you out.

Mm, no can do.

Women are from nature.

Until next week, it's nothing but
blow-up dolls and tube socks.

Sync by Sp8ky
www.addic7ed.com

You can your own fruit taco?

I've been canning fruit
for quite some time.

Technically, it's the
oldest profession.

Ugh, Jesus, it stinks in here.
Yeah, yeah, that's fermented

pectin from the whole
canning process.

Taco, why can't I
open these windows?

No, no, no, all the
windows are painted shut.

They haven't opened since
I've moved in here.

Okay. Well, I don't want to spend
any more time than I have

to, so let's get out of here.

Hello?

Oh, come in.

That's Nadia, my landlord.

Who is dead in here?

Ah, that's Andre's cologne.

Look at that-- what are
you doing over there?

You're making drugs
over there, eh?

No, no, that's fruit.

I'm canning fruit.

I never understand anything that you
say because you are always high.

Look at you right now.

You're so high.

Look at-- all of you are high!

Look at me. Look in my eyes.

Look in my eyes.

There's nothing there.

No, it's, like, dead.

It's like the sky but no clouds,
that's what you are like.

This is it, I've
had it with you.

You don't pay on time, you
bring in all your gay friends.

I want you out;
you have a week!

You know, and don't think that you
could climb into bed with me

and think that that will
solve the problem. No more!

I wasn't doing that
to solve problems.

Get out!

Oh, well.

Uh, so where were we?
So cans... Wait, wait.

You just got evicted.

Yeah, it's okay.

Sofia told me, if ever I didn't have a
place to stay I could go stay with her.

You know Sofia lives with me.

Yeah, sort of.

Okay, let's just get this...
No, hold on, hold on.

You know what, there's got to be
a loophole-- just got to do a

little shark Ruxin in here.

(humming theme to Jaws)

You do that in the courtroom?

In my head.

(continues humming)

Aha!
Painted windows shut, okay?

According to Cook County Civil
Code Section 8, it is illegal to

restrict ventilation in a
residential property.

I throw that shit at her, you're
gonna stay in this apartment as

long as you want.

Okay, well, let's get
out of this cesspool.

All right. Okay.

Can I take all these?

I can't wait to use this
stuff at my cocktail party.

Well, I guess I got to pick up
one of these cases for Sofia.

(loud, strained grunt)

God, my hammy!

Pick up with your legs.

Oh, my hamstring.

Whoa, break time.

A little help, Taco.

Here you go. This'll help.

Uh... uh... Yeah, chew.

This is living right here.

This is nice.

Yeah... let's just put
that back over there.

It's your sweat pants.

Yeah. It is my sweat pants.

You love them so much.

These sweat pants make my junk
feel so good, it feels like

two angels are just holding my
balls ever so gently while my

trunk is just being refreshed
by a river of feathers.

It's so nice.

So you're telling me you would
rather get a fleece jibber

than get it on with your wife?

To be honest with you, babe,
right now I feel great.

Oh, God, we're so boring.

No, we're not.

We have to shake it up.

Shake it up, shake
it up, shake it up.

Do you want to get high?

Huh?

I don't know, it might
be fun to get some weed.

Weed?

Yes, let's smoke some
pot and get high.

Okay.

Yeah?

I'm in.
I'd like to get high with you.

Let's be that couple.

Yes. I don't know where
to get the weed, though.

Where do we get it?

(crickets chirping)

Taco.

Taco.

So, you came to
visit the doctor.

I did, indeed.

I popped my hamstring when I was
picking up that crate at Taco's

place, and I've been in
serious agony ever since.

So if we could just get a little
prescription for a couple of

painkillers to get me through the week, I'd be...
You just want a prescription

for painkillers, right?

That's it, that's it.

Okay. Let's do that.

Awesome.

Ask you a couple
questions first.

What? Why?

You came to the
doctor's office, right?

Got to get your
medical history.

Can't just prescribe
drugs willy-nilly.

So, date of birth?

You've been at my birthday every
year for the last 20 years.

Okay. Patient is being hostile.

Are you a smoker?

No.

How many drinks would you
say you have in a week?

I have, like, one drink a week.

Really? One drink a week?

One drink a week.

All right, do you engage
in sexual activity?

Yep.

With multiple partners?

Only when your mom and
sister are in town.

I'm not gonna write that down.

Have you ever engaged
in anal intercourse?

I refer you to my last answer.

Let me just give you a
little brief recap here.

You are a nonsmoker, light
drinker who engages in anal

intercourse with my
mother and sister.

Look, Andre, just, please,
I just need a couple of

painkillers to get
me through the week.

What do you think we're in,
Tijuana here, you can just come

in, tell me what you want and
I'll write you a prescription?

If we were in Tijuana, Andre,
there would be a goddamn monkey

in a sombrero blowing a donkey.

(whispers): Not in
a doctor's office.

WOMAN (over intercom):

Dr. Nozick, line one.

Oh, give me a second.

Hey, Crystal.

Brought your...
Uh, yeah, I'll be right there.

Okay, so if you could just
disrobe, I'll come back and

continue the examination.

Let's see what you're...
(groans)

Oh, couple scrippies.

Well, I guess this
examination is done.

Ow, ow.

I can't believe you stole
my prescription pad.

(singsongy): Ruxin
took some scrippies.

What?

And then I went and bought a
bunch of painkillers with it.

I love Painkiller Ruxin.

He's happy, he's nice.

You've committed a crime.

The only crime I have is
that I love you too much.

And prescription drug fraud.

No.

Who cares?

I could lose my license.

You-- I'll drive you around.

This is good.

Hey.

Chuck!

ALL: Two-Nut Chuck!

Two-Nut Chuck!

Two-Nut Chuck!

Shot, shot, shot.

Oh, n-n-no, got one of these.

Quarters!

Old school.

That's an idea.

N-N-No, it's a sobriety chip.

What?

Sober.

I don't drink anymore.

I'm, I'm completely
done with alcohol.

You became an alcoholic
after you left town?

No, I became an alcoholic
before I left town, and that's

the whole reason I left town.

I thought you left because
you got a new job.

Yeah, I had to go get a new
job because I had pulled my

balls out and showed my boss and...
(laughing): That's awesome.

Sorry.

It was not awesome to her.

This is crazy.

You're not an alcoholic.

An alcoholic is an alcoholic.

There are no levels.

Oh, so you just
drink socially now?

No, come on, we can
still have fun, though.

We can still play beer pong.

Cool, right?

All right, yeah.

Yeah.

Just without the beer.

Oh, but that's just Ping- Pong.

Yeah, Ping-Pong's for fat
kids at summer camp.

These shoes are
making my feet sweat.

Hi-yah.

Whoa, sorry.

Hi-yah.

Ruxin.

Chuck, would you sit in
gum for me real quick?

I, I can't sit in gum for you.

Come on, just one more
time for old times' sake.

No, I can, I can never sit in
gum for anyone anymore, okay?

Why not?

If there is any person on this
earth that I would sit in

gum for, it would be you, but I
wouldn't be doing it with my spirit.

I would just be sitting
in gum with my body.

That's enough for me-- I just
need your body to sit in gum.

No, it's a hollow gesture.

Okay, I got blue gum just
thinking about how hard I want

to sit in gum for
you, but I cannot.

My gum is dead to you, and
I hope you understand.

You've got to get the...
Oh, I-I get it, I got it.

It's in the bathroom.

Don't worry about it.

(overlapping chatter)

You don't have... oh.

He's barefoot in the
bathroom at Señor Crab's.

I know, I just peed all
over the floor in there.

Why would you pee on the floor?

Everybody does.

Grace told me you
wouldn't understand.

She didn't even want
me to come here.

Who the hell is Grace?

She's my fiancée, she is my
rock, and she is right there.

I'll be there in a
second, I'm sorry.

Hi.

Um, the other one... Who is she?

Yeah, that's her sister, but
don't even think about it.

She would not go for your type.

Come on, just do
me this one solid.

15 years of friendship, okay?

You're not going to sit in gum for
me, Chuck, so do this one thing.

In lieu of sitting in gum, I will
see what I can do with her sister.

Yeah, come on, Chuck.

But you have to promise me that you're
gonna be responsible tonight, okay?

Put down that beer, okay?

No more, done.

Winners drink water.

Hey, I'm a winner.

I'll see you soon.

Can I, uh, get a
pitcher, please?

I found it.

Okay, we don't need
to use that ball.

Why?

Just take off the TP,
it's good as new.

Boop.

That ball has hair.

Oh, I guess it hit puberty.

(Ruxin laughs)

(Andre groans)

Let's do this next one.

Oh, that's a point for us.

Don't-- you don't
have to drink that.

That's another point for us.

So I called Taco's guy,
he's on his way.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Good, I dropped Ellie off
at the slumber party.

She will be there till
tomorrow morning.

We're gonna get
so baked tonight.

It's gonna be so fun.

It's gonna be awesome.

Did you make anything?

Like, is there any snacks or...?

Should I put some food out?

Should I have made lasagna?

Lasagna?

What, is he Garfield?

That's way too heavy of a
meal this time of night.

Well, I don't know what to do.

I've never hosted a
drug dealer before.

Well, neither have I.

(Jenny screams)

Hey, man.

We gonna do this or what?

Whoa, what kind of weed is that?

That's not weed, it's coke.

I-I ordered weed.

You ordered a DVD.

I wanted weed.

No, weed's a VHS.

Well, then, I ordered a VHS.

Did you read the menu?

It's a little
confusing-- the menu.

It's not confusing.

VHS is weed, DVD is
coke, Beta is crank.

I really would prefer that you just took
back the DVD and, and brought a VHS.

No, I didn't bring the VHS.

Well, I don't have a DVD player.

It's a one-way trip.

I came all the way out here.

I'm not leaving without $500.

So how do you want to...?

$500?

That's how much a DVD is.

$500?

VHS is a lot less.

You want to spend a lot less?

Well, we're not
spending anything.

I'm not giving you $500.

I'm leaving here with your $500, either
with the coke or without the coke.

You want to keep it, fine, I
don't really care, but I'm

leaving here with 500
of your dollars.

You understand?

Oh, fine, all right.

$500.

Oh, come on, don't do the...
Shh.

He's doing the whole thing.

Just... Just-- babe...
That's it?

I just take off?

No cheese plate, no
crackers, nothing?

She was going to make a lasagna.

I was going to make a lasagna.

Oh, come on, lasagna,
this time of night.

Pull it together.

Come on, lady.

Have a good night.

Okay.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for stopping
by, and please never come back.

Oh, my God, do you see how
much cocaine is there?

Hey, Chuck, what's going on?

I think you have a
drinking problem.

I-I can't say I'm surprised.

I had a feeling you might say
this, but honestly, Chuck, I

think you have a
sobriety problem.

What is a sobriety problem?

Well, uh, we're gonna
talk about it.

There are some people here who
would like to talk to you.

This is all from
a place of love.

Here's a beer for you.

Thank you for my beer.

How's your beer?

Delicious.

Andre, your Pinot Grigio?

It's actually a Pinot Blanc, but,
you know, I'm not complaining.

Anyhow, as you can see, there's
a beer, there is a beer,

there is a white wine,
and there is water.

What is going on here?

Welcome to your reverse
intervention, Chuck.

Reverse intervention?

Yeah.

Your sobriety is causing a
rift amongst your friends and

the people who love you, and quite
frankly I need a good wingman.

You're the best wingman that ever was
when you're drinking, of course.

Okay, so you want me to drink
so you can pick up girls?

Yes.

Yeah.

No, it's bigger than that.

Look, as you know, I'm doing the
Monday Night Football mixology party.

It's gonna be a lot of fun and
I'd love for you to come.

But if you did come and you
weren't drinking, would that

make everyone else feel awkward and then
would it become a reflection on me?

You know what?

Just drink this
because we love you.

Do it.

No, I'm not going to
drink any alcohol.

Pound it.

I think what we need to do
is show you an example.

Okay, Kevin, show him how you feel
right now before this beer comes over.

Okay, now go ahead
and drink this.

You see what happens
there, Chuck?

Do you understand that if I have
even one sip, I keep going

until I do something I regret?

Like sit in gum, a-and I
cannot ever sit in gum again.

Don't you ever say that!

Ever!

Look, I think we might be having a
little breakthrough here, guys.

Maybe you're just addicted
to showing your junk.

Yes.

Right? You don't need to go
to AA, you need to go to JA.

Junk Anonymous.

Yeah.

You don't understand.

Yeah, I go from zero
to gum in, like, that.

You know what?

If you come to my party, you can
take out your junk, you can not

take out your junk, no joke.

Andre, stop with the mixology.

Come on. You... What? What?
Now you're being unreasonable.

You can even text me up
until the hour before.

I just need a little
bit of notice.

So, where is this big-time
lawyer you talk about, huh?

He's coming.

Oh.

He's just a little bit late.

We'll see about that, won't we?

Since we have a little bit
of time, you want to...?

No, my legs are closed to you.

Fine.

You know Chinese kids will let
you play kickball with them.

Hi, Ruxin.

This is your lawyer?

This is my lawyer. What...?

What's up, Taco?!

What?

Hey, look, my landlord--
you remember my landlord?

What is this, a joke,
him with his...?

Hey!

I am not joking...
about how good this corn dog is.

Ruxin? (clears throat)

Can I talk to you for a second?

Just one...
What's wrong with you?

I need you to be the lawyer
guy you were before.

I am your lawyer.

No. Hey, snap out...
I didn't feel that.

I don't feel that.

Are you on painkillers again?

Uh!

Oh, man, none of my
friends can handle drugs.

Look, I need you to
be sharp, Ruxin.

Sharp, Ruxin.

The window stuff.

(Ruxin hums)

(humming & singing goofy tune)

Back me up, Taco.

Uh... (goofy humming
& singing resumes)

(Taco imitates drumming)

All right, all right.

That-That-That's enough.

All right, that's enough then.

You have 24 hours to get your
stuff out of here, all right?

What?

You-- my apartment, number five.

Let's do this!

Ruxin, you got me kicked out!

What's the big deal?

You come live
with me and Sofia.

(Ruxin resumes goofy singing)

Gee.

Techno beat. Techno...
(Taco hums rhythmically)

Corn dog, corn dog, corn dog, corn dog,
corn dog, corn dog, corn dog...

(Ruxin sings silly tune)

How long we gonna do this?!

Welcome to Andre Capone's.

The first drink is for you.

No, let's name the first
one after Andre, the host.

Very well. Lay it on me.

The Poser's Demise.

Little bit of gin.

Muddled fashion sense.

Topped off with long
bouts of celibacy.

All right, do you guys
want drinks or not?

ALL: Yes.

Yes. Sorry.

Good. It's a five-stop drink.

Now... Five steps?

You have to wait for it, because
what happens is, we're

making the drink on
every single level.

The fruit, the alcohol--
it all combines... Okay.

What are you doing?

You can't...
You're separating the stations.

Gin and tonic?

Sure.

Ruxin, what do you want?

Yes, have some.

You need to be using a jigger.

Hey, I know it's the 1920s, but you
still got to whisper that word.

Now, while you may be fast, my
muddling is going to be much

more rewarding to your palette.

Yo. Cheers, guys.

Cheers, guys.

Cheers.

Andre, where's your drink?

It's almost done.

Oh.

Hey, come here, come here.

You can't be drinking
on painkillers.

Andre, will you please
leave him alone?

P.K. Ruxin is great.

Are you not enjoying this?

He's beautiful!

Okay, you know what?

Live your life...
Just put this here till Taco comes.

Do whatever you want to do.

Somewhere there's a riverboat
missing a casino dealer.

Okay, just live your life.

I don't care. Hey.

Chuck.

Chuck...!

Hey. How you doing?

Welcome to Andre Capone's, the best
speakeasy this side of Chicago.

Even though we normally serve
alcohol, we got a non-alcoholic

beverage right here
in the crapper.

Don't you mean hopper?

Hopper. I'll be right back.

Thank you.

So, Chuck, where are the girls?

Grace and Jade are gonna come by
a little bit later, 'cause I

wanted to talk to
you guys first.

My strainer, and it is. Ooh.

Confectionery sugar.

We don't have this.

I can't change you any more than

you can make me sit in gum.

You're gonna sit in gum?

No, no, no, no, I am
not gonna sit in gum.

(all talking at once)

Are you nuts?

It might get hot, bro.

All right, fair enough,
Chuck, fair enough.

It's good to see you back.

It's good to be back.

(all talking at once)

Drinks are served.

The tall glasses are for the high spirits,
the low glass is for the no spirits.

And a toast.

To the league.

ALL: To the league.

All right.

Mmm.

Good.

Delicious.

Those are actually Taco's
own marinated fruits.

Staying clean never
tasted so great.

Barkeep, I'll have another.

Yeah!

(cheering)

Who wants a drink?

I'll take one right here.

I want a drink, I want a drink,
I want a drink, I want a drink!

Let me get another drink.

Oh, my God, these drinks are making
my breath taste so delicious.

Did I get you? Did I get you?

No, no.

Oh, Jesus, Taco,
you look horrible.

Hey, guys.

What is wrong with you?

What are you doing?

Haven't had anything
natural in two weeks.

Hey, I got to talk to you for a second.
Put your stuff down.

Come here. Put it down.

I have to get to the kitchen.

When is Flannagan,
the drug dealer...?

Flannagan?

Who wants drinks?

I don't know. Why do I need to
know when Flannagan's coming?

I'll take a drink.

Because I got to get
rid of this coke.

I put the coke in the top drawer
over there, and now, you know, I

got to get rid of it.

You what?!

I got to sell it back to him.

If you put the coke in the top
drawer, whose cocaine is that?

Huh?

I'm making the drinks.

I'm faster than I've
ever been before.

Oh. Oh, God, that's cocaine!

He's been doing cocaine.

He's got to take it out of
our noses and our mouths.

Guys, why is my face on fire?

'Cause Andre's been giving us
co-laced drinks all night.

I'm like the drummer in Def
Leppard, but I have both arms.

That's why we're all jacked
up-- we're on cocaine?

No, no, no, no, no, I'm on Aspartame,
sucralose and hairspray.

But Chuck-- are you telling me right
now that Chuck is on cocaine?

Oh, shit, yes!

Oh, shit, I got to
get out of here.

You look great. You look great. You look great...
I think he's gonna have a

heart attack.

Emergency! Coming through.

Talk about freaking out.

I'm freaking out.

Calm down. I'm gonna talk
you through this, okay?

Okay, okay.

You're probably gonna
have a heart attack.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

When you die, I'm gonna take
care of everything, brother.

No! Bad!

I'm gonna raise Ellie for you,
I'm gonna have sex with Jenny.

I promise you, I promise you...

Don't you dare!

...I am not gonna wear a condom.

Oh, God, please!

You know what you need?

What? What? What?

You're gonna be okay.

Okay. Yeah, I feel better.

Let's do push-ups, come on.

(overlapping chatter)

Push-ups.

Down, down and up, down and
up, down and up...

What the queer is going on here?

Oh look it's the drug dealer.

- We exchange the coke or not?
- Yes.

We're here to exchange the coke but
oh shit, we did it all.

Uh that's not good.

Two nut Chuck is back and he
wants some coke.

YEEEEAH.

Yo give us a go.
Give us a go.

You want a DVD?

***

You want a DVR that's pharmaceutical
great stuff

what do you want?

- Do you have BluRays?
- I do have BluRays but that's oxycodone.

It's so confusing.
I just want to get wasted.

Hey, okay.
What do you want?

I just want to order
some peanut butter cause

Ruxin's about to get gum
in his head.

- YEEEAH.
- YEEEAH.

Charles?

I sat in gum.
I sat in gum.

Charles?
What the hell is going on?

Grace.

Feels like I'm wearing a tiny hat.

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