All language subtitles for The League s03e02 The Sukkah.eng

JENNY: What do you think, guys?
There it is!

TACO: Yeah, it's great.

And the airbrushing
job's awesome.

It's not airbrushed.

Well, now, your breasts are way
fuller in the ad than in real life.

Those aren't airbrushed,
Taco, those are the girls.

It could be a push-up bra, but based on
lift not only up but out, I doubt it.

And the mole on your
left breast is gone.

Unless it's closer to the
areola than I... Okay.

KEVIN: That's... that's enough.

Inappropriate.

What if she's in a terrible
accident one day, and someone

has to tell them how to put
her titties back together?

What?

I'd do the same for you.

I have a picture of your penis.

Um, excuse me?

I don't want you taking
any more dick pics of me.

You understand me?

Kevin!

Does everyone have
a dick pic of me?

Look at this!

What is he doing?

There's so many benches.

Why is he picking my bench?

Well, he could have chosen any
bench, and he chose yours.

He's right up in those titties.

Yeah.

Mmm... Whoa, he is
motorboating those fakies.

Oh, God.

Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

This season already sucks.

This is not good on my stomach
and my bowels, all right?

PETE: Oh, come on.

I can't talk to Ruxin about the
draft order, I can't talk to

Andre about the porno... Guys.

RUXIN: Oh, hello, gentlemen.

Hey, there.

Hey.

I bring wonderful news to fill
your pathetic social calendars.

You're going to be receiving an Evite
shortly to a Sukkot party at my house.

A what kind of party?

Coat party?

Sukkot.

It's the Jewish
harvest festival.

We all hang out in this
tent thing in my yard.

It's like a Jewish Bonnaroo?

Yeah, minus the patcholi
and underlying sadness.

All right, so... since when does Sophia
allow you to celebrate Judaism in your

house?

No, no, no.

Forget Sophia.

Since when do you allow
Judaism in your own house?

Uh, trying to get Baby Geoffrey in to a
Jewish preschool, and I have to invite

Mrs. Klein over, who runs the
school, to make a good impression.

But just be aware...
don't park in the driveway, because there's

a pothole right in front of it that will
scrape the tits right off of your car.

Why don't you just call the
city and have them fix it?

I've called the city 100
times, but they do not care

about the plight of the upper-
middle-class white suburban male at all.

Yeah, that's because they spend all their
time cleaning grfiti off walls in my

neighborhood.

That's a city ordinance.

The city has to clean up any dangerous
or racially insensitive material ASAP.

There's nothing racially insensitive
about a dragon with a chainsaw penis.

(phone ringing)

Of course there isn't.

Hello!

Hey, babe.

Oh... Oh, it's getting quiet.

The walk-away.

Here we go.

You have to be very specific.

That aisle is very
confusing to me.

Well, is "pearl" a
style or a brand?

What is it?

Oh.

We talking lady stuff?

Okay, bye, all right, bye.

Thank you.

Very much.

Jenny's got her period, so it's
probably a joy for me at home,

and I have to stop
and get tampons.

I thought at this point, after
all the time you spend

together, you'd be
on the same cycle.

We do not get our periods
at the same time.

Oh, no wait, you and Pete...
No, I... Oh, God.

Forget it.

That never gets old
for you, does it?

Does a man ever tired of
looking at the sunrise...

when he's balls-deep in Kevin?

That's impressive.

How'd you get them
out here so fast?

What do I owe the
pleasure, Pete?

Well, I got a trade
proposition for you.

Dwayne Bowe for Owen Daniels.

More than fair trade.

Helps everybody.

Would you like to
hear my counteroffer?

Owen Daniels for LeSean
McCoy and Tolbert.

Really?

Do, do you really think
that's going to work?

It's like you trolling around the
bar looking for a hand jibber.

Every once in a while,
someone says yes.

Were you guys taking trades?

Yeah.

How's the sukkah coming along?

Oh, it's coming
along great, man.

Where did you get that wood?

Don't ask.

Look, I'm sensing that there could be
like a multi-team trade happening here.

Mm-hmm.

But we're one man short.

That man is Andre.

Yeah.

Well, the problem with Andre is,
he won't trade with us unless we

go to his apartment.

Where we shot a porno film.

Oh.

Exactly.

I was in the room.

There was so much semen.

Ugh.

I don't want to go.

Oh, but I need a running back!

Okay.

I will go, but I'm going to go
change my clothes and then throw

them in the trash afterwards.

What trash can?

ANDRE: Gentlemen, welcome.

Come on in.

S'up?

Come on, sit down,
take a load off.

You know, I think better on
my feet, I'm good, thank you.

My knees don't work.

All right, all right.

Your loss.

And I am now open for any and all...
Oh, ooh, boy.

Five-second rule, right?

(gagging)

Gross.

So what's the uh,
the trade proposal?

It's a four-way
trade, basically.

It would involve
the four of us.

It could help
everybody's teams out.

No.

I don't trust it.

Look, Taco's in.

I'm in.

Even Ruxin's in.

I'm not... I mean, come on, you're not
going to make me beg on you, are you?

(yells) Don't touch
me, don't touch me!

Calm down, all right?

I know that you live on a futon,
but just because it's a piece of

art doesn't mean we
can't sit on it.

I mean, hell, I sleep
on this thing.

That's probably
drool over here.

Ugh.

Not drool.

(gagging quietly)

Yeah, gotta get that cleaned...
.h Look at this.

You left your ring here, Ruxin.

Uh-uh, not mine.

What do you mean,
it's not your ring?

It says "Ruxin" right on it.

Yeah, it says Ruxin, right?

That's definitely your ring.

Yeah, take it back.

No, gross.

Take it.

Kiss the ring.

Yeah, I think you
should go ahead.

Ah!

There you go, take the ring.

(gagging)

So what's up with
the Sacko porno?

I got a fax from Dirty Randy.

It's almost done.

A fax?

How lovely.

Oh, God.

What?

Evite from Ruxin.

Here we go.

Oh, for that Sukkot thing?

Sukkot?

I don't know what
this thing is.

Oh, I have an idea how
to roll out the porno.

You know those video
billboards on Michigan Avenue?

Mm-hmm.

We can play a scene-by-scene ou're driv...
Oh, my God.

What?

Google Earth.

Getting closer, getting closer.

And there he is!

Caught on Google Maps.

Oh.

Wow.

Ruxin.

You tag, Ruxin?

Wow, we have more in
common than I thought.

Probably not even me.

I wish we could get
closer somehow.

Uh-oh!

Oh...
Smug face and all, there he is.

I do appreciate you telling me, 'cause
I was able to un-send that Evite.

Correct me if I'm wrong here,
but that's you, that's a

swastika, so that would
make you anti-Semitic?

You're a self-hating Jew.

First of all, I
don't hate myself.

And second, if I did look
inward, which I won't, I think

we would find that my Judaism would be
the least objectionable thing about me.

But that is an
egregious hate crime.

It's a hideous act.

You have to be
ashamed of yourself.

Oh, ladies, I know we're on
that time of the month, but

let's just relax a little.

What?

What?

What?

Yeah, she's on her period, right?
Yeah.

Yeah.

What? You told me.

Anyway, the street has
never looked better.

Can we all agree on that?

Well, we have the answer
to the equation then.

Problem plus swastika
equals problem solved.

Tell that to the Jews.

That's it.

I'm offering a reward.

Any player on my team-- the best
team-- for information about

what happened in my loft.

Nothing happened in your loft.

Really?

You're going crazy.

Nothing happened in my loft.

Oh, I'm going crazy.

Guess what?

I contracted thrush.

Thrush?

Yeah.

That's a woman's
vaginal disease.

I know.

It's a yeast infection.

Oh, my God, it's in your
vagina-- this is serious.

I don't have a vagina!

If you kept your vagina clean,
you wouldn't have thrust.

It's thrush, Taco.

Wait, aren't you supposed to get
thrush from sleeping with one?

Yes, but that is not
possible at this time.

No further comment.

It's the Immaculate Infection.

Yes, it is.

Laugh all you want, but I know
none you can pass up a deal.

Anyone on my roster
for information.

Any player?

Any player.

Timmy Brigg?

Yeah, even Timmy Brigg.

You know, oh, no, no!

(bleep) you!

This is not about me.

I am the accuser.

'Cause I know there be a witch
in this town, and you're all

suspects, you cowpokes.

And this dark city of Gotham's
got a gloomy cloud, 'cause I'm

gonna ride my horse
right down Main Street.

You're really mixing genres.

Am I?

Is that a detective
hat or a cowboy hat?

It's a modernist porkpie by
Juicy, if you must know.

Adios.

Andre, there's no
number on this thing.

Should we just contact you
at the free health clinic?

I will make a hotline
and you will call that.

Arrivedei, amigas.

You guys want a drink?

Couple Bloody Marys?

That's really funny, Ruxin.

Not cool.

Look, he's there.

He's always there, Kevin.

He's ruining my sign.

The good news is he's not
motorboating your breasts anymore.

He has done worse.

Really?

Yes.

It's where he lives.

You have got to get him
to pick another bench.

You want me to kick the
homeless guy off the bench?

Yes, evict him from my bench.

So not only now will he be
homeless, he'll be benchless.

Yes.

I can't do that.

That's not me.

You can do this.

Do it!

Fine.

Go.

Please.

Fine.

Go.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, how-how are you doing?

Uh, I'm doing great.

I'm-I'm living on a bench.

I'm sorry, I sh--
that's-- stupid question.

Apologize.

Um, speaking of the bench, would
it be possible for me to get you

to move off this bench, so that my
wife's ad can be seen by everyone?

I like this bench.

It's shady and it's upwind
from the bush I shit in.

That's important.

That's your wife?

Yeah, that's my wife.

She's a beauty, right?

Yeah.

She's the floating muse;

a dreamscape of femininity.

Look, buddy, I'm sorry that you're, uh,
you're down on your luck, all right?

My wife's on her period, and she's
very, very mean right now,

and this bench is all she has.

It would make my life so much
easier if you could just find

another bench, that's all.

Very mean?

Like, you know, just
grinding me into the ground.

I been there myself, man.

It's a horrible thing.

Irrational, man.

My ex threw my stuff on the street,
'cause she was having her period.

You got it, man.

I wish you all the best.

I'll get out of
here; it's fine.

Don't worry about it.

You rest easy.

You did it.

And that's how we do that.

What did you say to him?

I took care of it, man to man.

I just told him, I said, "Hey, man,
you're disrespecting my wife.

She's my dreamscape
of femininity."

- What?
- Yeah.

You said that?

Just came up with
it, top of my head.

It was crazy.

Like a warrior poet.

Oh.

Is there, like, a trade embargo
that I don't know about?

I've literally put out,
like, ten trade offers.

No bites, nothing.

I got a couple feelers out there, too,
and no one seems to be responding.

It's like everyone's on
lockdown or something.

I totally offered you a trade.

You offered me Michael
Crabtree for Michael Vick.

I'm not gonna be trade-raped
by my own wife.

I'd be so gentle.

Seriously, the real problem here is this
whole reward situation that Andre is

offering.

You know Ruxin's gonna sing.

He can't help himself.

Ruxin would rat out his own
family if he thought it could

get him in the playoffs.

Yeah, and then Ruxin is gonna
tell Andre about Sexfest 2011 in

his condo, and then Andre's
gonna get pissed off, and he's

gonna tell Ruxin about how we screwed
him out of the first pick in the draft.

You are the commissioner;

you have to fix this.

I don't want to be the guy who takes
the fall for all this-- hold... What?

Hold on, I got to call you back.

I got a Taco thing
happening here.

All right, pick up the
pace, little Ellie.

Stop riding me.

Guys, what are you doing?

We're building a suck-it!

What?

Excuse me?

The sukkah for the Jewish
harvest festival of Sukkot.

Why is it on our front lawn?

Taco said we could
build it here.

Taco has no jurisdiction
at our house, okay?

I thought you liked the Jews.

If you don't, we can move it.

Uh, please, we love Jews.

Jews are great.

Jews are great.

Well, Ellie is having a great time with
all these hammers and nails, so...

She's killing it on
the electric saw.

Learned in five minutes.

Ellie.

Go in, just watch some TV.

Just go inside, we're gonna
start dinner soon, okay?

Wash your hands, please.

No promises!

You're killing me here.

Nail gun's a two-man job,
and this guy's useless.

I want all of this
out of my house.

Look, I can't have the party at
my house, 'cause people will

Google Map it, they'll see the
swastika, and they'll think I'm

having some sort of
suburban Kristallnacht.

And whose fault is that?

I would say Hitler, and
really, the Poles.

They were the
worst of them all.

Okay, enough.

You want to build this here?
Fine, but you have to swear that

you will never tell Andre about the
porno we filmed in his apartment.

Yeah.

Understand me?

How dare you.

I'm not kidding, Ruxin.

One word to Andre, and you can
pack up this whole Hebrew

Habitat for Humanity and
send it on to Skid Row.

And by the way, Baby Geoffrey,
he can go to public school, too.

What's wrong with public school?

Stole this hammer
from a public school.

Exactly.

Fine.

"Jenny MacArthur
has her period?"

Kevin, what did you say to him?

But, look, the bum's gone.

How would a bum know
that I had my period?

I don't, I don't know.

Maybe he's, like, a
menstrual medium.

A menstrual medium?

Like, he sees menstrually, with cycles and...
the-the tides

in and out and the-the way the moon goes over...
Are your brain and mouth

connected, Kevin?

Sometimes.

Sometimes they're not.

You have to fix this, Kevin.

What do you want me to do?

I don't care. I don't know.

- How do you want me to fix this?
- I don't know! Just fix it, Kevin!

Can you explain to me what
happened to the beautiful buxom

lass who just wanted
to sell houses, huh?

Fix it, Kevin.

Just fix it.

All right, come on, guys;

we need to talk.

Whoa.

What the hell?

Look at this.

Taco, this sukkah is
supposed to be for Sukkot.

Yes, and after
Sukkot comes Taccot.

What is Taccot?

Taccot is an ideal plane of
existence where the 12 tribes of

Israel come together with people
who are high on mushrooms and

groove to Aphex Twin.

This is my home.

Yeah, I'll give you all-access
passes at a discount rate.

Guys, can we take
a seat, please?

Sit.

(Jenny sighs)

All right, I been thinking about
this a lot, and I think our

league is lacking something.

A giant.

No, guys, trust.

Every league gets to this point
where we've cheated each other

so many times over the years, we
don't trust each other enough to

make a simple trade.

We've crossed the distrust horizon
into the land of no trades.

Gee, I wonder who's
responsible for that.

You are the Patient
Zero of distrust, Pete.

Okay.

I admit it.

But it's t'se for us to clear the air
and get a little honesty going, okay?

Okay.

What happened in my
apartment during the draft?

Nothing!

Nothing!

Nothing.

Did you guys cheat
picking the draft order?

No!

No!

No, no.

No.

Nope.

Okay, good.

Now that we're all being honest, I
would ke to show you something.

Ooh.

(all murmuring with awe)

Cute!

Mm-hmm.

As you can all see, all
of our teams suck.

Some of the lineups
aren't even legal.

So in honor of Sukkot, I would
like to propose to you what I

call the eight-way trade.

Wait-- an eight-way?

But Andre's sister's
not even here.

Andre's sister?

She's not gonna last.

I think I've come up with a plan
that everyone will be happy

with if we just... do this.

Okay, Andre, you're in
need of a good defense.

You got, like, four tight ends.

I have four defenses
and no tight ends.

Huh.

Kevin, three quarterbacks.

Yeah.

That could help out Taco, and
the thing is, you got to start

getting rid of some
of these kickers.

I like kickers.

They're the toughest.

Jenny, you might need more at wide
receiver than just Michael Crabtree.

Ruxin, you could let go of one
or two of your wide receivers.

I'm not letting go
of anyone good-- no!

Package two wide receivers with the
Baltimore defense and trade it for.. MJD.

I like Maurice Jones-Drew.

I know you do.

Hey, what about me?

Haven't forgotten
about you, Kevin.

It's good.

It's like a useless Good
Will Hunting.

It's still not fair.

Just wait. Hold on.

You just got a great kicker.

One more move, and it's done.

Do we havee a deal?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Looks pretty good to me.

Sukkot pact, 2011. All in?

ALL: All in.

Yeah, I'm in.

Thank you.

How's the big trade coming?

What's up?

The deadline's Sukkot, so
I'm just about to check.

Um, have you seen Andre?
Is he here yet?

No, I haven't seen him. Why?

The Sacko porno?

It's finished? Yes!

This is gonna be so epic.

What's gonna be epic?

BOTH: Sukkot!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.
What's up? Shalom.

ALL: Shalom!

Hey, does this count
as a yarmulka?

Saw a picture of Ashton Kutcher
going into a Kabbalah center

rocking one of these, so I figure if
he can do it-- pretty kosher, right?

Yeah, totally.

Totally kosher.

ALL: Yeah.

Let's go check this thing out.

All right, cool.

Cool.

Oh. Um, I'll meet you guys
out at the Sukkot hut.

Hi, Mrs. Klein. How are you?

Rodney.

Good Yontiff. Shalom.

Shalom.

have to ask.

How did Jeffrey's
evaluation go?

Very well.

Very well.

Lovely boy.

Takes after his father.

Mm.

Thank you so much for coming.

I'm sorry about the
change of venue.

You know, the city is doing some
work outside my house, but the

benefit is that we are now able
to share a rich Jewish tradition

with those less fortunate than us,
both financially and spiritually.

Have you met Jenny?

No.

Jenny?

This is Mrs. Klein.

Shalom.

Hi.

Thank you for comg.

Absolutely.

So this is your wife?

BOTH: No.

No.

No. My wife-- she, uh, came down
with something, so... Catholicism?

Oh, look who it is.

Hey, baby.

I want to show
everybody the suckit.

Sukkah.

Suckit, suckit.

Sukkah.

No, the-the sukkah.

Sukkah! Let's go.

Okay.

Shalom.

Everything go okay
with the trade?

Kevin's on it.

It should be done by now.

Hey, where's Sofia?

I'm keeping her and her
family of conquistadors away

until Jeffrey's acceptance
into the school.

What's up, my shalom boys?

Shabbat shalom.

By the way, hooked up this giant
screen to the TV inside,

and I got ten hours of Judaica-themed
trance music in case this party gets off

the hook.

I think this party is not
going off the hook.

Oh, are we gonna put people
on chairs and do that

up-and-down thing?

Oh, you very comfortable
with that motion, but...

Yeah, I would be great at it.

Yup.

Everyone, you're invited
into the Jew fort.

Ooh, I got wristbands
for everybody.

Ooh.

No. No, no wristbands, okay?

Rodney has invited me here today
to lead you in the rite of

the lulav, which is the
celebration of the harvest, and

in order to do that, I need
four species of plants.

Here you go.

Ordinarily, we use the
date palm, the willow...

Is that what I think it is?

...and the lemon.

Yeah.

Well, this is my very own harvest,
grown in this sukkah hydroponically.

I bet she's never
used weed before.

Uh, (bleep) you.

And what are these plants?

The bitter herb.

It's an unusual smell.

Okay, let's just go
straight to the wine.

Well, no, no, no, no.

- Let-Let him do it.
- This is beautiful.

Blessed art thou, O Lord, our
God, king of the universe...

I didn't realize that sukkah
was a high holy day.

...who has commanded
us to take the lulav.

Amen.

What's that smell?

You promise me.

Never smoke the lulav, okay?

Okay.

That's how your daddy got
your mommy to make you.

I do have a Sukkot
presentation for everyone.

No, I don't think
that's necessary, Taco.

Oh, don't worry.
It's not a bother.

(overlapping chatter)

We should share.

Yes, of course.

Absolutely. Ellie, you want to
do Uncle Taco a littlitfavor?

Mm-hmm.

Can you go inside and put the Sukkot
DVD in the DVD player, please?

Okay.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Huh?

Just got an e-mail.

Looks like the trade
has gone through.

Yes.

Looks like it is a
seven-way trade.

What?

Looks like Andre screwed you.

What?

Everybody else got their
plays except for you.

I think we're just gonna have
a quick little chat, if you

don't mind. Excuse us.

But... I'm sorry. Shalom.

Hmm.

No and no.

Why'd you screw me?

Okay, what happened to
the new honest league?

You know what?

If we're gonna start over,
I wanted to be you.

I wanted to be the
patient zero, for once!

Let me be patient zero.

That is so wrong on so many levels,
I just can't even respond.

"Sacka."

Open.

Close.

I gave you my trust, and you turn
around, and you stab me in the back.

Okay, I would never
do that to you!

I'm back... I'm so tired from such
a long day of terrible doctoring.

I've been waiting for you.

Oh, shit.

Well, hello.

Hello.

What is that?

That is too early,
is what that is.

What are you doing here
in my metrosexual loft?

Oh, my God!

I need a full-body
inspection right away.

In my apartment!

You know, I have to tell you.

There's been a rash of anti-Semitic
graffiti in this neighborhood.

What?

And last night, I saw a man
paint a swastika on a bench.

- No.
- Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah, this is so right.

Doctor. Yeah, Dr. Naughty.

I love your teeth, I love your tummy...
Is that supposed to be me?

Uh, an improved
version of you, yeah.

I would never treat my
apartment like that.

What about coming clean?

Oh, he came clean
quite a few times.

On my fainting coach?

Oh... Oh, God.

It's an antique.

A man just came on my couch.

You are paying for the steam
cleaning, and guess what?

You're all pornographers.

Every one of you!

What is this?

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