Original subtitles

Previously on

"The Increasingly Poor

"Decisions of Todd Margaret."

Brent Wilts: How would you

like to go to London?

Sell energy drinks to the U.K.!

Todd Margaret: I was looking

for dynamic integrated

business solutions.

Wh-whas your name?

Dave: Dave.

How are you planning

to sell all this shit?

We have found

a suspect package,

and we are gonna blow it up.

Oh!

That's my luggage.

Woman: Two weeks ago,

I made the mistake

of sleeping with you.

That mistake doesn't

make me your girlfriend.

Alice: Pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you.

And here is a gentleman's kiss

for a true princess

of the kitchen.

You grew up in Leeds?

My dad lives in Leeds.

Li-lived in Leeds.

He's dead, 'cause I did

grow up in Leeds,

if anybody asks.

I'm just saying.

Oh!

Pervert.

And if I see you again,

I'll rip your balls off!

>>Ou love it, don't ya?

Have another.

Show 'em how much you love it.

You've gotta show 'em

the energy, Todd.

You don't need another one.

No!

I want one!

Oh, oh!

I'd like to buy

a can of "Thunder Muscle."

You're a nice lady.

-- sync by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --

A Plan Is Hatched and a Date Is Not a Date Original Air Date on October 8, 2010 [S01E02]

The charges include

child endangerment, espionage,

embezzlement, persistent

public urination,

impersonating a gentleman.

Order!

Order!

Silence in court!

Good morning,

Mr. Margaret.

Buttered scone?

Hey, thanks, Jimmy.

Morning, Todd.

You need to sign off

on the Leeds account,

and you're 3 o'clock

has been moved to 16 o'clock,

and your lunch with

Simon Cowell is going

to be fish and chips.

Oh, fish and chips again?

That's all I eat.

I know-- I'm sorry, sir.

How's your cat doing?

Did my dad call?

Yeah, but you said

he's dead, remember?

Oh, right-right.

Answer your telephone.

Hey, could somebody

answer the phone, please?

Todd, my date's here.

Do I have to do

everything myself?

You need to go.

I have to do

everything myself.

Hello.

Good afternoon,

Todd Margaret.

This is Todd.

It certainly is.

Who is this?

It's me, mate.

Oh, hey, Dave-Dave.

There you go.

Are you all right, Todd?

You drank a lot of that

Thunder Muscle yesterday.

Yeah.

Uh, oh, did we sell

any Thunder Muscle?

Nope, not a single can,

not a one.

Oh, damn it.

But anything can happen.

The day's not over yet.

Well, I mean, it nearly is.

Wait-- why?

Wh-what time is it?

Uh, 1:45.

What?

Oh, uh, shit.

Okay-- yes.

I'll be in the office

in a minute.

Okay.

Ta-ta.

[ Knocking ]

Yeah.

Yes, coming.

Woman: Oy!

What are you on about?

I was using the phone.

Oh.

Nice place, Mr. Posh.

I'm sorry.

Can I ask you not to,

uh, smoke in here, please?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Sorry.

No, don't.

Mom, the babe's eatin'

all me cheese strings.

Oy!

What have I told you

about knickin' other people's

cheese strings?

Kids, huh?

Ain't worth half

as much as they used to be.

Well, it was very nice

to meet you.

Uh, thanks for coming in.

Oh, you're American.

Pam's got somethin'

of a thing for Americans.

Oh, I'm from Leeds,

fortunately.

Oh.

Ah, I think my water

is breaking.

Oh, I don't wanna make a mess.

All right.

Okay, I'll see you later.

All right.

Come on, Sambuca.

Are you me new daddy?

[ Music ]

Morning.

Piss off.

Oh, this place, Alice.

Alice?

Oh, Jesus.

Last night, you were just,

uh, that was amazing.

I mean, for me to come,

like I did, you know,

all over the place.

I-I made quite

a mess and-- oh.

I see you've heard

about "Thunder Muscle."

Yeah, that's the poisonous

crap that made you go

mental in here yesterday.

I-I looked it up on "google,"

and the Korean translates

as "bad sanitation.

"Caution to proceed

"with beverage."

I don't see

a problem with that.

You don't see

a problem with that?

No.

It's-- "Thunder Muscle" is good.

"Thunder Muscle" is good.

All right.

So, if it wasn't

the poisonous crap that made

you go mental, you must've

been drunk, then.

No, alice-- I don't drink.

Oh, yes, I had a few beers

for salesman purposes.

But, uh, the reason

I appeared drunk was because

I was actually woozy,

lightheaded because of

all the blood I had

donated earlier in the day.

You gave blood?

Yes.

It's the first thing I do

when I go to a new country

is donate blood.

Not that this is a new country,

'cause I spent my summers

in Leeds with my dad,

who recently died.

Yeah, we were pretty close,

dad and I.

He was a good man.

That's a lovely thing to do.

Where did you donate blood?

Um, I donated it to a sick

little English girl-- cancer.

Oh.

Well, you know, if-if she

gets better, you bring her

in here and she can have--

I can't, 'cause she's dead.

She-- yeah.

Already?

Yeah, yeah.

It was tragic.

Her body rejected my blood.

It was too good,

too rich, really.

It's like when you go

to an expensive restaurant,

and you have

a really nice meal,

and it's creamy,

and you love it,

but then, it's like afterwards,

like, I don't know.

That was too much, you know?

I feel sick.

Er.

Okay.

Well, thanks, Todd

I've gotta get on here.

You know, I'm busy.

I've gotta make money

to pay for all the stuff

you broke yesterday.

So, you know, unless you're

gonna order some food or--

Alice-Alice, I fully

intend to replace anything

I broke or damaged.

I mean, it's the least

I could do.

Hmm.

Well, it's not

the least I could do.

You know, I could go,

"hey, kiss my ass, bitch.

"I ain't paying you shit.

"Boom!"

Hey, what's wrong with you?

No.

Um, all right.

What-what's the most

expensive thing you have

on your menu?

It's the gut Buster

breakfast.

Okay.

Alice, I would like to order--

let's say 32 gut Buster

breakfasts and 32 large,

fresh-squeezed orange juice.

Put it on my card,

expense account.

Okay-- I will.

Morning, Dave.

Evening.

Breakfast?

Uh, no.

Juice?

No bag juice for me.

Thank you.

All right.

Well, I'll set 'em here

in case you want 'em later.

Oh, this was weird.

I went on Google earth

earlier to check out 21

and 50 Church Avenue, you know,

where you spent

your summers in Leeds.

Yeah.

Well, how long were you

gonna keep that

a secret from me?

Uh, what?

Twenty-one Church Avenue.

You lived in a hospital.

Yeah.

Well, here's the thing.

My dad-- I didn't wanna say it

as, uh, it embarrassing,

but my dad had a bit

of a temper, so I spent

half of my time there.

Oh, I thought you said

you had great times

with your dad.

I did.

I was really a masochist

back then.

So, you know, it worked out.

But, hey, listen to this.

Good news-- I'm going on a date.

Really?

Yeah.

Who's the lucky prostitute?

No, seriously.

You know Alice from the cafe?

Oh, what, her mom?

No, her.

I'm going on a date with her.

I figure, you know, I owe her

'cause of yesterday

and all that stuff and, uh,

I told her I'd take her

to the pub for dinner.

Oh, the pub,

what a true gentleman.

That I am.

Um, would you call them

and make a reservation

for two for 6 o'clock?

I don't think

they do reservations.

Excuse me.

Was that just you

undermining my authority?

No.

Do t make me give you

another verbal warning.

Reservation it is, then.

Oh, before I forget,

something came for you

in the post today.

It's a company checkbook

and your very own company

mobile phone with the number

of the head office preset.

Whoa-- preset.

Yeah.

Oh, and Mr. Wilts called.

Huh?

Oh-- what did he want?

He wants to know

how the sales are going,

you wilted prick.

His words, of course.

Well, except for "wilted."

I added that.

All right.

Uh, well, here goes nothin'.

Hey, numb nuts.

Is that you?

Hey, Mr. Wilts.

How's it going over there?

Good, good.

You making me any money?

Oh, yeah.

You were right, sir.

The brits love

their energy drinks.

Ooh, tell me about it.

Tell.

What?

Get the cock

out of your ear, dumb fuck.

I just said "tell me about it!"

Oh, right.

Uh, well, um, uh, I made

a number of sales already, uh,

to different, uh, business--

oh, hang on one second.

There's my other line.

Yeah?

Dave-Dave, give me

the name of a local

family run store.

Uh, Sainsbury's.

Okay, got it.

Thanks, Dave.

Yeah, just made a sale

at Sainsbury's.

Dave, would you mind

calling the salesman

hall of fame and tell them

to score one for the big guy?

What did you somehow

manage to do?

I just told Wilts

about the big sale.

What big sale?

The big sale

we're about to make.

How's that?

Here's what I want you

to do.

I want you to go to this

Sainsbury guy, all right?

Take him a case

of "Thunder Muscle."

Wa-wait-- me?

Yeah, you.

Give it to him free.

"Hey, we like

"your little store.

"We wish you luck with it."

Wh-why am I doing this?

Because I have a date,

remember?

Then, you take

a couple snaps, all right?

E-mail 'em to Wilts.

Get him off my back.

Tell him we'll stock his

whole store half price next.

Doesn't really sound

like a very good plan.

That's your second

verbal warning.

There it is, right there.

I didn't get to be a top ace

salesman by not knowing

how to plan plans.

Sorry, boss.

Okay.

Apology accepted.

All right.

Well, I'm gonna go back

to my apartment,

change my clothes,

get ready for my date.

I smell like piss.

Hmm.

Your clothes

were blown up, remember?

Right.

Hey, you need some

nice clothes for tonight.

I mean, you can hardly

go down there in urine-soaked,

shit-stained--

no, I didn't shit myself.

Didn't ya?

No, I didn't.

Oh, that's interesting

'cause you-you smell

like piss and shit.

I didn't!

All right-- I believe ya.

Anyway, you need some

nice clothes for tonight,

and if I were you, I'd go to--

I'm... I'm sorry.

No disrespect but, Dave,

you're clearly not me.

You know,

I want to impress her.

Know what I mean?

Oh, I get it 'cause,

you know, I dress like a loser,

and you wanna look like--

a gentleman.

Like a proper

English gentleman.

Bingo.

Not a typical American twat.

Exactly.

Well, here's

what you're gonna do.

This is the name

of a very well-respected

gentleman's outfitters.

They should have you looking

like a proper English gent

in no time.

All right.

Okay, great.

Thanks for that, Dave.

No worries, mate.

I will head there

straightaway and then

get ready for my big date.

Oh, you never know.

How ya doin'?

Probably shouldn't

be doin' this.

I got a girl back,

uh, back home,

but that's 9,000 miles away.

She'll never know, right?

It'll break her heart,

though, if she found out.

Oh, it's been months.

I have to get laid.

Well, I thought you said

you slept with that guy,

Ted or Todd, the crying guy.

Oh.

I totally forgot about him.

You know what?

I was totally wasted

on cough syrup and fell asleep.

I don't think that counts.

Well, here.

Yeah.

Here ya go.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, naue

is Todd Margaret.

I'm here from America, and

I am selling Thunder Muscle.

So, why don't you t-take

a free sample?

[ Speaking foreign language ]

I have heard of this.

Is this yours?

Uh, it's yours now.

Please, my-my gift to you.

Uh, how late are you guys

open 'til tonight?

'Cause I may have

to come back later,

'cause, uh, I may run out,

'cause there's only

three in here.

So, I may, uh, end up going

through all these tonight.

I mean, what are they

thinking?

For regular guys, you know,

you need at least six.

Um, listen, ma'am.

If you are, uh, uh,

interested, um, let me

give you my business card.

It's got all

my information on it.

And if you're interested

in the drinks or, you know,

just maybe you and I going out

for a drink, uh, sometime,

um, hear are my deets.

Uh, Todd.

Mehtap.

Mehtap, a beautiful name

for a beautiful hairdo on you

Alice!

Hello.

Hey.

Why are you dressed

like that?

I wanted to look

nice for you.

Dave suggested where to go.

Where is that, 1872?

I don't know the name

of the store.

Can I have my check?

Well, yeah, but don't you

want your free meal, first?

Meal?

Oh.

Oh, I-I thought we'd have

a quick drink and-and then

you'd give me my check

for the damages.

That's why I said, "meet me

"at the pub for dinner."

Oh.

Well, I'm not really

that hungry.

I made a reservation

and everything.

Oh.

So?

Oh, okay.

We can eat quick.

Good-- yeah.

It'll be good.

Hi.

Name is Margaret,

table for two.

Margaret?

That's a girl's name.

I booked a table for two,

6 o'clock.

You what?

I had my people call

and book a table for two.

What you on about?

You don't need to book--

Alice-Alice, I've got this.

I booked a table,

I.E. made a reservation

on the telephone for 6 o'clock.

Did you, now?

Yes.

How classy of you.

Let me just show you

to your table.

Thank you.

One of those.

Can I have a manager

to check out number five,

please?

I'm getting a message to notify

all local and national

emergency services.

Sir, where did you get this?

Just down there.

The good thing is

it was all stuff

I was gonna replace, anyway.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

I'd like to turn my cafe

into a molecular

gastronomy restaurant.

I love molecular gastronomy.

I'm just having a bit

of difficulty getting

my landlord to give me

a booze license.

That's all you need?

A liquor license?

I think part

of the problem is

it's a small business.

Done.

But if I was a big business

then, you know, it's-- Hmm?

Done.

I'll call America-- set it up.

Really?

How would you do that?

Alice, l right.

I'm sorry.

I don't mean to sound

condescending, but I work for

a huge international company.

I think procuring

a liquor license

for a little cafe in England

probably the least

of my difficulties.

Sorry.

[ Phone rings ]

Oh.

Oh, that's work.

I gotta get this.

Sure.

Sorry.

It's my director of strategy.

What's up, big dog?

Yeah.

Um, I sent those pictures

over to Wilts like you asked,

but it didn't go down

too well with Sainsbury's.

Why-- what happened?

They had some kind

of problem with me leaving

a toxic drink there.

Toxic?

Hey, that's slander.

You know, we, uh, uh, no.

Screw that guy.

You go back there

and tell him,

"hey, you wanna go deep

"sea diving with the big boys?

"You best be prepared to run

"into a giant squid

"every now and then."

What?

I'm the giant squid.

All right.

So, what should I do?

Well, tell 'em

to get a lawyer.

Tell 'em to hire ten lawyers.

I don't give a shit.

Tell 'em I'm gonna have 'em

sellin' bananas

at a banana place,

but in Poland probably.

What the hell

are you talking about?

I'll see him in court.

Oh, Alice, I am so sorry

that you had to hear that.

It's fine.

But that

is the downside business.

It's a brutal world.

And, you know, I got a theory.

You wanna run with

the bulls in Pamplona?

Who doesn't, right?

But you better be prepared

to literally get gored

up the ass by a figurative horn,

but from a literal bull, right?

Yeah.

Either way, it's gonna hurt

is my point.

I'm Todd Margaret.

I don't scare easily.

Hmm.

Um, hey, uh, uh, uh,

what do you-- let's get

out of here.

What do you say?

I'm not finished.

I mean, neither are you.

Aren't you trying

to watch your figure?

What?

Come on, woman.

You know, it's-it's,

uh, it's the nuts.

I'm allergic to nuts,

right over there, and I can't

even be around them.

You eat a nut,

I'll have a reaction.

I need you to shield me

from the nuts.

Okay.

Come on-- really bad.

Sorry.

That's-that's a bad allergy.

It's like mushroom soup

coming through my eyeballs.

You know, when we first

got the pub, I thought,

you know, this is hideous.

I'm just gonna have a quick

drink out of politeness

and then make some excuse

about feeding my bees

or something.

But, you know,

it just turned out

to be quite good fun.

Yeah.

I-I had a great time.

Good.

Do you wanna come up?

Um...

Use the toilet?

Oh.

To urinate in or worse?

That was a big ol'

Shepherd's pie you ate.

Yeah.

I could, uh, use the toilet

but, you know,

for the-for the former,

not-- I don't need to--

I'm fine.

Okay-- yeah.

Should be flushed already.

What's all this?

This isn't for me, is it?

You didn't think--

I thought-- oh, no.

Oh, for you?

Nah.

No.

This isn't for you.

What?

You thought this was for you?

Don't be silly.

God, no.

Whew!

No, no, no.

I didn't even think

you'd come back here.

You know, not that you

wouldn't, but I'm saying

this would imply that I had

thought about it,

which I didn't at all.

This is actually for,

you know, this is--

it's one of those things--

it's for the girl with cancer.

I thought you said

she was dead.

Tired.

Dead tired is what I said.

Oh.

Oh, well, that's sweet

that you got her

a little-a little Teddy.

Yeah-yeah-yeah.

And some flowers and a--

well, you don't have-- okay.

Why-why would you buy

a little girl with cancer

a box of condoms?

She's not that little.

Uh, I mean,

she's already sexually active,

a bit of a whore, really.

I mean, that's how

she got cancer.

And they're chocolate covered-

they're chocolate covered,

uh, con-- kids-- to teach kids

how to eat con--

well, I-I'm-I'm just

gonna-I'm just gonna quickly

use the loo and, uh, um,

perhaps someplace else.

Um, I've gotta go because,

um, I've gotta get up early

and feed my bees.

Oh, yeah.

You make your own honey.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I had a great time and,

uh, uh, I guess, uh, oh, boy.

Well, I guess it's official.

This is the awkward part

of the evening.

Not really.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay.

Uh, can I walk you to a cab?

No, I'm fine.

Or just maybe out-- yeah.

Oy!

Mr. la-tee-da, is that you?

Hey, Pam.

I've got an emergency.

Why, what?

I need 20 Benson

and a liter of white lightning.

I can't send the kids 'cause

they're still out at work.

That's medicine?

Yeah.

Oh, ooh.

Where-where do I go?

Just go to Sainsbury's

just around the corner.

He'll be open this late?

Yes.

You got money?

No-- oh!

What?

Bensons in the diamond pack

or--

20 Benson and a liter

of white lightning!

Go on-- go.

Ah!

Customer announcements.

Sainsbury's will be closing

in ten minutes.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Uh, this is Sainsbury's?

Yeah.

Is it a local grocery store?

I suppose.

Is this the only one?

No.

There's about 1,000 of 'em.

Do you think they have

a good legal department?

-- sync by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0