Original subtitles

So there i was,

Stark naked, freezing my tail off,

Spying on ben.

Was he plucking his magic twanger?

No. He had a needle,

And he was giving himself a shot in the ass.

The nutty professor, a juice pig?

I am so turned on. Here, feel.

Cut it out.

I've seen him do it twice.

I think he's doing steroids.

For the life of me, i'll never understand why so many gay men

Want to fuck their bodies up with drugs.

He's always at the gym,

He has these nasty moods...

"'roid rage."

Well, consider it a small price to pay

For an amazing body.

You're a big fucking help.

Hi, guys!

So how are the two love birds?

Uh, freezing our tits off. Yeah, well,

At least i won't have to pinch my nips to get them all taut.

Allow me.

Ow!

Can you believe the line to get into this fucking dump?

Yeah, it's on account of those guys who o.D.'D.

Great. So because some ignorant amateurs didn't know what they were doing,

The rest of us should get punished.

Yeah, you can thank your friend, the chief.

Let's go inside before my dick gets frostbite.

You have a guest pass?

Uh, only one guest.

Asshole.

Freezing my nipples off...

all right, honey, you can go.

See some i.D.?

Hmm. -Any drugs?

Work the pockets, honey. Work the pockets.

Whoo-Oo-Oo!

You want me to wash your back?

Hmm... any excuse to keep your hands on me.

You know, cleanliness is next to horniness.

Mmm. You know, when you're finished,

I know a really cool game we can play.

It's called "hide the soap bar."

Oh-H.

Hello?

Yeah?

Oh hey, how you doing?

No fucking way. That's fantastic!

What?

Prepared? Are you kidding?

I've been preparing my whole life!

Yeah. Okay.

Thanks, man.

That was glen.

Yosef treblek had a triple bypass.

Who's yosef treblek?

This, uh, this hungarian violinist.

Oh god, that's terrible.

No, no, no, it's the greatest news ever.

He was supposed to play the harrisburg symphony,

But obviously he can't now.

So glen suggested me,

The silver medalist for the heifetz competition,

As the last minute replacement,

And they said yes! They said yes!

My god, it's your first concert.

It's not philadelphia or boston, but...

It doesn't matter. It's a start.

Oh, god.

I wish you could be there with me.

I wish i could too.

But your agent would flip out if i was there.

Yeah. I know.

Hey, i was, uh...

i was going to give you this when the phone rang.

I bought two of them.

They weren't very expensive, but...

the guy at the store swore to me that they were one of a kind.

And...

i thought it would be a way for us to be together,

Even when we're apart.

Citizen, war hero,

Cop, chief of police.

Jim stockwell: you can sleep at night knowing he's the mayor.

Paid for by the committee to elect jim stockwell.

Well?

What do you think?

If i want to sleep at night, i could take a xanax.

Or i could watch your ad.

What...

my partner means...

what i mean is,

It's fucking boring.

That spot was made by one of the best agencies in the state.

96% of the test group we showed it to reacted favourably.

Who were they, insomniacs?

Our loyal supporters.

Well, you've already got their vote.

But what about the voters who are undecided,

Or the ones who wouldn't cast a ballot

For a law and order candidate?

You have to pull them into your camp if you want to win.

And there is no way in hell

You're going to do it with that.

I suppose you have a better plan?

Do you work out?

Four times a week. Religiously.

Any sports? Golf.

Swimming. Basketball.

Hobbies?

Build model airplanes.

No shit.

I did that when i was a kid.

You too? Sure, who didn't?

But what's the, um... what's the point?

The point is, i can relate to it. Everyone can.

But who the hell's going to relate to some stiff in a uniform?

Brian, take it easy... it's all right.

I don't mind the truth.

Even if you use it like an assault weapon.

So...

what do you suggest? Change your image.

Stop selling yourself as a hero

And start selling yourself as a man.

That's it? An ordinary man,

With the same cares and concerns as everyone else.

The only difference is, you're in a position

To actually do something about it. Look,

I know i came to you for some fresh ideas.

However, it's a radical change from the campaign we've been running.

Too radical.

Well, it's your call.

But with the way things are going,

I'd say you have nothing to lose...

except the election.

See now, this, um, shade of apricot for the walls

Is calling out for a plum carpet;

Which practically screams for the raspberry couch

With the peach cushions.

Yeah, i knew i should've gotten the fruit cobbler.

Isn't it a bit extreme?

For emmett, i'd say it's a bit subdued.

Excuse me?

You're moving into a different kind of neighbourhood.

It's not the gay ghetto. It's...

a bedroom community.

There's a difference?

Yes, it's more traditional,

More reserved.

So, maybe you want to change your style,

Lose the streisand posters.

"The main event" was going in the entry.

The slave boy lamps?

It's going on the bar, right?

You just want to think about fitting in,

Rather than standing out.

Think our house.

Your house?

Am i to believe i'm actually getting decorator tips

From lesbians?

Look, this is emmett's project, right?

He's got carte blanche to do whatever he wants with the house.

Streisand, plums,

Kumquats... if that's what he wants, then that's what it'll be.

Good luck.

By the way, you didn't hear it from me,

And i didn't hear it from my cop boyfriend;

But there's a certain police chief who wants to be mayor

Who's trying to get some attention for himself

By going after businesses that pander to... shall we say...

prurient interests?

I was gonna say web-Whackers.

Well, don't worry about me, deb.

I run a clean operation.

Teddy is immaculate.

He even rinses out his underwear

Before he puts them in the laundry.

Honey, if they want to,

They can always find something.

Well, thanks for the headsup, deb.

Well, don't thank me...

thank benedict arnold kinney.

He's the one working for the enemy.

Nice to see you too.

I'll have a split pea soup to go.

Justin, a split pea.

And feel free to piss in it.

You should really learn to separate your personal feelings from business, deb.

It's three bucks.

Where'd you get the ring?

Ethan

How romantic.

Fuck all you'd know about romance.

Keep it. That's a big tip.

Maybe you could buy him some flowers.

I'm sure he'd like that.

Are you having an internet affair, michael? Hmm?

You've been on that a long time.

I'm doing some research. Ah!

Work?

For you.

Me?

Steroids?

I saw you.

Saw me what?

Shooting up.

So unless you've suddenly become a heroin addict,

I figure that's what it is.

Michael, are you spying on me?

Spying on you?

We live together. How can i not notice?

Well, a lot of guys are using them, okay?

To fight body wasting.

You're not wasting.

Yet.

Did your doctor prescribe them?

No. Well, then where did you get them?

What is this, an interrogation?

I'm concerned, that's all.

It says there're a lot of side effects.

Mood swings, diarrhea, liver damage...

yeah, i'm aware of the potential side effects, michael.

I have done my research too.

Well then, we should've at least talked it over.

Look.

I'm just trying a cycle, okay?

To see if it makes any difference.

And so far the advantages

Are beating the disadvantages.

Huh?

Hmm? Yeah? Huh?

Uh... uh...

huh? Huh?

It's not too bad, huh?

It's fine.

How about that?

Nice.

Aw, don't tell me it works on that too.

Hmm.

Get on him, get on him, get on him.

Good shot. Okay, take it out.

You're guarding him. Move a little bit, right there.

I'm jim stockwell,

Police chief and coach of my son's basketball team.

There was a time when you could send your kids to the park.

Before sex and drugs were available on every street corner.

As a crime fighter and a parent,

I'd like to see those times again.

I know you would too.

Vote for me for mayor,

And let's make pittsburgh familyfriendly once more.

And cut.

Keep rolling, keep rolling.

Keep rolling.

How was that?

It was great.

Did you get that? Yep, i got it.

Thanks.

How was that?

If i didn't know better, i'd swear you were tom cruise.

Everyone have valid i.D.S?

Yes, sir!

Mm-Hm.

Any convicted felons?

No, sir!

Mm-Hm.

Any illegal drugs on the premises?

No, sir!

Excellent.

All right... back to work.

Yes, sir!

Oh, and, uh... keep it clean.

Yes, sir!

I-I mean... yeah, keep it dirty but...

yes, sir!

Fire alarms,

Sprinkler systems,

Handicapped ramp, toilets.

All up to code, mr. Schmidt.

Any rodents or pests on the premises?

Only the human kind, mr. Schmidt.

All rules and regulations the correct size and clearly posted?

Measured to the inch.

Just like your jerkers, mr. Schmidt.

Well then, eddie...

i'd say we have nothing to worry about.

Every detail has been checked and re-Checked.

Let 'em come and inspect.

We, at teddy's whack-Shack, are ready for them.

So how do you feel about your first concert appearance?

Scared, confident, excited?

Definitely all of the above.

Y-Y-You know, it's quite a remarkable achievement

For someone so young, and obviously so gifted...

to have such sudden success.

I understand that until recently,

You were performing on street corners?

Well, you gotta pay the rent.

What's up?

Hey, this is justin, my cousin, and his girlfriend, daphne.

They like to use the apartment sometimes when i'm not here.

Hey, guys, this is alexa scott,

She's, uh... interviewing me for the paper.

Right.

So...

why don't you guys come back another time?

Sure. I'll see you later.

Come on, daph.

Sorry about the interruption.

Ah...

just a couple more questions.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I'd prefer not to talk about that.

Oh... that usually means yes.

"Girlfriend"?

What the fuck was that?

His agent doesn't want anyone to know he's gay.

He thinks it could hurt his career.

Who gives a shit who a violinist is fucking?

Don't ask me.

I agreed to go along with it.

You know, brian... might not have been

Everything you wanted in a boyfriend,

But at least he never asked you to lie.

He didn't have his entire future career at stake.

So you're going to be his "cousin"?

Like anyone's dumb enough to believe that.

No one's going to know.

Justin, you almost died coming out.

How could you go back in for anyone?

I don't want to talk about it.

But it's fucking unfair of him

To make you pretend you're something that you're not.

I said i didn't want to talk about it.

So would you mind your own fucking business?

Can you believe those dykes

Telling us how we should decorate our house?

Don't they realize laura ashley went out with rotary phones?

Now, now. Show a little compassion.

I mean, they can't help it if... ah, they're designchallenged.

It would look stunning here.

What would?

A chair and ottoman upholstered in dyed blueberry ostrich-Skin.

What do you think?

Brings out your eyes. Mmm.

But it's... it's too expensive.

Who cares about cost?

This isn't an investment, it's a home.

It's our home. Hmm...

this must be a fairy tale 'cause i married a prince.

Oo-Whoops! Sorry, guys.

I'm just here to report,

The house inspector's doing just fine.

No major problems so far.

Knock wood.

Well...

hi, i'm sunny! Sunny reed.

Actually, it's susanna.

But ever since i was a baby, they called me sunny,

I guess just because i always have the sunniest smile on my face.

Oh... i... i'm jennifer.

Ever since i was a baby, they've called me jennifer.

Well, welcome to the neighbourhood.

I just know you're going to love it here.

Oh, thanks. I'm just the realtor,

I'm not the new owner.

That'd be me. Ted schmidt.

Hi, ted!

Sunny! Sunny reed.

My husband and i just live next door.

Welcome to the neighbourhood.

I brought you a caramel cake.

I'm famous for my caramel cake.

But don't worry, ted.

I'll share the recipe with mrs. Schmidt.

Where is mrs. Schmidt?

That'd be me.

Then you're...

that'd be us.

Well, isn't that interesting?

Well, i just know you're going to love it here. Everybody does.

We just have the best schools and churches,

And everybody babysits and looks out for each other's kids.

Well, that sounds like a very friendly group of people,

Doesn't it, guys?

Very.

Friendly. -In fact,

It's a tradition that we host a cocktail party

For our new arrivals.

Nothing formal, just a little...

"hi, welcome to the neighbourhood" kind of thing.

So, how's friday at around 6:00, just right next door?

Well, thank you... sunny.

Such a lovely house.

The harrises, they just had the most exquisite taste.

Early american furniture and oriental rugs...

well, i should go.

Oh, your cake! Oh.

Oh... see you friday.

See you friday. Bye-Bye, sunny.

Bye. Toodles.

There you go, mrs. Schmidt.

Jen said that ted and emmett's new house

Has tonnes of curb appeal.

Like you.

Although why those two would want to live

Around a bunch of breeders is beyond me.

A lot of us are moving on up these days.

I'll take liberty avenue.

Oh... oh, shit!

What?

My good ring just fell behind the fridge.

Your good ring?

Yeah, the one i got on the tv show.

From the joan rivers collection?

And don't say a fucking thing against her.

I like that she's got a big, dirty mouth

That gets her in trouble.

I wonder why.

Someone give me a hand.

What... ma. W-Wait...

someone give me a hand here.

Debbie, debbie. Debbie, debbie, debbie.

Oh. Let me do that, all right?

You're gonna hurt yourself.

All right.

Can you see it?

U-U-Ummm...

this? Yes!

Oh, my hero.

Oh. Now that's what i call a real man.

We could've done the same.

Yeah, with a forklift.

Oh yeah.

Thank you. Okay.

Okay. Well, i better go wash my hands.

Has ben actually gotten bigger since the last time i saw him?

Yeah, well he's been working out a lot lately.

And it shows.

Hmm. What's his secret?

You know, protein shakes, low carb diet, stuff like that.

Does "stuff like that" include steroids?

Is that what he's doing?

He says it prevents wasting.

Wasting? He's built like a brick shithouse.

The stuff is poison.

For one thing, it makes you meaner than cat piss.

And for another... for another,

It's none of your concern.

If that's what ben needs to do to stay alive and healthy,

Then... that's all that matters.

Can't argue that...

if that's the only reason.

I'm jim stockwell,

Police chief and coach of my son's basketball team.

There was a time when you could send your kids to the park,

Before sex and drugs were available on every corner.

As a crime fighter and a parent,

I'd like to see those times again.

I know you would too.

Vote for me for mayor,

And let's make pittsburgh familyfriendly once more.

You gotta be kidding.

It's a music video,

Not a campaign advertisement.

There's no way we're going to run that.

It's practically obscene,

Revealing his body like some sort of...

sex object.

What do you think sells corn flakes?

There is a strategy behind all this...

when we'll air the spot,

On which programmes...

those with a strong female demographic,

Ages 18-34.

All right, do it.

Jim, you can't...

but if you turn me into a joke...

i'll fucking have your balls.

If he turns you into a joke,

I'll fucking give them to you.

Em?

Hi, hon, i'll be right out.

The new "traviata" just came out.

Can't wait to hear it.

Oh yeah?

What's so funny?

What, are you... you planning on going straight again,

Or is this some kind of bizarro, crossdressing practice

You engage in when i'm not around?

I was just putting together an outfit for the neighbours' party.

Well, you'll fit right in.

Oh, oh, and check this out.

It's my new colour scheme for the living room.

Mocha walls,

Chocolate mohair couch, and, um...

charcoal tweed club chairs.

Oh, it's... very smart, very sophisticated, but not very you.

I mean, what... what happened to the... the plum carpet,

The raspberry sofa, the...

casaba melon pillows?

Peach. Oh.

Well, i... i hate to admit it,

But you know, maybe mel and linz were right.

It was too... fruity.

Uh-Huh. So,

Instead we get assimilationist-Beige,

Blend-Right-In-Brown and make-No-Waves-Grey.

I just figured that since we're leaving liberty avenue,

Maybe it was time we left certain other things behind too.

Like our colour scheme, our self-Respect? I mean, what...

whatever happened "to fuck 'em all" honeycutt?

Back in hazelhurst,

I used to look up at those houses on the hill,

You know, where the right people lived?

And dream that one day, i would live there too.

And now that my dream is finally coming true, i...

I just... i don't want people thinking th...

that we're the fags next door?

Well, that's what we're going to be no matter what you do.

And if they don't say it to our face,

They'll say it behind our backs.

Wait there.

This is what the well-Dressed queer will be wearing

On friday night.

I love that shirt. Isn't it so cute?

Perfect. All right, man.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

I didn't see you.

Guess not.

You don't usually, uh,

Work out this time of day, do you?

Not usually.

Look, it's not what you think.

I think it's exactly what i think.

Michael told me he was going to talk to you.

Huh.

Yeah, well he did.

And he understands.

Well, that's michael.

Always understanding.

Why don't you just mind your own business?

If it was just you, i would.

As my dear old dad used to say,

You're three times seven.

But it's not just you.

You're taking him down with you.

I do not need to be lectured by the biggest whore in pittsburgh.

You are fucking lucky you're not positive.

You all right?

Sure.

Really?

It was the interview.

No. I don't give a shit about that.

Huh, daphne was pretty pissed off, though.

Passing me off as your cousin.

Well, come on. I had to think of something.

Mmm? Mmm.

Is this how it's going to be from now on?

Lying, playing games...

now you're going away.

To harrisburg for one night.

It's not like i'm going on a world tour.

That's next. I wish.

Look.

Who knows what's going to happen? Hmm.

I could bomb, and that'll be the end of it.

But if this works...

we could have this amazing life.

I was thinking, we could buy a farmhouse,

With a studio, and a practice room.

Huh... you dream big.

Why not? Doesn't cost anything.

God, you're such a romantic.

I hate that you're not going to be there with me.

Not as much as me.

How am i going to perform without my muse?

You'll do fine.

Besides, you always said i was distracting.

Don't you know i was playing just for you?

You're not ready.

Well, come on. Get dressed.

You don't want to miss all that hot male action.

What's the matter with you?

This.

How'd you get that?

What? Did one of your sex partners get carried away?

No, one of yours.

Your boyfriend practically stuffed me into a locker.

What? How come?

Well, it seems i said something about his steroid use

He took objection to.

Why'd you say anything at all?

Um...

because it's undignified for a university professor

And not-So-Bestselling author

To be seen making drug deals in a locker room.

You saw him? Yeah.

And now i'll be forced to sit at home,

Not wearing my most fabulous new sleeveless shirt to babylon.

I'm really sorry.

Yeah, like that makes up for the fact

That i'll be scarred for life.

Well, you can... tell people you got it duelling.

I thought you were going to talk to him. I did.

He said it's something he needs to do.

Ben needs more muscles like i need another cock.

He said he's aware of the side effects.

Like practically murdering

His lover's best friend?

Well, if you're cool sleeping with your eyes open

And a hatchet under your pillow, that's your business.

Just keep him the fuck away from me.

Okay, i got my rented tux,

My train ticket...

"mischa".

Okay, i guess that's everything.

Except you.

It's okay. You'll be back tomorrow.

I love stiff-Upper-Lip goodbyes.

So mrs. Miniver.

Who's she?

It's from an old movie. Don't you know anything?

I'm an idiot.

Ah, shut up. Careful.

There might be paparazzi lurking on the rooftop.

Fuck 'em.

Look!

I'll be thinking about you,

Every step of the way, wishing you were there.

Me too.

You will be. Oh god.

What a cornball.

It's why you love me.

This is amazing. Just amazing.

You've gone up eight points in the polls.

There was even an editorial in the paper this morning.

Good or bad? It was mixed.

It doesn't matter as long as they're talking about you.

And all since your commercials aired.

Yeah, all of those years of sit-Ups finally paid off.

Well, we've been getting calls about it all morning.

I just want you to know, i had every faith in you.

No, you didn't.

But you took a chance anyway.

So, uh...

what's our resident genius have in mind now?

I'm jim stockwell,

Police chief, and coach of my son's basketball team.

There was a time...

keep your face in the news.

I'll keep your face on the screen.

...available on every corner.

As a crime fighter and a parent...

huh, come on.

We're the guests of honour. It's rude to be late.

My intuition tells me things are not going to go well tonight.

Well, your intuition also told you madonna

Was going to win the oscar for "evita", so...

she so deserved it.

Look,

No matter what happens in there tonight, just remember,

This is what pride is all about.

Why our forefathers and fore...

drag queens stood their ground at stonewall...

so that we could buy a house in a neighbourhood like this.

Oh, there you two are!

Come on in!

Oh-H-H!

Oh my goodness, look at that!

I can't wear pastels, they make me look so dumpy.

But you gays can wear anything.

Such beautiful bodies.

You put our husbands to shame!

Speaking of the devil, my husband, dennis.

Den, our new neighbours, fred and emile.

Uh, it's ted.

Emmett.

Glad you could make it.

We know you boys probably have a lot more...

exciting things to do on a friday night.

Well, actually... they don't need to know

About killer krotch nite at babylon.

How about a drink?

I would give my left tit...

I mean, my left arm, for a, uh... for a cosmo.

Everybody! Well...

these are the boys who bought the harris house.

Hi!

I'm dede and this is phil.

We live across the street.

Hi. Well, sunny has told us

All about you.

You know, our favourite tv show

Is that gay drama, uh...

what's it called?

"Gay as", uh....

Uh... something.

"Gay as blazes"? That's it!

Oh, we love the characters.

You know, gay people

Have the same problems that we do.

I-Isn't it amazing? Yeah.

We're the mayerhoffs.

Hi.

You must come to the school musical.

We're doing "mame", and our 12-Year-Old olivia is mame.

Oh? Not until they come to my house for dinner.

I have a cousin who's a lesbian.

Big deal. My brother is a tranny.

What the hell's that?

Some people are so ignorant, aren't they?

A transsexual. Right, guys?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's... right. Uh, it's... it's totally

What we call them. T- T... tranny. Tra...

drinks?

Cheers! Cheers!

Welcome to our new neighbours.

Happy home-Owning!

So what did you think?

Just terrific. Thank you.

Thrilling performance.

And you were so passionate.

I tend to get involved with what i'm playing.

And to step in like that, at the last minute.

Most impressive.

It was a privilege to perform, sir. Thank you.

You play your admirers almost as well as your violin.

I didn't work street corners for nothing.

Well done, mr. Gold.

Next time, we get a tux that fits.

You mean there's actually going to be a next time?

I spoke with the buffalo symphony.

They want to include you in their "emerging artists series."

No shit! Mr. Gold?

Wonderful. Thank you. Thank you very much!

I'll call you when i get back to new york with the details, okay?

Cocktail frank?

Uh, it's ted.

Thank you, sunny.

What line are you in, emmett?

I, uh, i work at a small gentleman's haberdashery,

On liberty avenue.

Oh, the gay street!

Yeah, that's right.

Cocktail frank? No, thank you.

But what i really want to do

Is be a party planner.

Maybe you could help plan my holiday party.

And mine!

Oh, and mine!

No, that would be great!

Ah.

And your intuition told you tonight would be a disaster.

Can i help you, officers?

Is someone double-Parked?

Uh, we were told we might find a...

theodore schmidt here, ma'am.

His office gave us this address.

Our new neighbour.

He's right in here.

Little sleepers, baby powder...

theodore schmidt?

Oh...

Yeah, that's, uh... right.

Can i... can i help you, officers?

You're under arrest, mr. Schmidt.

A-Arrest?

For what?

Contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Th... that's very flattering, officer. I...

know i look way younger than my years, but...

an inspection of your pornographic website establishment

Found an underage employee on your premises.

Huh! No, that... that's absurd.

I checked and doublechecked everyone.

There are no underage employees.

What about edward stewart malone?

Eddie? He... he's my assistant.

He won't be 18 for another 3 months.

Good lord. Oh-H!

Eddie's 21!

Not according to his birth certificate.

B-But, he... he's so tall.

Want to come along?

Officer norton here will read you the miranda.

Em...

uh, uh...

uh, th-Thank you, sunny,

Thank you, dennis, um...

Well, everyone, as... as soon as we get moved in,

We're going... have a... a... a big ol' barbecue.

And you're...

You're all invited. So...

Oh... goodness. Oh, you just never know about people.

Can i do anything? Agh.

Mmmm.

Must be something i ate. Or the steroids.

We already had that conversation.

It's fucking you up.

It is not fucking me up.

Yeah, it is. And you don't even know it.

Christ, you even hit brian.

I did not hit him!

Well, shoved him, made him bleed,

Whatever. But you can't just go around shoving people

And acting all crazy. Oh, now i'm crazy?

Uh, fuck you!

You're not crazy. You just...

sometimes you act that way.

You don't understand anything.

Understand what?

What it's like to wake up every morning

And remember, "oh yeah, i've got this thing."

Because you don't have this thing.

You never have to take a mouthful of meds,

Never knowing when they'll stop working,

Never knowing when a fucking cough or a fucking sniffle

May land you in the hospital, because to you,

Michael, it is just a fucking cough or a fucking sniffle!

And every time i go to kiss you

Or suck you or fuck you,

Even when we're protected, even then there's still this shitty,

Nagging doubt that maybe, just maybe, you could get infected.

Sometimes i just think... what?

Sometimes you just think what?

That it might just be easier

To be with someone who's positive.

Buy you another one?

No thanks.

Where's your fiance?

He's playing somewhere.

Well, luckily...

you have this.

See ya.

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