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1
00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:04,837
Next case.
2
00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:07,840
Mr. Dennis Reynolds. That's me.
Yeah. Right here.
3
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How are ya?
4
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:14,305
From October 28, 2008,
to November 1, 2008,
5
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you were issued a series
of parking citations totaling $1,300.
6
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- Who are these people? - Oh, uh, these
people are here to corroborate my story.
7
00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:26,693
- It's a parking violation.
- Oh, well.
8
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I think you'll find it goes
much, much deeper than that.
9
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Yes, Lady Madam of the court,
I do believe that this court will realize...
10
00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:36,035
that we were all victims of a terrible ordeal
that caused each and every one of us...
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00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,830
great physical
and emotional trauma.
12
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,373
And what is this ordeal?
13
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The Philadelphia Phillies winning
the World Series, Your Honor.
14
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Okay, Mr. Reynolds. On what grounds
are you contesting these tickets?
15
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Well- What grounds?
Where do we even begin?
16
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Oh, yeah.
On many grounds, Your Honor.
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Many, many grounds.
Yes.
18
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And let the record show that we are
waiving our right to an attorney.
19
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Just explain to me why you feel you should
not have been issued these tickets.
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00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,805
Okay. Um, yeah.
Well, I think in order to do that,
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we should probably start
at the top of the story.
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I know what the story is.
Oh, all right.
23
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It was game five
of the World Series,
24
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and we actually had tickets.
25
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Needless to say,
I mean, we were pumped.
26
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World Series, baby!
27
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Oh, yeah!
28
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Hey-oh!
What's up, fellas?
29
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What's going on, man? Not wearing any colors?
Not supporting the team, dude?
30
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:05,124
Wearing colors? Why the hell
would I be wearing colors to...
31
00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:08,002
Oh, my God! Today's the World Series!
I totally forgot.
32
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:10,546
Oh, wait a second. What's this?
33
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You didn't forget! Boom!
I didn't forget a "thang"!
34
00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:16,803
This is one of the few times where it is
acceptable to be shirtless in a public forum.
35
00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:19,305
So I'm blasting bare chest the whole time.
What do you think?
36
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:21,682
- Smart.
- I think you're gonna be cold as shit.
37
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:24,769
I'm not gonna be cold at all 'cause
I'm gonna be wasted on grain alcohol.
38
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Grain alcohol. Whenever there's a potential
riot, I'm getting blasted on grain alcohol.
39
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,816
Riot juice!
It's like rum punch!
40
00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:31,442
Put some of that
on my bug bites.
41
00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:34,403
We're not gonna be wasting our fine grain
alcohol on your goddamn bug bites, idiots!
42
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,989
Yeah. We need it for pregaming.
I am not watching this game sober.
43
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:39,367
- No. What? Do you want to remember it?
- Charlie, come here.
44
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Back to back.
Back to back? Okay.
45
00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,746
What's going on with you guys, huh?
Oh, we got bed bugs, dude.
46
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:46,374
Oh, man. The place is infested with them.
Some guy brought them back from Haiti.
47
00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:49,001
World Series, bitches!
What is up?
48
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:53,381
Oh! # Whoomp, there it is
Whoomp, there it is #.
49
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,926
Plan's still on, right?
Oh, shit yeah, baby girl. Plan is on.
50
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,845
Hey! Time out.
There's a plan?
51
00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:02,181
- There's always a plan, buddy.
- Why didn't you tell me about this? What's the plan?
52
00:03:02,266 --> 00:03:05,393
Okay, in the bottom of the ninth when the
Phillies are up by, like, 50 or 60 runs,
53
00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:07,854
Dennis and I are gonna start
beating the shit out of each other.
54
00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:09,981
Which will attract the
attention of Security. Yeah.
55
00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:12,525
And that's when I run on the
field and kiss a player. Oh!
56
00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:15,987
# Whoomp, there it is
Whoomp, there it is #.
57
00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:18,322
And I will toss on Green Man
and run around the field...
58
00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:20,741
- No.
- And go crazy as Green Man.
59
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,785
No, no, no, no, no.
Whoomp, there it goes.
60
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,912
Don't toss on Green Man
because in this particular case,
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the Philly Phrenetic
really reigns supreme, okay?
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We're talking about the Phillies here.
Leave that for other shit.
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00:03:30,002 --> 00:03:32,628
- Are you kidding me?
- Dude, people love that guy. - We love him.
64
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:34,589
I don't love him!
I'm sick of him!
65
00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:37,925
He's got a stranglehold on the
Philly mascot scene. It's not fair!
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00:03:38,010 --> 00:03:41,971
I got a pretty good thing going with Green Man.
I don't see why there can only be one mascot.
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No. I feel like there's
only room for one green idiot...
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running around
making an asshole of himself.
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00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:48,603
Whoa. I can't find the tickets.
70
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:51,439
- What are you talking about?
- I don't have the tickets in my pocket!
71
00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:54,191
- What, dude?
- Nowhere. I know exactly where I left them.
72
00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:56,360
I left them on the coffee table
in the apartment.
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00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:59,405
We don't have time to go back.
We're not gonna get a good spot for the tailgating!
74
00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:01,949
- We gotta go back and get 'em.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
75
00:04:02,034 --> 00:04:04,994
Dennis, Charlie, why don't you go to
the parking lot, get us a good spot.
76
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,954
- We'll go get the tickets.
- All right. Let's move, man.
77
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,665
I can't believe I forgot the tickets.
Jesus Christ, Frank.
78
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,251
I don't know. All I'm doing is,
like, just making the sandwiches.
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00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:14,045
By the way-
Shut up!
80
00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:18,674
Okay, I think it's important to figure
out which player I want to kiss...
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00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,635
when I thrust myself out
on that field.
82
00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:22,136
I'm going Shane Victorino right now.
83
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,638
Flyin' Hawaiian.
Flyin' Hawaiian.
84
00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:25,306
Strong choice.
But center field- way too far.
85
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:28,059
You'll get jacked out before you
get anywhere close. Oh. Oh!
86
00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:30,728
Balls! Oh, no!
87
00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:32,730
They're fumigating
the building for bed bugs.
88
00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:35,775
How did you not know that they were
bug bombing your apartment, bro?
89
00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:38,694
I can't read every flyer that
gets slipped under the door!
90
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:41,238
Jesus Christ.
Well, now what are we gonna do?
91
00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:43,783
- Well, I don't know. We gotta go-
- Go get the tickets! Hurry up!
92
00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:46,619
I'm not going in there!
That's full of toxic smoke.
93
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We'll go buy gas masks.
We don't have time for gas masks!
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00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:52,833
Frank, come on. It's not that poisonous.
Just go really fast.
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- Shit. All right.
- Jesus Christ.
96
00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:01,384
Oh, God!
97
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,469
- My eyes are burning!
- Now what?
98
00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:05,262
All right. Fine!
99
00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:08,307
I'll have to scale the building, cut a hole
in the tent, smash through the window.
100
00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:10,309
That'll cut down
on occupancy time.
101
00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:13,312
You are not capable
of doing that.
102
00:05:13,397 --> 00:05:16,148
I absolutely have the upper body
strength to accomplish that.
103
00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:18,651
Are you kidding me?
Goddamn it, Dee! Goddamn it!
104
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:21,320
Will you shut up? I'm calling the
boys to tell 'em we're gonna be late.
105
00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:24,115
They're doing that right now?
106
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,242
All right. Keep me posted.
Shit. What's up, man?
107
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,828
Bro, they are bug bombing your building right now.
They got the whole thing tented.
108
00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:31,163
Oh, my God! Those guys can't get
in there to get the tickets.
109
00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:34,000
There's no way they're gonna.
That's poisonous gas, dude. You can't breathe that.
110
00:05:34,126 --> 00:05:37,294
Screw 'em, right? What are you suggesting?
Maybe we sneak into the game?
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00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:40,047
I want to get into that game.
I don't even want to tailgate anymore, bro.
112
00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:42,383
Oh, you're right! We gotta sneak in.
All right. We're gonna sneak.
113
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:44,927
How are we gonna sneak in though, bro?
Security's gonna be crazy.
114
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,221
There's a couple ways
you can do it.
115
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:50,516
One, we can take the secret tunnel that
goes from the Ollidy lnn into the stadium.
116
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,226
Stop. Stop, stop, stop.
117
00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:54,729
There's no secret tunnel going from
the stadium to the Ollidy Inn.
118
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:57,273
What the hell are you talking about?
This is common knowledge, bro.
119
00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,276
There is. They built a secret tunnel
so that the visiting players...
120
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,821
can get safely back to the hotel without
the Phillies fans hammering them.
121
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:06,532
We're passionate fans. Passionate fans.
We gotta hammer something.
122
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:09,243
So they got a tunnel for that? Wow.
Don't you think there's gonna be security there too?
123
00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:11,954
There might. All right.
You know what? I got it.
124
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,623
We're gonna do a Charlie One-Two, all right?
You're gonna do this, okay?
125
00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:17,752
Okay. One, you jump in front of
a car coming into the stadium.
126
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:20,921
Two, you say, "I'm gonna sue you
if you don't give me tickets."
127
00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:24,300
No! No!
That is a terrible plan.
128
00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:26,969
How is that terrible?
Because it involves me getting hit by a car.
129
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:30,514
You'll be fine, bro. You're drinking riot punch, man.
You'll bounce off that thing.
130
00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:33,267
It's called the Charlie One-Two.
You do it.
131
00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,269
Well, no.
I've done too many, man.
132
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:38,856
The next one could be my last.
I don't want to get hit by a moving car.
133
00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:41,233
You'll be fine!
This is the World Series, man.
134
00:06:41,318 --> 00:06:44,153
I don't want to do any more,
dude. I could die.
135
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,614
You do it.
136
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,700
All right, goddamn it. I'm gonna do it.
Let's do it! Last time. One last time.
137
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,707
Too shitty, right?
Crappy car. Yeah.
138
00:06:56,833 --> 00:07:00,086
No, you don't want to jump out in front of a shitty car.
We need rich people tickets.
139
00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,630
Rich seats. Oh. Ooh. This guy right here.
This is a good one.
140
00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:06,675
This is gonna be a good one, dude.
He's gonna have such good seats. Go, go, go! Go!
141
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,220
What are you doing, man?
Bro, that guy was gonna have great seats.
142
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,764
Yeah. I felt like I didn't have a good angle.
What do you mean?
143
00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:14,266
I might go this way.
You just jump right out in front of him.
144
00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:16,685
This guy'll have good seats.
Don't get cold feet on me.
145
00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:19,814
Jump out in front of this guy.
I'm fine. This guy's good.
146
00:07:22,484 --> 00:07:25,986
Your Honor, so my friend here pushed me
in front of a moving car. No big deal.
147
00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:28,781
Ladies and gentlemen of the court,
these were dire times,
148
00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:32,159
and dire actions were needed
to get those tickets!
149
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:36,163
But we didn't get the tickets, Charlie, because
the guy saw you push me in front of his car.
150
00:07:36,248 --> 00:07:37,998
Yeah, that's true.
We didn't get the tickets.
151
00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:40,334
So you guys tried to scam
your way into the game...
152
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,336
by throwing each other
in front of cars...
153
00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:44,839
with the hopes of extorting tickets
from the drivers.
154
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:48,759
Let the record show that the three of us do
not condone the actions of the two of them.
155
00:07:48,844 --> 00:07:51,971
The record will show everything.
You can stop saying that.
156
00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:54,056
Are you sure?
'Cause she's not typing very quickly.
157
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,808
It's shorthand. She's getting the gist.
158
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:59,562
I don't appreciate being paraphrased.
I choose my words very deliberately.
159
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,106
- Get back to your case.
- Okay.
160
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:05,109
So anyway, the three of us are back at
their apartment trying to get the tickets,
161
00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,111
and Mac is scaling the building.
162
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:10,114
Well, it's just I couldn't
get a good grip, you know?
163
00:08:10,198 --> 00:08:12,783
- Is it the grip? Is the grip the problem?
- Hey, you guys.
164
00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:15,202
Look, I found
this garden hose. All right?
165
00:08:15,287 --> 00:08:17,538
I'm gonna use it to pump
fresh air into the building...
166
00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:19,498
and breathe into it
like a scuba diver.
167
00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:22,209
That actually seems like it could work.
Yeah. Let's give it a shot.
168
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,712
I'll try it out. Okay.
I'll go- Yeah.
169
00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:27,548
Go, go, go.
170
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:29,967
Okay. How is it?
171
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:32,636
What?
172
00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:35,514
I'll get-
Yeah! You're in?
173
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,517
World Series, here we come!
All right!
174
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,936
Pregame! Pregaming!
Let's pregame.
175
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:44,440
All right, Dee. Let's get back to this
player selection conversation, okay?
176
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,066
'Cause I got some-
got some thoughts.
177
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:48,569
Yeah, I've been thinking about it.
Ryan Howard, right?
178
00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:50,613
Mmm.
179
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:53,574
What? Look, if it's me, I'm going
Chase Utley 100% of the time.
180
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:57,119
He's a power-hitting second baseman.
Do you know how rare that is in the National League?
181
00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:59,622
And he's hot, which is number one on my list.
Of course he is.
182
00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:03,250
But I really like Ryan Howard.
You're kissin' Chase Utley, and that's it.
183
00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:06,003
Why are you pushing Chase Utley on me?
It's starting to get weird.
184
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:08,422
Okay, look.
I have a plan, all right?
185
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:11,926
And it involves you getting this letter to
him when you get out there to kiss him.
186
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:14,845
I have given this to Major
League Baseball, his lawyer,
187
00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:16,555
his manager, his mom,
188
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,391
and he has not gotten back to me,
which means he hasn't gotten it yet.
189
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,852
So just-
Okay. What is in this letter?
190
00:09:21,937 --> 00:09:24,438
That's none of your business, all right?
Just get it to Chase.
191
00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:27,900
Did you write a love letter
to Chase Utley? Is that...
192
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,612
In a lot of ways,
yes, I do love him,
193
00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:34,657
but that is not a love letter in the
way that you're thinking of it, okay?
194
00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:37,618
There's nothing sexual or- Okay.
That sounds good. I'm gonna read it.
195
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:40,079
Pal around and-
Yeah, read it!
196
00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:42,039
"Dear Chase"- Oh, shit!
There's stickers! Yeah.
197
00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:44,166
My God. Oh, this is good.
You gotta jazz it up.
198
00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:47,336
Yeah, you sure do. You sure do.
I want to make it pop.
199
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:52,258
"Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase
because you and me are so much alike."
200
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:55,094
Really? "I would love
to meet you someday.
201
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:57,304
"It would be great
to have a catch.
202
00:09:57,389 --> 00:10:02,059
"I know I can't throw as fast as you, but I
think you would be impressed with my speed.
203
00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:06,647
"I love your hair.
You run fast.
204
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:09,650
"Did you have a good
relationship with your father?
205
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,443
"Me neither.
206
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:14,154
"These are all things we can talk
about, and more.
207
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:18,409
I know you have not been getting my letters
because I know you would write back if you did."
208
00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:21,996
"And I hope you write back this time
and we get to be good friends.
209
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:27,167
I am sure our relationship would be a real home run.
210
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:32,172
Well, if you-
if you read it out of context...
211
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:34,258
There's no right context.
212
00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:36,427
- Strike that from the record, please!
- No, leave that on the record.
213
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:38,804
- That one stays on the record.
- Can we get back to your case?
214
00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:41,432
Let's move on, huh? Shall we move on?
We're gonna move on.
215
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:42,975
Sorry about that, Your Honor.
Whoo!
216
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:45,519
My God!
217
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,688
Wow! Wow.
218
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,940
Okay. Okay.
219
00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:52,985
Hey, what were you hoping
to accomplish with this?
220
00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:55,487
I'm hoping that he reads
the letter- Uh-huh.
221
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:58,407
And realizes that he's always
wanted a younger brother.
222
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,200
Younger brother?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
223
00:11:00,285 --> 00:11:02,369
That guy's, like, five years younger than you.
You know that, right?
224
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:05,539
Is he really? Are you kidding me?
He seems- Yeah- Oh, shit!
225
00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:07,541
- The hose is gone. Oh, God.
- Oh, shit.
226
00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:10,085
He's in there
breathing the poison.
227
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:12,212
We gotta get those tickets.
I gotta get to Chase! Goddamn it.
228
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:13,630
Okay, hold on.
229
00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:15,841
Oh, the poison is so thick!
230
00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:18,302
Oh! Oh!
This hallway is really bad!
231
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:20,012
There he is!
232
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,097
Run! Get him! Frank!
Frank!
233
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:24,558
Frank! Hey, where are the tickets?
234
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,436
Where are the tickets?
Leave me here to die!
235
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,564
- No, come on! Where are the goddamn tickets?
- I don't know where...
236
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,358
I can't find 'em.
I'll find them!
237
00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:34,943
I left 'em on the coffee table!
Get 'em!
238
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,488
The bug bomb bastards took 'em!
239
00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:46,330
Oh, God!
240
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:13,524
Hey. Yo!
How are you feeling, buddy?
241
00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:16,902
I'm in a great deal of pain, Charlie.
I was just blasted by a car.
242
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:19,238
Yeah, I know.
You got creamed, but check it out.
243
00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:23,450
I got you a soft pretzel dog!
Screw your goddamn soft pretzel, you son of a bitch!
244
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:26,829
I might be bleeding internally!
Dude!
245
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:29,706
That's the Philly Phrenetic up there, man!
Maybe I'll go talk some shop with him!
246
00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:32,209
A little Green Man!
He can get us in the game, dude!
247
00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:34,837
Ow!
The Phrenetic!
248
00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:39,716
Yo! Hey! Hey!
249
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:43,637
Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Philly Phrenetic!
Philly Phrenetic!
250
00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:46,140
Huge fan, man!
Seriously. Big time.
251
00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:49,476
Are you serious? Do you mean that?
Ha-ha! Bring it in, man.
252
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:52,187
Bring it in. Ah, yeah!
All right. Now, seriously.
253
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,648
Man to man, mascot to mascot,
254
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,651
I was wondering maybe if you could
help get me in the game, you know,
255
00:12:57,735 --> 00:12:59,403
maybe hook me up
with a Green Man routine.
256
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:02,489
We do it at the stadium
together. So...
257
00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:04,825
All right, now-
I'm trying to talk to you, dude.
258
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:08,036
I'm trying to have a conversation
with you, you're belly bumping me.
259
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:11,832
All right. I'll give you...
260
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:14,418
All right, don't big league me now here, man.
Don't big league...
261
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:17,504
Look, I'm trying to have a conversation
with the man behind the mask!
262
00:13:17,589 --> 00:13:20,549
I feel like you're big leaguing me, dude!
Are you taking me seriously?
263
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:27,014
# Now it's
time for a brother to get on the mike #
264
00:13:27,098 --> 00:13:28,807
# And this mother party hype #
Yeah!
265
00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:30,976
That guy's beating
on the Phrenetic.
266
00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:33,604
Dude, is that a hate crime?
Nah, it's not a hate crime.
267
00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:36,273
You want to hammer his ass anyway?
Definitely.
268
00:13:36,357 --> 00:13:38,233
# Let me hear you say
whoomp, there it is #
269
00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:40,319
# Whoomp, there is it #
Guys! What are you doing?
270
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:43,197
# Whoomp, there
it is Whoomp, there it is #
271
00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:44,698
# Louder Whoomp, there it is ##.
272
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,034
Yo, Dennis! Yo, bud!
Where you going, dude? Ow!
273
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,161
Goddamn it!
What happened to you?
274
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,580
Charlie pushed me in front of a goddamn car.
That's what happened.
275
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,500
- You look terrible.
- Why are your eyes all filled with blood?
276
00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:57,836
- On account of the poison. - Dude, where were you going?
We gotta get in the stadium.
277
00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:00,255
Look, it's starting to get packed.
Just forget about it, okay?
278
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:03,175
It's impossible to get into that stadium.
Trust me. Take my word for it.
279
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:06,136
No, that's not good enough!
We've gotta get in so Dee can kiss Chase Utley and...
280
00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:08,597
Well, how the hell are you planning
on getting in there, Mac?
281
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:11,892
Uh- You put me on the spot! First thing
that comes to my head, scaling the facade.
282
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:15,771
I know I soured on that earlier, but I believe
that is my mind telling me I have it in me!
283
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:18,398
I hate to tell you this, bro, but you
do not have the core strength...
284
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,734
to scale the facade of
Citizens Bank- you just don't.
285
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:23,904
What? I work out all the time!
You only work out your glamour muscles, and you know it.
286
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,740
I work out my core!
No, you do not work out your core.
287
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:29,201
You're totally arm heavy.
You're all bi's and tri's.
288
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,537
And everything else
is just fat and ribs.
289
00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:35,415
Bro, I can do way more push-ups than you,
and that's like 16 different muscle groups.
290
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,918
That is beyond retarded,
what you're saying right now.
291
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:42,005
I can do way more push-ups than you
even though I was just hit by a car.
292
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:49,638
One, two, three, four, five...
293
00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:53,433
Six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11-
All right, enough!
294
00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:56,144
- Stop it!
- All right.
295
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,105
But you get my point,
Your Honor,
296
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,899
and you could see that Mac was
slowing down at the end there. What?
297
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:04,027
And let the record show that that is because
he only works out his glamour muscles.
298
00:15:04,112 --> 00:15:06,321
No, that's- That's bullshit!
I did, like, three more than you!
299
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:10,075
Yeah, but you were- I wasn't slowing down.
Put that on the record!
300
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:12,536
Strike that from the record.
I don't think you did three more.
301
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,955
- Oh, no! You saw it! She saw it!
- I need this story...
302
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:18,584
Sustained.
To come to an end soon.
303
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:21,169
Okay. Fair enough, Your Honor.
I will bring this story to a close very soon.
304
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,171
Okay, so- Let me pick up
where we left off.
305
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:26,258
We were at the parking lot, and I had just
punched him in the face for cheating...
306
00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:28,719
like he just tried to do
right here in the courtroom.
307
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,304
Stop handing me papers.
308
00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,055
Why did you
hammer my nose, bro?
309
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:34,600
I hammered your nose because you
disqualified me for no good reason.
310
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:36,852
Because you had bad form, dude!
What are you talking about?
311
00:15:36,978 --> 00:15:39,313
You were slowing down, and you
just tried to- That's bullshit.
312
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,732
I got hammered so hard! Yeah?
Well, you deserve it, asshole!
313
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,358
Charlie, who hammered you?
314
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,777
Just some overly passionate
Phillies fans. Who do you think?
315
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:49,031
You getting hammered by Philly
fans is reminding me of something.
316
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,867
There is a secret tunnel between
the stadium and the Ollidy Inn.
317
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:54,953
I know, dude! I was telling this guy
about the tunnel! No! That's not true.
318
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:58,540
They built it 'cause Phillies fans hammer
people all the time! That's a known tunnel.
319
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,334
They gotta get the players out!
It's underground.
320
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,544
Everybody knows about the tunnel.
Let's give the tunnel a shot.
321
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,588
Well, let's get in!
We've got nothing to lose.
322
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,715
It's starting.
You hear that shit? I hear it.
323
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,592
Is that- It seems
like it's gonna rain.
324
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,011
Don't ever disqualify me again for a
bullshit reason, or I'll hammer you again.
325
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,262
Was your form off?
326
00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:17,017
Try to look inconspicuous.
Inconspicuous?
327
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:19,519
We all look like we've been
in a terrible fight, Frank.
328
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:22,064
Everybody in here looks like
they've been in a terrible fight.
329
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,608
These two ladies are in the middle
of a terrible fight right now.
330
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:27,277
Phillies fans are brutal.
There's the elevator. Go! Go!
331
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:31,448
All right. Which way is it, dude?
Which way? Uh, let's try this way.
332
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:35,243
The game is about to start, and this
damn thing is not giving me a signal.
333
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,663
Damn it. I don't know if I'm
on board with this plan, man.
334
00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:41,208
I might just go up to the hotel bar and watch
it up there, then join the riot afterwards.
335
00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:44,336
Maybe you're right. If we can't go to the game,
we should be able to watch it somewhere.
336
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:47,297
We're getting in the game, all right?
Just hurry up.
337
00:16:47,382 --> 00:16:49,966
All right, hang on a second.
This looks good down here.
338
00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:52,719
Bingo. Look at this little room.
This has got to be something, right?
339
00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,763
All right. Here we go.
340
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,765
It's a linen closet, Charlie.
341
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:59,476
Yeah. They want you to think
it's a linen closet, Frank!
342
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,728
All right, check behind the
shelves and shit. Why?
343
00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:05,315
In Scooby-Doo, secret tunnels are always
behind shelves. There's gonna be one.
344
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:08,694
Could we not base our decisions on what does
and doesn't happen in episodes of Scooby-Doo?
345
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,904
Goddamn it! Let's get up to
the bar before the game ends!
346
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:12,906
Yeah, let's go.
Come on.
347
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,574
Oh, shit. It's locked.
What?
348
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,785
What do you mean, it's locked?
It's locked!
349
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,913
Help! Hey!
Somebody help us!
350
00:17:19,997 --> 00:17:21,915
Guys!
351
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,292
Check this out.
352
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,628
No!
353
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:28,505
Holy shit.
Is it really?
354
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,674
This is the way. Hang on.
It's dark in here.
355
00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:32,634
But it sounds like it's a tunnel.
356
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,095
It's dark as hell in here.
I can't see anything.
357
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,680
It stinks.
Awful.
358
00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:39,349
Hang on. Hang on.
I found a light.
359
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,695
No, no!
360
00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:58,869
No, stop it! No! Uh-uh! No!
361
00:17:58,953 --> 00:18:03,206
Are you telling me you all found a
dungeon at the bottom of the Ollidy Inn?
362
00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:05,208
No. No, no.
No, no. Not really.
363
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:08,420
I just added that last part at the
end there to spice the story up...
364
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:11,548
'cause if I'm being honest, it kind of
seemed like we were losing you for a bit.
365
00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:13,592
Yeah, you weren't paying
attention, but- But now you are.
366
00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:17,721
But the point is, we did get stuck
in that linen closet for six days.
367
00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:20,807
Yes, we did. And as you know, there
was a rain delay on the game.
368
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:23,894
We missed the game. We missed the riot.
We missed the parade. We missed everything.
369
00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:27,898
Yeah. And the only way we got out is some
maid came after six days to get fresh towels.
370
00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:31,735
Yeah. How does the hotel not run
out of towels for six days?
371
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:34,988
Let the record show that we question
that hotel's sanitation procedures.
372
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,115
Absolutely.
It's a filthy place.
373
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,993
And while we were stuck
in that tiny little room for six days,
374
00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:42,954
surviving only on sink water
and peppermint candies...
375
00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:46,124
and what little bit of riot punch
we had left at that point,
376
00:18:46,209 --> 00:18:48,668
my car accumulated the massive
amount of parking tickets...
377
00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:50,587
that brings us
before you today.
378
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:54,591
So I submit to you that not only should
I be excused of those parking tickets,
379
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:57,344
but I think, um, we're really owed
compensation for the entire ordeal.
380
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,387
Compensation.
Because we went through some shit!
381
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,807
- Is that it?
- Um...
382
00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:03,517
I think that about
covers the bases, yeah.
383
00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:07,229
Because I do not find that your
story excuses your behavior.
384
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:08,980
In fact, it actually seems like...
385
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:13,026
you committed a litany
of additional crimes in the process.
386
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:15,695
I order you to pay the original fine.
387
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,239
Next case!
388
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:19,282
I didn't want to do this,
but I'm gonna have to...
389
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,368
I'm calling kangaroo court on this one!
A kangaroo court!
390
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,995
It's a kangaroo court.
I'm calling kangaroo court because...
391
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,081
And you know what?
I'm gonna toss in my countersuit.
392
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,208
Uh, Charlie Kelly versus
Major League Baseball...
393
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,293
A countersuit, Charlie?
And the Philly Phrenetic.
394
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:33,004
Don't do it, Charlie. I'm mad that this guy.
He's got a stranglehold...
395
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:35,090
Oh, boy. Look what's happening.
On the mascot scene.
396
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:38,134
First of all, I had to call him the Phrenetic.
His name's the Phanatic.
397
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:41,680
But I'm gonna get sued by Major League
Baseball if I call him the Phanatic.
398
00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:45,392
And let's talk about steroids!
Can we talk about steroids?
399
00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:48,186
Can we talk about steroid abuse?
It's bullshit!
400
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:51,481
It's ruining the game!
It's ruining it!
401
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:38,737
ENGLISH - US - PSDH
402
00:20:38,787 --> 00:20:43,337
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