All language subtitles for Only Fools and Horses s06e07x Outing.eng

Now come on, listen to this.
I've come here to sell my wares.

I haven't come here to be laughed at,
chaffed at or generally mucked about.

I've come to sell my wares
and they're guaranteed.

Guaranteed to cure hard core,
soft core and pimples on the tongue.

Right, now, what we got here today,
I tell you what we'll do

we've got the Musta F80 in-car radio cassette player
as recommended by Nigel Mansell.

No no no, straight up. I wouldn't wind you up would I,
on something as important as this?

This is solid state of the arts technology this,

and this is none of your Japanese or German rubbish �
no sir, this is actually made in Albania.

Listen, let me show you, let me point out
some of the advantages of this wonderful machine.

It's got multiple pre-sets, synthesised tuners,
digital-scan, auto-reverse graphic equalizer.

It's got MW, FM, VHF, LCD, RMS, B&Q and ICI

And it comes complete with two, not one, two,
count them, one...two quadraphonic speakers!

And I am also giving away free
with this technological miracle one Kylie Minogue LP.

Wait a minute. Only �10.99.

No, listen, don't walk away,
you could regret this for the rest of your life

I tell you what I'm gonna do. Forget the Kylie Minogue LP.
Right, ten quid... ten quid, first come, first served.

- Hello, Albert.
- Oh, hello, love.

- What are you up to?
- I am Trotters Independent Traders' executive look-out.

The day Rodney went to work
for your Dad I got promotion.

Yeah? Wish it was that easy for me.

What, have the bank said something
about your new job?

No. I had to sit an interview yesterday.

My boss said he'll speak on my behalf,
so it's fingers crossed.

You'll get your promotion, Cassandra,
I can feel it in me bones.

It'll make a lovely anniversary present for you.

Talking of anniversary presents,
I know what Del's got for you.

But, you know me, I ain't saying nothing-yeah,
don't wanna spoil the surprise.

- Oh go on, spoil it.
- Alright then.

It's a car radio.

- A car ra..! I've already got a radio in my car.
- Have you? It'll do for Rodney then.

Oh yeah, it'll look really
good on his bike, won't it?

Well, maybe Del's looking for the future.

When you get your new job you
and Rodney'll become a two car family.

I think it'll be a long time before Rodney and I
become a two car family.

No, but you've only been married a year,
first two or three are always a struggle.

It was the same with me and my wife - yeah,
she used to write and say me how tough it was.

- What do you mean, she used to write?
- Well, I was away at sea - there was a war on.

Look. I found this morning at the bottom of my duffel bag.
I ain't seen it for years, I thought I'd lost it.

Look, Uncle Albert,
I�ve only got one hour for my lunch!

It was midnight as we sailed in to this little harbour
on board this Greek herring trawler - that was our cover, see.

Oi, what is it your game?
You're supposed to be on look-out

! I haven't seen you look at anything!

The entire massed bands
of the Metropolitan Police force

could march through here playing 'I Shot the Sheriff'
and your wouldn't see nothing!

It was Cassandra,
she wanted to know where I won me medal.

Yeah, it was my fault, Del. I'm sorry. Anyway,
I'd better be going, I've got to get some shopping in.

Oh yeah, what's that for, tomorrow night's anniversary
dinner, eh? What time d'you want us there?

I thought Rodney said we'd take you
and Albert out to a restaurant at a later date.

Yes, I know and I told Rodney
that that was far too expensive.

No, you gotta look after your pennies now,
sweetheart.

Thing is, Del, it's not so much an anniversary dinner,
it's more business

I've invited a couple of people along from the bank.
I'm worried you'll get bored.

No, you don't have to worry about us!
This is your night, and we don't want to let you down.

- You're family now. Alright?
- Yeah. Eight o'clock okay?

Yeah, lovely jubbly!

- Hello Del, hello darling.
- Hi, Marlene. Can I look?

Yeah, if you want, but I warn you he ain't at his best,
miserable little git.

He's missing his morning nap,
ain't you darling?

Oh he's most probably got wind.
Ah, look at him.

He's a little cracker, ain't he, eh?
Does remind me of Boycie.

- Yeah, what, the eyes?
- No, no, the wind.

- What have you named him?
- We've called him Tyler.

Tyler... Nice!

Of course, if it had been a girl
they would have called it Ruth...

Then it would have been know
as Ruth Tyler.

- Really?
- No, it's only...

What's up with you two?

Oh hello, Albert?
Cor blimey, that's not another medal, is it?

Yeah, an act of bravery in the Aegean Sea.
I was on this Greek herring trawler,

when suddenly out of the darkness
come this German torpedo boat!

Albert, you must have come back with more medals
than the Russian Olympic squad!

Oh I didn't ask for 'em!
They kept giving 'em to me.

Oh, shut up, Tyler!

Giss him here. Giss him here.
I'm a natural with kids.

- Alright everyone. I'm off then. Nice to see you.
- Yes alright Cassandra. Ta-ta now love. Bye.

That Cassandra's a nice girl, ain't she?
Rodney was really lucky marrying her.

Yeah, and I was lumbered
with he old man of the sea!

Hey, talking of sea! Boycie's just told me
you lot are off on a beano to Margate!

Oh what, the Jolly Boys Outing?
Yeah, well we go every couple of years. I organise it.

If he gets up to anything with a bird in Margate
I am holding you responsible!

Oh he won't get up to nothing!
We'll only be there a couple of hours.

He don't need a couple of hours!
Thirty seconds does him!

So there I was at the wheel of this
Greek herring trawler sailing into the unknown.

It was twenty three hundred hours
and the night was blacker than a bailiff's heart.

So where's Rodney working now?

Oh he's working with Alan - you know,
Cassandra's Dad, down at the printing works.

What, what - he managed to keep that job?

Oh yeah! And he's doing very nicely.
Works in the computer section.

They had a trainee start last month,
showing him all the ropes.

- Yeah, Rodney'll soon pick it up.
- No, no, Rodney's showing the trainee all the ropes!

Then out the darkness came
this German torpedo boat.

Quick as a flash - and without giving a second's thought
to me own safety or anyone else's,

I swung the wheel to port and sent the trawler
right across the German boat's bow!

We were slightly damaged but Jerry sunk within a minute...
That's why they gave me this medal.

One day, if you're lucky,
you might win one of these.

But then again - hopefully not.

No, What you've gotta understand, Marlene,
is that Rodney's in charge of the whole computer section!

I don't know
where that firm would be without Rodney!

Shit!

That's the second time
I've done that today!

How is it going, Rodney?

Oh, fine.

- You got those print-outs ready for the bank yet?
- Shouldn�t be long, Alan.

I'd be very careful if I was you,
you've wiped them off once today already.

No problem.

So, what have you bought Cassandra
for your anniversary then?

Oh it was... clothing.

Clothing, lovely. Well I expect I'll see it tomorrow night,
she's bound to wear it at the dinner.

- I don't think she will, Alan.
- Well why not?

I really am looking forward
to your anniversary dinner.

Yeah, well, so was I till I found out
she's invited that Stephen and Joanne.

Oh no, you gotta be fair son, you know. Stephen is
the assistant head of the bank's overseas investment bureau.

He's Cassy's boss! She's applied for promotion
so she's gotta stay on his good side.

I know! But he's such a yuppy! It's all that,
'Oh yeah, for sure'.

And all that, 'okay, can I just run this past you'.
Prat!

Yeah, yeah. I can't stand him either.

But he's the sort of man that might do
the company some good one of these days.

I'd rather have him inside the tent spitting out
than outside the tent spitting in! Understand?

Yeah, course I do.

Look, if Cassy is lucky enough to get this promotion,
one of her jobs and one of her duties

is going to be entertaining at home.

So she's invited Stephen and his wife along
to prove that she can throw a good dinner party.

Yeah, I know. Look, take no notice of me,
right, I'm just overreacting.

Well, we'll all be on our best behaviour,
make a good impression for our little Cassy, eh?

- Alan! I've invited Del and Albert!
- You've what?

Well, I had to, well, they're family!

Oh well, I don't suppose she'd have been very happy
in her new job anyway.

Excuse me, sir.

It's just all that data you had on your screen,
it's on my one now!

Well, of course it is!

They don't know they're
born, do they?

Alright, at first glance it may appear
to be slightly off the wall.

- But the word in the city is big bucksville.
- Right, so what is the big secret then?

Stephen's about to tell you
if you give him half a chance.

Alan, this is no stock market secret
or insider information.

It is merely my humble opinion - for what it's worth.
Okay, let me run this one past you.

Try and get you heads round this.
I'm going to say one word,

but bear in mind I am talking 'future',
long term investment, yeah?

- It's 'hang in there' time.
- Yeah, for sure.

Okay, this is the bottom line, take it on board if you wish.
The word is - Africa!

Africa! I'll make a note of that in my Filofax,
if I may, Stephen. You got a pen?

No. The two main ladies in my life, Joanne and Cassy,
know where I'm coming from on this one.

Stephen was telling me about the projected world
growth areas the other day over brunch.

And Africa is where it's at. Recently Joanne and I spent
a little time down in Afrique sur-mer.

- Fabrique belgique.
- This is it.

Fruit produce, yeah? With the introduction of new technology
we could be talking returns of left-field proportions.

- Take the banana crop alone, we are into mega-growth.
- Well, you can't go wrong, Stephen.

- The bigger the banana the better, that's my motto.
- For sure. And statistically we are talking...

- What?
- Well, what I mean is that,

it's easier to sell bigger bananas
than little 'uns! Ain't it Rodney, eh?

Del, I think when Stephen talks about 'growth'
he's talking about financial investment,

not about the actual size of the banana.

Oh yeah. No... yeah... no it's...
I just wasn't sure.

- Coffee, everyone?
- Ah, lovely jubbly.

- Mummy, I was about to do that.
- That's alright, darling.

You were talking with Stephen,
so I thought I might as well make myself useful.

It's a lovely little flat, Cassandra,
everything is so... well, so well coordinated.

That's 'cos Rodney has got a GCE in Art.

Liqueurs, anyone? Dad?

Oh yeah, yeah, I'll have a scotch,
please love.

No, make that a small port please.

- Roddy?
- Roddy!

Roddy! Oi Albert,
she only calls him Roddy, look.

- Derek?
- Mm... brandy, please, Pamela.

- Armagnac?
- Yeah, that'll do if you're out of brandy.

- I'll have a rum, dear.
- Yes, we know!

- I'll stay with the wine.
- Yeah, same here.

- I've gotta be up early in the morning, playing baseball.
- Oh, baseball! Yeah!

- I love it. I always watch it on Channel Four.
- You don't like baseball!

- You've always called it silly boys rounders!
- Yeah, that was before that I knew it was 'in'!

Nowadays it's the sort of game that guys
like me and Stephen enjoy.

- How d'you mean? Guys like me and Stephen?
- Well, you know, yuppies.

Derek, I am not a yuppy.

- You are, Stephen, you are! Guaranteed.
- No, no, really...

Take it from me, son. You are!

Okay, well are you gonna give me the chance
to wipe the floor with you at Trivial Pursuit or not?

Oh yeah, brill...

All right, yeah! Trivial Pursuits, eh?
Lovely Jubbly!

How d'you play it?

The thing is, Del Boy, it's all about general knowledge,
you know, it's a bit intellectual.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

Some of the questions are, you know,
really difficult. It Could be a bit embarrassing.

Don't worry, I'll help you two out.
Alright?

- So... So what part of Africa did you go to?
- I bet he's been there!

- Well, the trip ended at Dar Es Salaam.
- I've been there.

Okay! Look, this is really boring.
We left Nairobi then went south to Moshi,

across the Serengeti to Musoma
then the long trek east to the coast.

During the war.

During the war we pursued a German battleship
down the eastern coast

and right the way through the Zanibar Channel.
Three days and nights we chased it.

- Did you catch it?
- Yeah, worse luck, it sunk us.

- We'll have to find that holiday brochure for Cassandra.
- Yeah, for sure.

Try and get your heads round this, okay?
Imagine the sun setting on the vast waters of Lake Victoria...

A hundred thousand wildebeest grazing
on the Masai Steppe, yeah?

Oh yeah, wonderful.

A misty, sleepy dawn rises to reveal
Kilimanjaro in all its hypnotic majesty.

Oh, it sounds great!

We're all going on a beano to Margate
next Saturday, Stephen. D'you fancy coming?

Me? Yeah it sounds great
but it's bank holiday weekend and

Joanne and I always spend them together.

No, I'm going away to Mummy
and Daddy's next Saturday, remember.

It's better than being on your own, Stephen.
It'll get you out of the old routine.

- No, I mean, I... I wouldn't know anyone.
- Course you will. Rodney's going.

You're going?

Yeah. Well, it's tradition.
You know, it's the Jolly Boys' Outing.

- The what?
- It's the Jolly Boys Outing.

We've been going on 'em for years.

Oh you can't stop Rodney from going, darling.
After all, it's only a day out. It'll do him good.

Yeah. Anyway, your Dad'll be there
to keep an eye on him, won't you?

You're off on a bloody beano?

Well, Del mentioned it. I thought...
you know, a bit of sea air, do me good.

You're going to get drunk, aren't you?
And make yourself ill on jellied eels.

I'm not gonna drink anything and I'm not gonna eat!
I'm just gonna - enjoy myself!

Well, who threw the highest number?
Was it me?

No, Del did.

Roll again, Derek,
and I'll ask the questions.

Alright, there we go. Four. What do I do now?
This me, yeah? That one. Look, one, two, three, four.

- Oh, S&N.
- S&N! What's S&N?

- Science and Nature.
- Oh right.

Oh God! It's so simple!

- 'What is a female swan called'?
- What is em... female swan called?

You don't know?

No no no no. I do, I do.

It's just that it's at the back of me braint here.

- Can you giss a clue.
- Three... three letters.

Oh come on now!
There's nothing in the rules about clues!

Ah, it's a female swan. Three letters.

Um, wait a minute, uh... got it.
It's a Bic!

Get out you noisy little git!

You miserable old sod! You're on a beano,
you're supposed to be enjoying yourself.

I haven't had my full quota of sleep, and I'm starving hungry.
Why'd we have to leave before breakfast?

Don't you read the papers, Albert?
The railways are on strike.

- So?
- And it's a bank holiday weekend.

Which means the roads are gonna be choc-a-bloc,
that's why we left early.

Now repeat that back to me,
I want to make sure you understand.

I'll give you a clump round
the ear in a minute.

Del, d'you reckon I could
get something to eat?

Yeah, 'course you can, Unc,
Denzil's in charge of the sandwiches.

Tell you what, you sit there, and I'll go an' get
some for you, alright?

Lazy old git!

You've gotta give Del his dues, ain't ya?
He did all the catering by himself.

Oh leave off, Jevon, can you see Del Boy
standing in a kitchen cutting up all them loaves?

- He probably got some idiot to do it for him.
- No, I made 'em for him.

Here y'are, want some bitter
to wash them down with?

Denzil, what's your game?
Don't your realise the damage that stuff does to you?

- They're antibiotics!
- What?

Antibiotics, the doctor prescribed 'em.

And I don't need that, I'm not supposed to drink
with 'em... I've got this infection.

- Oh have you?
- It's in the ear.

- How's it get there then?
- That's where you normally get ear infections.

Listen Del, you won't tell the others about this,
will you?

I mean, these days people
get the wrong idea about this sort of thing.

- Oh come on, don't be silly, Denzil. Course I won't.
- It's just an ear infection, that's all.

Oi, oi, oi, Denzil! You don't have to prove
yourself to me, do you? I'm your mate.

Cheers, Del.

That's alright. Oh by the way,
there's been a change in plan.

You're no longer in charge of the sandwiches.

Michael, your luck's changed.
You're in charge of the grub.

- Oi, I wanna word with you.
- Yeah? What is it, Sid?

- I own a cafe, right?
- Yeah, right, so what?

So, why didn't you ask me
to make the sandwiches?

Well, the explanation is simple.
We intend to eat them!

- Oh... alright, then.
- Right then.

Alright lads, only another ten minutes, then we'll be
at the halfway house, that's when the serious stuff begins.

Make those lagers long and cool.

Oh yes! Look out Margate,
and lock up your daughters. Hey?

- Alright, Alan?
- Yeah, I'm alright, son...

Salad... There's cheese for you Tone.
There you go Denzil.

Where is he?

You promised you wouldn't say anything!

Sorry, Denzil, it just sorta slipped out!

Hey Del. Here y'are mate.
It's the halfway house.

Ah! Hey! Lovely Jubbly!

- Oi! You seen Del Boy around?
- He was here just now. Why? What's up?

I think old Harry's had too much to drink,
he's fallen over twice.

Now he's tryin' to juggle with pickled eggs.

So what's that gotta do with Del?

Well, Del organised this outing
so it's his responsibility. I'll try the other bar.

- Sorry mate.
- Oi, Mike! It is you, innit?

I don't believe it! Eddie Chambers!
'Ere, I heard you'd emigrated.

That's right, yeah, I had a pub on the Isle of Wight.
So, you still in the trade?

Yeah, yeah, got a lovely
little place down in Peckham.

There's two of my satisfied
regulars over there.

You uh... around for a
while, then Eddie?

Yeah, 'bout another half hour.

Oh, I'll catch up with you. We'll have a right old chat.
I've gotta dash. A bit of business. See you later.

Panic over the slightest little thing these days.
Wouldn't have done in the war, Sid.

I wouldn't really know, Albert.
I spent most of my time in a German prisoner of war camp.

Got captured on this little island called Syros,
in the Dodecanese - just off the Greek coast.

No chance of escape from
there I suppose.

Well, a few of us tried it one night.
Got right down to the harbour,

overpowered some German sailors
and nicked their boat - fast bugger it was as well.

We'd almost made it to the open sea
and this poxy Greek fishing trawler cut right across our path!

Got fished out by the Germans
and spent the rest of the war in a stalag.

- Fancy another one, Sid?
- Yeah, why not?

Oh there you are! Del.
Listen, we've got a bit of a problem out in the main bar.

- Why, what's happened now?
- 'Ere, gotta stop meeting like this, Michael!

Talk about a bad penny!

Del, I'd like you to meet an old mate of mine.
Eddie Chambers - Del Trotter.

- Nice to meet you, Del.
- And you, Eddie.

Eddie and I used to be rivals over in the East End,
we had pubs almost opposite each other.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, except mine was better than yours.

You must be joking! Del,
you know how I run a pub, don't you?

Yeah, that's right.
His must have been better than yours, Mike.

Oh thank you very much!

You still doing it then, Eddie?

No, no, I got out the pub game years ago.
I own a club now in Margate - the Mardi Gras.

We do a decent meal,
we gotta resident cabaret,

you know, a singer, a magic act, a good comedian,
I mean... What more'd you want for a fiver?

Well that sounds fair enough to me, Eddie.
Here, we're on a beano to Margate as it happens.

Here, I tell you what, I just had an idea!

Why don't you give us some complimentary tickets,
like, you know - just to get the ball rolling

and we'll bring the rest of the coach party
down to your place to pay at the door?

We could pack your place out.

Yeah, I'll have some of that.

Tell you what, look. Two
for you, two for you Del.

There you are, you see, you
know it makes sense.

- Yeah. Maybe I'll see you later then mate.
- Yeah, see you later then Eddie.

- Yeah... good luck. Cheers Eddie.
- Thank you Mike.

What do we want complimentary tickets
for a night-club for, Del?

We've gotta be out of Margate by seven!

Oh look. Thank you very much.
Use your brains, will you Michael?

We might be able to flog 'em
to the holiday-makers, eh? Make ourselves a few bob.

- You know what I mean?
- Don't you ever stop?

No. Yuppies never switch off, Michael.
It's all or nothing with us! Right, now, what's this problem?

I think you'd better come
and have look at old Harry.

Alright, Harry, you'll be alright, mate.
You'll be alright.

- Look at the state of him!
- And it's only eleven o'clock!

This is good news, innit?

It's no problem. You just chuck him on the back seat,
let him sleep it off.

Chuck him on the back seat?
He's the driver!

Oh bloody 'ell!

So what we gonna do now?

I don't know yet. I mean, there's bound
to be a way out of it. There's always a way.

Here, young Denzil's a long
distance lorry driver.

That's right, he could
handle that coach, no problem.

No, he's just got a Heavy Goods Licence.
To drive that coach he'd need a Public Service Licence.

He's got one of them an' all,
he used to drive on the buses with me years ago.

Well that's it then, innit,
eh? We're saved.

Oi, Denzil! Come over here.
This your lucky day.

- No!
- No? What d'you mean, 'no'?

I am not driving that coach!
I've been driving all week and this is my day off!

If you don't drive it we'll have to wait here
until Harry sobers up.

And by the look of him that
could take about a fortnight!

Well Sid used to be on the
buses, he can drive it.

I'd love to, Denzil, but
I've had a couple of drinks.

Yeah, so have I, you see.

No you haven't. You're not allowed to drink.
You're on antibiotics because of your disease.

I have not got a disease!
I have got an ear infection!

Get your left foot up, Harry.
Come on.

What d'you think's wrong
with him?

What do I think?
Well, snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig.

Yeah? I thought he was pissed.

Alright! Alright! I'll drive it on one condition �
Harry drives it home.

Good boy, Denzil, you know it makes sense.
That's it, good lad, Go on then, get on there.

Right, come on then you lot, come on.
Let's get on board. Hurry up!

Oi! You three! Get on the coach,
we're ready for the off now. Rodney, give me that ball.

Ruud Gullit - nowhere!

Excuse me sir.

'Ere, what happened? Hey?

- You! You�re under arrest!
- I couldn't help it!

Yeah, He's right, officer. He's right.

He just, you know,
he just 'threw' the ball back to me, like that.

I don't know how much you had to drink,
son, but it's too much! In the car!

No, I just 'threw' the
ball back at him!

You can tell me all about
it - at the station!

What's Cassandra gonna say
about this?

There's no need for Cassandra
to know anything about it.

And what happens when the
summons arrives?

Oh summons, what summons?
They're not proceeding with the case!

Del, that copper has just charged me
and taken a statement!

He's keeping the ball as Exhibit A!

He also reckoned the Chief Inspector
wouldn't take it any further.

They'll let you off with a warning!

Yeah, but say the don't?

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
I think you're in the clear, in fact I'm sure you are.

- Come on, let's get on the coach.
- Alright.

Come on, that's the spirit,
you know it makes sense.

Right, come on then Denzil.
Full ahead folks, we're off to Margate!

Well, the coach leaves in an hour.
Hasn't been a bad day though, has it?

No, it's been alright, bruv, it's been alright.
I've really enjoyed meself...

I'm feeling a bit cream-crackered now, though.
I think I might have a touch of that yuppy-flu, you know.

Yeah? Couldn't have something to do
with the lobster vindaloo and fourteen pina coladas, could it?

Well, it might have slowed me down a bit, yeah.

I went down the cemetery yesterday �
put some flowers on Mum's grave.

I ain't been down there lately, Del �

There's always something to do, you know.

No, no, it's alright Rodders. She understands.
She knows that you still think about her.

Yeah,'course I do.

Yeah, I just sat there, you know,
I was like chatting and that �

just letting her know what's been happening...

I bet she was well pleased. Yeah.

D'you know your Cassandra,
she reminds me a bit of Mum, you know.

Oh -good.

She's got drive, ain't she? You know.
That's one thing Mum had a lot of drive.

- Yeah, Cassandra's very ambitious.
- That's good, innit?

Nothing gets in the way of her career,
no doubt about that.

- You must be well pleased.
- Yeah.

- 'cos she's and achiever!
- Yeah.

- Yeah, she's a bit like me in many ways.
- Yeah, I s'ppose so.

I've always been an achiever.

I've never actually achieved nothing mind you,
but I've always been in with a shout.

You know, this... this reminds me
of the time me and Jumbo Mills

set up a seafood stall outside the Nag's Head.
"Eels on Wheels' we called it.

We was gonna build empires, you know.

You know, every pub in London was gonna have
a seafood stall outside called Eels on Wheels...

D'you know what I said to him the night
that we came up with the scheme?

This time next year we'll
be millionaires.

I said, 'This time next year
we'll be millionaires'.

And we could have been, Rodney.
We could have been.

You know what killed off Eels on Wheels,
don't you? It was Television!

What, The Cook Report?

No, no, no. It was the television
started humanising fish.

What you going on about?

They did. They started to make fish human!

You know, first of all there was that shark thing,
Flipper - he had more GCE'S than you.

Then there was Squidly Diddly, the octopus,
he used to play the drums. There was Michael Fish!

And that put you out of business?

Yes, it's true, I'm telling you.

in case they was related to
The Man from Atlantis!

And that report from the council health inspector
didn't help none either.

I could have made it though, bruv!
I could have!

You will, Del, you will.

- Never stop believing, eh, Bruv?
- Never stop believing...

- Come on Andy, time to go home.
- Yeah.

Are we all here now, Del?

No, we're just waiting for Rodney,
He's reporting in to headquarters.

Hi, Cass? It's me.

Roddy! I've been waiting
for your call all day.

Have you?

So how are you?

Oh, we're fine. Listen, we're at the coach park,
we'll be off in a couple of minutes.

'Ere, you won't tell my guv'nor what happened,
will you Del? I'd get the bullet if he found out about this.

Leave it out, Harry,
what sorta bloke d'you think I am?

I had one glass of lemonade in that pub!
I don't know what happened.

I felt strange - it was as if I'd been overcome
by fumes or something.

Yeah, well, whatever it was,
it's lucky we had Denzil about, weren't it, eh?

Don't I know it. He's a good
bloke, that Denzil.

Good bloke! He's one of the
best - one of the very best.

- Del!
- What does that dipstick want now?

There's smoke coming from
the radio.

Well you must have pressed
the wrong button or something.

Oh look, I'll come and sort it out.

So how's your day been?

Oh, usual sort of thing.
Oh, Stephen phoned this morning.

Did he?

Yeah. He'd found that holiday brochure
he'd been telling us about.

Mummy called round to see
if I'd like to have lunch with her,

then the Kent Police Constabulary
phoned to confirm that you lived at this address.

That was nice of them, wasn't it?

It's not s'pposed
to do that, is it?

Well, no, we it wasn't in
the brochure at least.

Oi! Boycie! Boycie, here!
Come here a minute.

Yes, What is it?

Look, you see, Dell said
'Give me the ball'.

Oh! I might have guessed
Del would be behind it somewhere!

No, he didn't mean to get
me into trouble!

Well, he never does, does he?

Yet it seems every time Del's around you
something goes wrong and you're at the sticky end of it!

Not every time!

What're we supposed to do
about it?

Well, I'd switch it off if I was you, Del.
The main petrol line runs right underneath there.

Blimey!

- We gotta do something about this!
- Someone get some water.

Yes, good idea. Water, we
need loads of water.

Ain't this coach fitted
with a fire distinguisher?

Abandon ship! Come on, get off there.

...and what about that time he entered one of your
paintings in a competition and you won first prize?

- In the under-fifteen category!
- Yes, I do seem to recollect it. But I don't think he...

... and I had to spend a week
in Mallorca posing as your common-law step-mother!

Come on then everybody.
Hurry up. Look lively.

Alright, look, I agree that Del gets a bit out of hand,

but I think it's unfair to say
that everything he touches goes wrong!

Cass? You still there?

Our coach has just blown up!

Don't worry, Harry,
I won't tell your guv'nor about it!

I don't believe it!
There's only a bloody train strike!

My son is being
christened in three weeks' time!

- What about my cafe?
- I've got a pub to run, Del!

- I was supposed to meet a bird at nine!
- And I lost my dolphin!

Well, just shut up?
I've just about had enough of the lot of you!

What about a Green Line?
There's a bus stop over there.

Yes. Good idea, Denzil!

There you are, look.
The next bus to London is at twenty hundred hours!

- What's that mean, Rodney?
- Eight o'clock. So wee got half hour wait.

Ah well, that's not too bad.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute.
That's the normal schedule...

Look here... uh... Bank holidays, Christmas,
last bus goes at 19.20. We missed it by ten minutes.

- So when's the next one then?
- Ten past eight tomorrow morning.

Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful!

- We could hitch-hike.
- What, twenty-seven of us?

- I remember once just after the war.
- Oh don't start, Unc!

We've had enough of your
stupid stories for one day. Albert!

Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's a war hero,
he's got a right to speak!

I fought for free speech!

Shuddup!

So why does he have to
keep saying such stupid things then?

Look, you keep on Mickey, and the back of my hand
is gonna have a quiet word with your ear'ole!

Oh that's it! Let's all have a punch-up
in the middle of the street �

that'd put the cherry on the cake,
wouldn't it?

And this is the last time
I come out on a beano with you!

And that's the last time I'm gonna invite you!
And I tell you another thing...

Look, calm down, calm down.
You'll get nowhere arguing.

Now, let's look at the facts.
What we got here is Hobson's Choice.

We can't get a train, the last bus has gone,
our own vehicle is somewhat out of action.

The coach company has promised to send down
a replacement vehicle - tomorrow morning at nine o'clock.

So there you have it, gentlemen.

So what you saying?

What I'm saying is, we're gonna have
to spend the night here.

We book into a hotel, a bed and breakfast �
it's only for one night.

You seem to be forgetting something.
This is a bank holiday.

This town is full to the rafters with holiday-makers.
Where are we gonna find a room?

There's bound to be a
couple of them still vacant.

Yes, but there's twenty-seven of us!

Er, me and Mickey are gonna
take a little walk on the sea front.

Yeah, well, we feel like...
you know, stretching our legs.

I quite fancy taking the night air.
How about you, Michael?

We've been down this road
once already, ain't we?

We've been every bloody where!
We've walked further than the Jarrow Marchers.

Yeah and they were all out of work and starving

and I bet they didn't moan
as much as you two! Gordon Bennett!

Here, hang about! Look at that!
I told you some-thing'd turn up, didn't I?

Look! Look, 'vacancies'. Hey?
Hey? Come on. Lovely jubbly!

- If you'd just like to wait here please.
- Oh right, thank you.

Mrs Baker.

Smell that, Rodney. Can you smell that?
That's roast potatoes, innit?

Yeah, and gravy.

And steak and kidney pie
unless I'm mistaken.

We've fallen on our feet,
haven't we?

- And I am starving!
- I know, so am I.

Ain't he a beautiful cat, eh?
And he likes me.

Most probably in love
with that beard.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Look, we'd like a room for the night,
you know, you can chuck in an evening meal,

bit of brekkers, you know, that sort of thing.

Oh what a shame. I let the last of my rooms out
about an hour ago.

No, you got a sign in the
window saying 'Vacancies'.

Is the sign still there?
Oh that silly girl, I told her to take it down.

Excuse me please.

Helen, you forgot to take
the sign out of the window.

Oh I'm sorry, Mrs Baker.
I'll just serve dinner then I'll see to it.

I am sorry, gentlemen.

- Couldn't we kip down in your front room?
- Yeah, or on the landing.

Yeah, or in the airing
cupboard, you know, anywhere.

I'd love to help but it's
the regulations, you see.

Well, is there anywhere round here
we can get a room for the night?

Well, it's difficult. It's a bank holiday weekend you see,
and this rail strike doesn't make things any better.

- You could try... oh no, maybe not.
- No, please, where?

Well, you could try Mrs Creswell's.
She's at the Villa Bella just across the square.

She's always got vacancies.

Oh right. Well, thank you, we'll go
and knock her up then. Yes. Thanks very much.

And the next thing you know
- whoosh, up it went!

Did you see Del Boy's face?

Oh I wish I'd had my video
camera with me.

Oh, look who's here.
It's the Coachbusters!

- Are you staying here as well?
- No, no, we're... no we're not, no.

Oh that's a shame, 'cos
you would have liked it here.

Yeah, we've had a lovely
hot bath each.

Nice warm room.

And the food's great.
You would have really liked it here.

Yeah well, we don't care
'cos we got somewhere even better to go.

Yeah, yeah. That�s right, yeah.

'Ere, you're not going to
the Villa Bella are you?

Um... no, no, we're not, no, no...

No, no, we're no...
We're going down the... it's a secret!

Well that's a relief,
I was beginning to feel guilty 'cos it's so nice here.

How's your disease, Denzil?

I have not got a disease!
It's an ear infection!

Yeah. Mrs Baker, would you make sure
that he takes his tablets.

Only the doctors down at the clinic for iffy diseases
did say that it's not contagious.

Well, at least they said they hope it wasn't.

Bon appetite, gits!

Gertchyer!

Oh look! There it is, look. Villa Bella.

There you are,
don't look too bad.

Don't look too bad? Look at it!
It looks like the Munsters' weekend place!

Oh come on Del, let's find somewhere else.

Oh Rodney, where?
We've been everywhere in town, ain't we, eh?

And look at it, it's gonna start chucking it down again
in a minute and then we're gonna get soaked and frozen.

Now come on, this is our last chance.
You never know, it might be rather nice inside.

Well, I'm game!

There you are, that's the spirit, Uncle. See?
He who dares wins.

Hey, go on... go and ring the bell.
Go and ring the bell. Hurry up.

- Are you Mrs Creswell?
- Yes.

Oh! It's just that the lady down the road,
Mrs Baker.

She recommended us to you.
Said you might have a room for the night.

Come in.

- Are you Bella?
- No. Bella died ten years ago.

I hope they've buried her!

- It's cold, innit?
- That's the weather.

Oh is it? I do...
I don't know, I'm a stranger round here.

I've got a three-bedded room vacant.
It's ten pounds a night each

and that includes
a traditional English breakfast.

Oh well, that's uh... that sounds
just the ticket, Mrs Creswell.

That'll be thirty pounds in advance.
Sign the book.

Inga, show these gentlemen
up to the Blue Room.

Can't you see I'm serving dinner?
I've only got the one pair of hands!

Well, show them up after
you've served dinner!

You do everything your
bloody self round here!

- I'm training her.
- She's coming on a bundle, ain't she?

The front door is locked at 11pm
and not opened again until 9am.

Mrs Creswell, thank you.

Come on, it's up here.

Would you ever come on?

- Move over a bit!
- You've got most of the bed!

You're pulling the covers off me!

Leave it out you two!
You gonna carry on like this all night?

Tell him to stop pulling
the covers off me!

Rodney, stop pulling the
covers off Albert!

Well, tell him to get
over to his own side of the bed.

Albert, will you get over to your own side...

Well, this is like spending a long weekend
with Zippy and Bungle!

God knows what Cassandra
would say if she was here!

Oh, she'd most probably say 'Roddy,
what's your uncle doing in bed with us?'

It's alright for you, Derek, this happens to be
my first night away from Cassandra for a whole year!

I bet she ain't half glad!

What's that supposed to mean?

Is this the way you carry
on when you're in bed with her?

Well, of course it's not!

So why are you giving me
all this aggro?

Beca... because thee is a great deal of difference
between sleeping with Cassandra and kipping with you!

Like what?

Alright, like she smells nice!
Like, she wears...

... things!

Woh back! Woh back!

And like she hasn't got a dopey
white beard thatkeeps tickling me!

See, you've woken somebody
up now!

Rodney, look, come on, it's only quarter past ten.
Let's whip down the old Mardi Gras, eh?

Have a couple of... a couple of jars, you know,
scampi supper, eh?

What d'you reckon? What d'you reckon?

No. Look. I promised Cassandra
I wouldn't go out and I intend to keep that promise.

You reckoned she believed you?

When you said you wouldn't
go out on the town.

Well of course she believed me...

- Why?
- Nothing.

Uncle, you're not trying to suggest that if Cassandra
thought that Rodney was going out on the razzle

that she would go out on the razzle as well,
are you?

What, you mean what's good
for the goose is good for the gander?

- Yeah.
- No.

Cassandra wouldn't have
gone out.

- How'd you know that?
- Because I haven't gone out.

Yeah, but how does she
know that?

Beca... She just does, right?
Our marriage is based on trust.

Yeah, he's right.
Cassandra wouldn't go out enjoying herself.

Thank you.

She wouldn't have to, she's
got that flat to herself.

So what?

No, hey, I... I just meant if she felt a bit 'lonely',
she could invite someone round.

Yeah, like that couple at your anniversary,
Stephen and his wife.

So what's wrong with that?

Nothing. Nothing.
No, it'll be a bit of company for Cassandra.

She seemed to get on well
with that Stephen.

Of course they get on well.
They work together at the bank, he's a colleague.

In fact he's more than a colleague, he's on top...
he's her immediate superior.

No, anyway,
she couldn't have invited them two round,

'cos Stephen's wife's gone away for the weekend,
d'you remember?

Oh yeah.

If that Stephen's been round my flat
I'll kill him!

What put that idea in your head?

I don't know.
Something's been bugging me.

What? Oh! d'you wanna do?

You wanna, you know,
pop out for a drink and sort of talk about it, hmm?

Yeah, it might make you
feel better Rodney.

Yeah, well, I suppose I
could manage a...

This is a conspiracy, innit?
You two are in league with each other, ain't ya!

You just want me to come to
the night-club with you.

And you want the bed to yourself.
Well it ain't gonna work!

I promised Cassandra
I would not go out and I am not going out! Alright?

Alright, alright, keep your hair on.
No, we was only geeing you up. We didn't mean any harm.

Alright. Well let's shut up about it
and get some sleep.

Do with an extra blanket,
I'm freezing in here.

Yeah, it is a bit cold, innit?

Cold? You bits of kids
don't know the meaning of the word.

You should have been with me on the Russian convoys.
One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze.

Come on then, just one
quick light ale.

Where have I seen that bird
before?

It's that sort, wossername?

The one you went out with
for a while, Del.

It's Raquel, the strippagram!

- No, it is not!
- It is, Del.

You look at the board:
The Great Ramondo and Raquel!

It is her!

Raquel!

Del?

Alright?

Bloody clever that, innit eh?
Marvelous!

So I got back to England about six months ago.

I wasn't sure what to do with myself.
I haven't got any family,

except a brother in Milton Keynes,
but we haven't spoken for years.

So I saw my agent
and she tied me in with Ray.

- Ray?
- The Great Ramondo.

He was working in a holiday camp
down in Devon,

his last assistant had walked out on him,
well, he's a bit of a pig.

Anyway, after that we got
a three-month contract here.

Oh, it's not much but it's a job,
it keeps a roof over my head.

I didn't mean to let you down,
you know.

I was on my way round to you
and I was unexpectedly arrested.

I know, it's alright,
you've already explained.

Why didn't you write to me?

Write to you? I thought you'd dumped me!
I've got pride, Del!

I've never written to the other blokes
who've dumped me and I wasn't starting with you!

D'you want another drink?

No, I'm back on stage in a little while.

It's been noone else. I mean, since we split up
I haven't - you know - I've not been interested.

No, no, nor me.

No, no, honest!

Yeah, alright, I believe you.

Anyway, what you gonna do...
when this contract's finished?

Oh, I'm leaving the act.
I can't stand Ray anymore.

He's got a temper, sometimes he frightens me.
Don't know where I'll go.

Peckham's very nice this
time of year.

Is it?

I know a lovely little flat
you could stay at, an� all.

Maybe I'll try Peckham
then. Thanks.

Raquel, would you give me
your autograph?

Get away!

No, I mean it, straight.
Honest.

I've never given an autograph before.

Well look, it's easy.

All you got to do, look, is just write your name...
and your address

and your telephone number.

Alright? Get your pigeons
back alright?

Yes, I did! Raquel, I don't know what the hell
you were playing at on that stage,

but don't you ever let that happen again!

I'm sorry, Ray. I was distracted.

Professionals are not distracted, love!

You either get your act together
or you find somewhere else!

There's plenty more where you came from.
We're on in ten minutes!

Alright, Ray, I'm coming.

D'you want me to whack him for you?

Del, please, please! Stay out of it?

My contract hasn't long to run
so all I want to do is keep him sweet.

Besides, he's right,
it was unprofessional of me.

I'll see you then.

Yeah. You've still got my
address, haven't you?

Yeah, well, you know, you can write to me or phone me,
you know, if you like. You won't forget, will you?

Oh, I'll never forget you, Del.

- The most beautiful sound I ever heard.
- Will you keep your noise down?

People are tryin' to sleep!

She's lovely though, ain't she, Rodney?
Eh? She's lovely isn't she?

Yeah she's lovely, now shut up!

- It's locked!
- It's what?

It's locked.

Oh, that's right, she said she locks it
at eleven! What time is it now?

It's twenty to two.
I'll just have to ring the bell.

You can't ring the bell,
you'll get Mrs Creswell out of her coffin!

Well what we gonna do then, eh?
We can't hang round here till the morning, can we?

Del, if you wake her up she'll sink her teeth
into our necks before you can say, 'wooden stake'!

You're frightened of her, ain't you?

Yes!

Well, I�m not!

Well, you ring the bell!
I'm gonna hide behind the wall.

Alright, maybe there's
another way out of this.

- That's our room, innit? That one?
- Yeah, I think so.

Right!

Abandon ship!

Throw something up at the
window.

Yeah, alright.

You wally, now look
what you've gone and done!

Me?

Yeah. You were the one that said
go on throw something up at the window!

I meant a little pebble,
you just chucked half a paving stone through it!

Mrs Creswell!
One of our windows has just been smashed!

I heard it! Phone the police, Inga.

Oh, That's all I need, innit?
I'm gonna get nicked twice in one day!

Look alive, Rodney, look alive.
Just get out of here. Come on, let's get out, let's get out.

Hello?

Hello, Raquel? It's Del Boy.

Del? What d'you want?
It's two o'clock in the morning!

Yeah I know. I'm sorry to disturb you, sweetheart,
but Rodney's been and got us into a bit of trouble.

I didn't get us into this!

Yeah you did! It was your
bright idea, weren't it, eh?

- You chucked the bloody thing!
- I know but you said...

Yeah, look, look, look,
look, wait! What's wrong?

Oh, we've been locked out of our digs
and we've got nowhere to kip for the night.

We was wondering
if you could put us up till the morning.

It's a bit awkward, Del.

Raquel. It's freezing out here!
We've just bumped into a brass monkey crying his eyes out.

Oh, alright then.

Push the door and come up.

Oh good girl. You know it makes sense.

Yeah, that's better.
Cor, it's 'taters out there.

Oh, sorry about this, Raquel.

Oh, that's okay. So what happened?

Well, the old girl where we were staying,
she locks her doors at eleven.

Well, I mean, we didn't leave your nightclub
till gone one, did we?

Well, I'm afraid an armchair
and a settee is the best I can offer you.

No, no, that's... That's great.

No, That's... that'll be lovely, Raquel.

Yeah. It's alright, look,
we'll be away first thing in the morning,

'cos our new coach comes about nine o'clock.

Listen, sweetheart, you can't give us something
to warm the old cockles, can you?

Yeah, ok. I'll make you a coffee.

Oh yeah. Cushty. Cushty.

She's a blinding bird,
ain't she, Rodney, eh?

What, Raquel? Yes. T'riffic, Del.

She's got a radiant smile,
have you noticed that?

- What, her radiant smile?
- Yeah.

You can't miss it can you?

I mean when she walks in she...
well she lights up a room.

Yeah. Most of your birds
walk in and light up a fag.

Yeah! Yeah, and she's as straight as a die,
you know, straight as a die.

She don't mess around with other blokes,
you know.

What, you're saying Cassandra does?

No! No, course not.
No, I've got nothing against the girl!

That's alright then. 'Cos if I thought you...
Sorry.

You're a touchy little git sometimes, ain't you, eh?

All I was just saying was, that since Raquel met me
she hasn't been out with any other blokes.

Well she only met you two
hours ago!

No, I don't mean this time!
I mean like the first time!

Oh, right.

She has been true to me.

Raquel, what's all the noise?

- The Great Ramondo?
- What you doing here?

What am I doing here?

We was locked out of our digs and Raquel said
we could spend the night here but we're gonna go soon!

Oh did she? Well, we'll see
about that!

Raquel. What's the idea of letting strangers
into the flat without even asking me?

- I'm gonna kill him! Gonna kill him!
- No, stay calm, Derek!

It's gonna take a bloody good surgeon
three or four hours to get his magic wand back!

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Now come on, calm down!

I wanna know what the hell
is going on here.

Sit down!

Now, look, there's probably
a perfectly simple explanation to this.

Like what?

Well, how the hell should I
know?

There is a simple explanation, Rodney.
The Great Ramondo's a bleeding bully boy!

Raquel told me. He's got her trapped here.

If she don't play ball with him not only has
she lost her job but she's lost her home as well!

That's blackmail and I don't like that sorta thing!
I'm gonna sort it out right now.

Oi, oi! You're not certain of anything!
Don't jump to conclusions.

Look, for all you know them two might be...
well, you know.

I don't know... look, just find out
what the situation is first, right?

Nice 'n' easy, Del? Right? Nice 'n' easy.

Alright! Alright, Rodney.

I'm just gonna go in there and just gonna ask
a few questions and, you know, like... and that's all.

And what happens if you
don�t like the answers?

Well, that's life, innit, eh?
Just I'll know where I stand then, won't I, eh?

Alright.

Excuse me... I'm terribly sorry to bother you.
I just wondered if we could have a little chat?

See if we could come to some sort of a...
an understanding.

That's the way, Del, nice 'n' easy.

Now do you understand what
I was trying to say, eh?

Why the hell did you do that?

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright Raquel.
It's alright.

You don't have to be frightened
of the Great Ramondo no more - Del Boy is here.

Right, Ramondo - or can I just call you Great, eh?
Do you understand what I've been subtly trying to indicate?

You are out, pal! Your lease has expired!

This is nature's little way of trying to tell you
to get your arse down the road apiece!

- Why don't you explain to him?
- He hasn't given me the chance!

You'd better warn him
I was in the Territorials!

I don't think that's gonna
cut a lot of ice with him, somehow.

Alright! There's your coat!

There's your case...

and there's the front door!

Or would you prefer to
take the more direct route?

Can I just say something?

Yes alright. You can say something.

You better make it quick and you better
make it polite - there is a lady present!

There is nothing going on
between Raquel and me!

Nothing going on between you two?
A fella and a bird sharing a flat, there's nothing going on!

What d'you take me for?

Look, I assure you it's the truth!
You see...

Raquel is not my type!

What d'you mean she's not
your type?

You could do a lot worse
than that.

This is Ray's room...

This is my bedroom...
Do you see what Ray's saying?

If I was the last woman on God's earth
I still wouldn't be his type!

Take your time, Del.

You see, it's purely a financial situation �
it's cheaper than us paying for separate flats.

Oh! You mean you're...

Yes.

Well, why didn't you say?

It's not the sort of thing
one drops into an introduction.

God - I'm terribly sorry!
What must you think of me?

No need, really. Over and
done with.

Well you see I... I didn't know.

You didn't ask, did you?

No, you see I thought that...
you see I thought... I mean I...

you see... Is...
I... didn't I, Rodney?

Yeah, yeah he did.

You see... ooh... oh dear, I do believe
I may have dropped your suitcase out of the window.

I'll fetch it. I could do with the air.

No, you see, I'm... you see I thought...

No, no, no, Del, you didn't think!
You never think!

You don't look, you don't listen,
you don't notice any of the signs!

You just go at it like a mad bull!

I only did it for you!

Well, if that's supposed to
make me feel better, it doesn't!

I might publish your diaries one day, Del.
I reckon that could be a winner.

I don't believe you sometimes!
Why did you do that?

He Who Dares Wins,
I've always been the same!

Well, this time I reckon that
He Who Dared cocked it right up!

Thank you.

I know you did it for me
but you were stupid and you were embarrassing!

Thank you.

Magic!

See you, Dave.

Rodney! Here!
Oi, here a minute! Come here a minute!

Listen. You are master of your own flat.

Yeah, okay.

You're a man. Don't want
any rules, no collars and lead.

Alright, Del, alright!

You've gonna go in there,
put your foot down with a firm hand

and let her know where she stands. Right?

You've just... You just gotta sort it out, alright?
Just, you know sort it out.

- Alright. I'll see you.
- Yeah, I'll see you then. Ta ta.

I didn't expect you
back this early.

No... well, here I am.
Cass, can we have a talk?

I don't think this is an appropriate time, Roddy.
Maybe later.

Look, I really think we
ought to sit down and discuss...

Hi, buddy, how's it going?

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just passing.
So how was Margate?

Forget Margate!
What are you doing in my flat?

Hey, back off, Rod!
I mean, what's the problem?

Roddy, what's wrong?

Well, I'll tell you the problem, shall I?

There's something I've really wanted to do
for a long time but I've...

I've never got round to it!

So let me run this past you, Stephen.
Try and get your head round this.

Now you know where I'm coming from!
Okay? Buddy!

Alright, Joanne?

What have you done to Stephen?

He punched me on the nose!

Well, what's she doing here? I thought
she was going away for the weekend to her parents!

She was but there was a
rail strike!

Joanne brought this holiday
brochure round for us!

D'you see anything in it
you like?

Hello sweetheart? How are you today?
Oh good. How's the Great Ramondo...

Oh yeah...

Well, I'm sure in his heart of hearts he understood...
Oh, we've been back about an hour... Yeah.

Mm? No, everyone's alright.
We dropped Rodney off at his house, yeah...

Cassandra? No, she'll be alright,
she'll be as good as gold.

Rodney's a bit of a charmer on the quiet �
no, he knows how to handle situations...

Yes I know, sometimes I wish I was
a bit more like him and all...

Old, Albert. He's feeling much better now,
yeah...

Oh, didn't you hear?
He got a whack on the head.

I dunno, I dunno. The strangest thing.

He was lying in bed last night when all of a sudden
a rock came flying through the window,

and it caught him a glancing blow on the head...
Dunno, it's a mystery!

It's no mystery to me!
Bloody yobbos done it! They should be locked up!

That's right, Unc.
That is absolutely right, yeah.

Tell her what happened to Boycie and Mike
when they was walking home from the nightclub.

What? What was that?

Someone chucked a suitcase
through a window.

Caught Mike right on the shoulder �
fortunately Boycie's head broke its fall.

It's a terrible old world, innit, eh sweetheart?

Listen Raquel. Raquel, you have forgiven me now,
haven't you sweetheart?

Oh good. You know it makes sense.

I was thinking
about taking the van out for a test drive next Saturday,

well I'm fitting a new radio, yeah.

I was thinking I might go down to Margate.
I wouldn't be in a hurry to get home...

I was just wondering if you could get
the Great Raymondo to do a disappearing act?

Oh cushty! Yeah. Oh that's great.
Alright darling, I'll see you next Saturday sweetheart...

Yeah, alright. Bye for now. Bye.

Lovely Jubbly!

Oi! What's your game? If you wanna cup of tea
go an' make one, you lazy old sod, go on.

Alright bruv? Sort it all out?

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