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1
00:00:56,521 --> 00:00:59,400
'Ere, look who's here, look,
Phil the Flooter!
2
00:01:00,383 --> 00:01:04,017
Oi, now don't you go winding
him up! There could be rivers of blood!
3
00:01:04,354 --> 00:01:07,832
Yeah, there will be rivers ofblood.
Look t the way he tucked us up with that paint last week!
4
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:12,702
Here, just shove that on the meter.
And I'll see you inside in a minute! Alright?
5
00:01:17,807 --> 00:01:20,191
Hello Ranji my son, how are
you, alright?
6
00:01:20,361 --> 00:01:23,785
Here, I saw your missus on Tuesday, she's got a
terrible spot on her forehead ain't she?
7
00:01:26,088 --> 00:01:27,143
- Hello sweetheart.
- Alright?
8
00:01:27,297 --> 00:01:29,721
Yeah. He's a nice bloke you
know, that Ranji!
9
00:01:30,347 --> 00:01:34,183
He took me and Rodney over to Southall
last week. They was holding this Asian song contest.
10
00:01:34,665 --> 00:01:36,761
- Is that right?
- Yeah, bloke called Singh won it!
11
00:01:38,412 --> 00:01:39,355
Singh!
12
00:01:39,905 --> 00:01:40,907
What d'you want, usual?
13
00:01:41,125 --> 00:01:46,811
Yeah, Campari and diet coke please!
'Ere, how's the new guv'nor treating you?
14
00:01:47,562 --> 00:01:50,146
Oh, he's alright! Did you know
we're having this place done up?
15
00:01:50,323 --> 00:01:52,218
Are you? About time it was redecorated.
16
00:01:52,402 --> 00:01:55,479
Last time it was done they had to keep stopping
'cos of the Zepplin raids!
17
00:01:57,134 --> 00:01:59,928
Look who's here, look...there
he is, Paddy McIntee's goat!
18
00:02:00,103 --> 00:02:01,223
Are you alright Del?
19
00:02:01,426 --> 00:02:04,023
Alright? What d'you mean alright?
After that paint you sold me!
20
00:02:04,202 --> 00:02:06,782
- Was there something wrong with it?
- It was supposed to be apple white!
21
00:02:06,938 --> 00:02:08,612
- And what was it?
- Battleship grey!
22
00:02:10,123 --> 00:02:12,456
Well there's a thing! I'll tell
you what.
23
00:02:12,815 --> 00:02:17,400
If, on my travels, I come across someone who wants
their battleship painted, I'll put 'em in touch!
24
00:02:17,651 --> 00:02:21,308
You do that! You do...you're a
right con merchant you are aren't you, eh?
25
00:02:21,471 --> 00:02:23,958
I don't know how people like you can live
with yourselves. Really, I...
26
00:02:24,116 --> 00:02:26,351
Oi - you know that over-coat
you sold my dad?
27
00:02:26,529 --> 00:02:28,795
It's got a great big hump in
the back!
28
00:02:29,055 --> 00:02:31,060
Well of course, it's genuine
camel-hair innit!
29
00:02:33,443 --> 00:02:34,397
I'll tell him that.
30
00:02:35,236 --> 00:02:38,978
Yeah, yeah, alright, alright,
I'll let you off the paint, this time!
31
00:02:39,294 --> 00:02:41,129
Here, I thought you
were going back to Dublin's fair city?
32
00:02:41,274 --> 00:02:45,036
I was, till the brewery
decided to have this place re-decorated.
33
00:02:45,215 --> 00:02:46,987
Oh and you've got the contract
have you?
34
00:02:47,145 --> 00:02:51,940
As good as! I've arranged it with the guv'nor
that mine's the lowest estimate!
35
00:02:52,374 --> 00:02:54,159
See you Del. Oh, by the way.
36
00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:56,335
If you come across young Denzil tell him
37
00:02:56,487 --> 00:02:59,991
I tried to phone him twice last night
but I haven't got his number!
38
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:05,437
Right. 'Ere, just a minute,
has he got your phone number?
39
00:03:05,828 --> 00:03:07,610
- No.
- I'll tell him to phone you then.
40
00:03:08,053 --> 00:03:09,054
Thanks.
41
00:03:09,681 --> 00:03:14,186
Oi, just a minute - just a minute.
Here, what d'you want with Denzil anyway?
42
00:03:14,353 --> 00:03:16,552
Oh, he's after having me
decorate his front room.
43
00:03:16,737 --> 00:03:19,463
It'll be a couple of hundred to
take back to the old country.
44
00:03:19,614 --> 00:03:23,285
'Ere, well listen, when you go back to the old country
don't eat any of them carrots!
45
00:03:24,149 --> 00:03:26,152
- Why's that?
- They've got potato-blight!
46
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:27,841
Would you believe it...
47
00:03:30,731 --> 00:03:34,454
- Are you alright there Rodney?
- Yes, yes, triffic thank you Brendan!
48
00:03:35,586 --> 00:03:37,652
Were you happy with that paint
I got you last week?
49
00:03:38,344 --> 00:03:44,004
- The paint? Yeah, ace!
- Good. I'll see you around then.
50
00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:46,403
Oh yeah. Yeah, you take care
of yourself.
51
00:03:51,540 --> 00:03:53,599
I don't know how I managed to
keep my hands off him.
52
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:57,536
Come on, drink up, we're going!
53
00:03:57,958 --> 00:03:59,672
What do you mean drink up?
I haven't had a drink yet!
54
00:03:59,951 --> 00:04:01,446
Good, I don't want you falling
off the ladder!
55
00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:04,309
- What ladder?
- The ladder round at Denzil's place!
56
00:04:05,382 --> 00:04:06,783
Del, what the hell are you
talking about?
57
00:04:06,993 --> 00:04:10,109
- We're doing up Denzil's front room!
- You never told me.
58
00:04:10,927 --> 00:04:15,846
I know, I couldn't. I mean, be fair Rodney,
I haven't even told Denzil yet! Come on.
59
00:04:20,081 --> 00:04:21,740
Del, I've told you before an'
I'm gonna tell you again,
60
00:04:21,898 --> 00:04:23,513
we should have
nothing to do with it!
61
00:04:23,679 --> 00:04:26,805
I know, but Denzil's no good at papering
and painting and that sort of thing.
62
00:04:27,090 --> 00:04:28,385
Well that makes three of us.
63
00:04:28,860 --> 00:04:32,343
Look, no, you seem to forget that Grandad
used to be a decorator for the council!
64
00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:37,273
Del, that was in 1924. He used
to go to work on a horse!
65
00:04:37,805 --> 00:04:41,942
And even then he got the sack after two days
for wallpapering over a serving hatch!
66
00:04:42,823 --> 00:04:44,045
Oi, that's another thing,
67
00:04:44,211 --> 00:04:47,802
how d'you think Denzil's wife's
gonna react after what you did to her last year?
68
00:04:47,990 --> 00:04:50,006
Now Rodney, that's all in the past,
69
00:04:50,172 --> 00:04:52,834
Corinne's a sensible girl,
it's forgive and forget, that's her.
70
00:04:53,404 --> 00:04:56,966
Anyway, give us a chance to get even with that
Paddy, I'd love to take a couple of hundred off him!
71
00:04:57,281 --> 00:04:59,623
Anyway you never know, we
might be able to get shot of that paint!!
72
00:04:59,829 --> 00:05:03,804
Oh yeah! I mean everyone's having their woodwork
done in battleship grey nowadays!
73
00:05:04,588 --> 00:05:07,432
But you don't know.
Corinne and Denzil may quite like it!
74
00:05:07,835 --> 00:05:11,215
Del, you'll make their front room look
like the conning tower of the Ark Royal!
75
00:05:12,341 --> 00:05:13,657
Oh, shut up you tart!
76
00:05:15,910 --> 00:05:18,168
Come on Sylvester, talk to
Denzil!
77
00:05:18,897 --> 00:05:24,917
Say Viv Richards is King! Come on,
let me hear them golden tones! Come on.
78
00:05:26,467 --> 00:05:28,840
Ah, you stupid ras bird!
79
00:05:30,673 --> 00:05:31,952
Alright, I'm coming.
80
00:05:32,172 --> 00:05:35,450
You'll have sailors doing the
hornpipe, jump-jets landing of the sofa!
81
00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:37,616
Will you shut up Rodney!
82
00:05:38,281 --> 00:05:41,671
- Del my man!
- Denzil my son, how are you?
83
00:05:41,873 --> 00:05:43,915
- Come in.
- Yeah, great.
84
00:05:44,502 --> 00:05:46,361
I haven't seen you for ages,
where have you been?
85
00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:48,983
Well, you know me, here, there
and everywhere - ducking and diving.
86
00:05:49,938 --> 00:05:52,069
- Rodney, you're looking good!
- Yeah!
87
00:05:55,753 --> 00:06:00,119
He's cool, I like it! I tell you,
if he wasn't so white I'd swear he was black!
88
00:06:01,882 --> 00:06:03,261
Yeah, he is white ain't he!
89
00:06:03,489 --> 00:06:05,557
He's the whitest man I've ever
seen in all my life!
90
00:06:06,536 --> 00:06:07,882
I'm not ever so white!
91
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:11,058
You are! You'd make an albino
look bronzed!
92
00:06:12,618 --> 00:06:14,075
Here, grab one of these each!
93
00:06:14,276 --> 00:06:18,071
- Oh, here Denzil, Corinne ain't about is she?
- No, no, she's round her sister's.
94
00:06:18,222 --> 00:06:19,013
Oh that' alright...
95
00:06:19,171 --> 00:06:20,833
Hey, you ain't still worried
about what happened are you?
96
00:06:21,219 --> 00:06:24,656
Come on Del, she's forgotten all about that now.
Anyway, what brings you round?
97
00:06:24,835 --> 00:06:27,168
Just passing through,
thought we'd call in.
98
00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:28,940
'Ere have you had this place
done up?
99
00:06:29,219 --> 00:06:30,600
- No.
- No, I didn't think you had.
100
00:06:31,606 --> 00:06:32,867
We're getting it decorated
soon though.
101
00:06:33,301 --> 00:06:35,025
Corinnes' been at me for ages about it,
102
00:06:35,365 --> 00:06:38,634
but I'm no good at that sort of thing
so I got the Irishman to do it.
103
00:06:38,909 --> 00:06:41,656
Oh Brendan? Oh well, you can't go
far wrong with him Denzil.
104
00:06:41,839 --> 00:06:46,846
He's a good man. Here, did you hear about
that house he did up in, where was it, Kings' Avenue.
105
00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:51,222
He made a beautiful job of it so I
hear. Mind you I only saw it after the fire!
106
00:06:56,474 --> 00:06:59,110
Who's a pretty boy?
He's a lovely boy ain't he! Is he yours Denzil?
107
00:06:59,755 --> 00:07:04,170
No, he's Corinne's, she's had
him for a few years - what fire?
108
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:06,416
You mean the house burnt down?
109
00:07:06,608 --> 00:07:08,602
Yeah, but don't get me wrong,
it wasn't Brendan's fault!
110
00:07:08,798 --> 00:07:11,699
I mean, look, I know a lot of blokes
who like a couple of pints at dinner time.
111
00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:13,902
And it's very easy to forget where you
left your blow-lamp!
112
00:07:15,446 --> 00:07:16,872
So it was accidental then?
113
00:07:17,065 --> 00:07:20,456
Oh yeah! It was an accident,
even the coroner said so!
114
00:07:21,672 --> 00:07:22,960
- Coroner??
- Yeah.
115
00:07:23,136 --> 00:07:23,984
Right, that's it,
116
00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:28,544
I'm having no drunken Irishman falling about
my living-room with a lighted blow-lamp! No way.
117
00:07:28,877 --> 00:07:33,523
Oh my Gawd, oh I wish I hadn't
said nothing now,
118
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:38,284
oh I feel really bad about this - you know what,
with Brendan being a mate an' all!
119
00:07:39,016 --> 00:07:43,182
Look, never mind Denzil. Look on the
bright side, he might not burn your place down.
120
00:07:44,787 --> 00:07:48,093
Yeah, well I'm taking no chances Del,
I'm getting somebody else to do the job!
121
00:07:48,251 --> 00:07:50,147
Oh well. Well, it's up to you.
122
00:07:50,353 --> 00:07:53,906
I mean, as I always used to say to my customers
when I was in the painting and decorating game,
123
00:07:54,064 --> 00:07:56,216
I used to say 'It's your
money, it's your choice.'
124
00:07:57,570 --> 00:08:00,154
You never told me you used to
be a painter and decorator?
125
00:08:00,707 --> 00:08:03,285
Oh yeah, yeah, it's been the
family trade for generations ain't it Rodney?
126
00:08:05,007 --> 00:08:06,393
Yeah. There you are, see.
127
00:08:06,662 --> 00:08:09,088
But demand got too much, we had to
give it up in the end.
128
00:08:10,950 --> 00:08:14,246
Listen, couldn't you
just do this living room for us?
129
00:08:14,387 --> 00:08:15,307
What this?
130
00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:18,738
Oh no, no, no, sorry mate, no, no, you know,
we've given the game up now!
131
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:22,447
Oh come on Del! Corinne's been
bending my ear about it for ages.
132
00:08:22,847 --> 00:08:23,945
Just this one room yeah?
133
00:08:30,767 --> 00:08:33,745
No, no. No, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
134
00:08:33,901 --> 00:08:36,260
If I do it for you
I've got to do it for all the others! Haven't I?
135
00:08:36,539 --> 00:08:39,373
Del, for a mate in trouble!
Please!
136
00:08:42,429 --> 00:08:46,190
- Alright, just for you though!
- Cheers Del, you're a pal!
137
00:08:46,465 --> 00:08:47,795
I don't know. I don't know what
it is with you.
138
00:08:47,943 --> 00:08:50,352
You manage to twist me right round your
little finger, don't you?
139
00:08:51,308 --> 00:08:52,301
When can you start?
140
00:08:52,488 --> 00:08:53,622
First thing in the morning.
141
00:08:53,789 --> 00:08:55,829
A hundred up front, we
supply the paint and that's extra.
142
00:08:55,979 --> 00:08:57,539
- Done.
- And you will be.
143
00:08:59,102 --> 00:09:00,141
I'll get some more drinks.
144
00:09:00,303 --> 00:09:03,944
Good, what about that Rodney,
eh Rodney, nice little earner, eh?
145
00:09:04,935 --> 00:09:06,365
I don't think I'm ever so
white!
146
00:09:08,354 --> 00:09:10,987
You are. You look like a blood
donor who couldn't say no!
147
00:09:14,071 --> 00:09:15,911
- Hiya!
- Hi hon.
148
00:09:17,237 --> 00:09:19,448
Hello baby, have you missed me?
149
00:09:23,076 --> 00:09:26,925
Denzil!! What the hell is he
doing in my home??
150
00:09:28,424 --> 00:09:30,405
Hello Corinne, you look as
lovely as ever!
151
00:09:30,929 --> 00:09:33,957
- Del just popped in to say hi hon.
- Did he really?
152
00:09:34,091 --> 00:09:35,503
'Hello'. There's the door!
153
00:09:36,231 --> 00:09:38,307
'There's the door.' She's a
card ain't she!
154
00:09:39,903 --> 00:09:41,288
And what's he doing?
155
00:09:43,181 --> 00:09:46,388
I want you to tell me the
truth Corinne. Am I white?
156
00:09:48,047 --> 00:09:50,924
Denzil - have you and Rodney
been at the funny fags?
157
00:09:51,339 --> 00:09:54,860
No, honest hon, we haven't,
we've just got some drinks that's all.
158
00:09:55,515 --> 00:09:59,103
I go round my sister's to see
how she is after having the stitches out,
159
00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:02,234
and I come back
to find my home full of crazy people!
160
00:10:02,570 --> 00:10:06,081
Oh come on babe, be friendly!
Del's gonna do the decorating for us!
161
00:10:06,247 --> 00:10:07,321
He's what?
162
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:10,294
Well, I blew the Irishman out,
I mean I've heard bad things about him!
163
00:10:10,925 --> 00:10:12,841
Denzil, how can you trust this man?
164
00:10:13,374 --> 00:10:15,691
Every time you meet him
you end up drunk or out of pocket?
165
00:10:16,152 --> 00:10:18,009
Yeah I know, but he's a mate!
166
00:10:20,733 --> 00:10:23,668
Would a mate sell you an overcoat
like the one he sold you?
167
00:10:23,804 --> 00:10:25,705
Oh now, come on, be fair Corinne,
168
00:10:25,854 --> 00:10:28,957
that was a very nice overcoat,
looked like it was made to measure!
169
00:10:29,281 --> 00:10:31,228
Yeah, for the Hunchback of Notre Dame!
170
00:10:33,020 --> 00:10:35,991
And what about the time
he offered to do the catering or us?
171
00:10:36,130 --> 00:10:37,960
Oh don't bring that up honey
please.
172
00:10:38,417 --> 00:10:44,845
That was our wedding Denzil!
What was it we were supposed to have Del?
173
00:10:46,276 --> 00:10:55,547
Lobster vol-au-vents, game pie, kidneys with
saffron rice, beef and anchovy savouries!
174
00:10:55,987 --> 00:10:57,324
Philadelphia Truffles!
175
00:10:57,593 --> 00:11:00,868
And what did we end up with?
Pie 'n' chips all round!
176
00:11:02,330 --> 00:11:04,161
Now I explained all that
Corinne, didn't I?
177
00:11:04,319 --> 00:11:07,009
The fridge went on the blink and all the
goodies went manky!
178
00:11:08,429 --> 00:11:11,001
And what about our three-tier
wedding cake?
179
00:11:11,328 --> 00:11:13,392
Yeah, well, that was in the
fridge with all the other gear!
180
00:11:13,658 --> 00:11:16,320
I mean the icing melted,
it dripped everywhere!
181
00:11:16,693 --> 00:11:20,335
Yeah, yeah, that's true Corinne,
by the end of the week it looked like a big candle!
182
00:11:21,492 --> 00:11:23,070
I thought you said she'd forgotten about all this!
183
00:11:23,523 --> 00:11:27,504
How can I forget it? I have to live with
that wedding album the rest of my life.
184
00:11:28,641 --> 00:11:32,820
How many times have you seen a picture
of a bride and groom cutting a jam sponge?
185
00:11:36,691 --> 00:11:38,710
Oh be fair, Corinne, be fair.
186
00:11:38,853 --> 00:11:42,786
He only got that at the 11th hour,
otherwise it could have been an eccles cake!
187
00:11:45,819 --> 00:11:49,018
You want 'em to do the decorating
then you let 'em.
188
00:11:49,413 --> 00:11:52,768
But I promise you this Denzil,
if anything goes wrong
189
00:11:52,924 --> 00:11:56,666
I'll make you wish your mother had had a
headache the night you was conceived!
190
00:12:11,334 --> 00:12:13,319
She's a little treasure ain't she?
191
00:12:16,476 --> 00:12:18,626
Come on Rodney, let's
leave the love-birds alone!
192
00:12:18,925 --> 00:12:23,148
Talking about birds, you just make sure that Buzzby's
in the kitchen tomorrow 'cos of the paint fumes.
193
00:12:23,582 --> 00:12:24,848
Leave the key under the mat!
194
00:12:26,055 --> 00:12:30,225
Cheer up Denzil, you know it makes
sense! Come on, let's get out of here.
195
00:12:34,024 --> 00:12:36,011
That'll keep us out of trouble
for a couple of days!
196
00:12:37,416 --> 00:12:40,182
Look, I know I'm white, but
I'm no whiter than anyone else!
197
00:12:41,146 --> 00:12:45,041
- You are, you're whiter than Denzil.
- Kunta Kinte's whiter than Denzil!
198
00:12:45,893 --> 00:12:48,008
Here, we might be able to earn
a couple of bob out of this.
199
00:12:48,461 --> 00:12:50,508
- How?
- We could hire you out for hauntings.
200
00:12:51,857 --> 00:12:53,204
I'm starting to get more wild Del.
201
00:12:53,342 --> 00:12:55,787
Now listen, you'd do very well
in one of them Mickey Mouse seances!
202
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,075
You know where you have to appear
through a thin veil of gauze.
203
00:12:58,223 --> 00:13:00,207
You could say, 'I am Rodney,
the anaemic ghost.'
204
00:13:02,095 --> 00:13:04,842
What, oi, that's my hat. You
saucy little git.
205
00:13:05,341 --> 00:13:09,138
Oh no, it's gone under a bus
now!! I'll put you under that ruddy bus...
206
00:13:11,375 --> 00:13:13,429
They ain't got a serving hatch
have they?
207
00:13:15,538 --> 00:13:20,480
No, no, it's alright, don't
worry! Alright, come on Rodney.
208
00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:22,678
Now get them dust sheets - all
over this furniture, will you.
209
00:13:26,295 --> 00:13:27,712
Hey, look Corinne's left a
note!
210
00:13:31,896 --> 00:13:35,808
'Leave the telly alone, don't eat
the fruit and stay out of the kitchen.'
211
00:13:36,790 --> 00:13:40,888
Leave the telly alone and don't eat the fruit!
What sort of people does she think we are?
212
00:13:41,578 --> 00:13:44,178
Yeah, she's got us tagged all
wrong ain't she!
213
00:13:45,805 --> 00:13:47,891
'Ere, look at the time, it's
half past nine, come on Rodney,
214
00:13:48,029 --> 00:13:49,282
put the kettle on, we'll have a
cup of tea.
215
00:13:50,048 --> 00:13:53,434
Del, she said stay out of the kitchen!
Now I reckon you're taking liberties!
216
00:13:53,564 --> 00:13:56,051
Well, everyone's entitled to
a cup of tea Rodney,
217
00:13:56,261 --> 00:13:58,606
I mean, it's in the Magna Carta or
something!
218
00:13:59,435 --> 00:14:01,622
That's right taking liberties,
I ask yer...
219
00:14:01,958 --> 00:14:05,010
'Ere, while you're out there have a look in the
cupboard an' see if there are any Jaffa cakes going.
220
00:14:05,711 --> 00:14:09,148
Go on, go on, don't worry Grandad
we'll soon have this job finished!
221
00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:12,317
- Yeah, soon as Rodney pulls his finger out!
- Yeah.
222
00:14:22,831 --> 00:14:25,814
If this gets a bit much for
you Del have a nice sit down, eh?
223
00:14:26,572 --> 00:14:27,969
Yes, alright, alright, Rodney,
thank...
224
00:14:28,124 --> 00:14:30,165
Go on, get going, get going,
we'll never have finished at this...
225
00:14:30,317 --> 00:14:34,813
Hello Ginger? Del Boy! How are
you going my son?
226
00:14:35,821 --> 00:14:38,164
Oh no, we're all fine, no we're absolutely
fine 'ere.
227
00:14:38,325 --> 00:14:46,158
Well, Rodney's looking a bit pale. Apart from
that we're alright. How's the family? Oh triffic!
228
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:50,134
- Ginger? Who's he talking to, Ginger Ted?
- Yeah it sounds like it.
229
00:14:50,325 --> 00:14:51,969
Has he come back from Canada
then?
230
00:14:52,315 --> 00:14:54,564
- What's the weather like out there?
- No.
231
00:14:54,869 --> 00:14:59,967
The time. It's just gone 'alf
past ten! What, is it really?
232
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:08,225
Cor, go on. No I'll tell you what, no, you go back
to sleep, yeah, I'll give you a bell tomorrow, alright.
233
00:15:08,379 --> 00:15:11,209
And I'll leave it a bit later
like. Yeah, alright, see yer pal!
234
00:15:12,759 --> 00:15:14,151
Cor look at that, it's marvelous ain't it, eh?
235
00:15:14,302 --> 00:15:16,531
All the way to Vancouver and
it's as clear as a bell,
236
00:15:17,260 --> 00:15:19,744
yeah, well, it's modern space
technology innit!
237
00:15:20,599 --> 00:15:22,569
I've justbeen bounced off a satellite!
238
00:15:23,657 --> 00:15:26,717
If Corinne finds out she'll
bounce you off Chelsea Bridge!
239
00:15:28,023 --> 00:15:30,292
- Oi you, where's my tea?
- What tea?
240
00:15:31,208 --> 00:15:33,211
Well I asked you about an hour ago
241
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,869
to put the kettle on to have
a cup of Darjeeling, remember?
242
00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:38,315
Oh Gawd, yeah, I forgot all
about it.
243
00:15:40,224 --> 00:15:42,244
Bloody hell, I left the kettle
on the gas!!
244
00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:45,963
Oh stone me Rodney, I don't know
what's the matter with him sometimes,
245
00:15:46,105 --> 00:15:48,448
he seems to
live in a world of his own!
246
00:15:50,073 --> 00:15:51,171
- Here Del.
- What?
247
00:15:51,356 --> 00:15:53,941
Supposing the steam starts the
wallpaper peeling.
248
00:15:54,096 --> 00:15:55,335
Oh that's charming that, isn't it.
249
00:15:55,482 --> 00:15:58,108
We come round here to do the living room
and end up stripping the kitchen!
250
00:15:58,287 --> 00:15:59,882
Oh Del, I can hardly breathe!
251
00:16:00,139 --> 00:16:03,427
You may not ever breathe again
if this wallpaper's ruined!
252
00:16:03,624 --> 00:16:07,617
Oh look, condensation is everywhere!
Quick, get me a cloth!
253
00:16:07,774 --> 00:16:09,051
Yeah I'll open the window.
254
00:16:09,353 --> 00:16:10,638
That's right, go on Grandad.
255
00:16:11,494 --> 00:16:13,818
If we tidy this place up maybe
she might never notice!
256
00:16:14,412 --> 00:16:16,235
She might notice the kettle!
257
00:16:17,706 --> 00:16:20,458
Gordon Bennett, I don't
believe it!
258
00:16:21,196 --> 00:16:23,656
Put it back.
Say nothing. She might blame Denzil.
259
00:16:24,633 --> 00:16:27,284
- Del Boy, come and have a look at this!
- No, we're busy Grandad!
260
00:16:27,899 --> 00:16:31,610
Look, I'm sorry about all this Del, it's just what
with all the other work in there and then you...
261
00:16:31,784 --> 00:16:34,718
Alright, alright, alright, Rodney.
It's no good going on.
262
00:16:34,858 --> 00:16:37,550
It's just one of them things.
Accidents will happen.
263
00:16:37,737 --> 00:16:38,752
Yeah, cheers.
264
00:16:39,529 --> 00:16:44,322
Del, Del look. It's the bird...
265
00:16:50,434 --> 00:16:52,560
He don't look very well to me!
266
00:16:56,131 --> 00:17:03,345
That is most probably due to the fact Grandad
that he is stone-dead. You dozy little twonk Rodney.
267
00:17:04,798 --> 00:17:07,424
Hold on, just now you said it
was an easy mistake to make!!
268
00:17:07,857 --> 00:17:09,915
Yeah, it is if you're bloody stupid.
269
00:17:11,610 --> 00:17:12,941
It might not be completely dead!
270
00:17:13,584 --> 00:17:16,524
It might not be completely dead,
it's just been sauteed!
271
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,842
What is Corinne gonna say when she
comes back
272
00:17:19,987 --> 00:17:21,915
and finds out what you
have done to her little pet??
273
00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:25,816
Well I wouldn't mind seeing her face
when she gets her next telephone bill.
274
00:17:26,191 --> 00:17:28,014
Look at this big hole you've
made in the kettle!!
275
00:17:28,349 --> 00:17:30,656
Well, it's not as big as the
hole you made in them Jaffa Cakes is it!
276
00:17:30,870 --> 00:17:36,655
Will you two pack it in! We've
gotta think of a way out of this!
277
00:17:38,869 --> 00:17:42,490
I've got it! I've got it, we
could say it was caused by paint fumes!
278
00:17:43,541 --> 00:17:46,147
Paint fumes? Paint fumes.
279
00:17:46,630 --> 00:17:50,413
When Corinne comes back in here
she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered,
280
00:17:50,568 --> 00:17:52,514
her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath
281
00:17:52,806 --> 00:17:55,853
and she's got a Kentucky Fried canary
at the bottom of that cage!
282
00:17:57,256 --> 00:17:58,857
And we're gonna say
paint fumes.
283
00:18:01,756 --> 00:18:02,901
Yeah, you're right!
284
00:18:05,162 --> 00:18:06,306
I'll tell you what we'll do,
285
00:18:06,528 --> 00:18:08,149
Rodney and I, we'll try and
clear this place up!
286
00:18:08,306 --> 00:18:09,611
Grandad, I want you to go down the
High Street
287
00:18:09,769 --> 00:18:12,118
and I want you to get a packet of Jaffa Cakes
and a canary.
288
00:18:12,812 --> 00:18:16,238
- Where do I get a canary from?
- Why don't you try the boot mender's!
289
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,697
Don't you get saucy Rodney,
you ain't too big to get a slap round the head!
290
00:18:19,850 --> 00:18:22,704
Oi, oi, will you stop it you
two. We haven't got much time now, go on.
291
00:18:22,863 --> 00:18:24,722
Well, how much is a canary?
292
00:18:24,872 --> 00:18:27,239
Well how the bleedin' hell do
I know?
293
00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:29,379
Here, look, take the lot.
294
00:18:29,504 --> 00:18:31,270
Go on and make sure you don't get
mugged!
295
00:18:33,705 --> 00:18:37,353
And make sure...And make sure you get a canary -
you know and a yellow one!
296
00:18:37,778 --> 00:18:40,080
Yeah, we don't want a budgie
or a parrot!
297
00:18:40,735 --> 00:18:42,592
No, you want a canary don't you?
298
00:18:42,767 --> 00:18:45,162
Yes! Alright, write it down
for him Rodney! Write it down.
299
00:18:45,780 --> 00:18:49,537
- It's alright Del, I'll remember! Yellow canary.
- Go on and hurry up then!
300
00:18:49,861 --> 00:18:53,549
A yellow canary - a yellow canary...
yellow canary.
301
00:18:56,248 --> 00:19:02,700
- Well I suppose it could have been worse.
- Could it?
302
00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:05,550
Well if you're gonna be like that, no!
303
00:19:07,601 --> 00:19:08,758
I'll tell you what we're gonna
do, right.
304
00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:13,825
If we clean this place up, polish the kettle,
put a new canary in the cage,
305
00:19:14,343 --> 00:19:20,231
maybe Corinne won't suspect anything!
Grandad's the one that worries me!
306
00:19:21,154 --> 00:19:22,057
How d'you mean?
307
00:19:22,303 --> 00:19:27,942
Oh, it's I've got this feeling in the pit of my stomach,
he's gonna come back with a goldfish!
308
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,859
Louis! I need a canary, quick!
309
00:19:40,329 --> 00:19:45,849
Hey Grandad, it's a long time,
eh? You sit down for a while.
310
00:19:45,983 --> 00:19:48,736
- No. I ain't got time.
- You want a drink?
311
00:19:49,096 --> 00:19:53,054
No, I want a canary! This is
an emergency.
312
00:19:53,310 --> 00:19:56,801
Emergency? I've never sold an
emergency canary before!
313
00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:02,359
I'll tell you what I've got for
you, I gotta lovely greenfinch. She's beautiful!
314
00:20:03,038 --> 00:20:08,919
- No, I want a canary!
- You want a bird of paradise?
315
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:12,123
- Is it a canary?
- No!
316
00:20:13,365 --> 00:20:14,948
Well I don't want it then!
317
00:20:15,129 --> 00:20:17,997
Alright, alright, stay calm,
now please what do you want?
318
00:20:18,327 --> 00:20:19,637
I want a canary!
319
00:20:19,822 --> 00:20:24,824
He wants a canary, I've only
got one canary!
320
00:20:25,130 --> 00:20:26,138
I'll take it.
321
00:20:26,313 --> 00:20:30,069
No, no. It's not as simple as
that! This is my canary!
322
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:36,642
This is Arturo, he's my own pet!
323
00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:39,796
Can't you sell him?
324
00:20:40,592 --> 00:20:43,503
No, he's been with me for
years!
325
00:20:43,665 --> 00:20:49,811
He's like one of the family,
he's my own flesh and blood!
326
00:20:50,053 --> 00:20:51,680
I'll give you fourty-five
pounds!
327
00:20:51,852 --> 00:20:54,399
Okee Dokee, Ciao Arturo!
328
00:21:04,585 --> 00:21:07,863
Oh, hello Corinne love.
Smashing weather ain't it?
329
00:21:08,135 --> 00:21:10,052
Yeah! I thought you was back at the flat?
330
00:21:10,405 --> 00:21:15,901
I am. What I mean is I just
popped out to get something to eat!
331
00:21:20,675 --> 00:21:24,539
- You going home straight away?
- No I've got a bit more shopping to do.
332
00:21:25,032 --> 00:21:28,329
Oh good! Well, I'll see you
back there later love.
333
00:21:35,841 --> 00:21:37,534
That thing cost fifty quid?
334
00:21:39,227 --> 00:21:43,810
Yeah. I mean, they was much
cheaper in my day and age.
335
00:21:43,987 --> 00:21:46,210
I thought they was much
cheaper in this day and age...
336
00:21:46,798 --> 00:21:49,504
I mean for 50 sovs you could at
least have got a bigger one!
337
00:21:50,302 --> 00:21:53,036
No, no, 'cos then Corinne
would have known the difference.
338
00:21:53,402 --> 00:21:57,194
You see to us it's just a canary,
but to her it's a personal friend.
339
00:21:58,311 --> 00:22:02,362
We ought to double check it you know make
sure it ain't got no distinguishing features!
340
00:22:02,998 --> 00:22:04,816
You mean like freckles or a
birthmark?
341
00:22:06,896 --> 00:22:09,917
Del if this one is different
she'll twig it straight away!
342
00:22:10,478 --> 00:22:13,825
Grandad, go down the vet's and
see if you can get his dental records.
343
00:22:14,431 --> 00:22:16,000
Sit down, sit down.
344
00:22:20,267 --> 00:22:24,072
Look soppy, unless the other one had got
a dimple in its chin and a beer gut,
345
00:22:24,364 --> 00:22:26,039
no one's gonna be none the wiser!
346
00:22:27,154 --> 00:22:28,905
Now, come on, let's get back in
that other room
347
00:22:29,060 --> 00:22:30,694
and make it look as though we've done
something today!!
348
00:22:32,817 --> 00:22:36,650
That's her, quick, go on get up the stairs.
Grandad, against the wall, go on.
349
00:22:37,163 --> 00:22:39,707
That's it, go on, go on. That's the way
Rodney, lots of care!
350
00:22:40,263 --> 00:22:43,862
That's right, I want this to be a 100
per cent luxurious job!
351
00:22:44,265 --> 00:22:47,814
I want this place to look like a
palace for Denzil and Corinne when the...
352
00:22:48,111 --> 00:22:51,664
Oh, hello Corinne, how are you
sweetheart?
353
00:22:52,466 --> 00:22:54,104
- I'm fine thanks.
- Good.
354
00:22:54,997 --> 00:22:56,600
- D'you want a cup of tea?
- No!!
355
00:22:58,837 --> 00:23:02,023
Alright, don't bite my head off,
I only asked if you wanted a cup of tea!
356
00:23:02,283 --> 00:23:03,194
No, no, it's alright, Corinne.
357
00:23:03,369 --> 00:23:07,464
No it's just that we're like Magnus Mackeson,
you know we've started so we'll finish!
358
00:23:08,866 --> 00:23:11,296
Yeah, it's sort of personal
pride with us Trotters.
359
00:23:13,581 --> 00:23:14,872
Okay, please yourselves!
360
00:23:17,731 --> 00:23:19,852
She's gonna twig it, I know
she is!
361
00:23:20,996 --> 00:23:24,337
No Rodney, just, you know,
just have faith in me will yer!
362
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:28,310
There is no way in a million
years that she's gonna suspect...
363
00:23:28,474 --> 00:23:29,934
What's happened to my canary?
364
00:23:32,230 --> 00:23:33,576
On the other hand.
365
00:23:34,192 --> 00:23:35,191
What's up love?
366
00:23:35,429 --> 00:23:38,239
Listen to me, listen to me, if
that thing's laid an egg I'm gonna kill you!
367
00:23:41,499 --> 00:23:45,683
- Look!
- Well, he seems alright to me love!
368
00:23:45,856 --> 00:23:47,418
Yes, there's nothing wrong with him!
369
00:23:47,618 --> 00:23:50,067
Yeah look at him he's hopping
about all over the place like a good 'un!
370
00:23:50,385 --> 00:23:53,590
Yeah, I know that, but when I woke
up this morning he was dead!
371
00:24:10,259 --> 00:24:15,500
- I never did like that Corinne.
- No, fancy chucking us out like that.
372
00:24:15,844 --> 00:24:18,171
Yeah, I mean what did she expect?
373
00:24:18,758 --> 00:24:22,464
How many decorating firms does she know
that give you a free canary with every job?
374
00:24:23,992 --> 00:24:25,552
I shouldn't imagine there's
many Del!
375
00:24:26,590 --> 00:24:31,596
No. And was she satisfied? I
said, was she satisfied?
376
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:33,830
- No!
- No, of course she wasn't.
377
00:24:33,930 --> 00:24:37,200
But why she did not just bury
the thing this morning?
378
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,300
She was too upset weren't she?
379
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,500
That's why she was waiting for
Denzil to come home!
380
00:24:42,300 --> 00:24:45,100
She could of at least told us
it was laying in state in the kitchen?
381
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,600
She wasn't there was she!
That's why she left the note!
382
00:24:49,100 --> 00:24:50,800
'Please do not go in the
kitchen.'
383
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:55,100
Look she ain't blaming us
for the demise of Buzzby.
384
00:24:55,700 --> 00:24:58,000
I think what really got up her nose was
385
00:24:58,300 --> 00:25:01,200
when she went to make a cup of coffee
and flooded the kitchen!
386
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:06,400
She turned own my offer of a
brand-new kettle! Didn't she?
387
00:25:06,700 --> 00:25:11,200
- Didn't have a tenner on her!
- She could have paid on the weekly!
388
00:25:12,700 --> 00:25:15,000
- Are you alright Del?
- Yeah, hello Brendan.
389
00:25:15,500 --> 00:25:17,200
Rodney?
390
00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:19,500
D'you reckon he knows Del Boy?
391
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,000
No. Corinne's not the sort to
broadcast it.
392
00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:28,000
I taught I taw a puddytat a
cweeping up on me!
393
00:25:31,700 --> 00:25:32,800
Mouthy cow!
394
00:25:34,300 --> 00:25:41,800
I was talking to Eye-talian Louis, he told me
he sold you a flea-bitten canary for 45 pounds.
395
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:50,700
- 45?
- What did I say then Del?
396
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:52,200
What did you say!
397
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:55,300
Don't worry Del, I've taken
over the job at Denzil's flat.
398
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:59,400
But it'll cost him a bit more now you amateurs
have been playing around with it!
399
00:26:01,700 --> 00:26:05,500
Do you know what Rodney, if that Brendan
wasn't so big, I'd give him a right seeing to!
400
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:07,200
Yeah, so would I.
401
00:26:07,300 --> 00:26:08,300
Well you're as tall as he is, Rodney.
402
00:26:14,100 --> 00:26:16,100
Well you can't hit a man of
that age can you.
403
00:26:18,500 --> 00:26:22,100
- You alright gents? How are you?
- Oh, you must be the new governor?
404
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,700
That's right, Mike Fisher,
pleased to meet you.
405
00:26:26,500 --> 00:26:29,000
Hello Mike, Del Trotter, people
may have mentioned m.
406
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,300
Yes they certainly have!
407
00:26:32,100 --> 00:26:34,200
Well I'm a popular character
round these parts.
408
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:38,800
'Ere Mike, could you just tell me is it true
that the brewery are gonna have this place decorated?
409
00:26:39,100 --> 00:26:40,500
Yeah, that's right, in the
very near future.
410
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,200
Is it also true that mouth almighty
over there has got the contract?
411
00:26:46,100 --> 00:26:49,000
Well, let's say he's favourite,
his estimate's by far the lowest.
412
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:54,200
- How much is he doing it for?
- Oh come on, it's confidential isn't it.
413
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,200
No, no it's not, no come on. Brendan and I,
well I mean, we're like that!
414
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:01,400
I don't suppose it matters who
knows, he's bragging about it himself now.
415
00:27:01,700 --> 00:27:02,900
He reckons he'll
do it for a grand.
416
00:27:03,500 --> 00:27:07,700
A grand? And who decides which
estimate to accept?
417
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:08,900
I do.
418
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:17,000
Michael, could I have a word
in your shell-like...
419
00:27:19,500 --> 00:27:22,500
I might be able to offer you a
much better deal my son!
420
00:27:23,300 --> 00:27:27,200
I could get this pub decorated
to exactly the same standard as Brendan,
421
00:27:27,300 --> 00:27:32,400
and it would cost
your brewery a mere 2,000 pounds!
422
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:34,400
Two thousand pounds?
423
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:37,500
That must be a tempting offer, eh, Rodney?
424
00:27:37,700 --> 00:27:40,600
Yeah, well, he's a born
businessman ain't he?
425
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:42,200
No hang about, hang about -
426
00:27:42,300 --> 00:27:47,400
look why should I turn down an offer
of a thousand and except one of two thousand?
427
00:27:47,700 --> 00:27:50,000
Because of all the advantages
it has to offer,
428
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:56,600
like my specialised profit-sharing
scheme! Let me explain how it works.
429
00:27:56,900 --> 00:28:01,500
The two thousand pounds
would be dispersed thus:
430
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:07,900
there would be five hundred pounds
for vous and five hundred pounds for me.
431
00:28:08,700 --> 00:28:11,300
- What you mean I get 500 quid?
- Oh yes!
432
00:28:11,900 --> 00:28:13,800
Yeah, and what happens to the
thousand that's left over?
433
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,600
We give that to the Irishman
and let him do then job!
434
00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:21,500
You've got a deal Mr Trotter!
435
00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:22,700
Thank you Michael.
436
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:27,300
Can I have a word? Who's a pretty boy then?
437
00:28:27,350 --> 00:28:31,900
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