All language subtitles for Only Fools and Horses s03e03 Friday the 14th.eng

Here we are. Guess where we're
going at the weekend?

No. Give us a clue.

Alright Rodders, if you insist.

Eerrgh, you pig, you. Geddit
away.

How's that rice going down,
alright?

Geddit out.

Where are we going then Del?

We're going skiing.

Where d'you think we're going you soppy
old...We're going fishing aren't we?

Well, I know that. I mean
where?

Oh. I see what you mean, we're
going to a place called Tregower.

Where's that?

- Cornwall.
- Cornwall?

Why are we going all the way
down there?

Because that's where Boycie's
weekend cottage is.

I had dinner with him lat night at
Mario's

and he happened to mention he'd got this
weekend cottage and it was free and so Bob's yer uncle.

- How much rent he charging you?
- Nothing.

He's letting us have it for
free?

Yeah, all for gratis.

Come on, Del, there's gotta be
something behind this.

'Cos Boycie would scalp you if
dandruff had a going rate.

You're becoming so cynical Rodney.
He's just doing a mate a favour isn't he, eh?

Wait a minute. You met him in Mario's?

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

Grandad come on, look, clear all this fishing gear
will you 'cos I want to pop out.

- Mario's is a fish restaurant.
- Is it? Yeah, see you later.

Bit of a coincidence Del, innit,

you meeting him in a fish restaurant
and the next thing we're all going fishing.

He's like Elliot bleedin' Ness
at times ain't he, eh?

Alright Rodney, I was gonna tell you
when we got down there

- you know - as a sort of surprise like.
- Oh yeah!

Yeah, yeah, as a surprise, yeah.

Well, this cottage happens to near one
of the finest salmon fishing streams in England.

Now Mario has agreed to pay us ten pounds
for every fish that we bring back.

Now Boycie and I are going to
halve it, that's a fiver each.

So let's say that we - we do what, 60 fish,
that will be 300 sovs in our pocket.

We split it three ways that means you and Grandad
get fifty pounds each, a weekend's fishing and free digs.

Now, what d'you
reckon to that?

I reckon it's illegal.

You hurt me sometimes Rodney.

You really do, you don't even let me finish before you go
jumping to your nasty little delusions.

It's lucky you ain't a judge Rodney –
you'd hang 'em before they'd finished the oath.

Alright. Alright. I'm sorry.
I just thought.

Yeah, I know exactly what you
thought.

So we've got permission have
we?

Well, we will have. We see the gamekeeper
when we get down there and pay him 25 quid.

What and he gives us a fishing
permit?

No - he shows us the hole in
the fence.

I knew it.

- It's called business.
- It's called stealing.

- No it ain't Rodney.
- Listen to your Grandad.

It's called poaching.

And what do we know about
that, eh?

Del, he can't even poach an
egg!

Rodney, it'll be a doddle.
This stream's jam-packed with salmon.

We just put our hooks
in and whip 'em out.

Del - it is illegal, it is
immoral, it is unethical.

Alright, me and Grandad'll go
on our own, and split the profits between us.

Now I didn't say I wouldn't
come, did I?

'Gone poaching, ba ba ba ba,
left a sign upon the door. Gone poaching, ba ba.'

You keep on Rodney and you're
gonna get a smack right in the ear'ole.

Oi, oi, oi, what' all this
about?

Ooh my Gawd, it's the Old Bill!

Someone's doubled you up about
them salmon.

Ssh. Look, just let me do the
talking.

Good evening Officer. Now, if it's about the tax disc I can
assure you that the new one is in the post.

It's nothing to do with your road fund licence sir.
Down for a bit of fishing are we?

No, no, no, no, nothing like
that, no.

Then why have you got three
fishing rods tied to yer roof rack?

No, no, 'cos you remember we
said we might do a little bit of fishing.

Yeah, that's right, yeah, yeah, might do –
you know - just a little bit - tiddlers.

No salmon though.

I see. You haven't given anyone a lift
in the last halfhour or so have you sir?

No. Look, what is all this
about anyway?

We've just had word that a
patient's escaped from the local hospital.

Escaped? What you got out
here, national health stalags?

It's no ordinary hospital sir.
It's an institute for the criminally insane.

See, this storm's brought a few power
cables down, blacked out the entire area.

It even put the institute's security system
out of action.

So this patient took his chance
and made of across the moors.

He's out there somewhere now. For all
I know he could be watching us.

What was he in there for anyway?

Ten years ago this very night,
he killed a party of weekend fishermen.

You may have seen it on the TV?
They called him the Axe Murderer.

No, no, no, I must have been
out that night.

You good people be very careful.

Don't pick up any hitch-hikers, don't stop for
anyone, no matter what the circumstances.

And, if you see or hear anything suspicious,
phone the police immediately.

Your lives may depend on it.

Right gentlemen - have a nice
weekend won't you?

Yeah, well, come on. Full ahead
both Rodney.

- We ain't going on are we?
- Yeah, course we are.

Del, there is a crazed axe
murderer out there somewhere.

I know that Rodders, but you seem to be forgetting
that we're on a 300 quid earner.

Don't worry, we'll be locked up safe and sound
in Boycie's cottage. Anyway there's three of us...

There's me and you...

Don't worry, I'll look after you!

Right, get this stuff out of
here, come on.

Alright. Grandad.

I wish you'd shut up Rodney,
you're making me nervous.

Look, I didn't say I saw
'someone' did I? Just that I saw 'something'.

Yeah, alright don't worry, get
them lanterns going will you Rodney.

Why, what's wrong with the
lights?

- No electric is there.
- Someone's been tampering with it.

No, look, the storm has blown
the power cables down remember?

- The whole area's blacked out innit?
- Oh yeah!

Yeah, I'll just see if I can find some candles
in this cupboard over here...

- What are you doing?
- I'm phoning the law!

You're doing what? What are
you trying to do to me?

Cor, look, we're down here doing a
bit of 'fishing',

the last thing we need is the local
Polizia sniffing round our keep-nets.

Look, that copper said that if
we see or hear anything suspicious

phone the police immediately –
our lives could depend on it.

Alright then, who have you
seen Hawkeye?

I saw a - well, a movement in
the trees.

A movement? Of course you're
gonna see movement in the trees

there's a ruddy
typhoid blowing out there.

Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry.

It's alright, come on, pull
yourself together, alright.

That's it.

It's a typhoon.

Good idea Rodney, put the
kettle on, we'll have a nice cup of tea.

Del, there's only an electric
kettle out there.

Well, use a saucepan then.

No, there ain't none.

Gordon Bennett. Look, come out
of my way, look, I'll do it.

Here, look - have a look in that sideboard,
see if Boycie's left any scotch will you.

If he hasn't we'll have to drink mine!

Here you are Rodney. See what
I mean, there ain't no ghosts or ghouls out here!

Del Boy, come in here quick.
Rodney's found something!

Has he? What?

Monopoly! Oh, now we are all doomed!

Not the monopoly!

Well, it's only a chopper.

- It's an axe!
- Same thing.

No, Del. The police ain't
looking for an escaped chopper murderer.

Let - just a minute - let me
ask you two something. Where are we?

We're in schtuck!

No! We're in the country, aren't we?

And country people have these things hanging about.
It's part and parcel of their lives.

Alright, let me ask you something.
Where do you think that escaped bloke is right now?

- Probably out there on them moors.
- In this weather?

Well, he's mad ain't he?

He might be mad, he'd have to
be bloody stupid to be out in the moors.

Exactly. I reckon he'd have holed up somewhere.
Found himself an empty place. Like this!

Yeah, but this place ain't
empty, is it?

It was before we arrived, Del.

What d'you reckon, alright
then, he's up there having a kip?

Well, he could be up there.

Well I shouldn't let it worry you Grandad, 'cos the three
bears have probably eaten him by now.

I mean, what is this
fairy story that you're giving me?

What's the matter with you
two? You been sniffing the bostik or something?

Alright then, well, why don't you go up
the wooden hill to Bedfordshire and check it out?

I don't have to.

Look, I mean, listen, would any selfrespecting
axe murderer pop upstairs for 40 winks

and leave his chopper in the
sideboard?

He might have a spare one.

He's got a kit of 'em now has
he?

I suppose he's got a
little caddie that carries 'em round for him.

And another thing. If the man of the
moment is upstairs having alie-in,

who was that you saw out there in the trees?
His brother?

- Oh yeah, that's right.
- He can't be in to places at once.

No, of course not. Oh, he's
most probably half-way to London by now.

Yeah, of course he is. He's most probably looking
for an empty place up there.

Hope he don't find our flat!

Will you hut up? Will you just
stop all this nonsense?

Now look, are we all agreed that
we are safe and sound?

Well, well yeah.

Right. Right. Now can you
just, like, relax a bit now, you know. Alright?

Here you are. Now, I wonder where the
toilet is?

It's outside, I saw it as we
come in.

Right!

I think I'll leave it till morning.

Ah - Park lane. I think that's
one of my properties Rodney.

Course it is - you own everything on the board.

No I don't, no I don't. Look,
you've got Coventry Street.

Grandad's got the Waterworks and all that.

Ah, yeah, Park Lane, with one hotel, two
thousand please.

Two - hold on. According to
this it only fifteen hundred!

Yes, I know, but I've put you
in the penthouse suite haven't I?

I don't want the penthouse
suite do I!

There you go, fifteen hundred
- that's all you're getting!

He's like a big kid ain't he?

Yeah, well, I give up on him,
Grandad.

It's your go, Grandfather...

Ah, Piccadilly. Right that's mine and I've got
an hotel, so that's twelve hundred pounds!

Twelve hundred quid for a
hotel next to a smelly old waterworks?

What?

All them sewers. I'd rather sleep in the car
or look for a bed and breakfast.

No - no you don't understand.
Bless his little...Look, it's in the rules.

Twelve hundred pounds - it's
scandalous. I ain't a tourist you know.

Del, can you have a word with him?

Well, I think he's got a point,
Rodney.

I mean, I don't know what possessed you to build a
hotel next to the sewage farm in the first place.

I mean, let's face it, your gaff's never going
to get into the Michelin Guide is it?

But the point of the...

Stupid bloody game!

Oh that's charming that is
innit, eh?

- Just because you're losing.
- Oh shuddup.

You wanna learn to grow up a
bit my son.

I didn't wanna play this
stupid bloody game in the first place.

Yeah, alright. Grandad, I
think there's an hotel underneath your chair.

If there's any money down there it's
mine, alright.

There's the car...any more money down there?

Don't you speak to me Rodney,
I'm finished with yer.

Del, there is a man at the
window.

You what?

There is a man at the window.

He ain't got a bucket and a
shammy leather has he?

I'm being serious, Del. There
is somebody at the window!

Alright Roddy - alright. Relax,
just take it easy alright? I'll take a look.

There's no one out there,
Rodney, Look. There's no one out there.

He was there, Del, I swear to
you. My face was inches from that glass.

What did he look like?

Horrible. He had these evil
eyes and this grotesque evil face.

Maybe it was a reflection!

That was no reflection Del, I swear to God...
What d'yer mean 'a reflection'?

No, no, what I mean is that your imagination
sometimes play games with you, you know.

It tricks you into believing that you saw
something that isn't really there.

Del, I saw the rain running down his forehead,
I saw the blood vessels in the whites of his eyes.

I saw the hairs
coming out of his nostrils.

It might have been the shadows
in the trees, Rodney.

Is anyone there?

I think there's someone at the
door!

No, no, it's most probably
just the shadows.

Shadows? Well until they start
singing Summer Holiday we'll expect the worst.

Who's there?

Oh good evening. My name's Robson,
I'm chief of security at the institution.

Oh thank Gawd for that!

What the hell do you think
you're doing?

He's chief of security at the
hospital.

Says who?

Well he, just his minute...oh yeah!

He could be anyone couldn't
he? You get ready!

- Well?
- Well what?

- Is that him?
- Who?

The face at the window.

- I don't know, I didn't look!
- You wally!

You never said what you was
gonna do.

Is everything alright?

Yeah... I won't keep you a
minute Chief.

Now do it - do it gain and
this time take a good look.

- Alright.
- Alright ready.

Good evening.

- Well?
- No, it's not him.

- You sure?
- Yeah, I'm positive. That is definitely not him.

Alright.

Do come in, Chief.

Thank you. Appauling weather.

Yes, sorry about leaving you standing out there
but you can't be too sure can you - you know.

We thought you might
be a double-glazing salesman!

What? Oh yes.

Well, if you'd like to see
some identification

there's everything there from my
driving licence to my blood donor's card.

Oh no, no, that's alright, alright. Rodney, fix the Chief
a drink will you? So, you haven't caught him then yet?

Unfortunately no.
We've extended the search up to this area now.

We've the entire police forces of three counties
out looking for him. I was passing, saw a light.

What exactly are you gentlemen
doing here?

Oh, we're on a fishing trip.

I don't suppose you've seen
anything?

Well other than the face at
the window, nothing.

Face at the window?

Yeah, well, Rodney here
reckoned he saw a face at the window.

I don't know whether
to believe him or not.

Oh I saw him Del, I was only
sort of like three inches away from him.

Could you describe him for me?

Yeah, of course I could. He
was about 50.

He had this gaunt, hungry expression and
his eyes were like wild animal's.

- And hairs out of his nostrils!
- Yeah, and there was all that!

You're quite certain it wasn't
a reflection?

Look, it was not a reflection!

I'm sorry, but at times like
these people's imagination run amok.

Why, we've had 200 sightings this evening alone.
What was the colour of his hair?

- On his head!
- Oh, er, grey.

Sounds like my man. When
exactly did this happen?

Well just now. A minute or so
before you arrived.

So he must have seen me.

D'you reckon he's still out
there then?

Oh no, he'd be long gone by
now.

It's the uniform you see
- he's terrified of people in authority.

Well, after ten
years in an institution who wouldn't be?

Yeah, well, I feel sorry for
the poor little cock.

Chief, do you mind if I ask you
something?

What's that?

Well is it safe for me to go
to the khazi? I mean it's outside.

Oh you're perfectly safe.
He'll be a long way away by now.

Oh good! Right, that's alright
then.

Well go on then Del, there's
nothing to be frightened of now.

I know, you don't have to go
out here, do you?

You heard what the Chief said.
Go on, there's no need to worry.

Yeah, well, alright.

He's such a worrier.

You weren't frightened at all?

Me? Na. No 'cos you see, in the past
I have done work for the mentally disturbed.

He went out selling flags one
Saturday.

Well yeah, but, er, I can
actually sympathise with this guy's problems.

Sympathise? But he's a psycho.

Have you any idea what a
'psycho', as you so eloquently put it, is?

Course I have. He's a geezer
that dresses up in his mother's clothes.

Bloody hell's bells. Rodney, Grandad,
come out here quick, bring some rope.

Yeah, so then, right, I grabbed the axe out of his hand
and I cracked him good and hard on the jaw,

so obviously he went down right.

Then I tied him up good and tight
and we bundled him into the back of the van.

Good work lad. You say you
captured him single handed?

Yeah. Well, no, Del, my brother,
back at the cottage he helped a bit.

You're too modest, Rodney.

Well, there could be a medal
in this.

Well.

Right, get ready lads, this
one could be a handful.

Is this some kind of joke?

What d'you mean?

This is no escaped lunatic.

This is Tome Witton, the gamekeeper.

And you shouldn't have gagged him like that,
he suffers from asthma.

Now hold on a minute - the Chief of Security
from the Institution itself said it was him.

What Chief of Security?

What's his name? Robson. I mean, you can ask him
yourself, he's back at the cottage with Del.

Chief Robson is not at the
cottage - he's at the hospital.

The escaped man hit him on the head then stole
his uniform and his identity papers.

Well, I still reckon we should
have gone with 'em.

No. It was imperative that I
made out my report immediately.

And after all I needed you here with me,
you were the one who recaptured him.

Well, yeah, I suppose, yeah.

Hey, what do you say we have
a nice little drink to celebrate, eh?

The old weather's clearing up
nicely. Look at that, it's a full moon.

There you go, Chief...

Excuse me. Yes, hello. Hello
...Rodders, did you get there all right...

He's what??

You alright? The Chief's
just standing there, you know, examining his axe...

Yeah, alright then. You'll
hurry back won't you? Alright goodbye.

Just phoned up to tell us he
got here alright.

- Good. Do you like fish?
- What?

Do you like fish??

Oh yeah, yeah, little bit of
salt an' vinegar, they're lovely.

I only like living fish. Fish that swim in the rivers and
the seas. I don't like people that kill them.

No, no, no, don't like that
sort myself either.

But I saw fishing rods on your van.

No, no, no, they didn't belong
to me, they belong to my brother and Grandad.

I mean, I keep telling them. I beg
'em not to hurt the poor little fishies.

I mean, I only come down here for the
fresh air.

Do you like snooker?

- Snooker?
- Yes.

- Do you?
- Oh yes.

So do I. It's triffic innit?

- Shall we play a game?
- Of snooker?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, alright. I'll tell
you what.

I'll jut pop out to the shed
at the bottom of the garden

'cos I think I remember seeing
a snooker table in there.

No need, we'll use this one
here.

What you mean this one here,
you mean?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah okay.

Is that a police helicopter?

No, you're alight.

It's Barratts!!

Good. You can break.

Um, I tell you what, why don't
I put that somewhere safe?

Because you won't be able to hold yer cue
properly with that in your hand, will you?

No, I suppose you're right.

Yeah, course I am. You know it
makes sense.

Which cue would you like?

I'll have this one.

Good, this is my favourite.

Yeah, you can see it's a good
'un, can't you?

I'm not very good at snooker.
I always lose.

I've got a feeling you're
gonna win this one.

I hope not. I don't like winning. My father used to
force me to win at everything I did.

But people challenge winners. You become
vulnerable, you feel open to attack.

- Do you know the feeling?
- Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

But losers are anonymous. No
one wants to challenge a loser.

There's something comforting in defeat.
I really like losing.

Do you? Well, what do you say
we make this game a little more interesting?

Shall we
play for a tenner a frame?

Alright.

Got a feeling that this weekend
is not going to be a total loss after all.

- Sorry?
- Nothing.

Got the chalk? Thanks.

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