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Have you any idea how much money we've made recently?

Loads of bunce, Rodders, loads of bunce.

We've made nearly two thousand pounds in the last month!

Am I a genius or just a miracle worker?

We've sold over four hundred of those ladies electric razors.

I told you they'd sell, didn't I?

You'd never guess there was that much hair about, would you?

Oi, you chuck all those receipts and bills down the chute. I don't want no evidence left in the flat.

What's that dirty looking thing?

That is your Uncle, Rodney, please show a bit more respect!

Come on uncle, help yourself to a drink, we're celebrating.

Yeah, thanks, son. This is from my old days, Rodney.

All those years ago when I used to sail the seven seas.

What is it, treasure?

No, just a few old photos and letters from my days in the navy. It's nothing much - just me memories!

Don't worry. Rodney's chucking a whole load of gear down the chute in a minute, he'll get rid of it for you.

This is a history of my life!!

That's why I thought you'd wanna get rid of it!

Is that you?

Yeah. That's when I first joined the navy. Seventeen I was.

You ain't changed, Unc.

What d'you mean, he had a big white beard then?

No, I mean he's wearing the same clothes!

What's the matter with you two daft sods?

We're celebrating. We've had a blinding month.

What's this one? '1941. My birthday party on board HMS Peerless.' Cor, they look a bunch of toerags, Albert!

Yeah. That's me and some of me mates when we was serving out in the South China Sea.

They were brave lads, Del. Look at 'em, like steely-eyed young lions.

Yeah. You look more like Clarence the cross-eyed lion!

Well, I'd just been to a nightclub celebrating me birthday.

Who's this geezer with the G-string and the ruby in his belly-button?

That's one of the dancing girls from the nightclub.

We'd sneaked her back to 'show her round HMS Peerless!'

You dirty old goat!

The Captain used to call her a Submarine Hunter.

But she was nothing more than an old tug.

Yeah, she looks like a rough and ready girl.

I'm talking about HMS Peerless!

Oh sorry!

Just a few hours after that photo was taken we was in action.

I'm surprised it took you that long!

A Japanese sub was spotted in the area.

That's all you need, innit?

There was an American aircraft-carrier, lined off-shore.

The USS Pittsburgh. It was our job to protect her.

Well, we'donly been sailing for about an hour and we crashed right into her.

Cor, didn't half make a noise!

You went and whacked into the boat that you were going out to protect?

Yeah. It was a good job she was there actually, she picked up most of the survivors.

Was your ship badly damaged?

We couldn't tell, Rodney, it sunk. Course, they tried to put the blame on me.

Sounds fair.

Just 'cos I was on watch at the time. I had me excuses ready.

What, you were drunk?

Don't be silly! The American vessel was at battle stations and was showing no light.

You weren't allowed, there was a war on.

Course there was.

So then they tried to get me on naval technicalities, like it was in broad daylight.

You didn't see an aircraft carrier?

Forty-two thousand tons of steel!

In broad daylight!

Well, I wasn�t close enough!

You must have been reasonably close, Unc, you hit it!

They'd have stood more chance with Ray Charles in the crow's nest!

Well, I mean I wasn't up on deck. I was in the radar room watching the screen.

I couldn't make head nor tail of it. It was all blibs and blobs.

Still, the Japanese sub had it away a bit lively.

I suppose it didn't feel needed with you around. Did you get into trouble for it?

Court-martial. The papers were sent to naval headquarters, Singapore.

You were court-martialled?

No. As luck would have it, before my trial the Japanese invaded!

And I never heard another word about it. And the blokes in my lifeboat used to say I was unlucky!

That was a bit strong, trying to court-martial him.

He had just ruined a perfectly good aircraft-carrier.

Yeah I know, but it was his birthday!

Oh yeah, I forgot!

But not for long though!

This picture was taken in 1941 at his birthday, right? You seen the date?

That's in a couple of weeks time, innit?

You don't think the ancient mariner was trying to let us know so that we'd arrange a birthday treat, do you?

Wash your mouth out with soap and water, Rodney.

Your Uncle Albert is not a crafty person! He's as cunning as a lighthouse rat!

The sly old git! So, he wants a surprise for his birthday does he?

What you gonna do?

I don't know yet, but I'll think of something to pull him up a bit lively!

We could give him one of those electric razors!

Why does he keep doing it, eh?

Gawd knows. I suppose at some time in his life someone told him he could play the piano.

Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing!

He's a Trotter! What more can you say about the man?

A couple of years ago I went down the local library

and read some ancient manuscripts written by the Elders of Peckham.

Did you know, five hundred years ago this was a green and peaceful area?

The old Earl of Peckham had a castle where the Kwik-Fit exhaust centre now stands.

Flaxon-haired maidens used to dance round the village maypole of an evening.

And then one fateful medievil day, the Trotter clan arrived in a stolen Zephyr.

Before you knew it the flaxon-haired maidens were up the spout,

the old Earl had been sold some hooky armour and someone nicked the maypole!

A hundred years after that the Black Death arrived in England.

The people of Peckham thought their luck had changed.

'Ere, talk of changing luck, look at this!

- Alright Boycie? - Well, I was!

There you go Trigg, there's a scotch, mate.

How did you know I wanted a scotch?

'Cos if I was dressed like that, I'd want a scotch.

Er, is this something to do with a new religion?

I'm taking a lady out to lunch.

You sure?

Yeah, positive. I've booked us a table at that little Italian place opposite.

I thought I'd better try an' make an impression.

Well you'll certainly do that no worries Trigg

Thanks, Boycie.

Good morning, Michael. Same again for Boycie, a non-alcoholic lager-top for Rodney,

a Malibu and cherryade for moi.

Is it Comic Relief Day again? It only seems a little while ago.

No, it ain't Comic Relief Day.

I've got a date.

You wanna watch them stones, 'cos Del got one caught in his throat last Christmas.

No, Dave. I mean I've got a lunch date with a lady.

You sure?

Yeah! I've gotta meet her in a couple of minutes.

I just popped in for some Dutch courage.

Who is it? Anyone we know?

You don't know her. Come to that, I don't know her either.

How d'you mean?

These people arranged it for me.

'The Technomatch Friendship and Matrimonial Agency'!

You havent joined a computerised dating firm, have ya?

Yeah. They've just opened up down the High Street,

so I thought I'd have twenty-five quids worth, see what occurs.

So what's the bird look like?

I dunno, they don't show you pictures of each other.

That's a bit risky, innit?

Well, that's her problem!

They fed all my information into a computer

and it came out with a woman who was compatible with me.

That's what I like about this agency, you know where you stand with 'em - they insist on honesty.

So you told 'em you're a road sweeper?

- No, I told 'em I was a bus inspector. - Why?

To add a bit of glamour!

Oh yeah, good idea.

Right then, here goes. I'll see you later.

Well, rather him than me. He's walking straight into the unknown.

- It's a bit like that television programme, innit? - Yeah.

You know, Blind Date.

Oh, I thought you meant That's My Dog!

Marlene and Duke sit and watch that - soppy as sacks the two of 'em �

The dog gets more questions right than her.

Mike, can I have a word about Albert?

Well, there's a coincidence Del, I wanted to have a word with you about him as well.

He's not still singing here of an evening, is he?

Oh no, no, no, no. He�s doing matinees now! My pie sales have fallen!

I'll have a word with him, Mike. Look, listen, I wanted to ask a favour.

It's Albert's birthday in a couple of weeks' time and I wanted to throw a little party for him.

What, in here?

Well, yeah, yeah a few drinks, a bit of grub, and whatever.

I'll stick a hundred and fifty across the counter.

You can have the pub on one condition - he doesn't sing!

Fair enough, Mike.

He doesn't use no bad language in front of the ladies.

Righto, Mike.

- And he doesn't dance. - Gotcher, Mike.

- He tells no rude jokes. - Goes without saying, Michael.

- And he don't drink too much. - Perish the thought.

He just sits down quietly and soberly and enjoys himself.

He's gonna really look forward to this, Mike. Thanks very much indeed.

He makes up more rules than the common market that bloke!

Be honest, he's ruining this pub ain't he?

I honestly wouldn't know, Del Boy, I'm very rarely in here these days.

I spend most of my free time down at the lodge.

Oh of course, the lodge. What is it you've become, a Buffalo?

I am not a Buffalo!

I am a pukka mason, secret handshakes, initiation ceremonies, the works!

What d'you wanna join that bunch of dipsticks for?

It is a great honour to be chosen! It is not something you turn down lightly, Derek.

Oh no, it's changed my life. I'm involved in a lot of charity work these days.

I'm helping the local needy and underprivileged. It's got it's good side as well.

Us masons vow to help each other in business whenever humanly possible.

It sounds like a load of old snobs trying to clone another load of old snobs.

We're not snobs! Anyone can join.

We come from all walks of life, right across the social spectrum.

We've got estate agents, a judge, a commissioner of police, the mayor.

We've got all sorts!

Yeah, so's Bertie Bassett! That is not all walks of life, Boycie!

We got, a...er, we got... a... got a television director!

Yeah, what's he do? Film the secret handshakes in case you wallies forget?

I see you in a minute, I'm gonna have a chat with Mickey and Jevon.

I'm gonna pop down down the betting shop. I'll pick you up later, alright?

What is the matter with that boy? He's all social conscience!

He's one of life's carers, ain't he? He reminds me a bit of my mum, don't he you?

Yeah.

Standing in the corner of a pub with two geezers!

I don't believe it! That's a woman!

Wotchyer, Nerys.

Oooh! You made me jump!

It's only me. Can I get you a drink?

I've got one.

I was wondering maybe,

if you'd quite like to go out somewhere during the week.

- Where? - I don't know, anywhere.

Who with?

Well... me.

Yeah, alright then. But it'll have to be during the day cause I work in here most evenings.

Oh, I'll have to see if I can get a day off.

But you said you run the business.

Well, yeah, yeah I do. I do run the business but y'know

I don't like leaving Del in charge, cause he mucks me system up. I'll phone you on it.

Alright then. I'll see you in the week.

Rodney? How did you get on with Nerys?

Okay.

I'll bet you didn't get a date with her!

Save your money, Jevon my man. I'm taking her out next week.

How did you manage that?

I've been trying to date her for ages - and bear in mind who's talking here.

I've had to employ a secretary to handle all my dates!

Rodney has got something you haven't got, Jevon. It's a thing called Machismo!

I've told you before, Nerys goes for macho-men!

I have known Rodney a lot longer than you

and he can be a right hard nut when he wants to be!

Well!

Muscles and sweat. That is what Nerys goes for.

Yeah, but Rodney's no Master of the Universe.

But he has the aura of inner strength!

I'm wirey, see.

Nerys likes guys who live their lives a hundred miles an hour.

And they reckon when she's hot she is hot!

The only guy who could put her out is Red Adair and he's too expensive!

Yeah, well I think you should treat a chick with consideration.

And that's why you'll never get a date with Nerys.

She prefers a bunch of fives to a bunch of flowers.

But if my main man here plays his cards right... See you big guy!

Take care.

What's happening?

Rodney Trotter's just got himself a date.

And we've convinced him she likes really tough, macho-men!

Who's the bird then?

Nerys.

What, nervous Nerys?

Yes!

So can you tell me, what kind of person are you looking for?

Well... a bird?

Yes. But are there any particular requirements?

A local bird, I don't want too much of that driving lark.

So you're not looking for a special type of person?

Well, she's got to be a bit of a sort!

A bit of a sort?

Everything in the right place, you know. She must be a bit refined.

Must she?

Oh yes. I don't want you lumbering me with some old bow-wow

who don't know the difference between a Liebfraumilk and a can of Tizer!

Quite!

I'm a bit of a culture vulture meself you know.

Ah, a man of the arts.

Oh yes, you can't whack it.

And you can tell the lucky lady she is guaranteed a steak meal.

A steak meal?

Guaranteed! Do you wanna put that on your floppy disc, or what?

Yes, I'll make a note. A steak meal.

Now please don't feel pressurized by this next question.

We're not trying to force you into any decision or commitment.

The question is simply asked to protect our clients.

Fire away. I�ve got nothing to hide.

What exactly do you seek from this proposed introduction.

Is it simply friendship?

Yeah, that'll do for a start.

What I'm getting at is: do you see this leading to a more permanent relationship or even marriage?

Slow down John. You ain't even sorted me one out yet!

Just say friendship, that'll do for a start.

Yes, of course. Fine, well, let's see what surprises the computer has in store for you.

I'll just feed your information into our main computer. .

Ah, now there's a lady here who may suit.

Obviously a refined lady, she's on the board of governors of an arts fund committee.

Thirty-eight years old.

Knocking on a bit.

She's widowed.

Her late husband was a stock -broker.

No, I don't think you're right for each other.

Don't jump the gun. I'll give it a bash if she will.

No. She's a rather sensitive person.

Well, that's right up my street, innit?

Yes! But she' specified a non -smoker.

Well, you win some you lose some, don't ya?

This looks more promising.

A young lady, thirty years old, something of a career woman.

Go on.

She's an actress.

Yeah? Is she famous?

I wouldn't have thought so, would you?

No, I suppose not.

It might be a nice introduction seeing as you share a common interest.

What's that?

Well, the arts.

Yes, yes. Right. Perfect.

Where would we meet and how would we recognise each other -

assuming the young lady fancies it � what d'you say her name was?

Miss Turner. Raquel Turner.

D'you know that Raquel is my most favourite name?

How fortunate. In the present social climate we recommend

that the first meeting is during the day - a lunch appointment.

After that it's entirely up to the two clients.

A good meeting place is under the main clock at Waterloo station.

It's rather traditional and in its way quite romantic.

It evokes memories of Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson.

We suggest that the gentleman carries a bunch of flowers

as a point of recognition and as a gift for the lady.

Did they hit it off ?

Who?

Well, this Trevor and the Celia sort.

Yes!

Cushty. Right, well you get on the blower and give Raquel the old SP.

Oh, and tell her to be on her toes,

'cos the last girl I met at Waterloo station got mugged on the escalator.

Yes, I'll tell her. When, or indeed if, you and Miss Turner should meet,

we do emphasise the importance of complete honesty.

There is very little future in fabrication or deceit.

I agree. We've gotta be right up front with each other.

Now I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you for the twenty-five pounds membership fee.

I'm sorry I've forgotten, is there an E on the end of your name?

No, E. It's Duval. Derek Duval.

You going out?

No I'm gonna bleed the brakes on the van. Course I'm going out.

What is it special occasion?

Could be uncle, you never can tell.

I thought it might be one of your mates' birthdays or something?

No, no nothing like that. I'm taking a lady out to lunch.

When I was a lad, I had some smashing birthday parties.

But when you get to my age nobody bothers.

No, it's a bark innit, eh?

So who's the bird?

She's not a bird, she's an actress.

Yeah? Who?

Raquel Turner.

Name don't ring a bell. What's she been in?

Oooh loads of things. I can't remember 'em all of the top of me head.

What's she look like?

Em, it's difficult to describe her.

Well is she tall, short, fair, dark, fat, thin?

She's an actress, she keeps changing her appearance.

How you gonna recognise her then?

I'll recognise her! Don't keep going on about it.

If you've got anything for the launderette go and get it now.

Why, it's not your washing day today is it?

No, but Rodney's going out as well.

I don't wanna sit in this flat on me own.

How do you do Miss Turner. May I say how pleased I am to meet you.

I've admired your work for many years. May I call you Raquel?

Raquel is one of my most favourite names.

My old joie de vivre will knock her bandy. I'll add a quick livener I think.

Oh, you're still here then?

Yeah, just about. I thought you got a date with that Nerys bird.

I am.

Well, you better hurry up and get changed.

I am changed.

You're going out like that?

What's wrong with me?

Well, you look like an 'ooligan!

It is the fashion. Haven't you read about it? It's called the James Dean look.

Yes, but when they say the James Dean look, they mean before the crash.

I can't see you getting very far with young Nerys bird dressed like that.

Oi, you just keep it out? Let me lead my own life!

Maybe she goes for blokes who look like Barney Rubble.

- I thought you were going out? - I am going out.

Well, hurry up and change,

I'll take those clothes down the launderette for you.

I am wearing these clothes!!

Yeah? Where you taking her then, scrumping?

Del Boy's going out to lunch with a world famous actress!

Yeah? You got my socks and pants in there?

Yeah, I've got 'em, boy. I'll see you later.

So who is it then, Meryl Streep?

No. Raquel Turner.

- Are you kidding me? - No, straight up.

The Raquel Turner?

- Well yeah, have you heard of her? - No.

She been in anything?

Yes, load of things but nothing that you would have seen her in, Rodney.

What's that supposed to mean?

She has not been on Top of the Pops or repeats of Batman.

So where you taking her?

I am meeting her at Waterloo station

and I have booked a table for lunch at the Hilton Hotel in Park Lane.

You taking the van?

No, I am not taking the van!

Where would you meet an actress?

Em, a friend of mines in show business. Introduced us.

Wait a minute. The other day Albert took a call for you. It was some agency.

Oh yeah, was it?

Is your mate an agent?

Eh? Yeah, he's a show business agent. Yeah, that's it.

Bloody 'ell, Del. You wait till I tell the others! Hey, any chance of an autograph?

Yeah, no problem. I'll get you hers as well.

Del, you don't think you might be being a bit ostentatious?

Well maybe, but I can afford it.

Yeah but, I mean...

Well you know the Hilton and all that;

Don't you think you're being a teensy-weensy bit over the top?

Cause I mean, she's an actress and she's bound to be very cool and laid back.

Rodney, give me credit for having some savvy.

I do know that a woman like Raquel appreciates the subtle approach.

I have played the game before. I know what I'm doing.

Yeah, of course you do! Well best of luck.

Cheers bruv.

Open the door for us, Rodney, will you?

Is this a three-wheeled van?

Well, it was the last time I counted!

I've never been in a three-wheeled van before.

Well then you have never really lived!

It's a bit, what's the word? Smelly.

That is the odour of honest toil and sweat, Nerys.

- So, where'd you fancy going? - I don't mind.

- Just name your destination. - I don't care.

- So there's nowhere special? - No, anywhere.

Shall we take in a movie?

I don't fancy the pictures.

D'you fancy a hamburger?

No, I've just had me dinner.

Where'd you wanna go then?

I don't mind, anywhere.

Well, that's cool, Nerys. We'll just cruise.

What, in a three-wheeled van?

Yes! This will be an experience you will never forget, Nerys.

Oh shit!

You didn't wind your window down!

I know I didn't! Get out quick before it catches fire!

- Hello. - Hello, love.

Blimey! You're not Raquel, are you?

I can be anyone you want me to be, darling.

No, no, I mean you're not an actress, are you?

Well, I've played a few demanding roles in me time.

There's a very nice little hotel round the corner,

why don't we go and discuss it there?

No, that's alright, there's been a bit of a mistake. My fault entirely.

Oh you're one of those who just likes to 'talk' aren't you?

No, really. It was a genuine mistake.

I'm waiting for someone and I thought you...

I'm beginning to lose my rag with you, sweetheart.

I'm gonna count to ten then I'll shove these flowers right up your...

You realise that will be extra.

Oh hell - the filth! See you darling.

Swivel on that, camel-breath!

Weren't you frightened?

What, of them punks? Noooo way!

Hello.

Look, he nearly nicked one of your mates,

so I'd have it away on your toes if I was you.

Is it Derek?

Raquel?

- Yes. Hi. - Hello. I'm sorry about that.

No, I should appologise for being so late.

You know what these trains are like. Have you been waiting long?

Well, since about ten o' clock this morning, y'know.

No, no, it's a joke.

These are for you.

You shouldn't have gone to all this expense.

Mais oui, mais oui.

Well, I've booked a table at my favourite restaurant - if that is alright with you?

Oh yes, sounds lovely.

- Your carriage awaits. - Thank you.

This is a bit like Brief Encounter, isn't it?

You reckon?

That's my favourite film.

- And it's mine. - Really?

My favourite bit is when the big spaceship comes down

and the little Martians come out.

That's Close Encounters.

Yeah. I loved it.

I always thought you were such a quiet person..

They're the ones you've gotta watch, Nerys.

But just now you were so... well, tough.

I get by. I've lived in these streets too long to be frightened.

Those punks back there, they're used to people running scared from 'em.

They don't scare me. This is my jungle and I'm at the top of the tree.

Oh my... !

- What's wrong. Rodney? - Nothing!

Why are we going so fast?

I love speed!

You said we were gonna cruise!

Yeah, but I like to cruise quickly.

Sorry about that. I had to get a message to a friend.

Oh that's okay.

Well go on get stuck in, don't wait for me.

This is wonderful.

Well, you can't go wrong here.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, Raquel, but well I'm very surprised to find

that someone like you - attractive and talented � at a computer dating agency.

Well, I might say the same about you.

A successful person - managing director of his own import-export business.

Why did you go to them?

Dunno really.

I suppose I was grabbing at straws really.

I've been married before and that was a disaster, and I've had - you know �

relationships with men which have always ended unhappily. Maybe it's been the same for you?

No, blokes don't do a lot for me.

You know what I mean!

I found I used to take my relationships seriously -

used to plan and stupid things like that.

But they were just playing a game.

Anyway, when I saw the agency's advertisement I thought; why not?

At least I new I'd be meeting someone who wanted me to be there.

Was it the same for you?

Yeah, exactly.

I just thought y'know that you're being meeting lots of people �

on the film sets and that sort of thing.

Look, I've got to be honest with you.

The agency asked me what I did for a living, so I said I was an actress.

Well I suppose that's what I am. I'm a member of the union, at least.

I had one line in a Doctor Who about ten years ago. I was a lizard person.

I've done fringe theatre and that sort of thing,

but I never got the chance to 'make it'.

I gave it all up for nine years while I was married.

My husband was one of those old-fashioned types

who said there should only be one bread winner.

Yeah, my Dad was like that.

He used to get up at six every morning to make sure my Mum got to work.

No, straight up.

Anyway, recently I've tried to pick up my career - for what it was.

But I can't see me ever doing anything.

Au contraire Raquel. This time next year you'll be a star!

Oh come on.

She who dares wins. That is my motto.

No matter what has happened in our lives I've always said that to my kid brother,

'Rodney, this time next year we'll be millionaires!'

And look at you now.

Yeah! Look at me now.

The secret is if you want something bad enough,

you'll get it, as long as you don't stop believing!

This is nice... There's a lovely feeling of... I don't know - honesty.

Yeah... well... that's what it's all about, innit?

- Mr Duval. - Yes.

I'm terribly sorry to bother you, sir there's an important call from your New York office.

Oh, thank you very much, Charles.

I'm sorry about this.

Please, it's no problem.

Charles, would tou tell them I'm busy.

Of course, sir.

Please, don't do this for me.

No, no. I'm enjoying the company

and I'm not gonna have it spoilt by some soppy problem in New York.

These Yanks have gotta learn to make decisions for themselves.

To success.

Wotchya, Dave.

When the agency phoned and mentioned you I was really excited.

They said you were a man of the arts,

and it's not that often that you meet a man who's interested in the theatre.

Oh yeah, I love it.

Going into a theatre is so exhilarating. Just the 'feel' of the place.

Yeah, gets me going and all. You can't whack a good play, can you?

Did you see the RSC's production of Moliere's Le Misanthrope?

No, I was out.

Oh, you mean out of the country.

Yes. Away on business.

Oh you missed something wonderful!

I know, I was gutted. That's the sort of play you like, is it?

Not really. I like anything to do with entertainment.

When I was a kid my Mum used to send me up to tapdancing lessons.

I loved it. And when I was about seventeen another girl and me formed a pop-duo.

'Double Cream' we called ourselves - we were rotten!

But, that's what I mean, I like anything - pop music to heavy drama.

I don't know about you, but I just love the works of Shaw.

Oh yeah!

'Like a puppet on a string'.

You! You're just putting me on!

No, no I really do like it!

Oh thank you, Charles.

Thank you. I've really enjoyed this afternoon.

Ah so have I. Em... d'you fancy going out Saturday night?

Saturday? No, I can't make Saturday.

Oh that's alright. No y'know just thought I'd ask.

Let me explain. I'm always busy on Friday and Saturday nights at drama class.

- Oh, drama class? - I teach.

Oh right. Well how about Monday night?

I'd love to.

Good. Where shall I meet you?

Why don't you come round the flat?

And you don't have to worry about letting me into your flat, I'm not a pervo or anything like that.

I figured that one out!

I feel terrible, I've kept you away from your business.

That's alright. My brother handles things when I'm not there.

Well get his number! I don't believe it!

They only gave me this yesterday!

- Did you get it? - No, he was going too fast.

But there can't be too many yellow three-wheeled vans round here.

That's right! I'll get him! You see if I don't!

You... I... I... Don't ever do that again!

What's wrong, Nerys? Nerys?

D'you want another brandy?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Please, sit down.

Oh right, 'ere listen...

You didn't have to go and cook a meal and what'avyer.

I said I was gonna take you out for dinner.

And I said, it's my way of saying thank you for the other lunchtime.

Oh, well it was really lovely, thank you.

D'you think your car'll be alright out there?

We get a lot of vandalism round here.

That's why I didn't bring the car.

I mean you leave a Ferrari out there and see what you come back to.

Oh good.

I say, these flowers are lasting well, ain't they?

I'm not throwing them away. They're my memories of a lovely day.

D'you want a coffee?

Yes please.

I like you.

I like you.

Oh good... Erm.

Look at the state of this wall!

Yeah, it's 'orrible innit? Yeah, listen I wanted to ask you something.

Del. Wait a while, eh? See how we feel in...

No, it's not that! Cor blimey!

No, no it's just that I had this idea that might help you.

I thought I'd better talk to you about it. You see, I got a friend who is a mason.

Oh I don't need a mason, a plasterer can do that.

I don't mean a stone-mason, I mean a masonic mason.

Come in here, let me talk to you about it.

You're a talented actress, right?

Says who?

Says me. I can tell these things.

But life has never given you a decent break, and it doesn't matter how clever you are,

you can never prove yourself until someone gives you that break. Right??

Right, well.My friend's fellow mason is a television director, right?

So if I become a mason I can get him to give you that break. Put you in a show.

But why would he do that? He doesn't even know me.

He doesn't have to. You see the masons have to do favours for each other.

He couldn't refuse to help me.

But what favour would you do him?

Well I don't know. I'll drop him a monkey or something,

look don't worry, he'll be as sweet as a nut.

You'd actually join the masons just to help me?

Well, I mean it's not a sweat is it? It's only the masons, it's not like the moonies.

They chuck a good dinner 'n' dance an' all you know.

But I'd be cheating, wouldn't I?

No, of course you won't be cheating! I'll do that for you.

No, I mean I'd be using inside influence to further my career.

Well, it's the name of the game, innit? It's who you know.

You can't hang about for another three years waiting to be discovered!

You've gotta get in now before you're past your sell-by date.

Oh thanks!

You know what I mean. This is your first opportunity - it could be your last.

You're gotta now get in while the going's good. She Who Dares Wins!

Well I... I'll leave it up to you, Del. Whatever you think is best.

Alright. You do the coffee and I'll do the bizzo.

D'you think it'll work?

Yeah, course it will. It'll be a piece of cake.

They've been begging me to join their lodge for years, but I always give 'em a blank.

Get out of there, Duke. Get out! Daddy will be cross!

Marlene! That dog is in my aquarium again!

I've told him to get out but he don't take any notice!

He'll take some bloody notice when I put piranha in there!

You're the master of the house, you get him out!

Hello, this is Boyce house.

Hello, Marlene? It's Del Boy, how are you sweetheart?

Oh hello, Del. How's tricks?

Never been better. Is the old man about?

Yeah, unfortunately. I'll get him for you.

Oh Del, when you've finished don't put the receiver down,

I want to have a word with you about Albert's birthday.

Oh Gawd, it's this Friday, innit?

Raquel, we've got a bit of a celebration going on this Friday, d'you fancy it?

Not Friday. I'm at drama class.

Oh yeah. Couldn't you knock it on the head, for this week?

I'd like you to meet the family.

Honest I can't, we're in the final rehearsal.

Anyway, I'm no good at meeting families, I always say something stupid.

You haven't met my family.

Hello.

Hello Boycie - Del Boy. Yeah listen, I want you to do me a very big favour.

I want you to recommend me for membership to your masonic lodge.

What's the matter Del, has someone slipped some angeldust in your pina colada?

Only the most respected members of our society can join my lodge.

You said they take anyone!

Yes, well, it wouldn't stretch to you. You'd be black-balled at the first go.

Leave it out Boycie, it'll be a doddle. My best friend's a member.

- Who? - You!

Oh no! No Del! I couldn't possibly consider proposing someone like you.

I'd be be a very good mason. You know, I can prove it.

Masons are supposed to do each other favours, right?

Well you do me the favour of proposing me and I'll do one for you.

And what might that be?

I won't tell Marlene about that little bird in Sheffield.

- You wouldn�t! - Try me!

No, you may be many things, but you're not a grass.

I don't think we have anything else to say to each other. Bye for now.

Don't put that phone down, I wanna talk to him about Albert's birthday.

Del, what d'you think he'd like for a present?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I do know that he does like a bit of fishing

and he was talking about getting himself a proper angler's knife.

But it must be made of Sheffield steel.

- Sheffield? - Giss that phone!

Yes Boycie! Thank you, Boycie! Thank you. Bye!

Look at that daft old twonk!

Be thankful for small mercies. The Queen has two birthdays a year!

That's true!

Del! You promised me mate!

What can I do Michael, you've given him too much to drink, haven't you?

He's started to slur his words. He's almost offended some of the ladies.

How d'you mean?

Well, he wanted a rum and black, he ordered a bum and rack!

Yeah, well cross your fingers he don't fancy a Bucks Fizz, Michael!

So come on tell us, what happened down at Boycie's masonic lodge last night?

Oh yeah, I had to meet a few of the committee members -

try and make an impression, you know.

Yeah, so are you a mason now?

Not yet, the committee are discussing me this evening.

But as Boycie said, there's always the chance that I could be black-balled.

What's that, part of the initiation ceremony?

No, no. You see, each committee member has one white ball and one black ball.

And to vote they have to put one of the balls in the bag.

Snooker balls?

- Yeah. - Gotchyer.

And if, when they empty the bag, all the balls are white - you're in.

But if there is one black ball - just one - you're out.

And you're doing all of this for Raquel?

Yep. Yeah she's worth it.

I can't wait to meet her. Is she coming tonight?

No, she's rehearsing.

Yeah, what in?

A rehearsal room I suppose.

No, I mean what play?

I don't know, something deep and meaningful.

One of them Russian jobs most probably.

What, the one's we don't watch on BBC2? Chekov, that sort of stuff?

No, no those are the ones I never used to watch.

That was because in them days I wasn't esoteric.

No?

No. But Raquel has taught me what's what.

I mean you stick me in front of a telly with a Singapore sling,

an 'am sandwich and a bit of Chekov and I'm as happy as a sand-boy!

She's good news, Rodney! She's lovely, she's beautiful, she's talented.

She got a good pair of lungs on her and all.

I mean she's got a good singing voice!

A craft between Kiri Tikwinana with a little touch of Whitney Houston.

Lovely, just what the doctor ordered!

Oi, Boycie. Boycie over here, over here. Sit yourself down Boycie.

Have the committee come to a decision yet?

Yes Derek, and it's bad news, well bad news for you at least.

You were black-balled.

Oh no, someone put a black ball in the bag? Who?

When they emptied the bag there was more than one black ball.

How many?

Well, let's put this way.

Have you ever seen the bottom of a rabbit's hutch? Sorry, Derek, I did my best.

What am I gonna tell Raquel now?

Oh look, if she's as talented as you say she is,

she don't need you bribing some television director.

Her talent will win through.

You're right, Rodney. She's gonna be a star one day 'cos she's got talent.

All together now!

Which is more than you can say for that soppy old git!

�I put me finger in the woodpecker's hole and the woodpecker said

"God bless my soul, take it out, take it out, wiggle it about remove it"'.

Albert! That is enough!

Del, can't you chuck him in the back of the van and drive him home?

What, with that engine, you must be joking.

It needed a walking frame to get down here tonight.

Well, it was going alright the other day.

Oh yeah, when was that?

I saw Dave driving it. Some of his mates were following him.

Oh yeah?

Well, yes and the engine was well lumpy then, Del.

Yeah, but it was going a fair old lick though, weren't it?

Yes, well yes, but it was making a terrible noise.

'Ere, hang on, what's all this about?

All together now, Oohhh!

Albert Trotter?

Aye, sir.

Able Seaman Albert Trotter, late of Her Magesty's ship Peerless?

Aye, sir.

I'm placing you under arrest.

They're only nicking him, look!

What's goin' on?

You will be taken to the naval stockade, Portsmouth, where you will await court martial.

Yeah, but why?

Dereliction of duty. November 19th 1941. While serving the Royal Pacific fleet.

You did wantonly abandon your watch duties.

Thus causing the sinking of HMS Peerless and causing considerable damage

to the American vessel USS Pittsburgh.

But...but...that was nearly 50 years ago!

The original papers have only just been discovered in the vaults of Admiralty Headquarters, Singapore.

I couldn't understand the radar, it's was all blibs and blobs.

Read the charges, petty officer.

Aye, aye, sir.

Able Seaman Albert Trotter.

You are hereby ordered by her Majesty the Queen,

by the high Lords of the Admiralty and by all your friends and relatives

to have a very happy birthday.

I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China, all to myself alone.

Is this your birthday surprise?

Yeah. I saw the strippergram in the local paper.

I've done him up like a kipper. Look at the old sod's face.

You wait! I'll get you back for this, you toerag!

Is this the 'actress' you've been telling us about Del?

That's your Raquel?

Alright?

Oddly enough... I am not alright.

Look, Del. Don't get out your pram over it.

Don't get out my pram? Don't get out my pram!

She just humiliated me in front of my friends!

But you booked her.

I did not book her. I booked a strippergram.

I did not know it was her because I did not know she did that for a living!

I thought she was an actress.

That is what she said she was.

Instead, she goes round pubs dressed in stockings and suspender belts

flashing her thru'penny bits at blokes!

I shouldn't worry about it, Del.

I don't think very many people noticed.

Anyway, what about a few years ago, when you used to go out with that bird Monique.

Now she used to go around in public wearing next to nothing on.

She was a life-guard!

Yeah, alright.

Del! Wait a minute.

I wouldn't talk to him yet, love.

Just leave him, he'll calm down in a ... year or so.

You lied to me!

No I didn't! I never told you I wasn't a stripper!

And anyway, that's the pot calling the kettle black.

I've just found out your name is Trotter.

You told me you were called Derek Duval!

Derek Duval!

And you didn't tell me you were a market trader!

And I suppose this is the Ferrari?

Alright, so I might occasionally tell the odd porkie or two,

but I tell you something I don't do,

I don't go round pubs dressed in stocking and suspenders

flashing me boobs at geezers! Do I, Rodney?

No, he's never done anything like that.

Thank you.

Oh Del, please listen to me.

I just do this a couple of evenings a week to pay for my drama lessons!

I mean, where did you think I found the money to live on?

I don't know... I thought you were on the old rock 'n' roll, or something.

No, I'm not on the dole,. I pay for my own way in this world!

I'm sorry you don't like what I do for a living.

This may come as a surprise to you but I don't bloody like it either!

Anyway, you said you wanted me to meet your family.

Yes, but I meant with your bloody clothes on! I got black balled for you!

I'm sorry! But before you start moralising too much,

just remember one thing, you booked me for this evening.

But I didn't know it would be you!

Oh, so it would have been alright for you and your mates to leer and lust over a stranger.

Yes... No ... Oh I don't know!

Look, this is probably a daft question, but, do you want to see me anymore?

Yes, of course I want to see you again, sweetheart.

But next time I'll pay at the door like all the other punters.

There was no need to say that to her, Del.

I know there wasn't, now I wish I hadn't.

Like most things in my life, it's too bloody late.

I fancied a bit of a walk, anyway.

- Is that true? - Is what true?

All these rumours I've been hearing about you falling in love with some stripper.

Oh leave it out, Sid. I wasn't in love with her,

I was, knocking about with her, you know what I mean?

That's what I thought. I told 'em, Del Boy wouldn't get serious over some tart.

Of course. What do you think I am - some sort of wally?

Cup of tea please, Sid. Alright? Oh what's up with you now?

Is it the 175 quid repair bill for the van?

Is it her? Raquel?

I've never known anyone called Raquel.

No, right.

You coming down the Coach and Horse tonight, they've got a strip... comedian on.

No, I don't think so. I'll stay in and watch a bit of telly.

There's one of them Chekov plays on BBC2... load of old cobblers.

Raquel, what a lovely surprise! Look who's here, Del.

Have you got time for a cup of tea?

I don't know.

Have I got time for a cup of tea?

Well, it's a free country.

There you are see, I told you he'd mellow after a bit.

Well, I've gotta go somewhere to... somewhere. Here, have my tea.

Oh hello, Mrs Sansom.

What did you do to my Nerys?

She come in shaking like a leaf! White as a sheet she was!

No, it wasn't me, Mrs Sansom, it was some yobs.

What sort of week have you had?

- Blinding! You? - Rotten!

It's a tough old world, innit??

Tougher than I ever imagined...

I've, em, I've resigned from the strippergram agency.

Oh good.

I've signed on the dole.

It's a step up the ladder innit? Why didn't you tell me what you did for a living?

Why did you let me find out like that?

You don't think I wanted you to find out in that way, do you?

That night I took a job to give birthday greetings to someone called Albert Trotter.

It had been paid for by someone called Derek Trotter.

Now if I had known your real name I would have realised it was you and not taken the job!

You still didn't tell me what you did for a living.

I was hoping there'd be no need to.

After I met you and I realised we were becoming close,

I'd planned to pack the whole strippergram business in.

Then you'd have been none the wiser. It didn't work out that way.

I thought I knew you! I knew nothing. You were all disguises and secrets!

I'm sorry... I'm going on a tour.

Yeah? I bet it's a mystery one.

No, it's no mystery. An agent called me a couple of days ago.

It could be helpful to my career.

Cushty...

You won't have to worry about bumping into me. It's a tour of the Middle East.

The Middle East?

I didn't know they went in for all that Uncle Vanya and Run for your Wife, stuff.

No, it's not a play. It's a revue, dancing, that sort of thing.

Oh use your noddle, Raquel!

You read about that sort of thing in the Sunday papers.

You'll end up as a hostess in some topless dive in the Kasbah!

No, it's an official tour, all above board.

You could be kidnapped and end up in a harlem!

Don't be silly.

Oh, alright then. If that's what you want.

It's not what I want. It's the next best thing...

It's a shame the two of us couldn't have been more honest with each other.

I was straight with you...

alright, alright, so I called myself Duval.

That's nothing, is it? Just a joke. I didn't tell you any other lies!

What's he want?

Maybe it's another call from your New York office.

- Del, I just wanna say thanks. - What for?

For a lot of things.

For being the only man I've met who wanted me to keep my clothes on!

For getting yourself black-balled for me

and for giving me back some self-esteem.

I used to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think,

'Oh, you again!' But after I met you I used to wake up and think,

'Great, another day, you're gonna be somebody!'...

'This time next year I'll be famous.' Thanks for that.

Raquel... would you like a piece of my fried bread?

Thanks.

When are you leaving?

Tomorrow afternoon. Gotta cab coming at twelve.

It's taking me to Waterloo station. That's ironic isn't it?

It doesn't have to be the end. We could still go on seeing each other.

Yeah, I'll pop over to Addis Ababa and catch the show.

I mean, I don't have to go.

You said you'd already agreed to it.

If I'm no there, I'm not there. They'll have to find a replacement.

That shouldn't be that difficult, thousands of girls are begging for a chance like this.

I don't know what to say sweetheart. It's taken me a bit by surprise.

I've done all my thinking and I know what I want.

If you want me to stay, then I will.

And I'm not talking about any heavy commitment

like marriage or even living together.

We could just - be there for each other. Think about it, won't you?

Yeah, of course I will.

If you like the idea just be at my flat tomorrow. If not, I'll understand.

Yeah, just need a bit of time, that's all.

Okay. Thanks for the fried bread. I'll see you...maybe?

You gotta be honest, Rodney, it was funny at the time.

Del didn't seem to think so.

No, well, he wouldn't, would he?

Del's been taking it all very well as it happens.

Yeah, we'll have to take your word for that Rodney. 'Cos he ain't been in here since.

Yeah, well he had a bit of thinking to do last night.

He's got a sort of decision to make.

What's that? Whether to pay the bill from the strippergram agency?

Right, you're getting bang out of order here.

Morning all!

Same again for Rodney, a Singapore sling for me

and a small rum for Elton John over there. And take one for yourself, Michael.

Cheers, Del.

So, what are you doing?

I've been thinking about her all night, last night, Rodney.

She's had a tough old life, you know. Her old man was a right roughouse.

All the other blokes that she's known before that were no better.

You know she's had nothing but bad luck. Then she met me.

Bloody 'ell. Life's a bitch, innit?

That is when her luck changed, Rodney!

Oh well yeah, yeah, that's what I meant.

I've always been bad luck to women.

No you ain't.

No I have, I have. Thanks Mike.

I was thinking back last night, to all the birds that I've known,

I brought them all nothing but bad luck. I'm a bit like that Little Joe.

- Little Joe? - In Bonanza - Little Joe.

You ain't Del, you're nothing like him.

I don't mean in looks, I mean he's an ugly git.

What I mean is, whenever you watch an episode of Bonanza,

and Little Joe falls in love with a woman, you know she is gonna die!

As soon as he starts stronning it with a sort you can guarantee it

that she's either gonna catch the fever, get trampled underfoot in a stampede

or the Indians are gonna have her!

That's not gonna happen to Raquel.

No, I know it won't! I thought about it last night.

I thought to myself: 'Whatever happens, Raquel is not gonna end up full of arrows.'

I've given myself a couple of swift liveners then I'm going round to her flat.

Yeah, well done, Del. Stuff what the others think, eh?

That's right bruv, that's right. Thank you Rodney, you stuck by me, you are a diamond.

Oh get off, will you?

No, you are and I'll never forget that! You did laugh at the time though.

I didn't know who it was! So this is all serious stuff then is it?

Well, no. We're not talking about marriage or even talking about living together.

We're just gonna be there for each other. Cheers, Rodney.

- All the best Del. - Cheers.

You can imagine how I felt, can't you? I felt like a right dipstick.

Listen, Del, I know we had a laugh at you, but no offence was meant, mate.

I know that, Mike. It's all forgotten about now.

I thought Albert took it well. Although he did threaten to get even with you.

Oh yeah, well, Del ain't eaten a thing Albert's cooked ever since.

'Ere, talking about Albert, take that rum over for him, will you Rodney?

What's the time? Caw look at the time, I'm supposed to be round Raquel's by noon!

Give her my love Del. Tell her to pop in for a drink one night.

Yeah, I will Mike, cheers.

There you go Albert.

So has he reached a decision?

Yeah, he's going round to her flat in a minute.

Good. She wouldn't have been happy touring round the Middle East.

I never liked it over there. Did I tell you about that time I was in Cairo?

Yes, you must have, Albert, you must have!

- Oh God! - What's up, Rodney?

I gotta go, right, I gotta go!

Blimey, you wanna clean your pipes out a bit, Mike. It's gone right through him.

Listen, I have to be off. I'll see ya.

- Is your name Trotter? - Yes, that's my name, that's me.

Is that your yellow van out there?

What, the one with Trotter written on the side? Yes that's mine.

Well, a couple of weeks ago a yellow three-wheeled van, very similar to yours,

shot the lights between Lewisham Hill and Woodford Lane.

We're in the process of questioning the owners of all such vehicles.

Oh well, look no further officers. It was me, it's a fair cop, I done it!

You disappoint me, Uncle.

Mr Trotter. Either you're not taking this very seriously

or you don't understand the full implications of your last statement.

Look, I'm a bit pushed for time so, can we get on with it?

What d'you mean?

You know what I mean, come on, hurry up!

Come on, get 'em off!

I would have thought you would have come up with something a bit more original than that, Uncle.

It's got nothing to do with me, son!

If it hasn't anything to do with you...

- Oh my God! - Knick him!

Please! I've got to meet someone at noon.

And you're gonna meet someone at noon � our desk sergeant - a very nice man,

I'm sure you'll get on like a house on fire!

Look, can you take me round to Harrington Road, I've gotta meet someone. It's left here.

Oh, thanks very much. Pal!

I know you don't believe me, but can I at least use your phone?

You're allowed one phone call.

- Thanks. What's the time? - Twenty to one.

T'riffic! You don't know the code for Addis Abeba do you?

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