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1
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# They say I might as well face the truth
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00:00:06,534 --> 00:00:09,367
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
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# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,534 --> 00:00:16,412
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,934 --> 00:00:20,847
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
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# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
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# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
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# One foot in the grave #
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(WATER RUNNING)
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(DOORBELL RINGING)
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HILTON: Oh, God almighty!
12
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One of Jehovah's witnesses?
13
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Don't they ever leave people alone?
14
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Descending on your house every week
like a plague of boils
15
00:00:58,174 --> 00:01:00,290
Hilton, what are you doing?
16
00:01:00,614 --> 00:01:02,286
What does it look as though I'm doing?
17
00:01:02,454 --> 00:01:03,887
Castrating an elephant?
18
00:01:05,454 --> 00:01:08,526
They know someone's in Our car is outside
19
00:01:13,894 --> 00:01:17,682
MAN: Good morning Oh, no,
you were in the bath Oh, I do beg your pardon
20
00:01:17,774 --> 00:01:19,969
HILTON: Yes Just getting ready
to go out, I'm afraid
21
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Otherwise I'd love to stay and chat,
but nice to have met you anyway Bye
22
00:01:26,334 --> 00:01:30,009
What do they always got to be
so bloody cheerful for, is what I'd like to know
23
00:01:30,094 --> 00:01:31,573
Yes, well
24
00:01:31,694 --> 00:01:34,845
Not everyone in life's a congenital misery-guts
25
00:01:35,054 --> 00:01:37,568
It wouldn't hurt you to lighten up
once in a blue moon
26
00:01:37,654 --> 00:01:40,487
See the world
in a more optimistic light for a change
27
00:01:40,574 --> 00:01:44,203
HILTON: Oh, yes After that hideous
performance last night, you mean?
28
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Coming home from the fish shop
to find a severed finger in my bag of chips?
29
00:01:48,974 --> 00:01:50,566
It's us, Ruthie
30
00:01:50,654 --> 00:01:55,170
In case you hadn't noticed, we've been cursed
with bad luck since the day we were born
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00:01:56,094 --> 00:01:57,652
I'd noticed
32
00:01:58,494 --> 00:02:01,133
Okay How can I put this, folks?
33
00:02:01,214 --> 00:02:05,048
It's a little bit Brian Rix, wouldn't you say?
34
00:02:05,134 --> 00:02:08,331
And let's be honest
Any broader, you'd be performing in a circus ring
35
00:02:08,414 --> 00:02:09,847
Specifically?
36
00:02:09,934 --> 00:02:11,765
Specifically, you're looking at a plot here
37
00:02:11,854 --> 00:02:15,164
no audience in the West End
is ever going to buy into
38
00:02:15,254 --> 00:02:18,485
I mean, finding someone's finger
in a bag of chips?
39
00:02:19,094 --> 00:02:23,212
Then you've got the scene where he hilariously
ends up in the bath with that old lady
40
00:02:23,614 --> 00:02:27,368
Listen, the biggest problem of all
is your central character
41
00:02:27,454 --> 00:02:31,413
People want someone with warmth
Someone they can relate to
42
00:02:31,774 --> 00:02:34,572
I don't know what planet this guy is off,
but it's certainly not Earth
43
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:36,531
Well, you say that, but here's the thing
44
00:02:36,694 --> 00:02:39,811
I've actually met this man in real life,
and I'm telling you,
45
00:02:39,894 --> 00:02:41,725
everything you've just seen happened
46
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There is no way I could invent this kind of stuff
47
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:48,805
At least stay and see how it plays tonight
You can't always judge till the audience are in
48
00:02:53,974 --> 00:02:54,963
(WATER RUNNING)
49
00:03:00,174 --> 00:03:01,289
(SAWING)
50
00:03:04,974 --> 00:03:06,168
(DOOR CLOSING)
51
00:03:08,854 --> 00:03:11,926
Another hubcap in the marigolds
52
00:03:12,254 --> 00:03:14,210
I don't know why I bother sometimes
53
00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:18,651
After three hours lugging all that other stuff
up to the tip this afternoon
54
00:03:19,534 --> 00:03:20,887
What's this?
55
00:03:21,054 --> 00:03:23,852
Oh, they tried to deliver a parcel
this morning, apparently
56
00:03:24,014 --> 00:03:27,370
I don't know what that'll be
We're not expecting anything
57
00:03:27,694 --> 00:03:31,482
Oh, these are nearly cold
58
00:03:31,614 --> 00:03:33,366
Which chippy did you go to?
59
00:03:33,454 --> 00:03:37,003
Not that one with the mad Italians, I hope,
that are always arguing with each other
60
00:03:37,094 --> 00:03:39,369
They do a nice piece of gurnet
61
00:03:40,934 --> 00:03:45,769
There were some real fun and games there
last night, if you believe everything you hear
62
00:03:45,854 --> 00:03:48,607
That chap who runs the place, Enrico,
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00:03:48,694 --> 00:03:53,449
apparently was caught by his wife
at it with her best friend
64
00:03:53,694 --> 00:03:54,922
What? You mean
65
00:03:55,014 --> 00:03:57,608
In the shop
Behind the counter with the lights out
66
00:03:57,694 --> 00:04:02,688
Putting on what he thought was a contraceptive
turned out to be a sachet of mustard
67
00:04:04,334 --> 00:04:09,044
His wife heard the screams, ran downstairs
and tried to batter them both to death
68
00:04:09,614 --> 00:04:14,244
Of course, the batter was cold, so she went
completely doolally with the meat cleaver
69
00:04:14,814 --> 00:04:16,452
Good grief!
70
00:04:16,574 --> 00:04:19,213
-Did she do any damage?
-That we don't know
71
00:04:19,294 --> 00:04:22,650
The way people were gabbing away there
1 9 to the dozen tonight
72
00:04:22,894 --> 00:04:25,806
I did hear the words ''hacked off''
73
00:04:26,494 --> 00:04:28,450
I should think she was, poor woman
74
00:04:29,934 --> 00:04:32,448
Oh, these will be fine when they're warmed up
75
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,087
Mrs Warboys,
76
00:04:41,174 --> 00:04:44,484
hope that's not my favourite clothes prop
you're cutting up
77
00:04:44,574 --> 00:04:46,371
What? Oh
78
00:04:46,814 --> 00:04:51,524
Margaret said I could take it back for firewood,
as you don't use it any more
79
00:05:25,734 --> 00:05:30,524
By the way, I've run a bath for you
if you want to freshen up before we eat!
80
00:05:30,734 --> 00:05:33,487
Oh, yes, that'll be just the ticket
81
00:05:54,694 --> 00:05:56,924
MAN ON TV: Having selected a mature female,
82
00:05:57,014 --> 00:06:00,051
the male now waitsuntil she is settled in the water.
83
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And then proceeds to attach his jelly-likeprotuberances to her body.
84
00:06:24,454 --> 00:06:26,410
(SCREAMING)
85
00:07:01,014 --> 00:07:04,802
Well, I haven't got eyes in the back of my head,
have I?
86
00:07:05,894 --> 00:07:08,408
That much is evident
87
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:12,729
I should think she'll be afraid
to go to sleep in the bath ever again
88
00:07:13,214 --> 00:07:16,092
for fear of what might suddenly land on her face!
89
00:07:16,374 --> 00:07:21,004
I mean, I cannot believe that someone
would just plonk themselves down
90
00:07:21,094 --> 00:07:23,289
All right, all right, Margaret All right
91
00:07:24,094 --> 00:07:27,404
It's bad enough it happened
Can we just drop it, please?
92
00:07:29,054 --> 00:07:34,128
The worst of it was banging my jaw on that tap
93
00:07:35,094 --> 00:07:37,483
I think one of my crowns has come loose
94
00:07:39,134 --> 00:07:41,853
Not sure I can manage this meat pie now
95
00:07:42,214 --> 00:07:44,170
Just try eating the chips
96
00:07:45,134 --> 00:07:46,533
Yes
97
00:07:46,614 --> 00:07:50,050
Yes, I might be able to manage
98
00:07:57,174 --> 00:07:58,607
What is it?
99
00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:03,133
What?
100
00:08:05,494 --> 00:08:06,768
Is that a
101
00:08:08,134 --> 00:08:09,852
Someone's finger
102
00:08:11,214 --> 00:08:12,567
Oh, God
103
00:08:12,974 --> 00:08:15,283
Tell me it's not Surely
104
00:08:19,014 --> 00:08:20,686
It's been deep fried
105
00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:26,764
I think I need some fresh air
106
00:08:30,934 --> 00:08:32,526
What are you doing?
107
00:08:32,614 --> 00:08:34,332
Looking to see if there are any more
108
00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:37,884
For crying out loud! Isn't one enough?
109
00:08:38,334 --> 00:08:39,926
-Go and get a flask
-A what?
110
00:08:40,014 --> 00:08:41,732
A thermos flask and fill it with ice
111
00:08:41,814 --> 00:08:46,365
If we get it up to the hospital quickly,
they might be able to do something with it
112
00:08:47,574 --> 00:08:49,132
Like what?
113
00:08:50,454 --> 00:08:56,006
Pick their ruddy noses! How would I know?
Just get the thing out of this house
114
00:09:01,334 --> 00:09:03,325
OhGod
115
00:09:04,654 --> 00:09:06,246
What a day
116
00:09:07,134 --> 00:09:09,773
Talk about one thing after another
117
00:09:11,094 --> 00:09:14,882
Did you remember to rinse that flask out
when you got back from the hospital?
118
00:09:14,974 --> 00:09:16,453
Yes
119
00:09:17,294 --> 00:09:19,205
Suppose it would have been a miracle
if they had managed
120
00:09:19,294 --> 00:09:23,003
to sew that thing back on after all that
121
00:09:24,014 --> 00:09:28,212
The things people get up to
Oh, you wouldn't credit it
122
00:09:33,134 --> 00:09:35,887
What are you doing all that for
at this time of night?
123
00:09:35,974 --> 00:09:39,330
I suddenly remembered it's tomorrow
that cleaning woman's coming
124
00:09:39,774 --> 00:09:43,210
I don't want her to find the place
looking like a pigsty
125
00:09:45,734 --> 00:09:50,171
But the whole point about getting a cleaner
was to give you a rest
126
00:09:50,254 --> 00:09:52,609
You know you can't go at it the way you used to
127
00:09:52,694 --> 00:09:57,210
Yes Well, there's something about her
that makes me feel very inadequate
128
00:09:57,654 --> 00:10:01,442
If she kept her clothes on while she was here,
it would be a start
129
00:10:02,254 --> 00:10:07,453
Running about in that skimpy bra
You can't tell me she gets that hot
130
00:10:08,294 --> 00:10:12,924
What are you talking about, skimpy bra
That's a bikini top, surely
131
00:10:13,454 --> 00:10:17,527
Oh, it looks exactly like a bikini top, I'll grant you
132
00:10:17,654 --> 00:10:19,963
But that is definitely a bra
133
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,765
I'd stake my life on it
134
00:10:25,134 --> 00:10:28,365
If they both look exactly the same,
what difference does it make?
135
00:10:28,454 --> 00:10:29,933
(MARGARET SCOFFING)
136
00:10:31,374 --> 00:10:34,810
As long as she's got somewhere
to tuck her dusters
137
00:10:38,414 --> 00:10:42,009
Just one of those things we'll never know
138
00:10:44,734 --> 00:10:47,646
You're in a funny mood tonight What is it?
139
00:10:48,734 --> 00:10:49,723
Hmm?
140
00:10:51,014 --> 00:10:55,246
Oh Just a bit tired after all that other palaver
141
00:10:56,294 --> 00:10:57,727
Night, night
142
00:10:59,974 --> 00:11:01,327
Night
143
00:11:17,814 --> 00:11:19,133
''Dear Mimsy,
144
00:11:19,214 --> 00:11:22,923
''I wonder if it's possible to reverse a circumcision
145
00:11:23,174 --> 00:11:26,291
''For the last 1 3 years
146
00:11:26,974 --> 00:11:30,171
''my husband has kept his foreskin in a jar
147
00:11:33,014 --> 00:11:36,131
''But to be honest, I'm not sure it would still fit
148
00:11:38,974 --> 00:11:42,887
''Any guidance you can give us on this matter
would be much appreciated''
149
00:11:42,974 --> 00:11:47,604
(TUTTING) It's tragic really,
the things people write in about
150
00:11:47,694 --> 00:11:49,650
I mean, listen to this one
151
00:11:49,734 --> 00:11:53,044
''I have developed a thick white coating
on my tongue
152
00:11:53,214 --> 00:11:56,365
''which I'm worried may be dandruff
153
00:11:57,174 --> 00:12:00,803
''And despite gargling twice a day
with Head and Shoulders,
154
00:12:00,894 --> 00:12:03,806
''the problem does not seem to go away''
155
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:11,330
So, how is Victor this morning? He not up yet?
156
00:12:11,694 --> 00:12:15,004
No, I don't think he got much sleep, to be honest
157
00:12:15,414 --> 00:12:20,363
Seemed to have something on his mind
that he evidently didn't want to talk about, so
158
00:12:28,374 --> 00:12:29,693
Boiling now
159
00:12:33,574 --> 00:12:36,850
-If that's water resistant, I'm a Dutchman
-Well, exactly
160
00:12:39,534 --> 00:12:43,686
Yes, my name's Meldrew, 1 9 Riverbank
161
00:12:43,774 --> 00:12:46,447
I believe you've got a parcel for us
and I was just
162
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:52,928
Ah Anytime before 6:00 Okay, then
Right Thank you Bye
163
00:12:54,214 --> 00:12:55,567
(PHONE RINGING)
164
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:01,967
Hello
165
00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:06,207
Oh, Enrico, how are you today?
Are you still in the hospital?
166
00:13:06,694 --> 00:13:11,370
-Oh, have they? Really?
-Did I Did I leave a nozzle in here?
167
00:13:11,734 --> 00:13:12,928
Yeah
168
00:13:13,494 --> 00:13:16,725
There's no need to go to all that trouble
169
00:13:19,094 --> 00:13:20,413
Yeah
170
00:13:21,814 --> 00:13:25,363
All right, Enrico, I'll look forward to that Yes, bye
171
00:13:25,694 --> 00:13:28,413
Katy, are you well?
How is the play going these days?
172
00:13:28,494 --> 00:13:31,406
Oh, good question
I read it to my boyfriend last night
173
00:13:31,494 --> 00:13:34,770
-who, like, just totally hated it
-What did he say?
174
00:13:34,854 --> 00:13:36,128
He said I'd done a sensational job
175
00:13:36,214 --> 00:13:38,808
But men will say anything, won't they,
when they wanna get laid
176
00:13:38,894 --> 00:13:42,603
The subtext was definitely,
''Don't give up your day job''
177
00:13:42,774 --> 00:13:46,289
Anyway, how's everything in this room?
All right for you?
178
00:13:46,374 --> 00:13:48,842
Yes, you've done a sensational job
179
00:13:49,734 --> 00:13:50,962
Very nice, thank you
180
00:13:51,054 --> 00:13:54,967
Oh, God, it's nearly 1 0 to one
I've got a dental appointment in town at two
181
00:13:55,054 --> 00:13:58,410
-I've got to rush, Mr Meldrew Bye
-Bye
182
00:14:00,054 --> 00:14:01,692
Unbelievable!
183
00:14:01,894 --> 00:14:04,931
He's only invited himself round here
for lunch now
184
00:14:05,014 --> 00:14:07,767
-Who has?
-That chip shop wallah, Enrico
185
00:14:08,694 --> 00:14:12,004
Said he was very grateful
that I'd taken his finger back last night
186
00:14:12,094 --> 00:14:14,847
Now he wants to treat us
to a large portion of haddock
187
00:14:15,974 --> 00:14:17,566
Where are you off to?
188
00:14:17,654 --> 00:14:20,930
Well, I'm not sitting here all morning
watching Snow White get her kit off
189
00:14:22,454 --> 00:14:26,527
Said we'd pop down the health shop,
see if we can get something for Jean's shoulder
190
00:14:26,614 --> 00:14:30,402
It's like one long pain, now,
going right up into my jaw
191
00:14:30,734 --> 00:14:33,567
Dreading going up to see him, now,
about this tooth
192
00:14:33,654 --> 00:14:36,566
Oh, of course
'Cause you're allergic to the injections
193
00:14:36,654 --> 00:14:41,205
I don't know what it is, the Novocaine or whatever,
always makes me horribly sick
194
00:14:41,334 --> 00:14:44,132
Remember last time when I brought my liver up?
195
00:14:46,014 --> 00:14:50,804
Those suction tubes can barely cope
with a mouthful of gravy
196
00:14:52,534 --> 00:14:56,288
Well, there must be other ways
they can numb you
197
00:14:56,694 --> 00:15:00,004
Have you ever thought
about going to a different dentist?
198
00:15:04,374 --> 00:15:06,092
I won't, if you don't mind, Enrico
199
00:15:06,174 --> 00:15:09,166
I've gone off chips for the moment
Thanks all the same
200
00:15:09,414 --> 00:15:11,405
Just a nibble
201
00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:14,807
It's good, right?
202
00:15:14,934 --> 00:15:19,371
Like being suckled by Angela Rippon
Just melts in the mouth
203
00:15:20,574 --> 00:15:25,045
Listen, Victor I was deeply touched, you know,
when you brought that back to me last night
204
00:15:25,134 --> 00:15:27,489
Other men would have
flushed it down the crapper
205
00:15:27,574 --> 00:15:29,849
But Victor? No
206
00:15:30,134 --> 00:15:33,444
Listen, how many years now
you come into my shop?
207
00:15:34,614 --> 00:15:38,971
Doesn't matter Enrico knows
Can spot a man of superior intellect
208
00:15:39,614 --> 00:15:42,174
Because for me right now
209
00:15:42,614 --> 00:15:44,206
is big problem, right?
210
00:15:44,574 --> 00:15:49,204
Two nights ago, my wife catch me
with her best friend on floor of the shop
211
00:15:49,294 --> 00:15:51,330
-behind the counter
-Yes, I heard
212
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:55,129
You heard? It's very possible
I make plenty of noise
213
00:15:56,214 --> 00:16:00,651
But, then, this morning I come home
from hospital I know just what to do
214
00:16:01,414 --> 00:16:06,568
Get both women together and I tell them
it's only one way to choose between them
215
00:16:06,654 --> 00:16:08,804
We'll let Victor decide
216
00:16:10,414 --> 00:16:11,642
What?
217
00:16:11,734 --> 00:16:16,444
We'll let Victor Meldrew make the decision,
like judgement of Solomon
218
00:16:17,254 --> 00:16:19,324
It's not easy, for sure
219
00:16:19,734 --> 00:16:22,248
They are both very beautiful
220
00:16:23,174 --> 00:16:27,087
Antonella is a wonderful, wonderful wife
221
00:16:27,614 --> 00:16:28,888
But Phyllis
222
00:16:29,134 --> 00:16:30,772
You know, wow!
223
00:16:31,854 --> 00:16:34,004
Well, Enrico, I haven't
224
00:16:35,094 --> 00:16:38,370
Have you thought of writing
to one of these people in the paper?
225
00:16:38,454 --> 00:16:41,730
I'm sure they can advise you
much better than I can, because
226
00:16:41,814 --> 00:16:44,374
Anyway, I've got to pop out very shortly
to the post office
227
00:16:44,454 --> 00:16:49,050
So perhaps I'll just
Perhaps I'll just take these and wash them up
228
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:58,324
Hey, Victor, it's fantastic idea, right?
229
00:16:58,414 --> 00:17:00,291
Check it out Mimsy Berkowitz
230
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:02,651
''Am I lost in love
231
00:17:02,734 --> 00:17:04,884
''or seeking solace in sex?''
232
00:17:05,334 --> 00:17:09,373
Whatever my emotional dilemma,
Mimsy can help me
233
00:17:09,494 --> 00:17:11,849
Maybe write to her She tell me what to do
234
00:17:11,934 --> 00:17:13,287
Yes, I think it's for the best, Enrico
235
00:17:13,374 --> 00:17:16,446
Now, I'm afraid I've got to go now
So, unfortunately, you'll have to
236
00:17:16,534 --> 00:17:20,368
Yes Before you go, Victor Do me one tiny favour
237
00:17:34,894 --> 00:17:36,486
Oh, hello
238
00:17:36,974 --> 00:17:39,727
-Did you make it in time then in the end?
-Sorry?
239
00:17:39,814 --> 00:17:42,123
-The dental appointment
-Oh, yes
240
00:17:42,654 --> 00:17:46,329
Sorry, Mr Meldrew, I'm not quite with it yet
I'm still a bit spaced out, I think
241
00:17:46,414 --> 00:17:49,850
-Oh, right From the anaesthetic?
-Hypnosis, actually
242
00:17:50,614 --> 00:17:53,333
-Hypnosis?
-I know, it's amazing
243
00:17:53,414 --> 00:17:58,090
She's Taiwanese She uses, like, this kind of
hypnotherapy to put you under, and it's brilliant
244
00:17:58,174 --> 00:18:00,927
You don't feel any pain
Don't remember any of what happened, anything
245
00:18:02,854 --> 00:18:05,243
What's that? A new pair of cufflinks?
246
00:18:05,894 --> 00:18:09,284
To be honest, I haven't the faintest idea
who it's from or anything
247
00:18:09,494 --> 00:18:13,373
-I'll see you around, Mr Meldrew
-Right Bye, Katy
248
00:18:14,054 --> 00:18:15,407
Take care
249
00:18:22,814 --> 00:18:27,126
What are you up to? She's supposed to have
done that once this morning
250
00:18:27,214 --> 00:18:29,648
''Supposed to'' is right
251
00:18:31,494 --> 00:18:32,973
My God
252
00:18:33,854 --> 00:18:35,526
Is that it?
253
00:18:36,854 --> 00:18:38,890
-What do you think it is?
-I don't know
254
00:18:38,974 --> 00:18:41,932
There's nothing on the outside
to say who sent it or anything
255
00:18:43,574 --> 00:18:44,723
Oh!
256
00:18:45,174 --> 00:18:50,532
I'll tell you what I did find when I was out
A dentist that might be handy for you know who
257
00:18:50,934 --> 00:18:56,804
Apparently there's one that cleaner goes to
who uses hypnotism on her patients
258
00:18:56,894 --> 00:19:02,093
She puts them under,
and they don't feel any pain or anything
259
00:19:03,414 --> 00:19:07,805
What in the name of all that's holy!
260
00:19:14,934 --> 00:19:16,208
What
261
00:19:17,454 --> 00:19:20,526
Where did it come from?
That can't possibly be for us
262
00:19:21,774 --> 00:19:25,164
Mr and Mrs Meldrew 1 9 Riverbank
263
00:19:26,894 --> 00:19:30,091
Well, there must be a letter or a note
264
00:19:32,374 --> 00:19:35,571
I mean, what the hell is it for?
265
00:19:36,454 --> 00:19:39,605
-Perhaps it's a free gift
-A free gift?
266
00:19:41,694 --> 00:19:43,252
Oh, hang on
267
00:19:44,174 --> 00:19:46,449
There's something written underneath here
268
00:19:47,774 --> 00:19:50,242
-What does it say?
-It says
269
00:19:52,454 --> 00:19:55,491
''Best before January 2001 ''
270
00:20:04,174 --> 00:20:07,405
Sorry, Mr Meldrew, I thought we said 1 0:00
271
00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:09,971
Perhaps I'll just take my own car
272
00:20:10,054 --> 00:20:13,649
Oh, you'll do nothing of the kind, Mrs Warboys
I'll be with you in just a jiffy
273
00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:18,125
Now, if you could get the car out of the garage,
that would be one big help
274
00:20:18,214 --> 00:20:20,125
Yes Yes, all right
275
00:20:23,574 --> 00:20:27,328
Still don't know if it's the answer
Hypnotherapy, you know
276
00:20:28,014 --> 00:20:31,324
I mean, what if they can't bring me
out of a trance?
277
00:20:31,654 --> 00:20:36,774
I could turn into a vegetable doing a striptease
every time anyone claps their hands
278
00:20:38,854 --> 00:20:40,003
Oh
279
00:20:40,334 --> 00:20:43,132
This is very lifelike, isn't it?
280
00:20:43,454 --> 00:20:45,092
Could almost be real
281
00:20:46,374 --> 00:20:50,572
-What?
-Of course, I had a talk with my old dentist
282
00:20:50,654 --> 00:20:53,327
who said I should definitely give it a try,
283
00:20:53,414 --> 00:20:56,884
and he's given me a copy of the X-ray
to take along and everything, but
284
00:20:58,014 --> 00:21:00,323
What's that? Bad news?
285
00:21:00,774 --> 00:21:03,652
Well, I found it in that letter rack
286
00:21:05,654 --> 00:21:07,372
''Mimsy Berkowitz''
287
00:21:08,494 --> 00:21:10,291
Is this Victor's handwri
288
00:21:11,934 --> 00:21:15,244
What would he be doing writing to an agony aunt?
289
00:21:15,694 --> 00:21:16,843
I don't know
290
00:21:17,094 --> 00:21:19,733
There was obviously something on his mind
the other night, but
291
00:21:19,814 --> 00:21:22,567
My God, you think he's got some girl into trouble?
292
00:21:23,814 --> 00:21:26,089
Why ever do you say that?
293
00:21:26,254 --> 00:21:30,088
Well, whatever it is, it smacks of dishonesty
294
00:21:30,974 --> 00:21:34,250
-Let's see if I can pick it open
-No, Jean!
295
00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:37,930
If he's got some kind of problem
that he feels he can't share with me,
296
00:21:38,014 --> 00:21:40,050
that's his lookout I'm sorry
297
00:21:45,134 --> 00:21:46,487
Yes, well
298
00:21:48,054 --> 00:21:51,171
I'll pop it into the box for you while I'm out
299
00:22:05,254 --> 00:22:09,611
''Dear Mimsy, I have the most terrible problem
and need your advice
300
00:22:09,854 --> 00:22:13,972
''Recently I have developed an insane passion
for my wife's best friend
301
00:22:15,094 --> 00:22:17,847
''who I now realise I totally worship
302
00:22:20,294 --> 00:22:24,333
''Ever since we shared
an intimate moment together a few nights ago,
303
00:22:24,414 --> 00:22:26,723
''I cannot stop thinking about her''
304
00:22:26,814 --> 00:22:28,691
Oh, my God
305
00:22:31,134 --> 00:22:33,125
Here we are then
306
00:22:34,254 --> 00:22:36,484
Sorry about that
307
00:22:38,734 --> 00:22:40,565
All set
308
00:22:44,934 --> 00:22:46,492
We're all set
309
00:22:47,374 --> 00:22:51,765
Try not to worry about it
Everything's going to be absolutely fine
310
00:22:57,454 --> 00:22:59,251
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
311
00:23:06,294 --> 00:23:08,683
-Mrs Warboys
-Yes
312
00:23:08,774 --> 00:23:11,242
-First time here, yes?
-Yes
313
00:23:13,214 --> 00:23:18,129
And feeling a bit nervous about it all,
if truth be told
314
00:23:18,214 --> 00:23:20,523
You say something about a crown, right?
315
00:23:20,614 --> 00:23:24,653
Yes Oh, and Mr Spigot gave me this
to give to you
316
00:23:25,214 --> 00:23:28,524
which will make far more sense to you
than it does to me
317
00:23:35,454 --> 00:23:37,922
Ah, okay I see
318
00:23:38,374 --> 00:23:42,208
It's been giving me such gyp, I can't tell you
319
00:23:43,694 --> 00:23:47,084
And I've been saying to myself for weeks
I must get this shoulder done,
320
00:23:47,174 --> 00:23:50,052
-but you know what it is
-Okay Fine
321
00:23:50,974 --> 00:23:55,252
First of all, Mrs Warboys, just relax, okay?
322
00:23:56,054 --> 00:24:02,368
And keep very, very still
323
00:24:03,174 --> 00:24:05,847
Doesn't seem to need a lot of doing, this floor
324
00:24:05,934 --> 00:24:09,404
Are you sure you haven't secretly
been mopping it all over before I got here?
325
00:24:10,334 --> 00:24:14,373
Oh, by the way, thanks for putting us
onto that dentist of yours
326
00:24:14,574 --> 00:24:17,532
That was just what our friend was looking for
327
00:24:17,614 --> 00:24:19,969
Amazing to think they can do that now
328
00:24:20,094 --> 00:24:23,086
Give you fillings and everything
just with hypnotherapy
329
00:24:23,174 --> 00:24:24,732
Oh, no, it's fantastic
330
00:24:24,814 --> 00:24:28,045
It's not my dentist, though, who does all that
I wish it was
331
00:24:29,454 --> 00:24:30,887
Not your dentist?
332
00:24:31,734 --> 00:24:35,443
Then who was it you'd just been to see
when Victor ran into
333
00:24:42,454 --> 00:24:43,648
(PHONE RINGING)
334
00:24:44,414 --> 00:24:46,006
Hello, Jackie Tang's
335
00:24:47,694 --> 00:24:50,288
Mr Meldrew? Your wife
336
00:24:52,734 --> 00:24:55,453
Thank you Hello, yes?
337
00:24:56,454 --> 00:24:57,773
Yes, we're still here
338
00:24:58,134 --> 00:25:00,853
Yes, I think she should be out at any minute
339
00:25:02,734 --> 00:25:04,008
What?
340
00:25:08,894 --> 00:25:10,850
You're joking!
341
00:25:13,374 --> 00:25:14,648
I'll speak to you later
342
00:25:15,614 --> 00:25:17,093
All completed now
343
00:25:22,774 --> 00:25:25,083
I hope she will be pleased
344
00:25:32,414 --> 00:25:33,733
Er, yes
345
00:25:36,574 --> 00:25:38,132
Mrs Warboys
346
00:25:40,534 --> 00:25:42,206
Mrs Warboys
347
00:25:43,334 --> 00:25:44,653
You excuse me
348
00:25:44,894 --> 00:25:46,043
(PHONE RINGING)
349
00:25:57,694 --> 00:25:59,127
Mr Meldrew!
350
00:25:59,214 --> 00:26:02,126
I'm sorry I'll just get your coat
351
00:26:05,054 --> 00:26:07,488
Where in God's name is she?
352
00:26:07,734 --> 00:26:11,932
And why did she have to shoot off on her own
like that anyway? It doesn't make any sense
353
00:26:12,014 --> 00:26:15,529
I've no idea After we came out,
she said she had to go to the post office
354
00:26:15,614 --> 00:26:19,289
and she was going to come back here on the bus
to pick up her car
355
00:26:19,374 --> 00:26:23,686
She's been giving me very strange looks all day,
come to that
356
00:26:23,774 --> 00:26:29,531
Well, when she does get here,
you are going to tell her everything
357
00:26:30,934 --> 00:26:36,292
God, you've cocked some things up in your time,
Victor, but this one takes the biscuit
358
00:26:36,374 --> 00:26:38,888
I don't know who was in a bigger trance,
her or you
359
00:26:40,814 --> 00:26:44,523
MARGARET: Don't tell me
that bulb's gone again already
360
00:26:47,614 --> 00:26:49,252
No All off now
361
00:26:49,334 --> 00:26:52,770
VICTOR: It'll just be the trip switch
needs re-setting Do you want me to do it?
362
00:26:52,854 --> 00:26:54,173
No, I can manage
363
00:26:54,254 --> 00:26:55,812
JEAN: Anyone in?
364
00:26:56,454 --> 00:26:59,014
Sorry, it was murder on the buses tonight
365
00:27:00,254 --> 00:27:01,926
Oh, Mr Meldrew?
366
00:27:02,294 --> 00:27:06,526
-What's going on?
-VICTOR: It's all right, Mrs Warboys, come right in
367
00:27:06,614 --> 00:27:08,206
No, I'm sorry, I can't stay
368
00:27:08,294 --> 00:27:11,491
I just came to collect my keys
which I think I left here
369
00:27:11,894 --> 00:27:13,885
Yeah, but you're not in a rush, are you?
370
00:27:13,974 --> 00:27:17,808
I thought it might be an idea
if we just sat down and had a little chat
371
00:27:17,894 --> 00:27:21,443
JEAN: Oh, my God,
what's that horrible rubbery thing?
372
00:27:21,814 --> 00:27:23,008
(SLAPPING)
373
00:27:25,574 --> 00:27:28,771
You keep away from me, Mr Meldrew!
374
00:27:28,854 --> 00:27:30,765
Help! Help!
375
00:27:30,854 --> 00:27:33,368
-Mrs Warboys
-No! Oh, God!
376
00:27:33,454 --> 00:27:36,366
No! No! Help!
377
00:27:38,454 --> 00:27:39,773
Jean?
378
00:27:48,974 --> 00:27:51,044
Oh I'll
379
00:27:54,134 --> 00:27:56,773
I'll talk to you later
380
00:27:58,174 --> 00:27:59,607
Bye
381
00:28:06,534 --> 00:28:07,853
Do you ever get the feeling
382
00:28:07,934 --> 00:28:11,483
you'd just like to go to sleep
and not wake up the next morning?
383
00:28:13,174 --> 00:28:16,723
Every night Wouldn't have to worry then
384
00:28:17,214 --> 00:28:20,684
Wouldn't have to keep trying
to make sense of it all
385
00:28:21,454 --> 00:28:22,773
All what?
386
00:28:23,814 --> 00:28:25,805
Us This
387
00:28:27,174 --> 00:28:31,804
Everything It's like when I was at the hospital
the other night I don't know
388
00:28:31,894 --> 00:28:34,567
And you see it all there, don't you?
389
00:28:34,774 --> 00:28:37,129
The whole thing under one roof
390
00:28:38,934 --> 00:28:40,413
Birth
391
00:28:40,814 --> 00:28:42,327
Death
392
00:28:42,854 --> 00:28:44,572
All the misery in between
393
00:28:44,654 --> 00:28:50,172
I remember reading an article once that said,
''All our lives are just a temporary blip
394
00:28:50,494 --> 00:28:54,089
''in the long meaningless void of eternity''
395
00:28:55,494 --> 00:28:59,851
And that we'll never know where we came from
or what we're doing here
396
00:29:01,294 --> 00:29:05,924
Or why a grown woman
would suddenly jam a courgette in the door
397
00:29:07,614 --> 00:29:08,967
I mean,
398
00:29:09,334 --> 00:29:13,486
it's not even as if she could have mistaken it
in the dark for something else
399
00:29:20,894 --> 00:29:22,725
(SILENT)
400
00:29:24,134 --> 00:29:26,170
(THEATRE AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
401
00:29:34,974 --> 00:29:37,010
(THEATRE AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)
402
00:29:39,414 --> 00:29:42,804
Molly, what the hell
did you think he was trying to do?
403
00:29:42,894 --> 00:29:44,964
And with a thing like that?
404
00:29:45,054 --> 00:29:48,285
Who do you think I'm married to?
Champion the Wonder Horse?
405
00:29:48,374 --> 00:29:49,363
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
406
00:29:49,574 --> 00:29:52,691
Make it a spring onion,
we'd be getting closer to the mark
407
00:30:01,054 --> 00:30:02,453
Look, we're on the end of a pier
408
00:30:02,534 --> 00:30:05,048
They're not gonna be
the most demanding house in the world
409
00:30:05,134 --> 00:30:08,126
-They're laughing
-But the laughter is meaningless
410
00:30:08,214 --> 00:30:12,002
You put this in front of people who think,
they're gonna ask too many questions
411
00:30:12,094 --> 00:30:15,450
Like, ''What the hell was the deal
with that giant fly?''
412
00:30:15,534 --> 00:30:18,651
You can't just set up something like that
and then never explain it
413
00:30:18,734 --> 00:30:22,852
But they never did explain it
It just became like this total unsolved mystery
414
00:30:22,934 --> 00:30:25,368
-Which is what I love about it
-Sorry, Katy
415
00:30:25,454 --> 00:30:30,812
There's some interesting stuff here,
but bottom line, the writing has to be convincing
416
00:30:30,894 --> 00:30:35,126
And end of the day, I'm afraid for me,
that's the biggest single problem
417
00:30:37,254 --> 00:30:39,245
I don't believe it
418
00:30:44,854 --> 00:30:47,812
# They say I might as well face the truth
419
00:30:48,294 --> 00:30:51,172
# That I am just too long in the tooth
420
00:30:51,774 --> 00:30:54,766
# I've started to deteriorate
421
00:30:55,254 --> 00:30:58,371
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
422
00:30:58,774 --> 00:31:01,732
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
423
00:31:02,294 --> 00:31:05,206
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
424
00:31:05,734 --> 00:31:08,851
#And my old knees have started to knock
425
00:31:09,134 --> 00:31:12,365
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
426
00:31:12,494 --> 00:31:16,407
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
427
00:31:16,534 --> 00:31:19,924
# It's true that my body has seen better days
428
00:31:20,014 --> 00:31:23,643
# But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
429
00:31:24,054 --> 00:31:26,284
# One foot in the grave
430
00:31:27,334 --> 00:31:29,609
# One foot in the grave
431
00:31:31,014 --> 00:31:34,006
# One foot in the grave #
432
00:31:34,056 --> 00:31:38,606
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