Original subtitles

What?

What?

My God, where are we?

Soon be home now, Mr Meldrew

We were a while getting out of the airport, I'm afraid,

and coming through London, I took a bit of a wrong turning

and we got caught up in a Nazi rally in Deptford

It was only by telling them you were a skinhead, we got out alive

I don't know You could write a book, couldn't you?

What can I smell in here? Is it a dog?

Ah, that'll be Trixie's sack that she sits on

There shouldn't be any fleas on it now I had it deloused just a month ago

Oh, talking of dogs,

you know old Mr Burkitt died the other week?

I don't know if I mentioned, his wife's looking for a home for that little cocker spaniel they had

She was wondering if perhaps you might be interested?

I don't think so, Mrs Warboys Thank you

How's the travel sickness now, by the way?

I haven't heard you retch since Basildon

-Best not to remind him of it, I think, Jean -Oh, yeah

I remember on my flight to Los Angeles, the man next to me,

everything he'd had for dinner, the enchiladas and the refried beans

I mean, those sick bags are never watertight at the best of times

Right, stop the car

Would you pull over? Now, please

Still, nice to get a little break for a change

Recharge your batteries

Yes

I don't think we'll be booking any more long weekends to Hamburg in a hurry

What with Victor wandering into that brothel to post a German sausage to his brother

That didn't do his hernia any good, believe me

Oh, yes, when's he having it looked at?

Tomorrow morning, his next appointment

Looks as if they'll have to operate, which is another thing that's worrying him silly

All out now, Mr Meldrew?

Can we not talk about it, please?

Just drive

(GLASS BREAKING)

Right, everyone I'm afraid time's getting on

Let's have a look at how we're all doing

And I know, because Chris had it done a few years ago

Nowadays, Mr Meldrew,

a hernia repair's one of the simplest operations there is

The only worry is

if they have to take one of your testicles away at the same time

Is that a fact?

Which is quite common, apparently

But then, you can always have an artificial one put in

When I was in Los Angeles,

there was a clinic in Beverly Hills advertising them in the supermarkets

$65 each, plus tax

Or three for $1 50

Yes, well, I'll just

Three?

Anyway, I'd better love you and leave you You'll want to get settled in

-I expect you'll both be ready for an early night -Yes

We'll be fine now, Jean, if you want to get along

JEAN: I'll see you tomorrow, about 1 2:00 MARGARET: Yes, right Bye

(EXCLAIMING)

I thought you were going to empty this before we left

Yeah, that's all right

I'll just lug this upstairs on my own

Sorry?

You know I can't risk it, Margaret It would be asking for trouble now, wouldn't it?

(KNOCKING)

It was decent of her to pick us up, I'm not denying

But one more minute of her bloody Los Angeles holiday

If it was so wonderful, why didn't she stay there?

-There's a man living in our shed -What?

He just walked in here, as merry as you could please, and filled up a bottle of orange squash

What?

What are you doing? Don't stand there waving at him

Go down there and tell him to get out

(VICTOR STAMMERING)

I suppose Unless you want to tell him

How can I go down there? And get a garden fork in the ribs if he turns nasty?

I suppose not

Right

-A garden fork in the ribs? -Just tell him to leave

(PHONE RINGING)

4291

Oh, hello

Yes, safe and sound, more or less

How are you getting on?

Oh, still lurching from one crisis to the next

We've got lunch tomorrow with Patrick's new boss, which is a bit hair-raising

We don't even know if she's gonna keep him on yet

Well, he's hasn't been with the firm five minutes

No, at her place, up Raven's Hill,

which makes it even more of an ordeal

I know

Anyway, just wanted to check, we're still on for Thursday night

Well, any time you like

About 7:30 and eat at 8:00?

Just when I thought we'd moved to a Meldrew-free zone

That's great then, Margaret

-Look forward to it -Yes, see you then, Pippa Bye

-What the hell's going on now? -I'm taking him some biscuits

You're what?

He says he hasn't eaten for three days

since they turfed him out of his cardboard box under the railway bridge

What am I supposed to do?

Poor bloke's got nowhere

It'll be dark soon I said he could stay there at least until the morning

Stay there till the morn

He's not having my Boasters

And first thing tomorrow, he's out

And make sure he understands or I'm calling the police

Leave it alone

If you stand there kneading it like a lump of puff pastry, you'll make it worse

It's gone down slightly, maybe I should cancel the appointment

What does she want to go and tell me that for anyway?

-Something else I've got to worry about now -What are you on about? It's engaged

I mean, we don't know, do we, what these surgeons are playing at

when they take your bits off

Might just want them for conker practice

We've got no way of telling

Don't forget, you're gonna take the car in for its MOT on the way back

You got everything to take?

Filled your bottle up, nice and full?

Yes, I have

I've got enough of my specimens up there now to irrigate the Gobi Desert

I'll qualify for my own sign on the gate, before long

To Victor Meldrew's Urine Bank

Second in size only to the Staines Reservoir

Oh, I do not believe it

-I do not Have you seen this? -Seen what?

These applications to apply for an American Express card

we get every couple of months

They've only sent us three this time

Look ''Victor Meldrew'', ''Margaret Meldrew''

and ''The Man in the Shed''

Don't be utterly ridiculous

I'm not being It's here in black and white Look

''The Man in the Shed, 1 9 Riverbank''

Been there for three days and he's getting bloody junk mail

I mean, how do they get hold of these things?

Simply beggars belief

As if the poor bloke hasn't got enough on his plate

Oh, yes If it was up to you, he would stay there as long as he liked

I don't suppose he chose to live on the streets, Margaret

In there, clipping his toenails with our secateurs when I looked just now

You give people like that an inch, and they'll take a mile

Well, I'm getting it sorted out today, once and for all

And you're going to be late if you don't hurry up, so, skedaddle and I'll see you later

Right, see you then Bye

For goodness' sake, if she starts fondling your bottom again, just grin and bear it

You know what I mean You know, just turn the other cheek

There'll be plenty of time to file for sexual harassment

once she's renewed your contract

Yes, well, I'll bear that in mind as I'm discussing corporate restructuring

with her tongue up my nose

Morning, Mr and Mrs Trench to see Fenella Fortune

Oh, right Just a tick

I'm Mrs Blanchard, the housekeeper

-How do you do? I think we may be a bit Ow! -Oh, sorry

I've just been doing the roses My hands are all thorns

(WIND CHIMES TINKLING)

If you want to come around the back, she's in the summer house

Patrick, thanks for coming And Pippa, how are you? I'll be two seconds

We'll eat at 1 :30, Mrs Blanchard, if that's all right?

And if you could see to some more logs for the fire for tonight, when you have a moment

-Lovely summer house -Isn't it a dream?

They only finished building it two weeks ago Now I practically live in here

Now, what I thought we'd do, Pippa, if you could do me the most enormous favour,

take Uncle Louis out for a breath of fresh air

Patrick and I can get all our boring business over and then we'll have lunch

How does that sound? Do you mind?

No, that's absolutely fine

If you'd like to park yourself down here, Patrick

-You brought those figures along? -Yes, yes

Give us 20 minutes to be comfortable

(CHAINSAW WHIRRING)

Hello, how are we doing?

One more breakdown on projected revenue to go,

but I think that can wait till after lunch

Fine

Just on its way, by the look of things

Bless her She's such a tower of strength

Not afraid to get stuck in

Of course, she has let the garden go a bit, lately But that'll be fine

I've arranged for this new chap to come in part-time

Give her a hand with the weeding and watering and what-have-you

I can't quite remember when he's supposed to be joining us

Mrs Blanchard, what day did we say Mr Meldrew was starting?

Was it Thursday or Friday?

(GLASS BREAKING)

Thursday, I think I'll check

Patrick, whatever's the matter?

So, that's it, then

I've just been sexually molested on a bed of tomatoes for nothing

I can only assume that the Pentagon

must have used him as some sort of prototype for the Patriot missile

The man's tracking range is deadly

He'll be doing a bit of gardening for her, that's all

How's that gonna be a problem?

Darling, living on the same planet as Victor Meldrew is a problem

Like playing chess with death

No, my fate has been sealed

All we can do now is to sit back and wait

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Uh-huh, I don't think we have, actually

(DOOR CLOSING)

Oh, that'll be my husband just back, so

Unbelievable the jungle telegraph around here

The things people try and foist on you

Afternoon, Mr Meldrew

What happened? They put you on a waiting list?

Yes, it's just a race against time now to see whether I get a bed in the National Health Service

before cockroaches take over the Earth

And I had to leave the car in, would you believe?

Seven jobs it needs doing on it this time

Oh, you're joking

Feel as if I've got a pumpkin in my underpants, having it poked around like that all morning

I see you got shot of him, in the end

Oh, someone called Mrs Blanchard rang, about that gardening job

I said you'd be over there tomorrow about 1 2:00, God willing

God willing

Now, then, Mr Meldrew

I brought something along for you that I thought might come in handy

It's been knocking about my shoe polish tin but you can always have it dry-cleaned

Oh, thank you The very thing

Another secondhand truss

Hello Victor Meldrew's Surgical Support Recycling Centre here

Just to let you know we accept all forms of unwanted medical appliance

Cast-off corsets, elasticated stockings, false arms

If there's no one in, just stick them through the letter box We can't get enough of them

Thank you very much

This is going to cost a fortune

The other thing, Mr Meldrew

-I was over at Mrs Burkitt's again, first thing -No, thank you, Mrs Warboys

She's still trying to find a home for that cocker spaniel

No, thank you, Mrs Warboys

I'd forgotten how sweet it looks

No, thank you, Mrs Warboys

I did say I'd ask again, just in case you'd changed your mind

I have not changed my mind

It would just be one more thing to worry about on top of everything else

Will you try and get it into your head, please?

I do not want a dog

NICK: Morning, Mr Meldrew

I see your fat pecker's nearly off, then?

-I beg your pardon? -Squirrels again, I expect

What the hell's this in aid of?

Oh, yeah, yeah It's just to get a bit of sun on my Sweet Williams

They don't seem to thrive in the shade

You expecting a new arrival, then?

Oh, yes Tomorrow morning, she's supposed to be bringing it round

Very nice, too Yeah

Yes, I thought I'd come out and nuke a few dandelions before I pop into town

-Get one or two things for Mother -Right

How is she?

Not making a lot of sense at the moment, I'm afraid

Er, she's got it into her head she's being kidnapped by aliens every night

and taken to the planet Neptune

Aliens? Oh, dear

Yes, yes, says they come down about 2:00 every morning

in this great big spacecraft and just whisk her off

She said three of them are just large blobs of jelly with a kind of pulsating nucleus inside,

and the other two look like Gloria Hunniford So, it's

Still, the main thing is how much it's perked her up

Put a real glow on her face, isn't it funny?

Perhaps we could all do with a trip up there, what do you reckon?

Yes, be an idea

Anyway, while we're out here,

I've put a few bits and bobs together for you

I think it's all pretty much the kind of stuff you're looking for

Oh, thanks very much I'm sure that'll be

-What do you mean? -Sorry?

What do you mean ''the kind of stuff I'm looking for''?

The advert in the parish newsletter

Yeah, it was Mother who spotted it first, funnily enough

Anyway, er, I better get down to Boots

before the midday rush starts on the incontinence counter

See you around, I expect

Yes, I expect you will

What the hell's he given me here, for goodness' sakes?

What in the name of sanity?

MARGARET: Victor

Has he gone stark raving mad next door?

Victor,

have you been speaking to Mrs Natwick from the Women's Bright Hour?

-Mrs who? -She rang here yesterday

to see if we had any fund-raising ideas for the Church rectory

It was just before you got back from the hospital

I was speaking to her and I put the phone down

I'm sure I did

Or did she think I was coming back to say

Oh, God

What is it? What's happened?

''Attention, ladies,

''put those unwanted corsets and elasticated stockings to use now

''at Victor Meldrew's Surgical Support Recycling Centre

''1 9 Riverbank

''False arms, legs and other body parts also welcome

''If no reply, post them through letter box''

(STAMMERING)

Do you mean that when I picked up that phone,

there was someone on the other

Five thousand homes that will have gone out to by now

Victor, what have you done?

(WIND HOWLING)

(DOG BARKING)

Mr Swainey's mother's being kidnapped every night by aliens from the planet Neptune

Must be good for a few Air Miles

Yes, I dare say

-What's that supposed to mean? -Sorry?

''I dare say''

We don't know, do we, what goes on

We hear such stories Suppose we can't be totally alone in the universe

Wouldn't make sense

Yes, it's hard to imagine a race of super-intelligent beings

hurtling across the solar system every night to get a batty old woman out of bed

Mind you,

you can hardly blame her for wanting to escape from everything down here

He said, whoever they were, they put a real glow on her face

They can come put one on mine when they're finished

The way things have been going the last few days,

I don't suppose there's much chance of that

-Good night, then -Yes

MARGARET: Night-night

(CAT MEOWING)

You're off shortly?

Thought I'd take a few bits and pieces with me, show some initiative

It might lead to something more permanent

I wonder where she is She did say 1 0:30

Got yapping I expect and forgotten what

(GASPING)

Good God!

When did you buy all this?

She's bringing a cocker spaniel, not 1 01 Dalmatians

Well, it's only two weeks' supply I thought we'd better stock up

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Ah

MARGARET: Morning JEAN: Morning

I'm sorry I'm a bit late

I got chatting with Mrs Burkitt about this show I'd seen

at Pantages Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard, and lost all track of time

Good morning, Mr Meldrew You well?

-I'll just set him down here -Oh, right Oh, hang on

I think I left the back door open Just in case he makes a bolt for it

There we are

Where would you like me to put him?

Tell me this is just a joke

Sorry, Mr Meldrew?

What the bloody hell's this?

It's Mr Burkitt's dog, Nippy

Nippy?

Doesn't look very nippy from where I'm standing

-You never said it was stuffed -Didn't I?

-No, you did not -Are you sure?

I think I'd have remembered

Why would you want a dead dog that hadn't been stuffed?

It would look awful

I don't want a dead dog

Why in the name of all that's holy would I want a dead dog?

So I can throw it across the room on elastic and shout, ''Here, boy!''?

I just spent a £1 30 building a kennel out there

Why didn't you tell me it was dead?

I thought everyone knew about Nippy

He was Mr Burkitt's pride and joy,

and when he died, he couldn't bear to part with him

so he had him mounted

-Everyone in the street knew that -Well, I didn't

Well, I'm sorry

-I'm not psychic, am I? -Don't bring me into the discussion

So, that's it, then

How am I supposed to take it for walks?

Nail him to a skateboard?

I've never heard of anything so unutterably stupid

I can't Oh, God

-Mr Swainey, what is it? -It's Mother She's gone

-Gone where? -In the middle of the night, just vanished

And something else that's weird Oh, I don't know

-What? -On the front lawn,

these strange scorch marks

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear

MARGARET: Oh, God!

What a nightmare

There's no sign of her in the streets or anywhere round here We must have walked miles

And then, when we got to the police station, there was only one desk sergeant on duty

We had to wait three hours to see someone

And the traffic coming back

Poor man's out of his mind with worry, as you can imagine,

and we're going to be late for Patrick and Pippa's, and I'll just have to go as I am

Yes, I was just about to leave without you

(CHUCKLING) Dear, oh, dear

Another collection of oddities

Can you believe someone posted a glass eye through the door earlier on?

You never know what's going to come next

You had a good day, then? Doing that woman's garden?

Bit of good fresh country air, Margaret I feel ready for anything

Well, I look a wreck

You've never looked lovelier

Now, chop, chop

We mustn't keep them waiting, I'll get the wine

Oh, God!

Look, it's 7:30!

That's when we said we'd be there

Where Where are my other shoes?

Talk about your whole life flashing before you

I suppose it was too much to hope I'd seen the last of this place

The house of hell

Will you try and make the effort? Just for one evening?

Stop being so negative about them all the time It's getting right on my wick

Well, go on Ring the bell

MARGARET: Oh, who the bloody hell is that?

Margaret, we'renot too early, I hope?

Oh, God How did we get this wrong?

For goodness' sake, go in there and talk to them

I will in just a tick when I've got this open Everything's under control

Well, nice to see they've made the effort

As always

I'd imagine Salvador Dali feeling at home in this house

That stuffed dog with a truss over its head in the downstairs toilet, for example,

I think he'd find particularly restful

Now, what do you suppose I'd find if I opened this ring box?

A ring?

Not even warm

(LAUGHING) It's all a bit topsy-turvy, I'm afraid, tonight

Margaret's been out for most of the day with Mr Swainey from next door

whose mother's gone missing, I'm afraid

Oh, dear Poor soul

So, it's all been a bit of a rush But not to worry

We'll just have a nice wee drink now, and catch up on things

And, oh, incidentally, thanks very much for the other day

recommending me for that gardening job

It's worked out rather well, actually

I was over today making a start and things

and she's asked me if I can pop back tomorrow, and maybe have a go at some of the other

(DISHES BANGING)

-MARGARET: Victor! -I'll be back in a second

I couldn't help it It just slipped out

When she rang up last week to confirm that lunch,

we got chatting and she said could I recommend someone suitable

Someone who is retired maybe, who could do with a little part-time job

And you suggested Victor Meldrew?

You heard what he said It's all working out really well

For goodness' sake, stop worrying

Nothing's going to happen Victor

Victor?

Victor?

Victor?

Victor?

(DOOR OPENING)

Victor?

Where the hell have you been to?

Hmm?

It's 20 past three

Can't quite remember where I have been

Here and there

Couldn't get to sleep for some reason, I just kept lying there wide awake,

so I thought I'd go for a walk

Beautiful night out there, Margaret I've never seen the stars so bright

I'm feeling a little bit drowsy now, though

I suppose I ought to get a couple of hours in Another long day ahead of me

Want to be at my best

Well, you don't have to make a special effort, Jean But if you

(DOOR CLOSING)

Right No, no

That's fine I look forward to it Bye

I wouldn't hurry back tonight, if I were you

She's bringing her Hollywood slides over at lunch time, all 360 of them

Oh, that's a shame I'd liked to have seen those

Look at that Amazing

The suction power of this snail

I bet if I took my hand away

Oopsy-daisy

(SHRIEKING) Leave it!

Please, just go, if you're going

Sorry about that

-Bye, then -Bye

(KNOCKING)

-Come in -NICK: Mrs Meldrew

Mind your feet Glass everywhere

How are you today?

-Still no news, presumably -Yeah, that's just it She's back

I came down this morning and there she was,

sitting at the kitchen table, sipping a cup of tea, large as life

What?

-Did she say where she'd been? -Jupiter

Well, to be accurate, one of its 1 2 moons, Ganymede

Said she liked it up there so much, she decided to stay on for a day

I mean, it's part of the condition, they just go wandering off

I suppose we'll never know where she really did get to, but the main thing is, she's back

-You all right this morning? -Oh

I don't know what to think about anything any more, Mr Swainey

All this business with your mother and now

-Victor's been acting in a very odd way -How do you mean odd?

I don't know how to describe it

-Cheerful -Oh, crikey

I don't know He seems to have more life, more energy

And something you said about a glow to his face

(STAMMERING)

I just keep thinking about

that film where all the old people got younger when

I know, I'm just being barmy, but

Last night, there was this light outside the window

And those scorch marks on your grass

Something very strange is happening

I just wish I could get to the bottom of it

Sorry Really sorry about the time

There was a flock of sheep crossing the road

just as you come into the village, up there by the bend

-It took forever to get the -No problem Let's try harder next time, okay?

-Right -Everyone else is here

Andre and Tom just got in from New York, who I really want you to meet

We can throw a few things around, make sure we're all pulling in the same direction

(WIND CHIMES TINKLING)

Patrick

-Yes Sorry -Lots of ground to cover

Come on

Now, that was an interesting day

You never imagine you'll get to see all these people in the flesh

Oh, by coincidence, there was a film of his on TV the night before

Now, this one

Oh, yes, yes This one was in New York

where we stopped over for a couple of days on our way back

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Who could that be, I wonder?

Mrs Meldrew?

Detective Inspector Roy Millichope CID

Could I, erm, come in for a moment?

It's Victor, isn't it? What's happened to him?

Oh, no, it's nothing like that, Mrs Meldrew There's nothing for you to worry about

I understand a couple of days ago you found a man living in your shed?

What are you looking for?

I gather he passed himself off to your husband as some sort of vagrant with nowhere else to live

Well, that wasn't quite the whole story

I'm afraid he was on the run, Mrs Meldrew

Just over a week ago, we thought we had him cornered

round the back of Beach Hill Shopping Centre, but he managed to slip the net somehow

Couldn't find him for love nor money Reason being, he'd gone to ground in here

No sign of the house owners for a few days

Seemed a nice little hidy-hole till things blew over

Now, the constable that escorted him off the premises didn't realise

Put him in a cell to cool off

Of course, as soon as we recognised him, it all made sense

This must be the place he stashed the merchandise,

hoping he could come back and get it later

Merchandise? What sort of merchandise?

Something valuable?

Well, it's certainly not what you call cheap

We're talking a street value of £1 00,000 a kilo

Hi

Ah

How's it all going up there at the big pow-wow?

Oh, yes Just got their lunch on and set the table,

if you need a hand with anything down here for the next hour

Well, I was just about to feed the rest of those roses I didn't get round to yesterday

Well, why don't I do that? You can get on with the other

Right Okey-dokey

(SNEEZING)

-Bless you -Bless you

(LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLING)

And you're certain he took these with him when he went?

Yes I don't think this woman's exactly well stocked up with her own

What is it?

So, when he was all bright-eyed

and couldn't get to slee

Oh, God

Inspector, I think you'd better get over there now

I've got a horrible feeling that's where you'll find what you're looking for

(CAR ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Oh, for crying out loud

You ever had one them mornings?

I'll have to radio for help now

By that time, anything could have happened

Come on, I'll run you up there

-MARGARET: Are you sure? -Shouldn't take more than 1 5 minutes if we hurry

(PHONE RINGING)

4291

Yes Sorry, who?

Oh!

No, one of your men was just here

He searched right through the shed and couldn't

You're not serious?

Escaped when?

Well, I mean, he just came to the door,

said he was a Detective Inspector with the CID, and could he come

Well, I Well, I mean, without that beard and hair and everything,

he looked like a different man

A friend of mine has just given him a lift in her car

So what are you telling me?

When you say dangerous, how dangerous exactly?

I mean, I don't know if you've ever been to Los Angeles

It's such a city of contrasts

Someone said the Americans and British are divided by a common language

I think that's so true

On our first week there, we booked into this lovely little motel in Santa Monica,

and they gave us a room on the first floor

Well, of course, we lugged all our suitcases

and belongings up a flight of steps for nothing

Because in America, the first floor is the ground floor,

and our first floor they call the second floor

And then, I met this gentleman one day in JCPenney's

Oh, that's one of their big department stores

Who said he was a vet from Vietnam

So, of course, I started telling him all about my dog, Trixie

Stop the car and get out

Now

(SCREAMING)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(WHIMPERING)

(MOANING)

Someone should tell you, you're really tedious company!

(MUFFLED CRYING)

(DOG PANTING)

Horace

(JEAN WHIMPERING)

Stop that now

♪ Hey, Mr Tambourine Man

♪ Play a song for me

♪ I'm not sleepy And there ain't no place I'm going to

♪ Hey, Mr Tambourine Man

♪ Play a song for me

♪ In the jingle jangle morning I'll come following you ♪

Are you okay?

Absolutely, my dear

Have you ever driven one of those before?

Never in my life

Obviously, in the process of reintegration and streamlining, there will be some casualties

But for today, I thought we'd just interact for a few hours,

see if we're all at the same speed,

and that way make sure no one's on board who shouldn't be on board

Delegation is at the very core of good management

And that means right down the line

The staff I select for my team will be those who demonstrate

key personnel

♪ Hey, Mr Tambourine Man

♪ Play a song for me

♪ In the jingle jangle ♪

those who can detect and exploit the strengths of others,

but also, and this is even more important,

identify potential problem areas that could prove disastrous

VICTOR: I think I've gone a bit skew-whiff here!

(WHOOPING)

(VICTOR LAUGHING)

Not the summer house Please, not my new summer house

It's all right I think I got the hang of it now

I'm sorry, I didn't actually see who did it

It was Horace who found her

I think it must have been the scent of her dog on the sack,

because I am afraid he got rather carried away

And your name and address, madam?

(DOG PANTING)

Okey-dokey, everyone

How are we getting on today?

Did we find something nice to draw?

(SNIFFING)

Maybe I should have them both off and be done with it

At least it will stop me from dropping one every time I get a new job

One of Ronnie and Mildred's Christmas presents is starting to smell

Which year?

1 993 What do you suppose it is?

I shudder to think

Might throw that one out in the morning

How does your head feel now?

(GROANS)

Like two men pulling a piece of barbed wire

backwards and forwards through my ears

How people work in advertising, I'll never know

Must have steel-plated nostrils

MARGARET: Yes

(CHUCKLING)

You know, it's been a funny old couple of days all in all

Funny?

When you came back like that last night, I almost thought

Well, I don't know what I thought

Doesn't take much to get your imagination going

And then afterwards, when it's all been explained, you feel such an idiot

I mean, all that to-do about his front lawn

I told you, it was the stuff he was putting on his dandelions,

probably forgot to dilute it

Oh, and I bumped into Mrs Aylesbury opposite again this afternoon

Hmm?

Said those new security floodlights have been fixed now

It was a loose connection or something, kept making them flicker like that

That's the trouble with those things, you know

Every time a cat or a dog walks across, it just sets them off

Still, with crime the way it is

I wonder where she really did get to, next door

All that time yesterday

Awful to think she'll never be able to tell us

You think we'll get like that one day?

Yes And the sooner the better

What's the point of being sane when the entire world's completely mad?

What you don't know anything about can't worry you

Now, can you put the light out, please? It's hurting my eyes

Oh, sorry

Bit better?

You'll sleep well tonight, put it all behind you, and tomorrow will be another day

Night, night Sweet dreams

(DOG BARKING)

(CAT MEOWING)

Oh, God!

(MR TAMBOURINE MAN BY THE BYRDS PLAYING)

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