Original subtitles

MARGARET: Dear Iris, I hope you're all well

and that life is treating everyone kindly in your part of the world.

As usual, we've had our share of misfortunes this end.

Not least, the sudden death of your Auntie Ursula.

Which, I hardly need to say, came as a terrible blow to us all.

In fact, I don't imagine any of us

could possibly have foreseen the utter nightmare that was about to take hold of our lives

that night three weeks ago

as we prepared to celebrate our 37th wedding anniversary.

To begin with, the day had been unusually calm.

Victor had got himself some part-time work

doing odd jobs on a farm just outside town

and I'd been out shopping with some friends.

But by 6.:00 that evening,

trouble was already brewing.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

I'm back! Sorry I'm late

You have a good time at the farm?

If you call plodding about a ploughed field all day

looking for a wedding ring a good time, yes

My spine feels like one of Uri Geller's teaspoons

Four days on the trot he's had me out there now,

looking for that thing

Says he reckons it came off when he was planting his barley

I'll be seeing earthworms in my egg fried rice tonight

I know I will

But first, I'm going to have a nice, hot Radox bath

Don't go upstairs!

I've been slogging up and down a wet cornfield for eight hours,

knee deep in muck and manure

I've probably got bindweed growing out of my bottom

If I don't have a bath now What's wrong?

Margaret, what's happened up there?

You remember those teenagers you had an argument with

the other morning outside the pet shop?

The ones playing ten pin bowling with some garden gnomes and a tortoise?

Sadistic little yobs, and no one else had the nerve to say a dicky-bird

Well, they certainly got a piece of my mind

They haven't been here, have they, in this house?

I went out the front this afternoon and I must have forgotten to lock the back door

because when I came back, there were

Oh, God!

VICTOR: (YELLING) What in the name of bloody hell?

MAN: (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) No, no, no, I can't possibly agree

Of course a high level of toxicity would make the pathology conclusive, obviously

The hepatic culture would be essentially redundant

If you're looking at a liver the size of an orthopaedic mattress,

that's not subjectivity, it's empirically suggestive, surely

They say it might rain tomorrow

-Make it mucky on the farm for you again -Yeah

I suppose that wedding ring must be important to him

to have you out there every day hunting for it like that

I'm lucky he doesn't think it came off inside a cow or I'd be up to my elbows

MAN: Absolutely not!

So my histology supports the hypothesis, of course

But that's not to say conclusions can't be reached intuitively as well as intellectually

I mean, do you hear what I'm saying?

How was your outing with Mrs Warboys?

Did you buy up Marks & Spencer's between you?

Yes, it was a bit of an afternoon, I meant to say

We went for a coffee afterwards and met a witch

I can't get on with these things

A witch?

Yeah, you probably know him Mr Dimkins who serves in the sweet shop?

What, the man who sells me my barley sugars?

-Who told you he was a witch? -He did

And he had the head of a dead cockerel in his briefcase, he showed it to us

Anyway, we got chatting and he went through the tarot cards for us

Said I was going to have a long and peaceful life

and you were going to be visited by a plague of devils

A plague of devils?

What did he mean by that?

Something horrible and nasty was how I took it

You know, like the wrath of Lucifer

-Wrath of Lucifer? -It was just a bit of fun

How would he know you were going to come to a sudden and untimely end?

Eat your seaweed

Did he say that? A sudden and untimely end?

The things that people come out with

I don't know how you're expected

MAN: I can well recall when I was an intern in Tallahassee

that there was a woman, I think she worked in real estate,

who, while blowing up a balloon, drew too large a breath

and inhaled the balloon!

So, it became lodged in her windpipe and every time she tried to speak,

the balloon would go in and out, like that

Like the sac of a frog, which in turn made her hyperventilate,

causing it to be misdiagnosed as a goitre

Conversely, I once autopsied a hyperthyroid,

-but what I didn't know -Excuse me

Oh, that's funny, I thought for a minute this pepper pot had been bugged

and wired up to a 1 00 watt PA system

I came here tonight for a quiet meal with my wife

so would you please do our eardrums a favour, and everyone else's,

(SHOUTING) and keep your bloody voice down!

Down there

Put your head back

No!

I think I can still see a bit of chopstick up your nose

No, it's dried blood

I don't wonder people turn violent, the way you carry on

Look at this, you've got half a set meal for two down these trousers

Can't we go anywhere or do anything

without it turning in to World War III?

(PHONE RINGING)

I'll get it

(GROANS)

I don't look for it, Margaret

It's the yob culture of today

It's everywhere you go, like it or lump it

Not exactly hard to see where it comes from

when you've got a government with all the compassion of a haemorrhoid

A Prime Minister who looks as if someone's forgotten to plug him in

Yes, well, thanks for letting us know

Oh, we will, yes Bye

Leave that for tonight I'll see to it in the morning

Who was that? More bad news?

Cousin Ursula's died

Her solicitor tried to ring up while we were out apparently

Poor old soul She go peacefully?

Struck by lightning at the end of Telly Addicts.

Last night in that big storm, she'd just gone to the fridge to get an egg out

for her tea and that's when it hit her

Straight through the fanlight

Neighbour came in and found her flat on her back

with the egg frying on her forehead

Oh, dear

There'll be everything in that big house of hers, out in the country, to sort out now

I suppose it'll be down to us, she didn't have any other close relatives

I suppose Oh, what about you know who?

He can't stay there on his own now

You mean

Oh, my God!

Edwin

There's something you don't see every day

Someone's gone and nailed Claude Monet's painting the Water Lilies

to a large post in our front garden

Oh, no, I tell a lie

Something even more beautiful, it's an estate agent's board

with the word ''Sold'' along the bottom

Wonder if we should take it with us to our new home

Have it framed and placed above the mantelpiece as a reminder

that you should never give up hope

Where did this come from?

It's just a small stress-relieving device

Silly, I know, but it's been a good friend to me over the years

Amazing to think that in four days' time I may never need it again

And the words ''Victor Meldrew'' will be forever consigned to the pages of history

Like the Black Death

Oh, Lord, is that the time? I better move

Still can't get used to actually going in everyday after all these years

-To a real office -With your own secretary

-An expense account, a pension scheme -And your own secretary

-Big fan of Ronald Colman, is she? -Who?

This, whatever her name is, Christine

Where are you taking her for lunch today? Somewhere nice?

I expect we'll have a quick bite in the pub, as usual

Really? I didn't think she was old enough to go in pubs

Look, there's no rush with all this packing, you know Got till Friday

Well, I'll see you tonight, then

It's possible

Ronald Colman?

-MAN: Haven't you found it yet? -Sorry?

-The farmer's wedding ring -Oh, no Not yet

No, and you won't either He's not married

Oh, right Well, that would certainly

What do you mean, he's not married? What are you talking about?

You're the fifth one he's had this month

All the others twigged it after three days

Twigged it? Twigged what, for goodness sake?

You work it out

Where are you going?

Don't just waltz off like that Come back here Do you hear me?

And tell me what it is I'm supposed to have twigged

When I opened the larder door, he's only sitting in there

like Rodin's Thinker on a bag of potatoes

I mean, absolute worst nightmare

I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to Saturday, my first taste of freedom

Same again

-Mr Trench? -Hmm

Can we talk somewhere?

This is gonna sound so naff and girly

It's just that when I feel strongly about a person,

-I'm not gonna let them go, whatever happens -Right

I mean, I know you're a married man

and I'm living with this bloke, I think I told you about him, Melvin,

works at the Bald Bear Inn

Well, he's been seeing other women

And, I mean, I've got needs and emotions as well and I

I can't say it, you're gonna think I'm being so stupid

No, no, don't be silly

I told him

that you and I were sleeping together in the stationery cupboard

Well, not sleeping, you know

having it off, every night after work

(WHISPERING) Having it off in the stationery cupboard?

How could you do that?

Well, spread some Jiffy bags on the floor and, well, you get on top and

No, I mean, how could you lie to him like that?

Oh, I know Oh, it's insane

I mean, someone your age, sick

I mean, I just wanted to make him jealous,

to show him I couldn't be taken for granted

Well, I never thought he'd take it that seriously

I mean, to say he was gonna kill you

He said what?

Oh, he's all mouth, him, don't worry

He's never killed anybody in his life

Oh, good

Not killed them exactly

I mean, he was never really that violent before they put him away

See, that is the trouble with prisons, you learn bad habits

Obviously, I've told him it was all just a wind-up, but he won't believe me

He's got it all locked inside there now

As far as he's concerned, you're dead

I think I've made a bit of a mess of things, haven't I?

Anyway, look, thanks for the drink

and, well, see you around, eh?

Okay

Well, thanks very much indeed Bye

Afternoon

I wondered if you could do anything with this

There's no way it's gonna survive the move so I thought, perhaps,

your magic touch, you might be able to coax some life back into it

Well, I'll give it a go Thanks very much

You all set now, then?

Getting there Slowly but surely

It's unpacking it all the other end I'm dreading

Well, you know, I said I'd come over and give you a hand

Oh, you sure?

'Cause Patrick will be as much use as a glass buttock

That'll be a godsend

You all right? You're looking a bit fretty

Well, I've just been talking to a witch

What, that bloke at the sweet shop

who puts sticks of liquorice out in the sign of a pentagram?

He told me yesterday that I was going to live a long and peaceful life

and Victor was going to come to a sudden, untimely end

Well, I mean, I know it's all twaddle, but

Well, I just rang him up and said could he be more specific

And he said under no circumstances should Victor go on any long journeys this weekend

because that's when it would happen

-Oh, it's all poppycock -I know

He's not going on any long journeys, is he?

Well, we did talk about driving up to my cousin Ursula's

in the country on Saturday You remember, the one who just died?

I've got a whole house full of junk up there to dispose of now, somehow or other

All her documents and her paperwork to sort through

And not to mention the dreaded Edwin

Who's Edwin?

-Well -VICTOR: Can you credit it?

(DOOR SLAMMING SHUT)

I mean, can you begin to credit it?

You're back early Did he give you the afternoon off?

Toffee-nosed farmer I'll give him the afternoon off

I mean, you're employed as an odd job man

and you expect the jobs to be a bit odd, but not that

Five days out there traipsing up and down that field

thinking I was looking for a wedding ring Do you know what it was all about?

He was only using me as a scarecrow!

I got one of the tractor drivers to tell me in the end

Apparently, the wooden ones are no good anymore

The birds just perch on the arm

That's why he put me in this big white coat, if you please

To make sure that I'd be seen by the rooks

Sorry?

I mean, that has to be my best career move yet, doesn't it?

I always knew that degree course I took at Worzel Gummidge College, Cambridge,

would pay off eventually

Yes?

(PHONE RINGING)

4291 Yes

Oh, well, you nearly didn't

Gone outside and found the zip in these trousers had gone

So I've come back Yes, I've got the keys

Thought I'd pop into town for a bit of food first

Tide me over in case there's nothing in the fridge when I get there

Where did you say you were going after you've had your hair done?

Ah, yes You said

Their removal van's just arriving actually

So, I expect that they'll be

Oh, for crying out loud!

What? I'll tell you what's the matter now

Those yobs who were in here the other night, they've only been at my trousers

You know what this'll be, because I made that remark

about the tears in their jeans

Bastards, I'll skin them alive

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, there's someone at the door now

(YELLING) Coming!

Did he say come in?

This can't be right, can it?

1 9 River Bank

Are you coming up then or what?

No, I'm happy on my own

I just wondered if you'd changed your mind about Monday

I'm off now then, I'll see you when I get back

REMOVAL MAN: Okey-doke Mind how you go, the road's beginning to ice-up out there

VICTOR: I will

VICTOR: What in the name of hell do you think you're doing?

What, am I running a bloody transport cafe in the bedroom now?

If I'd known you were coming, I'd have put some Daddies Sauce on the dressing table

Go on, get out, the pair of you, for crying out loud

That your van outside? Tunstall and Gridley?

-Yeah -Well, you've got the wrong address, haven't you?

It's next door you want Number 1 7

When you've quite finished using my house as multi-storey ashtray

I said it didn't feel right, didn't I?

Why do I get the feeling it's going to be one of those days?

I suppose it might just be bluster, but you never know with some people

Wonder if these brussels will be all right when they get there

And he's already been sent to prison for violent crime

I don't know what the man's capable of

Or should I just throw them away now and be done with it?

Are you listening to me?

I've just been issued with a fatwa by my secretary's psychopathic boyfriend

and all you're worried about is a bag of sprouts

Well, perhaps that'll teach you to be more careful where you dip your wick in future

Well, are you going into town today for my shopping or not?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Ah

Dip my wick? What are you talking about, woman?

Morning, all packed up for you, ready to go

The curtains are staying, and so is the cooker

-Apart from that, it's all yours -What about your husband?

-You taking him as well? -Only if you've got room

You can stick him in the tea chest with the frying pans

Look, we had a few drinks together

Now, you've got the new address

-And I think we said £4 75, didn't we? -Right

Do you hear me? Nothing happened Why can't you get that into your skull?

Patrick, I could smell her perfume on your breath

Smell her per

Mad!

Utterly shot away to buggery

I can't talk to her anymore

We thought that bloke next door was an headcase

Must be something in the local water supply

The big day for you today, then?

Yeah

Well, I expect we'll be bumping into each other again, from time to time

Who can tell, Mr Meldrew?

VICTOR: Oh, my God! Isn't that bloody typical!

Left my bottle of whisky at the checkout

Anyway, good luck with it all

Yes, yes, thank you very much

Don't even think about screaming

-You must be Melvin -And you must be Patrick

I never touched her, I swear to God Look, she just made all that up

Are you calling my girlfriend a liar?

Not in a substantive sense, necessarily, but it's just, we didn't do anything

-I mean, nothing happened -You'd love me to believe that, wouldn't you?

-Look -In the boot

What?

Let's settle this somewhere a bit less public

-Now, do it! -What

-Get in -No, but you don't understand

-One more word and you're filleted -You don't understand, this isn't

I'm telling you, make one noise, it will be your last

(SIGHING)

Well, that's the limit, isn't it?

Taking the lavatory seat with you

I wonder if they've left the light bulb

-Some people! -And did you read this?

''Welcome to your new home

''Don't worry about the holes in the back garden

''That's where we dug up the daffodil bulbs

''Also, have taken the brass number 1 6 off the front door

''as our new address is 91

''and we can use it again upside down Best wishes, the Pinnocks

''PS The gas fire in the lounge

''will light at the 2 3rd attempt''

Well, I think we'd better give it a try, don't you?

-It's got very nippy all of a sudden -Yes

It's trying to snow already, look

They said it'd turn nasty around lunch time

Especially up north

Isn't that where Victor's gone?

VICTOR: Oh, come on, come on

You're here somewhere, I know you are

Where the bloody hell has that turning gone to?

(HORN BLARING)

You bastard! You shouldn't be on the bloody road!

Only half a mile to go as well I mean, I just do not

(TAPPING)

VICTOR: Oh, God!

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, God!

-What the hell are you doing in there? -Don't ask

Don't ask?

I'm 75 miles from home in the middle of nowhere

and you leap out of the boot and start squirting at me with toilet freshener,

I think I'm entitled to some explanation

Someone thinks I'm having an affair with his girlfriend

He thought this was my car so he made me get in

Naturally, I thought he'd brought me up here to

-God, I can hardly breathe -Well, can you walk?

-To where? -That place up there

It belongs to Margaret's cousin, who's just died

I've come up to sort through all the stuff she's left

Look, the sooner we get inside and out of all this, the better

You go on, I'll catch you up Here

-Oh, by the way -What?

Watch out in this field I seem to remember that there's a

(PATRICK EXCLAIMING)

You were a long time Did you get through?

Apparently, the van broke down on the ring road

(SIGHING) Flat battery or something

Said somebody's working on it and hopefully they'll be here within the hour

(SIGHING)

So, still no sign of Patrick, then?

He only went into town for a few odds and ends

What's happening to everyone this afternoon?

Is there any heating in this place? I think I was warmer in the bliz Oh, God!

-What is it? -Uh, behind you

-Sorry? -On the wall, behind you, Mr Meldrew

What? You mean this painting of a spi

Don't even say the word

What?

-Please -What?

Spider?

-Thank you, thank you very much indeed -It's one of Ursula's wildlife studies

She was always into her natural history And, of course, he was a great outdoors man

Fishing, rock climbing, mountaineering

-Are you all right? -I can't look at them, I'm sorry

I can't even think about them It's been the same all my life

Oh, dear

What, do you mean like in that film, Arachnophobia?

Did you ever see that?

Yes, I'm hardly

I'm hardly likely, suffering from a pathological fear of spiders,

to have gone to see a film called Arachnophobia, am I, Mr Meldrew?

Any more than a man with hay fever would stuff a dandelion up his nose

I suppose not Well, I'll just put it down here, out of the way

Kids have been throwing stones at the windows

I'll see if I can find a shovel or something

Oh, my God!

Where have you got to?

Edwin?

Edwin?

This What's her name, Ursula,

you say she lived here on her own?

Hmm?

Oh!

Since her husband died, Walter, about two years ago

I was wondering if there might be some old

clothing of his I could change into

I'm sure Could be one of his old suits about, it's more than likely

Right

(SIGHING)

God Almighty!

Oh, my God!

-Oh! -Can I come in?

Oh, do you have to go this second?

Mr Meldrew, there's already enough permafrost in my underpants

to keep a leg of lamb fresh for a month

And standing by a lavatory, passing icicles, does not come high on my list

-of favourite sensations, so if you could -It's out of order!

What?

(STAMMERING) The pipe must have frozen or something

It won't flush Why don't you use the one downstairs

and I'll get a bath running?

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(VICTOR TUTTING)

The address is 1 6 Gallipoli Gardens, yes

Yes, if you could tell her that I spent the morning in the boot of a car

inhaling a rancid Wellington,

and the afternoon up to my ears in a frozen duck pond

That I'm now in a deserted old house with a madman who

Actually, just say madman, she'll know who it is

And that it's currently snowing in the sitting room

Otherwise, everything's fine and I'll talk to her soon

I'd appreciate that Thank you Goodbye

Must have been more tired than I thought

Got out of that bath and fell fast asleep on the bed

So I noticed

I take it it was you that made that towel in there all soaking wet

-Do you ever use a flannel at home? -What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you get the worst of the water off first with your flannel and wring it all out

Then you use a towel to dab off the final drops

It is a well known fact

Is it? And there was me with this cockeyed notion that a towel was for drying yourself with

-Oh, you buy this mince, do you? -What's wrong with it? It's extra lean

You can get super lean now at Tesco's This is 1 0% fat

-Super lean's only 5% -It's a perfectly good mince

It's the one I always use

If you want a job, you can start on those onions

-How many? -Two should be enough

And use the rubber gloves You don't chop up onions with your bare hands,

surely to goodness

-And why not? -Why not?

'Cause in three weeks' time when you pick your nose,

you'll still be able to smell them on your fingers

Don't you know anything about cooking?

I know how to chop an onion, thank you very much

Go easy on those crisps

From the look of it out there, we could be stuck here for weeks

Well, thanks ever so much for letting us know Thank you Bye

Well, that's a relief anyway At least you know he's safe and sound

And they found your car

We can go and pick that up, once the others have got here

For goodness sake, how long does it take to change a battery?

-What's that? -It just came through the door

Oh, it's to you

''Dear Mrs Meldrew, enclosed please find £4 75

''as agreed in cash settlement

''With compliments, Tunstall and Gridley''

Tunstall and Gridley? They didn't

When the van came this morning,

you didn't

Oh, no

Double four

Now where are we?

(SLURRING) I'm going to move these two here

and these two here

Right

Five and one

-Tricky -It is tricky

You know, it's been nice that we've had this little bit of time together

Don't you think? In the end? I was just saying to Margaret yesterday,

I'm going to miss Pitrick and Pappa

Pitrick and What is it?

-Patrick and Pippa -That's right

Paprik and Pitter

Sounds like Sounds like a Hungarian sandwich,

if you ask me

Did you see what I

I used the wrong glass!

(PHONE RINGING)

I'll get it

Oh, dear

(LAUGHING)

Hello

Yes, he is, he's right here beside me at this very minute

How is the weather at your end?

Never mind the bloody weather

Do I gather that two removal men called round our house this morning

and you sent them next door because they got the wrong address?

Don't remind me

That was another cock-up narrowly averted if ever there was one

It wasn't a cock-up

-What? -They'd got the right address

They weren't removal men

They were the people I rang up about Ursula's house

Don't you remember? I got them out of Yellow Pages the other morning,

Tunstall and Gridley?

They were a house clearance firm!

A house clear

I didn't go into details at the time, they were a bit busy

They said they would call round one day this week to see exactly what needed to be

(YELLING)

The removal van has been stuck on the ring road all morning

What else were Patrick and Pippa supposed to think

when those two bloody cowboys turned up?

All we've got is a mobile number, which isn't working

So now we can't get hold of them for love nor money

They could be anywhere

Right

Well, I'll Will you? Yes, okay, well, yeah

Thanks for ringing then, bye

-Everything fine back at base camp? -Hmm?

Well, there There's been a slight hiccup, evidently,

on your removal operation

It appears that, due to an error on my part,

the men who came to your house this morning

weren't in fact removal men after all

They were from one of those house clearance places, of all things

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

And they've taken your furniture away

to be sold in a junk shop

Nobody Nobody seems to know quite where, unfortunately

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

So, whose go is it? Is it yours or mine?

MARGARET: Are you sure you shouldn't stay over?

Just till the morning? The way those roads were coming up

No, thank you, no If necessary, we'll find a hotel

You're very welcome to the big bedroom up there

Mr Meldrew, on balance, I'd rather stick my head up an elephant

Ah, furniture, I remember that

How are you feeling now anyway?

I'll be feeling a damn sight better once we've got in touch with the people

-who waltzed off with the entire -Hi! Can I help you at all?

This is a hotel, is it?

It most certainly is My name's Lorna What can I do for

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Sorry, just let me close this

So we can hear ourselves think

We've got a private function on tonight

People come here for a good time and we make sure they get one

Now, you want a room

Well, all I seem to have free is the honeymoon suite

Oh

(WHISPERING) That'd be nice, wouldn't it?

Yes? It is a bit special

And you look like a couple who'd make the most of it

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm being a bit naughty

Not necessarily How much is it?

Well, let me see if I can work you out a special rate

This is a bit good for 50 quid

It's romantic really

I wonder if we ought to make it two nights?

We might not have any option

Oh, you know what the police said

They're hardly going to do anything with our stuff on a Sunday

I'm sure they'll track it all down in a couple of

Oh

Ooh

Look at this

''To enhance your enjoyment

''Anything else you need is under the pillow''

God, they have thought of everything

Patrick, I know I've been a pain these last few weeks

It'd be nice if tonight we could make up for all that

As far as I'm concerned, you could even keep that ridiculous looking mus

Yes?

Come here

I think we're going to need some ice

I'll be two seconds

(LIFT BELL DINGING)

(LAUGHING)

-Oops! Oh, dear -I beg your pardon

-Don't worry about it, everyone's cool tonight -Are they?

Hey, where are you going?

-You're going to miss all the action -Hmm?

Looks like being a good one Lorna said I don't know where they're from

Last minute arrivals or something

We were wondering if the bed was still going

I'm going to take a couple of Valium tonight, to hell with it

It's in that toiletry bag in the back seat

I'll have the rest of the bottle

-Are they okay? -Oh, I think so

The things that go on in some of these hotels

We don't know the half of it

If you're talking about a plague of devils, that man certainly had his share this weekend

God knows what he'd have done

if he'd known there was a live bird-eating spider on the premises

I just hope you've locked up that tank properly when you put him back in

What if he manages to squeeze his way out again somehow?

Oh, stop worrying and go to sleep

My God!

The coppers were so helpful

when I told them about my missing brother-in-law

Gave me directions up here and everything

Look, I told you nothing happened with me and Christine

You are dead, mate

PATRICK: Why don't you believe me? We never did anything

-God! -What's up in there now?

-PATRICK: I promise you Honestly -This business with his secretary

I thought they'd got it all sorted out

PATRICK: Listen to me, I never laid a finger on her Please, just try and understand

(PATRICK GROANING)

-For goodness sake! -Leave it and just let them sort it out themselves

(GLASS SHATTERING)

PATRICK: Pippa!

Just as well they have moved if they're going to carry on like this every bloody night

Look, I've got no reason to lie to you She doesn't even fancy me in the first place

She won't fancy you any place after tonight

Just let them be It's got nothing to do with us

But it's ridiculous I mean, what is she doing to him in there?

PATRICK: Oh, God! No!

It's all gone quiet now

Oh, my God!

What the hell's happened?

Oh, my God!

Is the door locked? I think all the keys are the same in this place

I'm being strang

(GASPING)

Here

All right

MARGARET: Oh! VICTOR: What? God!

-God! -Get out of here now!

MARGARET: Victor!

Victor!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

No, you can't Oh, please, dear God, no

(CRYING) No, don't let it be Victor

-Oh, my God! -Call for an ambulance!

(PIPPA GASPS)

Anyway, Iris, the light will be going soon

and it's starting to get a bit chilly.

So I expect I'll finish this later, when I get home.

VICTOR: (ECHOING) I don't believe it!

I mean, how can anyone miss a shot like that?

It's always the same with Jimmy White in a final,

completely goes to pieces

Oh, here's that weird angle again

When you think the ball's going to shoot out of the screen and whack you in the eye

(SNOOKER BALLS CLACKING)

Got these miniature cameras everywhere in sport now

Goal posts, cricket stumps

I suppose they'll be sticking one up Willie Carson's bottom before long,

so they get all the other horses coming up behind him

You were a long time in the end

Popped down the cemetery to put some flowers on your dad's grave

Then I got writing that letter to Iris

and time just seemed to slip away

You tell her about all that business at Ursula's and the witch?

-Yes -The character who said

I'd be dead within five days, shot his theory down in flames

I suppose they can't get everything right

Said I was going to live a long and peaceful life

Peaceful enough tonight

Yes

(SNAPPING)

Oh, for the love of Listen to that!

That bloody snapping noise has started up again now

The one that sounds like Indiana Jones inside the set,

cracking his whip every five seconds

Two days after they fixed it!

I've just about had it

Come round here, resting their soldering irons on your glasses

If you ask me, I don't think Hello!

Is that the service department?

I heard that in the background

Yes, you can tell her it is the bald old bugger with the attitude problem

And I'm still likely to have the way your service department carries on

Never mind going back to being a scarecrow

If you spent less time gossiping

and more time repairing people's equipment, we might start to get somewhere

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #

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