Original subtitles

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

Unbelievable!

I mean, look at that

Wandering about in his bedroom without a stitch on

Naked as the day he was born

Talk about being an exhibitionist

I thought he'd one of those balloon animals tied to his waist at first

Well, they've made a complete pig's breakfast of that new shower

As I knew they would

It takes you half an hour to get the right temperature

and then, if you so much as flush the loo,

it turns into a blast furnace

Hmm-mmm

And I thought we bought those glasses for Ronnie's birthday

when you've quite finished steaming up the lenses

I haven't finished wrapping them yet for Thursday so mind what you're doing

Yes

What did I just say?

You said that we Hmm?

I might as well talk to a tin of spam

What time's your appointment with the dentist this morning?

1 1 :30

Thank God for that

I've seen enough of those temporary crowns to last me a lifetime

It's like being kissed good night by Bugs Bunny

Oh, was there anything in the post, by the way, about that job?

Just the phone bill

And a letter from Reader's Digest saying we've both become millionaires

I don't suppose I'll get it anyway for one

Oh, hang on

He's got one of those little trampoline things out now

Surely he's going to put some underpants on before he starts bouncing

Oh, I don't

Look at that!

I don't think I can watch much more of this, I really don't

NICK: Good morning, Mrs Meldrew

Not quite so breezy out here now, is it?

Morning, Mr Swainey

Your mother's still into her fly-fishing, then?

Yeah, it'll be another five-minute wonder, I expect

There's part of you wants to try and drum it into her

we don't live in that big house by the river anymore

It was 1 0 years ago

Still, if it gives her pleasure

-It seems a shame to shatter her illusions -That's right

(BLOWING DUCK WHISTLE)

And it certainly doesn't make things easy

Of course, we've got the nurse now who pops around three times a week

She's an absolute godsend, I must say

Oh, incidentally, there's something I've been meaning to ask you, Mrs Meldrew

We are holding a sponsored silly walk for dialysis at the end of the week

I couldn't get you to sign my form, for say, 5p a mile,

if it's not being too cheeky?

Of course, I'd be glad to

That's very kind of you I'll pop it round

Good morning, Nick How are you?

Hello, Tania Very well indeed, thank you

Good That's the ticket, then, isn't it?

Right

We'll sort the other out, then, later on

Yes

Yeah, yeah Bye-bye, Mrs Meldrew

Bye, Mr Swainey

(VICTOR HOWLING)

I don't think it's serious He was only in there a couple of seconds

But if you could just give us your professional opinion

Victor, this is Tania, the nurse who looks after Mrs Swainey next door

Good morning, Mr Meldrew

-How does it feel? -Oh

-Still burning like billy-o, I bet -Yes

Now don't flinch, I'm just going to take a little look and then Oh!

Oh, what is it?

I didn't know you could buy these ready minted

What a great idea!

-Well, at Asda you can -Really?

-And, I think, Tesco's do their version -Well, I never

-But I've never seen them in Sainsbury's -Yes! Yes! Excuse me!

What about my back? Will I need a skin graft or what?

Nothing like that, Mr Meldrew

Your bottom half's a bit red, that's all

What I'll do is, I'll dab a little something on to stop the stinging

and you should be fine

Oh Ah

Right

Well, I'll leave you and the singing detective here to it, then

Thank you

(VICTOR MOANING)

(PHONE RINGING)

4291

Oh, speaking

Oh

Right

Yes

Oh, right

Thank you for letting me know Bye

Bad news?

Oh, just a job I went up for last week, driving a baker's van

Had about as much chance as becoming chief rabbi

Ah!

Mrs Meldrew, I brought that form for you to fill in for Friday,

-if you're still interested -Oh, yes, of course

Right Where are we?

How is Mr Meldrew up there? Still suffering?

Not as much as I would've liked No, but

Well, let's be reckless and say 20p

Oh, thank you very much indeed

Fine, that's me off now then, I think

Perhaps get a bite to eat somewhere

Oh, right Actually, I was thinking of popping out for some lunch myself,

-in a minute or two -Really?

Yeah Um

Well

Fine

Well, uh, hope you find somewhere nice

-Yes You, too -Yes

And I'll see you Wednesday, I expect

-Bye, Mrs Meldrew -Oh, bye, Tania Thanks very much

-Pleasure Bye-bye -Bye, Tania

(DOOR CLOSING)

Mr Swainey!

Sorry

Are you blind?

She was dying for you to ask her out

When?

Oh, no I'm afraid I'm not in her league, someone like that

Don't be utterly ridiculous

She was just desperate for you to make the first move, that's all

Well, I'd love to believe that, Mrs Meldrew,

but life's never that wonderful, is it?

Anyway, thanks for the sponsorship and everything

I'll let you know how we get on and got to rush now Bye

Well, you were a long while How are they looking?

Very good

Except for the X-ray of this dodgy one, down at the bottom

I've got to go back on Friday now, for an extraction

Here, I got most of the things in the shopping list

It took me ages to find this bloody Polish sherry

I had to go to 1 0 different shops

(PHONE RINGING)

Polish sherry?

Cor Poland can bloody well keep it

Oh, and he's forgotten to get my polish

And I wrote it down plainly in a

That was an interesting one

A call from a chap who had heard I was looking for some work as a driver

Lewis Atterbury

Lives in one of those new houses out near Coblesham by that big military base

He said if I wanted to pop round this afternoon,

he might be able to put some work my way

So that sounds quite hopeful, doesn't it?

What?

What?

Polish sherry!

What?

Well, it'll mainly be a case of running me into the office,

one or two meetings out of town occasionally

Plus any other errands, of course, which crop up as and when

How is it feeling, by the way?

-Good fit, surprisingly -Yes, it's very comfortable

Thank you, Mr Atterbury

Call me Lewis, I can't abide formalities

Now, time, I think, to introduce you to my three children

VICTOR: Oh, right

Very nice

''Very'' and ''nice'', Victor, are not words we use to describe these three pieces of machinery

They are the Holy Trinity of internal combustion

As you'll discover when you get behind the wheel

Sorry about the mess

Girlfriend and I were at a rather wild party in Oxfordshire on Sunday night

Oh, right

So I see

(NO PARTICULAR PLACE TO GO PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

Bloody rugby players

You are lucky you still got a job at all, the way you carry on

Picking fights with every single person you meet

I do not pick fights with every person I meet

No! That's why that man in the pub snapped off both your front teeth the other week

Like a protective tab on a video cassette

All over a packet of cheese and onion crisps

I'll either have to get a bigger hat or have my head taken in

Oh, 1 2:30, I'll have to move

I've got to be at the airport at 4:00

Oh, where's he going today?

Nowhere His parents are coming down from Scotland for the weekend

so he wants me to pick them up

You haven't forgotten we're going to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight?

I try to forget we're going to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight,

like you try to forget you're going to die, but it doesn't work

I wonder what hideous novelties they have brought back from their holidays this year

Another souvenir photograph printed on the back of a lavatory seat?

I can't believe that pair sometimes

She rang me up earlier, in a bit of a state, because the builders still haven't finished

You know they're having all that foundation work done on their extension

And I was silly enough to let slip that I wasn't doing anything this afternoon,

so she's invited me over beforehand to give her a hand with the food

Good You can make sure the chicken soup doesn't have feathers in it this time

-I'll see you there at 7:00, right? -Yes, bye!

Right

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

-Anyone in? -Hello

I can't stop long, I've got to bury Auntie Sis at half past

-Oh, no -But I just wanted to say

-That was sudden When did she die? -Oh, Saturday afternoon

Yeah, she was attacked by an albatross in a hot air balloon

All a bit nasty, I'm afraid, she fell out of the basket

and landed on a tennis court in Droitwich, right in the middle of a tie-break

-Oh, good God! -Yeah, play had to be suspended

for half an hour while they disentangled her from the net

So, a bit of an undignified exit really for the poor old soul, but

No, actually, I wanted to thank you for the other day

You know what you said about Tania and everything

Only, I gave her a ring last night and asked if she would like to join us on Friday

for the sponsored silly walk

And I couldn't believe it, she said yes, she'd loved to

I mean, yeah, I know it doesn't mean anything in itself but, well, anyway,

I just wanted you to know

What did I tell you? Now this could be your big chance,

-make sure you don't blow it -Yeah

Well, I'll keep you posted anyway, and thanks

Hmm

This Polish sherry is rather delicious

-Mildred -Oh, thank you

Hmm, yes Where did you get it, Margaret? We'll have to stock up

I'm not sure You better ask Victor when he gets here

These are just slops, aren't they? I'll put them in your bin

Oh!

Don't try and go in there, Margaret You'll break your neck

She'll break her neck, Mildred

It's a 1 0-foot drop

Two months now they've been digging I think we were better off with the subsidence

Perhaps I'll just put them down the loo

What time are we expecting your hubby, Margaret?

Oh, I said about 7:00, all being well

He's got to collect some people from the airport

MILDRED: Oh, I hope he doesn't hurry here and have an accident

I don't imagine he'll be hurrying

No

So, you come and stay with your son very often, then?

Three or four times a year, I suppose, on average

The traffic on that ring road never seems to get any better

I'm just wondering if we shouldn't just drop these two off

and then go straight to the restaurant

MAN: I tend to agree

Do you know the big hotel near here called Abbey Grange?

-Oh, yes -I don't want to risk losing

that table tonight of all nights

-A special occasion, is it, or -Our anniversary, actually

Oh, congratulations

I had hoped we might persuade Lewis to join us for once

-I don't think so -No, you're right

It looks as if he's already out

Sowing his oats again, as usual

Shh! They're here

Come, everybody In the conservatory, come on

Come on Quick Quick, quick, quick

Through the hall Come on Hurry

Find your way through Everybody in front, go on

Go on, you're not here to enjoy yourself Quick

Now I want total silence from everybody I don't want to hear a word out of any of you!

(MEOWING)

No, no, no No, you don't

Just you behave yourselves

LEWIS: Hello?

Hello?

(HONKING)

Thank you very much Leaving me to man the fort all this time

I'm sorry They asked me to take them on to this restaurant

and I've got to go back and collect them at around 1 2:00

So, I don't fancy leaving this out in the open,

after what happened to the last one

Everything all right out there?

He's just going to put Mr Atterbury's car in your garage for a few hours,

if that's all right

Victor! No! No!

It hasn't got a floor!

(CRASHING)

VICTOR: I don't believe it!

I wouldn't worry about it, Victor

Our son is a very tolerant and understanding person

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Just pray he's gone to bed early

Yes

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

On the other hand

But still, look at it on the bright side

The breakdown people managed to haul it out without making

hardly any scratch on the front, so

Just excuse me a moment, would you, please?

Darling!

Put that down

Oh, come on Look, it's very late and we're all very tired,

so don't do anything silly, all right?

When you told me this man wanted a job,

you didn't tell me he was a demolition expert

Why don't you just go up to bed and have a good night's sleep?

We'll talk to the insurance people in the morning

Thank you I didn't realise, actually, it was you that had

Yes

Not to worry, Mr Meldrew

I mean, all is not lost

We've still got the Jag left

Yes, I've just dropped him off at the bank and now I'm on my way to the dentist

So, it's all working out quite well

Sorry, what?

No, not at all He seems fine

Surprisingly

I don't know what she said to him last night, or did

No sign of any footprints on the windscreen this morning at any rate

Right, yes

Well, good luck with your appointment

Yes

And I'll see you later Bye

Afternoon, Mrs Meldrew Are you well?

Yes, thank you, Mr Swainey

Are you all ready for the off, then?

Yes, yes A 3:30 start outside St Luke's, just around the corner

Tania said she'd meet me there so I'd

About Tania

And I've got everything planned for this evening

I managed to get two tickets for that new Eddie Murphy film

And afterwards, I thought she might like to go

to this nice little Italian restaurant, which is right next to

Yes, Mr Swainey,

I'm afraid Victor and I ran into Tania,

last night actually

It was at this big party at someone's house

and she was there with

Yes Right

I see

Thank you, Mrs Meldrew, I understand

I'm sorry, Mr Swainey, I didn't

No, no, no, it's

Well, thanks for all your help anyway

I feel so awful

Especially after we

I mean

You were right

Yeah

Well, I'll see you later

Life's never that wonderful

Karen, could you just give me a quick hand with this thing, please?

Okay

Sorry about that, Mr Meldrew, our equipment's all blowing up this morning

You can close it now, you're all done with

I should keep the cotton wool plug in there for about half an hour

Any minor pain once the numbing wears off, just take a couple of aspirin

Mmm-hmm

Mmm

No, no, the car appears to be still in one piece,

for the moment but

Yeah, okay, I will Bye

How is the tooth feeling by the way?

Oh, my jaw seems to be throbbing quite a lot for some reason

Don't take your eyes off the road

No, sorry, I was just

Perhaps if I can get rid of this thing now, I might

Ah!

Oh, my God Almighty!

What's it doing? What was that?

(VICTOR HOWLING)

Oh, my God!

What is that thing?

(STUTTERING)

A bee in the car, Mr Lewis!

Never mind the bee, watch where you're going!

Oh, God! Put For God's sake, put your foot on the brake

Sorry about that

I think this time we've been lucky, actually

I can't see any damage Can you?

(ENGINE HUMMING)

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0