Original subtitles

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

(COUGHING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

4291

Oh, hello, Jean No, no, just out the back

Putting Victor's spaghetti vongole through the incinerator

No, we've tried putting it in the bin The dustmen won't touch it

Not after last Monday's episode with the lobster curry

Said it clogged up their crusher for a week

Oh! Not the effect it had on me, I can tell you

Oh, hideous, Jean

Ever since he bought this seafood cookery book,

every mealtime has been like The Quatermass Experiment.

Clams exploding in the microwave, God knows what

Oh, God, no I've put a stop to it now, don't you worry about that

He won't be trying anymore of those concoctions, let me tell you

Anyway, did you get my

Oh, lovely

Yes, you can bring it the next time I see you Thanks very much, Jean Bye

Oh, for God's sake No, Victor Now, I've told you

When did you fish this back out, for goodness sake?

I've told you I am having no more of it

I was just going to do a little bit of poached salmon for lunch

Nothing complicated Nothing that's going to smell

That's what you said about the squid in the Stilton sauce

and they had half the road up outside looking for a gas leak

Just leave it alone and go and read your newspaper before I go off my rocker

(SIGHING)

And anyway, you won't be wanting much lunch if you're having your meal with Patrick tonight

Don't remind me

And you're not backing out of it so don't start that

Now that Pippa and I finally got you to the negotiating table,

you can have a nice bottle of wine between you and start behaving

like a couple of grown-up human beings for a change

Do you hear me?

Have I got these socks on inside out?

Do you hear me?

Yes

VICTOR: Never again

As long as I live

What's happened here? Not another bloody power cut

Before you even ask how it went, I do not want to talk about it

I've never been so humiliated in all my natural born days

Do you know what happened when we got there, hmm?

Yes, well, I don't want to talk about it

Bloody Armenian restaurant, not one of them spoke a word of English

Can you believe what they did? Margaret, are you asleep?

Good, 'cause I don't want to talk about it

(CRASHING)

VICTOR: Bugger it!

Look, I've said I'm sorry

In any case, whose idea was it to pick an Armenian restaurant in the first place?

-Yours -Oh, was it?

And correct me if I'm wrong,

but it was you that rang up and asked for a nice, intimate little table

where two people could be alone together to discuss some personal affairs

I can't remember if I used those words exactly

Well, whatever words you used, one fact remains, doesn't it?

The entire staff and management were under the hideous impression

that Mr Meldrew and I were secret lovers

A hypothesis so grisly, it fair curdles the blood

It was bad enough when they brought us one bowl of soup with two spoons

Though, strangely, the full horror of the situation didn't become clear until the next course

when a long complimentary sausage arrived at the table,

which we were then forced to nibble from each end

until our lips met in the middle, like Lady and the Tramp.

Why didn't you say something?

I'm afraid anything we attempted to say was largely academic

once the gypsy violinist started serenading us with Armenian love songs

It would have been cruel just to tell him to bugger off,

so we told him to bugger off

I don't know, there's always something, isn't there?

PATRICK: Yes

Although, for maximum embarrassment it would be hard to top the moment

when the waiter came over and in front of the entire restaurant,

I can only assume he was attempting to say, ''Do you both love pork?''

And not as it came out in his mangled English, ''Do you both have sex with pigs?''

We did attempt to leave at that point,

not before they'd forced us to pose for some romantic photographs,

holding hands across the table

PIPPA: That's quite sweet, really

Quite sweet? Have you taken leave of your senses?

Thirty people in that restaurant tonight think Victor Meldrew and I are sleeping together

Six inches of brick wall, that's all that's separating us

Thank God for a couple of days in the country at your brother's place

What time's he expecting us on Friday?

He's coming round in the morning for coffee I said we'd firm up the arrangements then

I shudder to think what dreams I'm gonna have tonight

about that sausage

Is that the time?

And we're supposed to be clearing the loft this morning,

or had you forgotten?

Another few days of disruption to look forward to

Oh, what the hell has been going on in here?

Oh, Victor, what on earth?

What is it?

When you washed your face in the dark last night,

you opened one of those new little packets of soap in the bathroom cupboard, did you?

-Yes Why? -Wrong

You opened a new little packet of Tesco's toilet flush

And it's all over the towel and the face flannel and the pillow and

Oh, get up Look what you've done!

I'm sorry about that

What are you rushing about for, anyway, like a bat out of hell?

Because it's 9:30 nearly

and they're coming to start the loft conversion at 1 2:00

That cranky couple of yours, the McKendrick brothers

That's if they bother to turn up this time

They'll turn up, they're generally very reliable

Don't know what you've got against the pair of them anyway

One of them's gone deaf from a pneumatic drill

and the other has an extremely weird sense of humour

I think he's very funny

You would

Okay, I've got it Is that everything, then?

No more of Ronnie and Mildred's Christmas presents up there, are there?

Not that I can see

(VICTOR LAUGHING) I'd wondered where you'd gone to!

Remember this?

£5 in a car boot sale

I was going to try and get it working again, never got round to it

As usual

I'd better look lively They said I could have the morning off

but I don't want to push my luck

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, that's good timing

Morning, Mrs Meldrew Bit parky out there today and that's a fact

Yes You want to go straight up?

(WHISTLING)

Morning, how are you doing? We're a little bit earlier than we said

Yes, well, we're just about finished up there now

-Say again? -I think we're just about finished up there now!

Right you are Time to make way for the professionals, eh?

MCKENDRICK 1 : How are we doing on that lighting source?

You nearly there or am I going to have to eat a bag of carrots?

Coming up any second Hang on

♪ There may be teardrops ahead

♪ But while there's moonlight and roses And love and romance ♪

Ah! Oh, shit!

-Oh, my God! -What happened?

What have you done?

-It just slipped -Oh!

Went right through Oh, God!

Can you pull it out or anything?

I don't know I'll try but

Oh, yeah, there we are

(LAUGHING)

Had you going that time, didn't I, eh? Should have seen your face

I thought you were going to have a seizure

(LAUGHING)

You know, we'll soon have to make a decision on that paintwork

I know, I think we've marked up our choice on that colour chart out there

Oh, right

I put some fresh coffee on, by the way

-Where is it? -It's in the jug, freshly brewed

Champion You want me to pour you one out while I'm at it?

If you would

-Did you want it white? -No, magnolia, I think, is what we both decided

Okay We'll get that ordered up for you

Here you go It may be a bit full

Thanks very much, that's fine

(LAUGHING)

I'm off, then

You're not going to start barbecuing a sperm whale or anything today, I trust?

I've got plenty to occupy myself, thank you very much

Yes Evidently

That's about it for today, Mrs Meldrew See you same time tomorrow

Yes, right!

(MCKENDRICK SINGING)

(THUDDING)

(MCKENDRICK SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

I just caught one of those bloody timbers on my head

Oh, yeah

Must have been a nail sticking out or something Oh, shit!

Can't you do any better than that? It doesn't even look like real blood

Mrs Meldrew, I'm not joking this time

I think I'll need an ambulance Seriously

Utterly pathetic

(GROANING)

Oh, God! Here, sit down

-I'll go and see if we've got some bandages -Thank you

But you needn't bother, I'll use one of these

Oh, come on, come on That was a good 'un

You've got to admit Here, this is the same stuff they use on Casualty.

There's a place in London, you can write off for it

I don't think that's even remotely funny, Mr McKendrick

I think it's sick

Twice in a row I've had her now She went white as a sheet

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Turning into bloody Harry Worth now What's wrong with you?

What's that? I didn't know you'd been to the bank today

I haven't been to the bank

£80 I've been to the grocer on the corner

and I found this on the floor by the crisp boxes

-Why didn't you hand it in? -What, to dodgy Douglas?

Who takes three Smarties out of every tube so that he can make one extra one?

Pocket it for himself, wouldn't he?

-Well, you're going to go the police with it, then? -Oh

Why, nobody's going to go in and ask if someone's handed in

four £20 notes

-Well, you can't just keep it -Why not?

Well, it might belong to a little old lady, an old-age pensioner or something

There's a receipt folded up inside for a meal at the Peking Palace

Oh, anybody who could afford to eat there isn't gonna miss £80

And I'm hanging on to it

And if you don't like it, you can lump it The pair of you!

I just think

The pair of us?

In you come That's the ticket

Yes

Now, up you go Come on Up

There we are

(PHONE RINGING)

You're getting the hang of it now, aren't you? Yes

4291

Oh, yes, hang on a sec

Yes How do you spell that?

Yeah Yeah

Yes, thank you very much indeed That's a big help Thanks Bye

Would you prefer it if I slept in the spare room tonight?

What's got into you since you came back from work tonight?

Nothing

I take it that was them, ringing back? The Peking Palace?

Yes, I told you it'd be easy enough to trace

They just checked the bill against Friday night's table reservations

and it turns out to be a chap called Croker

Apparently, he lives outside the town of Cottleswood

I thought I might pop it over to him tomorrow night after going to Sainsbury's

Oh, did you? Fine

Well, it's only right, isn't it? I mean, it's It is his money

Yes

Well, I'd better get ready for bed

If you want me, I'll be in the bathroom sandpapering my breasts

-That for the flooring? -It's not for laying out a coffin, Mr Meldrew

We got most of it down now Then we'll make a start on your rendering

Only I've got to go out for a few hours, so if I'm not back

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Where are they? And don't say they're not in here because their (BLEEP) van's parked outside

-I beg your pardon -Yes, you!

You bone-idle (BLEEP) layabouts! Four (BLEEP) weeks ago

you were supposed to come and finish off my fence and I am still (BLEEP) waiting!

Where do you think you're going?

don't think you will

If you had that fence up on time, they wouldn't have come through

with their football from next door and had his beak off

(LAUGHING)

Oh, you think that's (BLEEP) funny, do you?

I'll show you how (BLEEP) funny it is

(STUTTERING) Excuse me, this is my house you're fighting in

Bloody (BLEEP) worthless I don't see why I should (BLEEP) have to put up with this

Don't lose your temper You'll only do something you'll regret

(ARGUING)

-Don't do anything silly up there -Don't do anything hasty, Mrs Stewkley

-Mrs Stewkley! -Excuse me, excuse me!

MCKENDRICK: I'm sorry about your pelican Mrs Stewkley, put that plate down!

MAN: Come on through! I'm just in the shower

MAN: Everything all right down there? PIPPA: Yes!

Masses of room in that garage now since you've had it done

Oh

-How are you, darling? -Relieved, as ever,

to get away from that man

Are things really that bad between you and him?

I don't know how much longer we're going to last, the way things are going

Oh, well, you're here now And we're in for the night,

so let's shut the rest of the world out, shall we?

And get you upstairs

Oh, I know what I meant to ask you When I was round your place yesterday,

-I didn't drop any money at all, did I? -I didn't see any

There we are

I thought we'd eat about 8:30 if that's okay with you

Give you time to settle in, freshen up

You'll never know, Geoffrey, what it feels like to be in a normal house

where a man isn't gonna suddenly start abseiling past your window stark bollock naked

Without the stench of braised octopus drifting over your fence

You know, when we left this afternoon,

I think there was some form of geriatric acid house party going on

People effing and blinding about pelicans

You just had to be there to believe it

Oh, my God!

You can stay there all night for all I care, for I've just about had enough of it

What's it supposed to be this time?

Massive concussion of some kind? Good!

I hoped it's knocked some bloody sense into your head

Oh, what's happened here?

Hello, I need an ambulance immediately

That's very kind, Mrs Meldrew,

but we got our van outside

Three up to me, I think

You've got to do better than that, I'm afraid

Get out of here!

(LAUGHING)

Has he been at it again?

Somehow, I don't think she appreciates the humour, Laurence

See you at 9:00, Mrs Meldrew Oh, and be careful with that hatch

We've had to counterweight the steps with a bag of plaster just until tomorrow, okay?

Yes! Goodbye!

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHING)

This is the life

Fancy a beer or something?

Oh, you could bring me a small Campari

(WHISTLING)

Glasses, glasses

What are you doing here?

You didn't bring me one, then?

-He's in the larder -What?

-He's downstairs in the larder -Who is?

Who?

Who else would be in your brother's larder at this time of night, sitting on a bag of potatoes?

-Mr Meldrew -Is this some sort of joke?

Metaphysically speaking, I suppose, yes

He had the temerity to ask me what I was doing here

The time has come, I think, to bring in some form of contract killer

I wonder if they still advertise them in People's Friend?

(DOOR CLOSING)

God Almighty!

You know what? It only belonged to her bloody brother next door

I thought she had gone there for a dirty weekend

I hid in the bloody cupboard

Talk about total laughingstock

You'll excuse me if I now get seriously and horribly drunk

What

What

(STUTTERING)

What's the matter with you? Got a splinter in your tongue?

What did

Splinter in my tongue?

Why on earth would I have a splinter in my tongue?

I've no idea

I don't believe you could do a thing like this

Shame, isn't it? When someone has a mind of their own

When you can't control everything they do like nice, little dumb blondes

Dumb blonde

It's only a lump of wood, Margaret That's all it is

That hasn't stopped you groping and prodding her

and sticking your head up her skirt for the last 24 hours

Have you gone stark raving mad?

Yes, probably I wouldn't be surprised

I mean, that's what happens when you get to my age

and you're not fit for anything anymore

Yes, I would think that would just about explain it, wouldn't it?

-Explain what? -Why I've lost my job!

When did this happen?

Yesterday

Mr Farmer came in, said they were closing the shop

Business wasn't there anymore and that was it

He said as from 5:00 yesterday afternoon we needn't bother coming in anymore

All the flowers that were left over, they were just going to send up the hospital

That's why you wanted to keep the money Why didn't you say?

I couldn't I didn't

(SIGHING)

The thought of what's gonna happen to me now

What I'm gonna turn into

What are you going to turn into?

You

Struggling to fill up my days with mad cookery recipes and playing with dolls

I was frightened

I'm sorry

No, I'm sorry

Oh, what happened to your idea about getting drunk?

-Yes, right -I'll go and pour us two large ones

If you don't mind, I'll just pop upstairs and see how they've done today

Oh, Victor!

If you're opening up that hatch, he says be careful

because they've just put a bag of plaster inside the trapdoor to

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #

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