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1
00:00:03,038 --> 00:00:06,348
# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,438 --> 00:00:09,908
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,998 --> 00:00:13,388
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,478 --> 00:00:16,914
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,998 --> 00:00:20,911
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:20,998 --> 00:00:24,468
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:28,073
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
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# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:34,678 --> 00:00:36,828
(COUGHING)
10
00:01:05,358 --> 00:01:07,553
(PHONE RINGING)
11
00:01:09,398 --> 00:01:11,354
(CLEARING THROAT)
12
00:01:13,278 --> 00:01:14,950
4291
13
00:01:15,478 --> 00:01:19,869
Oh, hello, Jean No, no, just out the back
14
00:01:20,238 --> 00:01:23,913
Putting Victor's spaghetti vongole
through the incinerator
15
00:01:24,438 --> 00:01:28,147
No, we've tried putting it in the bin
The dustmen won't touch it
16
00:01:28,238 --> 00:01:31,514
Not after last Monday's episode
with the lobster curry
17
00:01:31,598 --> 00:01:34,556
Said it clogged up their crusher for a week
18
00:01:34,638 --> 00:01:39,029
Oh! Not the effect it had on me, I can tell you
19
00:01:39,118 --> 00:01:41,712
Oh, hideous, Jean
20
00:01:41,798 --> 00:01:44,312
Ever since he bought this seafood cookery book,
21
00:01:44,398 --> 00:01:47,390
every mealtime has been like
The Quatermass Experiment.
22
00:01:47,918 --> 00:01:51,433
Clams exploding in the microwave,
God knows what
23
00:01:51,518 --> 00:01:55,716
Oh, God, no I've put a stop to it now,
don't you worry about that
24
00:01:55,798 --> 00:01:58,949
He won't be trying anymore
of those concoctions, let me tell you
25
00:01:59,038 --> 00:02:01,188
Anyway, did you get my
26
00:02:01,278 --> 00:02:02,950
Oh, lovely
27
00:02:11,358 --> 00:02:15,874
Yes, you can bring it the next time I see you
Thanks very much, Jean Bye
28
00:02:24,598 --> 00:02:29,035
Oh, for God's sake No, Victor Now, I've told you
29
00:02:29,838 --> 00:02:32,955
When did you fish this back out,
for goodness sake?
30
00:02:33,038 --> 00:02:35,552
I've told you I am having no more of it
31
00:02:35,638 --> 00:02:38,152
I was just going to do a little bit
of poached salmon for lunch
32
00:02:38,238 --> 00:02:40,547
Nothing complicated
Nothing that's going to smell
33
00:02:40,638 --> 00:02:42,708
That's what you said about the squid
in the Stilton sauce
34
00:02:42,798 --> 00:02:46,677
and they had half the road up outside
looking for a gas leak
35
00:02:46,758 --> 00:02:51,274
Just leave it alone and go and read
your newspaper before I go off my rocker
36
00:02:51,358 --> 00:02:52,871
(SIGHING)
37
00:02:53,038 --> 00:02:57,190
And anyway, you won't be wanting much lunch
if you're having your meal with Patrick tonight
38
00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,189
Don't remind me
39
00:03:01,718 --> 00:03:05,677
And you're not backing out of it
so don't start that
40
00:03:05,878 --> 00:03:08,346
Now that Pippa and I finally got you
to the negotiating table,
41
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:11,475
you can have a nice bottle of wine
between you and start behaving
42
00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:14,868
like a couple of grown-up human beings
for a change
43
00:03:14,958 --> 00:03:16,311
Do you hear me?
44
00:03:16,398 --> 00:03:18,912
Have I got these socks on inside out?
45
00:03:19,918 --> 00:03:22,386
Do you hear me?
46
00:03:22,758 --> 00:03:24,635
Yes
47
00:03:34,358 --> 00:03:36,269
VICTOR: Never again
48
00:03:37,358 --> 00:03:40,156
As long as I live
49
00:03:41,158 --> 00:03:45,674
What's happened here?
Not another bloody power cut
50
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:58,227
Before you even ask how it went,
I do not want to talk about it
51
00:03:59,198 --> 00:04:03,635
I've never been so humiliated
in all my natural born days
52
00:04:04,358 --> 00:04:07,475
Do you know what happened
when we got there, hmm?
53
00:04:07,558 --> 00:04:10,152
Yes, well, I don't want to talk about it
54
00:04:10,238 --> 00:04:14,390
Bloody Armenian restaurant,
not one of them spoke a word of English
55
00:04:14,598 --> 00:04:18,147
Can you believe what they did?
Margaret, are you asleep?
56
00:04:18,278 --> 00:04:21,350
Good, 'cause I don't want to talk about it
57
00:04:22,558 --> 00:04:23,593
(CRASHING)
58
00:04:23,678 --> 00:04:25,270
VICTOR: Bugger it!
59
00:04:28,598 --> 00:04:31,396
Look, I've said I'm sorry
60
00:04:31,478 --> 00:04:36,791
In any case, whose idea was it
to pick an Armenian restaurant in the first place?
61
00:04:37,438 --> 00:04:40,032
-Yours
-Oh, was it?
62
00:04:40,118 --> 00:04:41,790
And correct me if I'm wrong,
63
00:04:41,878 --> 00:04:45,393
but it was you that rang up
and asked for a nice, intimate little table
64
00:04:45,478 --> 00:04:49,312
where two people could be alone together
to discuss some personal affairs
65
00:04:49,398 --> 00:04:52,549
I can't remember if I used those words exactly
66
00:04:52,638 --> 00:04:56,631
Well, whatever words you used,
one fact remains, doesn't it?
67
00:04:56,918 --> 00:04:59,432
The entire staff and management
were under the hideous impression
68
00:04:59,518 --> 00:05:02,954
that Mr Meldrew and I were secret lovers
69
00:05:05,278 --> 00:05:08,634
A hypothesis so grisly, it fair curdles the blood
70
00:05:09,438 --> 00:05:13,226
It was bad enough when they brought us
one bowl of soup with two spoons
71
00:05:13,318 --> 00:05:18,711
Though, strangely, the full horror of the situation
didn't become clear until the next course
72
00:05:18,798 --> 00:05:22,074
when a long complimentary sausage
arrived at the table,
73
00:05:22,758 --> 00:05:25,226
which we were then forced to nibble
from each end
74
00:05:25,318 --> 00:05:29,072
until our lips met in the middle,
like Lady and the Tramp.
75
00:05:29,158 --> 00:05:31,194
Why didn't you say something?
76
00:05:31,278 --> 00:05:35,590
I'm afraid anything we attempted to say
was largely academic
77
00:05:35,678 --> 00:05:39,910
once the gypsy violinist started serenading us
with Armenian love songs
78
00:05:40,558 --> 00:05:43,630
It would have been cruel just to tell him
to bugger off,
79
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:47,717
so we told him to bugger off
80
00:05:47,798 --> 00:05:51,427
I don't know, there's always something,
isn't there?
81
00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:53,471
PATRICK: Yes
82
00:05:53,558 --> 00:05:57,551
Although, for maximum embarrassment
it would be hard to top the moment
83
00:05:57,638 --> 00:06:01,313
when the waiter came over
and in front of the entire restaurant,
84
00:06:01,398 --> 00:06:05,550
I can only assume he was attempting to say,
''Do you both love pork?''
85
00:06:05,638 --> 00:06:10,666
And not as it came out in his mangled English,
''Do you both have sex with pigs?''
86
00:06:13,438 --> 00:06:15,554
We did attempt to leave at that point,
87
00:06:15,638 --> 00:06:19,347
not before they'd forced us
to pose for some romantic photographs,
88
00:06:19,438 --> 00:06:21,633
holding hands across the table
89
00:06:21,718 --> 00:06:24,755
PIPPA: That's quite sweet, really
90
00:06:25,998 --> 00:06:29,832
Quite sweet?
Have you taken leave of your senses?
91
00:06:29,918 --> 00:06:34,708
Thirty people in that restaurant tonight
think Victor Meldrew and I are sleeping together
92
00:06:34,798 --> 00:06:38,234
Six inches of brick wall,
that's all that's separating us
93
00:06:38,318 --> 00:06:41,674
Thank God for a couple of days in the country
at your brother's place
94
00:06:41,758 --> 00:06:43,396
What time's he expecting us on Friday?
95
00:06:43,478 --> 00:06:48,233
He's coming round in the morning for coffee
I said we'd firm up the arrangements then
96
00:06:48,398 --> 00:06:51,390
I shudder to think what dreams
I'm gonna have tonight
97
00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:53,469
about that sausage
98
00:07:02,598 --> 00:07:04,907
Is that the time?
99
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:09,067
And we're supposed to be clearing the loft
this morning,
100
00:07:09,158 --> 00:07:10,876
or had you forgotten?
101
00:07:11,478 --> 00:07:14,948
Another few days of disruption to look forward to
102
00:07:15,038 --> 00:07:19,350
Oh, what the hell has been going on in here?
103
00:07:19,918 --> 00:07:23,149
Oh, Victor, what on earth?
104
00:07:27,078 --> 00:07:28,830
What is it?
105
00:07:31,078 --> 00:07:33,876
When you washed your face in the dark last night,
106
00:07:33,958 --> 00:07:37,507
you opened one of those new little packets
of soap in the bathroom cupboard, did you?
107
00:07:37,598 --> 00:07:39,634
-Yes Why?
-Wrong
108
00:07:39,718 --> 00:07:43,393
You opened a new little packet
of Tesco's toilet flush
109
00:07:44,238 --> 00:07:48,789
And it's all over the towel
and the face flannel and the pillow and
110
00:07:48,878 --> 00:07:53,030
Oh, get up Look what you've done!
111
00:07:53,318 --> 00:07:56,151
I'm sorry about that
112
00:07:56,798 --> 00:08:00,268
What are you rushing about for, anyway,
like a bat out of hell?
113
00:08:00,358 --> 00:08:02,713
Because it's 9:30 nearly
114
00:08:02,798 --> 00:08:05,915
and they're coming to start
the loft conversion at 1 2:00
115
00:08:05,998 --> 00:08:09,115
That cranky couple of yours,
the McKendrick brothers
116
00:08:09,198 --> 00:08:11,871
That's if they bother to turn up this time
117
00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:15,837
They'll turn up, they're generally very reliable
118
00:08:17,958 --> 00:08:21,268
Don't know what you've got against
the pair of them anyway
119
00:08:21,358 --> 00:08:23,394
One of them's gone deaf from a pneumatic drill
120
00:08:23,478 --> 00:08:26,436
and the other has an extremely weird
sense of humour
121
00:08:26,518 --> 00:08:28,986
I think he's very funny
122
00:08:30,158 --> 00:08:32,433
You would
123
00:08:35,118 --> 00:08:39,191
Okay, I've got it Is that everything, then?
124
00:08:40,118 --> 00:08:44,316
No more of Ronnie and Mildred's
Christmas presents up there, are there?
125
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,389
Not that I can see
126
00:08:46,478 --> 00:08:50,869
(VICTOR LAUGHING) I'd wondered where
you'd gone to!
127
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,029
Remember this?
128
00:08:54,358 --> 00:08:56,314
£5 in a car boot sale
129
00:08:56,398 --> 00:08:59,231
I was going to try and get it working again,
never got round to it
130
00:08:59,318 --> 00:09:01,070
As usual
131
00:09:01,158 --> 00:09:04,195
I'd better look lively
They said I could have the morning off
132
00:09:04,278 --> 00:09:05,711
but I don't want to push my luck
133
00:09:05,798 --> 00:09:06,787
(DOORBELL RINGING)
134
00:09:06,878 --> 00:09:09,233
Oh, that's good timing
135
00:09:16,358 --> 00:09:19,907
Morning, Mrs Meldrew
Bit parky out there today and that's a fact
136
00:09:19,998 --> 00:09:21,795
Yes You want to go straight up?
137
00:09:21,878 --> 00:09:23,869
(WHISTLING)
138
00:09:25,718 --> 00:09:29,393
Morning, how are you doing?
We're a little bit earlier than we said
139
00:09:29,478 --> 00:09:31,708
Yes, well, we're just about finished up there now
140
00:09:31,798 --> 00:09:34,756
-Say again?
-I think we're just about finished up there now!
141
00:09:34,838 --> 00:09:38,592
Right you are
Time to make way for the professionals, eh?
142
00:09:39,638 --> 00:09:41,594
MCKENDRICK 1 : How are we doing
on that lighting source?
143
00:09:41,678 --> 00:09:44,238
You nearly there or am I going to have to eat
a bag of carrots?
144
00:09:44,318 --> 00:09:47,116
Coming up any second Hang on
145
00:09:47,878 --> 00:09:51,348
♪ There may be teardrops ahead
146
00:09:52,238 --> 00:09:57,551
♪ But while there's moonlight and roses
And love and romance ♪
147
00:09:58,518 --> 00:10:01,271
Ah! Oh, shit!
148
00:10:02,238 --> 00:10:05,230
-Oh, my God!
-What happened?
149
00:10:05,518 --> 00:10:07,270
What have you done?
150
00:10:08,998 --> 00:10:10,954
-It just slipped
-Oh!
151
00:10:11,038 --> 00:10:14,155
Went right through Oh, God!
152
00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:16,547
Can you pull it out or anything?
153
00:10:16,638 --> 00:10:20,074
I don't know I'll try but
154
00:10:20,158 --> 00:10:22,433
Oh, yeah, there we are
155
00:10:22,518 --> 00:10:23,553
(LAUGHING)
156
00:10:23,638 --> 00:10:27,347
Had you going that time, didn't I, eh?
Should have seen your face
157
00:10:27,438 --> 00:10:29,474
I thought you were going to have a seizure
158
00:10:29,558 --> 00:10:31,196
(LAUGHING)
159
00:10:33,718 --> 00:10:36,596
You know, we'll soon have to make a decision
on that paintwork
160
00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:41,354
I know, I think we've marked up
our choice on that colour chart out there
161
00:10:41,438 --> 00:10:42,791
Oh, right
162
00:10:45,558 --> 00:10:47,594
I put some fresh coffee on, by the way
163
00:10:47,678 --> 00:10:50,636
-Where is it?
-It's in the jug, freshly brewed
164
00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:53,357
Champion You want me to pour you one out
while I'm at it?
165
00:10:53,438 --> 00:10:54,757
If you would
166
00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:03,236
-Did you want it white?
-No, magnolia, I think, is what we both decided
167
00:11:03,318 --> 00:11:06,151
Okay We'll get that ordered up for you
168
00:11:06,238 --> 00:11:08,274
Here you go It may be a bit full
169
00:11:08,358 --> 00:11:10,747
Thanks very much, that's fine
170
00:11:12,438 --> 00:11:14,315
(LAUGHING)
171
00:11:16,318 --> 00:11:18,070
I'm off, then
172
00:11:18,718 --> 00:11:22,996
You're not going to start barbecuing
a sperm whale or anything today, I trust?
173
00:11:23,078 --> 00:11:26,753
I've got plenty to occupy myself,
thank you very much
174
00:11:31,318 --> 00:11:34,037
Yes Evidently
175
00:11:40,478 --> 00:11:43,470
That's about it for today, Mrs Meldrew
See you same time tomorrow
176
00:11:43,558 --> 00:11:45,310
Yes, right!
177
00:11:46,158 --> 00:11:49,548
(MCKENDRICK SINGING)
178
00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:00,713
(THUDDING)
179
00:12:00,798 --> 00:12:02,948
(MCKENDRICK SCREAMING)
180
00:12:10,038 --> 00:12:12,950
(GROANING)
181
00:12:13,278 --> 00:12:16,190
I just caught one of those bloody timbers
on my head
182
00:12:16,278 --> 00:12:17,836
Oh, yeah
183
00:12:18,958 --> 00:12:22,997
Must have been a nail sticking out or something
Oh, shit!
184
00:12:23,238 --> 00:12:26,628
Can't you do any better than that?
It doesn't even look like real blood
185
00:12:26,718 --> 00:12:29,676
Mrs Meldrew, I'm not joking this time
186
00:12:29,758 --> 00:12:32,556
I think I'll need an ambulance Seriously
187
00:12:32,638 --> 00:12:34,435
Utterly pathetic
188
00:12:35,678 --> 00:12:37,555
(GROANING)
189
00:12:37,718 --> 00:12:40,152
Oh, God! Here, sit down
190
00:12:40,238 --> 00:12:43,469
-I'll go and see if we've got some bandages
-Thank you
191
00:12:43,558 --> 00:12:45,833
But you needn't bother, I'll use one of these
192
00:12:48,358 --> 00:12:52,431
Oh, come on, come on That was a good 'un
193
00:12:52,518 --> 00:12:57,194
You've got to admit
Here, this is the same stuff they use on Casualty.
194
00:12:57,478 --> 00:13:00,550
There's a place in London, you can write off for it
195
00:13:00,638 --> 00:13:05,075
I don't think that's even remotely funny,
Mr McKendrick
196
00:13:05,158 --> 00:13:06,716
I think it's sick
197
00:13:07,878 --> 00:13:10,676
Twice in a row I've had her now
She went white as a sheet
198
00:13:10,758 --> 00:13:13,192
(BOTH LAUGHING)
199
00:13:27,238 --> 00:13:31,356
Turning into bloody Harry Worth now
What's wrong with you?
200
00:13:35,598 --> 00:13:37,828
What's that?
I didn't know you'd been to the bank today
201
00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,954
I haven't been to the bank
202
00:13:40,038 --> 00:13:43,155
£80 I've been to the grocer on the corner
203
00:13:43,238 --> 00:13:46,708
and I found this on the floor by the crisp boxes
204
00:13:46,798 --> 00:13:51,076
-Why didn't you hand it in?
-What, to dodgy Douglas?
205
00:13:51,158 --> 00:13:54,833
Who takes three Smarties out of every tube
so that he can make one extra one?
206
00:13:55,238 --> 00:13:57,069
Pocket it for himself, wouldn't he?
207
00:13:57,158 --> 00:13:59,626
-Well, you're going to go the police with it, then?
-Oh
208
00:13:59,718 --> 00:14:03,757
Why, nobody's going to go in
and ask if someone's handed in
209
00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:07,597
four £20 notes
210
00:14:09,078 --> 00:14:12,309
-Well, you can't just keep it
-Why not?
211
00:14:12,398 --> 00:14:16,027
Well, it might belong to a little old lady,
an old-age pensioner or something
212
00:14:16,118 --> 00:14:20,270
There's a receipt folded up inside
for a meal at the Peking Palace
213
00:14:20,358 --> 00:14:24,510
Oh, anybody who could afford to eat there
isn't gonna miss £80
214
00:14:24,598 --> 00:14:26,156
And I'm hanging on to it
215
00:14:26,238 --> 00:14:30,311
And if you don't like it, you can lump it
The pair of you!
216
00:14:30,518 --> 00:14:32,236
I just think
217
00:14:33,318 --> 00:14:35,229
The pair of us?
218
00:14:36,958 --> 00:14:40,837
In you come That's the ticket
219
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,350
Yes
220
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:50,508
Now, up you go Come on Up
221
00:14:50,878 --> 00:14:52,072
There we are
222
00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:53,147
(PHONE RINGING)
223
00:14:53,238 --> 00:14:56,787
You're getting the hang of it now, aren't you? Yes
224
00:15:01,478 --> 00:15:02,957
4291
225
00:15:03,878 --> 00:15:06,711
Oh, yes, hang on a sec
226
00:15:12,238 --> 00:15:15,150
Yes How do you spell that?
227
00:15:17,598 --> 00:15:20,271
Yeah Yeah
228
00:15:20,438 --> 00:15:24,511
Yes, thank you very much indeed
That's a big help Thanks Bye
229
00:15:29,558 --> 00:15:33,312
Would you prefer it
if I slept in the spare room tonight?
230
00:15:35,118 --> 00:15:38,952
What's got into you
since you came back from work tonight?
231
00:15:39,038 --> 00:15:40,391
Nothing
232
00:15:41,318 --> 00:15:44,833
I take it that was them, ringing back?
The Peking Palace?
233
00:15:44,918 --> 00:15:47,830
Yes, I told you it'd be easy enough to trace
234
00:15:47,918 --> 00:15:51,228
They just checked the bill
against Friday night's table reservations
235
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:53,878
and it turns out to be a chap called Croker
236
00:15:53,958 --> 00:15:57,792
Apparently, he lives outside
the town of Cottleswood
237
00:15:57,878 --> 00:16:01,632
I thought I might pop it over to him
tomorrow night after going to Sainsbury's
238
00:16:01,718 --> 00:16:03,674
Oh, did you? Fine
239
00:16:04,078 --> 00:16:08,117
Well, it's only right, isn't it?
I mean, it's It is his money
240
00:16:08,358 --> 00:16:09,711
Yes
241
00:16:10,118 --> 00:16:12,712
Well, I'd better get ready for bed
242
00:16:12,798 --> 00:16:16,677
If you want me, I'll be in the bathroom
sandpapering my breasts
243
00:16:21,318 --> 00:16:25,755
-That for the flooring?
-It's not for laying out a coffin, Mr Meldrew
244
00:16:25,838 --> 00:16:29,148
We got most of it down now
Then we'll make a start on your rendering
245
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:32,150
Only I've got to go out for a few hours,
so if I'm not back
246
00:16:32,238 --> 00:16:33,910
(DOORBELL RINGING)
247
00:16:36,958 --> 00:16:41,952
Where are they? And don't say they're not in here
because their (BLEEP) van's parked outside
248
00:16:42,038 --> 00:16:44,029
-I beg your pardon
-Yes, you!
249
00:16:44,118 --> 00:16:47,713
You bone-idle (BLEEP) layabouts!
Four (BLEEP) weeks ago
250
00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:52,269
you were supposed to come and finish off
my fence and I am still (BLEEP) waiting!
251
00:16:52,798 --> 00:16:54,868
Where do you think you're going?
252
00:16:55,158 --> 00:16:56,386
don't think you will
253
00:16:56,478 --> 00:16:58,992
If you had that fence up on time,
they wouldn't have come through
254
00:16:59,078 --> 00:17:01,672
with their football from next door
and had his beak off
255
00:17:01,758 --> 00:17:02,793
(LAUGHING)
256
00:17:02,878 --> 00:17:05,267
Oh, you think that's (BLEEP) funny, do you?
257
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,634
I'll show you how (BLEEP) funny it is
258
00:17:08,758 --> 00:17:11,875
(STUTTERING) Excuse me, this is my house
you're fighting in
259
00:17:11,958 --> 00:17:15,268
Bloody (BLEEP) worthless I don't see
why I should (BLEEP) have to put up with this
260
00:17:15,358 --> 00:17:19,476
Don't lose your temper
You'll only do something you'll regret
261
00:17:19,558 --> 00:17:21,469
(ARGUING)
262
00:17:22,438 --> 00:17:26,795
-Don't do anything silly up there
-Don't do anything hasty, Mrs Stewkley
263
00:17:26,878 --> 00:17:30,791
-Mrs Stewkley!
-Excuse me, excuse me!
264
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:36,548
MCKENDRICK: I'm sorry about your pelican
Mrs Stewkley, put that plate down!
265
00:18:00,358 --> 00:18:03,031
MAN: Come on through! I'm just in the shower
266
00:18:24,438 --> 00:18:27,350
MAN: Everything all right down there?
PIPPA: Yes!
267
00:18:28,038 --> 00:18:31,826
Masses of room in that garage now
since you've had it done
268
00:18:31,958 --> 00:18:33,676
Oh
269
00:18:34,878 --> 00:18:38,473
-How are you, darling?
-Relieved, as ever,
270
00:18:38,558 --> 00:18:40,389
to get away from that man
271
00:18:40,478 --> 00:18:42,628
Are things really that bad between you and him?
272
00:18:42,718 --> 00:18:47,075
I don't know how much longer we're going to last,
the way things are going
273
00:18:47,198 --> 00:18:50,076
Oh, well, you're here now
And we're in for the night,
274
00:18:50,158 --> 00:18:53,195
so let's shut the rest of the world out, shall we?
275
00:18:53,278 --> 00:18:56,953
And get you upstairs
276
00:18:57,318 --> 00:19:00,196
Oh, I know what I meant to ask you
When I was round your place yesterday,
277
00:19:00,278 --> 00:19:04,430
-I didn't drop any money at all, did I?
-I didn't see any
278
00:19:07,198 --> 00:19:09,075
There we are
279
00:19:09,158 --> 00:19:12,707
I thought we'd eat about 8:30
if that's okay with you
280
00:19:12,798 --> 00:19:15,358
Give you time to settle in, freshen up
281
00:19:15,438 --> 00:19:19,067
You'll never know, Geoffrey,
what it feels like to be in a normal house
282
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:23,276
where a man isn't gonna suddenly start
abseiling past your window stark bollock naked
283
00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:27,235
Without the stench of braised octopus
drifting over your fence
284
00:19:27,318 --> 00:19:29,309
You know, when we left this afternoon,
285
00:19:29,398 --> 00:19:32,834
I think there was some form
of geriatric acid house party going on
286
00:19:32,918 --> 00:19:35,671
People effing and blinding about pelicans
287
00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:38,067
You just had to be there to believe it
288
00:19:57,718 --> 00:19:59,595
Oh, my God!
289
00:20:50,038 --> 00:20:54,270
You can stay there all night for all I care,
for I've just about had enough of it
290
00:20:54,678 --> 00:20:56,748
What's it supposed to be this time?
291
00:20:56,998 --> 00:20:59,990
Massive concussion of some kind? Good!
292
00:21:00,078 --> 00:21:03,275
I hoped it's knocked some bloody sense
into your head
293
00:21:32,918 --> 00:21:35,557
Oh, what's happened here?
294
00:21:42,238 --> 00:21:46,026
Hello, I need an ambulance immediately
295
00:21:46,158 --> 00:21:48,388
That's very kind, Mrs Meldrew,
296
00:21:49,038 --> 00:21:51,347
but we got our van outside
297
00:21:52,518 --> 00:21:54,952
Three up to me, I think
298
00:21:55,038 --> 00:21:56,949
You've got to do better than that, I'm afraid
299
00:21:57,038 --> 00:21:58,949
Get out of here!
300
00:21:59,038 --> 00:22:00,949
(LAUGHING)
301
00:22:02,438 --> 00:22:04,269
Has he been at it again?
302
00:22:04,358 --> 00:22:07,748
Somehow, I don't think she appreciates
the humour, Laurence
303
00:22:07,838 --> 00:22:11,353
See you at 9:00, Mrs Meldrew
Oh, and be careful with that hatch
304
00:22:11,438 --> 00:22:15,909
We've had to counterweight the steps
with a bag of plaster just until tomorrow, okay?
305
00:22:16,158 --> 00:22:18,114
Yes! Goodbye!
306
00:22:19,798 --> 00:22:22,835
(LAUGHING)
307
00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:37,666
(SIGHING)
308
00:22:37,758 --> 00:22:39,430
This is the life
309
00:22:41,158 --> 00:22:42,716
Fancy a beer or something?
310
00:22:42,798 --> 00:22:46,473
Oh, you could bring me a small Campari
311
00:22:48,798 --> 00:22:50,914
(WHISTLING)
312
00:22:56,238 --> 00:22:59,071
Glasses, glasses
313
00:23:21,398 --> 00:23:23,866
What are you doing here?
314
00:23:35,718 --> 00:23:37,356
You didn't bring me one, then?
315
00:23:37,438 --> 00:23:39,952
-He's in the larder
-What?
316
00:23:40,038 --> 00:23:43,235
-He's downstairs in the larder
-Who is?
317
00:23:43,878 --> 00:23:45,277
Who?
318
00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:50,354
Who else would be in your brother's larder
at this time of night, sitting on a bag of potatoes?
319
00:23:50,438 --> 00:23:53,555
-Mr Meldrew
-Is this some sort of joke?
320
00:23:54,678 --> 00:23:57,795
Metaphysically speaking, I suppose, yes
321
00:23:57,958 --> 00:24:01,428
He had the temerity to ask me
what I was doing here
322
00:24:03,598 --> 00:24:07,432
The time has come, I think,
to bring in some form of contract killer
323
00:24:08,718 --> 00:24:12,757
I wonder if they still
advertise them in People's Friend?
324
00:24:15,438 --> 00:24:16,996
(DOOR CLOSING)
325
00:24:21,598 --> 00:24:23,190
God Almighty!
326
00:24:23,278 --> 00:24:27,476
You know what?
It only belonged to her bloody brother next door
327
00:24:27,558 --> 00:24:30,470
I thought she had gone there for a dirty weekend
328
00:24:30,558 --> 00:24:33,755
I hid in the bloody cupboard
329
00:24:34,198 --> 00:24:36,348
Talk about total laughingstock
330
00:24:36,438 --> 00:24:40,192
You'll excuse me
if I now get seriously and horribly drunk
331
00:24:53,598 --> 00:24:55,350
What
332
00:25:00,238 --> 00:25:01,466
What
333
00:25:04,718 --> 00:25:07,949
(STUTTERING)
334
00:25:09,678 --> 00:25:12,795
What's the matter with you?
Got a splinter in your tongue?
335
00:25:12,878 --> 00:25:14,357
What did
336
00:25:15,318 --> 00:25:16,956
Splinter in my tongue?
337
00:25:17,038 --> 00:25:19,632
Why on earth
would I have a splinter in my tongue?
338
00:25:19,718 --> 00:25:21,470
I've no idea
339
00:25:21,558 --> 00:25:25,346
I don't believe you could do a thing like this
340
00:25:25,438 --> 00:25:28,589
Shame, isn't it?
When someone has a mind of their own
341
00:25:28,678 --> 00:25:32,830
When you can't control everything they do
like nice, little dumb blondes
342
00:25:32,918 --> 00:25:34,271
Dumb blonde
343
00:25:34,358 --> 00:25:37,156
It's only a lump of wood, Margaret That's all it is
344
00:25:37,238 --> 00:25:39,752
That hasn't stopped you groping and prodding her
345
00:25:39,838 --> 00:25:42,989
and sticking your head up her skirt
for the last 24 hours
346
00:25:45,798 --> 00:25:48,437
Have you gone stark raving mad?
347
00:25:48,518 --> 00:25:52,113
Yes, probably I wouldn't be surprised
348
00:25:52,238 --> 00:25:55,230
I mean, that's what happens
when you get to my age
349
00:25:55,318 --> 00:25:57,593
and you're not fit for anything anymore
350
00:25:57,678 --> 00:26:00,511
Yes, I would think
that would just about explain it, wouldn't it?
351
00:26:00,598 --> 00:26:03,635
-Explain what?
-Why I've lost my job!
352
00:26:17,438 --> 00:26:19,668
When did this happen?
353
00:26:20,158 --> 00:26:21,796
Yesterday
354
00:26:22,398 --> 00:26:26,357
Mr Farmer came in,
said they were closing the shop
355
00:26:27,678 --> 00:26:31,034
Business wasn't there anymore and that was it
356
00:26:32,278 --> 00:26:36,874
He said as from 5:00 yesterday afternoon
we needn't bother coming in anymore
357
00:26:38,118 --> 00:26:42,555
All the flowers that were left over,
they were just going to send up the hospital
358
00:26:43,118 --> 00:26:47,350
That's why you wanted to keep the money
Why didn't you say?
359
00:26:48,598 --> 00:26:51,032
I couldn't I didn't
360
00:26:52,518 --> 00:26:54,634
(SIGHING)
361
00:26:55,238 --> 00:26:59,231
The thought of what's gonna happen to me now
362
00:26:59,398 --> 00:27:01,628
What I'm gonna turn into
363
00:27:02,478 --> 00:27:05,356
What are you going to turn into?
364
00:27:06,078 --> 00:27:07,511
You
365
00:27:13,078 --> 00:27:17,993
Struggling to fill up my days
with mad cookery recipes and playing with dolls
366
00:27:19,918 --> 00:27:21,715
I was frightened
367
00:27:22,318 --> 00:27:23,637
I'm sorry
368
00:27:23,798 --> 00:27:26,073
No, I'm sorry
369
00:27:29,238 --> 00:27:32,071
Oh, what happened to your idea
about getting drunk?
370
00:27:32,158 --> 00:27:36,231
-Yes, right
-I'll go and pour us two large ones
371
00:27:36,598 --> 00:27:40,910
If you don't mind, I'll just pop upstairs
and see how they've done today
372
00:27:43,118 --> 00:27:45,154
Oh, Victor!
373
00:27:45,998 --> 00:27:48,592
If you're opening up that hatch, he says be careful
374
00:27:48,678 --> 00:27:52,148
because they've just put a bag
of plaster inside the trapdoor to
375
00:27:57,958 --> 00:28:01,268
# They say I might as well face the truth
376
00:28:01,358 --> 00:28:04,873
# That I am just too long in the tooth
377
00:28:04,958 --> 00:28:08,234
# I've started to deteriorate
378
00:28:08,318 --> 00:28:11,913
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
379
00:28:11,998 --> 00:28:15,308
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
380
00:28:15,398 --> 00:28:18,788
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
381
00:28:18,998 --> 00:28:22,388
#And my old knees have started to knock
382
00:28:22,478 --> 00:28:25,675
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
383
00:28:25,758 --> 00:28:29,831
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
384
00:28:29,918 --> 00:28:33,149
# It's true that my body has seen better days
385
00:28:33,238 --> 00:28:36,992
# But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
386
00:28:37,278 --> 00:28:40,190
# One foot in the grave
387
00:28:40,398 --> 00:28:43,470
# One foot in the grave
388
00:28:44,038 --> 00:28:46,916
# One foot in the grave #
389
00:28:46,966 --> 00:28:51,516
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