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1
00:00:01,888 --> 00:00:05,164
# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:05,328 --> 00:00:08,638
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:08,808 --> 00:00:12,118
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:12,288 --> 00:00:15,564
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:15,728 --> 00:00:19,641
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:19,808 --> 00:00:22,959
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
00:00:23,128 --> 00:00:27,121
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:27,288 --> 00:00:30,121
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:38,088 --> 00:00:43,765
I'm glad we arrived back to find this half-eaten
Double whopper with cheese in my rose bed.
10
00:00:43,928 --> 00:00:47,443
Some people put manure in theirs,
but I'll have none of it.
11
00:00:47,608 --> 00:00:52,557
A Double whopper with cheese is the thing.
Harry wheatcroft swears by them!
12
00:00:52,728 --> 00:00:55,561
Still, it was a good evening, I thought.
13
00:00:57,048 --> 00:00:58,606
Mum!
14
00:00:59,688 --> 00:01:02,282
we're back!
15
00:01:02,448 --> 00:01:06,077
I thought they put on a really good show
for a local group.
16
00:01:06,248 --> 00:01:10,036
There's another pool of water
from that overflow out there.
17
00:01:10,208 --> 00:01:12,676
Not that you knew much about it, of course,
18
00:01:12,848 --> 00:01:16,636
having slept through most of the first half
like Rip Van winkle.
19
00:01:16,808 --> 00:01:18,605
who did?
20
00:01:18,768 --> 00:01:24,126
Next time we go to a play, why don't you
just put your pyjamas on and be done with it?
21
00:01:24,288 --> 00:01:28,076
It's bad enough when you cuddled the man
in the seat next to you,
22
00:01:28,248 --> 00:01:30,716
let alone all your comments during the interval!
23
00:01:30,888 --> 00:01:36,838
I just said that the Hunchback of Notre Dame's
costume didn't look historically accurate.
24
00:01:38,488 --> 00:01:40,046
what?
25
00:01:40,208 --> 00:01:43,803
You knew full well
it was ''Peter Pan'' we were doing.
26
00:01:43,968 --> 00:01:46,926
You just say things like that for comic effect.
27
00:01:47,088 --> 00:01:51,320
I do not. who was that swinging
across the stage on a bell rope?
28
00:01:51,488 --> 00:01:55,640
That was Mrs Henstridge from the Co-op
playing Tinkerbell.
29
00:01:55,808 --> 00:01:59,596
The wire had to be that thick
because of her glandular disorder.
30
00:01:59,768 --> 00:02:03,204
well, why did she have one eye
halfway up her forehead?
31
00:02:03,368 --> 00:02:08,362
I'm not saying she doesn't bear a passing
resemblance to Lon Cheney Senior, it's true,
32
00:02:08,528 --> 00:02:11,042
but she's got a lovely singing voice.
33
00:02:11,208 --> 00:02:13,847
She's one of the company's leading lights.
34
00:02:14,008 --> 00:02:17,000
So it hasn't put you off
joining them, then, tonight?
35
00:02:17,168 --> 00:02:19,887
No. I've made my mind up.
36
00:02:20,048 --> 00:02:24,439
It'll be fun getting back to amateur dramatics
after all these years.
37
00:02:24,608 --> 00:02:27,998
Mr whittaker says I can pop along
on wednesday evening.
38
00:02:28,168 --> 00:02:32,161
He thinks they might have a small part for me
in their next production,
39
00:02:32,328 --> 00:02:37,038
especially now they've lost Desirée Gibson,
now she's become big and famous.
40
00:02:37,208 --> 00:02:42,236
Desirée Gibson? I expect that was her
in the foyer behaving like Edna Everage.
41
00:02:43,048 --> 00:02:46,518
She went to Jersey
to do a ''Bergerac'' in January.
42
00:02:46,688 --> 00:02:51,682
And they say she's one of the six hang-gliding
penguins in that building society advert.
43
00:02:51,848 --> 00:02:55,158
Done very well for herself.
No question about it.
44
00:02:55,328 --> 00:02:57,796
Are you coming straight up to bed now?
45
00:02:57,968 --> 00:03:01,244
No, I'll do another hour or two
on my situation comedy,
46
00:03:01,408 --> 00:03:03,922
try and get this scene finished if I can.
47
00:03:04,848 --> 00:03:09,638
- How's it coming along? All right?
- Very nicely, thank you. Very funny.
48
00:03:12,048 --> 00:03:14,767
when's it got to be in by?
49
00:03:15,448 --> 00:03:18,758
Closing date for entries, August 1st.
50
00:03:19,528 --> 00:03:22,520
- Going to let me read it?
- when it's finished.
51
00:03:23,408 --> 00:03:26,047
Anyone in mind for the parts?
52
00:03:26,208 --> 00:03:28,802
Joan Plowright and Bernard Breslaw.
53
00:03:30,848 --> 00:03:32,486
Oh. Good.
54
00:03:33,728 --> 00:03:35,241
Mum!
55
00:03:35,928 --> 00:03:38,726
we're back! Did you want some Horlicks?
56
00:03:45,368 --> 00:03:47,836
(CHUCKLES)
57
00:03:53,488 --> 00:03:56,480
(CLATTERING AND THUMPING UPSTAIRS)
58
00:04:07,128 --> 00:04:09,767
Oh, that's going to be very good.
59
00:04:10,848 --> 00:04:14,443
Congratulations!
You've done it again, haven't you?
60
00:04:15,888 --> 00:04:18,527
what's the matter? what's happened?
61
00:04:19,728 --> 00:04:21,719
what is it?
62
00:04:22,968 --> 00:04:26,961
I take it you put all that powdered
wallpaper paste in a big glass jar
63
00:04:27,128 --> 00:04:29,119
and left it upstairs last week?
64
00:04:29,288 --> 00:04:30,607
No!
65
00:04:30,768 --> 00:04:34,602
Oh, yes, I did.
when the packet split open. why?
66
00:04:35,528 --> 00:04:38,042
My mother thought they were bath salts.
67
00:04:39,128 --> 00:04:41,722
You know how she tips a ton of the stuff in.
68
00:04:42,768 --> 00:04:46,283
She fell asleep in the water
reading the ''Daily Mirror'',
69
00:04:46,448 --> 00:04:50,236
woke up like a giant tadpole
in a bath of frogspawn!
70
00:04:51,368 --> 00:04:54,644
She looks like she's been pickled
in aspic up there.
71
00:04:54,808 --> 00:04:57,197
Oh, dear. Is she all right?
72
00:04:57,368 --> 00:05:01,759
would YOU be with both buttocks
glued together like treacle,
73
00:05:02,448 --> 00:05:07,078
a crossword papered to one bosom
and an Andy Capp cartoon to the other?
74
00:05:07,248 --> 00:05:11,241
I'll be up all evening now
scraping them with a squeegee!
75
00:05:11,408 --> 00:05:16,402
I'm sorry about that. I suppose at least
there's no lasting damage done.
76
00:05:19,248 --> 00:05:21,637
what's that supposed to mean?
77
00:05:21,808 --> 00:05:26,324
I suppose it was also your idea
to store the Polyfilla in that old Steradent tin?
78
00:05:27,808 --> 00:05:29,321
what?
79
00:05:35,248 --> 00:05:37,762
You can start chipping!
80
00:05:43,328 --> 00:05:45,125
Oh!
81
00:05:49,328 --> 00:05:52,400
Are you nearly ready, Mum,
or we'll miss the train?
82
00:05:52,568 --> 00:05:56,356
And don't try and carry that big suitcase down
with your ankle!
83
00:06:10,128 --> 00:06:12,562
Have a nice day in Kettering.
84
00:06:13,168 --> 00:06:15,602
If that's not a contradiction in terms.
85
00:06:15,768 --> 00:06:20,284
I think she'll be glad to get home after last night.
will you be all right all day?
86
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:24,327
You'd better eat up that pasta.
It goes off at midnight.
87
00:06:24,488 --> 00:06:26,365
Yes.
88
00:06:26,528 --> 00:06:29,247
well, I'll love you and leave you, then.
89
00:06:30,168 --> 00:06:34,684
You'll have a nice morning of peace and quiet.
You can get on with your script.
90
00:06:34,848 --> 00:06:37,316
- I certainly...
- (CLATTER)
91
00:06:43,648 --> 00:06:45,639
Oh, Mum!
92
00:06:49,848 --> 00:06:52,237
we're off now. See you tonight.
93
00:06:52,408 --> 00:06:54,399
Bye, then. Bye, Mum!
94
00:06:54,568 --> 00:06:59,278
(MARGARET)
No, Mum, it's hardly noticeable this morning.
95
00:06:59,448 --> 00:07:03,441
And anyway, people will just think
it's a new type of hair gel.
96
00:07:06,728 --> 00:07:09,196
(FRONT DOOR CLOSES)
97
00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:14,237
(SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)
98
00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:20,800
First time in eight days.
99
00:07:22,168 --> 00:07:23,840
Bliss!
100
00:07:25,448 --> 00:07:28,087
(PHONE RINGS)
101
00:07:31,968 --> 00:07:33,287
Hello.
102
00:07:33,448 --> 00:07:39,478
Good morning, my name is mr RS Gridley,ringing from Kidderminster,
103
00:07:39,648 --> 00:07:40,967
Yes?
104
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:47,237
K-I-D-D-E-R-m-I-N-S-T-E-R,
105
00:07:47,408 --> 00:07:48,727
Yes?
106
00:07:48,888 --> 00:07:54,246
In first place, Shot B,mike Hallett against John Virgo,
107
00:07:55,648 --> 00:07:58,116
- what?
- In second place, Shot D,
108
00:07:58,288 --> 00:08:01,598
Doug mountjoy against Jimmy White,
109
00:08:01,768 --> 00:08:04,999
- I beg your pardon?
- In third place, Shot H,
110
00:08:05,168 --> 00:08:08,285
Dennis Taylor against Bill Werbeniuk,
111
00:08:08,448 --> 00:08:11,963
- Dennis Taylor...? Hello, hello!
- (LINE GOES DEAD )
112
00:08:12,768 --> 00:08:15,282
Mad, utterly mad!
113
00:08:17,928 --> 00:08:20,567
All right, then. where was I?
114
00:08:20,728 --> 00:08:23,196
(PHONE RINGS)
115
00:08:25,568 --> 00:08:26,887
Hello.
116
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:32,042
This is Gordon James Kirkcaldyringing from Kirkcaldy,
117
00:08:32,208 --> 00:08:34,039
Yes?
118
00:08:34,208 --> 00:08:39,407
In first place, Shot F,John Parrott against Tony meo,
119
00:08:39,568 --> 00:08:41,763
Look, what the hell is this?
120
00:08:41,928 --> 00:08:46,524
In second place, Shot D,Doug mountjoy against Jimmy White,
121
00:08:46,688 --> 00:08:49,077
Look, you've got the wrong number!
122
00:08:49,248 --> 00:08:53,924
In third place, Shot A,Steve Davis against Eddie Charlton,
123
00:08:54,088 --> 00:08:56,648
- Look, you've got... Hello!
- (LINE GOES DEAD )
124
00:09:09,168 --> 00:09:11,682
(PHONE RINGS)
125
00:09:13,888 --> 00:09:15,560
- Yes?
- Hello,
126
00:09:15,728 --> 00:09:17,446
Hello!
127
00:09:17,608 --> 00:09:22,477
This is Erik Eidel hereringing from Stockholm, Sweden,
128
00:09:22,648 --> 00:09:28,723
And here are my votes in the BBC ''ShotOf The Championship'' snooker competition,
129
00:09:28,888 --> 00:09:31,356
Look, what am I? Katie Boyle?
130
00:09:31,528 --> 00:09:36,966
You've all misdialled. You're all coming through
to a private number. Do you understand?
131
00:09:38,168 --> 00:09:41,444
In first place, Shot B,,,
132
00:09:41,608 --> 00:09:43,678
Go away!
133
00:09:44,368 --> 00:09:47,121
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Hello!
134
00:09:47,288 --> 00:09:51,076
- Victor meldrew?
- who's he playing against? Hurricane Higgins?
135
00:09:51,248 --> 00:09:54,081
I've just... Oh, yes, that's me.
136
00:09:55,048 --> 00:09:58,324
- Speaking.
- Good morning, my name is Desirée Gibson,
137
00:09:58,488 --> 00:10:01,719
I was ringing for mrs meldrew,She's in Kettering?
138
00:10:01,888 --> 00:10:04,641
Yes, that's right. Do you want a number for her?
139
00:10:04,808 --> 00:10:07,163
It's er...
140
00:10:07,328 --> 00:10:11,321
0536 598765.
141
00:10:11,488 --> 00:10:15,003
- I should try her around 12.
- You're very kind. Thank you.
142
00:10:15,168 --> 00:10:17,602
That's all right. Goodbye.
143
00:10:18,808 --> 00:10:24,440
How you're supposed to write with interruptions
every three seconds just fair boggles the mind!
144
00:10:29,168 --> 00:10:32,956
A bit of peace and quiet is not a lot to ask for
on a Monday morning.
145
00:10:39,248 --> 00:10:42,126
I think you're all right there.
146
00:10:42,288 --> 00:10:44,722
No worries at all there, Mr Meldrew.
147
00:10:44,888 --> 00:10:47,482
what the bloody hell are you doing in there?
148
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:53,120
Mrs Meldrew was concerned the outlet
might be a bit clogged up, but it's all clear now.
149
00:10:53,768 --> 00:10:59,161
I'm going up to your loft to have a look at
your overflow. Oh, you need a new Toilet Duck.
150
00:10:59,328 --> 00:11:01,125
Do I?
151
00:11:07,528 --> 00:11:10,884
Can't even get any privacy
in your own toilet now.
152
00:11:14,728 --> 00:11:18,038
- Is Mick in here?
- No, he's not. Go away!
153
00:11:25,208 --> 00:11:27,597
(CHUCKLES)
154
00:11:27,768 --> 00:11:30,999
- You had a good day, then, evidently.
- Eventually.
155
00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:35,684
After spending half the morning
manning the BBC snooker switchboard.
156
00:11:36,648 --> 00:11:40,277
And having arguments
with three people at British Telecom.
157
00:11:40,448 --> 00:11:42,916
I had more peace during the Blitz!
158
00:11:43,768 --> 00:11:46,043
How was your day?
159
00:11:46,208 --> 00:11:49,996
Oh, did that woman ring you at your mother's?
Desirée Gibbon?
160
00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:52,921
Oh, yes. Gibson.
161
00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:55,921
That's what I meant to tell you.
162
00:11:56,088 --> 00:11:58,886
She's invited us to dinner at her place.
163
00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:02,396
- I didn't know you knew her.
- well, I don't.
164
00:12:02,568 --> 00:12:05,036
But she seemed to know all about me.
165
00:12:05,688 --> 00:12:09,044
She says she's holding a ''Bergerac'' party.
166
00:12:09,208 --> 00:12:13,599
You know, about half a dozen of her friends
to watch her episode
167
00:12:13,768 --> 00:12:16,236
as it goes out on the air on Friday.
168
00:12:17,408 --> 00:12:22,528
She said how are we fixed? I said we'd got
nothing on. It would be a thrill for both of us.
169
00:12:22,688 --> 00:12:27,478
Is that the sort of thrill you get
when you plug your fingers into a light socket?
170
00:12:29,408 --> 00:12:32,798
How often do we get invited out
to dinner parties?
171
00:12:32,968 --> 00:12:37,439
It'll be a change from sitting
stuck in front of the television all evening.
172
00:12:37,608 --> 00:12:40,076
And you never know, with her contacts,
173
00:12:40,248 --> 00:12:43,718
she might know someone
who could look at your script.
174
00:12:44,448 --> 00:12:46,166
Hmm.
175
00:12:50,368 --> 00:12:53,201
(LAUGHS)
176
00:12:53,368 --> 00:12:57,520
- what's it about? Can I see?
- when I've finished, I told you.
177
00:13:03,368 --> 00:13:07,884
I presume Mick Stacey gave you his verdict
on that overflow pipe in the loft?
178
00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:10,243
He did, yes.
179
00:13:10,408 --> 00:13:15,198
He told me the pipe was a complete write-off.
Corroded away to begorra, he said.
180
00:13:16,368 --> 00:13:18,836
''Buggery'', I think you'll find.
181
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:22,522
- Sorry?
- ''Corroded away to buggery.''
182
00:13:22,688 --> 00:13:26,476
It's a technical term they use
in the plumbing industry.
183
00:13:26,648 --> 00:13:30,118
It's all under control.
I'm getting a new one tomorrow.
184
00:13:30,288 --> 00:13:31,801
You are?
185
00:13:31,968 --> 00:13:36,962
I think you can trust me to fit an overflow pipe.
Pay him 50 quid for the privilege!
186
00:13:38,808 --> 00:13:41,322
And we need a new Toilet Duck as well.
187
00:13:42,168 --> 00:13:43,681
I know.
188
00:13:56,248 --> 00:13:58,637
(CHUCKLES)
189
00:13:59,528 --> 00:14:02,520
(MUMBLES AND LAUGHS)
190
00:14:05,968 --> 00:14:08,163
It's very good.
191
00:14:37,008 --> 00:14:38,999
Excuse me.
192
00:14:39,648 --> 00:14:42,401
what the bloody hell do you think this is?
193
00:14:42,568 --> 00:14:46,880
There's a litter bin on the corner,
or is that too far for you to walk?
194
00:14:47,048 --> 00:14:51,564
You might like living in a sewer,
but other people prefer to walk down this road
195
00:14:51,728 --> 00:14:55,243
without being knee-deep
in your half-digested lunch!
196
00:14:55,408 --> 00:14:58,047
Are you going to pick that up?
197
00:14:58,208 --> 00:15:03,760
Either you pick that up or I'm going to make
a citizen's arrest and have you prosecuted!
198
00:15:05,648 --> 00:15:08,845
Don't twitch your head about
or you'll make me slip!
199
00:15:09,008 --> 00:15:11,647
You're cutting into my neck.
200
00:15:11,808 --> 00:15:16,324
If you don't keep still,
you'll be picking this ear up off the carpet!
201
00:15:16,488 --> 00:15:22,404
I just wish you'd leave well alone, instead of
going around everywhere like Charles Bronson.
202
00:15:24,208 --> 00:15:28,963
Mentally defective people like that
must have a Double whopper for a brain.
203
00:15:29,128 --> 00:15:32,643
Yes, well, you're lucky
he didn't do something far worse.
204
00:15:32,808 --> 00:15:36,323
It's lucky he didn't see
I was carrying a Toilet Duck.
205
00:15:37,048 --> 00:15:39,562
Oh, this thing's as blunt as old Harry!
206
00:15:39,728 --> 00:15:43,516
I'm going to the shed
to see if we've got some new blades.
207
00:15:46,288 --> 00:15:48,483
(DOORBELL)
208
00:16:02,168 --> 00:16:04,807
Don't even think about it!
209
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:13,765
33.
210
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,287
34.
211
00:16:21,368 --> 00:16:23,279
35.
212
00:16:25,408 --> 00:16:27,205
36.
213
00:16:30,208 --> 00:16:35,965
wonderful. A precious record of your mother's
80th birthday for us to treasure for always (!)
214
00:16:39,528 --> 00:16:42,725
No wonder they do them cheaper
than anyone else.
215
00:16:43,968 --> 00:16:46,482
well, we won't be using them again.
216
00:16:49,048 --> 00:16:50,561
well...
217
00:16:52,768 --> 00:16:56,283
I'm off up now.
I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow.
218
00:16:56,448 --> 00:17:01,966
I've got rehearsals in the evening and some big
arrangements to get ready, so I'll be out early.
219
00:17:02,128 --> 00:17:04,596
Same with me, as it happens.
220
00:17:05,408 --> 00:17:08,241
why? where are you off to tomorrow?
221
00:17:08,408 --> 00:17:12,481
Nowhere in particular.
Just got a little job to take care of.
222
00:18:18,128 --> 00:18:20,596
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
223
00:18:42,448 --> 00:18:46,760
Come on, Prue. Are you sure
you haven't got time for breakfast, darling?
224
00:18:46,928 --> 00:18:49,396
My God, I must have been drunk last night.
225
00:18:49,568 --> 00:18:52,958
- How about a pair of squeezed grapefruit?
- Get off!
226
00:18:53,128 --> 00:18:54,800
Morning!
227
00:18:56,568 --> 00:19:01,164
Sorry to disturb you, only I've just had
a disaster with my upstairs plumbing.
228
00:19:01,328 --> 00:19:04,240
- Just a second, Margaret. Sorry.
- (BANGING)
229
00:19:04,408 --> 00:19:08,117
- Sure you're OK up there, Martin?
- Doesn't look too safe.
230
00:19:08,888 --> 00:19:12,198
I'm fine. You just carry on.
231
00:19:13,208 --> 00:19:14,960
OK.
232
00:19:15,128 --> 00:19:18,677
- Sorry. Shall we go from your entrance again?
- All right.
233
00:19:46,288 --> 00:19:50,679
Leave that cactus and come over here.
Take your tights off another time.
234
00:19:50,848 --> 00:19:53,726
If I'm not there by ten,
Charles will get suspicious.
235
00:19:53,888 --> 00:19:56,277
Don't forget to take the cat in to be doctored.
236
00:19:56,448 --> 00:20:00,600
I might join him! I wonder what he would say
if he knew what was in store.
237
00:20:00,768 --> 00:20:04,363
- I can wave goodbye to this pair.
- Something like that!
238
00:20:04,528 --> 00:20:06,598
Aaaaagh!
239
00:20:06,768 --> 00:20:12,001
- Oh! My God! Martin!
- I said he wasn't safe on that bloody gantry!
240
00:20:12,168 --> 00:20:14,762
Martin, speak to us! Are you all right?
241
00:20:14,928 --> 00:20:19,524
- Can you move? what is it? Your leg?
- My...my pacemaker!
242
00:20:22,608 --> 00:20:25,406
You could've killed yourself, man!
243
00:20:25,568 --> 00:20:29,038
I'll flag a car
and we'll run him off to the hospital!
244
00:20:29,208 --> 00:20:31,847
Look at his leg. He'll bleed to death!
245
00:20:32,008 --> 00:20:33,885
Hang on.
246
00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:39,124
(MARGARET)
we need a tourniquet or something.
247
00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:43,167
I'll get a bit of this curtain up the top here.
248
00:20:43,328 --> 00:20:46,001
It's all seeping through here.
249
00:20:46,168 --> 00:20:48,602
Come off, you bloody stupid thing!
250
00:20:48,768 --> 00:20:50,918
- Aaaagh!
- Hilary!
251
00:20:51,088 --> 00:20:53,283
(CHUCKLES)
252
00:20:58,728 --> 00:21:00,923
Are you all right?
253
00:21:01,088 --> 00:21:05,764
I'll be fine. Here!
Let's get this round his knee. You lift it.
254
00:21:05,928 --> 00:21:10,558
It's no good. Some bloody idiot
has parked his car right across the entrance.
255
00:21:12,848 --> 00:21:17,239
we can't carry him all that way.
we'll have to call for an ambulance.
256
00:21:17,408 --> 00:21:19,922
Get him to the sofa. Can you walk at all?
257
00:21:20,808 --> 00:21:23,197
Yes, I-I think so.
258
00:21:23,368 --> 00:21:26,007
Take it easy. Slowly, slowly...
259
00:21:26,808 --> 00:21:29,368
(CONTINUES CHUCKLING)
260
00:21:30,048 --> 00:21:33,882
- we don't have far to go. Are you all right?
- You've got him?
261
00:21:34,048 --> 00:21:35,720
Aaaagh!
262
00:21:39,728 --> 00:21:42,526
(VICTOR CONTINUES CLAPPING)
263
00:21:49,568 --> 00:21:51,559
Victor?
264
00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:53,923
Is that you?
265
00:21:58,328 --> 00:22:02,844
I'm absolutely amazed.
I wouldn't have believed you had it in you.
266
00:22:03,728 --> 00:22:05,719
45 pages...
267
00:22:05,888 --> 00:22:08,163
of absolute drivel.
268
00:22:10,888 --> 00:22:12,606
what?
269
00:22:12,768 --> 00:22:15,407
Is this supposed to be funny?
270
00:22:15,568 --> 00:22:18,640
- what do you mean?
- It wouldn't happen, would it?
271
00:22:18,808 --> 00:22:23,598
Stupid things like that in real life.
where do you get such ridiculous ideas?
272
00:22:25,408 --> 00:22:27,080
Oh.
273
00:22:27,688 --> 00:22:30,361
I thought it had come out rather well.
274
00:22:30,968 --> 00:22:33,846
well... well, that's that down the drain.
275
00:22:35,248 --> 00:22:37,443
Five weeks' work.
276
00:22:38,888 --> 00:22:43,484
I've been enjoying writing that.
I thought I'd found something I was good at.
277
00:22:44,248 --> 00:22:48,127
That's just my opinion.
The judges might love it.
278
00:22:48,888 --> 00:22:53,723
No, you're right. I've obviously been
wasting my time completely as usual.
279
00:22:54,568 --> 00:22:58,846
why don't you bring it along tonight?
To Desirée's. See what she says.
280
00:22:59,008 --> 00:23:01,681
She'll give you a more professional opinion.
281
00:23:01,848 --> 00:23:05,841
That reminds me. She asked me
to record that programme for her.
282
00:23:21,448 --> 00:23:24,440
How long do you think
it'll take us to get there?
283
00:23:25,208 --> 00:23:27,927
I suppose we should leave ourselves about...
284
00:23:34,448 --> 00:23:37,520
- Any sign of them yet, darling?
- Nothing, no.
285
00:23:37,688 --> 00:23:41,966
- They must have got delayed somewhere.
- Hurry up, it's just starting.
286
00:23:42,128 --> 00:23:44,642
(''BERGERAC'' THEmE mUSIC)
287
00:23:51,328 --> 00:23:55,844
- Sergeant, how are you today?-Just about staying the course, my love,
288
00:23:57,008 --> 00:24:01,240
Fillet steak, I think, medium rare,And a drop of the Chardonnay,
289
00:24:01,408 --> 00:24:04,047
I think we've got a bottle, I'll just check,
290
00:24:04,208 --> 00:24:08,724
JimI Over hereIWhat are you doing here, you old reprobate?
291
00:24:10,528 --> 00:24:12,007
Brilliant!
292
00:24:12,168 --> 00:24:14,682
Did you have to do much research, Dessie?
293
00:24:14,848 --> 00:24:20,445
well, on that one, I did try and visit a few
restaurants. Just to absorb the atmosphere.
294
00:24:21,608 --> 00:24:24,122
- (DOORBELL)
- That'll be Victor and Margaret.
295
00:24:24,288 --> 00:24:27,280
- I'll get it.
- I thought they would never make it.
296
00:24:27,448 --> 00:24:30,884
It means we can all eat,
if you'd like to take your places.
297
00:24:31,848 --> 00:24:37,127
After the bypass,
it was at a complete and total standstill.
298
00:24:37,288 --> 00:24:40,997
I'm sorry we had to open the wine
for Victor to take his Valium.
299
00:24:42,328 --> 00:24:45,684
I know. It is getting worse, no doubt about it.
300
00:24:46,488 --> 00:24:50,720
Right, I believe
Desirée mentioned seafood on the phone.
301
00:24:50,888 --> 00:24:53,356
Yes. That's all right with us, isn't it?
302
00:24:53,528 --> 00:24:55,723
- Hmm.
- Lovely.
303
00:25:02,168 --> 00:25:04,557
- where is it, then?
- Sorry?
304
00:25:05,528 --> 00:25:08,281
- where is it?
- what?
305
00:25:09,328 --> 00:25:11,319
The seafood.
306
00:25:13,248 --> 00:25:14,840
Seafood?
307
00:25:15,008 --> 00:25:19,240
Yes. Look, if you couldn't manage it after all,
it's no sweat.
308
00:25:19,408 --> 00:25:22,923
whatever you've prepared for us,
I'm sure it's marvellous.
309
00:25:23,088 --> 00:25:28,242
Right, now, the plates are all in here,
warmed up and ready.
310
00:25:28,408 --> 00:25:31,286
And serving dishes in here.
311
00:25:31,448 --> 00:25:36,124
And any other utensils you may need,
I'm sure you'll soon find them.
312
00:25:36,728 --> 00:25:42,007
Right, I don't suppose you want me breathing
down your neck while you're working,
313
00:25:42,168 --> 00:25:45,365
so I'll just go through and join the others...
314
00:25:45,528 --> 00:25:48,247
and await all your delicacies.
315
00:25:49,088 --> 00:25:53,923
Oh, when you're ready with the first course,
just stick it through the hatch.
316
00:26:02,168 --> 00:26:06,958
I wonder if there's a room in the house
where I can kill myself.
317
00:26:08,048 --> 00:26:14,396
Oh, one more thing. If you could just put
the desserts on the trolley, we'll help ourselves.
318
00:26:14,568 --> 00:26:16,798
M-Mr Gibson!
319
00:26:16,968 --> 00:26:19,960
I-I think there's been a bit of a mix-up here.
320
00:26:20,648 --> 00:26:23,367
we haven't brought any food with us.
321
00:26:23,528 --> 00:26:26,918
I'm afraid there's been
a terrible misunderstanding.
322
00:26:27,088 --> 00:26:29,283
Misunderstanding?
323
00:26:30,208 --> 00:26:32,722
But you agreed it all with my wife.
324
00:26:33,728 --> 00:26:36,367
On the phone the other day?
325
00:26:36,528 --> 00:26:40,282
No, I don't know where she got that impression.
326
00:26:41,048 --> 00:26:43,846
You told her you were in catering.
327
00:26:44,968 --> 00:26:47,084
In Kettering.
328
00:26:51,168 --> 00:26:52,886
Ah.
329
00:26:53,048 --> 00:26:56,563
- what is it?
- They're not a bloody catering firm at all.
330
00:26:56,728 --> 00:26:59,447
You've got it all arse about face as usual!
331
00:26:59,608 --> 00:27:03,886
God Almighty, you were supposed
to phone up to confirm all the details!
332
00:27:04,048 --> 00:27:07,040
I tried a dozen times.
The phone was off the hook!
333
00:27:07,208 --> 00:27:09,768
Heavens above, woman, you must've realised!
334
00:27:09,928 --> 00:27:14,718
what did you think I was talking about
when I said to make sure you brought the bill?
335
00:27:27,008 --> 00:27:29,397
- Aren't they back yet?
- No.
336
00:27:29,568 --> 00:27:32,241
You know what that takeaway's like on a Friday.
337
00:27:32,408 --> 00:27:34,558
Nice of them to volunteer.
338
00:27:34,728 --> 00:27:37,196
well, these things do happen.
339
00:27:37,368 --> 00:27:41,361
If anyone would like some more soup,
I can open another tin.
340
00:27:42,008 --> 00:27:47,162
Gerry was telling us the most horrific story,
how he was vandalised this week.
341
00:27:47,328 --> 00:27:51,924
That's right. wednesday lunchtime.
I parked the car to go in the post office.
342
00:27:52,088 --> 00:27:57,685
when I come back, some cretinous arsehole
has dumped a sack of garbage inside my car!
343
00:27:58,568 --> 00:28:01,560
Gunge and crap everywhere,
for no reason at all!
344
00:28:01,728 --> 00:28:06,119
Jesus Christ, if I find him,
I'll have his balls for bacon dumplings!
345
00:28:06,288 --> 00:28:11,601
Terrible. The trouble is, they never catch them,
do they? They always get away with it.
346
00:28:11,768 --> 00:28:16,159
Except this one made a fatal error,
left a clue behind.
347
00:28:16,328 --> 00:28:20,003
- A clue?
- A load of crook transparencies.
348
00:28:20,168 --> 00:28:22,841
I found them amongst the potato peelings.
349
00:28:23,008 --> 00:28:24,521
Ah!
350
00:28:24,688 --> 00:28:27,680
Some gormless goolie in a cap in most of them.
351
00:28:28,928 --> 00:28:33,399
I'm not a vindictive man,
but if I ever come across this bastard...
352
00:28:36,768 --> 00:28:40,044
Still, let's not get morbid
at the dinner table, eh?
353
00:28:40,208 --> 00:28:42,802
- Sounds as if our tucker's arrived.
- Ah!
354
00:28:44,048 --> 00:28:47,836
Right, we're back, everyone.
who's for a Double whopper?
355
00:28:50,088 --> 00:28:53,717
# They say I might as well face the truth
356
00:28:53,888 --> 00:28:56,800
# That I am just too long in the tooth
357
00:28:56,968 --> 00:29:00,199
# I've started to deteriorate
358
00:29:00,368 --> 00:29:03,804
# And now I've passed my own sell-by date
359
00:29:03,968 --> 00:29:07,643
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it 's true
360
00:29:07,808 --> 00:29:11,118
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
361
00:29:11,288 --> 00:29:14,485
# And my old knees have started to knock
362
00:29:14,648 --> 00:29:17,765
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
363
00:29:17,928 --> 00:29:21,716
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
364
00:29:21,888 --> 00:29:25,642
# It's true that my body has seen better days
365
00:29:25,808 --> 00:29:29,357
# But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
366
00:29:29,528 --> 00:29:32,122
# One foot in the grave
367
00:29:32,848 --> 00:29:35,487
# One foot in the grave
368
00:29:36,488 --> 00:29:39,400
# One foot in the grave #
369
00:29:39,450 --> 00:29:44,000
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