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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:06,289 Speaking Italian... 2 00:00:07,671 --> 00:00:09,585 Speaking Italian... 3 00:00:20,224 --> 00:00:22,063 We're taking a four-week bicycle trip 4 00:00:22,141 --> 00:00:23,610 through the vineyards of Italy! 5 00:00:23,688 --> 00:00:25,735 We figure that this summer, our whole lives 6 00:00:25,813 --> 00:00:27,131 are gonna be turned upside-down 7 00:00:27,213 --> 00:00:30,634 when Haley, Dylan, and their twins move in with us, 8 00:00:30,716 --> 00:00:33,822 so why not splurge on a grandbaby-moon? 9 00:00:33,904 --> 00:00:35,539 So we've been hitting the language tapes, 10 00:00:35,621 --> 00:00:37,459 the, uh... The stationary bikes, 11 00:00:37,541 --> 00:00:40,016 and a couple of times a day, I wolfishly whistle at Claire 12 00:00:40,094 --> 00:00:42,868 to prepare her for that timeless Roman charm. 13 00:00:43,847 --> 00:00:46,532 I can't believe after all those nights at Fratelli's 14 00:00:46,610 --> 00:00:47,805 talking about going to Italy, 15 00:00:47,883 --> 00:00:49,253 it's actually happening. 16 00:00:49,335 --> 00:00:51,589 Ohh, American lady! 17 00:00:51,671 --> 00:00:53,442 Why do you do this to me? 18 00:00:53,524 --> 00:00:55,877 Don't make me practice my slap on you again. Mm. 19 00:00:55,959 --> 00:00:56,999 What's that? 20 00:00:57,076 --> 00:00:58,729 Oh, I'm on hold. I'm booking us 21 00:00:58,811 --> 00:01:01,117 into a converted castle in Tuscany 22 00:01:01,199 --> 00:01:03,000 for our anniversary. Does it have a moat? 23 00:01:03,082 --> 00:01:05,621 I've been working on all of our receipts for taxes. 24 00:01:05,703 --> 00:01:06,909 Looks like we're getting a refund, 25 00:01:06,986 --> 00:01:08,657 which means that we can afford to... 26 00:01:08,739 --> 00:01:10,346 To pay the dwarf who will lower the drawbridge 27 00:01:10,423 --> 00:01:12,009 if we answer his riddles three? 28 00:01:12,091 --> 00:01:14,363 I'm gonna nip this in the bud. No moat. 29 00:01:14,445 --> 00:01:16,280 This trip was such a great idea. 30 00:01:16,362 --> 00:01:18,300 Oh, I know. Ah. Mwah! 31 00:01:18,382 --> 00:01:20,275 Things are gonna be so hectic here this summer. Mm-hmm. 32 00:01:20,352 --> 00:01:21,885 It's weird to think people will be calling us. 33 00:01:21,930 --> 00:01:23,548 Grandpa and... No, please don't say it. 34 00:01:23,626 --> 00:01:25,874 Don't say that word. It makes me feel so old. 35 00:01:25,956 --> 00:01:28,040 But I have thought about what I want them to call me. 36 00:01:28,626 --> 00:01:30,477 - Gammy. - Gammy. 37 00:01:30,641 --> 00:01:31,993 Well, let's take her for a spin. 38 00:01:32,071 --> 00:01:33,824 "Hey, everyone, Gammy's here!" 39 00:01:33,965 --> 00:01:36,575 "Sorry, guys, not today, Gammy's in a mood." 40 00:01:36,653 --> 00:01:38,639 Yeah, it does. It works. Mm. Yeah. 41 00:01:38,784 --> 00:01:40,876 - Hey, roomies. - Hey... "Roomies"? 42 00:01:40,954 --> 00:01:42,974 What is with all the boxes and the bags? 43 00:01:43,052 --> 00:01:45,430 Well, I know we said we'd move in when the babies come, 44 00:01:45,508 --> 00:01:47,744 but then we thought about all the money we'd save. 45 00:01:47,830 --> 00:01:49,735 - Mucho dinero. - Mm. 46 00:01:50,114 --> 00:01:51,227 - Yes. - You look mad. 47 00:01:51,305 --> 00:01:52,925 I should've told you. I was afraid to tell you. 48 00:01:53,002 --> 00:01:54,890 I didn't think that I could handle the disappointment 49 00:01:54,967 --> 00:01:56,291 if you weren't happy about it. 50 00:01:56,368 --> 00:01:57,938 But you're not unhappy about it, right? 51 00:01:58,016 --> 00:01:59,621 Right?! Oh, honey. Oh, honey. 52 00:01:59,699 --> 00:02:02,286 Oh, my gosh, you're the best. I love you so much. 53 00:02:03,795 --> 00:02:06,141 Wow! What a journey. 54 00:02:06,423 --> 00:02:08,845 What is my life gonna be like when I'm in the hormonal stage? 55 00:02:08,924 --> 00:02:10,096 Oh, wait, there was one more thing, um... 56 00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:11,938 Hey, where should I put these boxes? 57 00:02:12,016 --> 00:02:13,604 My mom surprised us. We were hoping 58 00:02:13,686 --> 00:02:14,923 she could stay a couple days. 59 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,672 Hello, hello! 60 00:02:17,789 --> 00:02:20,035 Well, it's about time we officially met, 61 00:02:20,149 --> 00:02:22,901 considering our DNA is already swirling around 62 00:02:22,979 --> 00:02:25,712 in Haley's womb. 63 00:02:25,831 --> 00:02:26,868 Phil. 64 00:02:26,950 --> 00:02:28,537 - Oh, hey. - Mwah. 65 00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:29,633 - Claire. - Oh, hi. 66 00:02:30,708 --> 00:02:32,346 I'm Farrah. Hi, Farrah. 67 00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:35,096 - You look so familiar. - Well, I meet a lot of people 68 00:02:35,174 --> 00:02:37,023 with my work in the protest movement. 69 00:02:37,262 --> 00:02:40,016 Oh, did you participate in the Ivory is Murder Fun Run? 70 00:02:40,168 --> 00:02:42,870 - Not that I recall. - Sweetheart, why don't you show Farrah 71 00:02:42,948 --> 00:02:44,724 - where she will be sleeping. - Oh, no, 72 00:02:44,802 --> 00:02:46,537 I just need two weight-bearing hooks 73 00:02:46,619 --> 00:02:48,054 spaced seven feet apart. 74 00:02:48,132 --> 00:02:49,966 This kimono converts to a hammock. 75 00:02:50,059 --> 00:02:51,059 Ah. 76 00:02:51,141 --> 00:02:53,129 - Pronto! - Italy! 77 00:02:53,211 --> 00:02:54,367 - They answered! Where's the phone? - Oh! Oh, no, no, no. 78 00:02:54,445 --> 00:02:55,625 - Where's the phone? - I got it, right here. 79 00:02:55,703 --> 00:02:57,492 - You got it? Get it. - Yeah. Oh! 80 00:02:57,570 --> 00:02:59,422 Oh! Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry. 81 00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:00,618 - Let me get you some ice. - Damn it! 82 00:03:00,695 --> 00:03:02,882 No, no, don't worry. I brought magnets. 83 00:03:04,303 --> 00:03:06,071 Is that the way she treats all head injuries? 84 00:03:06,156 --> 00:03:07,424 Because I've got a theory. 85 00:03:08,085 --> 00:03:10,190 Captions by VITAC... 86 00:03:10,479 --> 00:03:12,691 Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. 87 00:03:12,768 --> 00:03:14,741 And brought to you by Ford. Going further, so you can. 88 00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:16,491 Sync corrections by srjanapala 89 00:03:16,593 --> 00:03:17,836 *MODERN FAMILY* Season 10 Episode 12 90 00:03:17,914 --> 00:03:19,454 Episode Title : "Blast From The Past". 91 00:03:20,537 --> 00:03:22,089 Sync corrections by srjanapala 92 00:03:22,167 --> 00:03:24,878 I want to give these old toys to Haley's babies. 93 00:03:25,012 --> 00:03:27,583 Oh, Joe, that's so sweet! 94 00:03:27,665 --> 00:03:30,754 Now I have room in the closet for my lizard. 95 00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:32,902 Lizard? I thought that you were just 96 00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:34,628 going to the pet shop to look. 97 00:03:34,706 --> 00:03:36,394 I can't say no to that face. 98 00:03:36,472 --> 00:03:38,628 You're gonna have to be bad cop 'til puberty, 99 00:03:38,706 --> 00:03:40,135 you know, when the Pritchett Adam's apple 100 00:03:40,213 --> 00:03:41,730 and fuzz-stache show up. 101 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:45,177 Manny, you should also give something for the twins. 102 00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:47,097 You both are gonna be uncles. 103 00:03:47,179 --> 00:03:49,967 That's a very proud tradition in our family. 104 00:03:50,049 --> 00:03:52,902 That's right, Joe. Our great-great Uncle Alvaro 105 00:03:52,984 --> 00:03:54,949 was a famous South American freedom fighter. 106 00:03:55,027 --> 00:03:56,955 You're kidding? My Great Uncle Erasmus 107 00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,341 was a hero at the Alamo. 108 00:03:58,423 --> 00:04:00,331 We're four sentences away from realizing 109 00:04:00,409 --> 00:04:01,800 they killed each other, right? 110 00:04:01,995 --> 00:04:03,846 Joe, next week, you have to go 111 00:04:03,924 --> 00:04:05,181 to school dressed as a hero. 112 00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:07,332 Why don't you dress as Uncle Alvaro? 113 00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:08,948 Or Uncle Erasmus. 114 00:04:09,107 --> 00:04:10,721 Ay, Jay, that's cute, 115 00:04:10,879 --> 00:04:13,800 but Alvaro was not only a war hero. 116 00:04:13,878 --> 00:04:16,252 He was a celebrated matador, 117 00:04:16,378 --> 00:04:18,865 Frida Kahlo's tango instructor, 118 00:04:19,010 --> 00:04:21,380 two-time winner of the Bogota Herald 119 00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:24,182 cartoon caption contest. 120 00:04:24,260 --> 00:04:26,471 No disrespect, but I don't think he was fit to shine. 121 00:04:26,549 --> 00:04:28,420 Erasmus J. Pritchett's boots, 122 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:32,491 which, incidentally, were made by a 9-foot Texas diamondback 123 00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:36,127 he stomped to death while arm-wrestling Davy Crockett. 124 00:04:36,205 --> 00:04:37,943 Did he kill all his clothes? 125 00:04:38,063 --> 00:04:40,112 He sure did. Come upstairs. I'll show you. 126 00:04:40,206 --> 00:04:42,424 I got a ring of his with a tooth in it 127 00:04:42,502 --> 00:04:44,346 he punched out of a puma. 128 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:46,628 Jay does this all the time. 129 00:04:46,706 --> 00:04:49,045 He disrespects our heritage and inflates his own. 130 00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,592 I mean, I'm not buying this Uncle Erasmus guy at all. 131 00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,112 I say we do a little digging. 132 00:04:53,194 --> 00:04:56,966 Yes! We can be like Inspector Tortuga, 133 00:04:57,048 --> 00:04:59,184 the turtle detective in Uncle Alvaro's 134 00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:01,205 popular children's book. 135 00:05:01,283 --> 00:05:05,824 He was always very slowly solving crimes. 136 00:05:06,054 --> 00:05:09,608 Turns out Jay's Uncle Erasmus did live in Texas in the 1830s, 137 00:05:09,686 --> 00:05:11,027 but not much was written about him. 138 00:05:17,625 --> 00:05:19,117 Gretchen. Manuel. 139 00:05:19,195 --> 00:05:20,633 Again, I'm so sorry abou... 140 00:05:20,711 --> 00:05:22,439 You'll have to return these within two weeks. 141 00:05:22,516 --> 00:05:24,414 Unlike my phone calls! 142 00:05:25,247 --> 00:05:26,617 Señor. 143 00:05:26,832 --> 00:05:29,502 We had to dig deeper, and since history 144 00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:31,742 is written by the victors... 145 00:05:33,752 --> 00:05:35,219 Muchas gracias. 146 00:05:35,297 --> 00:05:36,914 I brought my own. 147 00:05:37,197 --> 00:05:39,395 Mexican sources had a bit more to say 148 00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:42,555 about his actual involvement in the Alamo. 149 00:05:45,922 --> 00:05:48,000 Okay. Oh, really? 150 00:05:48,078 --> 00:05:50,516 You want to give away the very first Gucci hoodie 151 00:05:50,594 --> 00:05:52,908 - I ever bought our daughter? - Okay, "first Gucci" 152 00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:55,407 is why our retirement planner fired us as clients. 153 00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,694 Also, Haley and Dylan are having twins, okay? 154 00:05:57,776 --> 00:05:59,115 They really need this stuff. I know. 155 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,281 I-I-I still can't believe she's pregnant. 156 00:06:01,359 --> 00:06:03,586 Although... I know you're about to say something catty. 157 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:04,539 You're practically purring. 158 00:06:04,617 --> 00:06:07,474 Wasn't Claire a bit "fun" in her 20s? 159 00:06:07,552 --> 00:06:09,032 You know, we have a saying back home... 160 00:06:09,109 --> 00:06:11,713 "The crawdad don't skitter far from its crick." 161 00:06:11,828 --> 00:06:13,490 Okay, you're clutching a Dolce & Gabbana onesie... 162 00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:14,645 Decide who you are. 163 00:06:14,723 --> 00:06:16,518 And, by the way, it's not like your family 164 00:06:16,596 --> 00:06:18,465 doesn't have a wayward streak, okay? 165 00:06:18,543 --> 00:06:20,387 Pam's not exactly responsible. 166 00:06:20,465 --> 00:06:22,583 Oh, I'm sorry. Could an irresponsible woman 167 00:06:22,661 --> 00:06:24,763 win her prison's "Most Improved Wrestler" award? 168 00:06:24,841 --> 00:06:25,934 Okay, let's just admit 169 00:06:26,034 --> 00:06:28,237 we have wild women on both sides of the family. 170 00:06:28,315 --> 00:06:30,457 Oh, God. Maybe it's good 171 00:06:30,535 --> 00:06:32,286 Lily wasn't saddled with those genes. 172 00:06:32,364 --> 00:06:33,645 She sure wasn't. If anything, 173 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,215 I'm worried she acts a little young for her age. 174 00:06:36,293 --> 00:06:38,470 I mean, isn't 11 a little too old 175 00:06:38,548 --> 00:06:40,801 for these unicorns and teddy bears and... 176 00:06:40,879 --> 00:06:43,161 My... Playgirl? 177 00:06:43,325 --> 00:06:45,312 Oh! Oh, God. 178 00:06:45,390 --> 00:06:46,451 Where... Where did she get that? 179 00:06:46,528 --> 00:06:48,832 I didn't even know they still made these. 180 00:06:48,993 --> 00:06:51,348 Although it's heartening print media isn't completely dead. 181 00:06:51,430 --> 00:06:52,364 Okay, you're getting off track. 182 00:06:52,442 --> 00:06:54,809 Our daughter is looking at naked men. 183 00:06:54,887 --> 00:06:56,807 I know. We're gonna have to talk to her about it. 184 00:06:56,887 --> 00:06:58,293 You know, my parents never talked to me 185 00:06:58,370 --> 00:06:59,638 about anything sexual. 186 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,340 They just sent me to the stables 187 00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:02,684 when the horses were breeding, 188 00:07:02,762 --> 00:07:05,631 and wow, did that create some unreasonable expectations. 189 00:07:10,181 --> 00:07:12,387 No way! Who told her that? 190 00:07:12,465 --> 00:07:14,536 She... Uh-oh. 191 00:07:14,614 --> 00:07:17,262 The dads have their faces on. See you at the sleepover. 192 00:07:17,340 --> 00:07:18,786 - Hey! - Hey! 193 00:07:18,864 --> 00:07:20,958 So, listen, we need to talk to you about something. 194 00:07:21,036 --> 00:07:22,059 We, uh... We found a... 195 00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:23,622 - A magazine in your room. - Whoa! 196 00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:25,988 There's nothing to be embarrassed about. 197 00:07:26,066 --> 00:07:28,093 Oh, God, no, not at all. You're... You're going through 198 00:07:28,170 --> 00:07:30,160 a very exciting period of... of change 199 00:07:30,340 --> 00:07:33,011 - and... and hormones. And And... - And, um, urges. 200 00:07:33,166 --> 00:07:34,186 Got it. Solid parenting. 201 00:07:34,268 --> 00:07:35,307 - See you tomorrow. - No, no, no, no, no, no. 202 00:07:35,384 --> 00:07:36,475 No, no, no. Sweetheart. Come on. 203 00:07:36,552 --> 00:07:38,129 I-I-I know this is uncomfortable, but... 204 00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:40,301 You shouldn't be ashamed about wondering 205 00:07:40,379 --> 00:07:41,713 or being curious about sex. 206 00:07:41,817 --> 00:07:43,789 You know, the mingling of bodies 207 00:07:43,887 --> 00:07:46,238 can be a beautiful expression of love. 208 00:07:46,316 --> 00:07:48,613 Stop! They have classes about this in school, 209 00:07:48,691 --> 00:07:50,427 and if you don't want me looking at magazines like that, 210 00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,082 don't leave them on the sofa! 211 00:07:52,856 --> 00:07:54,394 The sofa? How did... 212 00:07:54,472 --> 00:07:55,807 - How did it get on the sofa? - I don't know. 213 00:07:55,884 --> 00:07:57,622 I don't... Ah, the babysitter. 214 00:07:57,705 --> 00:07:59,993 Or, you know, Haley, or... or Pam, or Claire. 215 00:08:00,083 --> 00:08:02,385 We were just talking about how perverted they are. 216 00:08:02,463 --> 00:08:05,668 Wait a minute. This is from 1997. 217 00:08:06,133 --> 00:08:08,707 And David Duchovny's on the cover. 218 00:08:08,874 --> 00:08:11,835 Didn't you have a thing for David Duchovny? 219 00:08:11,913 --> 00:08:14,559 Why... Wha... I don't even know who that is. 220 00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,457 He was on the... you know, the cheesy sci-fi show, 221 00:08:17,535 --> 00:08:20,410 the, uh... What was it? "The X-Files" or something? 222 00:08:20,488 --> 00:08:22,936 You know, kind of a dumbed-down "Men in Black"? 223 00:08:23,073 --> 00:08:24,454 They had that saying, you know? 224 00:08:24,532 --> 00:08:26,613 Saying was, "The truth is... up there"? 225 00:08:26,691 --> 00:08:28,560 You know damn well it's "The truth is out there"! 226 00:08:28,637 --> 00:08:30,020 Don't... Don't you crinkle it. 227 00:08:30,098 --> 00:08:32,402 Why do you have a 20-year-old nudie mag? 228 00:08:32,495 --> 00:08:34,190 Agent Mulder meant a lot to me, okay? 229 00:08:34,268 --> 00:08:36,073 He was brooding and handsome 230 00:08:36,151 --> 00:08:38,651 and obsessed with an uptight yet sexy redhead. 231 00:08:38,729 --> 00:08:40,504 Yeah, well, guess what. You wouldn't have had a chance 232 00:08:40,581 --> 00:08:41,879 with David Duchovny because, look. 233 00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:43,276 One of his turn-offs 234 00:08:43,354 --> 00:08:45,189 is "dishonest people." 235 00:08:45,395 --> 00:08:47,721 And why is it just lying around the house? 236 00:08:47,799 --> 00:08:49,212 I was bringing the trash bins 237 00:08:49,290 --> 00:08:50,581 into the garage the other day, 238 00:08:50,659 --> 00:08:52,706 and I noticed an old box of my stuff. 239 00:08:52,791 --> 00:08:55,119 I got nostalgic, and I decided to flip through it. 240 00:08:55,203 --> 00:08:57,442 Wait, garbage day? L-Last Wednesday? Yeah. 241 00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,550 The day we opened the bottle of Merlot, 242 00:08:59,628 --> 00:09:00,565 took it back to the bedroom, 243 00:09:00,643 --> 00:09:02,496 and had a rather spectacular... session? 244 00:09:02,574 --> 00:09:04,579 - Uh, was it that night? - Oh, please, 245 00:09:04,657 --> 00:09:06,639 it was the first time in years I'd seen your eyes 246 00:09:06,717 --> 00:09:08,035 roll back in your head without irony. 247 00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,952 Well, excuse me if I am attracted to you. 248 00:09:10,030 --> 00:09:12,065 Except it wasn't just me, was it? 249 00:09:12,162 --> 00:09:13,597 There were three of us in that bed. 250 00:09:13,675 --> 00:09:15,740 I sent you a dozen roses the next day. 251 00:09:15,818 --> 00:09:18,440 Apparently, I should've sent six to David Duchovny. 252 00:09:18,518 --> 00:09:19,956 Oh, come on! 253 00:09:20,034 --> 00:09:21,847 So what? I got a little extra worked up 254 00:09:21,925 --> 00:09:23,300 after looking at a sexy picture. 255 00:09:23,378 --> 00:09:24,648 People do it all the time. 256 00:09:24,726 --> 00:09:27,385 Pepper said it's the only reason he buys Brawny paper towels. 257 00:09:27,463 --> 00:09:29,943 So, I guess I'm weird for wanting to purely connect 258 00:09:30,021 --> 00:09:32,315 with you on an emotional level. 259 00:09:32,588 --> 00:09:34,268 Know what? I'm going to the gym. 260 00:09:34,371 --> 00:09:36,076 And good news, David Duchovny. 261 00:09:36,174 --> 00:09:38,307 You're not gonna be alone on the sofa tonight. 262 00:09:42,384 --> 00:09:44,150 Can you please hand me my iPod? 263 00:09:44,228 --> 00:09:45,566 You've robbed me of my dignity. 264 00:09:45,644 --> 00:09:48,158 You will not also rob me of my glorious exit. 265 00:09:48,293 --> 00:09:49,408 Thank you! 266 00:09:51,251 --> 00:09:52,485 There you go, buddy. 267 00:09:52,563 --> 00:09:54,468 Now you look like a real hero. 268 00:09:54,546 --> 00:09:57,149 I don't think I'm allowed to bring a knife to school. 269 00:09:57,227 --> 00:09:58,446 It's not sharp at all. 270 00:09:58,524 --> 00:10:00,495 And neither, apparently, are you. 271 00:10:00,573 --> 00:10:01,946 I told you if we waited a few minutes 272 00:10:02,023 --> 00:10:03,343 he'd give us a delicious segue. 273 00:10:03,421 --> 00:10:05,541 Your uncle Erasmus Pritchett 274 00:10:05,619 --> 00:10:07,657 was a hero at the Alamo... 275 00:10:07,888 --> 00:10:09,143 but for the other side. 276 00:10:09,221 --> 00:10:11,119 Yeah, he hid in a closet during the fighting, 277 00:10:11,197 --> 00:10:12,718 then stole a dress and escaped 278 00:10:12,796 --> 00:10:14,111 by pretending to be a prostitute. 279 00:10:14,189 --> 00:10:15,682 What?! I don't believe you. 280 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,861 These are official church documents. 281 00:10:17,939 --> 00:10:21,549 In this part, it says that he traded military secrets 282 00:10:21,627 --> 00:10:23,298 for rum and a new corset. 283 00:10:23,435 --> 00:10:25,997 "To this day, in Nuevo Laredo, 'to Erasmus' 284 00:10:26,075 --> 00:10:28,236 means 'to cry facedown on the ground.'" 285 00:10:28,352 --> 00:10:30,986 There's a picture of him cringing. 286 00:10:32,122 --> 00:10:35,033 I can't believe I named my lizard Erasmus. 287 00:10:35,161 --> 00:10:36,830 It was wartime, Joe! 288 00:10:36,908 --> 00:10:39,964 We can't judge a man who has lived through that kind of hell. 289 00:10:40,042 --> 00:10:41,330 He spent his post-war years 290 00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,471 spreading the gospel of vegetarianism. 291 00:10:43,549 --> 00:10:45,103 I have no uncle. 292 00:10:47,861 --> 00:10:50,205 Oh. This homeopathic remedy 293 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:52,588 is really gonna help Haley with morning sickness. 294 00:10:52,666 --> 00:10:54,424 Uh-huh. I got the recipe from a doula 295 00:10:54,502 --> 00:10:55,838 I met in an Uber pool. 296 00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:57,144 Well, you were right about one thing. 297 00:10:57,221 --> 00:10:58,674 It does... It does smell like 298 00:10:58,752 --> 00:11:00,674 a buffalo that was struck by lightning. 299 00:11:00,820 --> 00:11:02,908 When... When are you heading back up to Oregon? 300 00:11:02,986 --> 00:11:04,580 Oh, I'm done with that place. 301 00:11:04,721 --> 00:11:06,127 Oldest story in the world. 302 00:11:06,205 --> 00:11:08,627 You know, I thought I found a nice guy, then one morning, 303 00:11:08,705 --> 00:11:10,439 he up and tells me he's found six new women. 304 00:11:10,517 --> 00:11:12,830 - Mm. - I'm done with Bhagwans. 305 00:11:13,146 --> 00:11:15,221 Coming back as Dylan's mother? 306 00:11:15,310 --> 00:11:16,775 Not funny, Mom. 307 00:11:16,964 --> 00:11:18,649 Not funny at all! 308 00:11:19,416 --> 00:11:21,713 Buddy, are you sure you're okay? 309 00:11:21,791 --> 00:11:23,010 Trust me, I'm a nurse. 310 00:11:23,088 --> 00:11:25,768 By now there'd be clear signs if I had a concursion. 311 00:11:29,784 --> 00:11:31,404 Gosh, your mom looks familiar. 312 00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,136 She used to do a little modeling. 313 00:11:33,214 --> 00:11:34,715 Recently, she had her likeness stolen 314 00:11:34,793 --> 00:11:37,302 for one of those "Freeze-the-Fat" billboards. 315 00:11:41,043 --> 00:11:43,794 Dylan's Mom was the hot chick 316 00:11:43,872 --> 00:11:46,145 in the "Sex Kitty" music video. 317 00:11:46,223 --> 00:11:48,725 ♪ Sex kitty ♪ 318 00:11:48,810 --> 00:11:51,449 ♪ Sexy kitty ♪ 319 00:11:51,538 --> 00:11:53,525 ♪ Sex kitty ♪ 320 00:11:53,603 --> 00:11:54,935 ♪ Se... ♪ 321 00:11:55,197 --> 00:11:56,565 The songwriting isn't perfect, 322 00:11:56,643 --> 00:11:59,919 but this video changed everything. 323 00:12:00,396 --> 00:12:02,052 ♪ Ow! ♪ 324 00:12:02,130 --> 00:12:04,268 ♪ Sex kitty, se... ♪ 325 00:12:04,871 --> 00:12:07,099 Those bikes don't live there, do they? 326 00:12:07,177 --> 00:12:09,479 'Cause that is an ideal north-facing spot 327 00:12:09,557 --> 00:12:10,825 for a birthing tub. 328 00:12:10,903 --> 00:12:12,474 I wasn't aware that Haley 329 00:12:12,552 --> 00:12:14,099 was considering a home birth. 330 00:12:14,177 --> 00:12:16,630 Oh, I wasn't, but then Farrah really opened up my eyes 331 00:12:16,708 --> 00:12:18,653 to the birth-industrial complex. 332 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:20,641 You know, this room is kind of vibrating 333 00:12:20,719 --> 00:12:22,306 with ancient wounds. 334 00:12:22,384 --> 00:12:24,455 - Let's sage the area. - Okay. 335 00:12:24,533 --> 00:12:26,796 Dylan, honey, do you think you could grab that fan 336 00:12:26,874 --> 00:12:28,761 and maybe de-funk the kitchen a little? 337 00:12:28,865 --> 00:12:30,411 Oh, my God. 338 00:12:30,687 --> 00:12:34,044 Is, uh... Is Dylan's mom at all familiar to you? 339 00:12:34,122 --> 00:12:36,833 Yes! Thank God you noticed it, too. 340 00:12:36,978 --> 00:12:39,520 I can't believe that is gonna be in our life on a regular basis. 341 00:12:39,598 --> 00:12:41,755 I know. She's been driving me kind of crazy 342 00:12:41,833 --> 00:12:42,919 since I was a kid. 343 00:12:42,997 --> 00:12:44,661 Do you know how many nights I went to bed 344 00:12:44,739 --> 00:12:46,978 screaming her name into a pillow? 345 00:12:47,154 --> 00:12:48,355 Go on. 346 00:12:49,497 --> 00:12:51,927 - She broke it! - No, you broke it! 347 00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:54,426 Girls, it's fine! Also, who are you? 348 00:12:54,526 --> 00:12:56,434 Oh, I get my stepdaughters once a month 349 00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,942 when my ex-wife's on rotation with the National Guard. 350 00:12:59,020 --> 00:13:01,505 Mm. Girls, be careful with the chinchilla, okay? 351 00:13:01,583 --> 00:13:02,903 You know he has a nervous bowel. 352 00:13:02,981 --> 00:13:05,372 - Hi, girls! - Gammy! 353 00:13:05,615 --> 00:13:06,833 Gammy? 354 00:13:06,924 --> 00:13:08,031 The girls call you Gammy? 355 00:13:08,116 --> 00:13:09,397 That's funny, because I was hoping 356 00:13:09,474 --> 00:13:11,227 when Haley's twins came along, 357 00:13:11,305 --> 00:13:12,612 they might call me that. 358 00:13:12,690 --> 00:13:14,745 Oh, well, that might be confusing. 359 00:13:14,823 --> 00:13:16,698 - But maybe you could be something else. - Hm. 360 00:13:16,776 --> 00:13:18,737 How about "Gaga"? Maybe we don't have to lock 361 00:13:18,815 --> 00:13:19,947 anything down right now. 362 00:13:20,025 --> 00:13:22,260 Oh, my God. I love it! 363 00:13:22,338 --> 00:13:24,213 Hey, Gaga! 364 00:13:24,291 --> 00:13:26,698 - Squeaker's loose! Get him! - Aah! 365 00:13:28,681 --> 00:13:29,882 I'll get him! 366 00:13:34,173 --> 00:13:35,625 Do you see it, Phil? What?! 367 00:13:35,754 --> 00:13:37,190 No, I didn't see anything, so... 368 00:13:37,268 --> 00:13:38,329 - Aah! - Oh! 369 00:13:38,407 --> 00:13:40,837 - Ooh! - I'm so sorry, D! 370 00:13:40,995 --> 00:13:42,079 If you weren't my hero, 371 00:13:42,157 --> 00:13:43,891 I'd wonder if you're doing this on purpose! 372 00:13:43,969 --> 00:13:45,240 Oh, my God, Dad! 373 00:13:45,318 --> 00:13:46,919 What's wrong with him, Mom? 374 00:13:47,173 --> 00:13:48,915 - Mom? - Claire? 375 00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:50,477 Gaga? 376 00:13:56,037 --> 00:13:58,219 Hey, handsome, this seat taken? 377 00:13:58,297 --> 00:13:59,431 Hey, what are you doing here? 378 00:13:59,509 --> 00:14:01,114 Well, I brought you a smoothie, although, 379 00:14:01,248 --> 00:14:02,550 you don't need it because you're already 380 00:14:02,627 --> 00:14:05,618 100% fruity deliciousness. 381 00:14:05,696 --> 00:14:06,782 Maybe I just get right to it. 382 00:14:06,859 --> 00:14:08,571 Look, Mitchell, I appreciate. 383 00:14:08,649 --> 00:14:10,226 - No, no, listen. - What you're doing... 384 00:14:10,303 --> 00:14:11,602 Lily's at a sleepover tonight, 385 00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,501 so I got us a suite 386 00:14:13,584 --> 00:14:15,423 at Whispers Resort and Spa. 387 00:14:15,839 --> 00:14:17,696 Isn't that the place, uh, Jen Aniston goes to 388 00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:19,061 - after her divorces? - Yes. 389 00:14:19,139 --> 00:14:21,889 And I'm sorry about the silly Playgirl thing. 390 00:14:22,088 --> 00:14:24,357 I-I want you to feel what I feel every day. 391 00:14:24,526 --> 00:14:26,491 That you only have eyes for me. 392 00:14:28,115 --> 00:14:30,960 Call me old-fashioned. I just don't see other men. 393 00:14:32,874 --> 00:14:34,258 Sweetie, your... your heart rate's setting off an alarm. 394 00:14:34,335 --> 00:14:35,288 Why... Why don't you get off that bike? 395 00:14:35,366 --> 00:14:36,914 Yeah, that's a good idea. You know what? 396 00:14:36,991 --> 00:14:38,476 Why don't we go to the spa, see if we can get an early treatment? 397 00:14:38,553 --> 00:14:39,593 I love that. 398 00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,382 Oh, smoothie. 399 00:14:41,971 --> 00:14:43,264 Okay. 400 00:14:43,499 --> 00:14:45,554 Hey, you're... You're really sweating. 401 00:14:45,761 --> 00:14:47,155 You should get a towel. 402 00:14:49,729 --> 00:14:51,223 Okay, you're acting weird. 403 00:14:51,301 --> 00:14:53,934 - What's going on? - Okay, look, I just... 404 00:14:54,012 --> 00:14:56,723 Um, I'm excited about that hotel. 405 00:14:56,801 --> 00:14:58,670 I mean, there's a lot of Hollywood history there. 406 00:14:58,747 --> 00:15:00,950 You know, they say the Little Rascals 407 00:15:01,028 --> 00:15:02,325 used to have orgies there. 408 00:15:02,403 --> 00:15:03,855 Ah. 409 00:15:03,977 --> 00:15:05,129 Hey, Cam! 410 00:15:05,207 --> 00:15:08,194 I almost forgot the homemade protein bars you brought for us! 411 00:15:08,272 --> 00:15:09,283 Well, I'll see you next time! 412 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:10,989 Yeah! Who is that? 413 00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:13,676 Wow, that's an interesting view. 414 00:15:14,290 --> 00:15:15,387 What? It's a parking lot. 415 00:15:15,465 --> 00:15:16,904 - There's a Dumpster. - Oh, please. Come on. 416 00:15:16,981 --> 00:15:18,724 You picked this bike so you could have a front-row seat 417 00:15:18,801 --> 00:15:20,325 to this little peep sho... 418 00:15:20,426 --> 00:15:22,122 Oh! Oh, my God. 419 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,092 That night of our "spectacular session," 420 00:15:24,170 --> 00:15:25,567 you had just come from the gym. 421 00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:28,544 Well, I-I wonder what got your engine so revved up, huh? 422 00:15:28,622 --> 00:15:30,591 The truth is out there! 423 00:15:30,669 --> 00:15:31,836 Okay, you know what? 424 00:15:31,914 --> 00:15:33,724 - I'm weak, okay? - I can't believe 425 00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:34,974 you shamed me 426 00:15:35,052 --> 00:15:36,044 for looking at a magazine 427 00:15:36,122 --> 00:15:38,029 when you've been baking protein bars 428 00:15:38,107 --> 00:15:40,410 for Thunder from Down Under! Maybe that's why. 429 00:15:40,488 --> 00:15:42,441 It's because I-I felt guilty about this. 430 00:15:42,519 --> 00:15:43,880 Well, don't, okay? 431 00:15:43,992 --> 00:15:46,021 We are allowed to look at other men 432 00:15:46,099 --> 00:15:48,220 without feeling guilty about it. 433 00:15:50,964 --> 00:15:53,816 And... And if it inspires you, then go for it, 434 00:15:53,894 --> 00:15:55,185 because at the end of the day, 435 00:15:55,263 --> 00:15:57,763 I'm the one who gets to reap the rewards. 436 00:15:58,779 --> 00:16:00,006 That's true. Okay. 437 00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:01,873 Look, I'm sorry. Let's just get out of here. 438 00:16:01,966 --> 00:16:03,435 Oh, now? Okay. 439 00:16:04,582 --> 00:16:05,443 Oh. 440 00:16:05,634 --> 00:16:06,802 Maybe I should join this gym. 441 00:16:06,895 --> 00:16:08,182 No, stick to your vintage nudie mags. 442 00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,529 This is mine. 443 00:16:09,913 --> 00:16:11,123 - What's his name? - Chuck. 444 00:16:11,201 --> 00:16:12,417 Oh, Chuck. 445 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,162 Oh, Joe, so adorable, 446 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,627 you look like a little Uncle Alvaro! 447 00:16:17,705 --> 00:16:19,773 One last touch... The pocket watch, 448 00:16:19,929 --> 00:16:21,367 permanently broken at 3:30 449 00:16:21,445 --> 00:16:23,647 after it stopped a bullet shot by a very drunk 450 00:16:23,725 --> 00:16:25,378 and jealous Florence Nightingale. 451 00:16:25,456 --> 00:16:27,158 Maybe it was sour grapes, 452 00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:30,121 but this guy was starting to sound like baloney. 453 00:16:30,476 --> 00:16:33,199 I was sure that if I left no stone unturned, 454 00:16:33,277 --> 00:16:35,148 eventually, one day, 455 00:16:35,346 --> 00:16:38,363 I'd find some dirt on Great Uncle Alvaro. 456 00:16:38,441 --> 00:16:39,792 I knew it! 457 00:16:39,939 --> 00:16:44,495 Simón Francisco Alvaro would go from town to town, 458 00:16:44,573 --> 00:16:46,277 seducing wealthy widows 459 00:16:46,355 --> 00:16:49,527 with made-up stories of his bravery in battle. 460 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:53,371 After frittering away their fortunes on drink and dice, 461 00:16:53,449 --> 00:16:56,863 he would move on, leaving his victims with nothing 462 00:16:56,941 --> 00:16:59,191 but a single red rose... 463 00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:00,558 And syphilis. 464 00:17:00,636 --> 00:17:02,894 Who's up for a little history lesson? 465 00:17:03,029 --> 00:17:04,894 - It seems... - Wait, wait, wait, wait. 466 00:17:05,014 --> 00:17:06,457 Do it again. 467 00:17:06,565 --> 00:17:09,332 The yoke of Spanish oppression 468 00:17:09,433 --> 00:17:12,921 will chafe Colombian shoulders no longer! 469 00:17:13,050 --> 00:17:16,121 My saber thirsts for European blood! 470 00:17:16,305 --> 00:17:18,363 So cute! Bravo! 471 00:17:18,597 --> 00:17:21,824 He looked it up and memorized it himself. 472 00:17:21,902 --> 00:17:23,790 Hey, Dad. You know how kids tease me 473 00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:25,761 'cause I'm the shortest kid in the class? 474 00:17:25,839 --> 00:17:27,256 Oh, don't listen to what they say! 475 00:17:27,334 --> 00:17:31,144 Right! Uncle Alvaro was only five feet tall 476 00:17:31,222 --> 00:17:32,972 and he led a whole army! 477 00:17:33,068 --> 00:17:35,480 I'm gonna be brave like him. 478 00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:39,816 Viva Uncle Alvaro. 479 00:17:40,095 --> 00:17:43,269 I enjoyed a lot of years taking pride in my great uncle. 480 00:17:43,347 --> 00:17:45,316 I didn't want to rob Joe of that. 481 00:17:45,548 --> 00:17:47,450 It wasn't easy biting my tongue, 482 00:17:47,712 --> 00:17:50,566 but I took a page from another heroic relative... 483 00:17:50,758 --> 00:17:52,402 Lulach McPritchett... 484 00:17:52,604 --> 00:17:55,910 Proud Scottish warrior, captured by the English, 485 00:17:55,988 --> 00:17:59,511 tortured for months using every method imaginable, 486 00:17:59,597 --> 00:18:02,566 and never once giving up a single secret. 487 00:18:03,090 --> 00:18:04,675 Don't look him up. 488 00:18:11,682 --> 00:18:15,104 Signora, why so sad? 489 00:18:15,182 --> 00:18:18,169 Let me see that big macaroni smile, ah? 490 00:18:18,247 --> 00:18:19,635 How did you find me? 491 00:18:19,713 --> 00:18:21,699 Antonio called and said 492 00:18:21,777 --> 00:18:23,614 you'd ordered a flaming Sambuca... 493 00:18:23,691 --> 00:18:25,377 And just watched it burn. 494 00:18:25,455 --> 00:18:26,838 Mm-hmm. 495 00:18:27,438 --> 00:18:29,713 It's all just going too fast. 496 00:18:29,951 --> 00:18:31,072 Five months ago, 497 00:18:31,150 --> 00:18:32,495 Haley got back together with Dylan. 498 00:18:32,572 --> 00:18:35,119 Then my mom dies. Then Haley's pregnant. 499 00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:36,487 Then it's twins. 500 00:18:36,565 --> 00:18:39,442 Then, "Come move in with us this summer" turns into. 501 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:42,174 "Ding-dong, we're here with an early preview of twins" 502 00:18:42,252 --> 00:18:43,689 and an incontinent chinchilla, 503 00:18:43,767 --> 00:18:46,447 and, in the most terrifying return since Freddy Krueger 504 00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:48,579 sashayed his way back onto Elm Street, 505 00:18:48,657 --> 00:18:52,767 "my mother reincarnated into the body of Farrah." 506 00:18:52,908 --> 00:18:55,088 Oh... 507 00:18:55,248 --> 00:18:57,533 How... How are you handling this all so well? 508 00:18:57,611 --> 00:18:58,978 Who says I am? 509 00:18:59,213 --> 00:19:00,470 I had to get out of there, 510 00:19:00,548 --> 00:19:02,400 or I was gonna make Haley a single mom. 511 00:19:02,826 --> 00:19:04,681 I hit Dylan again, Claire. 512 00:19:04,778 --> 00:19:07,127 - But not on purpose. - Are we sure? 513 00:19:07,205 --> 00:19:10,056 You mean, like, you might have some buried anger 514 00:19:10,134 --> 00:19:12,635 towards him stealing away your baby girl? 515 00:19:12,713 --> 00:19:15,158 Oh, I so want it to be on purpose. 516 00:19:15,313 --> 00:19:17,924 Gets lonely out here on crazy island. 517 00:19:19,954 --> 00:19:21,260 Oh, well, 518 00:19:21,530 --> 00:19:23,095 we still have Italy. 519 00:19:24,004 --> 00:19:25,208 Do we? 520 00:19:25,305 --> 00:19:27,619 Listen, I've been doing some research on twins, 521 00:19:27,697 --> 00:19:30,064 and it seems that, like our daughter, they... 522 00:19:30,353 --> 00:19:31,681 They tend to come early. 523 00:19:31,759 --> 00:19:33,931 Even if it's a 1-in-10 chance, 524 00:19:34,009 --> 00:19:37,900 I can't risk having the only maternal figure present 525 00:19:37,978 --> 00:19:40,314 be that tub-birthing Wiccan. 526 00:19:40,532 --> 00:19:42,430 I got to be there for Haley. 527 00:19:42,650 --> 00:19:44,625 It's overwhelming for sure, 528 00:19:44,786 --> 00:19:47,961 but haven't a ton of our best memories 529 00:19:48,039 --> 00:19:50,563 come from the anarchy of our house? 530 00:19:50,870 --> 00:19:53,958 Like when Luke got his head stuck in the banister? 531 00:19:54,036 --> 00:19:55,321 Which time? 532 00:19:55,547 --> 00:19:58,235 Or when... when Alex's science fair project 533 00:19:58,313 --> 00:19:59,836 blacked out the whole neighborhood 534 00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:01,906 during the Super Bowl? 535 00:20:02,041 --> 00:20:03,180 Or when, uh, 536 00:20:03,258 --> 00:20:04,644 Haley snuck in Luke's window 537 00:20:04,741 --> 00:20:06,288 the same week we bought him a slingshot? 538 00:20:06,365 --> 00:20:08,404 - Oh, God. Mm. - That was... 539 00:20:08,482 --> 00:20:10,561 So, it's a-a madhouse, 540 00:20:10,639 --> 00:20:13,045 but on the other hand, 541 00:20:13,123 --> 00:20:14,718 we're gonna have a couple babies in the house, 542 00:20:14,795 --> 00:20:16,949 and... they'll be Haley and Dylan's. 543 00:20:17,730 --> 00:20:20,317 - Mm-hmm. - So they'll be doing funny stuff. 544 00:20:23,084 --> 00:20:24,498 So... 545 00:20:24,987 --> 00:20:27,029 looks like we are going on a trip? 546 00:20:46,607 --> 00:20:48,318 - Gretchen. - Manuel. 547 00:20:48,483 --> 00:20:51,162 Look, I really am sorry about the way things ended... 548 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,287 That chapter is closed. 549 00:20:52,365 --> 00:20:54,467 We have a strictly business relationship now. 550 00:20:55,568 --> 00:20:57,975 Did you enjoy this book, or did you find your eyes 551 00:20:58,053 --> 00:21:00,443 drifting toward a shorter Jewish one? 552 00:21:00,576 --> 00:21:02,493 Okay, Shoshana and I are over. 553 00:21:02,579 --> 00:21:04,365 It was beyond hurtful that you found a woman 554 00:21:04,451 --> 00:21:06,597 whose name has two "shhh" sounds in it. 555 00:21:06,928 --> 00:21:08,326 Clearly, you're still upset 556 00:21:08,404 --> 00:21:10,928 and there's no hope for reconciliation, so... 557 00:21:11,168 --> 00:21:12,670 I'll just say goodbye and hope you'll allow me 558 00:21:12,747 --> 00:21:15,131 to play myself off with our song. 559 00:21:15,292 --> 00:21:16,927 "Sex Kitty" plays... 560 00:21:17,127 --> 00:21:19,983 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 561 00:21:20,161 --> 00:21:22,366 ♪ Ow! ♪ 562 00:21:22,495 --> 00:21:24,348 ♪ Sex kitty ♪ 563 00:21:24,430 --> 00:21:26,292 ♪ Sexy kitty ♪ 42313

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