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1
00:00:00,070 --> 00:00:01,414
- It's a talk show...
- Right.
2
00:00:01,449 --> 00:00:02,593
But it's on one of these
streaming networks.
3
00:00:02,628 --> 00:00:05,196
- On Busca. You ever heard of Busca?
- No.
4
00:00:05,230 --> 00:00:06,497
It's a new thing.
It's the future, buddy.
5
00:00:06,531 --> 00:00:08,434
It doesn't matter
'cause it's all garbage.
6
00:00:08,469 --> 00:00:09,648
- Wow. A-All of it?
- Yeah.
7
00:00:09,683 --> 00:00:10,902
Even your show?
8
00:00:10,937 --> 00:00:12,704
You've been on it.
You know what it's like.
9
00:00:12,736 --> 00:00:14,339
Yes, I have been on your show.
10
00:00:14,371 --> 00:00:16,441
- And you've been doing it for years.
- Yeah.
11
00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:18,377
But now that you're a veteran,
give me some advice.
12
00:00:18,410 --> 00:00:22,181
- Well, the first thing is control.
- Mm-hmm.
13
00:00:22,214 --> 00:00:24,183
They're gonna give it
to you at the beginning.
14
00:00:24,215 --> 00:00:26,017
They'll say they're giving it
to you. You gotta maintain it.
15
00:00:26,050 --> 00:00:27,686
- Mm-hmm.
- You're gonna go in there,
16
00:00:27,718 --> 00:00:29,554
they're gonna say, "Oh, we love
you. We want you to be you."
17
00:00:29,587 --> 00:00:31,170
- Yeah.
- And then pretty soon,
18
00:00:31,205 --> 00:00:32,527
they'll just chip away at it.
19
00:00:32,562 --> 00:00:33,592
- Yeah.
- You'll be lucky to be able to pick
20
00:00:33,625 --> 00:00:35,259
the chair you get to sit in.
21
00:00:35,293 --> 00:00:38,229
Oh, my God. [groans]
Sorry, man.
22
00:00:38,262 --> 00:00:39,039
You okay?
23
00:00:39,074 --> 00:00:40,598
Yeah. No, I just...
I hurt my back on a...
24
00:00:40,631 --> 00:00:42,567
I was lifting a kettlebell.
25
00:00:42,601 --> 00:00:44,403
You should... You leave those
on the floor, I think.
26
00:00:44,436 --> 00:00:46,371
- You know, gravity has a purpose...
- Mm-hmm. That's right.
27
00:00:46,403 --> 00:00:49,373
- and when I defied it...
- Paid the price.
28
00:00:49,406 --> 00:00:50,741
- All right, so that's one... control.
- Mm-hmm.
29
00:00:50,775 --> 00:00:52,210
Any other advice?
30
00:00:52,244 --> 00:00:53,612
Uh... yeah. The chair.
31
00:00:53,644 --> 00:00:56,380
The chair that you sit in
is very important.
32
00:00:56,414 --> 00:00:58,550
- Mm-hmm.
- You are the captain of the ship.
33
00:00:58,582 --> 00:01:02,220
It is your vessel. It is
sometimes your only friend.
34
00:01:02,253 --> 00:01:05,056
You have to
feel present in it.
35
00:01:05,089 --> 00:01:06,657
- Good chair. That makes sense to me.
- Yeah.
36
00:01:06,690 --> 00:01:09,061
Yeah, Conan's always had
a wonderful chair.
37
00:01:09,094 --> 00:01:11,597
I mean, I...
I sit on the couch.
38
00:01:11,630 --> 00:01:13,464
And so, you know, I don't have
a desk to hide behind,
39
00:01:13,497 --> 00:01:16,802
so it's all...
belly and balls for me.
40
00:01:16,835 --> 00:01:18,403
Is that your nickname
on the show?
41
00:01:18,436 --> 00:01:19,738
Depending on my mood.
42
00:01:19,770 --> 00:01:21,272
One day I'm Belly,
and one day I'm Balls.
43
00:01:21,306 --> 00:01:23,175
- Ohh.
- You wouldn't like Balls.
44
00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:24,409
[laughs]
45
00:01:24,442 --> 00:01:27,145
["The Poisoned Well" plays]
46
00:01:29,146 --> 00:01:31,416
Won't fall for it
47
00:01:31,449 --> 00:01:33,652
You can't see
48
00:01:33,684 --> 00:01:36,320
And you can't tell
49
00:01:36,353 --> 00:01:39,090
I just can't drink
50
00:01:39,124 --> 00:01:41,293
From the poisoned well
51
00:01:41,328 --> 00:01:43,193
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
52
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,097
Come on! Just come on!
53
00:01:45,130 --> 00:01:46,765
Damn, you're really fiending.
54
00:01:46,797 --> 00:01:47,970
I almost feel bad about
55
00:01:48,005 --> 00:01:49,231
- leaving this job now.
- [sighs]
56
00:01:49,266 --> 00:01:50,602
I'm not fiending, you moron.
57
00:01:50,634 --> 00:01:54,306
I'm in what they call pain,
and those pills kill the pain,
58
00:01:54,338 --> 00:01:56,607
which is why they're called
painkillers.
59
00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,177
So give me one.
60
00:01:58,210 --> 00:02:00,812
- Was that Shay?
- Shay?
61
00:02:00,844 --> 00:02:02,446
Yeah. You know, the lesbian
62
00:02:02,479 --> 00:02:03,814
you were trying to have
a baby with for a while.
63
00:02:03,847 --> 00:02:06,217
Yeah, I-I know who she is.
Shay is gone, man.
64
00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:07,853
You're just trying to
distract me from my pain,
65
00:02:07,885 --> 00:02:11,122
which I appreciate, but I'd like
a pill now, please.
66
00:02:11,156 --> 00:02:13,192
Oh. Did you want a pill?
67
00:02:13,224 --> 00:02:14,392
Are you kidding me?
68
00:02:14,426 --> 00:02:15,861
Yeah, I was. Good bit?
69
00:02:15,893 --> 00:02:17,563
Honestly, you were right
to give these to me to hold,
70
00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:19,198
because you're a mess.
71
00:02:19,230 --> 00:02:22,567
Oh, my God. Thanks.
You're a real pal.
72
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,635
Hey, I am not the bad guy here.
73
00:02:24,669 --> 00:02:26,538
I'm helping you keep
your sobriety.
74
00:02:26,570 --> 00:02:28,240
- Although, honestly...
- [cell phone vibrating]
75
00:02:28,272 --> 00:02:29,674
maybe you'd be less of a dick
if you were high.
76
00:02:29,707 --> 00:02:32,243
Do you have a pussy?
Like a-a little boy pussy?
77
00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:33,678
Is that what you're hiding?
78
00:02:33,712 --> 00:02:35,480
Yeah, I do. We should rub them
together at some point.
79
00:02:35,512 --> 00:02:37,216
Oh. Yeah, hey, Emily.
80
00:02:37,248 --> 00:02:39,650
No, no, I was talking to
my soon-to-be-ex-assistant.
81
00:02:39,683 --> 00:02:41,252
What?
82
00:02:41,285 --> 00:02:43,622
Will Ferrell's in.
83
00:02:44,889 --> 00:02:48,360
No, I am. This is how I sound
when I'm excited.
84
00:02:48,392 --> 00:02:51,762
All right. All right, yeah,
I'll see you in a half-hour.
85
00:02:51,795 --> 00:02:54,565
Will Ferrell?
God, I love Will Ferrell!
86
00:02:54,599 --> 00:02:57,336
Yeah, it's too bad you're never
gonna meet him... traitor.
87
00:02:57,368 --> 00:03:01,172
You know, the first step
is admitting you're a dick.
88
00:03:01,206 --> 00:03:02,674
Marc!
89
00:03:02,706 --> 00:03:04,876
Gregg Schup from Busca.
90
00:03:06,444 --> 00:03:07,679
- Django!
- Django!
91
00:03:07,712 --> 00:03:09,448
- [laughs]
- Yeah. What's up, man?
92
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,515
Hey, I'm here just to lend
a little corporate support.
93
00:03:11,549 --> 00:03:12,918
In fact, uh,
94
00:03:12,950 --> 00:03:14,518
I'm gonna be personally
shepherding the project.
95
00:03:14,551 --> 00:03:17,342
- Ooh!
- What happened to Terrence?
96
00:03:18,255 --> 00:03:22,193
He's... no longer with us.
97
00:03:22,226 --> 00:03:23,895
He's... he's dead?
98
00:03:23,927 --> 00:03:26,564
Listen, you don't need to worry
about that, okay?
99
00:03:26,598 --> 00:03:29,434
Today's about you!
[chuckles]
100
00:03:29,467 --> 00:03:31,403
- So...
- [whispers] He's dead.
101
00:03:31,436 --> 00:03:32,704
- Really?
- Really.
102
00:03:32,736 --> 00:03:34,205
- I didn't really know that guy.
- Really?
103
00:03:34,238 --> 00:03:35,407
I didn't like him.
104
00:03:35,439 --> 00:03:36,775
Marc, let me introduce you
105
00:03:36,807 --> 00:03:38,543
to your stand-in, Hideo.
106
00:03:38,575 --> 00:03:39,944
Ah.
107
00:03:39,978 --> 00:03:42,247
- This is weird.
- What? You're... Really?
108
00:03:42,279 --> 00:03:44,248
A-A Japanese stand-in
is fantastic.
109
00:03:44,282 --> 00:03:45,916
Tr?s International.
110
00:03:45,950 --> 00:03:47,386
Yeah, I guess.
111
00:03:47,419 --> 00:03:48,920
Okay, thank you.
112
00:03:48,952 --> 00:03:51,223
Now, Marc, we thought
you might want a joke writer.
113
00:03:51,255 --> 00:03:52,890
- No, I don't work that way, man.
- Oh.
114
00:03:52,924 --> 00:03:55,726
Okay. Well, let's put a pin
in that for the time being.
115
00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,396
All right,
so this is the chair?
116
00:03:57,428 --> 00:03:58,963
- Ah.
- Very lush, right?
117
00:03:58,997 --> 00:04:00,565
[singsongy] I don't know.
118
00:04:00,598 --> 00:04:02,734
[singsongy] Have a feel.
119
00:04:02,766 --> 00:04:04,436
Yeah?
120
00:04:04,468 --> 00:04:06,504
- I don't feel like a captain.
- Hmm.
121
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:07,906
You want a captain's chair?
122
00:04:07,938 --> 00:04:09,340
No.
123
00:04:09,373 --> 00:04:11,509
I-I want
a captain-feeling chair.
124
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:14,246
Well, we got
a-a whole stockroom of chairs.
125
00:04:14,278 --> 00:04:15,479
You can pick any one.
126
00:04:15,512 --> 00:04:16,914
Also, don't worry about
the writer.
127
00:04:16,948 --> 00:04:19,584
Uh... Oh! We got
a teleprompter for ya.
128
00:04:19,616 --> 00:04:20,986
Are you serious?
129
00:04:21,019 --> 00:04:22,821
What's... It's just
for your consideration.
130
00:04:22,854 --> 00:04:24,488
Are you okay?
131
00:04:24,522 --> 00:04:27,526
I'm fine. I'm just...
132
00:04:27,558 --> 00:04:29,428
I'm just really, really tired.
133
00:04:29,460 --> 00:04:30,662
- Ohh.
- How about a coffee?
134
00:04:30,695 --> 00:04:32,831
No, I don't want a coffee.
I...
135
00:04:32,863 --> 00:04:34,332
Maybe a cot.
136
00:04:34,366 --> 00:04:35,933
We got a couch
in the green room.
137
00:04:35,967 --> 00:04:38,437
Come on! I'll show ya!
138
00:04:38,469 --> 00:04:41,272
It's a green room. Come on.
This is exciting.
139
00:04:41,306 --> 00:04:42,606
Stop it. I'm not 5.
140
00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,642
Eh, come on. Ooh.
141
00:04:44,676 --> 00:04:45,943
- Holy shit.
- [gasps]
142
00:04:45,976 --> 00:04:47,479
- Kale chips?
- Mm-hmm.
143
00:04:47,512 --> 00:04:49,448
Bet you those bananas and apples
are organic.
144
00:04:49,481 --> 00:04:51,516
- Probably.
- Three kinds of green tea.
145
00:04:51,549 --> 00:04:52,950
This is better than
what I eat at home.
146
00:04:52,984 --> 00:04:54,452
You deserve it.
147
00:04:54,486 --> 00:04:56,021
We're all just so excited
to work for ya.
148
00:04:56,053 --> 00:04:58,823
Believe me, it is great
to have a job.
149
00:04:58,856 --> 00:04:59,783
Right?
150
00:04:59,818 --> 00:05:01,693
- I have no idea what you do.
- Mnh-mnh.
151
00:05:01,726 --> 00:05:03,995
- Oh. Well, I...
- No.
152
00:05:04,027 --> 00:05:07,732
There's just... too many people.
153
00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:09,967
- Oh.
- There's too many people.
154
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,537
[sighs deeply]
155
00:05:12,570 --> 00:05:14,306
MARC: Is this is the way out?!
156
00:05:14,339 --> 00:05:17,943
157
00:05:28,686 --> 00:05:30,654
You love me, huh?
158
00:05:30,688 --> 00:05:32,707
It's Marc with a "C," asshole.
159
00:05:32,742 --> 00:05:34,659
[plastic crinkles]
160
00:05:34,691 --> 00:05:37,495
Where the hell
have you been, man?
161
00:05:37,529 --> 00:05:39,531
It hasn't been four hours yet.
Calm down.
162
00:05:39,563 --> 00:05:40,831
Don't tell me to calm down.
163
00:05:40,864 --> 00:05:42,700
You're not the one
with a pancaked disc.
164
00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:45,143
Whatever, dude. You still got
two minutes till your next one.
165
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,601
Oh, come on. You're not gonna
be that guy, are ya?
166
00:05:48,472 --> 00:05:51,171
- [cell phone vibrates]
- All right. Start the countdown now.
167
00:05:51,206 --> 00:05:52,377
[vibrates]
168
00:05:52,409 --> 00:05:54,512
Emily, hey. What's up?
169
00:05:54,546 --> 00:05:55,847
No, I'm fine.
170
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:57,716
We gotta do something
about that chair.
171
00:05:57,748 --> 00:05:59,618
[lowered voice] You are
overreacting, Mark.
172
00:05:59,650 --> 00:06:01,352
Stop treating me like a child!
173
00:06:01,385 --> 00:06:03,387
Then stop acting like one!
174
00:06:03,421 --> 00:06:05,724
I'm not!
I'm bringing my own chair!
175
00:06:05,757 --> 00:06:07,359
Whatever. Right.
176
00:06:07,392 --> 00:06:09,728
We actually have
slightly bigger problems.
177
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,095
Well, if it's not the chair,
178
00:06:11,128 --> 00:06:12,630
then I don't wanna hear
about it!
179
00:06:12,664 --> 00:06:14,433
Will Ferrell is out.
180
00:06:14,465 --> 00:06:15,866
Ohh! Really?!
181
00:06:15,900 --> 00:06:18,402
- Goddamn it!
- [basket thuds]
182
00:06:18,436 --> 00:06:20,906
I'm worried you're not
handling this very well.
183
00:06:20,938 --> 00:06:22,440
I'm fine.
184
00:06:22,474 --> 00:06:24,041
I gotta go.
185
00:06:24,075 --> 00:06:26,945
And tell that smarm-bag
it's Marc with a "C." A "C."
186
00:06:26,977 --> 00:06:29,113
- A "C"!
- Oh, a "C."
187
00:06:29,147 --> 00:06:31,483
Okay. Bye-bye.
188
00:06:31,515 --> 00:06:33,117
Good talk?
189
00:06:33,150 --> 00:06:35,753
Don't snark me, man.
Gimme a pill.
190
00:06:35,787 --> 00:06:37,722
15 seconds.
191
00:06:37,755 --> 00:06:40,725
All right, just give me 'em.
Come on.
192
00:06:40,758 --> 00:06:42,460
[pills rattle]
193
00:06:42,493 --> 00:06:44,029
[sighs]
194
00:06:45,762 --> 00:06:47,799
Oh, man.
195
00:06:47,832 --> 00:06:49,401
- Two?
- [pill bottle clatters]
196
00:06:49,433 --> 00:06:50,734
Hey, hey, what are you doing?
197
00:06:50,767 --> 00:06:53,404
I'm doing what I have to do.
198
00:06:53,438 --> 00:06:56,775
I have a lot of people
depending on me.
199
00:06:56,808 --> 00:06:59,010
Oh, boy.
200
00:06:59,359 --> 00:07:02,023
[cell phone vibrates]
201
00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:05,025
- [vibrates]
- God.
202
00:07:05,059 --> 00:07:08,130
[vibrates]
203
00:07:08,162 --> 00:07:11,232
[sighs] Hello? Hello?
204
00:07:11,266 --> 00:07:13,802
What do you mean
they wanna tinker with it?
205
00:07:13,835 --> 00:07:17,037
It's my show!
206
00:07:17,071 --> 00:07:18,405
No, I...
207
00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:20,107
No, I-I didn't forget
about the meeting.
208
00:07:20,141 --> 00:07:21,977
I mean, I'm driving right now.
209
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:25,146
All right?
The traffic's shitty.
210
00:07:25,179 --> 00:07:26,947
- [whispers] Shoot.
- [cell phone thuds]
211
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,215
Shit!
212
00:07:28,249 --> 00:07:29,885
So as Emily probably mentioned,
213
00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:32,119
we're thinking about doing
an opening monologue.
214
00:07:32,153 --> 00:07:35,157
What?!
No, she didn't mention that.
215
00:07:35,189 --> 00:07:36,391
Well, we...
we've been very b...
216
00:07:36,424 --> 00:07:38,260
I think it slipped through
the cracks.
217
00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:40,060
Fell through the cracks? That's
the one you're going with?
218
00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:42,296
That one? Really?
219
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,732
Dude, I'm Barry.
We've met before.
220
00:07:44,766 --> 00:07:47,102
- We did?
- You're kidding, right? [laughs]
221
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,903
Look, bro, I just wanted
to tell you,
222
00:07:48,937 --> 00:07:51,907
that Louis interview?
Majorly life-changing.
223
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,908
Oh, really?
Well, thanks, bro.
224
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,242
'Preciate it.
225
00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:58,246
I'll talk to you guys later...
226
00:07:58,278 --> 00:07:59,747
bro.
227
00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:01,283
228
00:08:01,316 --> 00:08:04,085
MARC: Oh, God.
Is this the way out?!
229
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:06,086
[Dub Thompson's "Dograces"
playing]
230
00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,189
Get your feet up
231
00:08:08,223 --> 00:08:11,158
[pills rattle]
232
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,528
It's only breakfast
233
00:08:15,997 --> 00:08:18,066
Did you see us
234
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:23,471
On this merry Christmas?
235
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,343
To the dog races
236
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:33,214
With your sick faces
237
00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:37,986
Snap like a dog
238
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,891
Did you get that alive?
239
00:08:42,924 --> 00:08:45,492
One, two, three, four
240
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:49,330
241
00:09:01,275 --> 00:09:04,311
Marc?
242
00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:06,981
243
00:09:07,015 --> 00:09:09,417
Marc?
244
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:10,886
245
00:09:10,919 --> 00:09:13,088
[knocks]
Marc?
246
00:09:13,121 --> 00:09:17,058
Oh, shit. Oh, God! Oh!
Okay, seat's down. All right.
247
00:09:17,091 --> 00:09:19,194
Marc, was I supposed to
pick you up? Are you...
248
00:09:19,227 --> 00:09:21,362
[groggy] No. Is it tomorrow?
Is it tomorrow?
249
00:09:21,396 --> 00:09:23,497
Damn it.
You're totally trashed.
250
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,065
Did you eat that whole basket?
251
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:26,867
What are you doing? I am...
I'm meditating, man.
252
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:27,552
- [groans]
- This is what they do
253
00:09:27,587 --> 00:09:28,403
in the junkie movies!
254
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:29,870
- Oh, no!
- Okay.
255
00:09:29,904 --> 00:09:31,338
It's either this
or that thing
256
00:09:31,372 --> 00:09:32,841
where I have to put ice cubes
down your pants,
257
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,175
and I don't think either of us
want that.
258
00:09:34,208 --> 00:09:35,843
[groans] I hate you.
259
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,045
Here comes the cold.
[turns on shower]
260
00:09:37,078 --> 00:09:39,014
Ohh!
261
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,881
You little monster!
262
00:09:40,915 --> 00:09:42,183
[turns off shower]
That may be true. Come on.
263
00:09:42,216 --> 00:09:43,551
All right. Here.
264
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,021
- [strained voice] Oh, yes.
- What happens now?
265
00:09:46,054 --> 00:09:48,290
Uh, I guess you change out
of those wet clothes.
266
00:09:48,323 --> 00:09:49,284
- Can you do that?
- [exhales deeply]
267
00:09:49,319 --> 00:09:50,557
'Cause I really
don't wanna go there.
268
00:09:50,558 --> 00:09:52,427
Looks like I'm going there.
269
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:53,560
- [strained voice] I'm gonna change you
- Oh.
270
00:09:53,595 --> 00:09:54,560
like a baby.
271
00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:57,298
- Did I pee?
- I really hope not. Come on.
272
00:09:57,332 --> 00:09:58,967
- I want my chair!
- What?
273
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,035
I want my chair in the car!
274
00:10:01,069 --> 00:10:02,536
Okay. Yeah.
We'll get that chair.
275
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:04,039
Maybe first
we'll worry about pants.
276
00:10:04,072 --> 00:10:05,574
What do you think, big guy?
277
00:10:10,011 --> 00:10:12,881
Oh! The captain is here!
278
00:10:12,914 --> 00:10:14,215
And the captain brought
a chair!
279
00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:15,449
- Yes, sir.
- Wonderful.
280
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:16,984
- [Emily and Greg chuckle]
- Right here.
281
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:18,319
Hey, have you given
any more thought...
282
00:10:18,352 --> 00:10:19,887
[pats leg]
to the opening monologue?
283
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,388
Yes, I have. And this is not
"The Daily Show,"
284
00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:23,891
nor do we have
a "Jaywalking" segment,
285
00:10:23,925 --> 00:10:25,894
nor do we have
a top ten list.
286
00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:27,161
- Okay.
- Yeah.
287
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:28,929
Um, you know,
just keep an open mind.
288
00:10:28,963 --> 00:10:30,899
Nothing's set in stone,
but I-I did bring in a writer.
289
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:33,100
- Uh, Barry? [chuckles]
- Hey.
290
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,401
Barry the writer.
291
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:35,936
I can tell you're a writer
292
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,905
'cause you have
a douchey writer's haircut.
293
00:10:37,939 --> 00:10:41,009
Do you trim your balls
in the same fashion, Barry?
294
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,410
I was thinking you guys could
just spitball.
295
00:10:42,443 --> 00:10:44,946
You know, Barry worked on
the "Lampoon" at Harvard.
296
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:48,150
Ooh. Yeah? So you really
paid your dues, huh, Barr?
297
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:50,951
[laughs]
298
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,420
Ooh. I think I'm gonna have
a nanner.
299
00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:56,256
Oh! What... Whoa!
300
00:10:56,290 --> 00:10:57,992
Come on!
301
00:10:58,025 --> 00:10:59,593
[groans]
302
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:02,429
What? They don't have
back pain at Yale?
303
00:11:02,463 --> 00:11:04,265
I went to Harvard.
304
00:11:04,298 --> 00:11:06,001
I get it.
305
00:11:06,034 --> 00:11:08,602
Is there a conversation you
can't wedge that into, Barry?
306
00:11:08,636 --> 00:11:10,939
Ugh. Ow. Ow. Ow!
307
00:11:10,972 --> 00:11:12,607
- I'll just wait here.
- Ow!
308
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,976
Is this the way out?!
309
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,544
[car horn honks]
310
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:23,218
[horns honking and blaring]
311
00:11:25,486 --> 00:11:28,490
[lawn mower whirring]
312
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,664
[exhales deeply]
313
00:11:36,699 --> 00:11:40,954
314
00:11:40,986 --> 00:11:42,355
[turns down amp]
315
00:11:43,490 --> 00:11:45,459
What's happening, man?
316
00:11:45,491 --> 00:11:46,959
- [plastic crinkles]
- Aw!
317
00:11:46,993 --> 00:11:48,528
Dude, did you rat me out?
318
00:11:48,561 --> 00:11:50,297
It wasn't me, I swear.
319
00:11:50,330 --> 00:11:52,365
He didn't have to rat you out,
junkie boy.
320
00:11:52,399 --> 00:11:54,533
Shut up. I'm fine.
321
00:11:54,567 --> 00:11:58,004
All right? I just had
the chair thing and...
322
00:11:58,038 --> 00:11:59,639
you know, my back.
323
00:11:59,672 --> 00:12:01,375
And, uh, the pilot.
324
00:12:01,408 --> 00:12:02,942
I have a lot going on.
325
00:12:02,975 --> 00:12:05,479
There's no way you guys could
understand that.
326
00:12:05,511 --> 00:12:08,047
- You know what? As your friend...
- Mm.
327
00:12:08,081 --> 00:12:09,548
you should give me
the pills.
328
00:12:09,581 --> 00:12:11,051
- No, man! Come on!
- [pills rattle]
329
00:12:12,418 --> 00:12:15,054
- All right, fine. I'm done with it.
- [opens bottle]
330
00:12:15,087 --> 00:12:17,990
Yeah. You'll thank me later.
331
00:12:18,024 --> 00:12:20,626
Just doing 'em through
the pilot. That's it.
332
00:12:20,659 --> 00:12:22,294
All addicts say that.
333
00:12:22,327 --> 00:12:24,363
I heard it on "Intervention."
334
00:12:24,397 --> 00:12:26,033
All right,
both of you, get out.
335
00:12:26,066 --> 00:12:27,466
- Come on, Marc.
- Seriously.
336
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,302
- We're just here to help you to...
- What, Andy?
337
00:12:29,335 --> 00:12:31,304
- All right.
- You know what?
338
00:12:31,336 --> 00:12:32,639
Easy does it.
339
00:12:32,672 --> 00:12:34,541
Ah, that's clever.
Recovery chatter.
340
00:12:34,573 --> 00:12:36,543
- MARC: Come on, man.
- That's it?
341
00:12:36,576 --> 00:12:39,513
- DAVE: You got this.
- One... one... one day at a time.
342
00:12:39,546 --> 00:12:41,982
Okay, I'll take it
from here.
343
00:12:42,014 --> 00:12:43,216
Thanks.
344
00:12:43,249 --> 00:12:45,252
That was
a horrible intervention.
345
00:12:45,284 --> 00:12:46,986
Yeah.
Where was my parents?
346
00:12:47,019 --> 00:12:48,321
You know what? He, um...
347
00:12:48,354 --> 00:12:50,557
he just took
a Canadian laxative.
348
00:12:50,590 --> 00:12:52,024
[laughs]
349
00:12:52,057 --> 00:12:53,393
What?
350
00:12:53,426 --> 00:12:54,995
Yeah.
351
00:12:55,028 --> 00:12:57,697
- [groans]
- Oh, come on, Marc!
352
00:12:57,730 --> 00:12:59,600
- [filing]
- Okay, this is officially
353
00:12:59,635 --> 00:13:01,269
getting weird, Marc.
354
00:13:01,301 --> 00:13:03,170
What? These are time-release.
355
00:13:03,202 --> 00:13:05,572
[singsongy]
And I don't have the time.
356
00:13:05,605 --> 00:13:07,173
Oh, my God.
357
00:13:07,206 --> 00:13:09,009
Ooh!
358
00:13:09,042 --> 00:13:10,509
[grunts]
359
00:13:10,543 --> 00:13:13,712
[inhales deeply]
360
00:13:13,745 --> 00:13:16,348
Damn!
361
00:13:16,381 --> 00:13:19,251
Whoa.
362
00:13:19,284 --> 00:13:21,520
Okay, can I say something,
please?
363
00:13:21,553 --> 00:13:25,625
I don't know who this is
that I'm talking to right now,
364
00:13:25,658 --> 00:13:27,193
but you need
to deal with this.
365
00:13:27,226 --> 00:13:29,728
- [sniffs, exhales sharply]
- Just not today.
366
00:13:29,761 --> 00:13:33,032
Today, you need to drink
a shit-ton of coffee
367
00:13:33,066 --> 00:13:34,468
and get to the studio.
368
00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:36,435
And, of course, I'm gonna
be stuck helping you,
369
00:13:36,469 --> 00:13:39,039
because even though you've been
a total dick to me,
370
00:13:39,072 --> 00:13:43,743
I don't wanna stand there
and watch you crash and burn.
371
00:13:43,775 --> 00:13:46,045
You have a very nice voice.
372
00:13:46,078 --> 00:13:47,780
You should sing in a choir.
373
00:13:47,813 --> 00:13:50,483
Come on,
let's get in the car.
374
00:13:50,517 --> 00:13:53,120
Come on. There we go.
375
00:13:53,153 --> 00:13:54,387
All right.
376
00:13:54,419 --> 00:13:55,721
Oh, look at that.
377
00:13:55,754 --> 00:13:58,792
Oh, look! She is back!
Pull over!
378
00:13:58,825 --> 00:14:00,560
What? Easy! I got... Jeez!
379
00:14:00,592 --> 00:14:02,540
- [tires screech]
- Shay is back!
380
00:14:04,797 --> 00:14:06,929
ZOE: Do you know how much gluten
is in the bananas?
381
00:14:06,964 --> 00:14:08,802
- [sighs]
- They're gluten...
382
00:14:08,835 --> 00:14:10,470
Marc?
383
00:14:10,503 --> 00:14:12,405
- [chuckles]
- Hi.
384
00:14:12,437 --> 00:14:14,740
You didn't have to
bring the groceries in.
385
00:14:14,774 --> 00:14:17,076
It's good to see you guys.
386
00:14:17,110 --> 00:14:19,111
Are you...
are you doing all right?
387
00:14:19,144 --> 00:14:21,480
I love you, guys, so much.
388
00:14:21,514 --> 00:14:23,149
- What?
- So much.
389
00:14:23,182 --> 00:14:25,184
Okay. [laughs]
390
00:14:25,217 --> 00:14:27,253
Ooh. We're pregnant.
391
00:14:27,287 --> 00:14:28,622
- Well, we're pregnant.
- ZOE: Uh...
392
00:14:28,654 --> 00:14:30,089
- W...
- So, actually, um,
393
00:14:30,123 --> 00:14:31,358
we have a legal agreement.
394
00:14:31,390 --> 00:14:32,759
- Doesn't matter. I...
- Yeah, you...
395
00:14:32,792 --> 00:14:35,095
- I made that. I made that.
- You... you need to leave.
396
00:14:35,128 --> 00:14:36,329
- Hi. Daddy's here.
- You need to leave.
397
00:14:36,361 --> 00:14:37,630
Hey, little Marky.
398
00:14:37,663 --> 00:14:40,199
- I... I am the Daddy.
- Yeah.
399
00:14:40,232 --> 00:14:41,600
- Wow.
- The... the other Mom.
400
00:14:41,634 --> 00:14:44,504
Oh. Hey, I gotta go to
the bathroom.
401
00:14:44,537 --> 00:14:47,274
- Oh, yeah?
- What are you doin'?
402
00:14:47,307 --> 00:14:49,509
- Well, just make it quick.
- Protecting my child.
403
00:14:49,542 --> 00:14:51,144
[sighs]
404
00:14:53,645 --> 00:14:57,183
ZOE: You should not
leave the door open.
405
00:14:57,216 --> 00:14:59,785
SHAY: I didn't
leave the door open.
406
00:14:59,818 --> 00:15:02,154
[Zoe speaks indistinctly]
407
00:15:02,187 --> 00:15:02,979
Okay.
408
00:15:03,014 --> 00:15:04,290
I'm using the wrong
words because I'm upset.
409
00:15:04,323 --> 00:15:05,149
[laughs]
410
00:15:05,184 --> 00:15:07,626
Well, think about how... what...
how you... I feel.
411
00:15:07,659 --> 00:15:09,629
- "I feel upset..."
- [pills rattle]
412
00:15:09,662 --> 00:15:12,732
- [speaks indistinctly]
- I feel upset because Marc is here now.
413
00:15:12,764 --> 00:15:15,367
- [bottle thuds, pills rattle]
- And he touched your stomach,
414
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:18,404
- which I...
- [speaks indistinctly] Right?
415
00:15:18,437 --> 00:15:19,706
But you shouldn't
feel that way.
416
00:15:19,739 --> 00:15:21,307
[speaks indistinctly]
417
00:15:21,341 --> 00:15:22,875
[glass shatters]
418
00:15:22,908 --> 00:15:25,477
- ZOE: Marc, what are you ruining now?!
- [laughing]
419
00:15:25,510 --> 00:15:27,846
Get out.
420
00:15:27,879 --> 00:15:29,582
Go.
421
00:15:33,852 --> 00:15:35,621
What?
422
00:15:37,923 --> 00:15:39,491
- [speaks indistinctly]
- Hi there.
423
00:15:39,524 --> 00:15:40,726
- Oh! Oh!
- Hey!
424
00:15:40,759 --> 00:15:42,162
- Hey, people!
- [laughs] Here we go!
425
00:15:42,195 --> 00:15:43,663
Thank God you're here!
426
00:15:43,696 --> 00:15:45,599
Of course I'm here!
You guys feelin' this?
427
00:15:45,631 --> 00:15:47,833
I got my chair.
We're gonna kill this thing.
428
00:15:47,866 --> 00:15:49,602
I'm loving this positivity.
429
00:15:49,635 --> 00:15:50,903
- Yeah!
- It is fantastic. [laughs]
430
00:15:50,937 --> 00:15:52,504
[clenched teeth]
You're so late.
431
00:15:52,538 --> 00:15:54,573
Look, before we start,
432
00:15:54,606 --> 00:15:57,376
I just wanna
thank you, guys.
433
00:15:57,409 --> 00:16:00,813
You know? From my heart.
434
00:16:02,248 --> 00:16:04,584
Okay, well, we're on in 20.
435
00:16:04,616 --> 00:16:06,852
Ohh. Okay.
436
00:16:06,885 --> 00:16:09,521
Yeah, I need a little "me" time.
Is that cool?
437
00:16:09,554 --> 00:16:11,257
Greg? Everyone?
You all right?
438
00:16:11,291 --> 00:16:14,107
Yeah. More than all right, Marc.
I'm psyched!
439
00:16:14,142 --> 00:16:15,195
- [chuckles]
- [laughs]
440
00:16:15,227 --> 00:16:16,395
Hey.
441
00:16:16,428 --> 00:16:17,930
- Yeah! Yeah!
- Thank you.
442
00:16:17,964 --> 00:16:20,734
Firm handshake fella,
that guy is.
443
00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:22,535
What? Come on.
444
00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:25,237
- Oh, I got a thing I do now.
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
445
00:16:25,270 --> 00:16:26,939
- Yeah. It's private.
- Yep. Mm-hmm. Oh.
446
00:16:26,972 --> 00:16:28,707
Not... it's not...
it's... All right.
447
00:16:28,740 --> 00:16:30,610
That's... that's all right.
I'm not gonna... [chuckles]
448
00:16:30,643 --> 00:16:32,646
449
00:16:32,678 --> 00:16:33,913
[pills rattle]
450
00:16:37,817 --> 00:16:40,953
[exhales slowly] We don't
need more. We feel great.
451
00:16:40,986 --> 00:16:43,656
Yeah, but about in 10 minutes?
What about 3 minutes, huh?
452
00:16:43,690 --> 00:16:45,225
This is the biggest gig
of my life.
453
00:16:45,258 --> 00:16:47,293
Exactly!
You trying to destroy me?
454
00:16:47,326 --> 00:16:49,395
No! Why would I do that?
455
00:16:49,428 --> 00:16:51,298
You're being paranoid.
456
00:16:51,331 --> 00:16:52,798
Yeah.
457
00:16:55,934 --> 00:16:57,436
[groans]
458
00:16:57,470 --> 00:16:59,306
[chuckles]
459
00:17:01,273 --> 00:17:02,508
[grunts]
460
00:17:04,645 --> 00:17:07,848
Oh, my God. Did I forget
to put makeup on?
461
00:17:07,882 --> 00:17:10,885
My pores are the size
of little vaginas.
462
00:17:10,919 --> 00:17:12,720
Hey. [chuckling]
463
00:17:12,754 --> 00:17:14,890
- [chuckles]
- Hi.
464
00:17:14,922 --> 00:17:16,156
- Come on, then.
- All right.
465
00:17:16,190 --> 00:17:17,859
- Are you all right?
- Yeah. You all right?
466
00:17:17,892 --> 00:17:19,995
Of course I'm all right.
Why you askin'?
467
00:17:20,027 --> 00:17:21,496
- I'm... good.
- What?
468
00:17:21,528 --> 00:17:23,565
- Okay.
- Yeah!
469
00:17:23,597 --> 00:17:24,899
Yeah, all right.
Let's bring in the guest.
470
00:17:24,932 --> 00:17:27,635
[Marc speaks indistinctly]
471
00:17:27,669 --> 00:17:29,671
[music playing]
472
00:17:29,703 --> 00:17:31,672
[mutters]
473
00:17:31,706 --> 00:17:34,009
Eyes open.
474
00:17:34,042 --> 00:17:35,577
- Ohh.
- [music stops]
475
00:17:35,610 --> 00:17:37,913
Welcome...
to "The Marc Maron Show."
476
00:17:37,946 --> 00:17:39,848
I just named it that
477
00:17:39,881 --> 00:17:42,816
just now on the fly.
478
00:17:42,850 --> 00:17:45,820
"Marc Maron Show."
479
00:17:45,853 --> 00:17:47,889
I...
480
00:17:47,921 --> 00:17:50,558
am known by few.
481
00:17:50,592 --> 00:17:51,927
No, some of you know me.
482
00:17:51,959 --> 00:17:53,495
I have... I have a podcast
483
00:17:53,527 --> 00:17:55,195
I've been doing in my garage
for years.
484
00:17:55,228 --> 00:17:58,065
But you can't see it.
Now you can see it.
485
00:17:58,098 --> 00:18:00,200
You can see me now.
486
00:18:00,234 --> 00:18:02,037
You can... you can put a face
to it.
487
00:18:02,069 --> 00:18:04,672
You can put my face
488
00:18:04,706 --> 00:18:07,943
right in... in your...
You're looking at my face.
489
00:18:09,876 --> 00:18:11,712
I hope it's not disappointing.
490
00:18:11,746 --> 00:18:14,950
This show is not going great.
491
00:18:14,982 --> 00:18:18,085
It's not going well.
I'm not happy with it.
492
00:18:18,119 --> 00:18:20,121
But, um...
493
00:18:20,153 --> 00:18:23,257
I have confidence in my chair.
494
00:18:23,290 --> 00:18:26,226
I brought my chair from home.
495
00:18:26,259 --> 00:18:27,796
[inhales deeply]
496
00:18:27,828 --> 00:18:29,797
This is a captain's chair,
497
00:18:29,831 --> 00:18:32,567
and I am a captain.
498
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,969
But we got a guest.
We got, uh...
499
00:18:36,970 --> 00:18:38,539
[blows air]
500
00:18:38,573 --> 00:18:39,873
Ken.
501
00:18:39,907 --> 00:18:41,643
Ken Marino.
502
00:18:41,676 --> 00:18:43,044
I'm gonna give him
a real intro.
503
00:18:43,076 --> 00:18:44,613
Come on back.
504
00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:47,248
Come on back, line camera.
505
00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:50,719
Ken Marino.
506
00:18:50,751 --> 00:18:53,721
Uh... love him.
507
00:18:53,755 --> 00:18:55,556
I love him.
508
00:18:55,590 --> 00:18:57,592
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
509
00:18:57,624 --> 00:18:58,892
Hey.
Hi, Marc.
510
00:18:58,926 --> 00:19:00,629
- What's up?
- What's happening?
511
00:19:00,661 --> 00:19:02,096
It's, uh, great it be, uh,
your first guest on your show.
512
00:19:02,130 --> 00:19:03,732
Oh. No one else could do it.
513
00:19:03,765 --> 00:19:06,234
- No, I'm very excited about it.
- No one.
514
00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:08,169
- No one.
- Oh, you mean, no one else can do it.
515
00:19:08,201 --> 00:19:10,904
No, I mean, if you're here,
that means, like, uh,
516
00:19:10,938 --> 00:19:12,712
like, Dax Shepard
couldn't do it.
517
00:19:12,747 --> 00:19:14,481
Well. I'm lower on the
list than Dax Shepard.
518
00:19:14,516 --> 00:19:15,142
[laughs]
519
00:19:15,176 --> 00:19:17,112
- [chuckles]
- No, buddy, it's not... No, not...
520
00:19:17,144 --> 00:19:18,680
No, I'm excited. I'm...
I'm happy to be on the list.
521
00:19:18,712 --> 00:19:20,748
Yeah. So...
522
00:19:20,782 --> 00:19:24,919
what have I seen you in...
like, lately?
523
00:19:24,951 --> 00:19:26,286
- Uh...
- Like, I remember you did that thing
524
00:19:26,319 --> 00:19:28,922
when I was, like, young.
There was a lot...
525
00:19:28,956 --> 00:19:30,859
- Oh, "The State."
- A lot of you guys.
526
00:19:30,892 --> 00:19:32,794
- Yeah, "The State."
- I didn't like most of you,
527
00:19:32,826 --> 00:19:35,930
but I didn't really...
I-I didn't register you at all.
528
00:19:35,962 --> 00:19:37,598
I did see you do
some stand-up back then.
529
00:19:37,632 --> 00:19:39,267
Right.
530
00:19:39,299 --> 00:19:41,769
So... what are you doin' now?
531
00:19:41,803 --> 00:19:43,103
I'm doing a show called
"Marry Me."
532
00:19:43,136 --> 00:19:44,838
It's a sitcom on NBC.
533
00:19:44,872 --> 00:19:47,342
- Mnh-mnh.
- No, I am.
534
00:19:47,374 --> 00:19:48,977
So what, you just wake up
in the morning and say, like,
535
00:19:49,009 --> 00:19:51,145
"I wanna be pathetic"?
536
00:19:51,179 --> 00:19:53,180
- "I wanna be pathetic."
- [whispers] Oh.
537
00:19:53,213 --> 00:19:55,316
"I gotta do my sitcom."
538
00:19:56,683 --> 00:19:58,118
Dude...
539
00:19:58,151 --> 00:20:00,788
Yes?
540
00:20:00,822 --> 00:20:02,724
Do you have a cigarette?
541
00:20:02,757 --> 00:20:04,124
What?
542
00:20:04,158 --> 00:20:05,627
You have a cigarette?
Do you have a cigarette?
543
00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:07,128
Do I have a... No, I don't...
No. No, no.
544
00:20:07,161 --> 00:20:08,962
I don't smoke.
545
00:20:08,996 --> 00:20:10,297
Does anyone have a cigarette?
546
00:20:10,331 --> 00:20:13,001
Any of you gaffers?
I want a Union cigarette.
547
00:20:13,034 --> 00:20:14,369
- [chuckles]
- Look at that.
548
00:20:14,401 --> 00:20:15,969
Reds, dude. Reds.
That's what I started with.
549
00:20:16,003 --> 00:20:19,374
There you go. There you go.
550
00:20:20,842 --> 00:20:22,310
You're doing a great job.
551
00:20:22,343 --> 00:20:24,813
Thanks. No, and this is
your first show, right?
552
00:20:24,845 --> 00:20:27,082
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
553
00:20:27,114 --> 00:20:28,982
It's, uh...
554
00:20:29,016 --> 00:20:31,018
Just 'cause you're...
Can't understand something
555
00:20:31,052 --> 00:20:34,155
doesn't mean that you have to
label me some idiot.
556
00:20:34,188 --> 00:20:37,092
[laughs]
557
00:20:37,124 --> 00:20:38,392
It's a pleasure. Right.
558
00:20:38,426 --> 00:20:42,330
I am right. It's guys like you
that ruined it.
559
00:20:42,363 --> 00:20:44,164
- What did I ruin?
- [thud]
560
00:20:44,198 --> 00:20:45,667
Oh, jeez.
561
00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:47,235
Oh, my God.
562
00:20:47,267 --> 00:20:49,170
Tom Snyder smoked.
563
00:20:49,202 --> 00:20:52,406
Tom Snyder smoked. Tom Snyder
smoked. Tom Snyder smoked.
564
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:54,676
- It's riveting television.
- [Marc speaks indistinctly]
565
00:20:54,709 --> 00:20:56,276
KEN: I'm just trying to be
a good guest.
566
00:20:56,309 --> 00:20:59,489
Tom Snyder smoked. Tom Snyder
smoked, smoked, smoked, smoked.
567
00:20:59,524 --> 00:21:03,118
568
00:21:03,152 --> 00:21:11,287
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
569
00:21:11,337 --> 00:21:15,887
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39912
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