All language subtitles for Maron s03e10 Patent Troll.eng

MARC: What happened
to your office?

Offices? Marc,
they're for insurance salesmen. And...

But not, you know...

but communal workspaces
like this,

they're the new paradigm.

There's no walls.

No, there's a climbing wall
at the back.

Have you got... It's so fun.
You sh... I haven't, but...

um, these kind of spaces
are kind of, like,

good for synergy
and networking.

And...
and for having everyone

[loudly] hearing
what you're saying?!

- Shh. Calm yourself down.
- Yeah.

Anyway, remember
how you were talking,

um, about wanting
to do more acting.

Yeah, if... if the role
is a lot like me.

- Like you... exactly. Which this is.
- Yeah.

Perfect role
that's just came up.

Rabbi.

A rabbi?

Rabbi, yeah.

No, very, very hip rabbi...
on "2 Broke Girls."

A sitcom?
No, no, no, no!

No,
I want something edgy,

like an independent film,

- like a Noah Baumbach movie.
- Yeah.

He always casts scruffy Jews.
Why not that?

Shh, I-I get that, edg...

I don't know if you've seen it,
but actually,

it's very self-aware
about how silly it is,

and so, actually,
very clever.

All right, fine.
Whatever.

Hurrah!
I'm gonna get you an audition.

Whoa! Back up!

I thought you said I had the
role, and now it's an audition?

- I have to...
- Do you want... I need an espresso.

I don't know if... Do you want one? Because
they're built into my membership dues.

I've had three.
[chuckles]

- So, there's, uh, coffee?
- Yeah.

Uh, a-all right, fine.

Let me have a double espresso
on ice.

Okay!

[cellphone vibrates]

Ohhhh... kay.

Hi, Sam.

- Maron, it's Seder.
- Yeah, I know.

How familiar are you
with patent trolls?

Not at all, really.

Some company in North Dakota
has claimed

that they invented the podcast
in 1976,

and they have invited me

to, quote, "join a growing list
of licensees," end quote.

He wants everyone who does
a podcast to pay him a fee.

How is that
even possible?

They didn't even have
personal computers in 1976.

Yeah, they say
that the weekly mailed

cassette subscription service
laid the groundwork

for the weekly podcast.

What?

Listen,
the patent is bullshit,

but I'm telling you, this could
be the death of podcasts.

Frankly,
I'm not unconvinced

that the Kochs
aren't behind this.

I mean, I've been going
after them on my podcast.

I just heard back from casting.
Friday at 11:00.

Oh, oka...
I got to go, Sam.

Good job
with the Koch Brothers, though.

I'm sorry, am... am...
am I interrupting you

in the middle
of a power lunch?

Marc, I'm only talking about
our livelihood here!

All right, just keep me posted,
okay, man?

Keep you posted?! Marc, come on!
I mean, help me out!

All right, so...

how does the rabbi
know the broke girls?

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com

Poor Sam.
What happened to that guy?

Spends his whole career
mired in political bullshit,

preaching to the choir.

It's a very small choir,
man.

Yeah, sounds like
he was asking for help.

I mean,
you are his friend.

Oh, okay, yeah,
if by "friend,"

you mean "guy I help constantly
with no thanks."

Brought him onto
my Air America show.

He screwed that up.

Wait. I thought he brought you
on his show.

No, man,
it was my show.

You guys have had
so many canceled shows.

It's just hard
to keep track.

Look, it's not my fault

that guy struck out
in Hollywood, all right?

And now
he thinks I'm a sellout

because... what...
'cause I'm successful?

Wait... he actually thinks
you're successful?

That is... Sad.

Okay.

[doorbell rings]

Did you invite somebody
over here?

I've never invited anyone
anywhere.

Oh, shit.
It's a fan.

[scoffing]
Yeah. Sure.

Seriously. One of them
tweeted my address last week.

- Hey, man.
- Hey, Marc Maron!

Hey, buddy, look,
I appreciate you coming by,

but it's a little...
little weird, all right?

So I need
my personal boundaries,

but I'll sign
whatever you got there

and I'll do a pic
if you want.

You...
you've been served.

What?

Yeah.

It's such an honor.

I mean, I was really psyched
to get this assignment.

- Yeah.
- Huge fan.

Great.
Great having fans like you.

[whispering] What?

Man, I wonder how you get a gig
like that... serving papers.

It's like you just get paid
to be a dick.

He's a... he...
he's a fan,

so it's very
emotionally confusing for me.

What is that?

Am I being sued, dude?

Yeah.
You're being sued.

This guy claims
he invented podcasts.

It's a patent troll.

- Sam was talking about this guy!
- Yeah.

- [knock on door]
- I can't believe it.

Selfie!

- Okay.
- Selfie!

- Okay.
- That's awesome.

Yeah. Okay.

I guess
I agreed to that.

[ping pong ball clacking]

[sighs]

So...
so, what's the deal?

It's, uh,
it's a bullshit shakedown,

and we're gonna be okay,
right?

Oh, God, absolutely...
probably.

Unless you're not.

What does that mean?

Our lawyers took
a little, tiny look at it,

and...
and you know what?

Just to be on the safe side,
perhaps stop podcasting.

No. No. I post
twice a week always.

Let's look
on the bright side, though,

'cause that's always good
to do.

Um, if you were to just have
a little hiatus on the podcast,

then you'd be able to focus
on what was really important...

the talk show pilot.

No, no. No, no, there's nothing
more important than the podcast.

The other stuff
is just stuff I do.

The podcast is what I am.

No, I know.

But they did pay you quite a lot
of money for the pilot.

You're welcome,
by the way.

Yeah, yeah.
No, I get it, all right?

I don't need the pressure,
all right?

The podcast saved my life.
I can't lose it.

- [clacking continues]
- I can't lose...

Enough with the ping pong
already!

What are you guys...
7?

What kind of grown-up...

You got me banned
from Soho House.

Now shut it.

What are you... 10?
Are you 10?

Do some work!

I can't believe
I'm doing this.

[sighs]

Wow!

Marc Maron taking out
his garbage, like a regular Joe.

Where's TMZ
when you need them?

Good to see you,
brother.

[groans]

I-I don't think
we've ever hugged before.

Yeah,
I-I didn't realize it

until about halfway in,
but yeah.

Uh, thanks for coming out
and saving my ass, man.

Hey, like Tom Joad, wherever
there's a fight, I'll be there.

Uh, will you, uh,
pay the guy?

Nice craftsman.

Don't like the color.

Kind of thought 'cause I was
flying out with your miles

that I'd be flying first class,
but whatever.

And I hope you didn't tip
that driver too much.

He got lost
and he kept insisting

I was that guy
from "Northern Exposure."

Hey, well,
you should be flattered.

You were almost recognized
as being somebody.

[chuckles]

So, uh,
you look good, Sam.

What's going on? How's Nikki?
How's the kid?

Oh,
how's the new baby-kid?

They'd be doing better
if I had a show on MSNBC.

I can see from the look of it
that, uh, finally deciding

on a haircut
and facial-hair combo

has, uh,
paid off for you.

How are the cats?

Well, honestly, they're afraid
of being seized by lawyers, man.

This whole thing's
a complicated mess.

I need you to help me
get out of it.

Yeah, look, the key is to not be
intimidated, all right?

Just keep doing business
and posting podcasts as usual.

I'm being sued.
I can't do that.

I just want it to go away,
man.

Come on, man. I mean, you see
I'm still doing my show, right?

Yeah. Right.

You don't listen to my show,
do you? Ever.

I'm having a hard time listening
to you right now, honestly.

You know, you were never
really interested in politics.

I don't know if that's true...
I just thought

that the issues that I was
dealing with were deeper,

and I think if politics, you know,
affects me personally,

I'll talk about it.

Yeah, well,
welcome to politics,

because this affects you
personally.

- And me, too, all right?
- Mm-hmm.

So what we got to do is
we got to rally the troops.

We got to make a list
of podcasters,

have them over here
for a meeting ASAP.

All right, good.
Grassroots action.

I'm in. Dig it.

Beautiful.

[cellphone chimes]

Oh. Yeah. Okay.

Well, look,
we'll roll up our sleeves

and get to work
as soon as I get back.

What... Wait, what?
Are you serious?

I just got here... after flying
all night on a red-eye.

I sat next to some guy who was
complaining about the deficit.

I told him it's going down,
not going up...

which in and of itself
is a problem.

God, that was
an exhausting diatribe.

I-I got to go.
I got a work thing. I got a...

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

"2 Broke Girls"?
Are you serious?

Oh, well, let's see what kind
of, uh, hi-to-the-jinks

the two broke girls
are getting up to this week.

Oh.

Uh, you auditioning
for Officer Kosakowski

or Rabbi Zach?

Well, he's actually...
it's a hip rabbi,

and I don't know
if you've watched the show,

but it's very self-aware
of how silly it is.

[laughs]
Marc, Marc.

I didn't fly out here

to, uh, pass judgment
on your personal life choices.

Okay.

Although those jeans...
not attractive.

All right, all right,
you know what, Sam?

Why don't you just come with me
and we'll strategize in the car?

- Can you just...
- Do you have, like, some...

- Why are you looking at my ass, anyway?
- It just looks like

your buttocks were removed
in an accident or something.

All right. Okay. All right.

- You coming? Are you coming?
- Weird.

Yeah, I'll get
a Facebook picture

- with the two broke girls.
- Yeah, I'm sure they're there.

Okay, so far,
we got, uh, Carolla,

Hardwick,
Kevin Smith on the list.

Definitely got
the "middle-aged white guys

you're jealous of"
demographic covered.

Look, I got
way too many body issues

to be jealous
of Kevin Smith.

[chuckles]
Chumps.

I tell you,
I do not miss these days.

No, sirree.

- My only regret?
- [chuckling] Yeah?

I didn't walk away
sooner.

Oh, is that what you call
failing... "walking away"?

I made a choice
to stop selling out.

- [sighs deeply]
- To do something... meaningful.

Okay. All right.
Do me a favor...

would you just get out of here,
all right?

Go down to Canter's,
start making calls.

I'll meet you in a few.

No, I think I'm good.

Ehh...

I am finding it
extremely vindicating

being here right now.

It reminds me
of how happy I am

not to be a part
of this vacuous bullshit.

No offense.

- Okay, none taken.
- Oh, good.

You realize that...

what a pathetic waste of time
this is, right?

Are we having a meeting
about our future

or are we watching the Super Bowl
with a bunch of diabetics?

It's brain food,
buddy!

I, uh, I'm thinking about
getting back on paleo.

So it's good. It's like
a cabinet cleanse for me.

Yeah, I was gonna say

it looks like
you're, uh, putting on a few.

Okay.
Well, thanks, Sam.

I did gain
a little weight, yes.

And you, as well,
seem to have more face.

I don't feel like
I need to hide it

with, like, say,
a mustache.

Well, that's good, because
I don't think you can pull a mustache off.

Yeah, that's because
I don't want to look

like a Jewish
General Custer.

Mm-kay.

[knock on door]

- Hey, Sam.
- Oh, hey, Dave.

- Good to see you.
- Yeah.

What are you doing here,
man?

We're having
a podcaster meeting.

Yeah, no shit.
Sam called me.

I do a podcast,
you know.

How do you not know
I do a podcast?

Does anyone know?
Why are you singling me out?

Okay, well, look, I want
to thank you all for coming.

I know it's not a great reason
to have a get-together.

I know a lot of you
have gotten these letters

from this
podcast patent troll

about, you know,
licensing fees and whatnot.

I just want to say
it's all bullshit,

but we still
have to kind of...

You don't have to
raise your hand, Tom.

Where's Chris Hardwick?

I heard that Chris Hardwick
was gonna be here.

I don't know.
He didn't come.

I want to have Chris Hardwick
on my podcast. He's great. [chuckles]

I don't know
where the big guys are.

Maybe they're busy.

Let's just eat some chips
and whatever.

We're gonna brainstorm

how to get these jokers
off our backs

without spending a lot of money
in a long legal battle in court.

Yeah, before you man-splain
the... the patent process,

can we just talk about
how podcasting

has turned into
this huge boys' club?

Wow. That is
such major bullshit.

Well, you guys are on each
other's podcasts all the time,

and you never come on ours.

Like, Marc,
would you be on my podcast?

Sure.
What about mine?

- No.
- I'll do yours.

No, thank you.
[chuckles]

Okay, listen, listen, listen.
Focus.

We need to create
a united front, all right?

We need to pull some bread
together, hire a lawyer,

maybe get a temporary injunction
on these jokers,

and then
we can buy some time

until someone
with deeper pockets

can help us
fight this thing.

[laughing]
Oh, no, Marc.

Marc, I'm sorry, but there's
no knight in shining armor

coming to your rescue here,
Princess.

That's not what I meant, man.
I didn't...

Look, look,
here's the deal, okay?

We called this meeting
'cause we're going to war.

Now, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it
for you.

It's gonna be hard as hell,
pricy as shit,

and some of us are not
walking off the battlefield.

All right,
dial it down, Norma Rae.

Look, the best thing
for us to do right now

is to record this meeting

and put it up
as Maron's next episode.

Anybody bring
any recording devices?

Yeah, I've been recording
since we got here.

We're not putting that up.

What are you, crazy?
I'm being sued.

Listen, there's a not-for-profit
called the E.F.F.,

- and they can...
- You're thinking small!

We got to go big!

We need to get
a patent referendum

on the California ballot,
and then we need to be prepared

to take this all the way
to the Supreme Court, people.

Are you with me?

Just to be clear, uh,
I'm not being sued.

Maron's the only one
facing jail time.

Yeah, well,
if we do this right,

we all got to be
facing jail time.

This is our Selma.

Whoa! No, it's... I'm not going
to jail for anything, so...

If we were cell mates,
I would dominate you.

Okay, let's take a breather,
people,

and let's... let's just get back
to talking about

what we were talking about
before.

No, save your talking about
your feelings

for your little podcast,
okay?

We're girding for war here!

My dick in your bottom
every night.

All right, look,
we don't need

to go all monkeywrench
on Corporate America.

I just want to get back
to podcasting.

Classic Maron.

All right,
these guys get it.

We have to roll up our sleeves.
We have to sacrifice.

I'm gonna get out of here.
[chuckles]

Yeah. I'm gonna walk you out,
sister.

Wait, guys.

I love a good fight
as much as anyone,

but I can't do anything that'll
jeopardize my disability income.

Ohh...

[door closes]

Way to go, Sam.

That meeting was a disaster
because you hijacked it.

I don't know
why I'm surprised.

You did the same thing
with our show.

- You sedered it, man.
- What's that supposed to mean?

It means
that you don't listen

and that you think
you know everything

and that you get obsessed
with minutia

that no one
gives a shit about

except for you
and maybe 12 people.

You know, you were supposed to
be funny, but you were too busy

checking your Facebook feed
for topless pics

and getting all sad about
your divorce on everything.

Well, I was sad!
You didn't help that, either!

You were there
to watch my back

and pick up the slack
with the politics.

Because you were too terrified
to go it alone,

so you bring somebody in
to take the fall

in case the show fails.

I don't think
that far ahead, man.

But, y-you know, you did...
it was your fault.

You know what?
And it just occurs to me.

- You did the same thing here.
- What?

You brought me out here
to help,

and then when it wasn't
a total cakewalk,

suddenly it's my fault.

I started my podcast
by myself.

Where were you?
You weren't here.

It's no coincidence.
Best thing I ever did.

Oh, yeah. And, by the way,
thanks for having me on.

Oh, is that what this is about?
I did have you on.

[laughs] Yeah,
you had me on for 10 minutes

back when you couldn't get
any other guests.

You gave that whole
"make the copy" guy

an entire hour.

Rob Schneider
was very compelling.

Look, the only reason why I care
is because I like the show.

It's the only two hours
out of the week

where you're not
a total prick.

Now, granted,
I skip ahead to the interviews,

but still,
the show is relevant.

And you're gonna
give it up

because you get one letter
that says you're gonna get sued?

I mean, do you think
that, uh, Richard Pryor

or Carlin or Lenny Bruce
would shut up that easy?

I mean, look,

the podcast is not only the best
thing you've ever done,

it's also
the best weapon you have.

Okay, well, I am getting sued,
and they can take my house, Sam!

Yeah, well,
sometimes having integrity

means you make
a sacrifice, Marc.

Oh, screw you, Sam!

It's easy to have integrity
when you have nothing to lose,

like an audience
or a future!

Right.

Well...
I'm gonna grab my bag,

call a more politically
palatable alternative to Uber,

and I'll see you in a few years,
when you need my help again.

[sighs deeply]

[record crackling]

[sighs]

What are you looking at?

Hey, folks, I apologize
for the week of silence,

but there's been
some legal trouble

up here at the Cat Ranch.

It seems that some patent troll

has decided
he invented podcasting

and we all owe him money.

And he's decided to sue me...
I guess as an example.

I don't know,
but I'm being sued.

I'm in violation of something
right now

just talking to you, I imagine.

But I need to talk about it.

Look, I used to do
political radio.

I used to be a political guy.
I've boycotted things.

I think lettuce, maybe.

Not grapes.
That was before my time.

But I've marched places.

Yeah... I've spoken out and up
against things,

but I got out of it
'cause politics disgust me.

But now, there's an issue

and something
needs to be changed,

and it affects me directly,
it affects podcasters... directly,

so I need help.
I need help.

So I'm talking about it

even if it might
get me in trouble.

It's about freedom of speech.

America, baby.

[knock on door]

Dave's asleep.

I'm not here
to talk to Dave, man.

Come on, man.
I got some burgers.

Thought you might want
a double-double

before you head out
to the airport.

All right, look, I'm just
panicky about all this stuff,

and maybe I was a little...
little harsh yesterday.

Sure you want
to waste an apology now?

Well, I mean,
we're not on your show.

- [sighs]
- Huh?

Look, we're... we're...
we're... we're podcasters

because we don't really
get along with other people, all right?

I'm just...
I'm saying I'm sorry,

primarily because
you had to sleep here.

I mean,
this place is disgusting.

Yeah. Pretty sure
I got pinkeye last night.

Mm.

And I, uh, I noticed
you posted your podcast.

That took a not insignificant
amount of courage.

All right, well,
maybe you inspired me.

At the very least,
you annoyed me into it.

- I'll take it.
- All right.

It's not often I get to rally
the troops anymore at work.

Or at home,
for that matter.

My kids are obsessed
with hobby lobby.

- Ehh.
- Yeah.

I'm hoping they're doing it
just to spite me.

Yeah, well, hey,
I'm listening.

I picked up the app.

Right?

Well, I've got an E-book
for 99 cents

you can buy
right through that app.

- Yeah, let's not go crazy.
- Eh.

[cellphone vibrates]

It's my manager.
One sec.

- Hey.
- EMILY: Hello!

How's my favorite
guest star client?

You got the part!

Ooh! Wow! Okay.

So now I guess I got to
actually watch the show.

Hey, do you know
if the casting agent

found somebody
to do that cop yet?

Because I know a guy.

He's hilarious,
and we got great chemistry.

[muffled]
I do accents, too.

Hold on. What?

I do accents, too.

Whatever those two broke girls
want, I'll do it.

Not you.

Hold on. [sniffs]

Do I smell
a double-double?

Excuse me, waitress.

Is this chicken kosher?

More importantly, are you?

Nobody move!

Oh, my God.
You look great.

How is this possible?

I'm dressed like a rabbi,
but you still look Jewier.

Mm. I've been eating doughnuts
all morning

just to get
into character.

You got doughnuts
in your trailer?

It was a joke.

Gentlemen.

We got some new pages

and a few
itty-bitty script changes.

Oh, and you guys know
how to break-dance, right?

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com

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