All language subtitles for Maron s03e07 Marcs Niece.eng

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,715 --> 00:00:06,817 Good morning, sunshine. 2 00:00:06,851 --> 00:00:08,318 Sleep okay? 3 00:00:08,353 --> 00:00:09,820 Yeah, is there coffee? 4 00:00:09,854 --> 00:00:11,488 Have you heard my podcast? 5 00:00:11,523 --> 00:00:12,656 No. 6 00:00:12,690 --> 00:00:14,191 Oh. 7 00:00:14,225 --> 00:00:16,226 Did you have fun last night? 8 00:00:16,261 --> 00:00:17,327 Eh. 9 00:00:17,362 --> 00:00:18,362 [cellphone vibrating] 10 00:00:18,396 --> 00:00:19,997 It's my dad. 11 00:00:20,031 --> 00:00:21,331 Oh. 12 00:00:21,366 --> 00:00:22,533 Give me the phone. 13 00:00:22,567 --> 00:00:23,767 You want to talk to him? 14 00:00:23,801 --> 00:00:27,771 Yeah. Give me the phone. 15 00:00:27,805 --> 00:00:28,872 Hey, brother. 16 00:00:28,907 --> 00:00:30,440 How's Sydney? 17 00:00:30,475 --> 00:00:31,909 You guys getting along? 18 00:00:31,943 --> 00:00:33,410 Is she talking? 19 00:00:33,444 --> 00:00:35,045 Yeah, she is talking. 20 00:00:35,079 --> 00:00:37,014 She's talking a lot about what a dick her dad is. 21 00:00:37,048 --> 00:00:39,116 Really? Like what? 22 00:00:39,150 --> 00:00:40,884 I'm just kidding, man. Everything's good. 23 00:00:40,919 --> 00:00:42,252 We're gonna have a great time. 24 00:00:42,287 --> 00:00:44,187 I'm just happy she's out of Arizona 25 00:00:44,222 --> 00:00:45,455 for the first time in her life. 26 00:00:45,490 --> 00:00:47,424 Look, she's a great girl. 27 00:00:47,458 --> 00:00:50,027 I just can't get her interested in anything. 28 00:00:50,061 --> 00:00:51,228 Maybe you can show her your life, 29 00:00:51,262 --> 00:00:52,296 and something will excite her. 30 00:00:52,330 --> 00:00:53,564 Oh, and also, 31 00:00:53,598 --> 00:00:55,732 don't trust her... at all. 32 00:00:55,767 --> 00:00:57,267 I think you're being a little paranoid. 33 00:00:57,302 --> 00:00:58,769 She's just a teenager. 34 00:00:58,803 --> 00:01:01,104 You're not a parent. You have no idea what it's like. 35 00:01:01,139 --> 00:01:02,806 Yeah, but, look, I get teenagers. 36 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:04,308 I've dated a few 24-year-olds, all right? 37 00:01:04,342 --> 00:01:06,109 I-I know I'm not her father, 38 00:01:06,144 --> 00:01:07,444 but I'm her cool uncle, 39 00:01:07,446 --> 00:01:08,812 and we're gonna have a great time. 40 00:01:08,846 --> 00:01:11,148 Remember, no booze, no boys, 41 00:01:11,182 --> 00:01:13,584 and don't let her leave the house dressed like a whore. 42 00:01:13,618 --> 00:01:15,752 Wow, bro. A whore? 43 00:01:15,787 --> 00:01:18,422 Don't worry, I got a handle on everything, okay? 44 00:01:18,456 --> 00:01:20,157 All right. 45 00:01:23,494 --> 00:01:27,097 Uh, I-I-I'll call if she ends up in jail. 46 00:01:27,131 --> 00:01:29,700 ["The Poisoned Well" plays] 47 00:01:31,570 --> 00:01:33,938 Won't fall for it 48 00:01:34,472 --> 00:01:36,429 You can't see 49 00:01:36,843 --> 00:01:38,710 And you can't tell 50 00:01:39,379 --> 00:01:43,813 I just can't drink from the poisoned well 51 00:01:43,814 --> 00:01:48,714 Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com 52 00:01:48,786 --> 00:01:51,288 So, what are we doing now? 53 00:01:51,322 --> 00:01:53,323 Wow. 54 00:01:53,358 --> 00:01:55,926 Are you sure you want to wear that? 55 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,594 Yeah. 56 00:01:57,629 --> 00:01:58,929 In public? 57 00:01:58,963 --> 00:02:00,931 This is what everyone wears. 58 00:02:00,965 --> 00:02:03,767 You're just acting just like my dad. 59 00:02:03,801 --> 00:02:05,035 I thought you were cool. 60 00:02:05,069 --> 00:02:06,470 I am cool. 61 00:02:06,504 --> 00:02:09,473 Uh, it's just gonna be cold outside, 62 00:02:09,507 --> 00:02:13,110 so maybe you could, uh, wear a sweatshirt. 63 00:02:13,144 --> 00:02:16,546 Why don't you take this? You can have it. 64 00:02:16,581 --> 00:02:18,849 You should wear it. 65 00:02:19,984 --> 00:02:22,519 Classic. 66 00:02:22,553 --> 00:02:24,521 What does that even mean? 67 00:02:26,591 --> 00:02:28,625 Okay, here's what we're gonna do this afternoon. 68 00:02:28,660 --> 00:02:30,894 We're gonna go to a taping of "The Conan O'Brien Show." 69 00:02:30,928 --> 00:02:32,396 You ever watch Conan O'Brien? 70 00:02:32,430 --> 00:02:33,797 SYDNEY: No. 71 00:02:33,831 --> 00:02:36,133 All right. 72 00:02:36,167 --> 00:02:38,335 Oh, all right. 73 00:02:38,369 --> 00:02:41,071 Well, that's a good adjustment. 74 00:02:44,042 --> 00:02:47,811 So, uh... So, how's school? 75 00:02:47,845 --> 00:02:49,146 I don't like school. 76 00:02:49,180 --> 00:02:50,814 All my friends go to a different school. 77 00:02:50,848 --> 00:02:52,582 All right, so... So, what do you like? 78 00:02:52,617 --> 00:02:54,317 Do you like art? Do you like music? 79 00:02:54,352 --> 00:02:55,752 Do you like sports? 80 00:02:55,787 --> 00:02:57,487 Do you like, uh, movies? 81 00:02:57,522 --> 00:02:59,756 Do you like... murder? 82 00:02:59,791 --> 00:03:01,324 Do you like murdering? 83 00:03:01,359 --> 00:03:03,193 [sighs] 84 00:03:03,227 --> 00:03:04,594 I have a boyfriend. 85 00:03:04,629 --> 00:03:06,363 Oh, well, that's... There you go. 86 00:03:06,397 --> 00:03:08,899 Uh, do... [stammers] Well, tell me about him. 87 00:03:08,933 --> 00:03:10,233 What's he like? 88 00:03:10,268 --> 00:03:12,436 My dad doesn't like him. 89 00:03:12,470 --> 00:03:14,671 Well, that... that's all you need, then, right? 90 00:03:14,706 --> 00:03:16,406 - [knock on door] - Ooh. 91 00:03:21,246 --> 00:03:22,279 - Whitney! - Hey! 92 00:03:22,314 --> 00:03:24,181 What a surprise! 93 00:03:24,215 --> 00:03:25,615 How's it going with her? 94 00:03:25,650 --> 00:03:26,917 Eh... 95 00:03:28,820 --> 00:03:29,886 Not really going. 96 00:03:29,921 --> 00:03:31,621 - Not great. - No. 97 00:03:31,656 --> 00:03:34,224 So, Whitney used to have her own show on TV. 98 00:03:34,258 --> 00:03:35,592 She does stand-up comedy. 99 00:03:35,626 --> 00:03:38,695 She produces another show on television. 100 00:03:38,730 --> 00:03:40,931 Yeah, do you, uh, want to get involved in television? 101 00:03:40,965 --> 00:03:42,099 No, not really. 102 00:03:42,133 --> 00:03:43,700 I don't really even watch TV. 103 00:03:43,735 --> 00:03:45,035 That's okay... I mean, the people 104 00:03:45,069 --> 00:03:46,069 that watch TV didn't watch my show, 105 00:03:46,104 --> 00:03:47,304 - so... - [chuckles] 106 00:03:47,338 --> 00:03:48,638 [laughing] Oh, my God, she laughed! 107 00:03:48,673 --> 00:03:50,040 - I'm killing. - Excellent! 108 00:03:50,074 --> 00:03:51,775 - [chuckles] - That was the first time. 109 00:03:51,809 --> 00:03:53,610 So, okay, well, then, what do you like? 110 00:03:53,644 --> 00:03:57,447 PewDiePie, Tyler Oakley, Smosh. 111 00:03:57,482 --> 00:03:59,049 What is she saying? Are these Pok?mon? 112 00:03:59,083 --> 00:04:01,318 No, these are YouTubers, right? 113 00:04:01,352 --> 00:04:03,253 Yes, yeah. Do you know any of them? 114 00:04:03,287 --> 00:04:04,342 - I mean... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up. 115 00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:05,590 What do... what do they do? 116 00:04:05,623 --> 00:04:06,957 They're coming for our jobs. 117 00:04:06,991 --> 00:04:08,058 That's what they are. 118 00:04:08,092 --> 00:04:09,392 This is Shad. 119 00:04:09,427 --> 00:04:10,927 SHAD: It's time for "Be My Bae"! 120 00:04:10,962 --> 00:04:13,263 SnizzLint96, be my bae. 121 00:04:13,297 --> 00:04:16,833 ChowFatFun, mmm, give me some. Be my bae. 122 00:04:16,868 --> 00:04:20,604 The_Droobler, be my bae. 123 00:04:20,638 --> 00:04:21,772 - [laughs] - Or no. 124 00:04:21,806 --> 00:04:23,073 Oh, he's hilarious. 125 00:04:23,107 --> 00:04:24,941 I-I feel like I was just assaulted 126 00:04:24,976 --> 00:04:26,476 with a barrage of no talent. 127 00:04:26,511 --> 00:04:28,845 That's a lot of talking fast. 128 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:30,347 He's the best. 129 00:04:30,381 --> 00:04:33,483 Really? At what? 130 00:04:35,386 --> 00:04:36,753 That was insane. 131 00:04:36,788 --> 00:04:38,288 That's the most excited she's been 132 00:04:38,322 --> 00:04:39,523 since she's been here. 133 00:04:39,557 --> 00:04:40,824 I mean, I don't know anything 134 00:04:40,858 --> 00:04:42,125 about that world. Do you? 135 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:43,593 No, I mean, but I am thinking 136 00:04:43,628 --> 00:04:45,529 about looking into it for my own career. 137 00:04:45,563 --> 00:04:47,531 I got to find one of those guys so she can meet them. 138 00:04:47,565 --> 00:04:49,533 I mean, do we know anybody that knows them? 139 00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:51,668 I mean, we're in show business. We got to know somebody. 140 00:04:51,702 --> 00:04:53,103 You know who you should talk to? Andy Dick. 141 00:04:53,137 --> 00:04:54,671 Oh, come on. Is there anybody else? 142 00:04:54,705 --> 00:04:56,606 I'm telling you, he's like the bridge, you know? 143 00:04:56,641 --> 00:04:58,108 He's the only one of our generation 144 00:04:58,142 --> 00:04:59,276 who still talks to 10-year-olds. 145 00:04:59,310 --> 00:05:01,378 Oh, no, but with him comes chaos 146 00:05:01,412 --> 00:05:03,180 and possible jail time and... 147 00:05:03,214 --> 00:05:04,781 But he is in town. 148 00:05:04,816 --> 00:05:06,616 He's promoting his court-ordered, 149 00:05:06,651 --> 00:05:08,652 um, like, one-man show. 150 00:05:08,686 --> 00:05:09,719 Just get him in your garage. 151 00:05:09,754 --> 00:05:11,054 Oh, then he's in my house 152 00:05:11,088 --> 00:05:12,989 and I got to open up that whole can of worms. 153 00:05:13,024 --> 00:05:14,191 I've been, uh... 154 00:05:14,225 --> 00:05:15,192 I've been avoiding Andy Dick. 155 00:05:15,226 --> 00:05:16,193 I think if you want 156 00:05:16,227 --> 00:05:17,194 to entertain your niece, 157 00:05:17,228 --> 00:05:19,062 you're gonna need Dick. 158 00:05:19,096 --> 00:05:20,730 Really, Whit? You're better than that. 159 00:05:20,765 --> 00:05:22,632 Definitely, I'm not better than that. 160 00:05:22,667 --> 00:05:25,568 All right, well, I guess I'm just gonna have to get Dick. 161 00:05:27,705 --> 00:05:29,406 Hey, Sydney. 162 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:32,342 I can explain that. He's a guy. 163 00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:37,361 All right, okay, so, explain to me, Andy, 164 00:05:37,396 --> 00:05:40,765 how do you get a court-ordered one-man show? 165 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:41,866 I peed in a theater. 166 00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:43,134 Is that what it's called? 167 00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:44,602 Okay, interview over. I'm done. 168 00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:46,270 Stop it. Stop it. 169 00:05:46,305 --> 00:05:49,040 No, no. It's called "Dick'd," with apostrophe "d," 170 00:05:49,074 --> 00:05:51,175 like "Punk'd" but with my name... "Dick'd." 171 00:05:51,209 --> 00:05:52,276 I'm "Dick'd." 172 00:05:52,311 --> 00:05:53,344 You are "Dick'd." 173 00:05:53,378 --> 00:05:54,946 - No. - But are you... 174 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,447 But the thing is I'm sick of it. 175 00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,316 I'm sick of... 'Cause the show you saw 176 00:05:58,350 --> 00:06:00,818 was that half "Mamma Mia!"- 177 00:06:00,852 --> 00:06:02,286 half "Puppetry of the Penis," you know, 178 00:06:02,287 --> 00:06:03,721 where I... Stretch Armstrong... 179 00:06:03,722 --> 00:06:05,122 But isn't the idea the... the... 180 00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:07,124 the court order was, as an entertainer, 181 00:06:07,159 --> 00:06:08,492 you were gonna talk about how you changed? 182 00:06:08,527 --> 00:06:09,894 - I mean, didn't... - Yeah. 183 00:06:09,928 --> 00:06:11,529 How is... Well, how have you changed? 184 00:06:11,563 --> 00:06:12,530 Well, you're looking at. 185 00:06:12,564 --> 00:06:13,531 - What? I like it. - You do? 186 00:06:13,565 --> 00:06:14,899 - Yeah. - Boring? 187 00:06:14,933 --> 00:06:16,334 It's not... How are you boring? There's no... 188 00:06:16,368 --> 00:06:18,536 Boring! Hello? 189 00:06:18,570 --> 00:06:19,904 You could never be boring. 190 00:06:19,938 --> 00:06:21,739 - Bo-ring! - That's in your head. 191 00:06:21,773 --> 00:06:23,240 - Bo-ring, ring. Hello? - It's in your head. It's in your head. 192 00:06:23,275 --> 00:06:24,642 Well, this is what you get, 193 00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:26,711 so this is what America wants. 194 00:06:26,745 --> 00:06:28,079 This is what America gets. 195 00:06:28,113 --> 00:06:30,681 You court-ordered it... boring! 196 00:06:30,716 --> 00:06:32,917 I own a wallet now. 197 00:06:32,951 --> 00:06:34,485 Good. Great. 198 00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:35,820 - And I got my driver's license back, - Uh-huh. 199 00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:36,821 which is good, actually. 200 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,022 It's in my wallet, 201 00:06:38,056 --> 00:06:39,991 which is in my front pocket, 202 00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:41,692 actually, because I wear my pants backwards. 203 00:06:41,727 --> 00:06:42,693 No, you don't. 204 00:06:42,728 --> 00:06:43,861 - No, I really do. - Why? 205 00:06:43,895 --> 00:06:45,496 So I don't whip it out, so... 206 00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:46,897 I'm serious... so easily. 207 00:06:46,932 --> 00:06:48,232 It's like, you know... 208 00:06:48,266 --> 00:06:49,600 Which doesn't happen as much 209 00:06:49,635 --> 00:06:50,668 now that I don't drink. 210 00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:51,769 Isn't that amazing? 211 00:06:51,803 --> 00:06:53,270 Keep it in your pants, kids! 212 00:06:53,305 --> 00:06:54,705 Now you've mentioned kids. You... 213 00:06:54,740 --> 00:06:56,574 - I don't remember. - But you have, like, kids. 214 00:06:56,608 --> 00:06:58,109 I have a boatload of kids. 215 00:06:58,143 --> 00:06:59,610 You have a lot of kids. 216 00:06:59,645 --> 00:07:02,113 Yeah, like, between three and five kids. 217 00:07:02,147 --> 00:07:03,848 - What? Oh, it's a... - Like, three... 218 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:05,750 Two that are, like, surrogate. 219 00:07:05,784 --> 00:07:07,518 So, you know how to talk to kids. I don't. 220 00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:08,719 No, I don't. 221 00:07:08,754 --> 00:07:10,621 No, my 15-year-old niece is here now, 222 00:07:10,656 --> 00:07:12,957 - and I can't communicate with her. - Good luck with that. 223 00:07:12,991 --> 00:07:14,992 I can't... I have no idea. She's just shutting me out. 224 00:07:15,026 --> 00:07:16,093 - Can't communicate. - No. 225 00:07:16,128 --> 00:07:18,129 - She likes these YouTuber guys. - Yeah, uh-huh. 226 00:07:18,163 --> 00:07:19,730 And they're just... To me, they're just yelling 227 00:07:19,765 --> 00:07:20,965 at the camera. They have no talent. 228 00:07:20,999 --> 00:07:22,299 Have you seen the videos? 229 00:07:22,334 --> 00:07:23,567 Ray William Johnson. 230 00:07:23,602 --> 00:07:24,769 Don't know him. 231 00:07:24,803 --> 00:07:26,437 - Pruane the Sexman. - Don't know him. 232 00:07:26,471 --> 00:07:28,039 Shad Browning-Harris. 233 00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:29,506 Him I've heard of. 234 00:07:29,541 --> 00:07:31,042 He's a very good friend of mine. 235 00:07:31,076 --> 00:07:33,244 [laughing] He throws... Oh, man, that last party. 236 00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:34,278 I don't go to those parties anymore. 237 00:07:34,312 --> 00:07:35,613 Well, good for you. 238 00:07:35,647 --> 00:07:37,081 Boring Andy. New Andy. 239 00:07:37,115 --> 00:07:39,183 That... Look, I-I-I'm sorry you're 240 00:07:39,217 --> 00:07:40,484 not going to parties, Andy. 241 00:07:40,519 --> 00:07:42,086 I don't think you're boring. But if you know 242 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,554 this kid Shad and you can hook me up with him 243 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,156 so I can introduce him to my niece, 244 00:07:45,190 --> 00:07:48,125 that would make me just the greatest uncle in the world. 245 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:49,493 Can you help me out? 246 00:07:49,528 --> 00:07:51,328 Can you promote my one-man show? 247 00:07:51,363 --> 00:07:52,463 Absolutely. What's it called? 248 00:07:52,497 --> 00:07:54,298 "Dick'd." "Dick'd." 249 00:07:54,332 --> 00:07:56,467 - Do you need a visual? - No, I don't. 250 00:07:56,501 --> 00:07:58,435 Oh, my... His pants are really on backwards. 251 00:07:58,469 --> 00:07:59,770 - Yeah, I told you. - Stop it. 252 00:07:59,805 --> 00:08:01,605 - You know what? - Sit down. 253 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:02,640 Yeah. You're a... 254 00:08:02,674 --> 00:08:03,841 That's too bad. 255 00:08:03,875 --> 00:08:05,422 It would have been great radio. 256 00:08:08,647 --> 00:08:10,481 That went good, right? 257 00:08:10,515 --> 00:08:13,017 I... Yeah, I guess so. I don't know. 258 00:08:13,051 --> 00:08:14,652 - You know what? It doesn't matter. - Yeah. 259 00:08:14,686 --> 00:08:17,488 The thing is, is I'll tell Shad that you're coming over. 260 00:08:17,522 --> 00:08:19,857 - Cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Okay, and then I'll text you... 261 00:08:19,891 --> 00:08:20,958 - That will be so good. - ...his address. 262 00:08:20,992 --> 00:08:22,259 That will be so good. 263 00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:23,627 It'll be such a nice surprise for her. 264 00:08:23,662 --> 00:08:26,497 ANDY: Isn't she a little young for you? 265 00:08:26,531 --> 00:08:28,732 That's my niece... I just told you my niece is here. 266 00:08:28,767 --> 00:08:30,000 Well, that's illegal. 267 00:08:30,035 --> 00:08:31,702 She's visiting. There's nothing going on. 268 00:08:31,737 --> 00:08:33,471 Why are we even having this conversation? 269 00:08:33,505 --> 00:08:36,540 - Hey, how long are you visiting? - Till Sunday. 270 00:08:36,575 --> 00:08:38,109 - Oh, I'm Andy. What's your name? - Sydney. 271 00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:41,011 Spaghetti arms, that's your name. Look at you, little spaghetti arms. 272 00:08:41,045 --> 00:08:42,913 All right, Andy, I think you're scaring her. 273 00:08:42,947 --> 00:08:43,879 No, I'm... What are you... 274 00:08:43,881 --> 00:08:45,049 - This is what I'm talking about! - What? 275 00:08:45,083 --> 00:08:46,117 I gave her spaghetti arms, 276 00:08:46,118 --> 00:08:47,151 - and now I'm a pedophile! - No, I'm... I'm not... 277 00:08:47,185 --> 00:08:49,653 I'm groping her when I'm giving her spaghetti arms. 278 00:08:49,688 --> 00:08:51,021 - No, I'm... - That's what I'm talking about. 279 00:08:51,056 --> 00:08:53,023 You're not helping my image! 280 00:08:53,058 --> 00:08:54,225 This is the new Andy. 281 00:08:54,259 --> 00:08:55,593 - All right. - Okay? 282 00:08:55,627 --> 00:08:57,361 Back off, S.V.U.! 283 00:08:57,395 --> 00:08:58,996 - Okay. - I am not a monster! 284 00:08:59,030 --> 00:09:01,232 O-Okay. 285 00:09:01,266 --> 00:09:03,534 All right, that was, uh, Andy... 286 00:09:03,568 --> 00:09:05,169 the new Andy. 287 00:09:05,203 --> 00:09:06,637 You should have seen the old Andy. 288 00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:08,398 That... that was something. 289 00:09:09,941 --> 00:09:12,243 I think this is it. 290 00:09:12,277 --> 00:09:13,344 What are we doing? 291 00:09:13,378 --> 00:09:15,012 Whose house is this? 292 00:09:15,046 --> 00:09:16,147 I've been here before. 293 00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:17,548 My friend Ray used to live here... 294 00:09:17,582 --> 00:09:19,150 Ray Romano? 295 00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:20,551 "Everybody Loves Raymond"? 296 00:09:20,585 --> 00:09:21,819 Really? Nothing? 297 00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:22,887 You don't...? 298 00:09:22,921 --> 00:09:24,522 All right. 299 00:09:26,091 --> 00:09:30,594 Hello? 300 00:09:30,629 --> 00:09:32,530 Hello? 301 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:38,035 This... this is The Shad Shack! 302 00:09:38,069 --> 00:09:39,336 Of course it is. 303 00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:42,039 Oh, my God. 304 00:09:42,073 --> 00:09:43,908 [voice in distance] 305 00:09:46,144 --> 00:09:48,646 [man imitating fighting sounds] 306 00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:57,888 And then I'm all like, "Pssh!" [chuckles] 307 00:09:57,923 --> 00:09:59,924 "Why you hatin'?" 308 00:09:59,958 --> 00:10:02,760 A guy like that needs some serious attitude adjusting. 309 00:10:02,794 --> 00:10:04,962 Why you hatin'? 310 00:10:04,996 --> 00:10:07,231 Why you hatin'? Hey. Mmm. 311 00:10:07,265 --> 00:10:08,966 What's happening? 312 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,135 He's doing the next "Why You Hatin'?"! 313 00:10:11,169 --> 00:10:12,703 [Sydney giggles] 314 00:10:12,737 --> 00:10:14,405 He's got a lot of nice stuff. 315 00:10:14,439 --> 00:10:16,857 He's worth $4.4 million. 316 00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:20,444 You're Andy Dick's friends. 317 00:10:20,478 --> 00:10:21,946 He told me you were gonna be stopping by. 318 00:10:21,980 --> 00:10:23,113 He was right about Sydney. 319 00:10:23,148 --> 00:10:24,148 Wow. 320 00:10:24,182 --> 00:10:25,149 Hey. 321 00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:26,617 Will you be my bae? 322 00:10:26,651 --> 00:10:27,785 Hey, hi. I'm Marc Maron. 323 00:10:27,819 --> 00:10:28,953 This is my niece. 324 00:10:28,987 --> 00:10:30,487 Ooh, but that niece-ta! 325 00:10:30,522 --> 00:10:31,589 [both laugh] 326 00:10:31,623 --> 00:10:33,090 Dude, I think I remember 327 00:10:33,124 --> 00:10:34,925 seeing you on Comedy Central. 328 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,061 - That's right. - Back when I was in elementary school. 329 00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:38,329 - Yeah, yeah. - Dope. 330 00:10:38,363 --> 00:10:41,232 So, uh, what have you been doing? 331 00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,000 I... You know, I still do comedy, 332 00:10:43,034 --> 00:10:44,335 and I have a podcast. 333 00:10:44,369 --> 00:10:46,770 Well, good for you for keeping at it. 334 00:10:46,805 --> 00:10:50,641 - You want to make a video with me? - Oh, no, no, no. 335 00:10:50,675 --> 00:10:51,842 I just wanted her to meet you 336 00:10:51,877 --> 00:10:53,510 and see what you had going on here. 337 00:10:53,545 --> 00:10:54,912 - I'm good. - You sure? 338 00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,647 Dude, I get like 2 million views a week. 339 00:10:56,681 --> 00:10:57,848 [chuckles] 340 00:10:57,883 --> 00:10:59,283 You don't think your podcast could use 341 00:10:59,317 --> 00:11:01,118 a Shad bump? 342 00:11:01,152 --> 00:11:04,021 You should do it. You should do it. 343 00:11:04,055 --> 00:11:05,189 You should do it, Uncle Marc. 344 00:11:05,223 --> 00:11:06,991 2 million subscribers, huh? 345 00:11:07,025 --> 00:11:09,627 - Swag. - All right, why not? Let's do it. 346 00:11:09,661 --> 00:11:11,495 - Good. - All right. 347 00:11:11,529 --> 00:11:14,665 I'll make a wardrobe change right quick. 348 00:11:14,699 --> 00:11:17,034 [giggles] You're so funny. 349 00:11:17,068 --> 00:11:18,869 Thanks. 350 00:11:18,904 --> 00:11:20,104 [clicks tongue] 351 00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,840 Oh, yeah. Thanks. 352 00:11:22,874 --> 00:11:24,808 MARC: Okay, what are we doing? 353 00:11:24,843 --> 00:11:26,777 - You got to squat. - Why? 354 00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:28,379 'Cause we're gonna pop into frame. 355 00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:29,980 [chuckles] You good with that? 356 00:11:30,015 --> 00:11:33,117 Yeah, yeah, I-I can pop. 357 00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:34,652 Sweet, thank you. 358 00:11:34,686 --> 00:11:35,953 I'll signal for you to pop up. 359 00:11:35,987 --> 00:11:37,054 Just do like I do. 360 00:11:37,088 --> 00:11:38,622 Rolling! [clears throat] 361 00:11:38,657 --> 00:11:40,724 [Shad exhales sharply] Action! 362 00:11:40,759 --> 00:11:42,726 We're back for another... [chuckles] 363 00:11:42,761 --> 00:11:45,296 "Why You Hatin'?" 364 00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:48,619 And, uh... [chuckles] Do you hear what I hear? 365 00:11:50,936 --> 00:11:52,303 What were you doing down there, 366 00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:54,571 Marc Maron of podcasting and comedy? 367 00:11:54,606 --> 00:11:56,140 I was doing what you told me to. 368 00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:57,875 Well, I didn't tell you to use teeth. 369 00:11:57,909 --> 00:12:00,044 - [chuckles] - Okay, yeah, that's funny. 370 00:12:00,078 --> 00:12:01,378 All right, all right. 371 00:12:01,413 --> 00:12:02,746 Now... now, okay, what are we doing? 372 00:12:02,781 --> 00:12:04,348 Relax, old guy. 373 00:12:04,382 --> 00:12:06,650 You need a chair, maybe some water? 374 00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:08,252 I don't know. You need a spanking 375 00:12:08,286 --> 00:12:09,853 or something, douche bag? 376 00:12:09,888 --> 00:12:11,822 - You want to start over or something? - No, no, 377 00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:12,857 we'll pick up from where we stopped, 378 00:12:12,891 --> 00:12:14,391 and then just edit around that. 379 00:12:14,426 --> 00:12:16,427 Action! It's Marc Maron from podcasting! 380 00:12:16,461 --> 00:12:18,896 He was on TV when I was a kid! 381 00:12:18,930 --> 00:12:20,064 Yeah. 382 00:12:20,098 --> 00:12:22,933 Marc Maron... 383 00:12:22,968 --> 00:12:24,435 who you hatin'? 384 00:12:24,469 --> 00:12:26,437 And why? 385 00:12:26,471 --> 00:12:28,105 I don't know what's happening. 386 00:12:28,139 --> 00:12:29,206 [clears throat] All right. 387 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:30,874 This next part, Marc, 388 00:12:30,909 --> 00:12:32,543 I'm gonna need you to put this baby bonnet on 389 00:12:32,577 --> 00:12:34,778 and then cry into the camera. 390 00:12:34,813 --> 00:12:36,547 I'm not doing it. 391 00:12:36,581 --> 00:12:37,215 [Shad scoffs] 392 00:12:37,249 --> 00:12:39,083 Don't be a little baby, Marc. 393 00:12:39,117 --> 00:12:40,718 Wah! 394 00:12:40,752 --> 00:12:42,586 I'm little baby Marc. Wa-a-a-h! 395 00:12:42,620 --> 00:12:43,754 Well, you think just because I'm older 396 00:12:43,788 --> 00:12:44,955 I don't know what you're doing here? 397 00:12:44,990 --> 00:12:46,290 You're trying to sandbag me with some, 398 00:12:46,324 --> 00:12:48,592 you know, green-screen video bullshit. 399 00:12:48,626 --> 00:12:51,028 You think you're funny? You think this is funny? 400 00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:53,030 You're not a star. You're not even talented. 401 00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,566 All right? You're just making crap. 402 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,468 Oh, let me rephrase that... content. 403 00:12:57,502 --> 00:12:58,535 Uncle Marc! 404 00:12:58,570 --> 00:13:00,604 Ah, see? Exactly. 405 00:13:00,638 --> 00:13:02,606 And what's your deal, Uncle Marc? 406 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:03,874 I paid my dues, man. 407 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:04,908 I'm a stand-up comic. 408 00:13:04,943 --> 00:13:06,410 I know how to do something. 409 00:13:06,444 --> 00:13:08,078 Yeah, you know... you know how to do something. 410 00:13:08,113 --> 00:13:09,913 - You do a podcast, right? - Yeah. 411 00:13:09,948 --> 00:13:11,915 - Where do you do that? - In my garage. 412 00:13:11,950 --> 00:13:13,117 Oh, okay. 413 00:13:13,151 --> 00:13:14,985 Beep, beep, beep! 414 00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:16,754 What does that even mean?! 415 00:13:16,788 --> 00:13:19,189 What do... Are we... are we still rolling? 416 00:13:19,223 --> 00:13:20,357 Is it my show now? 417 00:13:20,391 --> 00:13:22,760 Well, listen, anybody who watches this 418 00:13:22,794 --> 00:13:24,428 is a goddamn moron. 419 00:13:24,462 --> 00:13:27,561 How'd I do with the, uh, "Who I'm Hating?" 420 00:13:31,703 --> 00:13:33,937 Oh, shit. 421 00:13:40,345 --> 00:13:41,578 What?! What?! What?! 422 00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:42,813 You're not gonna talk to me now? 423 00:13:42,847 --> 00:13:44,314 I don't get it. I mean, what... 424 00:13:44,349 --> 00:13:46,016 I get into a fight with a guy who hand-farts 425 00:13:46,051 --> 00:13:48,452 Taylor Swift songs, now I'm the asshole? 426 00:13:48,486 --> 00:13:50,821 - [door slams] - Come... 427 00:13:52,157 --> 00:13:54,491 All right. 428 00:13:59,849 --> 00:14:01,716 Hey, Sydney, you want to come out here? 429 00:14:01,751 --> 00:14:03,919 I made popcorn, gonna watch a movie. 430 00:14:03,953 --> 00:14:06,221 It's a Fassbinder film... 431 00:14:06,256 --> 00:14:10,058 "The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant." 432 00:14:10,093 --> 00:14:12,327 You know that movie? 433 00:14:12,362 --> 00:14:14,029 Or "Pitch Perfect" is on demand. 434 00:14:14,063 --> 00:14:15,264 [cellphone dings] 435 00:14:17,767 --> 00:14:20,068 What? 436 00:14:20,103 --> 00:14:22,104 [keyboard clacking] 437 00:14:25,942 --> 00:14:28,911 I'm here with old guy Marc Maron! 438 00:14:28,945 --> 00:14:30,746 Do you need a spanking or something? 439 00:14:30,780 --> 00:14:32,548 [chuckles] Take me out to dinner first. 440 00:14:32,582 --> 00:14:33,782 You're just... funny. [farts] 441 00:14:33,816 --> 00:14:35,884 Ugh. What was that all about? 442 00:14:35,919 --> 00:14:37,452 Are we still rolling? [farts] 443 00:14:37,487 --> 00:14:39,688 Seriously, Marc, what did you eat? 444 00:14:39,722 --> 00:14:41,223 This is a professional sound stage, 445 00:14:41,257 --> 00:14:42,858 and that behavior is not allowed here. 446 00:14:42,892 --> 00:14:45,194 I'm a... ahit. [farting] 447 00:14:45,228 --> 00:14:46,795 Bye-bye, Marc. 448 00:14:46,829 --> 00:14:48,597 Shit! 449 00:14:48,631 --> 00:14:50,432 Hey, did you see this, Sydney? 450 00:14:50,466 --> 00:14:52,201 Are you happy now? 451 00:14:52,235 --> 00:14:54,136 [cellphone vibrating] 452 00:14:54,170 --> 00:14:55,904 [sighs] What? 453 00:14:55,939 --> 00:14:57,940 Hey, what's it like to be an old? 454 00:14:57,974 --> 00:15:00,776 Oh, great, you saw that, too? God damn it. 455 00:15:00,810 --> 00:15:02,444 I have software on Sydney's phone. 456 00:15:02,478 --> 00:15:04,713 I can see whatever she looks at on that thing. 457 00:15:04,747 --> 00:15:06,882 Wow, why don't you just put a chip in her head? 458 00:15:06,916 --> 00:15:09,284 Hey, what are you guys doing in the Hollywood Hills? 459 00:15:09,319 --> 00:15:11,820 - What? - Oh, I'm tracking her phone on GPS. 460 00:15:15,625 --> 00:15:17,092 How accurate is the GPS on that thing? 461 00:15:17,126 --> 00:15:18,727 Can you see an actual address? 462 00:15:18,761 --> 00:15:20,429 Uh, yeah. 463 00:15:20,463 --> 00:15:22,631 2602 Glendower Avenue. 464 00:15:24,467 --> 00:15:26,501 Boy, oh... Uh... That... that's amazing! 465 00:15:26,536 --> 00:15:28,270 2602 Glendower Avenue! 466 00:15:28,304 --> 00:15:29,972 That's exactly where we are. 467 00:15:30,006 --> 00:15:31,306 All right, we're in the middle of a thing. 468 00:15:31,341 --> 00:15:33,041 I'll check in with you later. 469 00:15:36,749 --> 00:15:38,819 [indistinct conversations] 470 00:15:41,203 --> 00:15:44,939 [up-tempo music plays] 471 00:15:44,973 --> 00:15:47,274 Excuse me. 472 00:15:49,645 --> 00:15:51,145 Hey. Excuse me. 473 00:15:51,180 --> 00:15:53,581 You seem like the only other adult here. 474 00:15:53,615 --> 00:15:55,683 Have you seen a 15-year-old girl 475 00:15:55,717 --> 00:15:58,486 with curly brown hair, bad attitude? 476 00:16:00,289 --> 00:16:02,623 Okay. Good talk. 477 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:08,062 All right. 478 00:16:12,834 --> 00:16:15,703 Andy! 479 00:16:15,737 --> 00:16:17,638 Aren't you not supposed to be here? 480 00:16:17,673 --> 00:16:20,141 Oh, I'm bad. 481 00:16:20,175 --> 00:16:21,342 Shit, are the cops here? 482 00:16:21,376 --> 00:16:23,144 - No, I di... - Oh, thank God. 483 00:16:23,178 --> 00:16:25,012 Marc, this is my daughter. 484 00:16:25,047 --> 00:16:27,515 So, Marc, my daughter, Meg. Marc. 485 00:16:27,549 --> 00:16:29,684 - All right, I got to go. - He's the mean guy. 486 00:16:29,718 --> 00:16:32,119 - And this is my boyfriend! Marc! - MARON: Oh, stop it. 487 00:16:32,154 --> 00:16:33,487 Okay, are you ready? 488 00:16:33,522 --> 00:16:35,389 I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. 489 00:16:35,424 --> 00:16:36,991 What are you doing?! 490 00:16:37,025 --> 00:16:38,459 What are you doing, Uncle Marc? 491 00:16:38,493 --> 00:16:39,560 Come on! We're going. 492 00:16:39,595 --> 00:16:40,795 Come on. 493 00:16:40,829 --> 00:16:42,363 No, no, no, I haven't done it yet. 494 00:16:42,397 --> 00:16:44,799 I don't know what "it" is, but we're going. Let's go. 495 00:16:44,833 --> 00:16:46,701 No, I'm gonna get a million hits. 496 00:16:46,735 --> 00:16:48,369 Hold my hair, you guys! 497 00:16:48,403 --> 00:16:49,837 [all chanting] Hold my hair! 498 00:16:49,871 --> 00:16:52,306 - Hold my hair! Hold my hair! - [chuckling] Hold my hair. 499 00:16:52,341 --> 00:16:53,708 Shut up! Shut up! 500 00:16:53,742 --> 00:16:55,009 Oh, of course. You. 501 00:16:55,043 --> 00:16:56,677 You're a piece of shit, you know that? 502 00:16:56,712 --> 00:16:57,979 - A piece of shit. - [chuckles] 503 00:16:58,013 --> 00:16:59,247 She volunteered to be the next 504 00:16:59,281 --> 00:17:01,349 "Hold My Hair" girl... brah. 505 00:17:01,383 --> 00:17:03,751 SYDNEY: Yeah, I'm gonna be the next "Hold My Hair" girl. 506 00:17:03,785 --> 00:17:04,819 You're not gonna be anything. 507 00:17:04,853 --> 00:17:06,187 We're leaving. 508 00:17:06,221 --> 00:17:07,188 Turn that off. 509 00:17:07,222 --> 00:17:08,923 Hey. Okay... dad. 510 00:17:08,957 --> 00:17:10,858 All right. I shut the camera off. 511 00:17:10,892 --> 00:17:12,994 It's still on. Turn it off. 512 00:17:13,028 --> 00:17:15,029 Hey, well, you know what? Freedom of the press, man! 513 00:17:15,063 --> 00:17:17,265 - I don't have to shut this off. - Turn it off! 514 00:17:17,299 --> 00:17:18,499 Are you really getting in my face 515 00:17:18,533 --> 00:17:19,767 - right now, man? - Yeah, I am right now. 516 00:17:19,801 --> 00:17:21,335 Oh, yeah, tough guy?! 517 00:17:21,370 --> 00:17:22,570 You know what? You can't 518 00:17:22,604 --> 00:17:24,272 put that up online because she's 15. 519 00:17:24,306 --> 00:17:26,607 Did you know that when you started filling her 520 00:17:26,642 --> 00:17:29,377 with rumple minze, you piece of shit. Did you know that? 521 00:17:29,411 --> 00:17:32,413 And if any video of my niece shows up anywhere, 522 00:17:32,447 --> 00:17:34,415 I'm gonna shut The Shad Shack down. 523 00:17:34,449 --> 00:17:36,250 Back to the garage, old man. 524 00:17:36,285 --> 00:17:37,918 - SYDNEY: Stop it. - Come on. 525 00:17:37,953 --> 00:17:39,320 - Ow. Ow! - I just can't believe 526 00:17:39,354 --> 00:17:40,855 you'd pull this kind of stuff with me. 527 00:17:40,889 --> 00:17:42,189 I didn't do anything wrong! 528 00:17:42,224 --> 00:17:43,457 You snuck out of my house. 529 00:17:43,492 --> 00:17:45,692 You got into a car with Andy Dick. 530 00:17:45,727 --> 00:17:47,295 You're... Now you're drunk at a party 531 00:17:47,329 --> 00:17:49,964 with date rapers and Andy Dick. 532 00:17:49,998 --> 00:17:52,099 All it takes is one idiot with a camera 533 00:17:52,134 --> 00:17:53,367 to ruin your whole life. 534 00:17:53,402 --> 00:17:55,036 Please, I-I know 535 00:17:55,070 --> 00:17:56,137 you've done worse. 536 00:17:56,171 --> 00:17:57,905 I listen to your podcast. 537 00:17:57,939 --> 00:18:00,074 Oh, really? You said you didn't listen to it. 538 00:18:00,108 --> 00:18:02,276 I lied. 539 00:18:02,311 --> 00:18:03,811 I like it. 540 00:18:03,845 --> 00:18:05,246 [laughing] Okay. 541 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:06,981 I just feel... 542 00:18:07,015 --> 00:18:08,749 alone all the time. 543 00:18:08,784 --> 00:18:11,952 Do you know what that's like? 544 00:18:11,987 --> 00:18:14,055 Yeah. 545 00:18:14,089 --> 00:18:15,156 Yeah, I do. 546 00:18:15,190 --> 00:18:17,158 [retching] 547 00:18:17,192 --> 00:18:18,759 Oh. 548 00:18:18,794 --> 00:18:20,328 Okay. All right. 549 00:18:20,362 --> 00:18:22,630 Got a real "Hold My Hair" video going here. 550 00:18:22,664 --> 00:18:23,931 [retching continues] 551 00:18:23,965 --> 00:18:25,132 It's a private moment, though. 552 00:18:25,167 --> 00:18:27,635 That's the way it's supposed to be. 553 00:18:27,669 --> 00:18:28,903 Hey. 554 00:18:28,937 --> 00:18:30,838 All right? 555 00:18:32,708 --> 00:18:35,776 You good? 556 00:18:36,878 --> 00:18:38,412 - [retching] - Oh. 557 00:18:38,447 --> 00:18:41,015 - I don't miss this. - [camera shutter clicking] 558 00:18:41,049 --> 00:18:43,651 - Nothing to see here. Put your phone away. - [retching continues] 559 00:18:46,985 --> 00:18:49,854 [cellphone vibrating] 560 00:18:50,058 --> 00:18:52,960 Hey, Josh, we're on the way to the airport right now. 561 00:18:52,994 --> 00:18:54,695 How did the trip go? 562 00:18:54,730 --> 00:18:55,696 Did she drive you crazy? 563 00:18:55,731 --> 00:18:56,931 No, man, it was cool. 564 00:18:56,965 --> 00:18:57,998 We had a good time. 565 00:18:58,033 --> 00:18:59,033 We went shopping. 566 00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,201 She met Whitney Cummings. 567 00:19:00,235 --> 00:19:01,335 Who? 568 00:19:01,370 --> 00:19:02,670 It was good, man. 569 00:19:02,704 --> 00:19:04,705 Last night we just had, like, a quiet dinner 570 00:19:04,740 --> 00:19:06,040 at some friends' house. 571 00:19:06,074 --> 00:19:08,442 No incidents to report, brother. 572 00:19:08,477 --> 00:19:10,845 Yeah, we're on... I'm going now. 573 00:19:10,879 --> 00:19:12,012 We're going right now. 574 00:19:12,047 --> 00:19:13,748 All right. Talk to you later. 575 00:19:16,318 --> 00:19:17,518 I didn't rat you out. 576 00:19:19,187 --> 00:19:20,254 Don't I get any credit for that? 577 00:19:21,757 --> 00:19:24,125 All right, did you learn anything from last night? 578 00:19:24,159 --> 00:19:25,359 No. 579 00:19:25,394 --> 00:19:28,028 All right. 580 00:19:28,063 --> 00:19:30,998 Let's get you to the airport. 581 00:19:35,771 --> 00:19:38,005 Parenting is the worst job on Earth. 582 00:19:38,039 --> 00:19:40,141 Even if you say you don't want to do it, 583 00:19:40,175 --> 00:19:42,042 even if you say, "I don't have the time. 584 00:19:42,077 --> 00:19:43,811 "I can't handle the responsibility. 585 00:19:43,845 --> 00:19:46,313 "I don't want them damaging my near-mint collection 586 00:19:46,348 --> 00:19:49,483 of 'Star Wars' action figures," it doesn't matter, 587 00:19:49,518 --> 00:19:52,553 because it's not a choice, really. 588 00:19:52,587 --> 00:19:56,223 Wanting to be a parent is hardwired into our DNA. 589 00:19:56,258 --> 00:19:57,658 And everybody who has kids just hopes 590 00:19:57,692 --> 00:19:59,160 that they can relate to their offspring 591 00:19:59,194 --> 00:20:01,429 better than their parents related to them. 592 00:20:01,463 --> 00:20:03,931 I mean, my 15-year-old niece was just in town. 593 00:20:03,965 --> 00:20:05,499 I thought I could relate to her. 594 00:20:05,534 --> 00:20:07,234 I thought I could give her some life advice. 595 00:20:07,269 --> 00:20:08,769 I thought I could connect. 596 00:20:08,804 --> 00:20:10,337 I could not. 597 00:20:10,372 --> 00:20:14,675 And what I learned is that teenagers are dicks. 598 00:20:14,709 --> 00:20:18,078 And then I started to think about what I was like as a kid 599 00:20:18,113 --> 00:20:21,182 and how difficult I was for my parents to bring up. 600 00:20:21,216 --> 00:20:24,185 And then it made me think some more about that. 601 00:20:24,219 --> 00:20:26,854 And then I came to the conclusion 602 00:20:26,888 --> 00:20:29,523 that my parents... 603 00:20:29,558 --> 00:20:31,759 still weren't very good parents. 604 00:20:31,793 --> 00:20:33,427 They were... they were kind of bad parents. 605 00:20:33,462 --> 00:20:35,629 - [cellphone dings] - What? 606 00:20:35,664 --> 00:20:40,634 Oh, shit! 607 00:20:40,669 --> 00:20:41,936 - [up-tempo music plays] - I'm gonna shut 608 00:20:41,970 --> 00:20:43,471 The Shad Shack down. 609 00:20:43,505 --> 00:20:45,606 Shut The Shad Shack down, down, down. 610 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:48,108 Shut The Shad Shack down, shut The Shad Shack, 611 00:20:48,143 --> 00:20:51,579 shut The Shad Shack, The Shad Shack. 612 00:20:51,613 --> 00:20:53,080 [keyboard clacks] 613 00:20:53,114 --> 00:20:55,616 If you do have kids, 614 00:20:55,650 --> 00:20:58,319 however you raise them, 615 00:20:58,353 --> 00:21:00,754 try to keep them off the Internet 616 00:21:00,789 --> 00:21:03,681 for as long as possible. 617 00:21:07,020 --> 00:21:12,120 Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com 618 00:21:12,170 --> 00:21:16,720 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 43040

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.