Original subtitles

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba

Ba, ba, ba, ba

Ba, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

Ba, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

Ba, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

Ba, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

Aw, shit!

[shifter clicks, engine revs]

- [tires screech] - Come on, man! Ridiculous!

Unreal!

What?!

Ba, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

Won't fall for it

You can't see

And you can't tell

I just can't drink from the poisoned well

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com

JOSHUA: Only I wouldn't say that I'm a cute guy, you know?

Like, I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy.

[Pakistani accent] Oh, come on.

That's... that's not true. Well, I mean, you know,

- it's true you're a big guy. - That's good.

Hey, can I... can I ask you something?

I've been meaning to ask you.

What's happening? What's happening with this?

It's a mustache.

But it's... You're doing the same thing as me,

and we're friends. Why are you doing that?

- I don't see that at all. - You don't see that it's the same thing?

No.

What's wrong with you?

And, of course, I have this...

this adorable accent,

which enables me to say [laughing] anything...

literally anything and get a laugh.

Look, just go ahead. Give me a word.

Fine. Uh, Holocaust.

[exaggerated Pakistani accent] Holocaust?

[laughter]

Yeah. Right?

What the shit? When are they gonna be done?

What is he doing?

He's just... Is he just saying words?

Is Kumar just saying words now?

Jar Jar Binks.

[laughter]

Okay, all right, there.

That's a... that's... that's a laugh.

- Hey, Marc. - What?

Are you mad about something?

Shut up, all right?

He just said he'd get me out of here early

so I could make my set at the comedy store.

Now I don't know when they're gonna be done.

JOSHUA: Testicular cancer.

KUMAR: Testicular cancer.

[laughter]

This is bullshit!

Wow.

[normal accent] Uh... Okay, so, uh, with that,

please welcome a friend... f-friend of the show...

Mr. Marc Maron.

[scattered applause]

Wow. Yeah.

Yeah. Welcome.

Okay.

Yeah, I know.

Keep it going for Joshua and Kumar Sanjani.

Oh, my God, that was relentless.

[scattered laughter]

That was terrible.

How long was that gonna go on for?

What, are you kidding me?

Comedy's not supposed to be tiring, or it didn't used to be.

[scattered applause]

[sighs]

That was bullshit.

DAVE: No. It's cool to watch a comic make an audience

hate him right away.

Are those new glasses?

Yeah.

[scoffs]

Hey, is there a problem, man?

Just... just... just... just...

just for the record,

you can't say I'm not funny on my own show.

All right, well, maybe I shouldn't do your show!

Why don't you ban me from your show?! Why don't you do that?!

You know what? I'm not gonna participate in this right now.

Pussy.

Excuse me?

Pussy. Do... Can you do your little game on that word?

Make that funny.

Oh, what are you go... So, you're gonna high-road it?

Are you a bigger man than me? Is this what this is?

You're a baby!

Wow. That was fun.

Yeah, totally unprofessional.

Well, you know what he's gonna do.

Tomorrow he's gonna E-mail me apologizing.

No, you know what he's gonna do?

He's gonna text me in five minutes saying,

"Was I wrong?"

[cellphone chimes]

[chuckles] What did I tell you, huh?

[chuckles]

[laughing] Oh, my God.

He has a problem, man.

Yeah.

I'm not gonna apologize to him.

I'll apologize to Joshua, but I'm not apologizing to him.

If you wanted to apologize, it would just, you know,

be to be a better person.

Oh, come on, man. He burns me.

He's so smug, and he's... He thinks he's better than I am.

I didn't screw up, man. He did.

You know, the important thing is that we've made it

to your second set just in time for you

to bomb in front of another audience.

Well, I was... I was too outraged.

I could...

I couldn't even remember my goddamn ice-cream bit.

You just blew through a stop sign.

No, I didn't. I stopped, kinda.

"Kinda"?

It's a California stop, Dave.

It's perfectly acceptable.

Yeah, as long as nobody sees you.

[siren chirps]

Oh. Well, look, he... he saw you.

God damn it.

You know, you should be okay as long as he realizes

we're in California.

Well, this is great. I have a pedophile mustache.

Shut up!

License and registration?

Is there a problem, Officer Ferguson?

Do you know why I pulled you over?

I don't know. To, uh, meet your quota?

Step out of the car, sir.

Why?! There was nobody coming!

Out of the car.

He's complying, Sergeant Chokehold.

You're not helping.

I'm not trying to.

Hands on the hood, please.

Oh, really?

You been drinking tonight?

Not in 16 years.

Want me to produce the chip for you?

This is bullshit, man.

Two weeks ago, my neighbor got broken into.

You guys didn't do dick.

Now a law-abiding citizen doesn't completely stop

at a stop sign.

Now you're all brave, right?

You're all brave, and you get...

Are you out of your mind?

Do you know how easy it would be for me

to slam your face into that hood?

You're mouthing off to a cop. I've got a gun.

I don't even have to touch you.

I could just throw you in jail and turn my back

while you get ass-raped.

This is going on social media, asshole.

- Back in the car! - Yeah, you got it.

You've got an anger problem.

You need to get help.

Now, go home.

That's it?

Get help!

Wait, that's it?

Are you're just getting away with it?

He's cutting me a break, man.

Jesus.

If he was a black guy,

you'd be kicking his teeth in right now, racist.

OFFICER: Back in the car!

Yeah, you got that.

I'm gonna go mail these T-shirts,

then pick up lunch and be back.

Yeah, okay. Hey, wait.

Did you check in to that class thing for me?

Oh, you mean the anger-management class?

- Yeah, yeah. - Yep.

I have all the info right here.

Brochure with class times.

And these are anger-coping mechanisms.

And, oh, actually, this is cool.

It's the anger iceberg.

See, um, rage and anger are just the tip.

Lurking beneath the surface

are feelings of sadness, fear, guilt, shame.

Great. Thanks.

You know, Marc,

I just got to say I feel pretty honored

that you would trust me with something so personal.

Okay.

It's cool you see me as a friend.

Well, you're my assistant.

I sent you on an errand.

An errand of friendship.

No, it was shit-work.

Okay.

Oh, come on.

My... my temper tantrums

don't really affect you, do they?

No, I'm used to it.

My mom's got anger issues, too.

Oh, well, that sucks.

Yeah, yeah, I think she had

a lot of rage towards her parents.

Mm-hmm.

And then it just kind of fell on

my brother and me.

Hmm. Right.

Coming home from school was always stressful.

We never knew if she'd be fine or furious over

some stupid dish I'd left out somewhere.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

I hope you understand

that when I'm... when I'm yelling at you,

I'm really just yelling at the situation, all right?

It just so happens

that I'm using your name and I'm pointing at you.

You understand that, right?

Yeah, I get that.

Okay, okay.

It was like that time when you yelled at me

because your car wasn't ready from the mechanic.

- I mean, it was not my fault. - Right, that's exactly right.

- Right. - Yeah.

Yeah, or, like, when I booked

Kevin MacDonald the director

and you were expecting Kevin McDonald the comedian,

it wasn't my fault you weren't prepared.

I don't... I don't know. I think that was kind of on you.

I mean, you knew there were two Kevin McDonalds.

You didn't tell me which one was coming. I think that's...

No, no, no. One's a Mac, and one's a Mc.

It's not my problem you're blind...

Just mail the boxes!

Can we do that now?!

Oh, my God!

MARON: I don't know.

You know, not a lot of things make me mad.

Prejudice. Traffic. Bad waiters.

B.J. Novak is a children's book author now?

How does that happen?

Oh, and one time I got these Peruvian boots.

The tongue of the boot just never broke in right

and kept cutting into my... Oh, God.

My parents were incapable of thinking about

anyone but themselves.

I mean, my mother projected her eating disorder on me,

which is why I have body dysmorphia. My dad...

this bipolar narcissist who thought he was a superhero.

I talk about this stuff at A.A. meetings.

I go to therapy. I read psychology books.

I-I really couldn't be more in touch with my emotions

than I am right now.

And in a moment, it just goes.

Stupid.

Excuse me?!

Do you have a problem with me, man?!

No problem.

MARIA: Well, I think it's great that you're gonna try

to get this under control.

MARON: Well, thank you. I'm excited about it.

I mean, it's been 50 years.

I've been an asshole for like 50 years.

- 50 years. - Yeah, I've got that down.

So, what is motivating you to turn over a new leaf?

[sighs]

Because of what happened at...

at burndown?

How do you know about that?

Do you know about that? Who d...

No.

Wait, did Kumar tell you about it?

Did he tweet about it?

He's the sweetest, nicest person.

Oh, I don't think that's true.

Yes.

No, that's not the words I would use.

Unflappable I think is what he is, and that bothers me.

I do not like unflappable.

He is unflappable, that guy.

Okay, enough about him.

Let's get off of... of St. Sanjani.

You seem like a person that, at the very least,

hides her anger very well.

You don't seem like an angry person outwardly.

- Yes. Yes, yes. - I'm believing the illusion

- that you're creating for everyone. - Yes, oh, yeah.

Uh, do you have any advice for me to sort of,

kind of harness my Howard Beale-ish tendencies

to get maybe less... uh...?

I'm the wrong person to ask.

You should really be asking someone

who carries a lot of anger.

Huh. Yeah.

That makes sense, actually.

[woman moaning]

- [sighs] - Hey.

I was about to rub one off.

Come on in.

No, I don't... No.

I just got to know how do you manage to keep it together?

What do you mean?

I mean, look at you.

You live in a dump.

I mean, your career's in the toilet,

and you hate your family.

You got no woman in your life.

Your hair's not doing you any favors.

You have this identity complex going on with me now.

I mean, how do you not completely lose your shit?

[scoffs]

Let's go around back.

What, do you got gym equipment out here?

Kinda.

You're the only one I've ever let in here.

Ohh.

I hope I'm the only one you... you let out.

Yeah. It's my private place.

I get as angry as I want in here.

I just leave it in here.

And that works for you?

Yeah, it's been pretty helpful.

Some politicians up there.

- Oh, there's that guy from the place. - Jeff.

Jeff. I hate that guy.

Yeah.

Oh, look, there's, uh, Tyson... Mike Tyson?

Yeah, convicted rapist.

Now everyone in Hollywood loves him.

- Hmm. - What's up with that?

I think he did his time, right?

So, now rape's okay? Is that where we're going?

No, I don't want to get... I don't want to talk about it.

- Oh, look at that. It's me. - Yeah.

What, are you jealous of me? Is that why that's up there?

- I appreciate that. Thank you. - Yeah, no problem.

Hey, this guy?

- Yeah? - Childhood bully.

- Mm-hmm. - And this chick

wouldn't date me in high school,

and now I put my dick right in her eye holes.

Well, that's atrocious.

Yeah.

But it's great learning new things about you.

What's going on here?

Oh, Marc, meet my father.

[grunts]

All right, I got to go.

Where are you going? I'm gonna go to home depot,

maybe get a shed with a... maybe with a well in it, okay?

Yeah.

You, uh... you just go ahead and close the door.

All right... weirdo.

Have a good workout.

What... what's happening?

Hey, do you know whose car that is?

Blocking my driveway.

What the...?

This is ridiculous!

What the...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Why is this here?!

Wait, what are you doing, man?

What's going on, Bernie?

That's a beautiful... beautiful hatchback.

Hatchback.

It's... But it's in my... I don't know, Bernie.

I don't know what's wrong with me, man.

My car's right up there.

It's not even blocking my driveway,

and I'm just like... Yeah... I'm a... I'm a mess, man.

I'm a mess.

Huh.

I'm searching for treasure. You seen any?

No.

Good. Good.

That means it's still out there.

Oh, my God.

Let me... let me ask you a question.

Have you ever humiliated yourself in... in...

in front of people?

In what way? You mean, like,

in a way where you felt embarrassed?

Yeah.

No. I've never done that.

Well, I did it.

With what?

I lost my shit in front of this guy and his wife, all right?

I was a dick, all right?

And there's no way around it.

And now I got to live with it forever.

And I feel like he's got one over on me.

You know what I mean?

Oh, is this about Obama... President Obama?

- No! - Is it about Bush?

No! I don't know those cats.

Then apologize to him.

I can't, man. I can't give him the satisfaction.

I just can't... I can't do it.

He's arrogant, smug. I just can't.

There were these two monks.

They came to a river. They were Buddhist.

What are you talking about?

It's a story. I'm telling you a story.

All right, all right. Okay, all right. Go, go.

So, these two monks saw this woman.

I don't know if she was Buddhist,

but that's not what's important.

Okay.

So, the woman wants to be carried across the river.

The old monk says, "I'll do it."

So, he carries the broad straight across the river...

done.

But she never said, "Thanks."

Right.

That's a nice shirt, man.

Thanks, man.

I got a jacket with big monster tits on it.

I've seen that jacket. They're not that big.

So, so, for the rest of the day, the young monk is mad...

mad at the bitch for not saying, "Thank you."

Right.

And finally,

the old monk slaps the shit out of that guy

and stuns him like a stuck nut.

And he says... he says,

"I carried her... I just carried her across the river, man.

You've been carrying her the whole day."

I know what you're saying.

You've been saying that I got to apologize to the guy

for my sake.

No.

You got to apologize to the guy for your sake.

Be the old monk.

Don't be the young monk.

The young monk was a bitter monk.

Maybe he shouldn't have never been a monk at all.

Maybe he had no choice.

Okay. Thanks, Bernie.

I think I get it, Bernie.

It's always good seeing you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey,

that's the treasure

you found today.

- All right. - [car door closes]

[sighs]

So, you came to apologize.

Yeah. I'm sorry, man.

I... I was out of line the other night.

You've got issues.

I-I know I do, man.

I mean, I-I struggle with it all the time.

I think you're talented.

I mean, you kind of... right place, right time

with this burndown thing, and, you know,

some people think you get a pass 'cause you're Pakistani.

And there's a school of thought

that thinks you earned it. And I think you might have...

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

So, this... Wait a minute.

This... this is your... apology?

Uh, not good?

[chuckling] You...

Wow, you're a real piece of work.

All right, all right, wait, now, hold on.

- No, no, no, no, no, you hold on. - I can... I...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Stop! You hold on.

[scoffs]

You're a real shit bag, you know that?

You dump on me because I'm too nice to fight back,

like it's some kind of weakness? Like, you think I'm soft?

Is that what it is? Do you think that I'm soft?

I don't know if "soft" is the right word.

It might be the right word.

Do you think that I've had it easy?!

Is that better? Is that a better word... "easy"?!

I grew up in Pakistan,

surrounded by thieves and terrorists and...

and religious zealots, and my mom...

you should meet my mom!

Do you think you could survive that?!

No, you couldn't.

And then I hit the job market in 2001.

Do you recall what else might have happened in 2001?

9... 9/11?

- Pardon me? - 9/11.

Bingo! Yes! 9/11!

Douche bag!

All right.

I'm not soft! You asshole!

Okay.

All right. Come on. Bring it in. Come on.

No, get the hell away from me for your own good.

Wow! I mean, you're usually so calm.

This is kind of blowing my mind.

Why don't you use this anger in your act?

Be, you know, f-funnier. A little funny.

You feel better about yourself? You got me angry.

I just thought we were kind of...

We could be friends, we could be...

Yeah, no, it ended this way, and you and I will never...

literally never be friends.

Either way, I have this, uh...

this... this... this... this iceberg diagram.

It's an anger-management thing,

'cause I'm... I'm working on mine.

And I could send it to you.

I think it would be helpful for you.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Look, I'll E-mail it to you.

Do you want me to help you set those chairs...

No, thanks. No, thank you.

[chuckles] All right.

See you later, man. [chuckles]

Here's the deal.

I have a river of rage running through me at all times.

It's just really up to me as to whether or not

I'm gonna put the kayak in the water.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I-I can't say that I'm not gonna have outbursts.

I can't make that type of promise...

like, I'm not gonna have an outburst.

That would be lying.

I can say that I will try to tighten the gap

between outburst and apology.

I can... That's what I'm doing.

And I'm making progress.

Recently, this came out of my mouth...

"Shut the hell up! I am sorry!"

That... that's tight.

I mean, t-there is, like, no gap there.

I don't think the apology was effective.

I mean, it was tonally, I think, inappropriate for an apology,

but... but my heart was in the right place,

and... and that's progress, people.

That's progress.

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0