All language subtitles for Maron s02e13 Desert Road Trip.eng

I don't know if this is me.

I mean, I'm not a guy that
spends money on an automobile.

I guess I deserve a new car.

I was just named
comedian of the year

at the Boston Comedy Festival.

I mean, it's not an Oscar,

but it's --
but still, it's something.

I mean, my podcast was voted
number one

a third year in a row --
that's good.

My manager just booked me
on "Charlie Rose."

I mean, "Charlie Rose" --
that's respectable.

I mean, that's for people
who have accomplished things.

I don't know, man. But now I got
to worry about a new car?

That's a whole new set
of problems.

I mean, is someone
gonna steal it?

Are they gonna key it?

Are people
gonna judge me?

Judge you?

Dude, it's a Nissan Altima,
not a Bentley.

Just sign the paper.

I deserve this.

Whatever, man.

["The poisoned well" plays]

[Sighs]

Pete?

Oh. Hey, Maron.

Hey, man. Is this, uh --
is this your shop?

Yeah, it's my shop.

I don't work here.
I own the place.

So no more comedy?

I got two kids and a wife,

and comedy
wasn't cutting it.

Is that okay
with you, Marc?

Great.

Hey, do you have that, uh --
that natural spa cat food?

Not in stock,
but I can order it.

It's pretty --
pretty pricey Stuff, Marc.

You must be doing well.

Uh, you know...
Well, look,

uh, when it comes in, I'll have
my assistant pick it up.

Assistant?

Uh, n-not an assistant.

It's more of an intern thing,
okay?

I'll pick it up myself.
It was good seeing you.

I'm just -- I'm just glad
you're doing well.

I'll just take this --
this Stuff.

Yeah. Sure.

[Scanner beeps]

[Indistinct conversations]

Charlie Rose?
That's huge!

I know. Right?
It's crazy.

Yeah, that guy is, uh --
he's national.

He -- and --
and he has gravitas.

He interviews heads of state
and Kermit the frog and --

yeah, I-I think I'm
in -- in between somewhere.

I think so.
Oh, hey.

Marc: Oh, my God.

First Pete
and now Stu Carbone?

What is it,
sad old guy week?

I haven't seen him
in years.

Ugh. Breaks my heart
just to look at him.

Oh, hey! It's Dave, Andy,
and Frank Zappa!

You nailed him.
Marc: Thank you. How'd you do in there?

I killed in there!
Oh, yeah.

Did you hear it?
It was like menudo!

It's good to see you, Stu.
I mean, I can't remember.

Yes.
When was the last time I saw you?

What was it,
when I opened for you

at the Shriners auditorium
in San Diego?

Was that it?
Ooh, that was terrible.

Did I cry on the way back?

You did cry a little, actually.
A little bit.

I cry. I cry a little --
lets things out.

Are you still living
in West Hollywood?

No, I got tired of living
with the gays, you know.

They're always driving up
their property values

with their remodels
and their sconces.

So you're -- you're anti-sconce
or anti-gay?

I'm not clear.
I am very anti-sconce.

Okay.
I'm starting an organization.

So now I live in redlands.
Uh-huh.

Huh?
Yeah, it's beautiful out there.

Redlands?
Where the hell is that? Andy: Where --

it's only 80 minutes
out of L.A.

I could get into my
auditions -- boom! -- In an hour and a half.

Well,
that's great, man. Sure.

It sounds like things
are going well. I'm happy to hear it.

Yeah, I got my 40 acres
and a mule -- my wife!

Ah!
[Chuckles]

Just kidding.
She left me. Whore!

[Laughs]
Marc: All right. Okay.

[Sighs]

Actually, uh, things haven't
been, uh, going that great.

My -- my manager got
into real estate.

Quit management?

Yeah, you know, her picture's
on bus stops now.

Ooh, that's not
a good sign.

Road work is --
is drying up for me. Yeah.

Hey, hey,
did you get my e-mail

uh, about being
on your podcast?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I got it.

I just get -- I get backed up
with interviews, you know.

Okay, great.
Uh, just tell me when.

I'll clear
my schedule out.

I'll give my hand
the day off.

Okay, man.
I mean, I got your e-mail.

I'll reach out, you know.

[Chuckles]
Great, man.

Hey, that was, uh,
a nice piece,

uh, in rolling stone
about you.

Oh, thanks, buddy.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey! Who wants to go out
and eat, huh?

Like the old days after an open
Mike, we'd go to canter's.

I can't. I got a thing
in the morning. Sorry, man.

Uh, you know what?
I'll go.

But on one condition.

I insist that I pay.
There you go.

No. I insist I pay.

Okay.
I'm in.

I don't care
who pays for me.

Great.
I'll get my bomber jacket.

It's back in style
for at least five minutes!

Andy: Ha!

Why don't you just put him
on the podcast? Yeah.

Because he's so sad
and desperate,

I don't think I'd be doing him
any favors.

And I don't think it'd do
either of us any good

to talk to him for an hour.

Okay, who's ready?
Like I need another meal.

I'm one meal away
from having my own moon.

[Laughs]
Hmm.

[Sighs]

Come on, man,
"jackass," "bad grandpa" --

that -- that humor, your humor,
is, like, primal.

Like, that shit will be
funny anywhere in the world, any country.

It'd probably be funny
on other planets.

I mean, my humor is only funny
in English,

and -- and if you read Twitter,
that -- even that's debatable.

Thanks, man.
That's sweet. Yeah.

But the thing is, I didn't
really expect any of this.

I thought I was gonna be dead
or in jail by 30.

Well, that's amazing, man.

It's amazing that you overcame
that environment

and you're where you're
at now -- it's very impressive.

Same goes for you.
How so?

When I was promoting
over in Amsterdam,

people would literally stop me
in the street

to talk about the show
we did together.

Really?
Yeah.

That's nice.
Yeah.

I bet you weren't thinking
about that three years ago

when you were about to blow
your brains out in this garage.

That is a fair assumption.

And the real shame is you
weren't even gonna film it.

I would have had
a slow-mo cam in here... Yeah.

...and scored it
with some classical music. Yeah.

[Humming Tchaikovsky's
"1812 overture"]

I don't think
I would have done it that way.

I probably would have done
carbon monoxide

or -- or maybe slashing
my wrists.

I mean, the gun thing --
that's a little macho,

and I -- you know,
then I'd have to -- I'd have to find a gun.

You could have used
one of mine.

What are you, crazy?!
Is that real?

Yeah.
That could kill somebody, man.

That could kill me.
All right, all right.

But I don't need it now.

Oh, my God.
I don't believe it.

All right.
I don't believe that.

That is the first time
that's happened.

There's a gun in here.

You are right, though.
You don't need it now.

No, no.
You've made it.

Well, that's nice
of you to say.

You don't even
realize it, huh?

Grab your shit.
We got to go.

What?
It's Stu.

I'm worried about him
because, you know,

we've been texting
since dinner the other night,

and then his texts
just stopped. So?

So he also had a meeting
with Dave's manager

set up this morning --
he never showed up.

Wait a minute. You
actually tried to help another human being?

I was just trying
to put my manager

in an uncomfortable
position. Oh.

Something is wrong.
I just know it.

We got to drive
out to redlands.

I can't, man.
I got Stuff to do. Like what?

I have to buy a new jacket
for "Charlie Rose."

I don't want to go
out there alone.

You're not alone.
You got Dave.

That's worse
than being alone.

All right,

but if we pass an outlet mall,
we're stopping.

Fine.

Marc: Wow. It is so desolate
in the desert.

I hope these meth dealers
have netflix.

That's a good tweet.
Should I tweet that?

Why are you asking?
You're gonna do it anyway.

It was a good one.
Hey, I got a question.

How are you eating
a gas-station hot dog?

That is disgusting.
I mean, that thing's probably been

on those rollers
for like a week. It's like poison.

We're on a road trip!
Anything goes!

Whoo!

Plus, as long
as it's rolling,

I-I've been told
it's safe.

Why don't you get
on -- on him?

He's downed, like, 400 ounces
of sports drink.

You know what
the sport's gonna be?

If he can hold it in.

Yeah.
No, I got that covered.

Look. It's got a cock hole
right there.

I just fill it back up.
Oh, no. Oh, Jesus.

Whole thing's like
a self-contained loop.

That's disgusting, man.
So is your act.

I should have been
an astronaut.

[Laughs]
This is fun! See?

We're bantering.
We're kibitzing.

This is great.
It's like the old days.

Yeah.
Remember when we did that D.C.-to-Atlanta run?

Uh-huh.
And then we stayed in that real dump?

Yeah.
I'll never forget that.

Now, is that a-a good memory
to you, or is that a sad memory?

Or are you just at that
age where you're happy you can remember things?

I also have, uh, problems
in the bedroom.

You do? What?
Yeah. I can't find the right sheets.

[Laughter]

Did you just make that up
just now? I did make it up.

What do you think of that?
It's pretty good, right?

Oh, look at you,
kung Jew.

[Chuckles]
Never again.

[Chuckles]

I-I can't believe Stu
lives out here.

Lived.
Dude's dead.

Belt around his neck,
cock in hand.

Don't even, okay?
He's fine.

Well, now you jinxed it
by saying he's fine.

He's definitely dead now,
with his man sauce

dribbling out
of his flaccid, cold penis.

Oh, shut up!
Come on.

Hey, did you know that Stu
opened for Frank Sinatra?

Really?
Yeah, it was like

a rat pack reunion thing
in the late '80s.

And Sammy is the one

who actually introduced Stu
to cocaine.

Holy shit. I should have him
on my podcast.

Well, now you jinxed it.

Hey, do you know what
you're gonna talk about with Charlie Rose yet?

Uh, I've got a call
with his producer.

I'm sure we'll work it out.

Good for you, man. Things are
really happening for you.

Well, he had enough
opportunities over the past 20 years.

Something was
bound to stick.

So, do you need to pee
or what?

Oh.

Done.

Oh, my God.
I didn't even hear you do that.

Yeah,
I'm a piss ninja.

How do we know this is it?

D-does it go by address
or license plate or what?

I don't know, man.
I'm nervous.

I don't think I-I can deal
with what's about to happen.

It feels weird.

This is
my comfort zone.

Stu, it's Andy Kindler!

Stu, are you in there?!

Are you in there?!

He's not answering.

Oh, no shit.

[Knock on door]

It's open.

[Sighs]

Jesus Christ, Dave.
What's going on in there?

Not good.

Oh, no!
This shit is bad! [Coughs]

No. No, no.
Go, go.

He's dead!

He's dead, right? Right?
Th-that's dead!

W-we don't need to check
for a pulse or anything.

Oh, my God.
This is awful.

Hey, I called it,
though, right?

Oh, we should have done
a pool.

Can you just act like
a human being for two seconds, please?

We knew that guy
in there.

Why you going back
in there?

Don't do anything weird,
Dave.

I feel terrible.
This is awful.

I-I had a bad feeling
about this.

[Sighs] Do you have any idea
how old he was?

He was my age.

Oh, my God.
It's just so weird.

I mean, you know, no matter
how much you think about death,

when you're confronted with it,
it's just so brutal.

Whoa, did you know
that dead bodies can fart?

Oh, please.
Whew.

Hey, look.

This dude died
while he was writing a joke.

That is sad, you know?

"I can't stand magicians.

You know what would be
a real trick?"

No punch line.

Wow. He died
just like he lived.

Yeah.
[Laughter]

Hey, I -- I got one.

You know what would be
a good trick?

If someone could stop this pain
in my chest.

That's --
yeah, that's all right. All right.

I'm gonna try and get a signal,
call 911.

Oh, they're not gonna have
a punch line.

Yeah, hey, uh, I-I'm calling

from the white rock
trailer park.

Uh, we -- we have
a dead body here.

Um, it's a heart-attack type
of thing.

Could you send a-an ambulance
or a hearse or something?

45 minutes?

What do you mean this doesn't
qualify as an emergency?

Oh, yeah. I guess it's not
a life-or-death situation.

Yeah, I get it. I get it.

What? We -- we have to wait
for a report?

I -- yeah. No, we'll be here.
We'll be here.

I got -- I got to take this.

Hello? Gary?

Oh, hey, man. Gary from the --
from "Charlie Rose."

What's up? Yeah, yeah.
Everything -- yeah.

Yeah, I'm excited. Thank you.

I do. I do actually have a good
story about how we started out.

Uh, it all turned around

when I interviewed
Robin Williams, I think.

Hey --
Dave: Why is 911 asking you about your podcast?

I called them. They're --
they're on their way.

Yeah, yeah, uh, the reason
it struck a chord was

he was able to show a different
side of him -- what?

Nothing.

I just thought I'd watch you
promote your career

while our friend's organs
digest themselves

in a shit box
about 50 feet away.

Yeah, man.
Can I call you back?

Okay, man. Thanks.

Happy?

Yeah. Sure.

What is that?

Well, I'm trying to come up
with a punch line to Stu's joke.

I figured if I can come up
with a good punch line,

stu wouldn't have died
in vain.

That's ridiculous.

W-what's the setup?

All right, it's,
"I can't stand magicians.

You know what would be
a real trick?"

How about this?

Not getting a girl to flee

when you pull out
your deck of cards.

[Chuckles]

It's all right.

How about, uh...

Making my father
take interest in me?

[Chuckles] Well, that's
certainly personal.

[Sighs]

You guys working on
the punch line for that joke?

Are you eating his food?

Relax.
It's vacuum-sealed.

It's not like it has
death germs all over it.

A grape?

Skin counts as a seal.

30 years in the business,
this is the payoff --

broke and alone with some creep
rifling through your fridge.

This could have been
any one of us, right?

Yeah.
I could have ended up here.

Yeah, but not anymore,
right?

What does that mean?
Admit it.

You think you've gotten
over some hump now.

Okay, take it easy, Dave.

I got this, Andy.

No, I don't think
I've gotten over any hump.

I'm doing okay now.

But I know there's no guarantees
in this business.

Where's this coming from?
You think I'm being arrogant?

'Cause I think I'm keeping
a pretty good head about this.

You think?
Yeah, I do think, Dave.

Hey!
Hey, I think I got it.

You know what would be
a-a great trick?

Pulling a hat
out of a rabbit!

Yeah. Keep working
on the joke, Andy.

[Insects chirping]

Yeah, yeah. I get it. Yeah.

Okay. Great.

All right, man.
Take care.

Oh, my God. Are you wearing
a dead guy's coat?

Because that's
a little morbid.

Not to me.

I mean, you could say
it's morbid

that I'm wearing
his long underwear.

Bullshit.

Really?

No, don't get sucked
into his sick vortex.

You know, you got a problem
with death, man.

Oh, yeah?
How's that?

Well, the whole schtick
with the food and the coat.

It's gallows humor.

You're just not comfortable with
the reality of the situation.

Oh, I am super comfortable.

Thanks
to Stu's long underwear,

my balls are warm
and toasty.

All right, guys. How about
we don't go after each other?

Maybe we should just work
on finishing Stu's joke.

We're done
with the Stupid joke, Andy.

It's a shitty setup,
all right?

This whole thing is sad
and horrible,

and I think we
should just process it.

Oh, yeah. Hey, let's hold hands
and say a prayer.

Jesus, why don't you
shut up, man?

Look, I just think
maybe we could have done

a little bit more
for Stu.

Okay, here we go.

Yeah, maybe if he would have
been on my podcast,

I would have fixed
everything, right?

Well, you are in a position
to do things for people.

It's not like you've ever
mentioned me to Conan's bookers.

What, do you think
I have magic power,

like I can just pull
some strings

and make things happen
for you?

Yeah, absolutely.
That's what friends do.

You're delusional, man.

I'm just trying to keep
my head above water.

You believe
this shit, Andy?

I-I got to say,
I-it feels

like we don't talk
as much anymore.

Yeah, he's gotten too big.

That's not true.

It just --
it just isn't true, Dave.

You know, just so you know,

I just got bumped
from "Charlie Rose," all right?

So how big am I, huh?

Oh, okay.
I'm sorry about that.

That's -- that's --
that's terrible.

That sucks, man.

Does it suck, man?

What difference
does it make?

You know what would be
a great trick?

If I could orgasm

at the same time
as my wife

instead of way before.

Do you have an off mode?

Man: Hey!

Everything okay?

Yeah. Just walking around,
getting some air.

Look like you got
a lot on your mind.

Come on over here
by the fire.

I didn't know
Stu was a comedian.

Makes sense, though.

He always made me laugh.

Yeah, yeah.
He was a genuinely funny guy.

He was just cursed
with that same thing we all are, you know --

that compulsion to make it
in this ridiculous business.

[Breathes deeply]

It's every comic's fear
to die broke and alone, man.

My friend's right.

I had fooled myself
into thinking

that I reached
a certain level,

which guaranteed that
this couldn't happen to me,

that I-I couldn't wind up dead
in some shithole like this.

But I know it's a lie.

Oh, man. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to call your home a shithole.

Don't worry.
I get it.

It's probably nice
in the springtime.

Well, what have I got, man,
aside from this ridiculous job?

I mean, I'm 50 years old,
got no wife, no kids.

50 years old?

No wife. No kids.

Sounds like you won,
to me.

[Laughs] Right?

[Chuckles]

Oh, man.

Listen, uh, this thing
you've dedicated your life to...

Do you love it?

There's a lot of bullshit
involved, but...

Yeah, when I get
behind the Mike, I love it.

Love is unconditional.

The good, the bad --
it's all the same thing.

If you've got something
that you love,

you're way ahead
of the game.

Wow.

There's something
about this place.

I don't know if it's the desert
air or the isolation --

I don't know -- but it's --

[chuckles]
It's kind of mystical, man.

Yeah.

That's why
I moved out here.

Plus, it's only 80 minutes
from Hollywood --

easier to make it
to auditions.

[Chuckles]

Were you Isaac
on "The Love Boat"?

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles]
Among other roles.

[Both laugh]

Wow!

[Sighs]

What other roles?

Take care, brother.

So, Stu's ride
finally came, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, you know, uh,
about before, I-I was just --

don't worry about it.
Enough said. We're cool.

Yeah,
I went over the line.

I got you
a little peace offering.

[Chuckles softly]
These were Stu's? Yeah.

There any sabbath in here?
Oh, yeah, there's sabbath.

Nice.

Taking
some of his porn.

He's got some great

"black guy, black guy,
black guy, white milf" Stuff --

just...

How many guys?

Not enough.

Hey, Pete.
I'm here to pick up my food. Oh. Man.

This was a pain in the ass to get.

You would not believe
how many calls I had to make.

Well, I didn't -- I didn't mean
to cause you any trouble.

It wasn't any trouble.

Hey, man,
can I ask you a favor?

One time...
Yeah?

...right in front
of Chuck lorre -- okay.

I mean, this is my big shot
and all. Yeah?

My 12-year-old says,
"what are you talking about?

Dad's the least-funny guy
in the family." Oh!

Do you think that had any, uh --
did it blow it for you or...

No. I never really had
a shot. Oh, maybe you did.

No. No.
Okay.

I'll tell you what, though.
Yeah?

Being a father has actually made
me a lot funnier. How so?

Every comic has the sensibility
of a 9-year-old. Okay.

It took me 30 years,

but I finally found
my perfect audience.

Aww, that's sweet.
Yeah.

But you're happy, right?

I am happy.
I'm very happy.

That's what's important.
Thank you, Marc.

[Chuckles]

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