All language subtitles for Maron s02e12 The Joke.eng

[Laughter] All right, so,
what's new with Marc Maron?

That's it?
That's the question?

What, do you want
to nap through this?

I can interview myself.
Where you at, Conan? We good?

[Laughs] I'm sorry.
I did the best I could.

All right. No, no, hey,
everything's going pretty good.

I was actually on the cover
of my college alumni magazine.

Really?!
Yes, and that was oddly vindicating.

I can't even imagine you
in school.

Were you this angry back then?
[Laughter]

I think I was more angry,
because back then,

I was all hopped up on coke and I
had a flock of seagulls haircut.

[Laughter] Didn't make
anything any easier.

Well, you couldn't get away
with that today.

There's some school
in Missouri --

they're gonna start
drug-testing college students.

Yeah, that actually
seems unconstitutional.

Not only is it unconstitutional,
I think it's cheating.

I mean, if you can't tell
I'm high by looking at me,

I win, right?
[Laughter]

[Laughing]
That's a really good point.

Okay, on that note,
we'll take a break.

More with Marc Maron in
just a second. Stick around.

[Upbeat music plays]

Hey, Marc,
it's going great.

Is it?
Absolutely.

This is the best
I've ever seen you.

That drug-testing line
was hysterical.

Yeah, just, uh --
just popped into my head.

Thataboy. Improv, right? Yeah?
Get that brain moving.

Keep it up.
You're doing great.

[Chuckles]

How you doing, man?

I wish I was dead.

["The poisoned well" plays]

[Sighs]

And he-e-e-re's Marky!

How was "Conan"?

It was okay.
I don't know.

I'm tired, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, um,
I cleaned your mikes

and booked your ticket
for Bumbershoot.

And for your meeting tomorrow
with Jon Groff,

I put out your navy v-neck
with vintage cords.

Jesus Christ.

Would you stop laying out
my clothes? It's weird, man.

Sorry.
[Sighs]

Forgot about that meeting,
man.

I didn't prepare shit.

Bring me.
I've got tons of TV ideas.

Like, there's this one
about me and my buddies

trying to make it
in L.A --

get out.
Okay.

[Water running]

Marc: Oh, shit!

I'm telling you,
it's not my joke, all right?

I don't know whose it is,

but -- but I can hear someone
else doing it in my head.

We got to cut it, man!
We got to --

It's too late.

The show already ran
on the east coast.

Oh, shit.
Look, this thing happens all the time.

No one is gonna notice.

I mean, have you heard anything
from anybody yet? No.

Exactly.
No one is going to notice.

Okay. Okay.

You're probably right.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, you be-- bottom line --
you were great, all right?

Relax!

[Cellphone thuds]

[Sighs]

Thank you.
Thank you.

You know, I would ask you
if you miss doing stand-up,

but I think I can
guess the answer to that. [Chuckles]

Man, this is
long overdue, huh? Yes.

I was just talking
to the network suits, too,

about how you rocked
"Conan" last night.

Oh, wow.
Thanks, man. That was great.

Thanks.
Yeah.

What part?
Uh, the ice-cream bit.

Oh, good.
Yeah, thanks. Yeah. Yeah, that was really funny.

And, uh,
the drug-testing line.

Hilarious.
Yeah, right.

Uh, I'm surprised I'm even
on their radar.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.
And, honestly, we would love

to develop something with you
if you have any, like,

you know, arenas
that you're kicking around.

Yeah.
I have some arenas.

I know it sounds
idiotic, okay?

But the network has
actually purchased the rights

to a bunch
of hot Twitter feeds.

Come on.
No, honestly, you know,

they're just sort of
food for thought.

See what you think.
Do you respond to any of those?

"Hobo roommate"? No.

"Pets who want to kill themselves."
Now, like, how do I fit into that?

What, am I a pet owner,
a concerned pet owner?

"Don't do it!"
What is that? Maybe.

Uh, "zombie dating tips."
Come on, Jon.

Look, I know it sounds horrible,
but it just really --

it's just kind of
to get you thinking, okay?

I got a feeling this wasn't
how "The Wire" was made.

Do me a favor, though?
What?

Just take another look
at "hobo roommate."

All right, I'll think
about "hobo roommate."

You know, just use it as
a jumping-off point, you know?

I'm -- I'm jumping, Jon.
I'm jumping.

Bill: So, right in the middle
of my bit,

I look out and there's
some jerk-off in the crowd

filming me
with his iPhone --

the exact thing they just said
not to do.

Yeah, the -- the filming thing's
got completely out of hand, man.

It's sad. It's just,
like, another thing comics

have to reckon with,
you know?

Like -- like getting bumped
or hecklers or... Exactly.

...joke thieves,
bachelorette parties.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, dude.
I mean, come on, joke thieves?

Yeah.
That -- that's a whole different animal, man.

I mean, personally, I think
those guys ought to be dragged out in the street and shot.

Yeah.
Dude, I-I mean, I don't want to be corny or anything,

but I-I hold you
in such high esteem

that you actually had the balls
to hold certain comics' feet

to the fire right in this
very garage, man, you know?

And I speak for a lot
of comics, man,

where we're so glad somebody
said something, dude.

We -- we really
consider you --

you're like the Eliot Ness
of -- of the joke police.

Nah, you know --
look.

You know, I always say
that, you know, comics --

they're gonna hear
like thousands of jokes

in their lifetime,
and, yeah, eventually,

they're probably gonna
do someone else's joke once

at some point,
you know?

No, I-I don't think
I ever heard you say that.

You all right, dude?
You -- you seem miserable --

more than usual,
I mean.

[Sighs] Well...
All right, l-listen.

I-I was ad-libbing on "Conan"
the other night, all right?

So, I do this riff about drug testing
being cheating, because, like --

"if -- if you can't tell I'm high
by looking at me, then I win."

And I just have this...
Nagging feeling of guilt

that that might be
somebody else's joke, right?

Yeah, man.
I'm being paranoid, right?

No, you're being
a piece of shit.

That's a Bobby Mendez bit.

God damn it!
[Chuckling] Yeah.

Aw, man. I knew
it felt weird, you know?

I haven't seen
that guy in years,

but, like, I don't know
what to do about it now.

Well, the old road dog
just got out of jail.

I'm sure he's out there
somewhere working the clubs

as you're back here
in L.A. getting fat,

dining on his old bits.

Jesus, Marc, that's bad.
Oh, that's right.

He was in jail.
I just -- oh, my God.

Ah, dude, I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm sure it won't get back to him.

He's probably actually writing
some new material right now

that you can
later on steal, right?

It was an accident, man.

[Chuckles] That's what
every joke thief says.

Sleep well tonight,
sticky fingers.

It was an accident, though.

[Knock on door]

[Knock on door]

Marky Marc, it's me.

Holy shit.
Open the door.

[Sighs]

Marky Marc, what
took you so long?

Bobby, hey.

Not bad.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

If you got some of
your neighbors deported,

this place might be worth
a little something, huh?

This is a blast
from the past, man.

Oh, you sleeping?

Yeah, it's the middle
of the night.

Oh. I was
in the neighborhood --

Phoenix.

You know
what I heard?

Some of my friends
told me you were on "Conan"

and you absolutely killed.

Yeah, I-I-I know
what you're getting at, man.

And, look, I want to
apologize, all right?

It just came out, Bobby.
I-I-I --

I'm just breaking
your balls, all right?

You were on national TV,
everybody's watching.

I know how it is.

Well, I don't know how it is.
Conan's never had me on.

But I do know
one thing --

I know that
you're a fair guy,

and you would
never ever, ever, ever

screw over
another comic.

I know that you're gonna
make this right,

you'll take care of me,
so I'm not worried about it.

All right, all right.
Thanks, man.

Anyway [Sighs]
you know, I was thinking,

I've done a lot of time on the
road. I did some time in jail.

Maybe I should give this
little Hollywood thing a go --

with your jedi
guidance, of course.

Right. Ok-- right.

Get me a couple
of comedy-club gigs,

maybe hook me up with some of
your jewball buddies for coffee.

I don't know about that.
I'll put the yarmulke on.

I don't know about that, but,
yeah, I'll try to help you out.

And I'm gonna need
a place to crash. Uh-huh.

What do you think?
You know what?

I can make this Bobby HQ
for a few weeks, you follow me?

Until I get my little stabbing
cabin up in the hills --

nice like a doctor.
[Laughs]

All right, well, y-y-you know, that
couch doesn't even pull out, man.

Who cares about the couch?
I'll sleep on the bed with you.

Nice and comfy,
ass to ass.

Yeah. No--
just like my stint in prison.

I-I'm not comfortable
with that. I --

I'm just kidding you. The couch
would be great, all right?

And just to show you it's not all
"take, take, take, take, take"...

Uh-huh.

...ba-bam!
Oh, yeah.

The fruit of the gods, huh?
Yeah.

Look at this.
[Snorts] Yeah.

Bam ba-ba-bam ba-bam-bam.
Oh, yeah.

Look what I got for you. Look.
No, no, no.

[Makes train noise]
Open up for uncle.

No, thanks.
Open up for uncle Bobby.

I've been sober 13 years, man.

I can't.
I heard, but I thought it was a joke.

Come on.
Nah, I can't.

Ha! More for me.
[Snorts]

Da-da-da, da-da-da.
Da, da.

I just wanted to catch up
with you and talk.

It's good to see you anyway.

You know what I was thinking about
on the way up from Phoenix?

I was thinking about that time
we went to Sioux City,

and we picked up that little
Indian broad, we took her back...

Ah.

We took--

[snoring]

How is that
even possible?

Good morning,
bright eyes.

Oh, my God.
How are you awake?

[Chuckles] Wait.
Is that my robe?

Yeah, it looks good, huh?
[Chuckling] Yeah.

Oh.

We got a big day today.

You're gonna make
some calls for me.

You're gonna call the
comedy store and get me a spot.

Yes. Doing that.
And you won't be sorry.

You should've seen me
last week at Bogart's.

I killed.
I forgot about that place.

Does that redhead
still run that place?

Bridey with the weird laugh.

And the worst tramp stamp
I've ever seen --

both:
Papa smurf smoking a bong.

What is that?

[Laughing] Yeah, the smurfs.
Come on. They're in 3-d now.

Whoa!

Carb city --
population you.

Geez, Marc. I just went
smoothie-shopping yesterday.

Come on, Kyle.
Quit acting like an idiot.

Bobby, this is Kyle,
my assistant.

This is Bobby. He's a comic. He's
gonna be staying here a bit.

Nice to meet you.
Oh, cool. Hey, Bobby.

Wow, so -- so this is like
Marc's old posse

meets the 2.0 version, right?
[Chuckles]

Marc and I are actually pretty
tight. I'm kind of like --

Go down to the store.

Get me a six pack of beer,
some rolling papers,

a tube of brylcreem --
get yourself one, also --

some black dress socks,
and some razors.

I got to look
good tonight.

I don't want a dry eye or a dry
pair of panties at the place.

Y-you know, Bobby,
these mainstream clubs

aren't the make-or-break places
they used to be.

Hey, you pussying out
on our deal?

No, man. I'm -- I'm just trying
to manage expectations.

Maron, you just get me the spot
and let me do the rest, okay?

Back already?
That was quick.

What? No.
No, I-I haven't left yet.

I just needed to grab some money
for the...Things.

[Sighs] This generation --
always looking for a handout.

Get out of here!
Ow.

Get out of here.
Where'd you find this kid?

He just showed up
one day.

It's always bad
when somebody just shows up.

[Laughter] Marc: All
right, this is it --

main room at
The Comedy Store, Bobby.

I hope it's everything
you dreamed it would be.

I'm ready.
Yeah, are you?

This is where legends
were made -- Dice, Pryor. Yes. All of them.

That was back
in the day, though.

Oh, look at this.
I got to get ready.

No, I'm good.
I'm good. [Snorts] Ahh.

You ready?
How do I look?

Oh, you're good.
You're clean.

It's gonna be
like stealing.

All right, I've heard a lot
about this guy,

and I never really knew
he actually existed.

Give it up for
the living legend, Bobby Mendez!

[Cheers and applause]

Good to see you.

Keep it going one more time
for Ahmed Ahmed.

How's it going, man?

You know the toughest thing
about this job?

What?
Is pretending that it doesn't suck.

I know. I know.

Even she's scared
of the guy's dick.

You can see the director looking at
her, going, "touch it. Touch it."

And she's like...
"I ain't touching that."

They're all looking
at me like, "listen, man.

This is it.
We want our money back."

I'm like, "hey, it was
an investment. What the hell?"

That's it?

Nothing? That's the best
you guys got for me?

I'm up here,
dying up here,

giving you my heart,
and that's the best you got?

Let me tell you something,
when I do my HBO special,

I want the same 12 people coming here,
because I don't want no laughter.

I just want you to stare at me,
and I'll stare back at you.

All right, thank you.
Have a good night.

[Scattered applause]

What is this bullshit?
What?

It's Friday.
Where is everybody?

I told you -- these big rooms
don't have cache anymore.

Everything's
gone niche, Bobby.

Listen, I didn't get a new pair
of socks and an eightball

to hear you pontificate
on the state of comedy. Yeah.

This is your town, right?
Yeah.

Take me to a good room.
Oh, my God. All right, okay.

What are we doing here?
I told you I already have blow.

This is the show, all right?

I texted the kid
who runs the thing,

and you're going on
in 20 minutes.

It's a house, Marc.

Look, man, trust me.
It's a thing, all right?

I've done sets
here before.

I did a set in a taco stand
last week, man.

Look, it's packed.

So is the shitter
at Dodger Stadium.

You don't see me
doing sets there, do you?

They both have
their own euphemisms, right?

I could combine them --
I could be like,

"aunt flow's coming to town
on the 420 train."

[Laughter]

But that's awful. That's
not good. I shouldn't say that.

Bobby:
Kept looking at me, I'm looking at him, he's looking at me.

Finally, I said, "the hell
with it. You want to blast?"

Put on his little tooth, and
he just -- phew! -- Took off

and smoking a cigarette...

You know what? Screw this.

You guys don't want
to hear this.

Do me a favor, all right?

Go home,
write your little screenplay,

suck a bag of dicks,
and die!

Good night.

Thank you, buddy.

Okay, well, you know,
in comedy parlance

when somebody does really well,
we say they murdered.

I think that guy
literally might have murdered. [Laughter]

What's next?
A set at Chuck E. Cheese?

This crowd
was ready to laugh.

If you can't adapt,
that's on you, man.

Hey, Marc Maron.
Hey, Jon. What's up, buddy?

How you doing?
What's going on? Nice to see you.

[Chuckling] Hey.
Holy shit. Bobby Mendez.

Jesus.
What's going on? Oh, my God.

Good luck with this crowd.
Oh, no, I'm just here

to check out a couple
of comics with talent deals.

I mostly work
as a TV producer now.

Yeah, we were just taking off,
man. It's good to see you. Oh, absolutely.

What a coincidence.

Marky Marc and I were just
talking some TV shit,

and we have an idea about
that guy that did the thing. Oh, yeah,

You liked it.
Yeah.

Well, you know, it's really
in the embryonic stages,

but...Yeah.
Okay.

Well, you know, we could sit
down and have a spitball sesh.

Call my office.

We'll be there.

Seriously, this idea
is gonna make "Friends"

look like a bunch
of espresso-sipping jerk-offs.

All right, cool.
Well, I'm gonna grab a seat. All right.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing, man?
Jon's a busy guy.

Marc, what,
are you getting soft on me?

We had an agreement,
remember?

Yeah, all right.
Let's go.

Bob catches a bird
mid-flight in his claws...

What are you doing?
Don't do coke in here.

Are you nuts? It's Hollywood.
It's practically required.

Besides, I got to get
in the zone.

Oh, my God.

[Snorts]

Sorry about
the wait, guys.

My kid's
middle-school teacher

had to tell me
all about her pilot idea.

[Chuckles]
You know how it is. Yeah.

Anyway [Groans]
look at this.

We're all back together.
It's like the old days.

Yeah, if this were a diner
and it were 3:00 A.M.

And we were broke,

it'd be exactly like old times.
[Chuckles]

Hey, let's cut the bullshit,
all right? Here's the pitch.

There's this guy --
let's call him Bruce --

does 18 months on some
bullshit drug charge, gets out,

goes to work for his idiot
nephew at some porn shop.

While he's there,
he's dating a stripper.

The stripper's
turning tricks on the side --

okay, I --
I got to stop you.

It sounds a little raw
for network television.

But here's the winner
right here.

Here's the whole
network ba-bam.

She gives the HIV
to like eight guys.

They throw her in jail.

Bruce and the nephew
have to bust her out of jail.

They get shot -- boom --
end of season --

pilot, the whole thing.

Huh?

I don't know
what to say...

Other than
thank you, Marc.

Yeah.
Bobby, good to see you.

Good to see you.

Marc, anything on,
uh, "hobo roommate"?

Yeah.
I'm living it.

[Salsa music blaring]

Are you kidding me?

[Sighs]

Hey,
shut that off, man!

What the hell is going on, man?
[Music stops]

It's 3:00 in the morning.
Exactly.

And since you pussied out
on celebrating with me,

I went out
and made new friends.

What are you celebrating?
The meeting was a disaster.

I want these people
out of my house, Bobby.

Marc, relax.
This is a business meeting here.

Addie did a few episodes
of "Quantum Leap." Tell him.

Kyle: I don't care
what WebMD says.

My pupils
are way too dilated.

I mean, I barely have
any irises left. Look.

Oh, hey, Marc.
[Sniffles]

[Sneezes]
Bless you.

[Addie snorts]

[Sighs]

What's up with my jaw?

Can a person give
themselves tmj?

You gave
the kid blow?

Oh, man, am I gonna
have to go to rehab?

All right, look,
we got to talk over here now.

Wait, you guys, hold it.
Do you hear that? Addie: What?

My heart.
Can everyone hear my heart?

You really know how to
shit on a good party. What's up your ass?

That kid's an innocent. He's never had
anything stronger than beer. [Music resumes]

You're giving him blow?!
Look at him. He'll be fine.

He's having a good time.

Listen, you just need
a little face time with Addie.

Wait, is she the trans
or the other one?

No, it doesn't matter,
all right?

I'm tired
of this shit, okay?

If you want to call me out
for the joke thing, fine.

Knock yourself out.
You don't think I will?

I will call you out
like a little b--

[coughing and wheezing]

Oh, man.
What's going on?

What's going on?
What's happening?

[Coughing, gagging]
You all right?

[Coughs] I'll be fine.
This happens sometimes.

[Coughs]
I got to get my medicine.

You got medicine?
Yeah.

I got a little medicine
or something.

Oh.
Little, little something for the head.

[Snorts, sighs]

See? I'm back.
I got my color.

[Mutters]

Unbelievable.

All right, that's it.
Party's over.

Everybody out.
Come on.

Let's go, people.

See you around, prick.

All right, great.
Sweet.

Uh, uh, very nice.

Right.
All right. Good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not you, scarface.

Oh, yeah, right.
Okay, I'll stay.

You want to play
Monopoly or something?

Hell no.
I want to go to bed.

Okay.

Um, but...

If -- if I end up
O.D.ing tonight,

don't tell my mom
I died a junkie.

[Sighs]

One round.
I'll get the board!

I'm the thimble.
Kyle: I got it!

[Birds chirping]

Uh-huh.

Hey, Bobby, I really
got to talk to you abou-- hold on. It's Groff.

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm in.

All right.
No worries.

Okay.

No go, huh?
Sorry, man.

Nah, Groff said he pitched it to
the network, and they loved it.

What?!

He said that the brass
thinks my persona

fits some
crazy Twitter thing they own

called
"crap your crazy uncle yells."

They want to do
a developmental meeting.

That's amazing!
When?

Tomorrow, but I don't know, man.

What do you mean?

Ah, they want me to come up
with an outline.

They want me to go
to a few meetings.

I don't want to jump through
a bunch of bullshit hoops, man.

Come on, Bobby, I mean,

some people wait their entire
life for this opportunity,

and it happened for you
in like a few days.

Hey, I got to do the Store.
I got to do a few meetings.

I got to dip my dick
in some top-shelf tail.

Wow, you really don't remember
last night, do you?

The point is,
I did the Hollywood thing,

and you can have it,
Marky Marc.

I got to get out of here.

I got a sold-out show at
Dr. Giggles in Carson city anyway.

Okay, you got to do
what you got to do.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
What?

Oh.

All right, okay.
That's it?

That's it.

So, Bobby, are we cool?

Yeah, we're cool, man.

No, I mean
with the joke thing.

Again with the joke?
It's just that, like,

in that moment, I thought
I thought of something,

and it turns out
I remembered it

and then I remembered
that too late

and now I can't
take it back forever.

Jesus Christ. Marc. You're killing
yourself with this thing.

I haven't done that bit
in years. You can have it.

No, I-I don't want the bit.

I just made a mistake, and
I just want to make it right.

We're square, all right?

You're killing yourself
with this thing.

Life's too short, man.

All right. Yeah, you're right.
You're right.

It's good seeing you, man.

And, hey, congrats
on the sobriety, all right?

Pussy. [Laughs]

All right.

I'll see you next time.
All right, take care.

Thanks, Bobby.

But it's weird --
when you make a mistake

and you admit to it,
honesty is horrendous.

Honesty is not the best policy.
You know why?

Because when you're honest,

you'll feel like shit
for at least a month.

[Laughter]
You know how people say,

like, "really, you just got
to get it off your chest"?

And then what? Beat the shit
out of myself for a year or two?

Exactly.

Even if the guy forgives you,
like, "it's okay, man."

You're like,
"no, don't worry. I got this.

"I will beat the shit out of myself and
punish myself for the rest of my life.

"I appreciate you
forgiving me,

but, uh, I'm just gonna integrate
my shame into my personality."

[Laughter]

I don't know
if I'm entertaining.

[Laughter]

Like, I think I'm compelling,

but I'm not sure I'm
everyone's idea of a night out.

You know what I mean?
Like if --

if you had paid for this show
and witnessed this,

like, would you leave, like, saying,
"that guy sucked"? I don't think so.

I think you'd probably leave saying,
like, "I hope that guy's okay."

[Laughter]

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0