All language subtitles for Maron s02e10 Radio Cowboy.eng

Heidi:
Now, Marc is going to be

at the Ice House in Pasadena
this Sunday.

And in addition to Marc
being a comic,

he is also the host
of a popular podcast.

Oh, hold on. There is no such
thing as a popular podcast.

Ooh! Zing!

Sorry, but actually, I got
a pretty good listener base.

And, you know,
I used to do radio,

but, uh, I prefer podcasting --
a lot more freedom.

Oh, so you prefer
not to make money.

That's like me preferring
to have a small penis.

Oh, by the way, if you do have
a small penis,

you might be eligible to see
Miley Cyrus in our contest --

"Teenie-weenie-Miley-go."

You can see the website
for details.

Yeah, I'd take a pay cut
not to have to say that.

Well, how do you
make money?

Do you have to drum up
your own advertisers?

Well, you know,
some of them come to me,

but basically, yeah.

Yeah, Heidi,
it's not like you can pull

butt-plug advertisers
out of your ass.

[ Creak! Pop!]

Well, at least I get to choose
my advertisers.

Who are you pretending
to believe in today --

a check-cashing place

or a website for dudes
who cheat on their wives?

Marc, let's get real.
Okay.

You do the show
out of your garage.

Well, it was my garage,
but now it's, uh --

[ lawnmower whirring]
"Hey, Jose, could you cut the front yard?

I'm trying to interview
Carrot Top."

Mm, that's cute.

[ Dog barking]

"Oh, the neighbor's dog got out
under the fence again.

I hope she doesn't run
into that garbage truck."

[ Truck beeping]

"Oh, I forgot to put my cans
out, Carrot Top. Do you mind?"

Yeah. You know what?

You guys can goof all you want,

but you're making fart noises
on the Titanic.

Do you think anybody
is entertained by this?

Maybe before
there were choices,

but you're losing listeners
every day.

This isn't interesting.
It's not engaging.

This is a hostage situation

for people who don't have
a smartphone.

And your format restrictions
are ridiculous.

Why do you feel compelled

to give out the time
every five minutes?

All cars have the time.

All computer screens
have the time on them.

There are clocks everywhere!

Yet -- yet -- yet,
with OCD-like precision,

you are compelled
to always give out the time.

It's horrendous.

[Sighs]

It's 8:25.

["The poisoned well" plays]

Marc. Ted Curtis.
I manage the station group.

Aw, hey, man.
Hey.

Sorry about what happened
in there.

I'm trying to manage
my anger,

but those two ought to be
ashamed of themselves.

No, no, no. You don't need
to apologize for that. That was great radio.

Ah, ah, look, I know
terrestrial radio isn't what it used to be.

I mean, I don't even listen
to it anymore.

I use audiobooks.
I'm learning Spanish in the car.

Yeah? How's that going?

Well, now I can flirt
with the cleaning lady.

Mm.
I just hope we don't have sex.

Hey. How about doing a show
for us?

Yeah, you know, I've been there.
I'm in no rush to get back.

Why would I do that?
I totally get that.

But just don't rule it out,
all right?

It could be a sort
of podcast/broadcast hybrid, you know?

And that would be in addition
to your own thing,

help build out your base.

Plus, you would get all
of our resources behind you,

which -- let me
tell you something --

will come in very handy
if you ever get sued.

All right, look,
I-I understand

that there are advantages
to a whore having a pimp.

You know, I get it.
Mm-hmm.

Uh, how about I think
about it,

and maybe I'll let you
put it in my ass?

[Laughs]

See, that's funny.
Okay.

That's funny. But that's
podcast only, all right?

Sure, man, yeah.
Okay. You know what?

We could call them
"Maron moments."

That would just drive people
to the website, right?

Maron moments.
Uh, right?

Yeah. O-okay, man.
Okay?

Yeah, I'll think about it.
All right, think about it.

It's good --
good talking to you. You too, man. Maron moments.

Take care. Yeah, Maron moments.
I hear you.

Jesus, man. This shit --
it's already coming together.

Maron moments.

So, are you gonna do it?
No.

I-I can't say
that I'm very tempted, Nate.

I wouldn't be either,
you know?

Radio's the past, man.
We are the future.

"We"?
Yeah. Podcasters.

Oh, okay.
Yeah.

I think the last episode
you put up was,

what, a year ago?
It's been like a year. [Sighs]

I mean,
it's been that quick. Yeah, you tired?

You exhausted?
Like -- yeah, that's why it's awesome.

'Cause you can do it
whenever you want. Yeah.

In radio, you have to show up
every day because they pay you.

You just encapsulated
what I hate about podcasting.

It's -- you got to --
you got to put them out, Nate.

You can't just do one a year.

You can when you do
a full episode like I do.

What's a full episode?
Six to eight hours.

Well, what's the point?
I mean, what do you -- what do you --

it's --
no one's gonna know it's there.

They don't know
when another one's coming. There's no consistency.

It's the surprise.
It's the surprise.

You can't -- you don't --
you're not selling tickets.

It's not helping you out
career-wise,

and you still got to
do, what, morning zoos

to sell the tickets.
Yeah. Yes.

That's -- I have to do
morning zoo to sell tickets.

Yeah.
That's the worst.

I know.
It's, like, a necessary evil.

It is. It is.
Yeah. It's awful.

Yeah, there's always
the -- the main guy,

and then there's
the laughing guy,

and then there's the baffled
and shocked woman.

It's like, "bah!
Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah! Bah-bah-bah!"

[Laughs]
"Oh, fellas."

There was this time
in Florida.

Florida.
It's already a good story.

I followed a guy that farted
the national anthem.

Oh, yeah.

And then,
there was another time

where I was a --
I kept score

while women threw plastic rings
on male strippers' dicks.

"Larry and the tractor."
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.
They do that every Friday. Yeah.

You know, the sad thing is is
that a lot of these guys are --

you know, they're, uh --
you know, they're real broadcasters.

They're professionals.

I don't -- no, they're not.
I don't think so.

No, they are! I mean, they've
been at it a long time.

I mean, they were doing those
shows when they had carts,

when they had to do
their own sound effects,

they can't curse, and they got
to keep a riff going.

They got to have
forward momentum, you know,

do the break,
hold the audience.

I mean,
it's impressive shit.

What's a cart?

You don't know
what a cart is?

No, I don't. I mean, don't take
this the wrong way.

Uh, I am several generations
younger than you.

Oh, okay.
Is that -- okay. Yeah.

But, yeah -- but you're
a redneck,

so a generation's, what,
10 years? What's it --

oh. Is that --
you're morning-zooing me?

Yeah.
'Cause that's what you're doing.

Man: They have the same answer
to everything. Spend --

# well, I'm never gonna stop
till I make it #

[ Man speaking Spanish]

Bill: You're basing your right
to urinate in a public pool

on the 1965
civil rights act?

Why?

Man: I don't think that
I should be castigated

because mine's pure.

I-I drink, as they say, uh,
distilled, boiled waters.

Um, I eat various purifying
and detoxifying fruits...

This guy's an idiot.
...And I do yoga,

and -- and I think the city of
Corona, California, is, uh --

is very much jealous
of the fact

that I have a pure pee,
or urine, or -- if you will. Unbelievable.

Woman: Who wants to be swimming
in a pool with their family

and have somebody else's urine
all over them?

It's like --
there's something wrong with you.

Ma'am, mine is just
like pure spring water.

I-I can't say --
Bill: Well, no, no.

You can't say that, sir,
because, as I mentioned,

you're -- even the body itself
has certain --

come on, this has got to be
a put-on.

No, mine -- it's not even --
you wouldn't even notice it.

Most of the people that live
in the Corona area

are mostly descendants
of -- of European Americans.

And yet, here's these babies

that are driving in
from out of the area.

And you know
what they're doing.

Woman #2:
To listen to this gentleman, you'd think that his wife

never had to wash
any underwear in her life.

Man #2: She wash it,
but she doesn't hang it

anywhere for people to see!
That's got to be an actress.

If you lost a dog, how else
you gonna get it home

but by hanging
your wife's underwear up? I don't understand.

Man #3: Put -- put -- like
everybody does -- put signs.

Put a sign up that says,
yeah, "my dog's missing."

Put signs.
Mm-hmm.

Put ads in the newspaper.
We've done that.

Man #4: Ah, that's the old way
of doing it.

That's the old way
of doing it.

That's -- we have rules against
that in our association.

[High-pitched voice]
Mr. Shepard, in conclusion,

the Warmington brothers
carpet cleaning company

will be informed
of your insolence. What?!

[Normal voice] Well, it
doesn't make any difference to me, Miss Dooley,

because the warmington brothers
are kicked off of my show

because their carpet
cleaning stinks, okay?

[High-pitched voice]
How dare you say something to me

like that, Mr. Shepard.

You think you have me
over a barrel?

[Deep voice] Don't
say "over a barrel," on account of the fact

he might take advantage
of you bent over.

[High-pitched voice]
God, what I wouldn't do if I had some ginsu knives.

[High-pitched voice] It's
something we do once a year.

Uh, we get very excited
about it.

Uh, we get
the, uh, liquid butter.

[Normal voice]
No, hold -- hold on.

I just want to be clear,
Miss Dooley.

You and your husband

are using liquid butter
in an intimate manner.

[High-pitched voice]
How dare you!

Oh, my g--
I shared this with you, Bill.

I told you in all confidence.

[Normal voice]
Well, we're on the radio.

We're talking to millions
of people.

[High-pitched voice]
You wish. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Bill.
That was --

[deep voice] [Laughs]
Billions -- millions of people.

[High-pitched voice]
I didn't say "Billions." I said "millions."

What a moron I'm married to,
but I love him.

[Normal voice] Because he
applies liquid butter to your --

excuse me
for saying this -- ass.

[High-pitched voice] You are
going to hear from an attorney.

That's it -- a lawyer.

Even as I tell you about --
all right -- anal sex.

[Normal voice]
I can't hear you, Miss Dooley.

[High-pitched voice]
I'm not gonna yell it.

[Normal voice]
Just turn your radios up out there, folks.

[High-pitched voice]
How dare you, Bill!

[Normal voice]
All right, thanks a lot.

I can't stomach
any more of that.

I'm sure you understand,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Miss Dooley.
Thank you, Mr. Dooley.

And thank you,
Bob's liquid butter.

All right,
George Noory is next --

enjoy it --
right here on KXBD.

That was amazing.

Bill Shepard.

Marc Maron.
Hey.

How you doing, man?
Good.

I-I just discovered you
last night,

and I'm like,
"I got to find this guy.

I got to watch this guy work."
Thanks for letting me in, man.

Yeah, Maron.
Air America, right?

Yeah, yeah, I was --

I was there
before it crashed and burned.

Yeah, I'm surprised
you heard of me. That's --

oh, well, I keep track of
everybody I'm jealous of.

Yeah, me too.
But I haven't been jealous of you in a while.

Yeah, well, the radio gig was
a very short chapter in my life.

I decided to move on in
a different career direction,

to, you know, just stop earning
a living altogether.

Well, it sounds like we got
the same life coach, man.

So, what are you up to now?

I'm doing a podcast, man.
A podcast.

Okay, so you do that
out of your closet.

Okay. Yeah.
Ah.

No, I -- actually, I do it
out of my garage. Uh-huh.

But I do know a couple guys
that do it out of their closet.

Look, we can skip the whole, uh,
patronizing radio-guy thing.

I-I think
you're a genius, man.

A genius?
Yeah.

You know what?

A few minutes ago,
I let you in here

thinking you were gonna put
a bullet in my head.

This must be my lucky day.
Let's go.

Okay, where?
Uh, my place.

No, no.
I don't want to impose. You're not gonna impose.

You're driving.
My wife has the car.

Oh, okay.
Yes.

Regular castle, ain't it?

This is what 40 years
in the business will get you.

Yeah, it's nice.

You know what?
You, sir, are a shitty liar.

Yeah, I've got two ex-wives
that have testified to that.

[Scoffs]

Surprise!
Surprise! Surprise!

[Cheers and applause]
You assholes!

What is it,
your birthday? No, I got fired.

What?!
Yeah.

So, the station
changed formats.

What is it
this time?

Oh, this time,
it's Korean news.

Oh.
Korean news, yeah.

I told them I could do
an Asian voice, but apparently,

they weren't interested
in a happy-endings masseuse

that does rubdowns
in the supermarket.

Hey, we've all been there
before.

Where, to a happy-endings
masseuse? Yeah.

No, fired.

We've all been fired multiple
times, podcast boy. Oh, man.

Okay, all right. Here we go.
What do you got?

Nothing personal,
but it's a podcast.

You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, mm-hmm.

I mean, really, what good is it
if it's not live?

Yeah.
Well, the -- the point is, you can make it a-a better show.

But how do you get rapport
with the audience?

How do you get people
to call in?

Yeah, he means, how do you get
laid without request lines?

Oh, that's easy.
You got Twitter. You got Facebook.

You just got to be
creative, man.

I'm a comic.

And when I used to do morning
radio shows to plug my gigs,

it didn't matter what town it
was in, what city, what state.

I just always was amazed

that the guy running that show
was so popular.

I mean, they always --
well, not always,

but most of the time, they just
seem like megalomaniacal idiots.

That's how I felt until I did
my own morning radio show.

Then I got it.

I mean, you got to be up
at 3:00 in the morning

to be on the air
at 6:00 in the morning.

You got a crew.
You get a momentum going.

You're going out live.

You're, like, leading the charge

of a bunch of people
in their cars,

trying to get to work,
trying to be entertained,

trying to change
their outlook.

It's all on you.

And that experience
just gave me

a whole new respect
for those guys and women.

They're pros, man.

And there -- there is nothing
like a radio show

clicking on all cylinders.

And -- and the day that I
learned how to own these mikes,

how to just talk solo,
how to just riff out alone,

that was a life-changer.

I mean, that was total freedom.

And that's what podcasting is.

It's not live, but it's great.

I created this thing called
the all-girl harmonica band...

Uh-huh.
...Looking for the ladies with the best licks.

Look out.
[Laughter]

Almost at the climax
of the audition... Yeah.

...I see this figure going by
the window in the studio,

and it's the general manager.

And he comes back, and he looks
right in the window,

and that's
when I was fired.

Oh, man.
Did you get to finish?

And at the end, I woke up
in a start,

and I-I run down, and I threw up
on my boss' shoe.

And that was --
so, fired.

For two weeks, I was able

just to ream the, uh --
the general --

wow.
The C.E.O. of the company,

every day, and I got all
the audience on my side,

and it didn't matter.

That's nothing.

I mean, you got the best shitty
"I got fired" stories, Bill.

Come on. Tell us your one
about Minneapolis.

Oh.
Jim: Oh, man, I don't know if he wants to talk about that.

Come on,
it's a great story.

Oh, it's okay.
I'll tell the story.

Uh, so, anyway, I'm doing
news talk in Minneapolis

about 15 years ago, and, uh,

I'm about six months
into this gig.

I'm about ready to qualify
for health insurance,

and, uh, Nancy finds a lump
in her breast.

Mm.
So, yeah, I mean,

you know, we're anxious
to get it looked at.

The station group brings in this
25-year-old tool with an mba

to freshen up the lineup.

So I get fired.
I get the ax, right? Jim: Mm.

Two days before I'm gonna
get my health insurance, I get fired.

All right, I'm a proud guy, but
I go into this guy's office,

and I beg this guy
for a weekend,

for a fill-in --
anything, right?

And this dick says to me,

"uh, that wouldn't be in the
best interest of the company."

Come on. Come on. Wow.
That sucks.

Anyway, Nancy's okay --
God bless.

I mean, uh, we had to pay for
all that shit out of pocket.

We had to file for bankruptcy,
just now getting my credit back.

I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, that's bad.

But her new tits
are stellar.

Oh, dear God.
[Laughter]

Now, if her ass gets
a little bit of cancer...

You'd be all set?
...You're all invited over.

You guys!
You're so foul!

I was sticking up for you,
of course.

Oh, of course.
Yeah, so...

Okay, this is it for me.
I am going to bed.

There you go.
All right, darling.

I love you. Thank you, Nancy.
Thank you, honey.

Good night, my sweetheart.
I love you. I love you, baby.

Good night.
It's nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.
Good night, baby.

Whoa.
Yeah, walk careful up the stairs, there, honey.

Whoa.
Be careful tonight.

Wow.
Yeah. That was fun.

Yeah, yeah.
You guys do that a lot?

Well, we get together
every so often.

It's fun until it gets
depressing, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Marc, listen,
the shit those guys

were giving you about
podcasting, man, don't take it personally.

I mean, we know that
podcasting's the future, you know?

We just don't understand it.

Hey, I-I'm not sure
I understand it.

No, man, I admire
what you're doing, man.

You're a pioneer, okay?

I mean, in my day,
we were cowboys, all right?

But we needed
to have a rancher, man.

We needed some big, fat rich guy
who owned a spread.

You are a lone ranger, okay?
You control your own destiny.

We couldn't do that.

So, wait, am I a pioneer,
or am I the lone ranger,

'cause either way, you got
to update your metaphors. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm trying to give you
a compliment, captain Internet.

Oh, that's good.
That's at least current.

All right.
I can understand that. Yeah.

Wow, man, you've had more looks
than I've had.

Yeah, none of them
worked, either.

[Laughs]
Yeah.

So, what's next
for you, man?

Oh, well, something
will come along.

You know, radio's not gonna
completely die.

I'll -- I'll find
another station,

you know, pack up, move along
to the next chapter of my life.

Sounds like you got a pretty
good attitude about it.

Well, I mean,
what am I gonna do, man?

You know, I mean,
this is the life.

You know, it's not that
I'm not a little jealous.

I mean, you're, uh --
you're self-employed.

You know, you don't have
to wonder

whether you work
for an asshole.

You already know,
you know?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, I just thought
of something.

I don't know if you'd be
interested in this,

but there's a guy over
at Mountain peak broadcasting.

He wants me
to do a show for him.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

So, what do you say we go
in there and pitch an idea

for a show for us
to do together?

Yeah, who's the guy?

Guy's name is,
uh, Ted Curtis.

He says he's open
to anything.

Ted Curtis.

Yeah. I mean, he sounds
like an idiot.

Count me in.

All right.
It'll be fun, man.

Yeah.
I can learn from you.

I'm gonna try to work
this out.

Well, I'm -- I'm really
looking forward to this.

Okay.

Okay, so, how do you want
to handle the pitch?

You want me to introduce
you, and then you bring up the voices,

or do you want
to just slip into one?

That sounds good.

Which one?
Yeah. Either one.

All right, well, don't forget to
do the woman from Santa Monica

who's trying to get her son
into acting class.

[High-pitched voice]
Yes, that's Margaret Grey. It's Jason Jay Delmonico.

Learn it now because he
has over a thousand hits on his YouTube video.

They're gonna give him
his own channel. [Laughs] Yeah.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

One direction's
down the hall.

I had to get my girlfriend
an autograph.

She's Italian.

Oh, yeah, I get it.
Yeah.

I knew you would.
All right.

Bill Shepard?
Yes. Ted Curtis.

Yeah, yeah.
How you doing?

I haven't seen you
since Minneapolis.

Oh, you guys
know each other?

Well --
oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is the son of a bitch
that ruined my life.

What?! Jesus Christ, man!
What are you doing?! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, what the hell,
man?!

Oh! Do something! Oh!

[Grunting]

One for my wife!
One for my daughter! One for me!

One for
the broadcasting company!

One for the neighborhood
association!

One for my pet!
One for the town!

You're deranged.
You know that?

You were always
a mental case.

Officer, this man's making me
feel very unsafe.

You set me up,
you piece of shit.

I didn't know
he was gonna do that. I tried to stop him.

In my mind,
I tried to stop him.

Hey, why you got to be
so rough?

Just take it easy.

You're done in radio!

Everyone's done in radio!

In a famous letter
to president Andrew Jackson,

written by Martin Van Buren,

who was then governor
of New York,

he urged Jackson to stop
the spread of the railroads

because he thought it threatened
the nation's canal systems --

you know, the canal systems

that we all rely upon every day
to get to work and everything.

I'll get to my point.

Let me -- let me quote
from the letter --

"captains, cooks, drivers,
hostlers --"

I-I don't know what that is.

I don't want to offend
any hostlers,

but I don't know
what that is.

"Repairmen, and lock tenders

"will be left without means
of livelihood,

"not to mention
the numerous farmers

now employed in growing hay
for the horses."

Where am I going with this?
I'll explain it to you.

Here come the railroads.

"As for the railroads," he said,

"the almighty
certainly never intended

that people should travel
at such breakneck speed."

"Breakneck speed."

You know what speed
he was talking about? 15 miles an hour.

That's life.

Progress. That's progress.

The pony express went away,
bookstores,

pay phones, playboy.

They went away. Change happens.

Some people are uncomfortable
with it.

Some people are incapable
of it.

But the sad thing is
is that some great people

get left behind,
like Tom from MySpace.

I mean, I think he's
the only guy there now, right?

That's got to be right.

Well, you get my point.

[Laughs]
Nice rap.

[Laughs]
Thanks, friend.

So, basically,
what I do now is,

I merge that with the interview,
cut them together,

throw a few ads in there,

and then upload it
to the server.

And then it's out there, man.
It's out in the world.

I mean, it's easy.
You can do this.

Yeah, you know what?

I appreciate you trying
to teach me, man.

But, I mean, I don't --
uh, I don't twit.

You know,
I don't facepage.

I mean, I don't -- I don't --
yeah, I don't stream.

Yeah.
Unless I'm peeing.

Got it.
You know, but I -- I don't --

podcasting ain't me.

You know, I think I got to --
I got to do it live.

Yeah.
Yeah, I figured that.

Hey.

Salud, brother.

Yes, sir.
Appreciate it.

[Sighs]

[Burps]
Nice.

We're not on the air,
are we?

Oh.
You're never on the air.

All right, radio guy.

So, Montana, huh?
Yeah, yeah, big sky state.

My wife's
got family up there.

It's gonna be great, man.
I'm gonna love it, you know?

Could be worse.
I could be a right-wing talker in Pittsburgh.

Yeah, that's true.
You know?

So, you're not, uh -- you're not
pissed off about it at all?

No, not at all, man. I mean,
this is the life, you know?

Mm-hmm.
I mean, uh, uh, look.

I've done this dozens
of times.

I'm doing exactly
what I want to do.

How many guys can say
they're doing that?

That's true.
That's true, man.

Mm. Yeah.
I'm gonna send you a postcard.

Okay, you can send me
a postcard. Real soon.

You know,
they have e-mail now.

You just -- you get
on the computer and --

you know how that --
oh, yeah!

A guy told me about that.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. He looks
a little bit like you.

Uh-huh. Yeah, okay.
All right. I get it.

Hey, be -- be safe.

I love you, man.
Thank you.

Love you, too, buddy.
All right, buddy. Cheers.

Let's get out of here.

I don't even know
where we're going.

And it's Bill Shepard
back here.

You have some, uh, uh,
masochistic thing

where you're having people
take turkey basters,

put them up their rear ends,
and squeeze hot grease up there.

[Altered voice] This is called
"ass basting for peace."

You can purchase
our turkey baster for $75.

It is designed to accommodate
hot grease up to 600 degrees,

and we have sizes from jumbo
to extra-slender.

[High-pitched voice]
You're -- you're psycho. You're -- you're nuts.

[Altered voice]
Why am I psycho? Why am I psycho?

[High-pitched voice] Let me --
you know what? The truth is --

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