All language subtitles for Maron s02e09 Yoga Teacher.eng

What the hell?

[Cellphone rings]

[Groans]

[Cellphone beeps]
Hello?

Hey, why is
everyone on Twitter

saying the new episode
hasn't been posted yet?

That is odd.
Oh, really?

Is it odd
or are you fired?

You didn't post
the new episode!

Look, I-I swear, I was --
I was -- I was

just about to do it last night
when I had

this huge breakthrough
on my screenplay.

You don't want to hear that.
Sorry.

I'll, um -- I'll do it now
and be right over.

Yeah, I'd appreciate that.

[Sighs]

Wait. Why is Rachael Harris
in my backyard?

That was supposed to be
at 8:00 P.M.

Can't talk now. Uh, trying
to get the podcast up.

You're dead to me.
Bye-bye.

["The poisoned well" plays]

Wait.
So the guy just dumped you?

Yep. An hour
before the prom.

Hmm.
Um, and then there was the guy who ruined my credit.

Uh, then after that,

there was the guy that I put
through realtor school...

Mm-hmm.
...Who paid me back by stealing my car.

Nice. Yeah.
Awesome.

And then there was a smattering
of alcoholics...

Mm-hmm.
...The coke head, the pothead, and the sex addict.

Good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've had the full spectrum
of assholes.

Well, you know, oddly,
I think I'm at least three of those assholes.

Yes, of course.

What --
why do you say that?

Because I can feel it.
I can just tell. What?

How do you -- how?
Let me guess -- let me guess.

Um, you were also an asshole
of the angry variety.

Wait. How do you know?

Because some part of me
wants to give up

my entire sense of self
to make you feel better.

Aww, that sounds
like love.

Maybe we should get married.
That'll help.

Uh, nope.
I've been to that party. Mm.

But seriously, Marc, you are
too old and sober

to still be
an angry asshole. Wait, w-wait a minute.

Now, I'm not as bad
as I used to be, okay?

I've been through
enough relationships

that I've ruined...
Mm-hmm.

...to have at least gleaned
some wisdom. Right.

Uh, the whole rage thing
at 50 is unattractive

because, uh, literally,
in the middle of fights, I have to take a break.

That's cute. But still,
that's a huge problem, Marc.

What are you
doing about it?

W-w-what did you do
about it?

Therapy.
Yeah, check. Doing that.

Uh, support groups.
Uh, check. Sometimes.

Medication?
No. Scared of it. Don't want to lose my edge.

Oh, wow. You won't.
That's sad.

Um, exercise?
On hiatus.

Wow. Yoga!

Yoga kicks ass.
Do you -- have you ever done it?

Yeah, I have a yoga mat
in the attic.

I've been in a class
for, like, a year,

and, um, the teacher,
Jeremy, is great.

Mm-hmm.

You know, it's sort of a shame
you got your shit together

'cause I-I think we -- we'd be
perfect for each other.

[Sighs]
I know. I know.

But in a bad way.

Oh, in a really good,
hot, bad way.

Stop it.
I will not stop.

You need to stop it.
Make me.

[Camera beeps]
Okay, cool.

Hey, that was fun.
I love talking to you.

You know what? Framing could
actually be a little bit better.

Why don't I take a few mulligans
and just make sure we get --

it's fine, Kyle.
Are you sure?

'Cause, you know, I don't want
you to see the picture later

and think
you look all puffy,

not that you could
ever look puffy.

You're, you know, young and
very -- please don't yell at me.

[Sighs]

I-I'm not gonna --
not gonna yell at you.

It's...

No.
Uh...

All right, let me just walk you
out to the car. Okay.

Okay.

Hey, you want to grab a bite
or something sometime?

Yeah. Maybe. No.

I-I just don't think
it's the best idea.

You know, considering our pasts,
it could be dangerous.

I know.

How's tomorrow night?
Is that good? Would that...

[Laughs]

You know, I was serious
about the yoga thing.

You want to come with me?

The teacher's amazing.

He helped me
get through my divorce

and a breakup
with my agent.

Yoga, huh?
I don't know.

Come on, Marc,
it'll be fun and -- and low-key,

which is kind of the gear
that I'm operating in right now.

Maybe 9:00 A.M.
tomorrow morning?

I'll e-mail you
the details.

All right. Sure. I'm in.
Okay.

Let's do it.
Looking forward to it.

Good. You won't regret it.
[Engine turns over]

Want me to schedule that
in your calendar?

No. I want it
to actually happen.

I'm so glad you're here.

It's gonna be so fun
to have a yoga buddy.

Yeah, I'm not staying.

I just came to see you
in spandex. I'm going now.

I'm gonna go.
Ha, no, Marc. Come on.

Come on.
Let's put our mats up front.

I want to be near
the teacher.

[Sighs] Okay.

Namaste, everyone.

I am Jeremy,
and you are ready to breathe.

Oh, this is not -- let's
just drop those shoulders.

Oh, good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

Love the ponytail.

There's my favorite yogini.
Hey. How are you?

Hey. Hi, Jeremy.
This is my friend, Marc.

Hey, my friend Marc.
How are you, brother?

Hey.
Great to see you.

Good, man.
Hey, we have a new student, everyone.

This is great.
This is great.

I'll take it easy on you.

That's okay, man.
I got this.

Well, don't got cocky.

That's how newbies pull a muscle
on their first day. Okay.

We don't want to have
to carry you out of here in front of everybody.

Feet together.
Let's reach up high.

Twinkle those fingers
for a playful intention,

and breathing out.

Come on down. Mm.

Make it yummy, guys.

You were so raw and vulnerable
today in class,

like a little baby Fawn
learning to walk. Wow.

It was really attractive.

Oh, come on.
Mm-hmm.

If you thought what happened
back there was attractive,

you really are damaged.
[Chuckles]

No, you were just
falling behind because it was your first time.

Yeah, and it was nice
of the teacher

to remind the class of that
every 10 minutes.

That was -- that was good.

Jeremy just didn't want you
to get burned out.

Oh, is that what it was?
Okay. Yeah.

Let me guess -- coconut kale
with a soy protein boost.

Ah, you know me so well.

Um, beets, berries,
and wheatgrass.

You're amazing.
Sip swap?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Good.
Here.

[Chuckles]
Oh.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.

That's really yummy.
Mm-hmm.

Hey, man.
Hey.

Hope we didn't go too hard
on you in there today.

No, no.
It was a good little workout.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Cool. Next time we'll work
on your breathing --

you know, slow,
meditative breaths

instead of that [Gasping]
gasping that you were doing.

Yeah.
Yeah, that's good to know, man.

Yeah.
So, w-what is your background?

Background?

Yeah, I mean, I got to assume
no kid thinks, like,

"I'm gonna be a yoga teacher
when I grow up," right?

[Chuckles]
Well, Marc, I-I do have a background in the arts,

but I found that pursuit
to be too much

about me, me, me,
you know.

Mm.
So I wanted to do something else,

and that journey led me
to the practice of yoga.

Wow. That's so awesome.
Hmm.

Yeah. Yoga. Yeah.
Hmm.

Well, I guess lucky for us

that whole arts thing
didn't pan out, huh?

Hey, Rachael, I'll see you
tomorrow, okay? Rachael: Okay.

You gonna make it, or you need
a day to recover, or...

No, I'm looking forward
to it.

Great. I'm looking forward
to it, too. Okay, Jeremy.

You guys have
a great day.

Yeah, you, too.
Okay.

One last chaturanga.
Let's hold it.

Hold it, and exhale.
Come on down.

Just relax.

Let's roll over for everybody's
favorite -- happy baby.

You guys did great.

On your backs.

Okay, ankles in the air.
Hands on your ankles.

Wow.
Your form is phenomenal.

You have come so far.

I am so proud of you.

Okay, Marc, you got to release
your tailbone to the floor.

See if you can lengthen
that spine, buddy.

I am doing it.
No, you're not.

Let me just --
I am.

Let me just adjust you
and release some of that anger.

Here.
No, no. No, you don't have to. Don't.

Shh. It's okay.
I can't. Don't.

It's okay. Let's just relax.

Shh.
Hey, come on.

My legs won't go
any further back.

Yes, they will.
Oh, God.

Hold it.
[Grunts]

I c--
hold it.

Shh.
Oh, no. I can't.

Just relax. Here we go.
Let's do another one.

I'm -- I'm good.
I'm good.

[Groans, farts]

[Sighs]

Oopsie.

I really think you're
making too big a deal out of this, Marc.

I take tai chi with my grandma,
and that class is fart city.

Maybe no one noticed.

[Sighs] I couldn't even
look Rachael in the eye after class.

That guy
is such an asshole.

Look, it could have been worse.
You could've sharted.

Wait. You didn't shart,
did you? [Cellphone buzzing]

Oh, see? It's Rachael.

She already left
one message

asking me to meet her
in class.

Shit. I don't want to go back
to the scene of the crime.

Come on.
You like this woman, right?

Don't let one little lapse
in flatulary control ruin that.

There you go.

Hey, you.
How's it going?

[Sighs]

Hey, yoga buddy.

Hi.
Hi.

You ready
to get limber?

Yeah, I was born
to get limber.

[Chuckles]
Good.

I'm just gonna go run
and get a yoga block.

Okay.

[Sighs]

Hi, toots.

God damn it.

Marc, you okay?

No. I tweaked my back
unrolling the mat.

Stupid.
I got to...Yeah, ow.

See? Yeah.
Oh.

I'll call you later.
You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.
You okay?

Marc.
What?

Jeremy: Hey, Rachael,
you with us?

Yeah.
Okay.

Marc: God, I felt myself
starting to blow,

and I had to get
out of there

before I strangled him
with his own spandex.

Getting angry is not gonna win
you Rachael, Marc.

And neither
is sitting here festering.

What you need to do
is deep-Google him.

Yeah? What do you think
you're gonna find?

Old Nazi photos
on a MySpace page?

Wait for it.
And...Boom.

Did you know
that Jeremy's stage name

is j.T. Emmet vance?

What?

All that bullshit about yoga
being his calling.

He -- he's just another
out-of-work actor.

Hmm.
Initials and a middle name.

That's edgy.

Look at that.

He's workshopping
his one-man show "daddy issues"

in noho
on Tuesday night.

Terrible.

Worse than terrible.

We're going.

All right, date night.

Guys' night.

Spiders.

Hey, knock it off, you guys.

Bullies. Darkness.

Monsters...Under the bed.

All of these things scared me
when I was a child.

But none scared me more
than the man that I called...

Papa?

[ Baby cries]

Those little boy's sobs --
they're mine.

But let's back up.

The year was 1978,
and I had a pet rabbit.

[Snickers]

I say "had"
because my father killed him.

Not really,
but metaphorically.

He shamed me because he said
rabbits were pussy pets.

It's horrific.

It's like a car crash falling
onto a train wreck.

I know. It's the best
seven bucks I ever spent.

Hi, sorry.
Intermission is over.

Do you want
to take your seats,

or do you just want
to go?

What do you mean?

Probably best
just to put the poor guy

out of his misery,
right?

No. No. No.

Please don't make me
go back in there.

Yes. Yes.

It's a cautionary tale,
Kyle.

This is so bad,
it's great.

See you later.

Hey, hey.
You're my ride.

Sorry!
[ Bell chiming]

[Sighs]

You always wanted a girl,
and I was so scared,

but now I can
finally tell you, dad.

I love you.

[Chuckles]

Oopsie.

Yeah, well, I hope you had
a good laugh, man.

Hope you had
a really good laugh.

[Sighs]

Hey, man.

Hey.

I'm sorry.

You want to go get a drink
or some coffee or something?

Um...Yeah, okay.

Want me to carry
the tricycle?

Yeah, but be careful.

I have to get it back
to the prop house.

[Grunts]

God, I still cannot believe
what an abortion that was.

You got to, you know,
give yourself a break here. You know, theater's tough.

In college,
my roommates and I

put on "waiting for godot"
in space.

Who am I kidding? I'm just
a freaking yoga teacher.

I don't have any talent.

Hey, listen to me.
I don't want to overstep.

But I do know more about you
than I really wanted to,

and -- and I think that's
your -- that's your dad talking.

Here, let me get --
sorry.

Sorry, sorry. Man down.
I'm sorry. Sorry, dude. Sorry, sorry.

Hey, man,
are you okay to drive?

Yeah, I think so.
You think so?

[Sighs]
Ugh, where did I park?

God damn it!

Is my life getting more pathetic
right now?

Oh, come on, man.

You've got a classroom
full of people

that think you're a rock star.

I mean, honestly, I was a little
intimidated that first day.

Yeah, well,
sucks for you, man.

What are -- what --
what are you doing, man? We're out in public.

Put that shit away.
No.

Oh, this is spectacular.
[Snorts]

You're a blow monkey, too.

The incans used
to chew Coca leaves

to achieve
a higher plane.

Mm-hmm.
This way's quicker.

Mm-hmm.
You want?

No, dude. That shit's behind me.
Put it away, all right?

[Car beeps]
Ooh! There she is, the silver bullet.

All right, well, why don't you
just give me your keys?

But I-I got a --
I need them.

Let's go.
[Chuckles] Here we go.

[Chuckles]

[Snorts]

Just give me
the damn keys, man.

Oh, hot shit. Pussy.
God damn.

All right, this -- this is
really too pathetic now.

Oh, I'm pathetic, huh?
Yeah, yeah.

My students don't think so.
[Sighs]

They think
I'm a freaking God, man.

Mm-hmm.

You know I've slept
with over half the class?

Uh-huh.
Including the men.

Well, that part's
not hard to believe.

You know those --
those goddess poses we do? Yeah.

Those are specifically designed
to strengthen

my students' vaginal
and anal muscles. What?

It's like I'm building them up,
you know? Uh-huh.

Tailor made
for my own pleasure. Okay.

It's like I'm a carpenter
for vaginas --

and butt holes sometimes.

Yeah, I-I don't think you know
what you're saying right now.

I can also make myself ejaculate
on command.

Please, please don't.

[Grunts]

Hot shit. Pussy.
God damn.

[Panting]

Okay. All right.

God, would you just -- just give
me the keys, please?

Wait. Y-you haven't slept
with Rachael, have you?

No. No. Not yet.
She's my newest student.

I want her to get
the Jeremy treatment

before she gets
the Jeremy treatment.

Oh.
Here. Take, uh, lankershim to the 101.

I'm off Vermont.
[Grunts]

Let's get some NPR
in this bitch, huh?

Kyle: Wow.

So, he didn't touch himself
at all?

That's not the point.

The point is, Rachael has
no idea about any of this,

and I have to tell her
this guy's a delusional lunatic.

That's a lot of bad news
for Rachael

to swallow
about her mentor.

You've got
the upper hand, Marc.

Don't blow it by coming off
as an angry, calculating dick.

Pretend you're
someone else.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should get
on solid ground with Rachael

before I totally blow
her world apart.

That means I have to go
back to yoga class,

which isn't great,
but it --

w-what's happening now?

What are you doing?

Mm, uh, are you sure
he wasn't,

like, rubbing up against
something or something?

I don't need to see that.

Do it -- go to the bathroom
or something.

Yeah, all right.
No, on your own time.

On your own time.

Hey, are you sure
your back's okay?

You ran out of here
so quickly last time.

Yeah, I do. I feel a lot better.
It's a lot better.

Good.
Hey, you think after class, maybe we could hang out

and have some dinner
that we don't have to suck through a straw?

Are you asking me to move
into the post-smoothie phase of the relationship?

[Chuckles] Yeah.
I think I am, Rachael.

I think that's
what's happening here.

Oh. Yeah.
I think I would like that.

[ Soft music plays]

Jeremy: Namaste, class.

I am Jeremy, and you
are ready to breathe.

Let's start
in tadasana Mountain pose.

Oh, and welcome back, Marc.
Did you have a good weekend?

I did, j.T.
Did you?

Oh, I had
a really good weekend.

Yeah, I do community outreach
class in watts.

I tell you, I think I learn
more than those kids do.

Breathing out.
So cool.

And let's go down
into our first goddess pose.

Great, yeah.
Legs wide, Rachael.

Real nice. Mm-hmm.

Here.
Feel that burn?

Oh, uh, yeah. It burns.

Jesus Christ, man.

Hey, I'm just adjusting
her lower chakras.

That's great. Real good.

Okay, everyone.
And come on up.

And then let's get on our backs
and come into happy baby pose.

Yeah. Right.
And don't worry, Marc.

Rachael's not the only one
getting special attention today.

I don't need any, man.

Well, I just want to help
readjust and get in here,

since you're --
no, dude! I said no!

Whoa.

Marc,
what is your problem?

He's afraid
he's gonna toot.

No, that's not
the problem, man.

The problem is
your yoga instructor's

a delusional sociopath.

Tell them about last night.

Jeremy: Look, I don't know
what this is about,

but can we please powwow
about it after class?

I tracked him down
to his one-man show.

He's an actor.
Do you know he's an actor?

So what? And, Marc,
why were you there?

That's not the point.

The point is your guru was doing
blow off a key, all right?

And he said that half
of these positions --

more than half of them --

are to tighten your vaginas
for his use.

Do you understand?
Tighten your vaginas.

And your assholes, fellas.
That's what he said.

He said that.

Think about it.
That's that guy.

Jeremy: Class, it's okay.

Sometimes these poses

stir up a lot of emotions
in older people.

No. No, that's not it.

Rachael, he said you're next.
How's that grab you? Huh?

Okay, Marc, I don't know
what all this is about, but you're scaring me.

Oh, come on, Rachael!

You're scaring
all of us, Marc.

Please roll up your mat
and go.

Would you -- would you
just come outside with me

and -- and let me explain
what's going on?

Oh, I'm the crazy one?
I'm the crazy one?

All right, well, fine,
you're all --

you're all the ones
with tight vaginas.

That didn't come out right.

Oh, see this guy?

Ah, you've already --
yeah.

It already happened, huh?

I'm sorry, fella.
You'll be all right.

So, I'm five minutes
into the movie

when it becomes clear
that it is

the exact same idea
as one of my screenplays.

Oh, okay,
so you're saying

Paul Thomas Anderson
stole your idea.

Exactly.
Uh-huh.

The question is how.
Right, okay.

Believe me,
if I find out,

there will be blood.
Oh, are you kidding me?

Marc: Seriously?
[Sighs] Hey, Marc.

Marc's friend.

Yeah, yeah.
Hey, you two.

Hey, Marc. Let's not make this
awkward, okay?

Mm-hmm.
I mean, more awkward.

You know, actually,
I'm glad that --

that, uh,
we bumped into you.

Can we have a second?
Uh, sure. Sure.

I have stuff to do.

How's it going, man?

Yeah?
Hey.

Hi.
Hi.

I wanted to apologize
to you.

What? For -- for what?

Having really terrible taste
in men?

[Chuckles]
No. No.

For misleading you
during our flirty stage,

and...For misleading myself,
quite frankly.

Jeremy came clean,

and you were right
about everything, obviously.

Really?
Well, thank God.

Why are you still with him?

Because he's --
you know, he's --

he's getting help
and working on himself.

He's really trying
to change.

All right, look, you know
that he was in my car, coked up,

talking about making you all
into a harem of tight pussies.

Mine's pretty tight
already.

[Sighs]

No, honestly, honestly, God,
I thought I'd changed,

but I'm still attracted
to really screwed-up guys.

Take it as a compliment?

All right, okay.
Okay.

Let's go, ray-ray.
Excuse me.

Okay.

[Sighs]

You want to go to oinkster's
and split a sandwich?

What are you doing?

Damn it!
I was so close.

Oh, man. Come on.

[Sighs]

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