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1
00:00:01,067 --> 00:00:03,335
[ Sighs ]
Do I bring the jacket?
2
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:04,536
Do I not bring the jacket?
Is it hot in lubbock?
3
00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:05,637
Well, that really depends.
4
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:07,339
I mean, like,
is it raining there?
5
00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:08,974
Because that could
make it humid.
6
00:00:08,976 --> 00:00:11,010
Also, like, at night,
it gets cold sometimes.
7
00:00:11,012 --> 00:00:12,978
But then in the daytime,
if the sun's out --
8
00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:14,546
you know, there's
a lot of variables.
9
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:16,048
Why'd I say yes to this?
10
00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:17,483
Because they're
paying you money.
11
00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:19,351
I got nothing.
I'm sick of my material.
12
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:21,553
I don't even have a germ
of a new bit, all right?
13
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,622
I'm doing the same jokes
over and over again.
14
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,624
It's horrendous.
I don't know how you do it.
15
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:27,493
Well, what can I say?
It's a gift.
16
00:00:27,495 --> 00:00:29,328
You know tom papa?
Of course.
17
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,230
He just sits down
with a notebook. He writes jokes.
18
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:32,664
And a lot of them
are good jokes.
19
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:34,066
He writes them down.
20
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:35,200
Why can't I just
write them down?
21
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:36,969
Lubbock, Texas --
22
00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:38,537
that's not where they're
expecting the freshest material,
23
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:39,972
so don't worry about it.
24
00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:41,306
Who dropped out?
Bob Nelson.
25
00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:43,075
I didn't know
he still did comedy.
26
00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:44,376
Yeah, he still
does comedy.
27
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,345
I'm the guy they call
to fill in for guys
28
00:00:46,347 --> 00:00:48,313
who everyone thinks
stopped doing comedy.
29
00:00:48,315 --> 00:00:49,648
I thought that was me.
30
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:51,417
You know, I worked that club
a few years ago,
31
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:55,187
and they have one good hotel
in town, and it's horrible.
32
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:56,722
Not helping.
You're not helping, Andy.
33
00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:58,590
Well, at least they called you
before they called me.
34
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,225
[ Sighs ]
35
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:02,327
Maybe I can write
some material on the plane.
36
00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:04,063
How about new
plane material?
37
00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:05,564
"What -- hey,
you notice now
38
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,666
"that you have to pay
for your own bags?
39
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:10,202
In the old days, they would --"
ah, maybe not.
40
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,071
Let me ask you
something. Yeah.
41
00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:14,440
Do you sometimes just talk
to hear yourself talk?
42
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:17,543
Mostly. I didn't even know
you were still in the room.
43
00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:20,279
[ "The poisoned well" plays ]
44
00:01:22,348 --> 00:01:24,683
Won't fall for it
45
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:27,286
You can't see
46
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:29,521
And you can't tell
47
00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:35,327
I just can't drink
from the poisoned well
48
00:01:36,296 --> 00:01:39,064
What's your name?
Brandon? Yeah.
49
00:01:39,066 --> 00:01:40,199
Brandon, thanks
for picking me up.
50
00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:41,533
Yeah.
No, that's the deal.
51
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,035
I drive you around
all weekend.
52
00:01:43,037 --> 00:01:44,369
I get to open for you.
53
00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:46,305
I'll grease up the pig,
you get to bang it.
54
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:48,373
Never heard
that saying before.
55
00:01:48,375 --> 00:01:49,575
That's 'cause it's mine.
56
00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:51,043
I'm working on
a book of sayings.
57
00:01:51,045 --> 00:01:53,579
Oh, yeah?
You got more?
58
00:01:53,581 --> 00:01:55,047
Yeah. There's, uh...
59
00:01:55,049 --> 00:01:57,149
Shut your hole!
60
00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:58,450
What?
That's not yours.
61
00:01:58,452 --> 00:01:59,651
Yeah, it is.
62
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,053
No, it's not.
63
00:02:01,055 --> 00:02:03,222
Yeah, it is.
64
00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:07,326
[ Engine cranking ]
65
00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:08,727
Oh, man.
[ Engine turns over ]
66
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,596
I just remembered
I forgot my phone at I.A.X.
67
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:12,598
That's so stupid.
I've never done that before.
68
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,166
Oh, that sucks.
I know.
69
00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:16,235
I left a phone at a gig
one time, though,
70
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:18,504
and I wound up writing
a whole new hour, so...
71
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:20,305
Yeah? About
losing your phone?
72
00:02:21,441 --> 00:02:23,575
No. I should have
thought of that.
73
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:24,710
It was about aids.
74
00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:27,446
Hey, would you mind
listening to my act
75
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:28,747
and giving me
some feedback on it?
76
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,516
Yeah, sure.
No problem.
77
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:33,085
Awesome. I recorded
this last month.
78
00:02:33,087 --> 00:02:34,586
Wait, now?
Yeah.
79
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:35,687
I'm starving, man.
80
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,089
Can we get
something to eat?
81
00:02:37,091 --> 00:02:38,257
I already ate.
82
00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:40,526
What's the story
with this?
83
00:02:40,528 --> 00:02:42,661
That's -- Henry Cho
left those here last week.
84
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,630
You can have them.
I don't like licorice.
85
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:46,565
[ Stereo beeping ]
86
00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:50,769
Brandon: Hey, let me askyou guys a question.
87
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:52,538
What is up with toast?
88
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:54,506
Why is it called "toast"?
89
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:55,807
That's bullshit.
90
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:58,177
It's hot, hard bread.
91
00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,812
We don't heat up other foodsand change the name.
92
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:03,749
We don't heat up oatmealand call it "glop."
93
00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:07,152
Did you record that
at a club?
94
00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:09,488
No, I just did it
on my computer.
95
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,557
Why would you play a recording
of you talking?
96
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:14,126
Whatever.
"Glop" works.
97
00:03:14,128 --> 00:03:15,694
"Glop" is already a word.
98
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,529
No, it's not.
Yeah, it is.
99
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,797
No, it isn't.
100
00:03:23,369 --> 00:03:24,636
Hey.
101
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:25,837
Yes?
102
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:28,173
I'm checking in.
Maron.
103
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:30,509
[ Sighs ]
104
00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:32,678
Maron. Okay.
105
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,346
I see your room
is being paid for
106
00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:36,315
by Uncle morty's
ha ha room.
107
00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:37,683
Congrats on that.
108
00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:40,485
And I'll just need a credit card
for incidentals.
109
00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:44,456
You know,
for your, uh, porn.
110
00:03:51,331 --> 00:03:53,732
All right, your room's
on the first floor in the back,
111
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:57,336
and fyi, there's
a 24-hour waffle bar.
112
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,338
What does that even mean?
113
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,606
Waffles.
114
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:03,442
It's always open,
24 hours a day.
115
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:04,876
Where is it?
116
00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,979
Over there.
117
00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:15,220
That's crazy.
118
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:17,756
No, it's not.
119
00:04:25,732 --> 00:04:27,799
[ Sighs ]
120
00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:00,732
Hi.
121
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,734
Hey.
122
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:05,304
Sit down, friend.
You got a little time.
123
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:12,911
I'm murph.
124
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:14,980
Hey, murph.
I'm Marc.
125
00:05:16,449 --> 00:05:18,984
I'm one of those people
who can eat waffles all day
126
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,519
and not gain an ounce.
127
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,821
Good for you.
128
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,257
Lot of people think
it's about metabolism,
129
00:05:25,259 --> 00:05:26,491
but it's not.
130
00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:29,995
It's all in your mind.
131
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,631
I can control my metabolism
with my mind.
132
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:35,367
The mind is very powerful.
133
00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:36,935
Wow, that's pretty good.
134
00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:40,706
I can, uh, rationalize and make
things worse simultaneously.
135
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,274
That's my little gift.
136
00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:44,343
[ Chuckles ]
137
00:05:44,345 --> 00:05:46,611
Oh, boy.
138
00:05:46,613 --> 00:05:48,714
You really like, uh,
waffles, there, huh?
139
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:51,316
You kidding?
[ Chuckles ]
140
00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,885
This is what
it's all about.
141
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:57,856
I was kind of hoping
there was more to it, but --
142
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:02,627
I'm on the road 293 days
out of the year for my job.
143
00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:04,029
Lean into it.
144
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,898
I'm kind of trying
to watch my weight, though.
145
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,367
Thinking about it.
146
00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:10,469
You know you only
live once, right?
147
00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:12,471
And I guarantee you,
148
00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:14,406
when you're taking
your last breath,
149
00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:16,475
you're gonna be thinking,
150
00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:18,377
"I should have eaten
more waffles."
151
00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:20,979
[ Chuckling ]
Probably right.
152
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:23,648
That and, "I should have
got more pussy."
153
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:30,722
[ Chuckles ]
154
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,658
Waffles and pussy.
155
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:34,993
What else is there?
156
00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:36,828
[ Waffle iron beeping ]
157
00:06:41,768 --> 00:06:43,502
Ooh.
158
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,736
Okay.
159
00:06:47,507 --> 00:06:48,707
Nice, huh?
160
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:50,008
I don't know if I'm gonna
eat this.
161
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,343
I think -- I think
I'm just gonna
162
00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:52,677
go to the club
and check it out.
163
00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:54,946
I'll be here.
Okay. You want --
164
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,014
uh... Yeah.
Yeah?
165
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,749
It's a sin to waste it.
166
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,085
Oh.
That's what my mother always said.
167
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:04,389
Okay.
168
00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:07,125
God damn!
169
00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:36,555
Oh.
170
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,790
I have a message for you.
171
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,125
[ Sighs ]
172
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:43,128
"Gig is canceled tonight.
Health-code violation.
173
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,797
Reopen tomorrow."
174
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,833
That's not good.
What are you gonna do?
175
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:50,068
Well... I'm gonna think.
176
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,070
I'm gonna fester.
Gonna write.
177
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,939
Gonna battle
good and evil.
178
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,407
Gonna nap.
179
00:07:55,409 --> 00:07:57,075
Maybe masturbate.
180
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,977
You know what?
Definitely masturbate.
181
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,079
Then nap again, probably.
182
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,415
It's good
you have a plan.
183
00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:04,449
No porn.
184
00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:06,418
Going from up here.
185
00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:07,586
Oh, old school.
186
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,221
Yeah, right?
187
00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:12,824
Okay.
188
00:08:15,761 --> 00:08:17,762
[ Sighs ]
189
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,174
[ Gasps ]
190
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,543
Jesus Christ!
191
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:33,545
What is that, cancer?!
192
00:08:34,747 --> 00:08:36,448
Hey. Hey. Hey.
193
00:08:36,450 --> 00:08:37,849
What's up
with the Internet?
194
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,184
I tried to get on last night
and again this morning.
195
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,785
It's nothing.
I get nothing.
196
00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:43,188
Sometimes, between
12:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M.,
197
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,956
we don't have Internet,
198
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:47,626
and then sometimes, between
8:00 P.M. and 12:00 A.M.,
199
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,227
we don't have Internet.
200
00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:51,963
So, you don't
have Internet.
201
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,499
No, but sometimes,
between 12:00 A.M. --
202
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:55,967
okay, okay.
I got it. I got it.
203
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,168
I have -- I need to get online.
It's an emergency.
204
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:58,670
I have a --
I have a thing.
205
00:08:58,672 --> 00:09:01,306
Does that -- does that
look like cancer to you?
206
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:04,476
I'm not allowed to give out
medical advice anymore.
207
00:09:04,478 --> 00:09:06,578
Okay, that's
very reasonable.
208
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:08,647
But that is
very upsetting.
209
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:09,848
Right?
210
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:12,584
Yeah. Can I stop
looking at that now?
211
00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:14,085
Yeah. Sorry.
212
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:15,820
There's a coffee shop
up the road,
213
00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:16,855
and they have Internet.
214
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:19,224
Let's say it is cancer.
215
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,992
Nothing you can do
about it here.
216
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,894
Still gonna be cancer
when you get home.
217
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,630
Why don't you and I
go in the hot tub and relax?
218
00:09:26,832 --> 00:09:28,033
I got to go.
219
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:29,734
I think
that's a good idea.
220
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,570
[ Sighs ]
221
00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:41,813
Oh, Jesus Christ.
222
00:09:43,015 --> 00:09:44,549
Can I get you
anything else?
223
00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:46,251
No, I'm good.
224
00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:50,855
[ Sighs ]
225
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:53,091
I have cancer.
226
00:09:58,064 --> 00:10:01,866
Do you want something --
I don't know --
227
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,101
fun to drink?
228
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:07,572
No, I got to do radio.
229
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:09,908
Brandon: Dude,
Pete & the pig are hilarious.
230
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:12,043
"Pork in your ears
in the afternoon!"
231
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:14,579
[ Squeals ]
Oh, my God. Shut up.
232
00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:17,048
Am I gonna see
the pig's face, or what?
233
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,216
No.
234
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,784
He wears that
in the studio?
235
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,052
No, they're not here.
236
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:22,887
They do the show
remotely. What?
237
00:10:22,889 --> 00:10:24,723
Yeah, they hate
each other. No.
238
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:27,559
The pig does it from
his home studio up in Seattle,
239
00:10:27,561 --> 00:10:29,127
and Pete is
in Los Angeles.
240
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:33,732
I can't believe
they're not best friends.
241
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:36,601
So, wait, so you just
want me to sit alone in there?
242
00:10:36,603 --> 00:10:38,570
I mean, why couldn't
I just call?
243
00:10:38,572 --> 00:10:40,839
Well, it sounds weird
if you call in.
244
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:42,073
Ugh.
245
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:44,142
Pete: And now
we're joined
246
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,978
by comedian and podcaster
Marc maron,
247
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:50,081
who is at Uncle morty's
ha ha cafe tonight.
248
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,917
Marc, welcome.
The pig: [ Squeals, snorts ]
249
00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:54,919
We had Henry Cho
in here last week.
250
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:57,922
Funny guy. He's Asian, but he
doesn't talk like one.
251
00:10:57,924 --> 00:11:00,792
Yeah. That's, uh -- that's
exactly what Henry Cho is.
252
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:01,960
[ Laughs ]
253
00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:03,094
[ Snorts, squeals ]
254
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,096
Marc, can you give
our porksters
255
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,666
a taste of what
they'll be getting tonight?
256
00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:09,267
W-what do you want me to do,
material?
257
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,269
You want me to do bits?
Is that what you want me to do?
258
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:12,637
Lay it on us, baby.
[ Laughs ]
259
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:14,873
[ Squeals, snorts ]
260
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:15,974
Hey, does the pig talk?
261
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:18,109
[ Laughs ]
262
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,345
[ Squeals ]
263
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,147
Oh, my God.
Look, I, uh...
264
00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:24,949
You know, I'm not th--
I'm not that guy, man.
265
00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:28,119
I don't, uh -- I d--
I don't do material offstage.
266
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,854
Oh, come on!
Henry Cho did it.
267
00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:31,790
Bang! Knocked it
out of the park.
268
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,825
Maybe you should do
some of his jokes.
269
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:36,327
Jonly bonly Stewart!
270
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:37,962
[ Both laugh ]
271
00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:39,230
[ Snorts ]
272
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:40,832
Hey, uh, why don't
we just talk, man?
273
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,734
Let's just talk
some stuff out.
274
00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:44,335
Let's just riff
a little bit.
275
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:45,870
Oh, okay.
Here we go.
276
00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:48,740
Getting into
the head of Marc maron.
277
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:51,710
What funny stuff
is going on in there?
278
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:53,411
I have cancer.
279
00:11:55,347 --> 00:11:57,115
Yeah?
280
00:11:58,984 --> 00:12:00,685
No, I'm serious, man.
281
00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:03,388
I, uh... Think I should see
a doctor or something.
282
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:06,191
I -- I've... Been looking
at photos online,
283
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:08,159
and it, uh --
I don't know.
284
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:10,662
I think it's the real deal,
and, uh,
285
00:12:10,664 --> 00:12:12,864
I don't know
how far along it is,
286
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:15,700
and I don't know
how long I got or what.
287
00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:17,202
I mean, it's in my mouth.
288
00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:19,337
It's --
it's close to my brain,
289
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:21,172
and I don't know
if I'm gonna need surgery,
290
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,907
if they're gonna cut
half my face off.
291
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:26,010
Uh...
You know, and I have to --
292
00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:27,912
how am I gonna do comedy
like that?
293
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,347
It'd be horrendous.
294
00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:32,884
[ Chuckles ]
Good stuff.
295
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:35,086
No, that's not material.
He's serious, man.
296
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,055
[ Sighs ]
Marc, I'm really sorry
297
00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:39,124
to hear that
you're going through this.
298
00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:41,025
My sister-in-law
had mouth cancer.
299
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:42,794
She died.
Why are you talking?
300
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:44,028
Catch Marc maron --
[ Squeals ]
301
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:45,230
Don't do that.
302
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,365
Tonight at
Uncle morty's ha ha cafe.
303
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:50,468
[ Squealing ]
Yeah.
304
00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:52,904
Yeah.
305
00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:54,939
Uh-huh.
Is it bad?
306
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,274
Well, it's black.
307
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,710
Black is not a great color
to have in your mouth.
308
00:12:58,712 --> 00:12:59,944
Oh, you think?
309
00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:01,880
Ew.
310
00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:04,783
It's definitely
a lump of some kind.
311
00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:06,885
I haven't really seen this
before. Sorry.
312
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,453
Oh, shit.
I knew it.
313
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:11,156
Look, I'm just
a general practitioner.
314
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:13,324
This isn't really
in my specialty.
315
00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:15,093
Well, what do I do?
316
00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:16,327
I don't know.
317
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:19,330
Maybe go to an oral surgeon,
get a biopsy.
318
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,065
That's a cancer test,
right?
319
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:22,467
Yeah, it is.
320
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:24,335
W-why are you kicking the can
down the road, doc?
321
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:26,838
Just -- just look me in the eye
and tell me the truth.
322
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,072
I can take it.
323
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:29,107
Okay.
324
00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:31,409
Here's the truth.
325
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:33,278
I don't know
what's in your mouth.
326
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,914
Y-you can't
tell me anything.
327
00:13:37,116 --> 00:13:38,483
It's black.
328
00:13:40,352 --> 00:13:42,086
[ Car door slams ]
[ Sighs ] So, what's up?
329
00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:43,988
I don't even know what
just happened in there.
330
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,323
It was ridiculous.
331
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,758
I don't know if that guy
was even a real doctor.
332
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,126
I feel like I was
part of a prank
333
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,961
or I -- or I've been
jackassed or something.
334
00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:51,930
Is that a word,
"jackassed"?
335
00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:53,932
What is going on
in this town?
336
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:56,267
I get that this state
is an oil state,
337
00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:58,503
but is this town
built on a gas leak?
338
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,471
It's like a vortex
of morons!
339
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:03,107
I feel like I'm
on your podcast,
340
00:14:03,109 --> 00:14:05,777
that first part everybody
fast-forwards through.
341
00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:07,178
You're an idiot.
342
00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:11,282
[ Sighs ]
343
00:14:15,221 --> 00:14:17,989
There he is.
344
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:20,291
Hey.
345
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:22,894
You finish working out,
because you need it.
346
00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,529
Get the anxiety out.
347
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:28,499
And when you're done, come up
to room 237, and we'll talk.
348
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:30,802
You understand?
349
00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:32,303
Yeah.
350
00:14:37,142 --> 00:14:39,310
[ Jazz music playing ]
351
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,088
Get in here.
352
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,375
You play?
353
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:11,843
By myself.
354
00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:14,078
I get nervous playing
with other people.
355
00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:17,582
I get that.
356
00:15:19,018 --> 00:15:20,585
Coffee?
357
00:15:21,553 --> 00:15:23,121
Yeah, all right.
358
00:15:31,030 --> 00:15:33,431
So, about your thing.
359
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,233
Yeah, we can
talk about it openly.
360
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:37,035
That's where I'm at
with it now.
361
00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:39,103
Yeah, I just want to deal
with it honestly.
362
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:41,940
You know, this is some serious
shit to wrap my head around.
363
00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:44,042
You know?
364
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,977
I mean -- I mean,
how much time h-have I got?
365
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:47,879
D-do I -- do I got a week?
Do I got a month?
366
00:15:47,881 --> 00:15:49,414
I mean, what --
what do I do?
367
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:53,084
I'd live like it was
my last day on earth.
368
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:56,054
What, you mean consumed with
panic and unable to function?
369
00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:58,222
Nobody lives like
it's their last day on earth.
370
00:15:58,224 --> 00:16:01,292
It would be chaos. The entire
system would shut down.
371
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:04,595
Get real, man. I mean,
you have a month to live -- what would you do?
372
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:07,498
[ Chuckles ]
I'd probably do drugs.
373
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:11,636
The works -- meth,
heroin, all that shit.
374
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:13,071
Yeah, I don't know.
375
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:14,472
I've done most of that.
What else?
376
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:17,342
I'd probably
have sex with a man.
377
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,243
Really?
I didn't expect that.
378
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:20,511
Why not?
Who gives a shit?
379
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,080
At that point,
380
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,514
you might as well see
what it's all about, right?
381
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:26,417
You know? I'd --
I'd screw him.
382
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:30,922
I'd -- I'd screw him
like a man screws a man.
383
00:16:30,924 --> 00:16:33,024
A-and then I'd
let him screw me.
384
00:16:35,961 --> 00:16:37,528
And I'd kill.
385
00:16:39,098 --> 00:16:41,332
Maybe the guy
I was banging, you know?
386
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:44,502
I was thinking
more like a trip to Nepal.
387
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:45,970
Who cares about travel
388
00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:48,106
when you could be
a dangerous top
389
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,375
and a submissive bottom
all in one day?
390
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:52,343
That's some
yin and Yang shit.
391
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:55,613
I'd want to watch the life
slowly leave his eyes,
392
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,281
just...
393
00:16:57,283 --> 00:17:00,685
Watch him until
there's nothing left in there.
394
00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:04,455
And then
I'd screw him again.
395
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:07,558
Yeah. Why not
at that point, right?
396
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:08,960
Oh, come on.
397
00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:10,461
You think along
the same lines.
398
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,698
We both have these thoughts
rolling around in our heads.
399
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,367
Don't put
your weird shit on me.
400
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,403
Weird shit?
401
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:20,471
Is that what you're gonna
go with in this situation?
402
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:22,507
I'm the guy
with weird shit?
403
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:25,243
Of course you are, because
you're not taking any chances.
404
00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:27,211
Even when your back
is against the wall,
405
00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:29,981
you're not actually
risking anything.
406
00:17:29,983 --> 00:17:33,084
Time to step into
the fear...
407
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:34,485
And conquer it.
408
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:38,423
At least I can say
that I've lived.
409
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:41,192
I'm not moping around
all the time,
410
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:42,560
not being able to accept
411
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:45,329
any little good thing
that happens to me.
412
00:17:45,331 --> 00:17:47,031
Hey, hey, that's
over the line, man.
413
00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:48,332
It's the truth!
414
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:51,335
You shouldn't even do
that show tonight.
415
00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:54,238
Blow it off and go to
a titty bar with me tonight!
416
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,506
Come on.
417
00:17:57,509 --> 00:18:00,244
Thank you for the coffee.
418
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,413
[ Slurps ]
419
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:05,116
Let's not do this again.
420
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:11,522
Lubbock, Texas.
Whoa.
421
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:14,092
I don't know what goes on here.
I'm sure it's very exciting.
422
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,693
I've only been here
for a couple of days.
423
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,395
I live in Los Angeles.
I'm not bragging.
424
00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:18,729
It's a beautiful place to live,
425
00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:20,364
but there is one problem,
and it is a truth.
426
00:18:20,366 --> 00:18:22,033
I don't know if you can
relate to it,
427
00:18:22,035 --> 00:18:26,404
but I know for a fact
that if I get into my car,
428
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,473
within 20 minutes,
I'll be furious.
429
00:18:28,475 --> 00:18:30,208
[ Laughter ]
430
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,376
I'll be -- I'll just be beside
myself with anger, and...
431
00:18:32,378 --> 00:18:33,644
[ Sighs ]
432
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:37,048
I can't, uh --
I can't do this shit.
433
00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:39,217
[ Laughter ]
434
00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:40,785
[ Grunts ]
435
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,487
Shit.
436
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,489
[ Laughter ]
437
00:18:46,091 --> 00:18:48,159
I have cancer.
438
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:49,727
Don't tweet that.
439
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:51,395
What the hell's wrong with you?
440
00:18:51,397 --> 00:18:52,730
Seriously. Put it down.
441
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,566
Put the phone down.
442
00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:57,401
I know this is awkward,
but, um...
443
00:18:57,403 --> 00:18:59,103
Is there -- is there
a doctor in here?
444
00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:01,239
Is there a doctor in the house?
445
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:02,573
No, not you. I know you.
446
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:03,575
[ Laughter ]
447
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:05,276
Yeah, y-you're a doctor?
448
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:06,744
Can you come take a look
at this thing?
449
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:08,412
I got a-a thing
in my mouth.
450
00:19:08,414 --> 00:19:10,281
Now?
Yeah, I think we need to do it now,
451
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:12,483
and the light's better
up here, and... [ Clears throat ]
452
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,685
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
453
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,687
Um, sorry, folks.
What's your name?
454
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:18,456
Hi. I-I'm Jill.
455
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,658
Hi, Jill. G-give a round of
applause for Jill -- Dr. Jill.
456
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,293
[ Applause ]
457
00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:24,462
Um, yeah, I-I-I-I think
I have cancer in my mouth.
458
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:27,698
And, folks, I know this isn't...
A-a standard show.
459
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,634
I understand it's awkward,
460
00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:32,370
but, you know, you're -- you're
witnessing something real here.
461
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:33,638
This is something authentic.
462
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,473
This could be life-changing
for me.
463
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:37,775
I'm just trying to -- I'm really
just trying to deal right now.
464
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:39,844
So, w-we --
and, look, if it's cancer,
465
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,512
you can tweet it,
I guess,
466
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:44,382
'cause I think, you know,
that's news, right?
467
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:47,151
You might want to hashtag
it "maroncancer."
468
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:48,519
I'm a big fan.
Oh, thank you.
469
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,221
Well, this should be --
yeah.
470
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:52,290
This sort of might be
kind of a big deal for you,
471
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,358
because you're gonna
look inside me, my mouth.
472
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,494
Oh. [ Chuckles ]
And it's -- it's weird, I know,
473
00:19:56,496 --> 00:19:58,162
but c-can you --
can you just --
474
00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,398
okay, um, here, turn toward
the light a little bit.
475
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,466
Can you see it?
Can you see it? Yeah.
476
00:20:02,468 --> 00:20:04,235
That is a canker sore.
477
00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:05,703
Why is it black?
478
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:09,240
Have you been eating
anything black?
479
00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:10,808
[ Sighs ]
Are you serious?
480
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,510
Yes. Licorice.
481
00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:14,545
[ Laughter ]
I've been eating licorice.
482
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,881
I think licorice
got in your canker sore.
483
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:18,316
Oh, my God!
484
00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:19,483
[ Laughter ]
So it's not cancer.
485
00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:20,851
Not cancer.
It's just... Nasty.
486
00:20:20,853 --> 00:20:21,886
[ Laughter ]
487
00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,321
Yeah.
I've seen worse.
488
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:24,522
Really?
Well...
489
00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:26,524
Okay. Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
490
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:28,159
Thank you.
Get her free drinks.
491
00:20:28,161 --> 00:20:30,895
Let's get that doctor
shit-faced. [ Laughter ]
492
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:32,663
Wow.
493
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,899
That was --
that was ridiculous.
494
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,235
So, I don't have cancer.
[ Laughter ]
495
00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:38,669
Huh.
Well, listen.
496
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:41,739
I-I -- then I have
some advice for you people.
497
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,675
Don't Google
mouth-cancer images...
498
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:47,745
[ Laughter ]
499
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,347
...because I got to --
500
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:50,848
like, look, I-I've
got to be honest with you.
501
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:52,350
I almost died.
[ Laughter ]
502
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:53,918
All right, l-let me
rephrase that.
503
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,354
In my mind,
I almost died.
504
00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:58,456
[ Laughter ]
505
00:21:01,293 --> 00:21:03,494
[ Jazz music playing ]
506
00:21:16,708 --> 00:21:20,211
Hey, uh...
Taking off.
507
00:21:20,213 --> 00:21:21,545
Uh, but I want
to leave a note
508
00:21:21,547 --> 00:21:23,714
for that guy who's eating
waffles all the time.
509
00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:25,216
Yeah, uh, his name
is murph.
510
00:21:25,218 --> 00:21:26,917
I think it's probably
short for "Murphy."
511
00:21:26,919 --> 00:21:28,919
[ Keyboard clacking ]
512
00:21:28,921 --> 00:21:32,490
There is no murph
or Murphy.
513
00:21:33,592 --> 00:21:35,226
Really?
He's in room 237.
514
00:21:35,228 --> 00:21:37,428
I was just hanging out
with him last night.
515
00:21:37,430 --> 00:21:42,300
There's no room 237
in this hotel.
516
00:21:46,405 --> 00:21:48,773
Huh.
517
00:21:48,775 --> 00:21:51,642
I guess I made him up.
518
00:21:51,692 --> 00:21:56,242
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