All language subtitles for Maron s02e07 Marcs Family.eng

WHAT DO I CALL YOU? CM?
DO I CALL YOU PUNK?

DO I CALL YOU PHIL?

WELL,
CM PUNK'S MY CODE NAME.

AND I NEVER KNOW, "HEY,
YOU KNOW, HOW ARE YOU? MY NAME'S PUNK."

RIGHT.
IT'S KIND OF A WEIRD WAY TO START A CONVERSATION...

[ Chuckling ] YEAH.
...WITHOUT EXPLAINING TO PEOPLE WHAT I DO.

RIGHT. RIGHT.
I RUN AROUND IN MY UNDERWEAR FOR A LIVING.

BUT, YEAH,
CM PUNK'S MY CODE NAME.

RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, SO, I -- WELL,
I HAVE A CODE. I HAVE A NAME.

I HAVE A WRESTLING NAME.

I'M THE --
THE "SELF HATER." I LIKE IT.

YEAH, I'M A HEEL
AGAINST ME. YEAH.

I'M WRESTLING
WITH MYSELF.

YOU HATE YOURSELF.

YEAH. JUST ME.
YOU HAVE DEMONS.

I'LL HIT MYSELF
WITH A CHAIR. YEAH.

YEAH, DO THE WHOLE THING --
THROW MYSELF ON THE ROPES.

I'D PAY TO SEE IT.

YEAH, THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I KNOW
WE DO HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

I MEAN, I THINK COMEDY, UH --
STAND-UP COMEDY AND WRESTLING

ARE SIMILAR IN THE --
THE TOURING SCHEDULE

AND THE NATURE OF THE TYPE
OF ENTERTAINMENT WE PROVIDE.

BUT I DO THINK THAT WE --
WE HAVE SIMILAR ISSUES.

I THINK YOU PROBABLY HAVE ISSUES
WITH YOUR PARENTS.

OH, GOD. HOW -- HOW LONG
OF A PODCAST IS THIS?

MY MOTHER
ONCE SAID TO ME,

"I DON'T THINK I COULD LOVE YOU
IF YOU WERE FAT."

AH, THAT'S A TERRIBLE THING
TO SAY TO A CHILD.

YEAH, AND SHE SAID IT AGAIN
TWO WEEKS AGO. IT'S ONGOING.

THAT'S WHY -- THAT'S WHY
I'M, LIKE, NUTS WITH, UH -- WITH FOOD.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHY I HAVE FOOD
ISSUES. YOU HAVE FOOD ISSUES?

OH, IF YOU'RE -- IF YOU'RE
THE SELF-DEPRECATOR,

I AM
CAPTAIN BODY DYSMORPHIA.

COME ON, MAN.
WE'RE MEN.

YOU KNOW,
IN MY BUSINESS, EVERYBODY'S... YEAH.

EVERYBODY'S YOLKED UP, AND
THEY'RE HUGE BODYBUILDER TYPES,

AND I'M NOT REALLY
THAT GUY,

SO I REALLY GOT TO WATCH
WHAT I EAT. YEAH?

LEAN MEAT...
RIGHT, RIGHT.

...LOT OF VEGETABLES, YOU KNOW,
EGG WHITES... YEAH, YEAH.

...YOU KNOW,
I TAKE IT TO EXTREMES.

BUT IT'S JUST
SO MENTALLY DRAINING

AND SOMETIMES
PHYSICALLY DRAINING. YEAH.

YOU KNOW, SO I HAVE TO HAVE,
LIKE, A CHEAT DAY.

A CHEAT DAY!
I DO THAT, TOO.

EVERY CHEAT DAY,
WHAT I DO IS I STOCK UP,

I GET ALL THE STUFF --
THE ICE CREAM, THE COOKIES,

EVERYTHING --
AND BASICALLY WHAT I DO

IS I CHALLENGE MYSELF
TO KILL MYSELF WITH FOOD

IN A 24-HOUR PERIOD.

AND, ONCE AGAIN, VERY SIMILAR.
ABSOLUTELY. YOU --

HAVE YOU EVER DONE A CHEAT WEEK?
BECAUSE THAT IS AWESOME.

I THINK
YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

W-W-WELL, DON'T JUDGE.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

HEY, MAN!

[ CHUCKLES ]
I JUST WENT THROUGH TWO STATES

AT 130 MILES AN HOUR.

IT WAS AMAZING!
HAVE YOU EVER DONE THAT?

W-W-W-WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I'M OUT, BROTHER.

I'M FREE. I'M CLEAR.
WAIT. WHA--

YOU'RE A SCIENTOLOGIST?

NO! REAL CLARITY.

SARAH AND I BROKE UP.

UGH! I'M DONE
WITH THE OLD ME.

THAT -- THAT ME
WAS DEAD INSIDE.

THIS ME IS ALIVE.
I HAVE TO PEE.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
SLOW DOWN. WHAT?

I WAS GONNA PEE OUTSIDE, BECAUSE
THAT'S SORT OF WHO I AM NOW,

BUT OUT OF RESPECT FOR YOUR
NEIGHBORS AND MAYBE YOUR CATS,

I DECIDED TO WAIT.

OOH! I THINK I'M BEGINNING
TO PEE NOW, ACTUALLY.

W-W-WELL, GO, GO, GO.

MAYBE I'LL GO --
JUST PEE IN MY PANTS.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU DID THAT, RIGHT?

JUST LET IT FLOW?

[ LAUGHS ]
DON'T. JUST GO. GO.

OKAY.

SO, WHAT HAPPENED
WITH YOU AND SARAH?

I THOUGHT
YOU GUYS WERE SOLID.

OH, YEAH,
IT WAS MUTUAL.

WE BOTH KNEW IT WAS DEAD --
JUST GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS.

I HAD NO IDEA.

OH, WOW.

I GUESS I HAVE TO DO
A LITTLE MORE THAN PEE.

UH, KEEP AN EYE
ON MY BAG, WILL YOU?

WELL, IT'S NOT THE AIRPORT,
BUT, YEAH, I-I-I GOT IT.

[ GRUNTS ]

OH, NOW I CAN RELAX.

[ SIGHS ]

[ "THE POISONED WELL" PLAYS ]

[ Ringing ]

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

HELLO?
MARC: Hi, Mom. It's Marc.

HI, MARC. I LOVE YOU.

UH, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT

AT THE END
OF THE CONVERSATION.

IT'S WEIRD
AT THE BEGINNING.

YOU'RE SO CRITICAL.

All right, look...

H-HAVE YOU TALKED
TO JOSH LATELY?

No. Have you?
MAYBE.

EVERYBODY'S
LOOKING FOR HIM.

What does that mean?

I TALKED TO HIS WIFE YESTERDAY.
SHE'S WORRIED SICK.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW
WHERE HE IS.

WHAT?

Yeah, she said
he's been gone for two days.

SHE SAID HE PEELED OUT
IN THEIR DRIVEWAY.

YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS?

WAIT, MY BROTHER'S MISSING
AND YOU DON'T THINK TO CALL ME?

WHY WOULD I CALL YOU?

BECAUSE HE'S MY BROTHER!

Well, I didn't want you
to be worried.

AREN'T YOU WORRIED?
Everybody's worried.

SARAH CALLED THE POLICE.
THEY WERE AT THE HOUSE.

Oh, my God.

UH, WELL, LOOK --
I TALKED TO HIM.

HE SAID THAT HE
AND HIS WIFE BROKE UP.

I DON'T THINK
SARAH KNOWS THAT.

SHE JUST SAID
HE PEELED OUT. [ Sighs ]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. LOOK --
ALL RIGHT, HE'S HERE.

YOU CAN CALL OFF
THE POLICE.

KEEP HIM THERE.
I'M COMING.

NO, NO. DON'T --
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

DON'T COME OUT HERE.

HELLO? HELLO?

[ SIGHS ]
COME ON.

WHAT?

[ CELLPHONE RINGS, BEEPS ]

HI, MOM.

I LOVE YOU.

I MEANT TO SAY IT
AT THE END OF OUR LAST CALL.

Thank you. Listen...
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

COULD YOU PLEASE
NOT COME OUT HERE

UNTIL I FIGURE OUT
WHAT IS GOING ON?

COULD YOU DO THAT FOR ME?

HELLO? HELLO?

SHIT.

HEY, WHAT IS GOING ON?

WHO -- WHO
WAS ON THE PHONE? MOM.

DID YOU TELL HER
I WAS HERE? YEAH, I TOLD HER,

AND SHE SAID THAT YOUR WIFE SAID
YOU JUST TOOK OFF.

I PEELED OUT
OF THE DRIVEWAY. I HEARD.

I'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.
IT WAS LIKE A MOVIE.

IT FELT EXCELLENT.

WHAT IS GOING ON?
ARE YOU IN TROUBLE?

WHOSE MONEY IS THIS?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
MEXICO.

WHAT? DUDE!

WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON?

I DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT IT!

I'M DOING WHAT I WANT
TO DO -- FINALLY.

SCREW EVERYONE ELSE.

YOU SOUND LIKE DAD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M EATING THIS.

I WAS DOING SO GOOD.

UGH.
I'M SO DISGUSTING.

YEAH, I'M GONNA SAVE MINE
TILL TOMORROW -- CHEAT DAY.

I'M FAT, MAN.

YOU'RE NOT FAT.
I'M FAT.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

WHAT'S THIS?

SKIN, DUDE.
THAT'S SKIN.

WHY DID MOM
MAKE US SO CRAZY?

BECAUSE SHE'S CRAZY, RIGHT?
COME ON. [ CHUCKLING ]

MM-HMM. YEAH.

GIVE IT TO ME.

[ SIGHS ]

I LOVE MOM.

I'M ON THE FENCE.

ARE YOU SURE
YOU WANT TO SLEEP IN HERE?

I CAN --
I CAN FIX UP THE COUCH?

NO, I DON'T WANT
TO BE ALONE.

YOU'D JUST BE
ON THE COUCH.

NO, THIS IS GOOD.

OKAY.
[ SIGHS ]

ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME
WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?

OKAY.

LIKE, NOW?

YEAH, I WILL.

LISTENING.

ALL RIGHT.
LEAVE ME ALONE.

[ SIGHS ]

I GOT FIRED.
I COULDN'T FIND ANOTHER JOB.

I WAS HIDING IT
FOR WEEKS.

I'D GET DRESSED FOR WORK
AND GO TO LUBY'S IN THE MORNING,

STAY THERE THROUGH LUNCH
AND PART OF DINNER,

AND IT REALLY IS
ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT.

THAT SOUNDS AMAZING.

IT WAS.
AH.

BUT I WAS ASHAMED
AND FELT HORRIBLE.

THEN I REALIZED
I COULD JUST LEAVE -- GO.

I TOOK ALL OF THE MONEY OUT
OF MY ACCOUNTS AND HIT THE ROAD.

BEST THING I'VE EVER DONE
IN MY LIFE. NO. NO, IT'S NOT.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT ALL YOUR MONEY.
IT'S YOUR WIFE'S MONEY.

YOU CAN GO TO JAIL.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR KIDS?

I WAS TIRED
OF ALL OF THEM -- TAKERS.

TAKERS?
PEOPLE THAT NEED YOU?

TYLER'S 12!
HE DOESN'T NEED ME ANYMORE.

JORDAN? HE'S 7.
HE'LL DO WHATEVER TYLER DOES.

I DON'T THINK
YOU'VE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.

DID YOU THINK
TO TALK TO ANYBODY?

UH, YEAH.
I TALKED TO DAD.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

BECAUSE HE'S OUR DAD.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S ALSO WHY
YOU DON'T TALK TO HIM,

ESPECIALLY ABOUT
BIG LIFE DECISIONS.

I KNOW, I KNOW.
[ SIGHS ]

CAN YOU SLEEP?

[ SIGHS ]

GOOD NIGHT, BROTHER.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE? HEY, DAD.

YOU GET THE MONEY?

OH, SO, CASHING IN HIS
BANK ACCOUNT WAS YOUR IDEA.

OF COURSE IT WAS.

THIS IS A GREAT
BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY.

IT'S THE NUMBER-ONE SPORT
IN THE WORLD.

NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S SOCCER.

WELL, YOU CAN'T RENT OUT
SOCCER BALLS.

PADDLEBOARDING -- YOU SET UP
A KIOSK ON THE BEACH

ESCONDIDO --
IT'S A GREAT PLACE FOR IT.

I DID A GOOGLE.

JOSH WILL RUN IT,
I'LL SIT ON THE BEACH.

RIGHT, KIDDO?
YEAH, DAD.

HEY, HEY,
Y-YOU WANT IN ON THIS?

NO, I DON'T WANT IN ON ANYTHING
THIS FAMILY IS INVOLVED WITH.

I THINK YOU'RE TAKING ADVANTAGE
OF HIS SITUATION.

HE NEEDS TO GO HOME,
FIND A JOB,

AND TELL HIS FAMILY
WHAT'S GOING ON.

HE'S GONNA DO
WHAT I TOLD HIM TO DO.

I'M HIS FATHER.
NO, YOU'RE A LUNATIC.

YEAH, WELL,
YOU'RE A BUZZKILL.

OH, WHERE'D
YOU LEARN THAT TERM?

I KEEP UP
WITH THE NEW JARGON.

HEY. HEY,
W-W-WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT.

NO. WHERE YOU GOING?
YOU CAN'T -- HEY!

THAT IS NOT
YOUR MONEY, MARC.

THAT'S JOSH'S MONEY.
THAT'S HIS NEST EGG.

Josh: YEAH,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TAKING IT SOMEPLACE
FOR SAFE KEEPING

UNTIL I CAN TALK YOU
OUT OF THIS. YOU SOUND

OH, THAT'S RICH.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, JOSH.

THIS IS THE BEST THING
WE'VE EVER DONE, RIGHT? RIGHT.

YOU'RE BOTH NUTS.

I'M NU-- OH, YOU!

[ SIGHS ]

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S
WITH THE GLASSES?

DID YOU SEE MY CAR
OUT THERE?

YOU LOST YOUR CAR?
UH, NEVER MIND.

LOOK, I-I NEED TO STASH THIS BAG
OF MONEY SOMEWHERE TEMPORARILY.

I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I THOUGHT THIS MIGHT BE
A-A GOOD PLACE TO...

I'M RETHINKING IT.
I'M RETHINKING IT.

YEAH, THAT'S
A GOOD CALL.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'M JUST GETTING
SOME REALLY BAD IDEAS.

APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY.
I'M GONNA GO.

ARE THERE, LIKE,
HUNDREDS IN THERE?

NEVER MIND.
I HOPE YOU FIND YOUR CAR.

YOU WANT TO GO IN
ON A BOAT?

NO.

WHAT? MOM!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I'M COMING TO SEE YOU.

THAT'S NOT MY HOUSE.

WELL, IT LOOKS
LIKE YOUR HOUSE.

NO, ACTUALLY, IT DOESN'T.
THIS IS MY HOUSE.

I LOVE YOU, BABY.

[ BOTH GROAN ]

WHAT'S THIS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THAT'S NOTHING.
I'M THIN.

YOUR FACE LOOKS PUFFY.

WHOSE BACKPACK IS THAT?

[ GASPS ]

OH, MY GOD!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS IS JOSH'S KID'S.

IT'S FILLED WITH MONEY.
I'M KEEPING AN EYE ON IT.

SO I'M GUESSING
YOUR FATHER'S HERE. YEAH.

WAIT. WHAT? WHY?

I KNEW IT.
WHERE'S HE LIVING NOW?

IS HE STILL
IN TEXAS SOMEWHERE?

NO, THAT'S HIS HOUSE
RIGHT THERE.

[ GASPS ] PATHETIC.

OKAY, I DON'T
WANT TO SEE HIM.

YEAH, I-I DON'T WANT TO,
EITHER, ALL RIGHT?

BUT WE'RE TO HELP JOSH.

HE'S GOING THROUGH
A ROUGH PATCH,

AND -- AND DAD IS LEADING HIM
INTO IT.

YOU KNOW HE IS.
MM-HMM.

WHAT'S HE LOOK LIKE NOW?

HE WAS PUDGY
THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM.

W-WHO? JOSH OR DAD?

BOTH.

LOOK,
LISTEN TO ME, MOM.

THERE ARE BIGGER PROBLEMS
AT HAND.

CAN YOU STOP THINKING ABOUT
FOOD AND FAT FOR FIVE MINUTES

AND JUST BE A MOTHER?

WELL, THAT'S
NOT VERY NICE.

HOW DO I LOOK?

YOU LOOK GREAT, MOM.
YOU LOOK VERY THIN.

I DO PILATES.

GOOD FOR YOU.

HELLO? DAD? JOSH?

COME ON IN.

THEY MUST BE OUT
IN THE TRAILER.

WELL, GO GET YOUR BROTHER.
I WANT TO SEE HIM.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, OKAY, BUT
THIS IS -- IT'S ABOUT HIS LIFE.

IT'S NOT ABOUT HIS WEIGHT,
ALL RIGHT?

I JUST WANT TO TALK TO HIM.
IT'S FINE. DON'T WORRY SO MUCH.

OKAY.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

MOM WANTS TO TALK TO YOU
IN THE HOUSE.

AM I IN TROUBLE?
YES. YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

YOU DO NOT
HAVE TO GO IN THERE.

WILL YOU TELL HER DAD SAID
I DON'T HAVE TO COME IN THERE?

JUST COME IN THE HOUSE.
YOU STAY OUT HERE.

[ SIGHS ]

[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]

MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
I JUST BOUGHT THAT STUFF.

YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS STUFF
IN THIS HOUSE.

IT'S DANGEROUS.

IT'S EASIER TO BECOME A FATTY
WHEN YOU'RE OLDER.

YEAH, BUT THAT STUFF'S
ON MY DIET.

OH, YOU'RE
NOT GONNA UNDERSTAND.

I CAN'T BE IN THE SAME HOUSE
WITH ALL OF THIS.

EITHER IT GOES OR I GO.

OOH, DON'T
MAKE ME CHOOSE.

UGH.

HELLO, JOSHUA.
COME HERE, BABY.

WHAT HAPPENED?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, MY GOD.

OH, YOU LOOK BETTER SINCE
THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU.

OH, THANKS, MOM.

WHY'D YOU
SCREW EVERYTHING UP?

WHAT? YOU -- YOU MEAN, WHY DID I
TAKE CONTROL OF MY LIFE?

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SIT DOWN?

I'LL TRY TO MAKE US
SOME DINNER.

NO REASON
TO START TRYING NOW.

THERE YOU GO.

WHERE'D THIS BROCCOLI SLAW
COME FROM?

I HAD IT WITH ME.

THAT'S DISTURBING.

DON'T BE SO JUDGMENTAL.

WOULD EITHER OF YOU LIKE
ANY OF MY FAT-FREE DRESSING?

NO THANKS.
NO, THAT'S DISGUSTING.

SO, JOSH, TELL YOUR MOTHER
ABOUT THIS RIDICULOUS PLAN.

ME AND DAD ARE OPENING A
PADDLE BOAT BUSINESS IN MEXICO.

YOU'RE AS CRAZY AS HE IS!
GO HOME, JOSHUA!

THANK YOU.
LISTEN TO MOM.

YOU HAVE A GOOD LIFE.

EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS.
THEY PASS.

JUST GO HOME, JOSHUA.

YOU'LL NEVER DO BETTER
THAN YOUR WIFE.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

WAIT. LOVE DOESN'T
EVEN FACTOR INTO IT?

OH.
[ DOOR OPENS ]

OH, NO.

LET ME GUESS THE TOPIC
OF CONVERSATION -- ME.

[ SIGHS ]
OH, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

HERE WE GO.
THE MADMAN IS HERE.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU.

WELL,
YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME.

HI, TONI.
YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.

YOU'RE SO SKINNY.

STOP TRYING TO CHARM ME,
YOU MONSTER.

FRANKLY, I HAVEN'T
TALKED ABOUT YOU

FOR AS LONG
AS I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO YOU,

AND I'D LIKE
TO CONTINUE DOING BOTH.

AH, FAMILY DINNER.

WE HAVEN'T HAD ONE OF THESE
IN 30 YEARS.

WHAT DID YOU
DRAG JOSH INTO?

ONLY THE MOST TREMENDOUS,
LIFE-CHANGING

BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY
HE'S EVER HAD.

THIS IS SO TYPICAL.
YOU'LL NEVER CHANGE.

THAT'S WHY JOSH
HAD TO GO TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

W-W-W-WAIT. WHAT?

YOUR FATHER DID THE EXACT SAME
THING YOU'RE DOING.

HE TOOK ALL OUR MONEY IN CASH
AND GAVE IT TO A GUY

WHO SAID HE WAS BUILDING
AN AMUSEMENT PARK.

HE WAS
A PROFESSIONAL CLOWN.

WHAT HAPPENED?
NOTHING.

APPARENTLY, YOUR FATHER
WAS THE REAL CLOWN.

THE GUY DISAPPEARED.

I WAS DENIED AN EDUCATION
BECAUSE OF A CLOWN?

[ INHALES SHARPLY ] IT'S A TOUGH
TRUTH TO SWALLOW, BRO.

YOU WERE NEVER
A GREAT STUDENT, ANYWAY.

IT ALL LOOKED GREAT
ON PAPER.

I MEAN,
WHAT AM I GONNA TELL YOU?

THIS FOOD IS TERRIBLE.

YOU STILL HAVE ANY OF THAT
AWFUL DRESSING YOU CARRY AROUND?

THANK YOU.

A CLOWN?
YEAH, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?

PADDLEBOARDS,
AMUSEMENT PARKS --

I MEAN, WHAT'S WITH
THE RECREATION-BASED,

BAD-INVESTMENT IDEAS?

THEY WEREN'T ALL
RECREATION-BASED. THEY WERE ALL BAD.

WE HAD A LOT
OF GREAT OPPORTUNITIES,

A LOT OF GREAT
BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES

THAT WE MISSED
BECAUSE OF YOU.

HUH? THE SALMON FARM?

OH, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT
TO MOVE TO NOVA SCOTIA?

YOU DIDN'T WANT TO MOVE ANYWHERE
TO SUPPORT MY DREAMS.

YOU DESTROYED THIS FAMILY!

WAIT.
I THINK THAT WAS 50/50.

WHY DO YOU SAY
SUCH HURTFUL THINGS?

BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY WAY
TO GET YOUR ATTENTION.

THAT'S WHY I HAVE
A RAGE PROBLEM.

BAH! SHUT UP!
ALL OF YOU!

CAN I TALK?!
IS IT MY TURN YET?!

I'VE WAITED 45 YEARS
TO TALK!

I SCREWED UP MY LIFE!

I LOST THE BEST SHITTY JOB
I COULD FIND!

I'M MENTALLY DOOMED!

LOOK AT ALL OF YOU!

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
YOU'RE ALL DISASTERS!

I DON'T WANT TO BE
IN THIS FAMILY ANYMORE!

UGH!

WAAH-WAAH-WAAH.
WHAT A BABY.

THAT WAS CHILDISH.

JUST LET HIM CRY ALONE.
I ALWAYS DID.

HE'LL BE BACK.

SEE?

[ GRUNTS ]

[ HUMMING ]

I THOUGHT
YOU THREW THAT OUT.

I DID.
I PULLED IT OUT OF THE TRASH.

ISN'T IT ALL MELTED?

JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT.

IT'S LIKE A MILKSHAKE.

I HOPE THAT DUMMY
DIDN'T LOSE THAT BACKPACK.

[ KNOCK OF DOOR ]
JUST COME IN, JOSH.

HEY. OH, HI. OH.

OH, SHIT, DAVE.
HEY, MAN. WHAT'S UP?

UH, NOTHING.

I'M -- I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE HERE, RIGHT?

OH, YES. YES.
THAT'S WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.

YES, YOU'RE --
UH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
OH, FOR THE POD...CAST.

YEAH, WE'RE DOING
THE PODCAST. OKAY.

RIGHT. I KNEW
YOU WERE COMING.

UM, OH,
BEFORE I FORGET,

THERE'S A GROWN MAN
SITTING ON YOUR YARD,

HUGGING A HELLO KITTY BACKPACK
AND CRYING.

YEAH,
THAT'S MY BROTHER.

OKAY.
YEAH.

S-S-SHOULD WE DO ANY--

NO, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT HIM.

WHERE DO I KNOW YOU
FROM?

UH...I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE NEVER REALLY DONE ANYTHING
THAT OLD PEOPLE WATCH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HE'S IN THE MOVIES?

I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?
[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M SORRY. WHO? WHAT?

OH, IT'S --
THESE ARE MY PARENTS.

THIS IS MY MOM, TONI.
THIS IS MY DAD, LARRY.

IT'S DAVE CROSS --
OLD FRIEND OF MINE.

OH, MY GOD. YES.

OH, I'VE --
I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT...

WOW, OKAY.

AND THEY'RE STILL TOGETHER.
THAT'S RARE.

Both:
WE'RE NOT TOGETHER.

HE'S A MONSTER.
I COULD GO TO MY RV.

YEAH, WELL, GOOD.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRIVE IT
OFF A CLIFF? PSHT!

OH, NICE. QUICK.

YEAH. BOOM.
THAT'S WHERE I GET IT. [ CHUCKLES ]

Larry: [ GRUNTS ]
Toni: [ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, YOU'RE NOT NECESSARILY
KNOWN FOR YOUR QUICKNESS.

I MEAN, YOU'RE VERY FUNNY,
BUT YOU'RE NOT THE QUICKEST GUY.

HEY, LOOK, I-I'M SORRY
IT WAS WEIRD IN THERE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
NO, BUT I -- NO.

I'M IN THE MIDDLE
OF A SITUATION, ALL RIGHT?

MY BROTHER IS GOING THROUGH
SOME SORT OF MIDLIFE MELTDOWN.

HE SHOWS UP HERE THE OTHER DAY
WITH A BAG OF CASH.

IS YOUR BROTHER OKAY?

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I-I WAS TRYING TO TALK HIM
OFF THE LEDGE,

AND -- AND THEN, YOU KNOW,
THEY SHOWED UP,

AND NOW IT'S CRAZY TOWN.

LIKE, I'M DISTRACTED,
AND, YOU KNOW,

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD
TO YOU COMING ON.

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG
YOU'RE GONNA BE IN TOWN,

BUT -- BUT IF WE WANTED
TO DO ANOTHER DAY --

NO, NO, NO, NO.
MARC, NO.

YOU -- IN FACT, LET'S NOT
DO IT ANOTHER DAY.

LET'S DO IT RIGHT NOW, AND
LET'S DO IT WITH YOUR FAMILY.

UH, REALLY?

DUDE, I COME
FROM JEWISH-FAMILY CRAZY.

I CAN SPEAK THAT LANGUAGE.
I CAN MEDIATE.

I CAN TAKE SOME OF THE ONUS
OFF YOU.

YOU WANT TO DO,
LIKE, A GROUP THERAPY SESSION?

YES, I DO,
AND I HAVE AN IDEA.

YEAH? OKAY,
YOU HAVE A PLAN?

I DO.
ALL RIGHT, DAVE.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA DO IT.
I'M GONNA -- I'M --

YEAH,
I THINK IT'S GREAT.

I'M GONNA GO GET THEM.

I'M PSYCHED.
OKAY.

THE ONLY WAY TO CUT THROUGH
TENSION IS WITH TRUTH, YEAH?

Marc: MM-HMM.

NOW, FORTUNATELY,
I HAVE BROUGHT ALONG SOME TOOLS

THAT WILL HELP US
WITH THAT.

REALLY?
YES.

THAT --
THAT'S YOUR BIG PLAN?

YES, MARC, REALLY,
THAT'S MY PLAN.

OKAY, OKAY.

I GUESS IF THEY ALL WANT TO,
THAT'S -- ALL RIGHT, FINE.

YEAH, OKAY.

GUYS, THIS IS WEED.

YEAH, WE KNOW.

OR GRASS, I THINK YOU FOLKS
CALLED IT IN THE DAY.

YEAH, MARIJUANA.
YEAH.

OKAY, THIS
IS HINDU KUSH, OKAY?

AND IT WILL REALLY
OPEN YOU UP.

THE LAST TIME
I SMOKED THIS,

I CAME UP
WITH THE TERM "SQUEAKQUEL."

[ SLOW-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ MUSIC STOPS ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU KNOW I DON'T SMOKE.

OH, RIGHT. SORRY.
YEAH, SORRY.

UH, HERE.

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ LARRY SOBBING ]

I'M SORRY, KID.
I-I-I'M SORRY.

Marc: ON THE MIKE, DAD.
ON THE MIKE.

I'M SORRY, KID.

I'M SORRY I MISLED YOU.

THAT'S IT?
THAT'S ALL YOU GOT?

[ SIGHS ]

I, UM -- I WISH
I COULD TAKE IT ALL BACK.

I-I-I DO, BUT I CAN'T.
I-I REALLY CAN'T.

I-I-I WOULD LIKE TO SAY
THAT I WILL NE-- I WILL STOP,

UH, BUT I THINK IT'S
A LITTLE TOO LATE, THAT'S ALL.

IT'S, UH...
BUT I-I LOVE ALL OF YOU.

HOLY SHIT.

THEY SHOULD CALL THIS WEED
TRUTH SERUM.

HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT THAT?

I THINK THAT'S THE BEST
WE'RE GONNA GET OUT OF HIM.

AND I THINK
IT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH. YEAH, IT'S --
IT'S JUST SO SAD.

I'M SORRY, TOO, JOSH.

I WANT EVERYTHING GOOD
FOR YOU.

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

I'D LOVE YOU MORE
IF YOU LOST 10 POUNDS, BUT...

THAT -- THAT WAS --
THAT WAS NICE.

NOT -- NOT SURE THE --
THE LAST PART

WAS REALLY NECESSARY,
BUT, YOU KNOW.

YOU COULD LOSE 10 POUNDS
YOURSELF.

YEAH, WELCOME
TO MY CHILDHOOD.

HOW'D THAT FEEL?

HOW YOU DOING, MAN?

THIS IS PROBABLY THE LAST TIME
WE'RE ALL GONNA BE TOGETHER.

EVER.

I SHOULD GO HOME.

WHAT THE HELL
WAS I THINKING?

IT HAPPENS, MAN.

YOU JUST GOT A CASE
OF DAD BRAIN. IT'LL FADE.

I LOVE YOU, BROTHER.
THANKS.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, MAN.

[ CHUCKLES ]

DRIVE SAFE. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.

BYE.

OH, WHERE YOU GOING?

YOUR FATHER'S
GONNA SHOW ME HIS HOUSE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHO TO ADVISE AGAINST THAT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

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