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1
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[Grunts]
2
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Oh, my god.
3
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Just us now.
4
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Back to normal, right?
5
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[Meows]
6
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["The Poisoned Well" plays]
7
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♪ won't fall for it ♪
8
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♪ you can't see ♪
9
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♪ and you can't tell ♪
10
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♪ I just can't drink
from the poisoned well ♪
11
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so, my daughter just turned 5.
12
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Oh, my god. That's
amazing. And you know what?
13
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,160
You'll be very glad. She
does not look like you.
14
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,428
I'm a little disappointed.
15
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I was hoping there was an outside chance
16
00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:05,697
that I got away with that
17
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and you would introduce
me to her when she was 10,
18
00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:09,201
after all the hard stuff is done.
19
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She's very adorable.
20
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I mean, I think I... I think I
could handle maybe having a kid.
21
00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:14,673
I've thought about it. I... yeah.
22
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I love you. Yeah.
23
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And I think you're a person.
24
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And I don't...
25
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[Both laugh]
26
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No, I think I would be a good father.
27
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No. Absolutely not. Yes.
Why would you say that?
28
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You can't be selfish. You have
to think of someone else first.
29
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Your name again? [Laughs]
30
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I would be a good father now. Why?
31
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Well, what qualities do you have
32
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that you think would make you a good dad?
33
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Uh, my house is clean. I
... uh, I'm in good shape.
34
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Mm-hmm. I have a big heart.
35
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I-I enjoy their company
for a little while.
36
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:42,134
Maybe you should go on "The Bachelor."
37
00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:43,702
[Laughing] You sound really dreamy.
38
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None of that has anything
to do with being a parent.
39
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But it doesn't matter.
40
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It's not gonna happen because,
uh, you can't do it alone.
41
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You know what I'm saying?
42
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Ohh! Are you single again? I am, yes.
43
00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:55,047
What happened to that lovely little child
44
00:01:55,049 --> 00:01:56,582
that you were dating?
45
00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:58,383
It's funny you bring her up
because I did just actually
46
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throw out the last of
her toys this morning.
47
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Ohh. Yeah.
48
00:02:01,122 --> 00:02:02,321
Have you ever possibly considered
49
00:02:02,323 --> 00:02:03,655
dating someone your own age?
50
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,224
And that way, when you break up,
51
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:06,492
they take their stuff with them.
52
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:08,227
What I'm telling you
is I have not had a lot
53
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:10,229
of experience sleeping
with women my own age. Okay.
54
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,231
The best sex I've ever had was
someone who was older than me.
55
00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:14,233
Why do you have to say
that when I'm right here?
56
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:16,335
How do you know it's not you? Is it me?
57
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:17,769
I'm just saying it could be!
58
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:21,140
You're like a really
hot, angry 17-year-old,
59
00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:22,407
but the mustache is throwing me.
60
00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:24,576
How long have you had that mustache?
61
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,311
Do we have a problem with the mustache?
62
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No, I think it's fantastic.
63
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I never kissed you with a mustache.
64
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I think it would be... what?
65
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Itchy. That's not the word.
66
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That's not sexy? No.
67
00:02:35,089 --> 00:02:36,655
It would be so...
68
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Hot.
69
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,424
[Laughs]
70
00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:41,760
[Birds chirping]
71
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[Knock on door]
72
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Hey, man. Hey.
73
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What's up?
74
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Uh, thanks for coming over, man.
75
00:02:52,106 --> 00:02:53,472
Hey, buddy.
76
00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:54,773
What's the problem?
77
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:56,642
Well, it's sitting right beside you,
78
00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:58,310
all 10 pounds of it.
79
00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:01,313
Ohh. What's the deal with it?
80
00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:02,848
Nothing.
81
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:05,717
I'm just, uh... you know, I'm done with it.
82
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:08,654
I was thinking maybe you could
take it up to your cat ranch.
83
00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:11,456
What do you mean you're done with it?
84
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:14,560
I'm just not feeling the
cat anymore, you know?
85
00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:17,329
I mean, we had our time.
86
00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:19,698
Our time's over.
87
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,166
You should take it.
88
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:22,701
It's old. It's not gonna live long.
89
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:25,304
What's wrong with you? I'm
... I'm not taking your cat.
90
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:28,240
I've got two cats of my own.
I don't need another cat, Dave.
91
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:30,142
I'm trying to make my
life less complicated,
92
00:03:30,144 --> 00:03:31,577
not more complicated.
93
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,512
Oh, so you're, uh, cutting out everything
94
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:35,314
that gives you joy and affection?
95
00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:37,516
Yeah, you're not well, man.
96
00:03:37,518 --> 00:03:38,850
Yeah, I see what you're doing there.
97
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,519
You're doing to me what
you did to this cat.
98
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You're draining me of my life force.
99
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,488
I'm feeling exhausted.
100
00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:45,724
I'm just trying to make
my life simpler. Get it?
101
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,392
How's that going?
102
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,827
Good.
103
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,662
I'm thinking about having
sex with Caroline rhea.
104
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,197
[Laughing] Really?
105
00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:53,865
Why?
106
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:56,435
Why not? It would be totally uncomplicated.
107
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You know, I'm older. I'm wiser.
108
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I'm less prone to bullshit.
109
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,707
We used to mess around back in the day.
110
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,375
It would be like putting on an old shoe.
111
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:06,411
Oh, that's a terrible
description of a vagina.
112
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:09,181
Yeah. How do vaginas hold up, generally?
113
00:04:09,183 --> 00:04:12,351
Good. Those things are built
like fords were in the '50s.
114
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I don't know. It might be weird, though.
115
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It's been a long time
since I had sex with her.
116
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:17,456
Yeah, it would be a little different,
117
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like a crazy time hole.
118
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She's in town?
119
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:24,630
Yeah, she's here doing network
meetings for a few days.
120
00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,398
Oh. Aww.
121
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,301
Yeah. Pet that thing.
You feel the fur on that?
122
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I'm not taking the cat.
123
00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:33,872
Caroline: I think, actually, the
best sex is with people your own age
124
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:35,774
'cause you actually both know
what you're doing at that point.
125
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,876
Even... even if you get to
the point where the orderly
126
00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:39,544
has to put one body
on top of the other,
127
00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:41,780
I think there's still
pleasure to be had.
128
00:04:45,385 --> 00:04:49,788
[Keypad beeping]
129
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:52,257
[Telephone rings]
130
00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:53,458
Caroline: Hello?
131
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:56,228
Hey. Hi. It's Marc Maron.
132
00:04:56,230 --> 00:04:58,230
Do you want to, uh... you
want to get together tonight?
133
00:04:58,232 --> 00:04:59,731
You want to maybe have dinner or something?
134
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,600
Uh, yeah. Bring condoms.
135
00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:03,568
Really? Yes.
136
00:05:03,570 --> 00:05:04,903
We've obviously both been thinking about it
137
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,405
since the podcast, and we both want to.
138
00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:08,507
Yeah? Yeah. It'll be fun.
139
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:09,975
Come over. Let's do it.
140
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:13,045
Okay, all right. All right.
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
141
00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:27,292
Hi. Hi.
142
00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:29,361
You know what? Can we skip
dinner and just have sex?
143
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:31,430
'Cause I have to get up
really early in the morning.
144
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,265
Yeah, yeah, I'm good with that. Okay.
145
00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:34,800
Okay.
146
00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:36,368
You want to do it on the bed?
147
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:39,604
Uh, yeah, I think the bed
would be easier for me.
148
00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:41,840
I have a little bit of a back thing.
149
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,276
And I should probably see
the doctor, but, you know...
150
00:05:44,278 --> 00:05:45,544
Can you take off your watch, please?
151
00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:47,279
Can I take off my shoes, please?
152
00:05:47,281 --> 00:05:49,614
Okay. Can you take off your
pants, then, and your belt, too?
153
00:05:49,616 --> 00:05:50,882
Yeah, I'm gonna do it all.
154
00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:52,884
I have to be naked for this.
155
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:55,454
It's not my first time at the rodeo.
156
00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,022
I'm glad you're gonna be naked for this.
157
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,523
[Laughing] What?
158
00:05:58,525 --> 00:05:59,791
I like your, uh, boxers.
159
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,626
They make me want to play the bagpipe.
160
00:06:01,628 --> 00:06:02,961
Well, you're in luck.
161
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,496
All right, so, what do you want me to do?
162
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,031
Just get on top and get into it?
163
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,833
Or do you want to do a little
oral first, or how we gonna...
164
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:10,635
Okay, um, I'll do oral, but no swallow,
165
00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:12,003
and then you should be on top
166
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:14,306
because I have no meniscus in my left knee.
167
00:06:14,308 --> 00:06:16,308
Okay, I... I can work with that.
168
00:06:16,310 --> 00:06:18,043
That sounds good. All right, okay. Get in.
169
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:20,312
Okay. You must have very low
cholesterol. You look good.
170
00:06:20,314 --> 00:06:21,646
I haven't had it tested.
I should get it tested.
171
00:06:21,648 --> 00:06:22,848
How's your blood pressure?
172
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:24,349
Low. Really?
173
00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:25,550
Yeah, generally.
174
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:27,486
Okay. Here we go. All right.
175
00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:28,987
Wow, I'm so glad you left your socks on.
176
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,422
And don't touch my hair.
177
00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:31,590
What can I touch? Can I touch this?
178
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,325
No. No. How about these?
179
00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:34,860
What about here? What about... ohh, stop!
180
00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:35,994
[Laughs]
181
00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:42,734
Well, that was great, just like old times.
182
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,736
Got right back into it.
183
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,905
Mm.
184
00:06:49,008 --> 00:06:51,510
Uh, w-what are you doing?
185
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:55,514
No, I don't need you to touch
me unless we're having sex.
186
00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:56,681
[Yawns]
187
00:06:56,683 --> 00:06:59,084
Okay, I get it.
188
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,887
[Groans]
189
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:03,622
What are you doing?
190
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:05,357
Going to sleep.
191
00:07:05,359 --> 00:07:06,758
Oh, you can't sleep here.
192
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,460
No, I have to get up
really early in the morning,
193
00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:10,362
and I really want to sleep alone.
194
00:07:10,364 --> 00:07:12,531
Really? Yes.
195
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,966
[Sighs]
196
00:07:17,904 --> 00:07:20,872
Okay.
197
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:23,909
Uh-huh. Now this is weird.
198
00:07:23,911 --> 00:07:25,977
Oh, grow up!
199
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:27,813
You know you're gonna sleep
better in your own bed,
200
00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:29,114
and you have to feed your cats and...
201
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,116
All right, I guess.
202
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:33,585
Oh, and by the way, they don't validate.
203
00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:36,488
There's a lot of that going around tonight.
204
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:40,992
[Thud]
205
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:45,397
[Cat meowing]
206
00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:46,765
What? [Cat meows]
207
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,099
What?
208
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,901
[Meows]
209
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,736
Ah, come on, man.
210
00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:56,842
[Meows] Ah, great.
211
00:07:56,844 --> 00:07:59,010
What am I gonna do with you, buddy?
212
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:02,647
No offense. I'm just not
prepared to take in another cat.
213
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:05,584
And your owner's a cock. [Meows]
214
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,752
Dave? Dave?
215
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:09,988
Yeah. I don't think we have
this kind of relationship.
216
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,490
What is wrong with you?
217
00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:12,757
Look, it happens.
218
00:08:12,759 --> 00:08:14,493
Jen doesn't live with you anymore, right?
219
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:16,127
Not the same thing, all right?
220
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:18,463
We're humans who were
involved in a relationship...
221
00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:21,433
Sentient beings with
emotions, needs, and desires.
222
00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:22,767
And I broke up with my cat.
223
00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:25,003
There is something deeply wrong with you.
224
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,939
It's like you lack human insides.
225
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:29,841
[Sighs] What... because I understand
226
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,776
when a relationship has run its course?
227
00:08:31,778 --> 00:08:33,111
It's a cat, Dave.
228
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,880
Yeah.
229
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,649
I'm sorry, buddy. I'm frazzled.
230
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:40,619
Caroline and I did it, and it was great.
231
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:43,054
It was just like I imagined casual sex.
232
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:45,190
And then it... then it got... it got weird.
233
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:46,791
What's weird?
234
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:49,961
Well [Sighs] she... She
wouldn't let me sleep
235
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,796
in the hotel room with her.
236
00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:54,900
That's what you two agreed
upon. That's what casual sex is.
237
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:56,968
You're friends, and then you have sex,
238
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,871
and then you immediately go
back to just being friends.
239
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:04,042
Yeah, I know, but it's
just... Very detached.
240
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,578
If I was visiting and you
and I went out one night
241
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:08,580
and went to a show and had a good time,
242
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:10,081
are you gonna want to
come back to my hotel room
243
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,216
and sleep in my bed with me?
244
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,517
I mean, we're friends.
245
00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:13,818
Wait. Do we have sex?
246
00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:15,554
Because... god forbid that happened...
247
00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:17,088
I would definitely need you to hold me.
248
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:20,992
Okay, no sex... just cuddling,
249
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:23,562
like a hardcore sad-man cuddling.
250
00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:26,498
Yeah. I mean, I get what you're saying.
251
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:27,999
I-I don't know why I'm so tweaked out.
252
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:30,068
It was just... she was so
matter-of-fact about it.
253
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,670
I mean, you should have seen her.
254
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:34,005
It was just like, "yeah, go now."
255
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,874
[Chuckling] Yeah.
256
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,509
She's like that.
257
00:09:37,511 --> 00:09:38,710
What are you talking about?
258
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:40,045
When you have sex with her.
259
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:41,913
She's done with you the minute it's over.
260
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,748
She's always been like that.
261
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,584
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.
You had sex with Caroline rhea?
262
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:47,953
Oh, yeah. Lots.
263
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:50,689
I mean, you know, 20 years ago,
264
00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:53,525
super casuals,
booty-call-type thing.
265
00:09:53,527 --> 00:09:55,727
Wait. Wait. Wait. That was
like when I was doing it.
266
00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:57,228
I mean, when are you talking about?
267
00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,164
Right after you.
268
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:03,068
Oh, and a little... a little before.
269
00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:04,736
You didn't think to tell me this?
270
00:10:04,738 --> 00:10:06,237
I mean, I was sitting right there,
271
00:10:06,239 --> 00:10:08,907
looking you in the face,
telling you I was thinking
272
00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:10,609
about having sex with Caroline rhea.
273
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,210
Nothing? You didn't think to mention it?
274
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,646
No.
275
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:16,948
That's it?
276
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,951
Why do you give a shit about this?
277
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,886
You're right. You're right.
278
00:10:21,888 --> 00:10:23,121
I don't.
279
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:25,223
I can tell. Yeah.
280
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:27,225
Stop with the cat.
281
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:28,793
All right? Yeah.
282
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,161
Got it? Good talk.
283
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:32,197
No more cat. Yeah.
284
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,801
[Indistinct conversations]
285
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,644
[Laughter]
286
00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:47,579
Caroline: No matter what I do
or say, she's always like this...
287
00:10:47,581 --> 00:10:50,749
"Again! Again, mommy! Again!"
288
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,651
I'm like, "no, I don't
... I don't want a redo."
289
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:53,985
You better start it."
290
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,754
"Again!"
291
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,255
Bossy.
292
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:59,257
We were trying to figure out a middle name.
293
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:01,660
Her... her name is Ava Rhea Economopoulos.
294
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,294
And then we were trying
to think of a middle name
295
00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:05,096
before we settled on "rhea,"
and someone suggested "Lily."
296
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,032
And I'm like, "no, that's
a total pole-dancer name."
297
00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:09,768
And she already does this weird
thing whenever she wants candy.
298
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,636
She's like, "mommy, do we have any candy?"
299
00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:14,773
[Laughter]
300
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,608
Marc: That was a good crowd, right? Yeah.
301
00:11:16,610 --> 00:11:17,976
Caroline: Oh, so it wasn't
me? It was just the crowd?
302
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:19,344
[Monotone] No, you were very funny.
303
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:20,945
I love you. You're always funny.
304
00:11:20,947 --> 00:11:22,681
You're the greatest
comedian I've ever seen.
305
00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:24,783
You know what? Now it sounds insincere.
306
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:26,985
No, it was good. You were
good. No, it was good.
307
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:29,120
Thank you. Yeah. You're still funny...
308
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:31,222
Mm.... I mean, even after all these years.
309
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:33,692
Wow. Wow. Nice almost compliment.
310
00:11:33,694 --> 00:11:36,194
It's great, the way you've stayed in...
311
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,796
Not great shape, Dave.
312
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:40,131
Mm-hmm. All right, I got to hit it.
313
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,067
What? Where you going? You have a set now?
314
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:43,802
It's a little late, isn't it?
315
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:47,305
Yeah, I got 10 minutes over
at the, uh, laundromat show.
316
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:49,207
Ooh. Oh. Good bragging.
317
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,375
No, it's actually a good show
318
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,143
for people who aren't really known.
319
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:53,978
Yeah. Are you catering it? [Clicks tongue]
320
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:56,047
[Sighs] So, what are...
What are... what's going on?
321
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,649
What are you... what are you doing?
322
00:11:57,651 --> 00:11:59,651
Um, I'm going back to the hotel. Mm-hmm.
323
00:11:59,653 --> 00:12:01,686
And I have to get up early,
so I am going to go to sleep.
324
00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:04,723
Do you need any, uh, help with that?
325
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,157
Are you gonna read to me from your book?
326
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:07,726
Oh, come on!
327
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:10,161
No strings. Let's just do it again.
328
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:11,663
We'll do it. I'll get up.
329
00:12:11,665 --> 00:12:13,364
I'll put my pants on. I'll leave.
330
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:15,934
I won't even glance at you when I walk out.
331
00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:17,402
I totally believe you because I know
332
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,170
you're gonna be at your own house.
333
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,172
[Sighs] All right, so, how
about next time you're in town?
334
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,240
Maybe we hang out?
335
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,008
Yes, maybe.
336
00:12:24,010 --> 00:12:25,343
Mwah!
337
00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:27,412
Really? On the forehead?
338
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,847
Unbelievable.
339
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:31,916
Okay, nice seeing you.
340
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,189
[Cat meows]
341
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:40,225
Aw, come on!
342
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:41,793
[Meows]
343
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,194
[Sighs]
344
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:45,263
Hey, buddy.
345
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:57,208
Oh, no.
346
00:12:57,210 --> 00:13:00,111
I'm an idiot.
347
00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:04,949
[Sighs]
348
00:13:12,391 --> 00:13:14,292
[Sniffs]
349
00:13:15,227 --> 00:13:18,062
Oh, my god. What? Why are you lying to me?
350
00:13:18,064 --> 00:13:19,430
Dave dropped off the cat,
and he came over here.
351
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:20,832
I know it.
352
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:23,234
Oh, you are adorable in the morning.
353
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,903
Why wouldn't you have had sex with me
354
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,271
unless you were doing it with him?
355
00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:28,339
Tell me I'm right. I
know I'm right. I'm right.
356
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:29,908
No. I was tired.
357
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:32,744
I had a headache. I slept alone, all alone!
358
00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:33,845
That's it.
359
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:34,846
[Toilet flushes] Really?
360
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,748
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
361
00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:38,082
Hey. What's up?
362
00:13:39,919 --> 00:13:40,985
You couldn't have stayed in the bathroom
363
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,420
for five minutes?
364
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,489
I was talking super-loud
so that you would hear me.
365
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:47,358
No, I heard. I was just, you know, done.
366
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,761
Oh. Ugh!
367
00:13:49,763 --> 00:13:51,196
What? That's it?
368
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:53,031
You're just gonna scold
him for not being deceitful?
369
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,465
Thank you. Shut up.
370
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:56,968
Why does he get to sleep over and I don't?
371
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,269
Because he's well-trained.
372
00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,038
He doesn't touch me during the night.
373
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,506
He barely speaks in the morning.
374
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,041
It's as if I'm almost alone.
375
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,309
That's how you do it.
376
00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:06,945
You just shut down the
emotions, like a monk.
377
00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:08,780
Yeah, or a monster.
378
00:14:08,782 --> 00:14:11,883
No. Like a monk... a sex monk.
379
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:13,852
Ugh. Either way, it gets the job done.
380
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:15,053
You know what? I think I liked it better
381
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,321
when you weren't talking.
382
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,456
Oh, what is this now,
some territorial shit?
383
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:20,792
Is this your bed? Is this your area?
384
00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:23,027
Do you want to pee around the room now?
385
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:26,164
Or I'm just sitting where it's comfortable.
386
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:27,365
I don't understand why
neither of you told me
387
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,533
you were screwing.
388
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,468
I mean, why wouldn't you tell me?
389
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:33,304
Because we both knew that you
would respond exactly this way.
390
00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:35,139
I thought we had something.
391
00:14:35,141 --> 00:14:37,375
But that something was
supposed to be nothing,
392
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,878
and now you're yelling
at me in my hotel room.
393
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:41,479
What does "nothing" mean?
394
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,481
You know what? I can't do this anymore.
395
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:45,149
I have to go to the airport.
396
00:14:45,151 --> 00:14:46,317
Oh, yeah, just cut out.
397
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,186
[Sighs] We haven't resolved this.
398
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:49,854
I have resolved this. You haven't.
399
00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:51,055
We had half a good time.
400
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,957
Dave, call me when you get to New York.
401
00:14:54,526 --> 00:14:56,327
I need closure.
402
00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:57,962
I think that was closure.
403
00:14:59,365 --> 00:15:01,232
Oh, you're mad at me?
404
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,333
I don't know. Maybe.
405
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:04,002
Yeah? No? What? I don't know.
406
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:06,170
I get it. We're not kids anymore.
407
00:15:06,172 --> 00:15:07,939
I get it. And... and there was...
408
00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:09,340
There was nothing on the line here.
409
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,441
Oh, definitely.
410
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:12,076
I could tell by the way you barged in
411
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,511
and started yelling there
was nothing on the line.
412
00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:16,180
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
413
00:15:16,182 --> 00:15:17,515
You know, you got to more like...
414
00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:19,117
Don't say "sex monk."
415
00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:33,431
[Cat meows] Oh, shit.
416
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,100
[Groans]
417
00:15:38,570 --> 00:15:40,471
[Cat meowing]
418
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:41,940
Hey.
419
00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:44,242
Hey, buddy.
420
00:15:44,244 --> 00:15:46,611
Still breathing, huh? That's good.
421
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,446
I'm gonna take you to a guy,
422
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:51,082
and we'll get you fixed up, all right?
423
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:52,984
Now, just hang in there, buddy.
424
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,585
[Groans]
425
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,421
Oh, man.
426
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,189
[Sighs]
427
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,563
Veterinarian: I'm afraid
it's not good news.
428
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:07,231
She has acute renal failure.
429
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:08,599
It's pretty far along,
430
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:11,002
and at this stage, I
recommend she be put down.
431
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:13,571
Oh, Jesus. Really?
432
00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:15,273
[Dog barking] Unfortunately.
433
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:17,141
She's at the point now where
she's only gonna suffer.
434
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:19,510
I thought it was a he.
435
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:20,611
I'm sorry?
436
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,246
I don't know.
437
00:16:22,248 --> 00:16:24,282
Just, uh... I guess I
judged her or something,
438
00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:26,584
but I thought 'cause it
was so fat, it was a he.
439
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:29,620
But now I know it's just a... a fat girl,
440
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:31,322
it makes me more sad.
441
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:33,992
How... how long have you had her?
442
00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:35,293
Just a day.
443
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,428
I mean, my friend dumped her at my place,
444
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:40,031
said he was done with
her, said they broke up.
445
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:41,265
"Broke up"?
446
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,334
It's not that kind of relationship.
447
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:46,137
[Scoffs] What am I gonna
do with these feelings, man?
448
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:49,507
I mean, I hardly know this
cat, and I'm... I'm just sad.
449
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,442
I mean, it seems like a nice cat.
450
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,111
Probably had a good life,
451
00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,645
as good a life as you can have
452
00:16:54,647 --> 00:16:56,381
with an owner who's an emotional husk.
453
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:59,517
I mean, who the hell does
that... breaks up with a cat?
454
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,119
I've never heard of that.
455
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,453
Right? Okay. So it's not just me.
456
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:04,022
You can't just break up with animals.
457
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:06,624
No. No, y-you can't.
458
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:09,160
Oh, look at that guy... girl.
459
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,129
[Sighs]
460
00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:12,764
So, how would you like to proceed?
461
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,968
[Sighs]
462
00:17:16,970 --> 00:17:18,202
Sir?
463
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,138
What? I don't know.
464
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:24,142
I guess we'll call... I'll call the owner,
465
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:27,311
tell him his cat is
dying... his former cat.
466
00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:29,580
You see, this whole thing has gotten
467
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:32,050
the current ownership
situation very convoluted.
468
00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,584
Sir.
469
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:36,220
Okay, I'll call.
470
00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:37,655
Will you watch the cat?
471
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:40,558
Yeah.
472
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,493
You're not a fat girl.
473
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:45,329
No, you're not.
474
00:17:45,331 --> 00:17:48,733
[ Indistinct shouting, video-game
music playing] [Cellphone ringing]
475
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,034
[TV volume decreases]
476
00:17:50,036 --> 00:17:51,502
[Keypad beeps] What's up?
477
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,504
Marc: It's not good,
man. You know, I got home.
478
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:55,706
I found the cat on the dining-room floor.
479
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,542
It... it... it was barely breathing.
480
00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,744
It peed itself... like,
the... the works, dude.
481
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,179
I mean, I'm at the vet.
482
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:02,580
He says it has to be put down.
483
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,682
Her name's Rushmore.
484
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:06,250
Oh, okay, great. That's very helpful.
485
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:07,685
I'm glad to know that.
486
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,254
Well, Rushmore needs to be put down.
487
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:13,024
Huh. Okay.
488
00:18:13,026 --> 00:18:15,359
Wait. What do you mean, "okay"?
Are you coming down here?
489
00:18:15,361 --> 00:18:17,128
Uh... Okay.
490
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:18,362
You know what?
491
00:18:18,364 --> 00:18:20,231
I guess I could, if that's what you want.
492
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:22,066
Yeah, that... that... that's what I want.
493
00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:25,570
You gave me a dying cat,
and I have to put it down.
494
00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:29,207
I'd like you to be here to help
me deal with your problem.
495
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:30,608
Yeah, all right.
496
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,477
I-I was supposed to
have lunch with someone,
497
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:35,213
but I guess, you know,
I could squeeze this in.
498
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:36,714
Oh, great. Okay. Well, you know what?
499
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:38,116
I'll text you the address, sociopath.
500
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:39,317
How would that be?
501
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:40,551
Okay, cool.
502
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,320
[Keypad beeps]
503
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:45,156
It's weird. I don't
know what to say to you.
504
00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:47,225
I-I just don't know how to deal
505
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:49,560
with meeting somebody
and then killing them.
506
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:51,629
It's not really my thing.
507
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:58,302
Ah, she looks okay.
508
00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,504
What are you talking about?
509
00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:01,172
I found a barely living cat...
510
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:03,141
Your cat, all right?... Covered in urine.
511
00:19:03,143 --> 00:19:04,275
I take her to the vet.
512
00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:05,610
He says she's too far gone,
513
00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:07,645
and you're gonna come
in here and drop that?
514
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,747
I'm sorry. I didn't
really know what to say.
515
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,582
How are you not more upset about this?
516
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:12,817
I mean, this is a nice cat,
517
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,785
and you're acting like
it wasn't even yours.
518
00:19:14,787 --> 00:19:17,255
Well, maybe it's 'cause
she was my cat for so long.
519
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:19,357
No, that's not it. I know.
520
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:23,194
It's because you are a human
being beyond repair, Dave.
521
00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:25,596
Veterinarian: Uh, Mr. Maron?
522
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:27,131
[Sighs]
523
00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:28,466
All right, Rushmore.
524
00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:30,801
Sorry it had to happen like this.
525
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,537
You deserve better.
526
00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:34,472
All right. Let's do this.
527
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:37,175
I'm not going in there. Too emotional.
528
00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:39,443
She had a good run, long life.
529
00:19:39,445 --> 00:19:43,147
I mean, most of it, we
enjoyed each other's company.
530
00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:46,517
Things got a little...
Weird the last year or so,
531
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:50,188
but, overall, she had a pretty
sweet cat ride the whole way.
532
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:52,690
I-it's... it's wrong to
send her off with you.
533
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,359
I mean, the last thing she's gonna see
534
00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:56,727
are your vacant eyes?
535
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,696
You want me to wink or something?
536
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,164
Oh, a joke now? Really?
537
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,465
Too soon? Yeah?
538
00:20:01,467 --> 00:20:02,667
Yeah, I think so. Yeah? Okay.
539
00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:04,135
Maybe he should put you down, too.
540
00:20:04,137 --> 00:20:06,404
How would that be?
541
00:20:12,744 --> 00:20:14,512
How'd it go?
542
00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:17,248
Good. I guess.
543
00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:21,852
I took a vine of it right at the end,
544
00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:23,688
just as she was squeezing
her last breath out.
545
00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:25,323
What?!
546
00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:27,158
And perfect ending.
547
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,393
Oh, I am gonna send this to my ex.
548
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:30,861
Dude, what is wrong with you, man?
549
00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:32,663
I mean, how can you be so cold-blooded?
550
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,365
You had that cat for like 12 years.
551
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:36,267
That's like, what, a quarter of your life?
552
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:37,868
That's a lot of time.
553
00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:39,837
I mean, what, I cared more
about that cat than you did.
554
00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:42,173
Yeah, that's why I wanted
her to live with you...
555
00:20:42,175 --> 00:20:44,242
Because you get, like,
weirdly attached to things.
556
00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:46,677
Oh, you mean like
normally attached to things?
557
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,179
Oh. Okay.
558
00:20:48,181 --> 00:20:49,447
Don't send that.
559
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,453
Don't tweet it, either.
560
00:20:56,455 --> 00:21:00,191
What is wrong with you?
561
00:21:00,193 --> 00:21:02,593
You used to be fun.
562
00:21:05,230 --> 00:21:07,932
Marc: Okay, so, I'm getting
more emotional over the years.
563
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:10,234
I used to think it was a bad thing,
564
00:21:10,236 --> 00:21:12,270
like it was holding me back.
565
00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:13,537
From what?
566
00:21:13,539 --> 00:21:15,306
Living.
567
00:21:15,308 --> 00:21:17,441
I mean, I've seen the
opposite, and it's a lot worse.
568
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:19,577
At some point, detachment just gets creepy
569
00:21:19,579 --> 00:21:20,811
and somewhat frightening.
570
00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:22,446
I'm accepting who I am.
571
00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:24,649
Being too emotional is not a weakness.
572
00:21:24,651 --> 00:21:26,317
It's not a fault.
573
00:21:26,319 --> 00:21:27,785
I mean, I used to fight it,
574
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:30,221
pretend it wasn't there,
but I can't anymore.
575
00:21:30,223 --> 00:21:31,722
It's just what I am.
576
00:21:31,724 --> 00:21:34,659
I mean, look, I... I cry at
movies. I mean, stupid movies.
577
00:21:34,661 --> 00:21:36,827
Sometimes I'll even cry at commercials.
578
00:21:36,829 --> 00:21:38,562
I'm not... I'm not gonna fight it anymore.
579
00:21:38,564 --> 00:21:39,930
Maybe I'll just start crying everywhere,
580
00:21:39,932 --> 00:21:41,399
maybe like when they...
581
00:21:41,401 --> 00:21:42,900
When they clear my plate at a restaurant.
582
00:21:42,902 --> 00:21:44,935
I mean, it's not the best
way to look at the world,
583
00:21:44,937 --> 00:21:47,738
but, hey... I don't know...
maybe it's my new hook.
584
00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:49,640
"I love this guy, honey. It's a great show.
585
00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:51,909
"He'll cry at the end. Every
time, just starts crying.
586
00:21:51,911 --> 00:21:54,912
The crying guy."
41920
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