All language subtitles for Maron s02e04 The Mom Situation.eng

- corrected by lml -
- www.addic7ed.com -

The cruise had a spa,
a nightclub, a casino,

and a lot of D.I.Y. classes.

I hope you like chunky jewelry.

I see your ex-wife took
all the good furniture.

Maybe it's time to buy
something nice.

Yeah, well, you know,

a phone call from a dock
in long beach

didn't really give me time to,
you know, clean up.

I wanted to surprise you.

If I'd given you
any more notice,

you'd have made up an excuse
on how to get out of town.

That is not true, necessarily.

[Chuckling] Oh, yeah.
"Necessarily."

You remember when I told you
about my friend Pammy?

"She fell off her bike
in the spin class" Pammy.

Do you ever listen to anything
I say to you on the phone?

Oh, yeah, I remember.

Pammy -- she fell off her bike
and hurt herself.

"Hurt herself"? She died.
- Oh.

She was 5 years younger
and 18 pounds thinner than me.

Well, you never know
when this could happen.

That's why I got to enjoy
every second.

That's why I had my boobs
redone,

booked that tour, and made
an appointment to come see you.

W-wait. "Redone"?

You mean you
had them done before?

Well, you didn't think
your mother

had a naturally perfect
bust line, did you?

Yeah, mom, actually, I did.
- Well, thank you.

Just another thing about
my childhood that wasn't real.

Oh, boohoo.

Toni, Toni, Toni.

Hola. [Chuckles]

Marc said you were just
on a cruise in Mexico,

so I made us some refreshing
watermelon agua frescas.

Ugh, don't say it like that.
- Oh.

I feel like I know you already.
[Sighs]

Who is this?
- Kyle.

"Sheila from Boca's grandson"
Kyle.

You're friends
with his grandmother.

That's the whole reason
I hired him.

Whoa, come on. [Chuckles]
Not the whole reason.

He and I just kind of clicked
in the interview.

It was magic, you know?

That doesn't ring any bells.

No, Kyle --
Kyle's great, actually.

He's a --
he's a real character.

You know, he's got
some great stories about stuff.

[Sighs] Oh, my God.
Thank you, Marc.

I think you're pretty special,
too, man.

Well, that's wonderful.

I think this drink is very special,
but I got to go to the bathroom.

Oh. Okay.

Let's talk about where
we want to go to dinner tonight.

Yeah.

You really like my stories?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
They're riveting.

You should come to dinner
with us tonight.

No.

Um, you -- you guys probably
have so much catching up to do.

I insist.
- I really shouldn't.

Come on!
[Toilet flushes]

I have tickets
to Patton Oswalt.

Patton Oswalt?

Sorry.

Marc, your hand towels
are a little shabby.

Maybe we could go
to Bloomingdale's tonight

after dinner
and make a night of it.

Well, that sounds fun.

I'll remember this... Traitor.

["The poisoned well" plays]

[Strums guitar]

Ta-da.

Wow.

I didn't know
you were getting all dressed up.

I just thought we were going
down the street for paninis.

Oh, let's go into Hollywood.

I feel like
being a dumb tourist.

I want to bump
into Richard Gere.

Maybe the Chateau Marmont
or Mr Chow's.

Come on.
You don't eat. I don't drink.

We're gonna drop 20 bucks
on parking to sit at a table

and have a waiter resent us?

I just want to have
a little fun.

No, I get it. I get it.

You're living life
to its fullest.

But, uh, I got to record a bunch
of intros in the morning,

and -- and quite honestly, mom,

it's just not
the best weekend for me.

That's why
I'm staying the week.

A week? What does that mean?

No need to go out of your way.

I just want to see
what your life is like now.

I want to see your hangouts.

I want to -- I want to be part
of your day-to-day.

Well, my day-to-day
doesn't include

overcrowded
Hollywood restaurants.

Fine. We'll go to
one of your local spots.

Any quiet, little
hole in the wall

where we can sit back
and catch up is fine with me.

[Inhales deeply]

Okay.

We'll go to Mr Chow.

I was exhausted before they even
brought the bread out.

She had the waiter take a picture
of us with George Hamilton,

and I still think it was
just some guy with skin cancer.

Ah, the coffee chick
wants to bang me.

She dotted the "I"
with a little heart.

There's no "I" in "Dave."

Who the hell is Ivan?

It's my coffee-cup alias,

you know, in case we do bang,
so we don't get too close.

Oh, well, don't worry about it,
grown man with pinkeye.

How'd you get pinkeye?

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Just continue being
the grown man

complaining about his mommy.

All right, well, this morning,

she wanted to go power walking
around the neighborhood.

Power walking?
I don't even know what that is.

I don't think I can handle
six days of this, man.

Dude, stop being such a baby.

You know, that's nothing.

My dad's living with me.

What? I thought
you hated your dad.

Yeah, he just showed up
at the door one day,

something about
selling the house

because the memories
of mom dying are too painful.

Look, she's my mom.
You don't see me crying.

Nice.

So, what are you gonna
do with him?

I'm trying to push him
to get a condo,

but, you know, we're
talking about a guy

that could kill a whole weekend
buying a pair of slacks.

Wait a minute.

What are you doing
for dinner tonight?

Together? Nothing.

When I see him in the kitchen,
I don't make eye contact.

Bring him over. I'll grill
some T-bones, all right?

It'd be helping me out --

give my mother someone
to spin her wheels with.

I need a buffer, man. Come on.

Yeah, okay, but my dad's
not a ton of fun.

That's shocking.

Uh, do you get along
with your mother?

Wow, uh --
- Yeah.

[Laughs] You're just gonna dive

into the emotional deep end right there.
- Yeah.

Well, no, I have an agenda.
I'm trying to relate to you.

I mean, you're --
you're ex-marine.

[Chuckling] Right.
- You served overseas.

My mother's in town,

and that's sort of like
my Afghanistan.

I m-- I know I don't want
to be disrespectful.

That might be an overstatement,

but I am trying to connect
on some level.

Wow. A neurotic Jewish man
with mother issues.

This is good. No, go, go. Go on.
I want to hear.

All right, okay, I will.
Well, I love her.

Well, I think I love her.
Is that important to the story?

H-here -- here's what I'm
saying, is that she's here.

She just dropped in

because she wants to knock me
off her bonding bucket list,

and, quite frankly,
I-I've got other shit to do.

Of course you do. I mean, those cats
aren't gonna feed themselves, right?

Okay, yeah. Yeah. [Chuckles]

That's -- that's -- all right.

So, back to the point --
your mother doesn't annoy you?

No, actually,
we get along pretty well.

I mean, my mom and my sister

were always my best audience.

Oh, no, man.
You're frustrating me.

You're just way too
well-adjusted for a comedy guy.

I think the reason
I get along with my mother

is because I'm a parent now,
too, you know?

So I can see
the other side, you know?

Okay, sure, I understand
what you're saying --

that I can't be
a fulfilled or complete person

unless I have a baby.

That's -- that's what I heard.

Wow.

Uh, that, or you could
stop being a baby.

Good one.
I walked right into that one.

Little bit.
- Yeah, that was -- that was a good play.

Yeah.
- She's your mother, all right?

She -- she...Birthed you

in a marathon
of pain and bodily fluids.

Just cut her some slack.

This was a great idea, Marc.

Okay, steaks will be done in a few minutes.
Toni: Mmm.

No one touched the guac.
I made that fresh this morning.

I would never.
It's the worst kind of fat.

Allergy.

No guac.

Hey, that's something
you guys have in common.

Yeah, that and they'll
both be dead in 20 years.

[Chuckles]

That's a joke.

You'll have to excuse my son.

He mistakes being crude
and moronic for comedy.

Well, now I understand
why they're friends.

I've never been a big fan
of Marc's humor.

Well, it's a good thing
he's not here to hear that.

I always used to tell him,
"who wants to pay to see someone

be morbid in front
of a microphone?"

Exactly.

Would it kill either one of you
to write some jokes?

Some voices, some impressions.

Like Foster Brooks.
- Hm.

You remember him?

[As Foster Brooks]
No, I don't think so.

[Both laugh]
That's just like him.

[Normal voice] Oh, I wish Dave would
just get his realtor's license.

You can use the same head shot.
- Ha.

Oh, I wish Marc had something
to fall back on.

I have things to fall back on.

Uh, you know, I could --
I could teach.

Sweetheart, teach what?

How to make jokes
about your cat 101?

[Chuckling]
Funny! So funny!

Yeah, you like that one?
- That was okay.

You two knuckleheads
should be taking notes.

[Laughing] Oh, yeah.

Oh, my goodness.
[Laughs]

Hey, you know
what would be fun?

Grabbing some ice cream.

We passed a place
just a couple blocks away.

I'm game.

[Laughs]

Yeah, I'm gonna go home.

I want to experience
my apartment without him there.

[Sighs]
Oh.

Yeah, you two go.
I'll take him back. Have fun.

David sr.: Yeah. [Laughs]
Toni: Okay.

I think that went pretty well.

I'm not really a good judge.

My dad experiencing joy
upsets me.

Oh, you're sure
you won't join us for breakfast?

Oh, no, no, no. You guys go.

The buffet at Cheddar's
has the world's best frittata.

Yeah, no one gives a shit, dad.

Okay.

See you soon.
- Well, not too soon, mom.

You're gonna be
on the westside.

You should go to
the Venice boardwalk --

a lot of good people-watching
down there.

That's where
they filmed "Fletch."

Great.

All right.
Four days down, three to go.

Your dad's coming in handy.

Yeah.

Maybe my dad will relocate
to Florida with your mom.

Huh? We can be like brothers.

Let's not go crazy.

The Menendez brothers.

Okay.

Hey, hold up.

You want to, uh, go in,
kick it bro-style? [Sighs]

Ehh.
- Yeah?

Shit, that idiot TiVo'd
over my "Lockups"

with his "Fox & Friends."

What the hell is that smell?
Do you smell that?

Like a three-day-old
tuna-fish sandwich?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, my dad was annoying me,

so I put one in the heater vent
in his room.

I've been pretending
like I can't smell it.

It's driving him nuts.
- Oh.

You know, it's fun not being
the most bitter guy in the room.

[Telephone ringing]

Hey, Jim Rockford,
it's your landline.

Uh, yeah, that is the number
that Ivan gives out

to chicks at coffee shops.

Uh-huh.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Dave.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Oh, you know what?

I think you want to talk
to my, uh...

Wait. What?

Say that again?

Okay.

Good to know.

What's up?

That was my dad's doc.

He, uh, thought I was Dave Sr.,

and he called me to give
his physical results.

Funny thing --
my dad has chlamydia.

What?!
How the hell is that funny?

Oh, it's not.
I was just trying to soften it.

Oh, my God.

Well, that means your dad's
still getting some scratch.

Oh, yeah.
I mean, that runs in the blood.

Oh, my God.

You don't think
your dad and my mom --

I mean, you don't think
he gave her -- no, right?

No, right?

Uh...I mean, you been
pushing her on him

like a cheap holiday ham.

[Sighs]

You know what you got to do?
- What?

You got to have
an actual conversation with her.

Oh, shit.

About STDs.

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

It's a
sexually transmitted disease.

I know what it stands for.

It's when
you kind of put the --

I know, your dad's filthy.

And their dirty parts.
- Shut up. Shut up.

So, uh...How was breakfast
at the beach?

It was delicious.

At least, it smelled delicious.

So, you're getting, uh, pretty
chummy with Dave's dad, huh?

We had a nice enough time.

David wants to take me out
to Mexican tonight.

Mexican?

Are you jealous?

Should I be jealous?

Of course not.

I'd much rather
be spending time with you,

but you're so... So -- so busy.

Mm. So, there's
nothing romantic going on?

Uh, he's a republican.
He's pear-shaped.

I like a man with a lean frame.

Okay, all right,
look, I don't need

your whole JDate bio,
all right?

I'm just --
I'm just trying to --

trying to what?

[Cellphone rings]

H-hold on.

[Cellphone beeps]
What?

Dave: We need to talk.

I'm in the middle
of something, dude.

Just come out
to your driveway now -- alone.

Oh, and, uh, can you bring
some napkins?

What the hell, man?

Get in.

Here are your napkins.

Tell him what you told me.

It just happened
that night after ice cream.

What happened?

I slept with that whore!

Whoa! Are you talking about
my mother?

'Cause "whore" is a little extreme.
- Oh, no. Hear him out.

We did it in the car.

Oh, in this car?! God damn it!

What, are you teenagers?

Your mother gave me V.D.!
What kind of woman does that?

All right, all right,
hold up, man.

Maybe you gave it to her.

I haven't been with anyone
since Dave's mother d-d-d-d--

[sighs] "Died."

Since mom died.
- Wasn't that like three years ago?

Yeah, give or take.
- I call bullshit.

You're gonna tell me
you haven't wet your dick

in any of your canasta partners
or bingo buddies or something?

Hey, he's not George Clooney.

I mean, come on,
who'd screw that?

Besides your mom.

He's hiding something.

Look, be honest with me.
No oral?

Are you on the down low?

What?

Hey! Lay off.

You know, he's a good Catholic.

Horrible father,
but good Catholic.

That's a red flag
if I ever heard one.

Look, the facts are plain.

My dad is pissing lava
'cause of your mom.

Jesus Christ.

Doesn't anyone
use condoms anymore?

I just really wanted
to feel her!

[Groans]

Okay. All right. [Sighs]

Say hi to your mom's
tainted hole.

Yeah, I get it.
I'll deal with it.

[Sobbing]

Okay. All right.

All right, all right.
All right, all right.

Look, this is gonna be
really awkward,

but I'm just gonna come out
and say it.

David Sr. has chlamydia.
- Oh. I --

- Look, look, look,
I-I-I-I don't want to know why.

I don't want to know how.
I wish I didn't know where.

But regardless
of what did or didn't happen,

I-I think we should just
go to the clinic

and get you checked out,
all right, just to make sure,

you know, everything's
spick-and-span.

Good?
- Good.

Good. Okay, so, we're good?

[Sighs] We're good.

Great.

Okay.

[Sighs]

Marc, are you ashamed of me?

[Sighs] I don't want
to get into it.

Marc? [Sighs]

You know it is possible
I gave something to David.

How possible?

Well, who's to say?

There was this very nice
contractor on the cruise,

and we were the last two out
in the limbo contest,

and sparks flew.

Uh-huh.

I also had a moment
when we stopped over in Cabo.

I met this man.
He said he was a mixologist.

Looked like plain-old bartending
to me, but he was so cute.

Okay, okay. All right.
How many are there?

Do we need to start
a spreadsheet?

Stop it.

I -- you know,
if you have this thing,

you're gonna have to contact these
guys and give them a heads up.

It was a cruise.

I don't -- I don't think
I have that kind of information.

[Sighs]

Is "Dax" a name?

Or is it short for something?

Oh, my God.

You're sleeping with bartenders
named Dax in Mexico?

I think I caught something
from hearing that.

Don't make it sound so sordid.

Well, how else
is it supposed to sound?

You want -- you want --
you want to stock up

on some, uh,
condoms while you're here?

They're fruit-flavored,
I think.

Toni Maron.

Oh.

Just a minute, please.

[Sighs]

You know what?
I had a real lonely year.

And what help were you?

You never called.
You never visit.

And this week,
all you did was avoid me.

You're a real brat.

Oh, okay, so it's my fault
you're sleeping around.

[Sighs]

You should get checked, too.

She's my mother.

You have
a very disturbing relationship.

I'm not gonna argue with that.

Toni: Yes.

A Denver layover will be fine.

A Siberian layover will be fine

as long as I can fly out
tonight.

Same credit card.
Thanks so much.

Kyle, would you be able
to take me to the airport?

I'll pay you.

All right, okay,
stop being so dramatic.

I get you're on edge because
you're waiting for the call

from the --
from the you know what,

but, uh, I'll take you
to the airport.

I mean, it's
not rush hour, right?

I would rather walk on my hands.
- Mm.

I'm starting to sense
a little tension here, guys.

You know, in my family,
when we have a problem,

we all get in a circle
and take turns venting.

But here's the twist --

while we talk, we have to do
a funny dance, you know?

Or have our mouths crammed
with marshmallows

as a --
as a way to lighten the mood.

Do you have any marshmallows?

Shut up, Kyle.
- Shutting up.

I didn't plan for my life
to end like this.

I don't want to talk
about this right now.

Of course you don't.
You never do.

God forbid I should cut in
on your time with your blogs...

Or whatever it is you do.

I'm researching
for an interview tomorrow.

You try to make B.J. Novak
interesting for an hour.

Oh, let me guess.

You're gonna ask about
his childhood, his influences,

then you'll feel around for
a little substance-abuse issues.

Well, I think
that's an oversimplification,

but I-I-I get your drift,
all right?

But you know
what really kills me?

It's that you have
these intimate conversations

with total strangers
in your garage,

and you reveal so much
to these anonymous listeners,

but you won't share a little bit
of your life with your own mother.

Okay, I get your point.
All right?

I-it's less risky for me
to open up to people

I have less history with.

I'll own that.

You know that that little visit
to the clinic

was the most mother-and-son time
we -- we've had in 10 years?

It wasn't that bad.

I mean, you know, chlamydia's,
uh, it's like the good STD.

Suddenly you're an expert?

What? I've lived.

Uh...

Gonorrhea.

Oh, I hate that name.
Who gave it to you?

Uh, you know, that Allie
what's-her-name from college.

Oh, I remember.

She was, uh,
about 10 pounds overweight.

Well, I mean, some people
would say she looked healthy.

Apparently not that healthy.
- True.

And then I got crabs from
that freelance photographer.

Somewhere out in the world,

there's an artsy,
black-and-white photograph

of me with no pubic hair.

Oh, my.

And that brings us to cold sores...
- Oh!

...uh, which I regifted
to my ex-wife

along with half my money.

You know, I always had
this -- this fantasy

of running into her
and her husband out in --

out in the world.

And it wouldn't
bother me at all

because I'd have Jen on my arm,
and we'd look amazing.

And Michelle wouldn't even
bother to ask me how I was doing

because it would be obvious
that I was doing great.

Yeah.

Guess that's not happening.

Do you still miss her?

Yeah.

I mean, you're not the only one
that gets lonely.

I couldn't help overhearing
you guys talking.

Do you think it's okay

that we were all using
the same toilet seat?

Ooh.

Yeah, you do look
a little pasty.

You really do.

I think you should
take photos of your genitals

and post them on WebMD
and let the Internet decide.

Yeah, I better.

All right,
let's get out of here.

What do you want to do
on your last day in L.A.?

What a day.
See? Isn't this fun?

I don't know
if I'm walking or running.

It's a very awkward speed
for me.

Well, you got to swing
your arms more, burn calories.

Yeah.

You want my weights?
- No, definitely not.

[Laughs]

I got to --
I-I got to tell you,

I feel like, uh --
like a bit of a moron here.

You don't look it.

[Cellphone ringing]

[Cellphone beeps]

Hello?

Yes, this is Toni.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

What'd they say?

They said I'm positive.
[Sighs]

Or negative.

Whichever one means
I don't have it.

Hey, man.

I just dropped my mom off
at L.A.X.

What's up?
Dave: Not much.

Oh, by the way,
I heard back from the clinic.

My mom's clean as a whistle.

Oh, yeah. I figured.

Turns out someone's got
a little prostitute problem,

and he likes doing them
on the pillows on my bed.

[Sobbing]

Shut up, dad!
You gave me pinkeye!

[Sobbing] I'm sorry!

Well, say hi to your dad's
filthy dick for me, okay?

I'm sorry!
- Shut up, da--

[chuckles]

[Cellphone beeps]

[Cellphone beeps]

Hey, mom. Uh, I know
you're on your flight.

I just wanted to call
to say, uh, hey.

So, um...Hey.

[Cellphone beeps]

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