All language subtitles for Maron s02e02 Marcs New Friend.eng

The "do not disturb" thing
is on, so you got to take it off.

Right. She never knows that.
It was on vibrate.

She's was like, "what?"
Holy shit!

You're crazy.

I know.
What can I say?

I'm obsessed with it,
dude.

Hey, excuse me, man?

What?

Can we borrow one
of your empty chairs?

Yeah, all right. Sure.
Whatever.

Hey, man, we need one more
for our buddy who's coming,

so can I grab the one
with your jacket on it?

Seriously?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Oh. We better get one
in case Jimmy shows.

Oh. Hey, man, uh, how long
are you gonna be here?

Jimmy's coming.
Oh, is Jimmy coming?

Well, I'll tell you what,
why don't you

just take
the whole damn table?

Whoa!

All right?

So, what? You just got up?
You just gave them the table?

No, I didn't give it to them.
I shoved it into their table.

It was very satisfying and
embarrassing at the same time.

I think that their
very being offended me.

I mean, they were young.
They were having fun.

They were together -- friends.
Yeah.

And I took it
as a personal insult.

How dare they, right?
Exactly.

Yeah.
That's right.

And someone having fun,
it's an insult. Right.

It is because it just amplifies
the fact that I don't.

I mean, do you? I mean, w-well,
of course you do.

You have
a lot of friends, right?

I don't have a lot of friends.
I don't.

Come on.
You don't have poker buddies,

you don't have a crew,

like the "King of Queens" guys
or whatever?

Look, I don't got
many -- more than you.

What is this,
like a friend-off?

No.
Kind of.

I'm just saying
I'm just curious

'cause I am a man
of a certain age.

Ah.
Yeah, see? I'm throwing it around.

I know that most of my friends
have settled,

so if I want to hang out,

I got to go
to a kids' soccer game,

or else my social options
are very limited.

Well, I don't got --
my kids are past soccer,

and my wife -- she wants
nothing to do with me.

Uh-huh.
I got all the time in the world.

So what do you do?
What, do you masturbate?

I masturbate.
Uh-huh.

Uh, I put it
in my journal.

What, do you mean, writing about it?
Yeah, writing about it. Writing about it.

You don't masturbate --
No, no, no, I don't -- I don't.

Right, that would be
a weird journal.

You couldn't open it.
Yeah, exactly.

You wouldn't be able
to open it after a while.

Yeah.
You went there. I didn't.

And, yeah, golf, man.

Oh, golfing and masturbating.
Yeah.

That's a fine message
to go out on.

Thanks for doing this, Ray.
You good?

Yeah, this is --
yeah, I'm good, man.

Okay.
I'm good if you're good.

I am. Thanks, Ray.
All right.

I'm not signing a release.
All right.

Okay. Thanks, Ray.
Yeah.

That was great. I really
appreciate you coming out.

It was good. I had fun.

You know, I gave the illusion
of revealing myself

without actually
revealing myself, you know?

But that's actually revealing
in itself.

Yeah.
I got close. - Yeah.

Hey, you don't mind if we do
a photo, do you?

I like to take a photo
with all the guests.

Yeah, no problem.
No problem.

All right, let me, uh --
Kyle, Ray's leaving.

Uno momentito.
Oh, boy, here we go.

Here we go.
Okay.

All right, let's do it.

Let's pick up the speed there,
Richard Avedon.

The guy
who played MacGyver?

No, just take
the -- okay.

Say "WTF."

Yeah.

All right. Good.

Amazing.

Ray, I will e-mail you
a copy, sir.

He doesn't want a copy.

Oh, give me one.
I'll take a copy.

Yeah, why don't you send a copy
to his assistant?

That would be good.
Yeah.

Will do. Good.
Okay. Good.

Thanks, big guy.

Ray was
really cool today.

It was a great interview,
too, man.

Yep.

It was cool
that he hung out.

I mean,
no one ever hangs out.

Well, Andy Dick I thought
was gonna move in,

but that was different.

I-I think he actually needs
a place to live.

Yep.

Hey, you know,
Ray and I really got along,

but I can never tell
if it's real, you know,

with my guests,
and Jen's out of town.

Do you think
I can call Ray to see

if he wants to hang out
or something?

Nope.

Good call.
Wait a couple days, right?

Are you serious?

Yeah, why? What?

You two have nothing
in common.

Oh, and he's
a condescending dick.

Wait, okay, so you guys
also have that in common.

Wait, wait, wait, he is not
a condescending dick.

"Thanks, big guy"?
"Big guy"?

I wanted to punch in
his likeable face.

I mean, come on, Marc.

I know he plays an "aw, shucks"
flannel-shirt-wearing guy on TV,

but I.R.L.,
you and Ray Romano

don't even operate
on the same level.

I don't think that's true.
He's a comic. I'm a comic.

We're roughly the same age.

I mean, that's a lot
of similarities right there.

Can I drop
an honesty bomb

on your brain bunker,
Marky Marc?

Do I have a choice?

If anyone in your circle is
on your same level, it's me.

Ha, ha! What?
Yeah, think about it.

You and I
drive the same car.

Your mom bought yours.
Eerie, right?

But also, you and I live
in the same neighborhood.

Getting stranger.
Oh.

You and I also work
on the same podcast.

It's like we're twinsies.

I don't work on the podcast.
It's my podcast.

But my point is if you
are really and truly looking

for a new bro,
I'm avails.

I appreciate the offer,
but that's gonna be a pass.

Hard or soft?
Uh, hard.

Oh, man.

This is some nasty shit.

I play a billy goat named
William, again, and, um,

I enter
a strong-man competition

to save the farm...Again.

We got a lot of laughs.
Stick around.

By the way, if you're going
to the movies...

Screw it.

Hello?

Hey, Ray, it's Marc Maron.
How you doing, buddy?

Who?

Uh, it's -- it's --
it's Marc Maron.

Uh, I'm just hanging out,
thought maybe

you and I could maybe,
I don't know,

get a cup of coffee
or something.

This is Ray's assistant.

Can I tell him
what this is regarding?

Oh, damn!

I-I-I thought this was his,
uh, personal line.

Hey, forget I called,
okay?

Hold on. Let me,
uh, see if he's here.

No, no. No, no, no, no.
Shit. No.

Oh, my God. I'm pathetic.
This is so stupid.

Hello?
Ray.

Yeah.

Hey, man,
it's Marc Maron.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
What's up?

Oh, nothing,
just hanging out,

just wondering what
you were doing.

I thought maybe you might
want to, I don't know,

hang out,
get some coffee, hang out,

something, you know,
maybe hang out.

Uh, it's kind of late,
Marc.

Yeah, yeah,
okay, all right.

I could do Tuesday.

Oh! Tuesday. Tuesday's good.
That's great.

Yeah, all right.
Yeah, I'll see you then.

Oh, great.

Hey, wait, Ray, Ray,
what are we doing? Ray?

Hello? Hello?

I'm gonna hang out
with Ray Romano.

Nothing?

And so my son says,
"did you win?"

And I got to tell him,
you know, in golf,

even though you're playing
against other people,

you're just kind of playing
against yourself.

They're only like 8 years old.
They didn't understand.

And then I went -- we went
on vacation. I went golfing.

Come back to the pool
at the hotel.

My son's there, and he sees me
from golfing, people all around,

and he yells, "Dad, uh, were you
just playing with yourself?!"

I'm like, "All right,
come over here."

Oh, man.
I still do that in my act.

Yeah?
That's an old lame joke.

But golf --
I never played golf.

It's basically
you hit the ball,

you walk to the ball,
you hit the ball.

Yeah, you do that a lot.
You do that about 100 times.

You should do it.
I should?

You actually would -- 'cause you
need a release, right?

Yeah, yeah.
You should do it.

It's addictive, though.
You're gonna get hooked on it.

Really? Addictive?

I mean, it doesn't sound
like any addiction I've had.

I mean, do I end up, uh,
drunk and passed out,

covered in urine
on the ninth tee?

That's if you play
with Brad Garrett, yeah.

You're limping and you're
bleeding from all orifices.

Oh, yeah. All right.
I got to go.

Yeah? Where you going?
Yeah, I got to...

Actually, I'm gonna hit
that sports-memorabilia store --

that Danny's Dugout.
Yeah, I don't know anything about it.

Yeah, yeah,
I like to buy shit

'cause my wife can't have
all the money, you know?

Come. If you want
to come, come.

All right, all right, yeah,
yeah, I'll go. I'll go. Why not?

All right.
Okay.

Yeah.Take the chair if you want.

I don't know.
What do you think?

'68 Seaver, '69 Ryan?

I don't know.
Like, it's weird.

These baseball cards --
they're like wine

for you sports nerds,
huh?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

I'm -- I'm all kinds of nerds,
except for the kind

that gets good grades,
you know?

Me too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what, I'm taking both.
Okay.

Give me both of them.
Hold on. Not done.

I like
that old baseball stuff.

Everything
on that second shelf.

Why not, right?

Right. Why not.
Who's calling me?

Oh, damn. It's my assistant.
One second, all right?

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, what's up?

You're kidding!
I got to...

Here. Here.
Take care of it.

Here you go.
Yeah, yeah.

Count it up, all right?
Yeah, well, tell me about it.

Uh-huh.

Was he serious?
Yeah, I think so.

All right.
I got to do a pool scene?

Oh, come on.
I just had a ton of cheesecake.

Yeah, well, I got to take
my shirt off, not you.

Well, who got sick?

Your car?

Yeah, well,
what happened?

Where am I going?
How much time do I have?

You want me to drive it
while...?

Right.
I don't get it.

Yeah, well, I got to do push-ups now.
What do...?

Do you want me to...?

Why? 'Cause I got tits,
that's why.

What do you -- do you want me to
put it in?

Yeah, all right.
It's locked. It's locked.

Well, it's gonna take some time.
It's locked.

Well, I'm sorry.

I don't -- you know what,
I got to do some stuff, right?

What's going on here?

But that's their fault
'cause they called me in, right?

Yeah, well, of course,
I probably -- I got a rash.

That rash
didn't go away.

All right.

All right. Yeah.

Hey, man, sorry.

It's all right, man.
Everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's "Parenthood."

I got to...
Peter Krause got sick.

They want to do this other scene.
It's crazy. Okay.

Yeah, sorry about that.
All right.

But, uh,
you know what, here.

I really apologize for this.
No, I don't --

well, now you got to
take a cab now, right?

I don't need your money,
Ray, seri--

no, no, take -- take it, for
the cab. This was good, though.

What a dick.

I cannot believe
that a-hole

just dumped you
on the street like some --

whore?

I didn't have sex
with the guy.

Oh, no. You just went out
to lunch with him

and then you ran an errand

and then he left you
on the street

with a fistful of cash
and no way home.

I was actually more like
his assistant, really.

Well, no, don't say that, man.
That's hurtful. Yeah.

Marc Maron's office.

When did you
start doing that?

It's him.

"Him" who?

Him -- Ray.
Holtz?

Romano. Come on,
come on, come on.

It's Ray Romano.
Go do something away from me.

All right.
Look at yourself.

Hey, man.
Hey, Marc, it's Ray, man.

What's up?
Uh, bad time?

No, no, no, no. Actually,
I was just about to interview

for a new assistant.

What's up?

Yeah, look, I just wanted
to call and apologize.

What's that?
You're calling to apologize?

For the whole
parking-lot thing?

Why -- I appreciate that,
but it's not really necessary.

I mean, you didn't know the show
was gonna call you in.

No, no, no. I'm calling
to apologize about the photos.

Photos? What photos?

The ones online,
on National Enquirer?

You didn't see them?
No.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Yeah, go to the site.
Go to nationalenquirer.com.

Oh, why, because your boyfriend said -- okay.
Do it! Oh, my God.

Just go. - Okay, I'm gonna do it,
but it'll be on my terms.

Shh!
Okay.

"Anne Hathaway's itty-bitty

Hawaiian vacation
titty committee."

No, I don't think
that's it.

It's under "somebody really,
really loves Raymond."

"Somebody really,
really loves Raymond."

Ohh!

Holy shit.

Yeah, I know.
I mean, it's good for me.

They never take my picture,
but it kind of sucks for you.

You didn't know,
you know what I mean?

And -- and who looks
at this shit anyways, right?

Oh, that page has, um, 75,000
views in just the last hour.

Congrats on being so famous,
whore.

Yeah, listen, um,

let me make it up to you.

You know what,
come over tomorrow.

We'll watch
the hockey game.

Just -- just us -- hang out,
snacks, you know?

That sounds great. I'm, uh --
I'm a big hockey fan.

Yeah, okay, good.
You know what?

I'll have my assistant
e-mail you my address and stuff.

All right.
I'm looking forward to it.

All right, man.
I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, at least
he gave us a heads-up.

I mean, they -- they -- they're
not that bad, are they?

If by "not that bad,"
you mean embarrassing,

ridiculous, humiliating,
and, like, a little gay,

then, yeah, no,
they're definitely not that bad.

I still don't understand
what we're looking for.

We're looking for something
that makes me look like a fan.

He's gonna know
you're a fraud

as soon as you start
watching the game.

I think you underestimate
my acting ability.

Okay, how many quarters
in a hockey game, smart guy?

Four.
Three! Ha! Fraud!

Three quarters? That doesn't
even make sense, idiot.

Right?
Three innings?

No. It's not even
that game.

It's definitely
three something.

Welcome
to Danny's Dugout.

Can I help you gents
with anything?

No. Uh, we're good.

Do you have anything
that would make him

look like he understands
the game of hockey?

I understand hockey.

Uh, do you have
any Kings gear?

You going to a game?
Uh, no, I'm watching a game on TV.

My friend's house.
He's a big fan.

I thought I'd show
a little team spirit.

Maybe a hockey hat?

If I wanted
to impress this guy,

I'd definitely get
a hockey hat.

Um, how about a jersey?
Great.

Do you have
a favorite player?

Are you a Brown
or a Doughty guy?

Uh, whoever
you think's best.

Is there a size difference
between the two?

The shirts come
in all sizes.

You're not actually buying
his jersey.

Yeah, Kyle. Stupid.

$325.91.

Wow!

I-is that refundable?

As your friend
and business associate,

I must advise you
one final time --

if you show up wearing
that jersey to impress him,

you will be his bitch.

I am so sick
of your jealous bullshit.

Fine.

I'm going home.

Come on, Kyle.

Kyle, come on, man.

Seriously? Really?

I got to quit
bumming rides.

Ray?

Ray?

Hey.

Hey, man.

Hey. Oh, wow.

I didn't know you were
a big Kings fan, huh?

Well,
I'm sort of a new fan.

I'm just getting into hockey
in general, really.

You left the tag on.

Okay, I guess
I'm keeping it.

Come on.
Game's starting now.

Great place.

Yeah, thanks.

I like the one
in the 'Bu better.

What's "the 'Bu"?

Malibu.
Oh, yeah.

Hey, check it out.
You want to see a couple things? - Yeah.

Yeah, those are the bolts
that Peter Boyle used

in "Young Frankenstein."

Ohh.
No, don't -- don't pick it up, though.

That's an actual football
from Jets Super Bowl III --

one of the footballs.
Oh.

And this --
Phil Rosenthal gave me that

as a gift for the 100th episode
of "Everybody Loves Raymond."

That's an ashtray
used by Casey Stengel.

Oh, K.C. From K.C.
and the Sunshine Band?

Yeah, put it down, though.

All right.
Game's gonna start.

Let's do this.

Great.

Yeah.

Okay.

Uh, we got, uh, root beer
in the fridge -- plenty of it.

Sounds good.
Yeah.

If you want it.

Yeah, get me one
if you don't mind.

Okay.

Hey, if I got any string cheese
in there, bring one of those.

I'm starving.

Yeah, I see it.

You got it?

Yeah.

Right by the butter.

Root beer and string cheese
coming right up, Mr. Romano.

Yeah,
you hear that laugh?

That's -- I got the same laugh
as Fran Drescher.

We went to high school
together, me and her.

Really?
Yeah.

Did everyone in your high school
laugh like that?

'Cause that would be
an annoying high school.

See? There it is.
I can't stop it.

All right.

So this should be a good game, right?
Yeah.

If they don't score five goals,
I got the under.

See, I don't know what
that means. I don't gamble.

What does that mean --
the under?

Shit, uh...Doesn't matter.
I'll tell you.

Okay, all right.
Yeah.

You already
losing money?

No, it didn't start yet.
What are you talking about?

I don't know what
you bet on.

All right, just relax.

All right, all right.

No, just 'cause that's --
all right, no, I get it.

That's the side where
we don't put our feet up.

All right, all right,
all right. So, this is fun.

We should, uh, make
a regular thing out of this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this guy's
gonna give up five goals.

On purpose?

No, he's not that good.
He's not that good.

Oh. Maybe I don't get it.

There's nothing to get.

Five goals, I lose.
Four goals, I win.

Oh, okay.

I got to go
to the can.

I'm gonna pause it.

All right, I'll just...

I guess
I'm on pause, too.

Whose shitty car
is blocking the garage?

Oh, hey. Hi.

And you are?

Marc Maron.
I'm a friend of Ray's.

That -- that's my car.
I can move it if you want me to.

Ray!

Why is there a grown man
wearing a hockey jersey

in our living room?!

A friend of mine.
A friend?

Who is this?
Another wannabe comedian?

No, he's a guy.

He's a guy who does an interview
show out of his garage.

Are you kidding me?!

He looks like
he lives in his garage.

You promised me we were gonna
spend time together today

talking about my
reality-show idea, but instead,

you bring
this clown home with you

and that mustache of his?

He looks like
a pornographer.

Come on. Relax, relax.
No!

We're talking now,
and you just listen!

I am sick of you constantly
looking for other people

besides me
to spend your time with!

Why can't you be
alone with me?!

Hey,
I can just go, Ray.

No! Stay!
Watch the game.

Yeah, okay.

Un-pause it.

All right, all right.

You know
what my therapist says?

She says you have
intimacy issues

that you can share
in front of complete strangers,

but not in front
of your wife.

I come home, and I ask you,
"how was your day?"

And you say, "fine."
It's not fine, Ray.

It's not fine!

Hey, buddy, we got to split.
Yeah, we're gonna go.

You stay, enjoy yourself, you
know, finish, watch the game.

There's food, drink.
Hey, I can just go.

No, no. Stay.
You gonna miss the game?

No. No score yet, right?
All right.

Take it easy, big guy.

You know, when I was
in high school,

there was this guy Dave I really
wanted to be friends with

because Dave was cool,
I was insecure,

and I think I thought
that his coolness

would rub off on me.

I mean, we used to drive around
in his '73 Gold Firebird

with
a Holley double pumper

doing 150 miles per hour
down I-40.

It was crazy.

I was willing to risk my life
to be friends with that guy,

and also my taste, apparently,
because I saw Ted Nugent

three times in high school
because Dave wanted to see him.

But it was
a small price to pay

because Dave was a great guy,
and he was hilarious.

But that's
what youth is for.

You know, you want to be friends
with people you want to be like.

But now that I'm older,
I don't have time for that.

I mean, I know who I am.

I know that I'm
never gonna like sports.

So what is friendship
when you're older?

What -- what am I looking
for in a friend?

I'm looking for somebody who
will accept me for who I am --

a 50-year-old man who knows
all the words

to "Cat Scratch Fever,"
despite himself.

Hey.

Hey.

I know you're not a jock,
but I thought if --

if you wear this,
maybe it'll make you cooler.

You bought it, Marc.
You deal with it.

I've been thinking about it,
and, uh,

you were right
about my friendship with Ray

not working out
the way I wanted.

So, as a token of my
appreciation, I got you this.

That is Casey Stengel's
ashtray.

Whoa.
She was buried in this?

What? No.
It's -- it doesn't matter.

I took it from Ray's.

It felt like fair game
for the time I put in.

I thought it would be
a nice peace offering for you.

I thought maybe we could
hang out, like now.

Got some cigars.
Smoke them like peace pipes.

Oh, I don't know.

The -- the first time
I tried a cigar, I threw up.

How old were you?

It was like two weeks ago,

my friend's bachelor party.

Puked on a stripper.
Cindy.

Okay, well,
these are really good.

I'm not gonna be
sitting on your lap.

So I don't think
we have to worry about it.

All right.

Shoot, now I feel bad.
About what?

For sending so many people
to your National Enquirer page.

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