All language subtitles for Maron s01e08 L.A.eng

So, every week,
I get a new roommate.

But the problem is not only
are they eating my cereal,

you know, hogging
the bathroom... annoying...

They're also monsters.

God damn it.

You know, werewolf,
vampire, sasquatch.

Everybody loves monsters.

What are you
babbling about, man?

My web series...
"monster roommate."

I wanted to book you for a cameo
for the first episode.

No. Not gonna happen.

No. Definitely not.
Not my thing.

Cool.
Where the hell are my...

Nicotine lozenges.
Bookcase, top shelf.

Thanks, radar.

Nothing?

"M.A.S.H."?

Television show? Alan alda?

Korean war?
What are you, 5?!

"M.A.S.H."

Aubrey's here. Yes!

Okay. Relax. Okay.

I need you
to do a solid for me.

Your wish is my command.

- First, stop doing that.
- Okay.

Second,
clean the cat litter box.

Okay? Thanks, buddy.

Thank you.

Oh, don't even do that.

I'm super allergic,
by the way.

Yeah, I don't care.

I guess it's because
of the characters I play.

People think I'm, like,
aloof and hate people,

but I actually like people.

I like friends.

I know that sounded sarcastic,
but I meant it.

I only need two friends.

Yeah, like,
I need the main guy,

and the guy I go to

when I emotionally drain
the main guy.

Wow.

I know you're kidding,
but I actually believe you.

But you know what?
Relationships are the same way.

I mean,
I put everything I had into,

like, two marriages, and...

Well, I could have put a little
more into the first one.

But, you know, I'm spent.
I'll own that.

Really? Yep.

You don't want to, like,
fall in love again

and get married and have fat,
gross babies?

You make it sound so good.

But, no, for me, right now,
it's just intense bouts of drama

followed by angry sex
that lead to mutual resentment.

And quite honestly,

how many years
before I get cancer anyway?

I don't know, three?

I'm sorry. That was a rhetorical
question, wasn't it?

Thank you.
Okay. You're good?

Yeah. That was really fun.

I'm gonna go home now
and freak out

about all the stuff
I just admitted to.

Oh, hold up.
I want to get a photo.

I always take pictures
with every guest.

Hey, Kyle?

Can you come out here
with the camera

and can we do the photo?
Okay.

Uh, he's odd,
but he keeps me very organized.

Kyle, come outside please
with the camera.

This is Aubrey.

Hi. You're the best part
of "parks and recreation."

Hands down, the best.

Aww, thanks.

Seriously, the rest of the cast
is complete shit.

You deserve
your own spin-off

where you just do
whatever you feel like doing.

Okay,
as much as Aubrey likes

standing here
sweating in the driveway,

could we do the photo?

Sure. Sure. Thank you.
Good with the camera?

Mm-hmm. All right.

Here we go.

Good. Great.
You know what? Hold it.

Let's just get one more,
just in case. Okay.

Okay. You know?

There we go. These are amazing.
All right, good.

Smile. Or... or don't.
Either way.

Just either way,
you're beautiful.

God, you're... all right.
All right. All right.

Enough. Okay? Good?
Okay. Yep.

All right. Thanks, Aubrey.
Thank you.

Thanks, Marc. Yeah, you bet.

What the hell, man?

You cut me out of all
these pictures with Aubrey.

Sorry.

I know, like, I seemed
totally cool out there.

But inside,
I was freaking out.

I mean, it was Aubrey Plaza.

I know,
but you said the same thing

last week with Amy poehler.

You got to chill out
around these female guests.

I'm not exactly captain charm
with regular girls,

and now I'm mingling
with nerd-goddess royalty.

And I'm blowing it.

Okay, relax, will you?
All right?

I can help you out
with this.

Really? That would be amazing.
Yeah.

What do you got?
Pickup lines? Negs?

I want to know everything,
please.

Who do I look like, fonzie?

Nothing? Really? Fonzie?
"He-e-y." Nothing?

The bear? Huh? The bear?

Look, I got no tricks,
but I can tell you this.

You've got to stop
treating these women

like they're artifacts
up on pedestals.

You have to engage
on a real level.

You don't have to type this.

You know what? Type it.
There might be some gold here.

Okay, what was I saying?

Girls. Right.
They're just people.

They're... they're horny,
scared, angry, bitter people

just like me and you.

I'm not like that.
Okay, just like me.

Hang out.

"Hey, you. Remember me
from our sexfest weekend?"

You remember that girl
I met in Phoenix?

Of course. You had sex with her.
It's an amazing story.

All right. Watch me work.
"Hey.

"Good to hear from you.

Hope you're well."

You see? See how that went?

See how I interacted?
I didn't sweat her.

I wasn't acting like a dick.
I was just being myself.

Oh, look. Right there.

"Just want to let you know
I'm moving to L.A."

Whoa, that totally worked.

Shh. No, wait a minute.

"This has nothing
to do with you.

I'm not a stalker.
Can't wait to see you."

Shit!

What? She said
she's not a stalker.

Yeah, that's exactly
the first thing

every stalker says.

This is horrendous, man.

I thought you said
you liked her.

I do like her... in Phoenix.

Oh, my god.

All right. All right.
What do we do? What do we do?

We call. Right, we call?

Obvious move. Call. Always call.
Yeah, call.

Hey, Jen. Yeah, it's mark.

This, uh...

This whole moving to L.A.
all of a sudden?

Not a good idea. No, it's...

I've been here for a week,
and you haven't even...

No. No, you listen.

You li... you're creeping me out,
all right?

Don't come down here
and screw up my life!

I'm hanging up now.

Don't move here, stalker!
Don't move here!

What, are you kidding me?

Holy shit.

Whoa, she's crazy hot.

Oh, I don't believe this.

I'm not here.
You have to deal with this.

Oh, no, I can't.
Yes, you've got to.

No, I'm the worst liar. I get
this weird little singsong voice.

It's your job! She'll
see right through me.

Oh, shut up!
Quit being a baby! Go do it!

Good "afternoont."

Hi. Um, is maron around?

Sorry.

He is gone now.

Took boomer to the vet.
Uh, ringworm?

So Marc.

Um, I'm Jen, by the way.

Uh, Kyle,
his producing partner.

Assistant.

Uh, uh, I've heard
a ton about you.

Oh, yeah? You have?

Awesome.
All good things, I hope.

Oh, my gosh.
The best things.

It's like
"beautiful Jen" this

and "man, you have
beautiful eyes" that.

Ohh.

Maybe I should just go get lunch
and come back then?

Oh, yeah.
Try schodorf's down on York.

Mark and I usually go there

and split a Turkey club
and a Greek salad.

It's really nice.

Cool. You want to come?

Well, you know what?
No, because I have to

just help mark
assistant-produce some things.

I thought he wasn't here.

Good point.

Let's go.

All right.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, Kyle.
Did you have a nice lunch?

Yeah. Guess what.

I can finish a whole Turkey club
all by myself.

Aww. Who's a big boy?

I am. Uh-huh.

Hello? Hey, maron.

Wow, it's a cool place.

It's exactly
how I pictured it.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Is boomie okay?

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, he's fine. He's fine.

Oh, my god. You're so right.

What?

It's just that

Kyle was doing
this impression of you at lunch,

and he totally nailed

how you... you pull on
your mustache like that.

It's really... Really?

You're like
an 18th-century villain.

That's hilarious.

Yeah, maybe you can
open for me sometime.

Oh, my god.
I would be so honored.

Shut up.

I, uh, you know...

I'm glad
you guys had a nice lunch,

but I-I meant what I said.

You know, between the show
and touring,

I really don't have time
for any sort of dating stuff.

Gotcha.
Yeah. Loud and clear.

Okay.

Um, so, are we still on

for that double feature
at the new Beverly later?

You can tell me more
about "monster roommate."

I don't think I can.
I got to finish up this mailing.

Actually, it looks like
Marc knocked out a ton of it.

So, yeah, it's a date!

I mean, not a date.
Exactly. Right.

So, um,
it was good to see you,

and good luck with life.
Yeah.

And I will see you later, so
it's gonna be great. Okay.

All right. Yeah. Bye.

Bye! It's great.
H-have a good day.

Yeah. You, too.

She's so c...

Thanks for dealing with it.

Look, I'm not one of those
"kids today" type of old guys.

And I think one of the reasons
is I don't have children,

so on some level,

I'm still, like... I don't
know... 20, 21 years old.

When did young people
get so entitled?

I mean, I'm not saying I wasn't
cocky when I was younger.

I was,
but it was different then.

I mean, back in the day,
we were selfish and entitled

with very few resources

and absolutely
no social networking.

All right. All right.
Maybe I'm being a little harsh.

But they will be humbled.

T-the realities of life will
bear down upon them eventually

and they will have to take
responsibility for themselves,

learn how to work hard,

learn how to deal with
disappointment and failure.

You know, just be damn adults.

I did it.
I mean, it took a while.

You know, it happened...

I don't know...
Maybe a couple months ago.

A month ago, maybe.

You know what? This morning,
all right? This morning.

I guess what I'm saying is
I'm having a grown-up day,

and I've had it
with these punks.

This is ridiculous.

It's only been 30 minutes.

I can't believe I'm gonna
sit in the tub for an hour

and walk around
with wet pants all day

just 'cause some clerk said
that's how you get the best fit.

The guy had
a handlebar mustache.

It's ridiculous.

Why would I take his advice
about anything?

I don't know.

Are they taking?
Anything at all? Are there...

What is it now?

What is it,
a baby on a roller coaster

or a masturbating gorilla...
What's happening?

Oh, no.

Just an I.M. From my friend
made me I-m-f-a-o.

Oh, a friend, huh?

You're not still hanging out
with Jen, are you?

I'm not
not hanging out with her.

Don't say I didn't tell you so.
She's a little crazy.

You know what?
She's not crazy.

Come on.
She came down here for me.

Mm, I don't think so.

Oh, really?
You don't think so?

What are you?
Are you the chick expert now?

No, but I'm pretty sure
she moved here for her new job.

Oh, did they run out of

Barnes & nobles
in San Francisco?

No, no, her job job

as a behavioral modification
instructor...

For autistic kids.

Huh.

Yeah, I think she mentioned
autistic kids to me once.

I wasn't listening, though.

Yeah, well, she took a job
with the L.A. school system.

Wow. That's pretty cool.
Yeah.

That doesn't change the fact
that she's using you.

I know
it's only been a week,

but I think we've become
really good friends.

She's using you
to get to me.

No, she's not.
She has a boyfriend, so...

Who?

Just some comedian.

What?! I should not
have said anything.

A comedian? Are you serious?

What's his name?

I don't know.

Liar! Whose side are you on?

No one's side. I swear.

No, wrong answer.

You're on my side
because I'm your friend.

Jen's my friend. Spill it!

Brian.
Brian burkman is his name.

Brian burkman.

Brian burkman.

Stupid name.

Oh, look at this guy.

So, I mean, Facebook.
Everybody's on Facebook, right?

Boy, I love that. Boy.
They should go with buttbook.

That's more like it, right?
Buttbook. Hmm.

Hey, baby, I'm sure you're
really beautiful on the inside,

but, you know, let's see you
on your backside.

You know what I mean?
Buttbook. I like that.

Not gay.
Still like butts, though.

Not gay, you know? What's his point
of view? Who is this guy, really?

You know who I'd really love
to see in that oval office?

Christopher walken.
Can you imagine that?

Hey, my fellow Americans. Wow, does anyone
do a Christopher walken impression?

I think everybody does. Wow!

Jack Nicholson.

Hey, siri.
I need some directions.

You want directions?

You can't handle
the directions!

He-e-e-re's siri! This guy is talentless.
He's a hack.

He-e-e-re's siri!

What, are...
Are you laughing at this?

Oh! What are you
laughing at?

I mean, it's actually a
pretty accurate impression.

Daniel day-Lewis
and honey boo boo.

What if they had a baby, hmm?
Can you imagine that?

I will drink your milkshake.

Mommy, I want a milkshake! Ma!

I will drink my milkshake!
Moron.

Where's your humanity?

I want a milksh...

Hey, it's Marc.

Hi.

Hi.

Welcome.

It's not bad
for a crash pad, right?

And it's convenient, too.

It's within walking distance of,
like, 50 Korean restaurants,

which you can't get
in burlingame.

Did you get here okay?

Do you think he's funny?

Who?

Brian burkman.

Right. I figured
that might get back to you.

Oh, I bet you did.

So, we hung out. So what?

Look, I don't care what you did
with that open miker.

Do you think he's funny?

Oh, you're jealous.
That's so cute. You do like me.

Don't change the subject.

'Cause if you think
that guy's funny,

we have nothing more
to talk about.

Hey, Jen!

Redbox didn't have anything
with Ryan gosling, s...

What the hell
is he doing here?

We're doing
the roommate thing.

This is unbelievable.
Why didn't you say anything?

I didn't want to piss you off
like this.

Uh, but she needed
a place to crash

and I needed help
with the rent.

Enough.

I need to talk to you
alone, privately.

Okay. Sure.

Wow.

I-I got "salmon fishing
in the Yemen"

with Ewan McGregor.

So, I guess this is
Kyle's masturbation chamber?

Yep. And I sleep here.

Where the hell
does he sleep?

On the futon.

Well, except
for a few nights ago

when it was
really hot outside,

so we slept head-to-toe
under the air conditioner.

Unbelievable.

Kyle and I are friends.

Yeah, like you and Brian
are friends?

No. I definitely
had sex with Brian.

Oh, god! Really?!

But you don't think
he's funny, right?

That's none
of your business.

Oh, you'll tell me
you had sex with him,

but you won't tell me
if you think he's funny?!

Oh, my god!
Why do you even care?!

I don't understand!

You don't want to date me!
I've been here for a week!

And you haven't even
picked up the phone!

That's 'cause
you're manipulating me,

and I hate being
manipulated!

You were shutting me out.

See, you were
manipulating me!

Well, how else
was I supposed to see you?

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Even if you weren't crazy,
I'm almost twice your age.

Nothing good
can come from us dating.

We're together,
how long before

you resolve your daddy issues
and take off?

Well, I don't know, daddy.
You tell me.

God, could you
just relax, okay?

This isn't your show.
You're just scared.

No shit, I'm scared!
You're my worst nightmare!

You've got problems! I've
got more problems! Oh, god!

I don't need the drama right now!
Just shut up! Just shut up!

Just stop talking!

Ahh. Okay.

Oh! Oh! Oh, god.

Ahh! Oh! Right there!

Oh! Oh!
Don't stop! don't stop!

Um, I'm tired of waiting, guys.
Oh, yeah! Yeah!

I'm gonna start the movie, okay?
Ohh!

Ahh, I hate you.
Okay, it's starting.

I hate you. I'm starting.
It's starting now.

I hate you.
I hate you! I hate you!

Holy shit.

Wow.

I guess she was right.
I do care about her.

God damn it.
What am I getting myself into?

I don't know,

but I wish you'd get into it
somewhere else.

Oh, you heard that, huh?

Yeah, my parents heard that,
and they're in Cleveland.

I was skyping with them.

Look, I haven't even had sex
in my bed yet, man.

Look, the fact
that I had sex in your bed

is the only thing
saving your job right now.

You ate all the chips.

You're the reason
I'm in this situation.

Letting her move in
right under my nose.

I mean, what happened
to the brotherhood?

Have you ever seen
a peckinpah movie?

No.

Really?
"The wild bunch"? No?

There are rules to buddies.

Oh, are we buddies?

Between lying for you
and changing your kitty litter,

sometimes I forget.

That's what buddies do.

Yeah, for each other, maybe,

but maron ave.
Is a one-way street.

You know, you pick on me
in front of the guests.

You talk down to me
all the time.

You don't even follow me
on Twitter.

This is just classic

generation "y"
entitlement bullshit.

I don't owe you anything.
I'm your boss.

Right.
So you're not my friend.

You're my boss and a bully
and a freaking jerk.

You know, you play
the friendship card

when it's convenient,
but otherwise,

I'm just
some employee to you.

All right, well, actually,
you're not, 'cause you're fired.

I'm fired.

I'm... I'm fired?

Oh, god, no.

What will I do
without the fat paycheck,

incredible health benefits,
and workplace comradery?

That's right.
I have none of those things.

I'm fired?

I quit!

By the way,
that was super quick.

I tried "monkey."
I tried "boomer."

I tried "lafonda."

Those are
all the possible passwords.

How can I access the account?
How can I sell merch?

How can I get help

if I have a tech guy
that doesn't know anything?

How did you get in here?

Kyle gave me his keys.

No, I wasn't talking to you.

No, I...
Don't put me on hold.

Don't... god damn it.

Hey, help yourself.

I need my strength.

We have a big afternoon
of apartment hunting.

Oh, shit.
I can't do that today.

It was your idea.

I know, but I'm swamped.
I got website problems.

I got this huge mailing.

I can't find
my nicotine lozenges.

I got to hire
a new assistant.

Or you could just apologize.

For what?
I don't want that idiot back.

And don't
make me feel guilty.

It's your fault
I'm in this position.

Whoa, no. don't blame me.

You pitted us
against each other.

You led him on.

Oh, please.

I mean, for the first
five minutes, maybe, but no.

Kyle and I are friends.

We are.

Look, I am fixing him up
with one of my co-workers,

and... and I'm helping him
with his web series.

And he listens to me vent
about you,

and he's helping me
find an apartment.

It's classic give-and-take.
That is what a friendship is.

He went behind my back.

And it brought us
closer together.

Yeah, well, I'm not clear if that's
a good thing or a bad thing.

You are a grown man,
and he looks up to you.

So you should apologize.

Where is he?

hey.

Hey, man. Kyle!

you must be here
for the barbecue,

'cause I know we have nothing
to say to each other.

Oh, come on. Is this... is this
what you went to college for?

Look, man.
I don't know what to tell you.

It's great exercise.
I get free buffet access.

People love me.

All right. All right.
Just... let's just...

Just stop for a second.
All right?

I'm on the clock, brother.

Sorry, it's called
being a professional.

Look, I'm sorry.

I just came to say
that I need you back.

There's stuff piling up
at the house.

I apologize
for having sex in your bed.

I should have had it
on the comforter.

It was wrong.

And I want you
to come back to work.

That's all you got? Really?

I...Want you... Back.

What do you want from me?

D-I-I-I-I-I-ie!

Well, the good news is
count ciro is dead.

The bad news is, we probably
just lost our deposit

and we need a new roommate.

I think that
I've already found

a replacement on craigslist.

Wow, it's Marc maron!
I love your podcast!

We have Wi-Fi
and underground parking.

What about brains?

Brains?

He doesn't replace the milk.

I am so glad
this'll just disappear

into some corner
of the Internet

with what's his name's
bad impressions.

Actually, we may have
hit the zeitgeist jackpot.

10,000 views in a few hours?

This thing could go viral,
people!

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