Original subtitles

I found this article on the Internet

describing the six stages of a romantic relationship.

I had no idea there were stages.

But according to this article, there's the courtship stage,

there's the romance stage,

then there's disillusionment, distress, reconciliation,

and finally, commitment.

Now, look, folks, I've been married twice,

and I thought maybe there were three stages.

And they would have been meet, struggle, and destroy.

And for me, the sex was always better during the destroy phase.

I don't know about the rest of you, but maybe that's just me.

Anyway, the point is, according to this article,

these stages can stretch out

over the period of months or years,

but I'm here to tell you

that I went through all of them, all six, in a weekend.

And her name... Was Jen.

Whoa!

Some girl just sent you a picture of her vagina.

What?

Yeah, look... Right here on the screen.

Wow.

That's a nice one, huh?

Yeah. Great minoras.

What is... what is that? Minoras?

The majora and the minora.

Hold on.

"Dear Marc, my name is Jen Ryan.

"We met last month in San Francisco.

"I brought you an apple pie

after your show at the punch line."

You remember her?

I don't know. I get a lot of baked goods from fans.

Thank you.

That's so sweet.

Thank you so much.

Aww.

Hello, ma'am.

All right.

What have we got here?

On all levels.

I got to stop talking about food on the podcast.

"I don't ordinarily do this,

"but I think we really seemed to connect after that show.

"I just got out of a long-term relationship

"and I haven't had sex with a lot of guys.

What? "I think you're hot,

"and I want to have sex with you.

"I'm not gonna have this 28-year-old body forever.

"I know you're gonna be in Phoenix for the comedy festival.

I thought we could hook up and have a sexfest."

Dude, you're gonna get laid!

Come on, man.

I don't have sex with every stranger

that sends me an e-mail.

You mind if I, you know, just e-mail this my way?

Do what you got to do.

Thanks, brother.

Won't fall for it

you can't see

and you can't tell

I just can't drink from the poisoned well

holy shit.

An innie.

You're not thinking about doing this, are you?

Why not?

Well, I think at the top of the list,

she sent you a picture of her vagina.

I know, but that's a thoughtful thing.

You know it wasn't the first shot.

I mean, there's lighting, there's composition.

These things don't always photograph that well, man.

Did you check her out online?

Yeah, nothing... No Facebook, no Twitter,

no linkedin... nothing.

Yeah, what kind of 28-year-old abstains from social networking?

I don't know... a smart one?

Dude, you don't know that!

What if she's crazy?

Yeah, but what if she's one of these

post-feminist, pro-porn, empowered girls?

Come on, man! The old Marc would have done this.

Oh, the old Marc is the reason the new Marc is broke.

Look, this is a big weekend.

Everyone's gonna be there hanging out.

The industry's gonna be there.

Industry? Come on. Get real.

It's a comedy festival in Phoenix, Arizona, man.

And you're gonna be stuck with her for three days.

I just think it's a bad idea.

It's definitely a bad idea.

I'm gonna do it.

Oh, you got to do it.

I know, right? Yeah.

Come on. Look at this thing.

It's a fun hole.

Oh! There he is!

Marc maron! Hi!

Hi.

It's Tammy. I'm the festival rep.

Tammy! Yes.

Oh, thank god.

I wish everyone was so happy to see me.

By the way, Phoenix is very hot. Mm-hmm.

Make sure that you're drinking a lot of water. Got it.

Right. Mm-hmm.

Even if you're not thirsty. Okay.

I've already had three glasses today.

They say you're supposed to have six to eight glasses a day,

but I think it needs to be way more, right? Okay.

Marc. I have been looking for you everywhere.

Hi.

Jen Ryan, Marc's publicist.

Oh, there you are.

I'm so glad you're here.

Um, I have to get you to that thing. Yeah.

So do you mind if I steal him from you for a moment?

Sure.

Well, promise me you'll drink that water?

I promise. Okay.

- All right, Tammy. - All right.

Oh, hey! Horrendous.

Thank you for saving me.

No problem.

So, you're Jen?

I'm Jen.

Great.

All right.

I haven't checked in yet,

but do you want to grab a bite to eat or something?

Let me check your schedule.

Hmm.

Oh, shoot. You're all booked up, see?

Something right there. Sexfest.

Oh, right there. Yep. The sexfest. Yeah.

Yeah, you see that?

So, I think that it's starting right now,

but if we really hurry, I think that we can make it.

So, s-should I check in?

No. There's no time.

Yeah, you're right... no time. We've got to be someplace.

Yeah.

Hope you like the venue.

How long have you been here?

A few hours.

Wow.

Okay.

You want a soda or something?

Yeah. Soda sounds good.

Okay.

I like what you've done with the place.

Nice.

Ahh.

Good warm soda.

Oh.

Jen?

Well, hello, sleeping beauty.

How long was I sleeping?

Couple of days.

Crushed some Ambien in your water.

Are you serious?!

No! Silly. I'm kidding.

Oh. We're there already, huh?

The body was decomposing for months

before anyone found its remains.

Jesus. What are you watching?

Oh, I love murder shows.

So compelling.

Wait... you're not gonna kill me, are you?

Thinking about it.

Wow. This is moving really fast.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go down and check into my room

before they give it away.

Oh, I'll go with you.

I want to get some fresh air anyways.

Wait for me!

Great.

It's kind of scary.

Do you mind holding on to this for me?

I'm always losing these things.

Sure.

Welcome to Phoenix. Are you checking in?

I am. Should be under "maron."

Yeah. There you are.

Marc maron. That's it.

Three days and two nights.

Mm-hmm.

You must be here for the sexfest?

Sexfest?

Yeah... the comedy fest?

Are you performing?

Yeah. Right. The comedy fest. Yes, I'm on it.

Ah.

Do you have any room requests, Mr. maron?

Yeah, my assistant should have called ahead and talked to you...

He'd like a non-smoking room. Those days are behind him.

And nothing on the 5th floor. He hates the smell of chlorine.

You said so on your podcast. I did.

Just a feather.

It must be from the pillows. Yeah.

And how many keys do you need?

Two, please. Just one.

Uh...

You have a key to mine. I should have a key to yours.

Okay. That's fine.

There you go.

Um... Okay.

So, you said you were coming down for air.

Is that still happening?

Oh. Right.

All set.

Okay.

Thank you. Yeah.

No, seriously... thank you.

Oh, our pleasure. Thank you.

Enjoy your stay. Thanks.

Wow!

This is really nice!

Well, what do you mean, it's really nice?

It's the same as you room.

No, it's bigger.

No, it's just not covered in clothing.

And the water pressure's better.

Hey, maybe I should cancel my room.

Why would you do that?

I don't know.

Just seems silly to have two rooms.

I heard about what happened to boomer at the vet.

Did he get his meow back? Did Kyle give him his meds?

Yeah.

Uh, hey, Jen? Yeah?

I-I know you listen to the show and you've seen my stand-up,

maybe you've read my book.

Twice.

Okay, well, it's just that

you know all these things about me.

I don't know anything about you.

Mark, this is sexfest.

Let's not ruin it with baggage.

Yeah, and I love what's going on here.

I just think maybe we should slow down, pull back a bit,

put some of that shit back in your purse.

Why don't you just relax

and try not to have one of your freak-outs?

I know you like this.

What episode did I say that on?

Marc! Hey!

Are you drinking your water? Do you need a water?

No, I'm good. I could use some coffee.

Who's that guy?

Oh, that's Wesley mann.

He's an international comedy booker.

Really? What does he book?

England, Denmark, Australia, Beijing.

There was a gig in Poland.

So, like, the entire planet other than America?

Oh, yes. I guess so.

Well, maybe that's my market.

You know bill Hicks...

Yeah, I know... huge in england. I know. I know.

I know you wouldn't assume

that Finland has a huge comedy scene,

but they do.

And they love American acts

that's what they grew up on. The Finns love conan.

In Finland, don't all the chicks that look like Heidi Klum

come from Finland?

What do you care? You only like Asian kids.

No. No. No. That's Sweden.

And I have a two-week run in Sweden and Norway.

Anyone here been to Norway?

Not in person,

but I come from a long line of Jewish vikings.

Hey!

Wow. Jewish vikings? What?

You should open with that. Uh, yeah.

All right. All right.

You know, I'll take that Sweden gig

if you can pay me in pussy.

Sounds good. We'll put it in your rider.

That's kind of gross.

That's a lot of pussy.

Like, in a bucket?

A bucket of pussy? Yeah.

Where do you come from? Bad places.

Yeah, I bet.

Think about how much pussy that is.

I'm in demand.

Hello?

Slow down.

No, I didn't see your earring.

No, I swear to god, I just had them, okay?!

I took them off when we showered together,

and now I cannot find them anywhere!

Are you sure you didn't throw them away or something?

Look, I'm in the middle of something. I got to call you back.

You know how that goes, right? Oh, yeah.

Don't even...

Wait. Oh. Hold on.

What?

Don't you ever hang up on me like that again!

Do you know how disrespectful that is?

Look, I'm sorry if I was disrespectful, okay?

I'll be up in a few to help you find it, okay?

Okay.

What'd you lose, Marc... Your balls?

Okay, fellas. Good. Good.

These earrings were a birthday present.

All right. All right. All right. Enough. Enough. All right?

I-I-I don't want to do this anymore.

What? I'm gonna have to find them at some point.

Not the earring... this!

All right, I just can't deal with this shit.

What?

Are you breaking up with me?

I got a lot of stuff to do.

I got a podcast to prepare for, all right?

Maybe we should take a breather.

Yeah, okay, fine.

All right, so, we cool?

Yeah. We're cool.

Look, I'll look for it.

I have your phone number.

If I find it, I'll call you.

Yeah, great. Thanks. Here's your room key.

Really great stuff tonight, Marc. Okay.

Any chance I could get you to do my podcast?

What's it called?

"Tub time with tom."

Uh, we do it from my claw-foot tub.

I'm tom.

Oh, god. Look at those sycophants.

Oh, shit.

What do you say, Marc?

You'd be my first episode.

Wait... so, you want me to take a bath with you?

Yeah. I mean, is that weird?

We'd record it.

Or not.

No, man. I'm not doing that.

Hey, man.

Hey, douchebag.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Classic maron.

What are you... what... What are you doing?

I was talking to Anthony.

Yeah, I could see that. What, are you with him now?

You said that you wanted to take some time apart.

Yeah.

And I said that I wanted to have a sexfest.

Yeah, but that was a me-centric sexfest.

Jenny.

Hey, Wes. Do you know mark?

The Jewish viking.

Okay. Yeah.

Hi. How are you?

Jenny tells me you sold out the Steve Allen theater.

For a month straight.

Impressive.

Fancy a meeting back in L.A.?

Yeah. Absolutely.

Great.

I'll see you soon, then.

Wow. Okay.

What... Did you bang him, too?

Yeah... twice.

No, stupid. I ran into him at the bar, and we hit it off.

Well... well, thanks.

That was, uh, very nice.

No, not nice.

He has a huge cock. All right.

There was nothing nice about it.

H-he's British. How big could his cock be?

I mean, let's be honest.

Mm-hmm. Look, I...

I was hard on you earlier, and I'm sorry.

You had a lot on your mind.

No, seriously, I was a dick.

And you... You didn't deserve that.

Does this mean you like me again?

Yes. Y-yes.

Tell me. I like you again.

How much?

Uh...

About that much, really.

But that's not bad.

You want to get some ice cream?

Is that code?

Yeah, for getting ice cream...

And sex.

Great.

'Sup, maron?

Dave.

Jen.

Jen, Dave.

Ahh. This is Jen.

Yes. Hey. Nice to meet you, Dave.

Yeah, nice to meet you.

Mm-hmm.

Everything matches.

Yeah, we're... I think we look great together.

Am I right? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you look great together.

Good, man. All right. I'll see you back in L.A.

All right, don't do anything crazy, you two.

All right.

Talking about anal. Yep.

Totally naked?

Yeah.

How many listeners do you have?

None.

But there is hot water?

Day 2's still going strong.

I know. It's crazy.

Honestly, I thought I was too old for sexfest.

I mean, I thought it'd be maybe a one-event-a-day festival.

I mean, main-stage events, but definitely one event a day.

I thought all performances were pretty awesome.

Aww. Thanks.

Hey.

What did that guy mean when he said that everything matched?

Oh, Dave?

I don't know. He's a weird guy.

Did you...

What?

Oh, my god.

What?

Oh, my god. You showed that guy my picture.

What picture?

The picture that I sent you of my vagina!

You did!

Yeah, I did, okay?

I showed Dave because some strange girl

sent me a picture of her pussy.

I didn't know you then.

Guys have been sharing pussy pictures

since there have been pussies in pictures.

Oh, my god! Who else did you show?!

Nobody!

Well, Kyle saw it, 'cause he opens my e-mails.

But he doesn't know what to do with that information.

If he does, you're helping him.

Asshole!

Oh, come on!

Where are you going? What are you doing?

You know what... I hope you a enjoy those pussy pics,

'cause that's all you have left.

God damn it.

You still want this?

Hell yes, I want it.

Hit me with the whipped cream.

This is your 8:30 wake-up call.

I don't want to get up! Leave me alone!

I'm sorry. I thought you requested...

Oh. I thought you were a machine.

How's everything?

Fine until you yelled at me.

Okay. I'm sorry. All right.

The night is so cold

the night is so cold

the night is so

well, I guess it's funny

how it all went down

don't you know the way

people love to talk in this town?

so they'll be plenty of blame to go around

it was supposed to be a fun weekend, no strings attached.

I thought I could handle it, but what I learned is,

you can have sex with a stranger once and walk away.

But a weekend with her,

how was I supposed to not get emotionally involved,

at least just a little bit?

But I'll have you know,

I respected all pussy-picture etiquette.

All right, yeah, I showed Dave, and Kyle saw it,

but did I forward it?

No, I did not.

Now, what the hell am I supposed to do with this earring?

No English?

Got it.

All right.

Thank you.

Hey. How are things going with the chick, buddy?

Oh, man.

That bad, huh?

Well, I told you not to do it.

No, you didn't.

And the whole "hey, it all matches"...

What the hell was that? What were you thinking?

Oh, come on. She didn't pick up on that.

No, she did, stupid. And it didn't end well.

All right. I'm sorry.

But, uh, it's not like you're gonna marry her.

Maybe I did you a favor.

Oh, great. Well, thank you.

I guess a thank-you is in order, then? Yes.

Okay. Yeah, I get it.

Hey, Marc.

Hey, Wesley.

Wanted to make sure you had my card.

Oh, thanks, man.

Call my assistant.

I want you to do the sweden/norway run.

Wow. Great. Thanks a lot. I appreciate it.

That'd be great. Appreciate it.

And, uh, say goodbye to your girlfriend for me.

Okay.

Did you get your nose out of his ass yet?

You want to open for me in Norway?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, buddy, I'll see you back in L.A.

All right.

Idiot.

Thank you. No, thank you.

Hey.

I thought you took an early flight.

Flight got delayed.

I, uh, found your earring.

It was under the bed.

I looked under the bed.

Thanks.

How you doing?

I'm okay.

I guess it wasn't as easy as I thought it was gonna be.

Yeah.

So... What do you do for a living?

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