Original subtitles

So, I went on a birthday trip

to palm Springs with my girlfriends,

which was like the best birthday I can ever remember...

I mean, not that I can remember a lot of them.

So, was Michelle there?

W-well...

Look, I know you're friends with my ex-wife.

I don't have a problem with it.

Well, good. Good for you.

Um, yeah. I just saw her.

The baby looks adorable.

Ohh. I take it back.

I've got a little bit of a problem.

Marc.

No. All right.

I-I guess I'm glad the baby's okay.

Okay. I'm glad the baby's okay.

You've got to move on, man.

Marc.

What? I...

I thought I, like, lost you. All right. Yep. Party... good.

I'm glad they have babies. Whatever.

Won't fall for it

you can't see

and you can't tell

I just can't drink from the poisoned well

no. I'm serious.

I-I really think I'm finally over her.

Mm-hmm.

Why? Does she talk about me?

Marc, I know that it's fun to be depressed,

but, uh, when was the last time you were on a real date?

I don't know!

I don't even know if I've ever been on a real date.

I mean, it's just so much easier to have sex with fans

and see where that goes.

Okay. That's disturbing. What?

Hey, I have someone.

What? And she runs this, you know, cool,

little store down on York.

She's funny, and she's hip.

Yeah? Is she a fan? I don't know, Marc.

You might actually have to work for this one. Eh.

Listen, I'm doing this group reading tonight.

Why don't you come by?

It'd be a great, you know, low-pressure way

to meet someone. Yes, but is it easier

than just me going through my fan e-mails?

I'm pretending you didn't say that.

There's a homeless guy going through your garbage.

That's not a homeless guy. That's my dad.

Although he is homeless.

Hey. Dad, I didn't hear your mobile mcmansion pull up.

Look at this, you cocky, little shit.

I mean, that's 2 1/2 cents you just threw out, huh? Hmm.

You two, uh, banging? No, dad. This is illeana...

Please, don't tell him my name.

Oh.

You're coming tonight, right? Yes.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh. I met this lady online.

She's very special. Mm.

She's a... she's a... She's a great typer.

She's way faster than me. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Of course, I got to do it only with just the one hand.

All right. All right. Okay.

Hey, you really should come over

and check out the casa sometime, huh?

Yes. Yes. I will try to do that.

Okay. Anytime.

Uh, except tomorrow between 1:00 and 3:00.

Street cleaning.

"Smoke wafted through the champagne room

"as Bambi shook her tattooed breasts

in the face of the vietnamese businessman."

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Marc, this is Megan.

Hi. Hi.

"Her thoughts were with that little girl,

"waiting for the bus in the rain."

Nice space you got here.

"There was so much she wanted to say to that little girl,

if indeed she wasn't a figment of her dark imagination."

She's really working through some issues here.

Shh!

"She grinded her vagina into his unrepentant thigh,

"and all Bambi could think was...

'I have the power.'"

I like it.

It's like proust meets penthouse letters.

I saw that smile.

You cannot be a huge fan of iggy pop

if all you have is "lust for life."

It's a classic.

Yeah, for people who don't...

You know, who aren't real fans of iggy pop.

To be a real fan, you've got to listen to the stooges.

Uh, the three stooges? Oh, come on!

Make me a tape.

Oh... make... make...

Are we there? Is that where we're at?

Are we making tapes already?

I've known you 10 minutes.

This is terrible. What?!

No. I'm having... We're having a terrible time.

No, no. This is good. No. This is a disaster.

Have you ever heard my podcast?

Uh... No.

What do you do in your podcast?

What is it? I talk, man. I...

You just talk? For a little while.

You just... and then I talk to comedians and actors.

But do you have any information in it?

Or is it just... a lot of information about me.

Wow. S-so, now they're saying that soy is bad for you?

Yeah. I was surprised, too.

Apparently, it mimics estrogen in high doses.

Oh. Then I am working on a great set of tits.

Huh.

Hey, guys... So sorry to interrupt.

Megan, I need you to be at the register.

Somebody wants to buy my book.

It's never happened before.

I don't know what to do. Yay.

Yay.

I'll be right back. Okay.

I recommend the dip. It smells like pussy.

Is... That a good thing?

I'm justine.

Marc. Mm.

"M" is for magnificence. "A" is for autonomous.

"R" is for radiant. And "k" is for knowledge.

Uh, actually, it's with a "c."

"C" is for cunnilingus.

Sure. That... That starts with a "c."

So, did you enjoy my piece?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was, uh... that was great.

Mm. It was heavy. Heavy.

So, uh, what made you decide to write that?

Well, that's what I do. I'm a writer.

Oh, of course.

I wasn't implying that you weren't a writer.

Well, that's what it says on my license plate...

You know, without the "I" and the "e."

Right. Right.

I just meant to compliment your imagination.

I mean, you really seemed to get inside the head

of a dominatrix.

Because that's my day job.

Oh. Okay.

Oh. It does smell like pussy.

Hey, there he is.

I was hoping you'd stop by.

I fixed the place up.

Yeah, I thought I'd come... Come around

and see what you got done in here.

Yeah. Wow.

Nice.

I hope you didn't feel the need

to bring a housewarming present.

Nope. It's not a house.

Yeah. Fair enough.

So, um... What do you want to do?

You want to play cards, watch TV?

I don't know.

Who's that? Her? That's my lady.

Does she have a name?

Yeah. It's kind of weird.

I just call her "the pineapple."

We met at one of those Internet dating sites...

You know, the ones that pair up millionaires with models.

How about a game of crazy eights?

Okay. You gonna deal her in?

She doesn't want to play.

I hear Michelle had a baby.

Uh...

It must be a great-looking kid.

Oh, come on!

You're not still hung up on that broad, are you?

I mean, you've got to get out there, man,

blow some steam out of your dick.

Here. Let me give you the name of that website.

You like models?

Well, you know, actually I met someone tonight,

and, uh, yeah, I'm not sure where it's gonna go

or what's gonna happen.

Oh, come on, Marc. What are you waiting for?

You know, life is short.

It pains me to see you like this, son.

I just want you to be as happy as me and the pineapple.

I don't know. You guys set a pretty high bar.

Hey, it's Marc maron.

Yes, that one, from the other... right.

Exactly. That's me. I'm him.

Uh... I don't think I've asked a girl out

since I was in sixth grade.

I don't know how that's possible,

but I was trying to figure it out.

Stop babbling. Where do you want to take me?

You know, for as long as I can remember,

I've always drawn to writing,

you know, to follow in the tradition

of the great female writers...

Emily Dickinson, Virginia woolf, Evelyn waugh...

Well, uh, great. You know, I-I, uh...

I like a lot of those writers, as well.

I mean, Evelyn waugh was technically a man,

but I-I-I agree that "brideshead revisited"

reads as chick lit.

Oh, you make me laugh, Marc maron.

But that wasn't really a... Joke.

You know, I, uh... I read "the Jerusalem syndrome."

It's very clever.

Wow. You read my book.

Well, the first five pages that were free on Amazon, yes.

Okay. All right. Still, that's more than my parents read.

So, what made you decide to be a writer?

Oh. A book deal.

I don't know. I...

I like capturing the small moments

that happen in my day.

You know, it helps me make sense of the world.

Hmm.

Like yesterday, I had this client

who wanted me to shove my foot in his ass.

Okay. Well, yeah.

Okay, yeah, I could see how that would be the basis

of a... Of a poem or a short story

or trip to the emergency room.

No. No, that wouldn't happen. I'm a professional.

Good to know.

Look, it's... it's my job, and I love it.

Hmm.

But if we're gonna take this to the next level,

I really want to be myself.

Great.

'Cause, yeah, I'm not really...

Yeah, uh, that... That's not really my thing.

I... yeah, I'm... I'm not... I wouldn't say I'm normal,

but... yeah, I'm open-minded, but I have, uh...

I have never craved... A... A foot in my ass.

Hmm.

Uh, yeah.

We'll see.

I-I just have to grab my books. It'll just be second.

Okay.

Do you want to give me a hand?

Uh...

Actually, do you mind if I stay in the car?

Do it!

Oh. Hey, girl.

I just came to pick up my unsold ones...

If there are any.

Uh, there's couple boxes in the back.

Marc.

Hey.

You good?

Are you?

Marc, are you gonna help me out back here?!

What is he doing?

I don't know.

She reads the Bible and listens to him talk all day.

She has an amazing tolerance for bullshit.

Who the hell knows what people see in each other?

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, you chose the dominatrix slut over Megan.

Easy. She's a writer.

Just because her day job involves lube,

doesn't make her any less of an artist.

Megan really liked you.

Do you know how hard it was

to talk her into even meeting you?

You're a 48-year-old, twice-divorced

recovering drug addict who drives a camry.

That was kind of a hard sell.

Hey, hey. don't... Don't knock the camry.

It's always on the, uh... The list of most-stolen cars.

They're very sought after.

You know, this doesn't make any sense.

I mean, you're Mr. jealousy.

Now you're gonna be dating someone

who gives hand jobs for a living.

I know! I was just thinking about that.

I must be evolving as a person...

Or I'm dead inside.

You're deliberately sabotaging yourself

'cause Megan is a real person and that scares you.

So, instead, you're gonna throw yourself

into a relationship that can have no future.

Why? Just because she has a job that you don't approve of?

I mean, spare me the judgment.

I like this girl. This might be serious.

Hmm. Uh, she doesn't have a dishwasher.

Ugh.

Oh, god. That was... okay.

Okay. You good?

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, my god.

Whoo.

Oh, god.

That was amazing.

God, it was just so tender.

I feel so connected to you.

You liked it, right?

Yeah. Yeah, it was great.

'Cause, you know, uh, if you feel

like living on the edge...

There's things I can do to you.

Uh, no. I'm good.

I'm... you know, I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm good.

It's great.

God, what are you so afraid of?

I'm... I'm not afraid.

I just... see, I just like regular sex, you know?

Well, how do you know what you like

if you haven't tried it?

All right. Like, what do you have in mind?

Well I'd like to tie you to this bed,

and do you things to you until you beg me to stop.

Nah, uh... well... I'm good.

I'm just trying to blow your mind.

I'm... I'm blown.

I-I mean, my mind is... Is blown.

You're afraid.

I don't know what's happening.

Couldn't get it in the litter box?

This isn't a goddamn carnival game.

Hey, neighbor.

I brought you a little something here. No knocking?

Huh? How could I?

What is that?

This is called sinigang soup.

I mean, it's, uh, sour pork soup.

The pineapple made it for me.

I mean, she's so good to me. I don't really deserve her.

Here. Okay. I'm glad that's working out for you.

I want you to try it. Here. It's good.

You'll love it. I don't want it. I don't want it.

Just try it.

It's supposed to be very healthy for you.

It's healthy. Mm! Mnh-mnh!

Wow. That is horrible.

I guess it's not just me.

Oh, wait.

Hold on. I've got to take this.

What the hell is philippine, anyway. What is that?

Some kind of Chinese-Mexican hybrid, right?

I don't...

All right. I'm going.

Hello.

Oh, hey, uh, I'm at a job, and my truck's dead.

Do you think you could give me a lift?

What? You don't have AAA?

No. I have you.

All right. All right. Send me the address.

I'll come down there.

Okay. Yeah. See you in a few.

Hey, honey. Hey, baby. You ready to go?

Come on in. I'm just finishing up with a client.

Oh, no. I-I don't want to watch this sad bastard.

I-I am a sad bastard.

You shut up and lick my boot.

I'm just gonna wait outside.

Oh, come on, Marc.

I'm just gonna be a few minutes.

Don't you like watching me work?

Not really.

I like it.

Of course you like it.

Come on, Marc. I thought you were more open-minded.

Look, I-I don't care what you do to this loser.

I-I am a loser.

Hey, tell your boyfriend to spit on me.

Okay. You bite this.

Hold on a minute.

Am I part of this idiot's humiliation fantasy?

I-I am an idiot. Shut up.

He said shut up.

Look, would it bother you

if you were a part of his humiliation fantasy?

Wait. Do you even need a ride?

Does that matter?

Yeah. That's why I came down here.

And now you're gonna run away

because you can't handle it.

I can handle it.

More. More.

Okay. We're not talking to you.

Look, I can handle it.

I just... I-I don't want to be part of it.

Marc, this is what I am.

Fine. Whatever. Get AAA.

Wait. Who's in charge here?

Shut up.

Hey. Hi.

I-I just wanted to apologize for last night.

I shouldn't have made you see that stuff with Darren.

He's a "Darren"?

So, do you want to hang out?

You know, just... Just normal stuff.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Come on in.

Oh. Um, before I forget.

I, uh... I made you this.

Oh. What is it?

It's banana bread.

Hmm. I know you like it.

I heard you talk about it on your podcast.

Yeah, well...

Thank you.

I-I-I can't do this anymore.

What? I'm sorry.

Wait. Okay. Is this about last night?

No. It's just that... Like, this is a...

This is a nice thing.

This is the kind of thing that...

It's like a thoughtful thing you do for a significant other,

and I just... I don't know.

I don't want to be significant.

Holy shit.

So... so, you... you don't care that I pee on guys,

but you're freaked out right now

that I made you banana bread.

I know. It's weird, right?

But you get it on some level, don't you?

No.

Well, I can try to explain it to you.

Do you want me to try to explain it to you?

You little piece of shit.

Yeah, I could... I could see how you could think that.

Whoa.

You're... you're doing your thing.

Uh, I get it.

You are gonna get what I give you,

and I want you to know that you're a piece of shit!

Now, shut up!

I'm sorry, justine.

You've really got to leave.

You're a frightened, little man.

Yes, I am.

Hey, it Marc. Yes, Marc maron.

Uh-huh. That guy.

Look, I'm sorry about earlier.

It was awkward, it was my fault, and I feel bad about it.

And I-I-I want to make it up to you somehow

because I think we have a... a good thing.

So... I know.

Do you want to hang out tonight or what?

Can we do that? Can you... can you... can you...

I-I would totally understand if you don't want to.

Yes? Great.

Okay. I'll do that.

All right. I'll see you in a bit.

Okay. Bye.

You want to suck on these, little man?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Well, you don't deserve to, you pussy.

I'll tell you what you can have.

Uh... no, no. No. What's the safe word?

What's the safe word?

Oh. The safe word... Is "marry me."

Oh, god!

Are you okay? Oh. Yeah.

Horrible dream. Mm-hmm.

Very relieved.

Ho.

What happened?

Oh, Megan. You're a nice person.

I don't think we should be having sex.

But we just did.

I know. I can't drag you into my sordid world.

I'm no good.

It's... it's just that even if things between us

are beautiful and right,

I would make you dirty just by virtue

of what I've been through.

I mean, I've been with a lot of crazy...

My dick's been through wars.

Justine?

Yeah. How you doing?

All right.

Come outside.

There's something I want to show you.

Right now? Yeah.

Hello?

I just screwed your father, you rotten prick!

Larry. Yeah?

It was a pleasure. You've got my number.

Yeah.

That's a great piece of ass you gave up there, Marc.

Yeah. She just used you to piss me off.

Yeah. I know. That's why I got a discount.

What happened to pineapple?

She has a name, Marc. It's yvelisse.

All right. What happened to yvelisse?

She moved on. I moved on.

Why don't you move on.

I see red flags as either a slalom course,

or, perhaps, if there's enough of them,

like, I just see it as an advertisement for a club

I can't help but go into.

Like, you know, "what's gonna go... let's go in there.

There's nothing but heartbreak and chaos in there."

I don't know what I'm saying, really.

I just... I just don't know how many more times

I can stick my dick into a hurricane

and expect something else to happen.

I don't know what is wrong with me,

but if look into a woman's eyes

and there's nothing but... But storm and chaos,

I'm like, "I'm going in. Where's my raincoat?"

You know, I'm in there,

and I'm standing there in a storm

with just two things that look like jumper cables,

saying, you know, "where's the broken-daddy box?

Maybe if I plug directly into it, I can hang on for awhile."

Does that make sense, anybody? I mean, is that something...

Did I just create some kind of freudian or jungian landscape

that people can hang their metaphorical hat on?

I don't know. It makes sense to me.

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