Original subtitles

I was just thinking about you falling into the Christmas tree last year.

I didn't fall into anything.

- What are you doing in that? - We'll take the BMW. Come on.

- It's not yours. - It will be, though.

Not necessarily. He may not have left it to you.

Of course he will have. You can't drive.

Come here. Uh!

Ooh, I do wish you'd shave off that moustache.

Pot, kettle. Come on.

Let's go and get it over with.

Ripped By mstoll

Well, this is bloody ridiculous.

Yes, well, I'm sorry, but your father left very...

specific instructions.

Yes, clearly. Can we just...

Oh, God.

It was your dad's favourite.

Oh, I see. I'm in hell.

Continue.

"I, Richard Davies, being of sound mind,

"do make this my will and final testament.

"My darling wife, Polly, you are a wonderful woman

"and to you I leave my share of the house and all of my savings.

"In addition, I ask this.

"Please move on. Find a man.

"Someone who will give you what you so desperately need.

"A man with real girth.

"You know what I'm talking about, you naughty pussycat.

"You need lots of cream, like all... pussycats do."

- Christ. - I do like cream.

- Can we... - Of course.

"Remember our first holiday in Spain, when I was as horny as a bullock."

Fucking hell.

"I took you in that field behind Salvador's Bar and you started howling...

"...over my back,

"and even though it hurt like hell the next day and the smell was unbearable,

"we both agreed it was worth it."

Hmm.

"Daniel, my son,

"you can't have my car.

"I love you but you are the weakest Daniel of all the Daniels,

"Daniel Craig and Danny Glover, to name but two.

"Even Daniel Radcliffe could overpower you easily,

"even if he was tired from a long day of filming.

"So Daddy will, as ever, have to step in.

"I leave you the flat."

Bloody hell!

My own home.

"However, you're obviously not ready for the pressures of a property portfolio,

"and your mum is too soft,

"and so I have made some arrangements."

We haven't seen Auntie Nesta since I was about four.

- Why the hell would he put her in charge? - No idea.

They were never close,

and the one time she did visit, she clearly hated you.

What? Why?

Well, you were so long and strange-looking, Daniel.

I could barely get you in the pram. You unsettled everyone.

Your dad used to tell people your hormones were all wrong.

I'll bet he did.

He was very proud of you.

Bollocks.

I was a toy to him, and now... well, it sounds melodramatic,

but he's trying to destroy me from beyond the grave.

He's not trying to destroy you from beyond the grave, Daniel.

He is. But it won't work. I'll go and get the bloody thing signed today.

On Christmas Eve?

Yes. Give me the waiver, Emperor Palpatine.

Head of the household.

Well, head of the household, how are you going to get there?

What?

Oh, happy fucking Christmas.

Is it like this?

Well, no, not really.

Ahh. More like this one?

It burns when I go to the toilet. It's not remotely like Christmas lights.

You say that. What about this one?

Thought so.

Ouch.

Don't worry. We'll sort you out with some ho-ho-h'antibiotics.

Merry Christmas!

Can I have a word, please, Jo?

- Oh! Emma, hi! - Oh, hello!

- Bit of last-minute shopping? - Oh, yeah.

With a shocking hangover, unfortunately.

- Oh, were you out last night? - Yeah, just a few from work.

Oh... who was there?

Oh, um... the usual. Jenny, Martin...

- Alistair from maths? - Yeah, Al was there, yeah.

Ohh, was he wearing Joop?

Did you not get the round robin?

I don't know. Let's have a look, shall we? Oh, no.

I blocked last night out to be with Mum, cos it was the will reading today, so...

How was it? Is your mum OK?

She's fine. She had me, so, you know...

A real scaffolding of strength.

God. I forgot, actually.

I've got an appointment on January 2nd with, um... Tony Shingler.

- Who? - Shingler's Carpet Barn.

Thought I might get me some new carpets.

Seems like a false economy in a rented place, doesn't it, but...

Does Alistair from maths rent?

Are you OK, Dan?

All right, sir?

Finally ask Miss out, did ya?

What is that on your top lip?

This is my time!

You total loser.

What about a wet room?

I'm gonna go now, Dan.

Happy Christmas.

See you soon.

Said the spider to the fly.

- You. Come on. We've got something to do. - How did you know I'd be in here?

You've been sacked again, right?

Looking forward to Christmas, Shakira?

Go shit off a rope swing.

- Yep. - I robbed 'em blind.

Serves them right for sacking me. How ungrateful!

If anyone needs Christmas, it's them, I tell you that much...

Just get out.

You can't keep using it.

It says here in black and white,

"If there's anything I can do, you only need ask."

You shouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it, Brian.

It was six months ago. I think I've been pretty supportive.

And where the hell are we? I presumed you would know where your own aunt lives.

"Unqualified, blah blah, inappropriate grotto." Nothing about why I was sacked.

- Total mystery, crazy Rudolph. - Yes.

And can you take those off? They're going to scuff the roof lining.

As if I haven't superglued them!

She fully commits to Christmas. You know that, Brian.

- Old school. - Yes.

- What's offensive about that? - Yeah, shut up now. We're here.

Christ.

There's effluent everywhere. The Scénic will be covered.

Oh, take your Caps Lock off. Bit of mud on your tyres.

There'll be body flick-up. It's basic physics.

Hurry up and get the bloody thing signed.

Oh, right.

Just bowl in there and slam a waiver down, shall I?

Honestly, Brian.

I do things differently now.

She's just lost her brother. I need to empathise with her and then I'll cajole.

That's what they say about me these days,

"He empathises and then, and only then, does he cajole."

They don't say anything about you.

Did you get her a Crimbo pressie, mate?

Oh, shit!

- What's this? - It's a painting for Julia.

Just... get out.

My God, you're a selfish man.

A-And you're not getting back in this car with muddy feet!

Look at that bloody suit.

Yeah, he's really got his act together since his dad died.

Yes.

Oh...

Yes, he has.

Heel!

- Oh! Fucking hell. - All right, Piss! Heel! Come on!

What do you think of this bastard?

He seems like... a nice trout.

Now, you have got the time for me to walk round this corner to tell me who you are

and then all hell will break loose!

Oh. Oh, no, that's fine.

I mean, you probably recognise me. If you imagine me without the moustache...

Come on, speak, you great fat giraffe, or I'm going to get my gun.

- No, no, you don't... - Piss! Piiiiisss!

Come on! It's gun time!

- It's not gun... - Come on, Piss!

She's got a fucking gun!

This does not bode well.

Barry, if you do not furnish me with venison by this evening,

you know what the consequences will be.

Bonne bloody chance!

Why didn't you tell me you were Richard's boy?!

Well, I sort of thought you might be able to...

Yeah, same rubbered face!

No question whose tangerines you flew out of.

So... what are you?

Hello. I'm Jo.

I like what you did with your face. You've made it red. Very Christmassy.

- Does she have a helper? - Well...

They do have helpers nowadays, don't they?

- Present, present. - Oh, Nesta.

Happy Christmas.

- What the hell is this?! - Just, er...

That... That's... a painting I did. Er...

It's a knight.

That's Brian.

I don't have time for this! I have enough on my hands with this hairy cretin!

I am not looking at you, Piss!

And I shan't!

OK, Nesta, I...

The thing is, I...

Sorry, Nesta, I...

Yeah, Auntie... Auntie Nesta!

Sorr... Sorry to raise my voice, but I'm afraid I've come here with some bad news.

You see, it's... it's Dad. He's...

Dead?

Feared as much.

Did you?

This is the first year he hasn't rung me up, pretending to be someone else,

telling me he's dead.

Ohh, I suspected he'd go first.

Had no purpose, you see.

Well, there you go, people die. Hmm.

Good luck, Dickie.

What, is... is that it?

Well, do you want me to suckle you, boy?

No!

OK, look.

Dad left me the flat in his will,

but for some reason he stipulated that I can't have it until you say so,

so I've got this waiver. If you could...

Aha.

Look at my list.

Barry will be back any second, empty-handed.

I shall have to punish him and go out and bag a deer myself.

So...

if you want me to sign that waiver,

you are going to have to earn it.

Nobody gets something for nothing at Rose Bush Farm!

Loads to be done.

Come on, hound!

Barry has failed us!

Right.

- Is this all part of your plan? - I'm adapting my plan.

Cool. OK. OK, well, I'll... I'll start bringing Christmas.

I'm thinking, "Defrost her freezer. Use the sludge to make a snowman."

You've lost three jobs in three weeks. You touch nothing.

Right.

Think I can handle bringing a turkey in from a shed and popping it in the oven,

eh, Dad?

By the way...

... what the fuck is this?

"I think that will really put Jersey on the map, "

said Bergerac. He put on his tweed jacket...

Shoo, shoo!

Bzzz! Buzz off!

Please. Not like this. I have children.

Give it a kiss.

What?

Give my gun... a little kiss.

Good.

Don't throw things at my cow again.

The poor old soul has quite enough on her plate as it is.

Ah, there you are, Barry.

Walk behind me.

I am incredibly angry with you. Do you understand?

I think I'm going to hit you.

Oh, no.

Well, mate.

I didn't expect you to be alive, but... here we are.

It looks like new Dan has got a few more tests to pass yet.

I can hear Dad laughing now. "You can't do it, Daniel. You're too weak."

But... but he was wrong.

He was always wrong.

Life for a life, old friend.

A life for a life.

Hmm.

Ow! Ow, ow!

Ow!

Ow! Argh!

Oh, my God! Ow!

Oh, my God.

Oh! Oh!

- Dan? - Fuck!

Ow! It won't die!

It won't fucking die!

Ow! Argh!

Kill it! Help me!

Argh! Argh!

Kill it!

Kill it!

- Aah! - Aah!

Aah!

You bloody fool. You let it escape.

What the hell are you doing?! You're supposed to be getting a waiver signed!

I was helping my aunt prepare for Christmas.

But now we're up here, I'm on a hunt for an escaped turkey!

What's the matter? Worried about getting your dress dirty?

You don't think maybe she meant that turkey?

Right, I just need to get this in the oven, Brian.

Oh, we're cooking now, are we?

Dan, I only told the vicar I was popping out for a packet of Tunes.

It's all under control.

No, it isn't. It never is.

Oh, I see.

Can't bear it, can you, when someone else starts getting their life together?

You really need to take a look at the man in the mirror.

Don't you quote Michael Jackson at me.

And I am aware of the lip, Brian. The pain is sickening.

I'm not talking about the turkey bite. I... I'm talking about... all of it!

These are minor setbacks, Mr Throw The Towel In.

Don't you dare call me "Mr Throw The Towel In".

Why? Because you know your name?

Maybe I should use some of your other names.

Mr Know It All. Mr Tedious. Prefer them?

Or Mr Buy A Packet of Sweets And Make it Last For A Month.

Mr Washes His Car Rather Than Talks To His Wife!

- Are these hitting home? - OK, you've clearly lost it.

Lost what, Mr Watch Reruns Of The Space Shuttle Launch?

One more and I leave. The ice is that thin, Daniel!

Ohh!

Mr Thin Ice!

- Mr Goodbye! - You're not going anywhere!

Don't get turkey juice on my surplice!

Oi!

What's going on here? Stop fighting.

It's Christmas!

Oh, no.

I hadn't quite finished.

Finished what?

Tampax and condoms? Oh, my God.

Wicked, right?

What have you done?

She said we had to help with her Christmas list.

Oh, no.

And where on the Christmas list did it say stick some nodders on a tree?

I had to improvise from the clinic, obviously. I think she'll like it.

She won't like it. No-one would like it!

- Tell her, Brian. - Who cares? Nesta's insane.

She made me kiss a gun because I threw a travel sweet at a cow.

A Christmas tree with condoms on it isn't going to trouble her.

That's my painting, you bastard.

- After I drove you here! - Yes.

And maybe if I hadn't given my auntie a weird painting

of a droopy-moustached financial Sir Galahad,

we wouldn't be in this mess!

I mean, what the fuck?!

God, that gobbling bastard's in the house!

We've got to stop it before Nesta gets back.

Brian? Brian.

Listen. Listen, I've revised my plan. It's OK.

Brian, you get in the bucket of that digger over there

and I'll get you up through the open window...

- Oh! ...and you can stop the turkey.

He wants me again now. Typical! Well, no, not this time.

You can't walk away from this, Brian.

You promised.

Oh, well done, Brian. The waiver was in there.

It's OK. I think if we get in the house I can probably Sellotape this.

Why the hell do you need it signed today anyway? Why today, Dan?

He was going to ask Emma to move in with him.

Oh, Dan.

You've only had one drink with the girl.

I just thought if I owned a place that I could move things on a bit.

It's this guy at work, Alistair.

He's just... better.

That's it, keep going!

Keep going!

Keep going! Keep going!

Keep going!

- How has this happened? - Keep going!

Hmm.

What are you doing?

I can't work out how to swivel it around.

Gaahh!

The turkey's going mental.

I can hear you, you corn-fed twat!

Can't you just jump the gap, Brian?

I think you might be confusing me with ET.

I might have known you wouldn't know how to drive a digger.

I can drive a digger. I just can't drive this digger.

I'm sorry I can't drive enough diggers for you!

Guys, I honestly think she'll like the tree.

Shut the fuck up.

Nesta, that's not a deer! It's Jo!

Dan, look out! She's got a gun! Nesta, wait! Don't shoot!

Aaah!

Oh, she shot the cow.

This is not bringing Christmas.

Shut up. The cow hasn't been shot.

She's in breech.

Won't live, poor old girl.

No! There must be something you can do.

I'm too old for pulling the buggers out any longer and I haven't got the strength.

I'll do it.

What?

I think...

...no?

Seriously.

I'll do it.

I mean, this is awful.

- How long is this supposed to take? - Stop moaning, boy. Just... Just grab it.

Grab? What am I supposed to be grabbing, Nesta?

I'm like Peter Duncan with that log in Flash Gordon here.

- Come on. What can you feel? - I can feel the inside of a cow.

- It's disgusting. - Oh, don't be so stupid.

- Get its hoof, boy! Get its hoof! - I've got it. I think I've got its hoof!

Well, pull it, then! Pull it! Come on! Pull!

You great daddy fat-lips!

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, Christ!

Oh! Oh!

Ohhh!

Oh! Oh!

- I did it. - It's like... It's like the baby Jesus.

It isn't.

Odd, isn't it? Life.

So precious.

- One forgets. - Nesta.

Dad would have never have done this, would he?

What? No, no, he never liked getting his hands dirty.

He was too busy swanning off to university, in a scarf.

Huh! He was a funny bugger, though. Hmm.

Come on, crazy girl. Show me what you've done to my tree.

You're very lucky, you know.

In my day, you would have been wandering round a village

with a bell around your neck.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, hear that, old man?

Maybe I'm a stronger Daniel than you thought!

- Dan... - Brian, this is great.

I really think I've drawn a line under something here.

You know why your dad tried to wind you up, don't you?

What?

He thought you were mates.

He thought you were his best mate.

I'm sorry you're missing your choir.

Come on.

I'll take you home.

Dan!

No!

Well, I'd better get the Land Rover.

- Happy Christmas. - Thank you.

Absent friends.

Polly! I need you!

Your puny little oven won't take the ham I bought.

What the hell we're going to eat on Boxing Day, God alone knows!

How you two have survived alone is a complete mystery!

How long is she staying?

I don't know.

It's lovely that she's here, though, isn't it?

Oh! Oh!

Ripped By mstoll