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1
00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:06,599
(GROANS)
2
00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:10,626
Charlotte's idea of a
birthday present...
3
00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:15,664
half a dozen sessions with Morrie
Samuels here to help tone my body,
4
00:01:15,708 --> 00:01:18,268
make me fit and supple.
5
00:01:18,311 --> 00:01:19,300
Ooh!
6
00:01:19,345 --> 00:01:22,371
Amnesty International would
have something to say
7
00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:26,283
if they knew what went
on down here! Ooh!
8
00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:30,346
My body will not take much
more of this, Morrie!
9
00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:32,756
Oh, yes, it will!
You'd be surprised.
10
00:01:32,792 --> 00:01:35,761
- So what's your line?
- Eh?
11
00:01:35,795 --> 00:01:39,629
- Your game? Your job?
- Oh, antiques.
12
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,725
We get quite a few dealers in here.
13
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:46,637
After lifting old, dusty
bric-a-brac all day,
14
00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:52,168
they need a bit of a steam.
Like them rufty, tufty scaffolders.
15
00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:55,704
Yeah, but who else comes in,
apart from the S and M crowd?
16
00:01:55,748 --> 00:01:57,716
Who else?
17
00:01:57,750 --> 00:02:01,777
All sorts.
Especially all sorts!
18
00:02:01,821 --> 00:02:06,315
- Yesterday, you know who lay here?
- Shergar?
19
00:02:06,359 --> 00:02:12,355
A retired British diplomat.
Spent his whole life in the Middle East.
20
00:02:12,398 --> 00:02:17,267
Been everywhere, spoke
every Arab dialect.
21
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:19,794
Give him a real going over, did you?
22
00:02:19,839 --> 00:02:22,034
This might interest you.
23
00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:25,169
My only interest is
what time you finish!
24
00:02:25,211 --> 00:02:27,702
He said he was going abroad
25
00:02:27,747 --> 00:02:30,807
and wanted rid of a collection
of Islamic antiques.
26
00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:33,341
I got his name and address.
27
00:02:33,386 --> 00:02:35,820
Might be worth a shot.
28
00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:40,690
Whatever you say, Morrie.
Whatever you say!
29
00:02:40,727 --> 00:02:45,664
It's a magnificent spread, Lovejoy.
My mouth is watering already.
30
00:02:45,698 --> 00:02:48,599
I can taste the sausages and bacon.
31
00:02:48,635 --> 00:02:51,069
- Morning, Tinker!
- Good morning.
32
00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:53,572
Lovejoy. Morning, Charlotte.
33
00:02:53,606 --> 00:02:56,302
Well, well, well.
34
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:59,834
Caught in the act!
35
00:02:59,879 --> 00:03:01,210
Hmm?
36
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:06,241
Gets rid of the toxins one day,
then puts them back the next!
37
00:03:06,286 --> 00:03:10,017
Charlotte, yesterday, I had
three apples and one banana.
38
00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:12,786
Today I'm having some food.
39
00:03:12,825 --> 00:03:14,816
But you promised you'd try!
40
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:19,795
Food is essential for a
well-balanced diet. True, Tink?
41
00:03:19,832 --> 00:03:24,792
Absolutely. Why starve yourself
to death in order to live longer?
42
00:03:24,837 --> 00:03:30,400
I'm not worried about you.
You're far too old for it to affect you.
43
00:03:30,443 --> 00:03:33,276
- Thank you! Tea?
- But you, Lovejoy!
44
00:03:33,313 --> 00:03:39,809
You've still got a few miles left.
Isn't it worth a teeny, weeny try?
45
00:03:39,852 --> 00:03:41,444
No salt!
It makes you aggressive!
46
00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:47,687
Charlotte...
if it tastes good, spit it out!
47
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:51,458
- Why are you dressed like that?
- To play tennis.
48
00:03:51,497 --> 00:03:55,297
Sorry, we've got to see
a retired diplomat
49
00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:58,168
about some Islamic artefacts.
50
00:03:58,204 --> 00:04:03,801
That's right. After breakfast.
Never set out on an empty stomach!
51
00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:32,601
- Mr Plumb?
- MAN: Yes?
52
00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:35,665
- Lovejoy and Tinker Dill.
- Major Dill.
53
00:04:35,708 --> 00:04:37,573
Yes?
54
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:41,808
Morrie Samuels. Islamic artefacts.
I called you.
55
00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:43,543
Oh, yes, so you did.
56
00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:49,353
- I suppose you'd like to come in.
- Yeah.
57
00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:53,417
Excuse the mess.
I'm packing.
58
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:58,726
Seem to have spent the last 12
months packing and unpacking.
59
00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:01,791
Take a seat.
Please, take a seat.
60
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:07,271
Lovejoy says you've lived all
your life in the Middle East.
61
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:12,540
That's right. Pick any road between
Istanbul and Aden, Cairo and Kabul,
62
00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:15,775
you can be damn sure
I've been along it.
63
00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:20,684
- I knew the British ambassador of...
- No, I was never in the jet stream.
64
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:25,680
I was consular. Passports, trouble
in the souk, the odd death...
65
00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:29,627
The wheels of diplomacy
creaking along...
66
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:31,789
Ever been to the Middle East?
67
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:33,560
- Never.
- Not yet.
68
00:05:33,599 --> 00:05:35,066
Oh, you should.
69
00:05:35,101 --> 00:05:38,434
Go to the desert. Tread in the steps
of Thesiger in the Rub' al-Khali.
70
00:05:38,471 --> 00:05:43,272
The sand dunes are quite awesome.
71
00:05:43,309 --> 00:05:46,710
There can be over 1,000 kilometres
between you and the sea.
72
00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:49,271
I'd stay on the beach!
73
00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:52,807
Thesiger said that if
you enter the desert,
74
00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:57,255
it leaves an imprint on you
and brands you as a nomad.
75
00:05:57,290 --> 00:06:00,521
Gives you a yearning to return.
76
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,553
In some men it's strong,
in others weak.
77
00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:11,765
As for me, I always take a bowl
of red desert sand wherever I go.
78
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:15,763
- It curbs the desire.
- Look. Dried figs.
79
00:06:17,510 --> 00:06:19,808
Camel shit, actually.
80
00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:24,409
You do have something
to show us, don't you?
81
00:06:24,450 --> 00:06:25,815
Oh, I do, indeed.
82
00:06:26,018 --> 00:06:29,715
But in the Middle East
everything had its own speed.
83
00:06:29,756 --> 00:06:34,022
Anyway, you're only getting
the Reader's Digest version.
84
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:39,692
But first I want to give you a small
treatise on diplomatic protocol.
85
00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:44,192
- We do have a busy day, Mr Plumb.
- It's for your own good.
86
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,604
- Call me Harold. Sounds better.
- Certainly, Harold.
87
00:06:48,641 --> 00:06:50,836
If you are a member
88
00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:55,139
of Her Britannic Majesty's
Diplomatic Service
89
00:06:55,181 --> 00:07:01,086
and you're given a gift from a
member of a country that you're in,
90
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:06,649
you may keep it provided that
the value does not exceed £100.
91
00:07:06,692 --> 00:07:11,322
Otherwise, it has to be handed
over to the Foreign Office,
92
00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:13,764
where it is then put into auction
93
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:18,464
and the original recipient may
bid for it if he so wishes
94
00:07:18,504 --> 00:07:22,338
and that way it avoids
corruption or influence.
95
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,104
Do you follow me so far?
96
00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:27,078
- So far.
- So good.
97
00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:32,278
During my career, I was naturally
presented with many gifts -
98
00:07:32,318 --> 00:07:35,116
some worthless, others valuable.
99
00:07:35,154 --> 00:07:39,750
Some of the valuable ones
I did hand over, but others...
100
00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:41,384
You didn't?
101
00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:46,626
Well, they were far too valuable
for me to bid for, anyway.
102
00:07:46,666 --> 00:07:52,832
And, in some cases, far too
beautiful to relinquish.
103
00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:58,436
This house belongs to my son.
104
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:03,438
He's on holiday with his wife
and children in Normandy.
105
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:07,476
His wife insists that I'm
gone before they return.
106
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:12,583
I'm going to San Francisco to live
with my other son in two weeks' time.
107
00:08:12,625 --> 00:08:16,652
So if there's anything
you wish to purchase...
108
00:08:16,696 --> 00:08:18,664
The price is in dollars.
109
00:08:18,698 --> 00:08:23,761
I add the caveat that it technically
belongs to the Foreign Office.
110
00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:29,469
We get the point, Harold.
Would you like to show us the stuff?
111
00:08:34,814 --> 00:08:38,113
17th-century incense burner,
112
00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:43,486
given to me by the wazir of Shibam in the Yemen.
Smell the frankincense.
113
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:47,015
Look into the mirrors and
they say you can see Arabia.
114
00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:51,729
This takes me back to Saudi Arabia,
115
00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:56,064
sitting by the Hejaz railway
with a Bedouin family,
116
00:08:56,102 --> 00:09:01,631
drinking camel milk from this bowl -
used by Lawrence. Quite a gift, eh?
117
00:09:01,674 --> 00:09:04,700
You have some provenance, do you?
118
00:09:04,744 --> 00:09:07,736
- Hmm?
- Anything written down.
119
00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:10,772
No, they're nomads. Can't write.
120
00:09:12,351 --> 00:09:16,549
Thank you for showing us
your collection, Harold.
121
00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:19,752
We won't take up any
more of your time.
122
00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:22,989
HAROLD: Let me see... What's this?
123
00:09:24,764 --> 00:09:27,255
Ah, yes. Iznik. Turkey.
124
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:30,360
I'm told it's from around 1550.
Very rare.
125
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:34,772
Given to me by the brother of King
Hussein in Amman in the '60s.
126
00:09:34,807 --> 00:09:39,767
And I do have a letter -
not the original, but a photocopy.
127
00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:44,374
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Sorry. Excuse me, please.
128
00:09:45,818 --> 00:09:50,755
Tink, one of these sold last year
in Christie's for a fortune!
129
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:54,191
HAROLD: Oui, monsieur.
Tres bien. D'accord.
130
00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:59,289
Glad you stayed now?
Everything has its own speed, Lovejoy!
131
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:01,596
I wonder what else the
old goat's got, eh?
132
00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:03,534
HAROLD: Sorry about that.
133
00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:05,298
(GRUNTS) The bag.
134
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:08,671
Ah, thank you.
Do sit down, please.
135
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:12,109
Now, let me see.
What's this?
136
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,240
Oh, yes.
137
00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:24,816
Ottoman tombac helmet.
138
00:10:24,857 --> 00:10:28,486
Absolutely right. Tinker?
139
00:10:28,527 --> 00:10:34,227
- An Ottoman horse's chanfron.
- Right again. Want to try a date?
140
00:10:34,266 --> 00:10:37,633
- 17th century.
- 16th, actually.
141
00:10:37,670 --> 00:10:40,537
Always had a thing for
the old Ottomans.
142
00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:45,636
Those pieces were given to me by
a relative of Mustafa Kemal Ataturk
143
00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:48,545
for a small consular favour
when I was in Ankara, '59.
144
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:52,108
See what I mean about them being
too beautiful to hand over?
145
00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:53,709
Certainly can.
146
00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:57,849
Now, this is a photocopy
147
00:10:57,890 --> 00:11:00,654
of the letter that came with them.
148
00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:05,790
I've got more stuff in storage in
Dubai if you're interested, but...
149
00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:09,824
Well, the helmet, chanfron, the jug...
150
00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:14,029
$100,000?
151
00:11:14,073 --> 00:11:16,598
Cash.
152
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:20,437
$100,000?
153
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:26,716
I'd like to take photographs
and show them to an expert.
154
00:11:26,752 --> 00:11:31,689
Sorry, no can do. Let me point out
that I've had one offer already.
155
00:11:31,724 --> 00:11:34,750
That phone call was from Paris.
156
00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:37,490
They can be here in... 48 hours.
157
00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:44,068
Pity to see it go, actually.
158
00:11:47,506 --> 00:11:49,872
We need time to think.
159
00:11:52,611 --> 00:11:54,875
Tick, tock...
160
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:58,816
Tick, tock...
161
00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:03,345
LOVEJOY: Yep.
162
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:06,654
Fine, Harold.
We'll pick you up tomorrow.
163
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:13,597
- We can take the stuff to Walid's.
- On what condition?
164
00:12:13,632 --> 00:12:16,192
You stay in the car with
Harold while I go in.
165
00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:19,693
As a hostage?!
166
00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:32,113
More snacks between meals!
167
00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:35,348
Lunch, actually.
Not for swallowing, just for chewing.
168
00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:36,376
Hmm.
169
00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:39,823
- Who are the suits?
- My accountant and VAT inspector.
170
00:12:39,859 --> 00:12:42,293
- Heavy duty.
- Closing in, eh?
171
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:45,058
Negotiating a refund, actually.
172
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:49,431
Don't forget Lovejoy's pie
- they go off quickly.
173
00:12:54,874 --> 00:12:58,674
Charlie Gimbert won't like this, Lovejoy.
Not one bit!
174
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:02,670
He won't find out...
unless you tell him.
175
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:08,415
Besides, this'll make a better
impression on Harold, won't it?
176
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:13,653
HAROLD: I used to have my shirts
made a few yards down on the right.
177
00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:18,686
Egyptian cotton, Lovejoy.
The finest cotton in the world.
178
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:21,791
Tell me the plan.
179
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:24,598
LOVEJOY: I go upstairs to see Walid...
180
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:25,831
HAROLD: Who's Walid?
181
00:13:26,038 --> 00:13:30,498
- Remind me, please.
- He's an ex-employee of the Louvre.
182
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:34,570
- You mean he was sacked?
- Due to illness and fatigue.
183
00:13:34,613 --> 00:13:37,207
They got sick and tired of him.
184
00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:43,051
He's an expert in Islamic arts and I
want to make sure this is kosher.
185
00:13:48,861 --> 00:13:54,060
Well, as you say, it's an Ottoman
copper gilt tombac helmet.
186
00:13:54,099 --> 00:13:56,499
16th century.
187
00:13:56,535 --> 00:14:00,232
I remember something like this in
the Topkapi museum in Istanbul.
188
00:14:00,272 --> 00:14:02,604
Look here...
189
00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:06,406
You see that mark?
190
00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:11,246
It's the emblem of the Ottoman
Court Arsenal at Hagia Irene.
191
00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:15,777
A very fine piece.
Where did you say you got it from?
192
00:14:15,821 --> 00:14:18,312
I didn't.
193
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:19,790
Yet.
194
00:14:19,825 --> 00:14:21,486
WALID: Hmm.
195
00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:27,492
Here you are, you see. Look.
196
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:33,802
The same mark. The Arsenal.
I wonder if they had a football team!
197
00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:36,467
Bet it was very boring if they did.
198
00:14:36,508 --> 00:14:38,533
Hmm.
199
00:14:38,577 --> 00:14:41,341
A very good piece.
200
00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:44,349
Not unique, but quite fine.
201
00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:51,815
We had a jug like this in the Louvre.
202
00:14:51,857 --> 00:14:54,485
Quite rare.
203
00:14:54,526 --> 00:14:56,824
Hardly a scratch on it.
204
00:14:56,862 --> 00:15:01,424
- Got any provenance?
- Could have.
205
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:04,027
Are these things stolen?
206
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:06,537
No.
207
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:09,541
You're here to sell?
208
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:12,373
You want to buy?
209
00:15:14,446 --> 00:15:17,006
Let me contact my brother.
210
00:15:17,049 --> 00:15:21,042
- Tell me something, Harold.
- Yes, Tinker?
211
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:26,114
If Lovejoy were now in some secret
location with all of your stuff
212
00:15:26,158 --> 00:15:31,323
and I were to open the door and
race down the street to join him
213
00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:34,799
and you being not exactly
a four-minute miler yourself,
214
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:37,802
what would you do?
215
00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:42,398
You wouldn't know anything
had happened to you...
216
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:45,410
until you had a drink of water.
217
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:48,811
Yes... OK, Yussuf...
218
00:15:48,847 --> 00:15:51,441
Mm-hm...
219
00:15:51,483 --> 00:15:54,850
(SPEAKS IN ARABIC)
220
00:15:56,588 --> 00:16:01,582
We'd go to 40,000 for
the jug and 50 each
221
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:04,494
for the helmet and the chanfron.
222
00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:11,301
That's £140,000 sterling,
223
00:16:11,337 --> 00:16:13,396
not Lebanese pounds, right?
224
00:16:13,439 --> 00:16:15,031
Sterling.
225
00:16:15,074 --> 00:16:20,671
Bank's around the corner.
I can have the cash here in ten minutes.
226
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:24,274
Don't get an offer like this
every day, do you, Lovejoy?
227
00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:28,377
You can have first refusal.
228
00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:34,154
TINKER: He could've
walked out with £140,000!
229
00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:38,630
- CHARLOTTE: So what stopped him?
- I'll tell you what stopped me.
230
00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:41,132
I've been waiting for a
deal like this for years.
231
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:44,397
The opportunity comes once in
a lifetime and when it does,
232
00:16:44,436 --> 00:16:47,803
you have to go for it all
the way, right, Tink?
233
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,809
This is confirmed in your horoscope?
234
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,811
Walid is a sharp operator.
235
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:55,507
He'd obviously double
the amount on his end.
236
00:16:55,547 --> 00:16:58,277
Here it is.
I knew I'd seen it somewhere.
237
00:16:58,317 --> 00:17:02,447
- "Estimated at £100,000 - £150,000."
- "Estimated."
238
00:17:02,488 --> 00:17:04,683
He was going to offer
me one third of that.
239
00:17:04,723 --> 00:17:06,782
- See how sharp he is?
- Razor sharp.
240
00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:12,355
All we have to do is put together
241
00:17:12,398 --> 00:17:16,425
$100,000 for dear old Mr Plumb.
242
00:17:16,468 --> 00:17:19,767
Excuse me.
What do you mean, "we"?
243
00:17:19,805 --> 00:17:25,300
Charlotte, today I could've creamed
off £80,000 of pure profit!
244
00:17:25,344 --> 00:17:26,777
But why stop at 80?
245
00:17:26,812 --> 00:17:32,216
If you had £80,000, your bank'd
give you your own cash machine!
246
00:17:32,251 --> 00:17:36,051
Tink, that money's
already on the table!
247
00:17:36,088 --> 00:17:38,716
Say we each put in
about £20,000, right?
248
00:17:38,757 --> 00:17:41,385
20,000?
Just like that?!
249
00:17:41,427 --> 00:17:46,797
- You just had a VAT rebate!
- Lovejoy, that was for £65!
250
00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:49,528
I bought lunch.
We ate it.
251
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:53,334
Lovejoy, go to Walid, take the money.
252
00:17:53,372 --> 00:17:57,399
You deserve to be certified if you don't!
253
00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:59,570
There's nothing involved. No scheming.
254
00:17:59,611 --> 00:18:04,344
You just need to make a couple of calls.
Use this.
255
00:18:04,383 --> 00:18:07,750
Pardon me for saying this, but
you're both missing the point.
256
00:18:07,786 --> 00:18:12,450
Those three pieces could fetch over
a quarter of a million quid, right?
257
00:18:12,491 --> 00:18:15,756
You said yourself the gear is bent.
It's bound to go bottom up.
258
00:18:15,794 --> 00:18:18,558
But I only said that to scare him.
259
00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:22,328
He himself said it was
almost impossible to prove.
260
00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:26,428
It's the "almost" I don't like.
Take the cash, Lovejoy.
261
00:18:26,472 --> 00:18:32,172
Charlotte, this deal is good.
I mean, I can smell it.
262
00:18:32,211 --> 00:18:34,702
You can have your car gold-plated.
Trust me.
263
00:18:34,746 --> 00:18:37,647
You are not making any sense!
264
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:40,151
You've never even seen
80,000 in one lump
265
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:42,278
and now you're walking away from it!
266
00:18:42,321 --> 00:18:44,118
You're barking mad!
267
00:18:44,156 --> 00:18:46,784
- Wired to the moon!
- No, I'm not.
268
00:18:46,825 --> 00:18:51,785
But if neither of you will go
along with me, I'll go it alone.
269
00:18:51,830 --> 00:18:54,355
I thought you were broke!
270
00:18:54,399 --> 00:18:58,392
- I'll borrow it.
- BOTH: Borrow it?!
271
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:44,776
VIKl: We flew from Gatwick
to Rhodes, back to Gatwick.
272
00:19:44,816 --> 00:19:50,311
Turned around, then on to Malaga,
stopped over in Torremolinos,
273
00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:53,722
then off to Faro and back to Gatwick.
274
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:56,785
No time to drink your duty-free!
275
00:19:56,828 --> 00:20:01,390
- LOVEJOY: Seen your mum lately?
- A fortnight ago.
276
00:20:01,433 --> 00:20:05,802
She comes to stay for the
odd weekends when I'm here.
277
00:20:05,837 --> 00:20:11,241
Has she got another?
Well, you know, a new friend,
278
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:14,245
or is she...
still with what's-his-name?
279
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:15,803
- Dad!
- What?
280
00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:18,816
Don't be embarrassed.
281
00:20:18,850 --> 00:20:22,684
She still sees Howard occasionally,
but they're not living together.
282
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:25,383
Howard the creep.
Still cooking, is he?
283
00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:27,619
Still using his smoke alarm as a timer.
284
00:20:27,659 --> 00:20:31,288
He's an airline caterer, actually,
and he helped me to get this job.
285
00:20:31,330 --> 00:20:34,094
Just don't tell her you've seen me.
286
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:38,398
She always asks me if I've seen you
287
00:20:38,437 --> 00:20:40,837
and I nearly always say no.
288
00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:44,399
Well, next week things will be different.
289
00:20:44,443 --> 00:20:48,709
You and I will fly off to palm
trees and white, sandy beaches
290
00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:51,682
and you will not be serving
the in-flight meals.
291
00:20:51,717 --> 00:20:56,279
If only I had a pound for
every time I heard that.
292
00:21:02,694 --> 00:21:06,027
These are the deeds to the
flat and the relevant papers.
293
00:21:06,064 --> 00:21:08,532
You bought it, so do
what you want with it.
294
00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:12,526
Viki, I'm not selling it.
It's your home.
295
00:21:12,571 --> 00:21:17,474
Just putting it up as security until next week.
There's no risk.
296
00:21:19,077 --> 00:21:21,807
Viki, if you don't trust me...
297
00:21:21,847 --> 00:21:27,183
Of course, I trust you!
You're my dad, aren't you?
298
00:21:47,072 --> 00:21:49,836
LOVEJOY: Viki, if you don't trust me...
299
00:21:49,875 --> 00:21:53,675
VIKl: Of course, I trust you!
You're my dad, aren't you?
300
00:21:58,383 --> 00:22:01,784
Just going, Your Honour.
Just going.
301
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:04,812
No choice, have I?
302
00:22:07,726 --> 00:22:10,820
LOVEJOY: $24,000, $25,000...
303
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:16,426
- Where d'you say it was?
- Paddington, John.
304
00:22:16,468 --> 00:22:19,801
Paddington?
Screwed a few drums in Paddington!
305
00:22:19,838 --> 00:22:24,275
Might even have done this
one, you never know!
306
00:22:24,309 --> 00:22:28,803
Never thought I'd be doing
business with you, Lovejoy.
307
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:32,078
Sign both, keep one.
308
00:22:34,252 --> 00:22:35,685
It's 10% over one month
309
00:22:35,721 --> 00:22:39,817
and if you don't come up with the
readies, you're out on the street.
310
00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:42,622
You got that straight?
Right?
311
00:22:42,661 --> 00:22:45,824
Yes, John, I have. 99,000...
312
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:48,662
100,000...
313
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:51,794
I shall be back here by the 31 st.
314
00:22:51,837 --> 00:22:54,431
No problem, John.
315
00:22:54,473 --> 00:22:59,467
Who's it for, hmm? Come on,
if it's tasty, I might go in with you.
316
00:22:59,511 --> 00:23:02,207
It's not your kind of thing, John.
317
00:23:02,247 --> 00:23:07,617
It's antiques, a couple of Turkish
bits of armour and a Turkish jug.
318
00:23:07,652 --> 00:23:12,749
Leave it out! A hundred grand?
Sounds like a Turkish mug to me!
319
00:23:12,791 --> 00:23:14,782
Worth three times that, actually.
320
00:23:14,826 --> 00:23:16,817
- Hooky gear?
- No.
321
00:23:17,028 --> 00:23:20,623
Well, sort of...
Might be, certainly not.
322
00:23:20,665 --> 00:23:22,155
That sort of stuff.
323
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:27,661
No risk. Just gotta keep
shtoom about it, you know.
324
00:23:30,642 --> 00:23:34,203
Oh, yes...
Very nice, John!
325
00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:36,737
Did you lay that?
326
00:23:36,782 --> 00:23:39,717
Out of your league, Lovejoy.
327
00:23:44,289 --> 00:23:46,689
John?
328
00:23:46,725 --> 00:23:50,491
- Got it from a Norwegian.
- It's been recovered.
329
00:23:50,529 --> 00:23:53,828
One has. Don't like it.
Gives me the screamers.
330
00:23:53,865 --> 00:23:56,459
See you on the 31 st.
331
00:23:56,501 --> 00:24:00,995
- Make that 11 o'clock, will you?
- No problem.
332
00:24:01,039 --> 00:24:05,100
I'm good at judging characters
and you didn't look to me
333
00:24:05,143 --> 00:24:09,079
like a person who would
pass on a deal like this.
334
00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:12,709
I've decided to throw in
the rest of the stuff.
335
00:24:12,751 --> 00:24:16,778
I'm sure Tinker will think
of a use for the camel crap.
336
00:24:16,822 --> 00:24:19,814
LOVEJOY: And the copies of the letters?
337
00:24:20,025 --> 00:24:23,324
They're both here.
338
00:24:23,361 --> 00:24:25,454
I've translated them for you
339
00:24:25,497 --> 00:24:27,795
and marked where you have
to change the names.
340
00:24:32,737 --> 00:24:35,205
Well, that's it, then, Harold.
341
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,174
Let me just say thank you
342
00:24:37,209 --> 00:24:40,667
and wish you a pleasant
time in the States.
343
00:24:40,712 --> 00:24:44,341
I couldn't adapt to the city, Lovejoy.
344
00:24:44,382 --> 00:24:46,816
I'll be back to the desert before long.
345
00:24:46,852 --> 00:24:48,581
One last thing...
346
00:24:48,620 --> 00:24:52,750
- Hmm?
- Don't contact me again.
347
00:24:54,392 --> 00:24:57,418
What on earth is that?
348
00:24:57,462 --> 00:24:59,828
Dried fruits of the desert.
Try one.
349
00:24:59,865 --> 00:25:03,596
- I don't think so.
- Low in cholesterol, Charlotte.
350
00:25:03,635 --> 00:25:08,663
- Arabic health food. Could catch on.
- Just had my yoghurt, thanks.
351
00:25:08,707 --> 00:25:11,540
See you soon, Popov.
352
00:25:11,576 --> 00:25:14,773
So you've done it.
He's raised the money.
353
00:25:14,813 --> 00:25:17,043
Yes, these are all mine...
354
00:25:17,082 --> 00:25:20,051
until I sell them for
150,000 smackers, that is!
355
00:25:20,085 --> 00:25:22,781
Sound the trumpets!
Hail the conquering hero!
356
00:25:22,821 --> 00:25:26,416
Thank you, Tink, but no share for you!
357
00:25:26,458 --> 00:25:29,791
- How does this look?
- Better on the horse.
358
00:25:29,828 --> 00:25:32,524
I cannot believe this is worth 50,000!
359
00:25:32,564 --> 00:25:33,792
Well, it is.
360
00:25:33,832 --> 00:25:39,134
And once Popov does my letters of
provenance, they'll go to auction.
361
00:25:39,170 --> 00:25:40,660
Well, not in mine.
362
00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:43,606
- Popov is a forger!
- Popov's an artist!
363
00:25:43,642 --> 00:25:47,544
He should be in the National Gallery!
364
00:25:51,850 --> 00:25:55,809
A small dab with the
old India tea-bag...
365
00:25:55,854 --> 00:26:00,348
so as not to make it look too perfect.
366
00:26:00,392 --> 00:26:03,088
And there you have it.
367
00:26:03,128 --> 00:26:06,154
Yeah, just needs a little distressing.
368
00:26:06,197 --> 00:26:10,190
So you press it with an
old hot flatiron, huh?
369
00:26:10,235 --> 00:26:13,068
You're looking now at £300.
370
00:26:13,104 --> 00:26:15,732
Not bad.
20 seconds' work!
371
00:26:15,774 --> 00:26:18,208
A decent frame on it and
you're looking at £400.
372
00:26:18,243 --> 00:26:21,610
Don't you get carried away
by all this technology!
373
00:26:21,646 --> 00:26:24,240
You're an artist, Popov,
of the old school!
374
00:26:24,282 --> 00:26:27,547
You know me.
I will never prostitute my art!
375
00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:31,283
- Except for money.
- Of course!
376
00:26:31,323 --> 00:26:34,690
OK, I want you to create
originals of these,
377
00:26:34,726 --> 00:26:38,787
using the name Yussuf Al Juma
instead of Harold Plumb.
378
00:26:38,830 --> 00:26:42,789
And, of course, you
want these yesterday?
379
00:26:42,834 --> 00:26:44,529
- Of course.
- Hmm.
380
00:26:44,569 --> 00:26:46,469
- £100 each.
- COD?
381
00:26:46,504 --> 00:26:48,699
The old school, eh?
(FAKES SPITTING)
382
00:27:19,804 --> 00:27:23,433
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Come!
383
00:27:25,276 --> 00:27:27,471
- Lovejoy?
- Not here.
384
00:27:27,512 --> 00:27:32,472
- Who are you?
- Major Dill, an associate chappie.
385
00:27:32,517 --> 00:27:36,544
Well, I'm Sergeant Harrison.
This is Detective Constable Cox.
386
00:27:36,588 --> 00:27:38,818
- How do you do?
- From the Art and Antiques Squad.
387
00:27:39,024 --> 00:27:42,084
- CID.
- How d'you spell that?
388
00:27:42,127 --> 00:27:46,086
- We understand that Lovejoy...
- Known to us from previous cases.
389
00:27:46,131 --> 00:27:52,263
Lovejoy is dealing in Turkish
antiques owned by someone else.
390
00:27:52,303 --> 00:27:55,795
- Is that so?
- He's about to be monitored.
391
00:27:55,840 --> 00:28:01,335
His entire life and this place
will be taken apart, atom by atom.
392
00:28:01,379 --> 00:28:04,610
We'll find what we're after somehow,
393
00:28:04,649 --> 00:28:08,745
or you can just hand it
over and that will be it.
394
00:28:08,787 --> 00:28:13,247
- How about that for a proposition?
- You're very tall, aren't you?
395
00:28:14,626 --> 00:28:19,620
I'm sorry.
I just can't answer for Lovejoy.
396
00:28:19,664 --> 00:28:21,757
What's this?
397
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:23,768
Not cannabis, is it?
398
00:28:23,802 --> 00:28:28,705
It's Arabian fruits of the
desert, a form of dried fig.
399
00:28:28,740 --> 00:28:32,005
Dried fig, eh?
I'm starving!
400
00:28:34,212 --> 00:28:38,615
That's disgusting!
Tastes like camel shit!
401
00:28:40,518 --> 00:28:42,782
I've been grassed up, Tink.
402
00:28:42,821 --> 00:28:45,517
- The swine has grassed me up.
- Who?
403
00:28:45,557 --> 00:28:47,787
The snake who lent me the money.
404
00:28:47,826 --> 00:28:50,693
- Who was it?
- Can't tell you.
405
00:28:52,063 --> 00:28:55,396
I'll just flog the stuff to
Walid and take the 80 grand.
406
00:28:55,433 --> 00:28:59,802
My heart bleeds for you!
How will you manage?
407
00:28:59,838 --> 00:29:02,534
Hmm...
408
00:29:26,397 --> 00:29:29,594
- You're wasting your time.
- What?
409
00:29:29,634 --> 00:29:32,034
- Gone, ain't they?
- To lunch?
410
00:29:32,070 --> 00:29:35,267
- Beirut.
- Beirut?!
411
00:29:35,306 --> 00:29:37,797
They always go this time of
year for five or six months.
412
00:29:38,009 --> 00:29:40,307
Did they leave an address?
Phone number?
413
00:29:40,345 --> 00:29:41,778
No, never.
414
00:29:41,813 --> 00:29:48,048
When their stuff piles up I
stick it in the office for 'em.
415
00:29:48,086 --> 00:29:49,576
Excuse me.
416
00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:52,784
HARRISON: I'm Detective
Sergeant Harrison
417
00:29:52,824 --> 00:29:55,088
from the Art and Antiques Squad.
418
00:29:55,126 --> 00:29:57,822
I'm looking for Mr Walid.
419
00:30:00,165 --> 00:30:01,689
CHARLOTTE: Watch this, Lovejoy.
420
00:30:01,733 --> 00:30:05,794
50 bounces in the morning,
50 in the evening. Got it?
421
00:30:05,837 --> 00:30:08,829
I could bounce away from the police.
422
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:12,806
That's the trouble, Lovejoy,
they're already onto you.
423
00:30:12,844 --> 00:30:16,143
You can't sell this stuff publicly.
I can't even auction it off.
424
00:30:16,181 --> 00:30:19,275
Ask Harold for your money back.
425
00:30:19,317 --> 00:30:24,755
By the way, he's in the Diplomatic
Service list as Consul for Ankara.
426
00:30:24,789 --> 00:30:29,089
Charlotte, will you stop that?!
You're making me nervous!
427
00:30:29,127 --> 00:30:33,689
- It makes me feel seasick!
- There is one possible way out.
428
00:30:33,731 --> 00:30:35,790
Take the revolver from the safe?
429
00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:39,099
Pre-empt any visit by the
Art and Antiques Squad
430
00:30:39,137 --> 00:30:42,231
by going to the Foreign Office.
431
00:30:42,273 --> 00:30:44,764
Are you mad?!
They'd throw me in the tower.
432
00:30:44,809 --> 00:30:48,745
No, you said yourself
they'd auction the stuff.
433
00:30:48,780 --> 00:30:50,304
Level with them.
434
00:30:50,348 --> 00:30:55,843
Tell them you put up $100,000 and
you'll turn the pieces over to them
435
00:30:55,887 --> 00:30:59,846
on condition that they give you
5% on top of your investment
436
00:30:59,891 --> 00:31:03,827
or at least give you your money back.
That way, everybody wins.
437
00:31:04,028 --> 00:31:08,055
- Worth a shot.
- There's a time limit on my loan.
438
00:31:08,099 --> 00:31:10,727
Who is this loan from?
439
00:31:10,768 --> 00:31:14,795
Doesn't matter.
The game's up at 11 am on the 31 st.
440
00:31:14,839 --> 00:31:18,275
Government departments take forever.
441
00:31:18,309 --> 00:31:22,302
I bet Charlotte was at school
with somebody married to somebody
442
00:31:22,347 --> 00:31:24,713
who is high up in the Foreign Office.
443
00:31:24,749 --> 00:31:28,549
- Right?
- Only married to?
444
00:31:28,586 --> 00:31:33,114
CHARLOTTE: I think I can do a
bit better than that, Tinker.
445
00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:39,155
You must be Charlotte.
446
00:31:39,197 --> 00:31:43,691
- And you must be Lovejoy.
- Piers Dow, Rachel's assistant.
447
00:31:43,735 --> 00:31:46,829
- Shall I carry those?
- No, I can manage!
448
00:31:46,871 --> 00:31:49,362
Well, this is Durbar Court.
449
00:31:49,407 --> 00:31:54,845
White and grey Carrera marble.
We never allow red wine in here!
450
00:31:54,879 --> 00:31:58,144
Rachel says you've come
down from Suffolk.
451
00:31:58,182 --> 00:31:59,843
Yes, do you know it?
452
00:31:59,884 --> 00:32:04,753
Not really, but I was up there for
an all-night rave about a month ago.
453
00:32:10,595 --> 00:32:13,826
Rachel said we should hold the
meeting where you feel most at home.
454
00:32:15,833 --> 00:32:19,826
This is all part of the Locarno suite.
455
00:32:26,411 --> 00:32:31,405
Through there is where the Locarno
Treaty was signed in 1925.
456
00:32:31,449 --> 00:32:34,418
If you'd like to put your
things on the table,
457
00:32:34,452 --> 00:32:36,579
I'll tell Rachel you're here.
458
00:32:36,621 --> 00:32:38,418
You would you like some
coffee, I take it?
459
00:32:38,456 --> 00:32:41,857
- How much is it?
- Yes, please.
460
00:32:46,297 --> 00:32:51,826
Yes! The old Locarno ballroom!
And I thought it was in Streatham!
461
00:32:51,869 --> 00:32:56,829
Lovejoy!
Will you please close these doors?
462
00:32:56,874 --> 00:33:01,004
Charlotte, I'm simply seeing
how the tax I pay is spent.
463
00:33:01,045 --> 00:33:04,037
When did you last pay any tax?!
464
00:33:04,082 --> 00:33:06,778
Charlotte, look at this!
465
00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:11,187
Look at the shine on this!
The depth of it!
466
00:33:11,222 --> 00:33:14,385
I'd love to know how this is done!
467
00:33:14,425 --> 00:33:17,360
There's your answer.
468
00:33:20,631 --> 00:33:23,657
Ah, coffee.
469
00:33:23,701 --> 00:33:26,192
Black, please...
470
00:33:26,237 --> 00:33:28,228
Mavis.
471
00:33:29,807 --> 00:33:31,798
- (WHISPERS) Lovejoy!
- What?
472
00:33:31,843 --> 00:33:33,640
Charlotte!
473
00:33:33,678 --> 00:33:36,806
- Wonderful to see you.
- You, too!
474
00:33:36,848 --> 00:33:39,817
- Rachel, this is Lovejoy.
- Rachel.
475
00:33:39,851 --> 00:33:41,443
Hello, Lovejoy.
476
00:33:41,486 --> 00:33:46,617
Piers is taking some pictures to
show somebody upstairs. All right?
477
00:33:46,657 --> 00:33:49,649
Why don't we all sit down?
478
00:33:53,064 --> 00:33:56,830
I understand you bought them
from a retired British diplomat.
479
00:33:56,868 --> 00:34:00,770
Yes, a Mr Harold Plumb.
Worked all over the Middle East.
480
00:34:00,805 --> 00:34:02,329
Really?
481
00:34:02,373 --> 00:34:05,308
Obviously he hoarded a lot of stuff
482
00:34:05,343 --> 00:34:09,404
and just never got around
to returning it to you.
483
00:34:09,447 --> 00:34:14,612
And you want us to auction them for
you and give you your money back.
484
00:34:14,652 --> 00:34:18,645
Plus 5% of the total auction price.
485
00:34:18,689 --> 00:34:22,785
We realise that technically
this stuff belongs to you,
486
00:34:22,827 --> 00:34:27,821
but this benefits everyone
with the least hassle.
487
00:34:33,337 --> 00:34:38,070
Well, I've got some good news and
some not so frightfully good news.
488
00:34:38,109 --> 00:34:39,838
Which would you like first?
489
00:34:40,044 --> 00:34:42,535
Hit me with the good.
490
00:34:42,580 --> 00:34:46,676
These items do not and have never
belonged to the Foreign Office.
491
00:34:46,717 --> 00:34:50,813
We have no claim over them whatsoever.
492
00:34:50,855 --> 00:34:53,756
Right.
Hit me with the bad.
493
00:34:53,791 --> 00:34:57,124
We do know someone who
does have a claim to them.
494
00:34:57,161 --> 00:34:59,493
Not Harold Plumb?
495
00:34:59,530 --> 00:35:03,022
No, Sheikh Faisal bin Fahad Al Otaibi.
496
00:35:03,067 --> 00:35:05,194
Who?!
497
00:35:05,236 --> 00:35:08,137
Sheikh Al Otaibi.
He's a Kuwaiti businessman.
498
00:35:08,172 --> 00:35:10,732
He owned some very
valuable Islamic antiques
499
00:35:10,775 --> 00:35:14,302
which were looted by the
Iraqis when they invaded.
500
00:35:14,345 --> 00:35:18,338
So what? They made
hundreds of these things!
501
00:35:18,382 --> 00:35:21,613
But these items are
particularly well-documented.
502
00:35:21,652 --> 00:35:25,782
We hadn't realised they'd
reached this country.
503
00:35:25,823 --> 00:35:28,451
What about your man, Plumb?
504
00:35:28,493 --> 00:35:34,193
Will you have him arrested for
possession of stolen property?
505
00:35:34,232 --> 00:35:36,530
Harold Plumb is dead.
506
00:35:36,567 --> 00:35:40,799
He died several years ago,
shortly after retiring.
507
00:35:40,838 --> 00:35:42,567
That was him.
508
00:35:42,607 --> 00:35:46,373
CHARLOTTE: So who's this person
Lovejoy's been dealing with?
509
00:35:48,112 --> 00:35:52,276
Ah!
That's my Harold Plumb!
510
00:35:52,316 --> 00:35:55,808
No, he's Harold Yussuf
Qassim, an Egyptian.
511
00:35:55,853 --> 00:35:59,812
Been selling Al Otaibi's
collection piece by piece.
512
00:35:59,857 --> 00:36:02,587
His mother was an English nurse
513
00:36:02,627 --> 00:36:06,563
who married an Egyptian
calash driver, cab driver.
514
00:36:06,597 --> 00:36:08,064
Never been a diplomat?
515
00:36:08,099 --> 00:36:10,533
No, he worked the
embassies as a farash.
516
00:36:10,568 --> 00:36:13,230
A what?
517
00:36:13,271 --> 00:36:16,035
A farash, he makes
tea, runs errands...
518
00:36:16,073 --> 00:36:18,268
A tea-boy.
519
00:36:18,309 --> 00:36:23,178
Lovejoy, you've just given
$100,000 to a tea-boy!
520
00:36:23,214 --> 00:36:26,240
I believe he was fired
from our embassy in Amman
521
00:36:26,284 --> 00:36:29,651
for having dubious allegiances
just before the Gulf War.
522
00:36:29,687 --> 00:36:31,746
Well...
523
00:36:31,789 --> 00:36:36,021
I'm sure old Sheik Al
Mahatma Hal or whatever,
524
00:36:36,060 --> 00:36:38,790
won't mind stumping up $100,000
525
00:36:38,829 --> 00:36:41,229
to get his property back, hmm?
526
00:36:41,265 --> 00:36:44,200
We could return it for you.
527
00:36:44,235 --> 00:36:47,261
We'd explain the
circumstances, of course.
528
00:36:47,305 --> 00:36:52,140
Of course, you would!
But I'll hand it over personally.
529
00:36:52,176 --> 00:36:55,304
You do realise its legal status?
530
00:36:55,346 --> 00:36:58,372
They allegedly belong to someone else.
531
00:36:58,416 --> 00:37:00,350
It's only fair to warn you
532
00:37:00,384 --> 00:37:05,447
there are two detectives from
Scotland Yard waiting downstairs.
533
00:37:05,489 --> 00:37:11,121
It'd be better all round if you
left these things with us, Lovejoy.
534
00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:30,770
LOVEJOY: Good afternoon.
535
00:37:30,815 --> 00:37:35,775
I'm looking for your father,
Harold Plumb, or Yussuf Qassim.
536
00:37:35,820 --> 00:37:39,347
My father's called Bernard.
Lives in Leeds.
537
00:37:39,390 --> 00:37:41,620
- You want the housesitter.
- What?!
538
00:37:41,659 --> 00:37:44,651
He looked after the place
while we were away.
539
00:37:44,695 --> 00:37:46,424
- Where is he now?
- God knows.
540
00:37:46,464 --> 00:37:50,400
We've been back a week.
We got him from the agency up in town.
541
00:37:50,434 --> 00:37:52,834
Why don't you ask them?
542
00:37:55,373 --> 00:37:57,364
AAAAAAAAH!
543
00:38:02,780 --> 00:38:07,615
Mr Plumb... Mr Plumb...
Just one moment, Mr Plumb.
544
00:38:07,652 --> 00:38:12,783
- We haven't counted the money yet.
- Oh, it's all there!
545
00:38:15,593 --> 00:38:17,754
Ha!
546
00:38:17,795 --> 00:38:20,696
CHARLOTTE: You'll have
to tell me, Lovejoy.
547
00:38:20,731 --> 00:38:22,756
Where did you get the money from?
548
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:27,499
- Don't ask, Charlotte.
- Bad as that, is it?
549
00:38:28,506 --> 00:38:31,066
Worse. Much worse.
550
00:38:31,108 --> 00:38:35,067
- Come on, it can't be that bad!
- It is.
551
00:38:35,112 --> 00:38:39,014
I put up Viki's flat as security.
552
00:38:39,050 --> 00:38:45,216
- You put up your daughter's flat?!
- Yes, and she'll probably lose it.
553
00:38:45,256 --> 00:38:48,748
Boy, oh, boy!
That must've taken some doing!
554
00:38:48,793 --> 00:38:52,661
Did your tail rattle as you
slid across the floor?
555
00:38:52,697 --> 00:38:58,226
Charlotte, Walid's offer was like
having the deal engraved on stone!
556
00:38:58,269 --> 00:39:02,729
- Couldn't lose! 80 grand profit!
- Got greedy...
557
00:39:02,773 --> 00:39:05,503
I was going to take her on holiday.
558
00:39:05,543 --> 00:39:09,274
Well, now she'll be
travelling in a removal van!
559
00:39:09,313 --> 00:39:10,712
Don't, Charlotte!
560
00:39:10,748 --> 00:39:12,716
Please! I feel gutted!
561
00:39:12,750 --> 00:39:16,777
CHARLOTTE: When you die
you'll have so few friends
562
00:39:16,987 --> 00:39:19,615
there'll only be one
handle on your coffin!
563
00:39:19,657 --> 00:39:22,649
And that'll be on the inside!
564
00:39:24,795 --> 00:39:26,285
POPOV: Such a pity it fell apart!
565
00:39:26,330 --> 00:39:30,232
But what do you expect with
hyenas like John Hill?!
566
00:39:30,267 --> 00:39:32,758
I tried my best with these things!
567
00:39:32,803 --> 00:39:38,400
This paper is Turkish.
This paper is Jordanian! Pah!
568
00:39:38,442 --> 00:39:41,775
No matter.
Maybe I frame them
569
00:39:41,812 --> 00:39:44,781
and I put them in a car boot sale.
570
00:39:44,815 --> 00:39:47,443
It's beautiful work, Popov.
571
00:39:47,485 --> 00:39:50,477
It's beautiful work. Here.
572
00:39:51,489 --> 00:39:56,791
No, no, no... The old school,
Popov, always pays its debts.
573
00:39:56,827 --> 00:40:02,788
Well, Lovejoy, I do a deal with you.
I also have family trouble.
574
00:40:02,833 --> 00:40:07,827
My granddaughter, Tatiana, was
also screwed by John Hill.
575
00:40:08,038 --> 00:40:12,737
Out of money, I mean.
She's from St Petersburg.
576
00:40:12,777 --> 00:40:16,406
Same family business -
bit of this and that...
577
00:40:16,447 --> 00:40:18,813
She came here on a tourist visa.
578
00:40:18,849 --> 00:40:22,250
She sold John Hill a
small Faberge egg.
579
00:40:22,286 --> 00:40:23,810
I saw it in his safe!
580
00:40:23,854 --> 00:40:26,846
Fall off the back of a troika, did it?
581
00:40:27,057 --> 00:40:29,821
Yes, I don't know, maybe...
582
00:40:29,860 --> 00:40:33,819
Anyway, they agreed to $1,000.
583
00:40:33,864 --> 00:40:36,298
And he never paid one lousy cent!
584
00:40:36,333 --> 00:40:38,733
What d'you expect with
a hyena like that?!
585
00:40:38,769 --> 00:40:41,829
I had to pay her fare home!
586
00:40:41,872 --> 00:40:45,831
If I can suggest a way
of getting the egg back,
587
00:40:45,876 --> 00:40:48,140
you can keep the £200.
588
00:40:48,179 --> 00:40:50,113
What do you say?
589
00:40:50,147 --> 00:40:53,844
If you can suggest a way of
getting my daughter's flat back,
590
00:40:53,884 --> 00:40:58,116
you can keep the £200.
What do you say?
591
00:40:58,155 --> 00:41:01,181
Very simple, Lovejoy.
592
00:41:05,463 --> 00:41:07,829
Ah, the old Geiger counter, eh!
593
00:41:08,032 --> 00:41:12,696
The only thing missing
is a beautiful scientist
594
00:41:12,736 --> 00:41:15,637
with blonde hair and a white coat...
595
00:41:15,673 --> 00:41:18,437
and revenge could be ours.
596
00:41:23,547 --> 00:41:25,037
What?
597
00:41:25,082 --> 00:41:28,540
Oh, no!
Absolutely no way!
598
00:41:28,586 --> 00:41:31,749
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
599
00:41:35,259 --> 00:41:38,228
Mr Hill?
Mr John Hill?
600
00:41:38,262 --> 00:41:40,822
- Who the hell are you?!
- Dr Cavendish.
601
00:41:40,865 --> 00:41:45,097
Radiological Contamination
Test Department.
602
00:41:45,135 --> 00:41:47,626
CHARLOTTE OVER HEADPHONES:
By law, we have to follow up
603
00:41:47,671 --> 00:41:50,162
any incident which has been reported.
604
00:41:50,207 --> 00:41:52,539
JOHN OVER HEADPHONES:
Incident? What incident?
605
00:41:52,576 --> 00:41:54,203
CHARLOTTE: Some time
ago you bought an egg.
606
00:41:54,245 --> 00:41:55,576
A Faberge egg?
607
00:41:55,613 --> 00:41:58,343
Yeah, I bought an egg...
So?
608
00:41:58,382 --> 00:42:01,249
Ever heard of Chernobyl, Mr Hill?
609
00:42:01,285 --> 00:42:02,752
Is it a drink?
610
00:42:02,786 --> 00:42:08,782
It's a place in Russia where there
was a nuclear accident, remember?
611
00:42:08,826 --> 00:42:10,225
What are you getting at?
612
00:42:10,261 --> 00:42:14,664
Your egg is probably...
radioactive.
613
00:42:14,698 --> 00:42:19,067
Radioactive?!
What are you talking about?!
614
00:42:19,103 --> 00:42:24,166
JOHN: It's a scam.
You're making all this up, ain't you?
615
00:42:24,208 --> 00:42:26,472
WOMAN ON RADIO:
Street now cleared.
616
00:42:26,510 --> 00:42:28,740
Area sealed. Area safe.
617
00:42:28,779 --> 00:42:31,577
We're on site...
Ready to proceed.
618
00:42:31,615 --> 00:42:33,583
Who's on the blower?
619
00:42:33,617 --> 00:42:35,244
JOHN: What's going on?!
620
00:42:35,286 --> 00:42:36,810
CHARLOTTE: Normal procedure.
621
00:42:36,854 --> 00:42:39,379
We've cleared the area
and had it sealed off.
622
00:42:39,423 --> 00:42:42,290
Sealed what off?!
623
00:42:42,326 --> 00:42:46,763
CHARLOTTE: Specialist clean-up department.
We have to have them.
624
00:42:46,797 --> 00:42:48,788
JOHN: Oh, my God!
625
00:42:48,832 --> 00:42:51,130
This is serious, innit?
626
00:42:51,168 --> 00:42:53,693
CHARLOTTE: We don't make
these things up, Mr Hill.
627
00:42:53,737 --> 00:42:56,137
JOHN: No, of course not.
628
00:42:56,173 --> 00:42:59,802
Now, may I have a look at the egg?
629
00:42:59,843 --> 00:43:03,677
- JOHN: Go on, then.
- CHARLOTTE: Thank you, Mr Hill.
630
00:43:10,821 --> 00:43:14,450
You're serious, ain't you?
631
00:43:15,526 --> 00:43:19,690
What's that?
What's that clicking?
632
00:43:19,730 --> 00:43:25,066
That's normal.
That's just background radiation. Now...
633
00:43:25,102 --> 00:43:27,798
Let's move a little closer
634
00:43:27,838 --> 00:43:30,807
and see what we've got here.
635
00:43:30,841 --> 00:43:33,275
(CLICKING SPEEDS UP)
636
00:43:33,310 --> 00:43:36,438
(CLICKING BECOMES HIGH-PITCHED BUZZ)
637
00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:38,505
There's a problem.
638
00:43:38,549 --> 00:43:41,780
- This is really active.
- Active?!
639
00:43:41,819 --> 00:43:44,549
What do you mean, "active"?!
640
00:43:44,588 --> 00:43:47,853
CHARLOTTE: A bit on the warm side.
641
00:43:58,535 --> 00:44:01,800
Now, anything that came
into contact with the egg
642
00:44:02,006 --> 00:44:04,531
will have been contaminated.
643
00:44:04,575 --> 00:44:07,772
CHARLOTTE: Code Red.
I need two for a lift.
644
00:44:07,811 --> 00:44:11,645
What about me?
What'll happen to me?
645
00:44:11,682 --> 00:44:14,378
(RADIATION MONITOR STARTS CLICKING)
646
00:44:17,821 --> 00:44:21,154
(HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING)
647
00:44:21,191 --> 00:44:23,682
Bloody hell!
648
00:44:23,727 --> 00:44:27,720
CHARLOTTE: Had any vomiting,
weight loss, hair falling out?
649
00:44:27,765 --> 00:44:30,825
- JOHN: No, nothing.
- Don't go over the top!
650
00:44:31,035 --> 00:44:33,333
Will I snuff it?
Will I die?!
651
00:44:33,370 --> 00:44:37,704
We'll have to get you to a
specialist as soon as we can.
652
00:44:37,741 --> 00:44:40,767
LOVEJOY: John?
653
00:44:40,811 --> 00:44:43,803
- Lovejoy!
- What's going on, eh?
654
00:44:43,847 --> 00:44:47,112
That egg! Popov's egg!
It's killing me!
655
00:44:47,151 --> 00:44:49,415
What are you talking about?!
656
00:44:49,453 --> 00:44:53,287
- I'm a goner, Lovejoy!
- What d'you mean, "a goner"?!
657
00:44:53,323 --> 00:44:57,054
Listen, about the flat, it's the 31 st.
My time's up.
658
00:44:57,094 --> 00:44:59,085
Your time's up!
What about me?!
659
00:44:59,129 --> 00:45:02,587
Vomiting, weight loss...
I'm going, Lovejoy!
660
00:45:02,633 --> 00:45:04,328
Going where?!
661
00:45:04,368 --> 00:45:07,064
What about the flat in Paddington?
662
00:45:07,104 --> 00:45:11,370
Take the deeds! I don't want them!
They're in the safe!
663
00:45:11,408 --> 00:45:15,572
Do you know a good priest?
I mean a really good one!
664
00:45:19,683 --> 00:45:21,207
Popov's a genius.
665
00:45:21,251 --> 00:45:25,187
Look. The harder you press,
the faster the signal sounds.
666
00:45:25,222 --> 00:45:28,749
- (MONITOR BUZZES THEN STOPS DEAD)
- Ah! No sense, no feeling!
667
00:45:28,792 --> 00:45:31,693
What a good day's graft.
Viki gets her flat back.
668
00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:33,720
- John Hill gets what he deserves.
- Oh-oh!
669
00:45:33,764 --> 00:45:37,564
Lovejoy!
Lovejoy, hang on!
670
00:45:37,601 --> 00:45:41,196
I found a priest, he's on his way.
671
00:45:41,238 --> 00:45:43,365
But I've got a confession
to make to you.
672
00:45:43,407 --> 00:45:44,806
To me?
673
00:45:44,842 --> 00:45:48,107
Dr Cavendish said you
behaved like a real man.
674
00:45:48,145 --> 00:45:52,809
CHARLOTTE: Excuse me, gentlemen.
I must get rid of this egg.
675
00:45:52,850 --> 00:45:55,580
And Mr Hill ought to get scrubbing.
676
00:45:55,619 --> 00:46:00,522
The 100,000 dollars I
gave you, they was, er...
677
00:46:00,557 --> 00:46:01,785
counterfeit, wasn't they?
678
00:46:01,992 --> 00:46:04,153
What?!
679
00:46:04,194 --> 00:46:07,789
You gave me $100,000
in counterfeit money?!
680
00:46:07,998 --> 00:46:09,761
It seemed OK at the time...
681
00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:12,997
You might end up with a smacking,
682
00:46:13,036 --> 00:46:16,199
but now you've got the deeds
back, we're all square, right?
683
00:46:16,240 --> 00:46:21,143
Right. You know what
I should do to you?!
684
00:46:21,178 --> 00:46:23,703
Come on, please.
We must get on.
685
00:46:23,747 --> 00:46:26,739
- I hope it drops off!
- Yeah?
686
00:46:26,784 --> 00:46:31,346
- Yeah!
- Well, yours too!
687
00:46:33,257 --> 00:46:38,593
Did you ever follow up that
tip about that diplomat chap?
688
00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:41,564
LOVEJOY: He was gone by
the time I got there.
689
00:46:41,598 --> 00:46:43,122
Pity.
690
00:46:43,167 --> 00:46:46,762
Well, there was a
Chinaman this morning
691
00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:50,240
who said he had a load of antiques...
692
00:46:50,274 --> 00:46:53,209
I haven't finished...
693
00:46:53,243 --> 00:46:55,541
- Bye, Morrie!
- Where are you going, Lovejoy?!
694
00:47:59,209 --> 00:48:01,769
AAAAAAAAH!
695
00:48:01,819 --> 00:48:06,369
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