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1
00:01:21,300 --> 00:01:24,963
(ALARM GOES OFF)
2
00:01:44,456 --> 00:01:47,755
(ANOTHER ALARM IS SET OFF)
3
00:01:50,963 --> 00:01:53,955
(POLICE SIREN WAILS)
4
00:01:56,635 --> 00:01:58,262
Careful with that.
Where are you taking it?
5
00:01:58,304 --> 00:02:00,499
- The playroom.
- No.
6
00:02:00,539 --> 00:02:02,632
Jim Leonard, my old coach.
7
00:02:03,709 --> 00:02:06,542
He's forgotten more scams
than I'll ever learn.
8
00:02:06,579 --> 00:02:09,707
He's rented a house here for a while.
We're helping him furnish it.
9
00:02:09,748 --> 00:02:13,650
You must remember Jim - last time
I left with egg all over my face.
10
00:02:13,686 --> 00:02:16,382
Oh, it's a Collinson's.
11
00:02:16,422 --> 00:02:18,356
Collinson's of Liverpool.
12
00:02:18,390 --> 00:02:20,449
I had one.
The exact twin.
13
00:02:20,492 --> 00:02:22,392
Oh, Marmalade!
14
00:02:22,428 --> 00:02:23,554
The places he took me!
15
00:02:23,596 --> 00:02:25,928
Epsom Downs, Sherwood
Forest, Balaklava...
16
00:02:25,965 --> 00:02:28,900
- He's got woodworm.
- So will you have, my precious,
17
00:02:28,934 --> 00:02:30,162
when you're that age.
18
00:02:30,202 --> 00:02:32,796
Whatever you paid for
it, Lovejoy, plus 10%.
19
00:02:32,838 --> 00:02:35,102
20%. VAT on fuel.
20
00:02:35,140 --> 00:02:36,971
Done.
21
00:02:37,009 --> 00:02:38,476
What do you want a rocking
horse for, Mr Leonard?
22
00:02:38,510 --> 00:02:39,841
Nostalgia!
23
00:02:39,878 --> 00:02:42,176
Memories of long, hot summers,
24
00:02:42,214 --> 00:02:46,150
the taste of Nanny Brown's
bread and butter pud,
25
00:02:46,185 --> 00:02:47,777
Poohsticks under Cuckoo Bridge,
26
00:02:47,820 --> 00:02:50,880
the smell of newly-mown hay.
27
00:02:50,923 --> 00:02:52,857
Shall we shove it up your bedroom?
28
00:02:52,891 --> 00:02:54,119
Please.
29
00:02:54,159 --> 00:02:58,061
A good morning's graft.
I feel a cocktail coming on.
30
00:02:58,097 --> 00:03:01,658
- You and your gang care for one?
- Certainly, James.
31
00:03:01,700 --> 00:03:05,932
"Revenge is a dish
best served cold."
32
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:15,772
Hello!
33
00:03:15,814 --> 00:03:17,509
- Mr Lovejoy?
- Just Lovejoy.
34
00:03:17,549 --> 00:03:20,017
Don't bother going in there -
you're comin' with me.
35
00:03:20,052 --> 00:03:21,576
- Where to?
- To see my brother.
36
00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:23,087
Well, tell your brother
I'm helping a friend
37
00:03:23,122 --> 00:03:25,955
- with an auction of fine furniture.
- He's generous, he'll pay.
38
00:03:25,991 --> 00:03:28,186
I'll look in my diary.
Maybe next week, eh?
39
00:03:28,227 --> 00:03:30,525
There's just no
convincing you, is there?
40
00:03:30,562 --> 00:03:32,496
No, there isn't. I'm busy.
I'll see you later.
41
00:03:34,099 --> 00:03:40,129
MAN: You hit him too hard, Harry.
Easy! I said wake him, not kill him.
42
00:03:40,172 --> 00:03:41,332
Sorry, Frank.
43
00:03:41,373 --> 00:03:42,635
Lovejoy?
44
00:03:44,476 --> 00:03:46,068
You've met my baby brother, I think.
45
00:03:46,111 --> 00:03:49,512
Harry Whymark. Southeast Counties
Heavyweight Champion, 1978.
46
00:03:49,548 --> 00:03:50,879
Hi, Harry.
47
00:03:50,916 --> 00:03:52,577
Frank Whymark.
48
00:03:52,618 --> 00:03:54,449
- Ah, Frank.
- Maybe you've heard the name.
49
00:03:54,486 --> 00:03:57,216
Wymark?
50
00:03:57,256 --> 00:04:00,089
- Whymark, with an "h".
- Yeah, maybe I've heard the name.
51
00:04:00,125 --> 00:04:04,494
Lot of nasty things been said about me.
A lot of them are true.
52
00:04:04,530 --> 00:04:06,395
Well, if you want an evaluation...
53
00:04:06,432 --> 00:04:07,694
It's urgent.
54
00:04:07,733 --> 00:04:09,758
I'm on the phone.
55
00:04:09,802 --> 00:04:11,133
Couldn't wait. Sorry.
56
00:04:15,841 --> 00:04:17,365
What?
57
00:04:17,409 --> 00:04:19,172
It's a nice piece of furniture.
58
00:04:19,211 --> 00:04:21,406
Even nicer when it was full.
59
00:04:21,447 --> 00:04:24,041
18th-century samurai sword, yes?
60
00:04:24,083 --> 00:04:25,277
Yeah.
61
00:04:25,317 --> 00:04:27,877
That should be a wakizashi -
62
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:30,514
not only for fighting
but for the ritual suicide.
63
00:04:30,556 --> 00:04:32,820
Seppuku.
64
00:04:32,858 --> 00:04:35,725
Disembowelling. Bleurgh!
65
00:04:35,761 --> 00:04:40,528
Please, Mr Whymark,
I'm still a little fragile, OK?
66
00:04:40,566 --> 00:04:42,090
Made in 1762.
67
00:04:42,134 --> 00:04:47,572
The blade was a soft iron core with
layer upon layer of superb steel.
68
00:04:47,606 --> 00:04:50,973
Incredible craftsmanship.
69
00:04:52,811 --> 00:04:54,802
He doesn't think?
70
00:04:56,415 --> 00:05:00,317
You don't think that I had?
71
00:05:00,352 --> 00:05:01,683
No, no. Course not.
72
00:05:02,788 --> 00:05:04,415
But it was stolen,
73
00:05:04,456 --> 00:05:08,358
and I want it back. I want you to look
for it and I want you to find it.
74
00:05:08,394 --> 00:05:12,330
Now, with respect, Frank,
that could be anywhere.
75
00:05:12,364 --> 00:05:14,855
Not my problem, Lovejoy.
76
00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:17,095
Why don't you go to the police, hm?
77
00:05:17,136 --> 00:05:19,366
- Tell 'em you nicked it.
- (FRANK MOUTHS)
78
00:05:19,405 --> 00:05:21,703
(HE CHUCKLES)
79
00:05:21,740 --> 00:05:23,332
Shall I hit 'im again, Frank?
80
00:05:23,375 --> 00:05:26,435
In my experience, people
only call the police
81
00:05:26,478 --> 00:05:30,380
when they don't expect
things to be returned. I do.
82
00:05:30,416 --> 00:05:35,649
You've done time, Lovejoy.
Press your tutored ear to a few walls.
83
00:05:35,687 --> 00:05:40,249
Nothing's so habit-forming as money.
A small advance.
84
00:05:40,292 --> 00:05:42,886
Two grand?
85
00:05:42,928 --> 00:05:46,489
"Offer a man a bribe -
if he refuses, offer him a bullet."
86
00:05:46,532 --> 00:05:48,864
Al Capone, 1928.
87
00:05:48,901 --> 00:05:50,596
(LAUGHING)
88
00:05:50,636 --> 00:05:53,230
- I'll need a photo and a description.
- In the envelope.
89
00:05:53,272 --> 00:05:56,366
Shall we say...
Friday, before midnight?
90
00:05:56,408 --> 00:05:58,569
Friday might be difficult.
91
00:05:58,610 --> 00:06:02,046
I'm a difficult man!
92
00:06:13,058 --> 00:06:16,494
Where is he?
I've been ringing all morning!
93
00:06:16,528 --> 00:06:19,622
Who, Lovejoy?
No, the Archduke Franz Ferdinand!
94
00:06:19,665 --> 00:06:21,098
What, this his furniture, then?
95
00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:23,328
- Most of it!
- We thought he was here.
96
00:06:23,368 --> 00:06:25,802
He's supposed to be!
This whole auction was his idea!
97
00:06:25,838 --> 00:06:28,306
- Is there anything we can do?
- Yes. Move.
98
00:06:38,917 --> 00:06:41,044
Lovejoy, we've just been
over to Charlotte's...
99
00:06:41,086 --> 00:06:43,020
- Yeah, well done.
- With your French cabinet?
100
00:06:43,055 --> 00:06:45,023
- Yeah? Fabulous.
- The tortoiseshell and...
101
00:06:45,057 --> 00:06:47,287
Terrific. I want you to paper
the county with these, Tink.
102
00:06:47,326 --> 00:06:48,725
- Samurai sword?
- That's right.
103
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,057
- Who?
- Anybody and everybody.
104
00:06:50,095 --> 00:06:51,494
Shopkeepers, punters, collectors...
105
00:06:51,530 --> 00:06:53,259
You don't get too many samurai
swords to the pound these days.
106
00:06:53,298 --> 00:06:54,526
- No.
- Been over to Charlotte's yet?
107
00:06:54,566 --> 00:06:56,329
- Why?
- The auction!
108
00:06:56,368 --> 00:06:58,996
- Your auction.
- "Fine furniture, etc."
109
00:06:59,037 --> 00:07:01,301
She was steamed up good
and proper, she was.
110
00:07:01,340 --> 00:07:05,106
Yeah, well, she doesn't have a Southeast
Counties Heavyweight Boxing Champion
111
00:07:05,143 --> 00:07:08,340
working for her, does she?
This comes first - deadline Friday.
112
00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:11,577
What do we call it?
113
00:07:11,617 --> 00:07:14,381
Er, joint stool - late
17th-century joint stool.
114
00:07:14,419 --> 00:07:15,681
Or coffin stool.
115
00:07:15,721 --> 00:07:18,189
"Joint" because of the
mortise and tenon joints.
116
00:07:18,223 --> 00:07:21,021
And "coffin" because you get
two or three of these side by side
117
00:07:21,059 --> 00:07:22,424
in church and put a coffin on 'em.
118
00:07:22,461 --> 00:07:23,985
- Lovejoy.
- Charlotte.
119
00:07:24,029 --> 00:07:27,556
"Conspicuous by his absence" - I think
that's the phrase I was looking for.
120
00:07:27,599 --> 00:07:29,533
- There is a reason...
- There always is.
121
00:07:29,568 --> 00:07:30,728
Slap a reserve on it, Bill.
122
00:07:30,769 --> 00:07:33,237
Just 1,200 - it's not
exactly fine furniture.
123
00:07:33,272 --> 00:07:35,797
Clocks went forward in March, Lovejoy!
124
00:07:35,841 --> 00:07:38,309
I'm really under the cosh, Charlotte.
Really under.
125
00:07:38,343 --> 00:07:40,402
So who's wielding this cosh?
126
00:07:40,445 --> 00:07:42,572
Someone who wants me
to find something for them.
127
00:07:42,614 --> 00:07:44,275
And what is the something?
128
00:07:44,316 --> 00:07:46,443
A samurai sword.
129
00:07:46,485 --> 00:07:47,918
Mm!
130
00:07:49,221 --> 00:07:51,086
Bet that spilt some blood in its day.
131
00:07:51,123 --> 00:07:55,082
Its day might not be over. It might
only be Group A rhesus positive,
132
00:07:55,127 --> 00:07:56,685
but it's all I've got.
133
00:07:56,728 --> 00:07:58,787
Oh, I see. You want me to
make a computer search.
134
00:07:58,830 --> 00:08:01,731
- What a marvellous idea!
- It's more than you deserve.
135
00:08:01,767 --> 00:08:05,328
I'll be eternally grateful, Charlotte.
Of course you will, Lovejoy.
136
00:08:05,370 --> 00:08:07,895
I'm going to make you a deal.
137
00:08:07,940 --> 00:08:09,771
As well as the computer search,
138
00:08:09,808 --> 00:08:12,902
I'm going to call in a few favours
from some of my private contacts
139
00:08:12,945 --> 00:08:17,746
in exchange for you checking
all this furniture now.
140
00:08:19,985 --> 00:08:21,009
Done.
141
00:08:21,053 --> 00:08:24,022
You know, Lovejoy, all
you had to do was ask.
142
00:08:24,056 --> 00:08:25,523
Mm.
143
00:08:25,557 --> 00:08:29,550
Mm. Course, you'd rather con someone
into helping you, wouldn't you?
144
00:08:29,595 --> 00:08:32,189
Any day. Just remember
this is urgent, please.
145
00:08:40,405 --> 00:08:42,703
Jack, seen anything like this about?
146
00:08:42,741 --> 00:08:46,575
Don't get much call for this in Suffolk.
Shame, really.
147
00:08:46,612 --> 00:08:49,240
- Beautiful piece of work.
- Put the word out, will you?
148
00:08:49,281 --> 00:08:52,341
- Lovejoy needs it by yesterday.
- Yesterday?
149
00:08:52,384 --> 00:08:54,477
Well, Friday.
150
00:08:54,519 --> 00:08:55,884
Well, yes, it is rather.
151
00:08:55,921 --> 00:08:57,821
- (BEEPING)
- If you could, Archie.
152
00:08:57,856 --> 00:09:00,188
I'll have it faxed to you immediately.
153
00:09:00,225 --> 00:09:02,955
Mm?
Oh, the Hunt Ball!
154
00:09:02,995 --> 00:09:05,828
Yes, of course.
I'd love to.
155
00:09:05,864 --> 00:09:08,025
Thanks. Bye!
156
00:09:08,066 --> 00:09:11,229
Another blank and a promise to dance
157
00:09:11,269 --> 00:09:13,533
with Prince Halitosis at the Hunt Ball.
158
00:09:13,572 --> 00:09:17,702
- You're all heart, you know, Charlotte.
- I don't know why I even bother.
159
00:09:17,743 --> 00:09:19,142
No?
160
00:09:19,177 --> 00:09:22,112
Well, it's not as if we're
that close these days.
161
00:09:22,147 --> 00:09:23,910
How's this computer search going?
162
00:09:23,949 --> 00:09:26,474
(BEEPING)
163
00:09:28,820 --> 00:09:31,789
Look, Lovejoy, I've still got
this auction to organise.
164
00:09:31,823 --> 00:09:35,190
- I wouldn't mind if I only felt...
- You're doing a marvellous job.
165
00:09:35,227 --> 00:09:37,787
Is it just you or do you think
166
00:09:37,829 --> 00:09:40,730
all men are irredeemably
self-centred and myopic?
167
00:09:40,766 --> 00:09:43,428
Is that a trick question and can
we start with an easier one?
168
00:09:43,468 --> 00:09:44,492
(BEEPING)
169
00:10:00,752 --> 00:10:02,617
Hello! How are you?
170
00:10:02,654 --> 00:10:05,316
Have you seen one of these
on your travels recently?
171
00:10:05,357 --> 00:10:08,349
You're the second bloke today
to come asking for this.
172
00:10:08,393 --> 00:10:09,690
- Really?
- I told him,
173
00:10:09,728 --> 00:10:11,855
I told Tinker - very rare.
174
00:10:11,897 --> 00:10:12,864
Not much chance in this
part of the world.
175
00:10:12,898 --> 00:10:15,366
So, um, it-it's quite valuable?
176
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,493
It is to Lovejoy.
177
00:10:17,536 --> 00:10:19,401
Really?
178
00:10:23,742 --> 00:10:27,041
Do you remember where you were,
Tinker, when Kennedy died?
179
00:10:27,079 --> 00:10:30,571
My dear Beth, I don't remember
where I was last Wednesday.
180
00:10:30,615 --> 00:10:33,641
It was nineteen hundred
and sixty-three.
181
00:10:33,685 --> 00:10:35,880
The Swinging '60s.
182
00:10:35,921 --> 00:10:39,618
Hm!
Disappeared into a blur.
183
00:10:41,026 --> 00:10:43,688
Do you know what they say
about the '60s, Beth?
184
00:10:43,729 --> 00:10:46,892
If you can remember them,
you weren't there.
185
00:10:46,932 --> 00:10:50,231
With me, the same applies to
the '70s, the '80s and half the '90s...
186
00:10:50,268 --> 00:10:52,429
Tink!
187
00:10:56,308 --> 00:10:57,866
Large G and T.
188
00:10:57,909 --> 00:11:01,470
- After you tell me.
- Scatty Herbert.
189
00:11:01,513 --> 00:11:05,074
- Yeah, I know Scatty Herbert.
- Sheffield plate, domestic silver...
190
00:11:05,117 --> 00:11:07,642
- And pig ignorant.
...and militaria.
191
00:11:07,686 --> 00:11:10,120
- Yeah.
- Many's the NAAFI bun that Scatty...
192
00:11:10,155 --> 00:11:12,123
Tink, please. Come on, hm?
193
00:11:12,157 --> 00:11:15,888
Auction, antique samurai sword,
194
00:11:15,927 --> 00:11:18,327
Bury, Wednesday, pm.
195
00:11:18,363 --> 00:11:21,730
- What do you say to that?
- Large gin and tonic.
196
00:11:22,734 --> 00:11:24,895
- LOVEJOY: Anything else?
- TINKER: Yes -
197
00:11:24,936 --> 00:11:26,995
your old mate, Jim Leonard.
198
00:11:28,874 --> 00:11:30,865
Jim! You didn't say
you were coming here.
199
00:11:30,909 --> 00:11:32,604
Neither did you, dear boy.
200
00:11:32,644 --> 00:11:34,874
Charlotte Cavendish - Jim Leonard.
201
00:11:34,913 --> 00:11:37,973
- Oh, I don't believe it!
- Hello!
202
00:11:38,016 --> 00:11:39,506
Oh, you know each other, do you?
203
00:11:39,551 --> 00:11:41,746
(AMERICAN ACCENT)
Mm. Pastrami on rye, hold the mustard.
204
00:11:41,787 --> 00:11:43,880
What a memory!
205
00:11:43,922 --> 00:11:48,018
We first met in a New York deli.
Where was your pad?
206
00:11:48,059 --> 00:11:49,822
Between Lexington and 3rd Street.
207
00:11:49,861 --> 00:11:52,455
East 37th. On my American stint.
208
00:11:52,497 --> 00:11:53,896
Excuse me, guys,
209
00:11:53,932 --> 00:11:56,628
I have to meet a man about
a pair of Satsumas.
210
00:11:56,668 --> 00:11:58,329
Meet up later, Charlotte.
211
00:11:58,370 --> 00:11:59,462
Mmm!
212
00:11:59,504 --> 00:12:01,096
Chin-chin!
213
00:12:01,139 --> 00:12:03,004
Never said you knew Jim Leonard.
214
00:12:03,041 --> 00:12:04,804
I never realised you knew him.
215
00:12:17,088 --> 00:12:18,715
- Sure?
- Positive.
216
00:12:18,757 --> 00:12:21,248
The reserve is 7,000.
Have you got the money?
217
00:12:21,293 --> 00:12:23,056
Don't need it.
218
00:12:23,094 --> 00:12:24,652
- It is beautiful.
- Mm.
219
00:12:24,696 --> 00:12:28,530
Why wait? Just tell them it's stolen.
They'll have to withdraw it.
220
00:12:28,567 --> 00:12:30,034
Why spoil the fun?
221
00:12:32,771 --> 00:12:34,898
- All right, Jim?
- Yeah, fine, Lovejoy.
222
00:12:38,510 --> 00:12:42,310
AUCTIONEER:
Now, ladies and gentlemen, lot 29.
223
00:12:42,347 --> 00:12:45,077
An antique Japanese sword.
224
00:12:45,116 --> 00:12:50,611
A samurai sword.
Date on the blade - 1762.
225
00:12:50,655 --> 00:12:55,115
Shall we start at £5,000?
226
00:12:56,294 --> 00:13:00,253
Has rigor mortis set in,
ladies and gentlemen?
227
00:13:02,534 --> 00:13:06,971
An antique samurai sword,
over 200 years old...
228
00:13:07,005 --> 00:13:08,563
Now, please?
229
00:13:09,941 --> 00:13:11,533
Thank you, sir. 6,000?
230
00:13:11,576 --> 00:13:15,672
6,000 at the back. Seven?
231
00:13:15,714 --> 00:13:17,409
Thank you, sir. Eight?
232
00:13:17,449 --> 00:13:20,714
Nine? It's with you, sir.
233
00:13:23,321 --> 00:13:26,848
Thank you. Ten? Any more...
234
00:13:26,892 --> 00:13:31,192
- for ritual disembowelling?
- (CROWD GROANS)
235
00:13:31,229 --> 00:13:35,165
A new bidder. 11,000?
236
00:13:36,835 --> 00:13:42,432
It's with you, sir, with you
at ten for the first time.
237
00:13:42,474 --> 00:13:48,379
Another new bidder.
£11,000. Thank you, sir.
238
00:13:48,413 --> 00:13:50,779
Shame to lose it, sir.
239
00:13:50,815 --> 00:13:54,182
12,000. Thank you, sir.
240
00:13:54,219 --> 00:13:57,586
13,000. It's with you, sir.
241
00:13:59,791 --> 00:14:01,258
14,000.
242
00:14:01,293 --> 00:14:05,923
With the gentleman at
the back at £15,000.
243
00:14:05,964 --> 00:14:10,060
With the gentleman at
the back at £15,000...
244
00:14:10,101 --> 00:14:12,569
For the first time...
245
00:14:12,604 --> 00:14:14,367
Twice.
246
00:14:15,807 --> 00:14:17,172
Twice...
247
00:14:18,443 --> 00:14:22,277
Sold for £15,000.
248
00:14:22,314 --> 00:14:24,509
- You've lost it, Lovejoy.
- Mm.
249
00:14:24,549 --> 00:14:26,176
What's going on?
250
00:14:26,217 --> 00:14:29,744
Don't you just love
being in control, hm?
251
00:14:29,788 --> 00:14:31,779
What?
252
00:14:31,823 --> 00:14:33,313
Hm?
253
00:14:33,358 --> 00:14:35,656
- Thanks very much.
- Bye-bye.
254
00:14:35,694 --> 00:14:37,992
- Thank you.
- You beat me to it, Jim.
255
00:14:38,029 --> 00:14:40,156
- Lovejoy, would you mind holding it?
- Mm.
256
00:14:40,198 --> 00:14:44,635
Thank you. I... I'm sorry about that.
No hard feelings?
257
00:14:44,669 --> 00:14:46,500
Not at all. It's beautiful, isn't it?
258
00:14:46,538 --> 00:14:49,769
I just didn't realise that you
were into Asian arts and crafts.
259
00:14:49,808 --> 00:14:53,767
Well, never let the left hand know... hm?
260
00:14:53,812 --> 00:14:55,837
You must have spent all
morning boning up on it, eh?
261
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:58,246
- I've got this contact in Hong Kong.
- Really?
262
00:14:58,283 --> 00:15:01,184
The Japanese believe that artefacts
which originate in Japan
263
00:15:01,219 --> 00:15:03,687
- should return there.
- That's fascinating.
264
00:15:03,722 --> 00:15:05,280
You think you'll double
your money, do you?
265
00:15:05,323 --> 00:15:06,551
Oh, at least!
266
00:15:06,591 --> 00:15:08,752
- Probably treble it.
- Really?
267
00:15:08,793 --> 00:15:09,851
Mm, oh, yes.
268
00:15:09,894 --> 00:15:11,862
- Excuse me.
- Yes, of course.
269
00:15:13,865 --> 00:15:16,231
Maybe even quadruple it.
270
00:15:16,267 --> 00:15:18,667
Well, it certainly beats
working for a living.
271
00:15:18,703 --> 00:15:22,366
Yeah. Always said you were a good loser.
Mind you, you've had lots of practice.
272
00:15:22,407 --> 00:15:24,705
- Maestro!
- Oh, thank you.
273
00:15:24,743 --> 00:15:28,144
Oh, Charlotte, I was thinking of popping
to the pub for a bottle of bubbly.
274
00:15:28,179 --> 00:15:31,148
- Would you like to join me?
- We'd love to, wouldn't we, Charlotte?
275
00:15:31,182 --> 00:15:34,549
Mm!
Are you going to tell him it's stolen?
276
00:15:34,586 --> 00:15:37,419
Later. Later.
277
00:15:40,025 --> 00:15:41,856
It's the Bentley.
278
00:15:41,893 --> 00:15:46,921
Oh, Charlotte, Lovejoy.
What can I say?
279
00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:51,965
All ready for a convivial evening,
I had a call on the mobile.
280
00:15:52,003 --> 00:15:55,598
Hong Kong buyer's in town for 24 hours.
I knew you'd both understand.
281
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:58,700
We must... must do this again soon.
282
00:15:58,743 --> 00:16:01,268
Longer, of course. Ciao!
283
00:16:01,312 --> 00:16:05,806
Lovejoy, if he sells to that Hong
Kong buyer, you're in real trouble.
284
00:16:05,850 --> 00:16:08,250
I think I know who that
"Hong Kong buyer" is.
285
00:16:11,790 --> 00:16:13,280
How did you know?
286
00:16:14,426 --> 00:16:16,155
Cos I saw her at the auction.
287
00:16:18,096 --> 00:16:21,327
And when are you going to
tell Jim his sword's stolen?
288
00:16:21,366 --> 00:16:23,891
Well, give him half an hour
to drive to the Blue Boar,
289
00:16:23,935 --> 00:16:26,096
aperitif, dinner, brandy afterwards...
290
00:16:26,137 --> 00:16:29,163
Let him wind up the gramophone.
About half past ten.
291
00:16:29,207 --> 00:16:31,300
How do you know he's taken
her to the Blue Boar?
292
00:16:31,342 --> 00:16:32,775
Cos that's where I'd have taken her.
293
00:16:32,877 --> 00:16:34,970
(BOTH GIGGLING)
294
00:16:37,348 --> 00:16:40,613
Ah, look after the Bentley
for me, would you?
295
00:16:40,652 --> 00:16:42,017
(BOTH GIGGLING)
296
00:16:50,228 --> 00:16:54,028
- Anything you care to recommend?
- Cod's always good. And the plaice.
297
00:16:54,065 --> 00:16:55,555
Tinker swears by the haddock, though.
298
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,091
You said you were taking
me out to dinner, Lovejoy.
299
00:16:58,136 --> 00:16:59,535
Yeah, I am.
Move up a bit.
300
00:16:59,571 --> 00:17:02,472
To a wonderful fish
restaurant, you said!
301
00:17:02,507 --> 00:17:05,704
- Are you saying I lied to you?
- This isn't quite what I had in mind.
302
00:17:05,743 --> 00:17:07,210
Don't tell me you want rock salmon!
303
00:17:07,245 --> 00:17:09,839
No, grilled salmon is
what I was thinking of.
304
00:17:09,881 --> 00:17:12,873
Rainbow trout with
almonds, red snapper...
305
00:17:12,917 --> 00:17:15,977
No, no, no. You see, you can't eat mushy
peas and pickled onions with that.
306
00:17:16,020 --> 00:17:17,044
Spoils the flavour.
307
00:17:17,088 --> 00:17:22,116
(GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)
308
00:17:29,501 --> 00:17:33,335
He'd win a gold medal, that man.
World-class groveller.
309
00:17:34,439 --> 00:17:36,907
I've always been a fan of Dom Perignon.
310
00:17:36,941 --> 00:17:40,138
Like me, they don't
do things by halves.
311
00:17:40,178 --> 00:17:43,477
Oh!
I was 40 before I knew that.
312
00:17:43,515 --> 00:17:45,073
Salut, Joanna.
313
00:17:45,116 --> 00:17:48,984
- The name's Jo.
- Jo.
314
00:17:49,020 --> 00:17:52,854
What did we decide about
the oysters, hmm?
315
00:17:52,891 --> 00:17:54,654
Mmm.
316
00:17:54,692 --> 00:17:58,093
Cod and chips, mushy peas and
pickled onions twice, please.
317
00:17:58,129 --> 00:18:00,757
Got to live a little,
haven't you, Charlotte, eh?
318
00:18:00,798 --> 00:18:01,992
What would you like to drink?
319
00:18:02,033 --> 00:18:04,729
Well, I'll leave that to you, Lovejoy,
you're obviously the expert.
320
00:18:04,769 --> 00:18:06,361
Well, I can recommend
anything in the fridge.
321
00:18:06,404 --> 00:18:07,996
- Got any Vimto?
- Vimto?!
322
00:18:10,008 --> 00:18:13,444
Excuse me! I think you'll find
the queue starts back there.
323
00:18:13,478 --> 00:18:15,343
Clock's still ticking, Lovejoy.
324
00:18:15,380 --> 00:18:17,814
And Frank's foot's starting
to hurt him again.
325
00:18:17,849 --> 00:18:19,612
Oh, everything's under control, Harry.
326
00:18:19,651 --> 00:18:21,585
Another cod and chips, please.
327
00:18:21,619 --> 00:18:24,679
- Was that your client?
- Mm-hm. Have one of these.
328
00:18:31,129 --> 00:18:33,029
Ooh!
329
00:18:33,064 --> 00:18:35,589
Ooh, lovely!
330
00:18:35,633 --> 00:18:36,930
Mm!
331
00:18:40,038 --> 00:18:42,165
Even has a view!
332
00:18:42,207 --> 00:18:45,040
So, it's only a car park.
333
00:18:45,076 --> 00:18:49,137
And an electric trouser press.
How many people do you imagine use that?
334
00:18:49,180 --> 00:18:50,943
Oh, I do whenever I'm in a hotel.
335
00:18:50,982 --> 00:18:54,509
TV, trouser press,
hairdryer, shoe polisher.
336
00:18:54,552 --> 00:18:58,488
Oh, I use all the toys. Ooh! Rrr!
337
00:18:58,523 --> 00:19:01,856
- That's better.
- I'll just give these a rinse.
338
00:19:01,893 --> 00:19:03,690
Yes, quite.
339
00:19:19,777 --> 00:19:22,439
You know, the pressure
inside one of these
340
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:25,540
is six kilos per square centimetre.
341
00:19:25,583 --> 00:19:27,949
- I'll bet you didn't know that.
- I did not.
342
00:19:27,986 --> 00:19:31,012
Approximately the same as a bus tyre.
343
00:19:31,055 --> 00:19:33,353
You're a fund of knowledge, aren't you?
344
00:19:33,391 --> 00:19:37,088
Mm. I took one of these once,
a vintage '65, to a Christmas party.
345
00:19:37,128 --> 00:19:41,030
My host poured it into the punchbowl.
346
00:19:41,065 --> 00:19:42,191
Whoops!
347
00:19:42,233 --> 00:19:44,997
- What did you do?
- What could I do? I wept!
348
00:19:45,036 --> 00:19:46,333
Whoops!
349
00:19:46,371 --> 00:19:48,965
(BOTH GIGGLING)
350
00:19:52,810 --> 00:19:54,903
Can't stay off the Vimto, eh?
351
00:19:54,946 --> 00:19:59,212
One of the better Beaujolais,
clearly wasted on you.
352
00:20:00,518 --> 00:20:02,418
- Mm.
- Mm...
353
00:20:02,453 --> 00:20:05,513
Oh! I still smell of chips.
354
00:20:05,556 --> 00:20:07,285
What did you think of them, by the way?
355
00:20:07,325 --> 00:20:08,349
- The chips?
- Mm.
356
00:20:08,393 --> 00:20:12,523
- All right, I suppose.
- All right?!
357
00:20:12,563 --> 00:20:17,296
(AMERICAN ACCENT) They're probably
the finest chips in all East Anglia.
358
00:20:17,335 --> 00:20:22,796
I'm not sure it's such a good idea,
letting you in after sunset.
359
00:20:26,044 --> 00:20:30,003
(RUNNING WATER)
Crease like a knife-edge by dawn.
360
00:20:30,048 --> 00:20:31,481
How do you like it?
361
00:20:31,516 --> 00:20:32,949
Don't make it too hot.
362
00:20:32,984 --> 00:20:35,578
Oh... I wouldn't dream of it.
363
00:20:35,620 --> 00:20:37,144
Makes my hair go frizzy.
364
00:20:42,193 --> 00:20:45,651
- Now... bath salts or gel?
- No shampoo?
365
00:20:45,697 --> 00:20:47,927
Oh, yes, yes, there's shampoo.
366
00:20:47,965 --> 00:20:49,193
Shove 'em all in.
367
00:20:49,233 --> 00:20:52,202
- All of them?
- Live dangerously.
368
00:21:01,446 --> 00:21:04,415
(NOISY COWBOY FILM ON TV)
369
00:21:07,685 --> 00:21:11,052
(GUNFIGHT ON TV)
370
00:21:29,907 --> 00:21:31,465
Joanna?
371
00:21:34,712 --> 00:21:36,339
Joanna!
372
00:21:36,381 --> 00:21:37,780
(SHOUTING) Joanna!
373
00:22:12,617 --> 00:22:15,108
Ooh!
374
00:22:17,955 --> 00:22:19,547
Ah!
375
00:22:19,590 --> 00:22:20,614
Oh!
376
00:22:36,674 --> 00:22:38,232
Damn!
377
00:22:38,276 --> 00:22:42,269
Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!
378
00:22:42,313 --> 00:22:45,840
"Goodbye," said Peter to
Wendy and he rose in the air,"
379
00:22:45,883 --> 00:22:48,181
"and the shameless Jane rose with him."
380
00:22:48,219 --> 00:22:50,710
"It was already her easiest
way of moving about."
381
00:22:50,755 --> 00:22:53,417
"Wendy rushed to the window.
No, no!, she cried."
382
00:22:53,458 --> 00:22:56,018
"It is just for spring
cleaning time," Jane said.
383
00:22:56,060 --> 00:22:59,029
"He wants me always to
do his spring cleaning."
384
00:22:59,063 --> 00:23:03,090
- "If only I could go with you..."
- "Wendy sighed."
385
00:23:03,134 --> 00:23:04,761
(CHARLOTTE SIGHS)
386
00:23:06,037 --> 00:23:07,197
How was that?
387
00:23:07,238 --> 00:23:09,433
Fab!
388
00:23:11,409 --> 00:23:14,139
The perfect end...
389
00:23:14,178 --> 00:23:16,646
to the perfect day.
390
00:23:16,681 --> 00:23:18,171
(PHONE RINGS)
391
00:23:19,650 --> 00:23:21,015
Yes?
392
00:23:21,052 --> 00:23:22,519
- JIM ON PHONE: Charlotte?
- Speaking.
393
00:23:22,553 --> 00:23:24,384
It's me, Jim, Jim Leonard.
394
00:23:24,422 --> 00:23:26,549
(WHISPERING) Jim.
395
00:23:26,591 --> 00:23:28,855
I-I'm in trouble, mega trouble.
396
00:23:28,893 --> 00:23:31,589
I need help. I'm sorry, but I just
couldn't think of anyone else.
397
00:23:31,629 --> 00:23:33,028
What sort of trouble?
398
00:23:33,064 --> 00:23:35,362
- It's hard to explain.
- Try.
399
00:23:35,399 --> 00:23:39,495
- I'm at the Blue Boar Hotel.
- Oh, the Blue Boar.
400
00:23:39,537 --> 00:23:42,529
- (LOVEJOY WHISPERING) Told you.
- How pleasant.
401
00:23:42,573 --> 00:23:44,700
I don't see why he couldn't
just ring reception.
402
00:23:44,742 --> 00:23:48,075
And admit he's been conned?
No wallet, no money, no plastic - I love it.
403
00:23:48,112 --> 00:23:50,774
Good evening. 37, please.
404
00:23:54,051 --> 00:23:56,246
- There we go.
- Thank you.
405
00:23:56,287 --> 00:23:57,982
Thank you.
406
00:23:59,757 --> 00:24:01,224
Oh, Charlotte!
407
00:24:01,259 --> 00:24:03,625
Oh, there'll be a place
in heaven for you.
408
00:24:03,661 --> 00:24:05,424
Not yet, I hope.
409
00:24:05,463 --> 00:24:08,193
Oh, Jim Leonard -
street cred in tatters,
410
00:24:08,232 --> 00:24:10,928
mugged by some chit of a girl.
411
00:24:10,968 --> 00:24:14,495
Oh, I'm sorry, I've
lost my sense of humour
412
00:24:14,539 --> 00:24:17,372
along with everything else. You see?
She even nicked my trousers!
413
00:24:17,408 --> 00:24:19,399
Sorry, Jim.
Nothing over a 32 in my wardrobe.
414
00:24:19,443 --> 00:24:20,569
Shut up!
415
00:24:21,979 --> 00:24:25,176
Oh, yeah. She was playing Wendy
to my Peter Pan when you called.
416
00:24:25,216 --> 00:24:26,877
What?
417
00:24:26,918 --> 00:24:30,012
Well, at least, you've
still got the sword.
418
00:24:30,054 --> 00:24:31,544
Oh! Nothing to worry about.
419
00:24:31,589 --> 00:24:34,285
- Haven't you, Jim?
- Locked in the boot of the car.
420
00:24:34,325 --> 00:24:35,349
Safe as houses.
421
00:24:37,261 --> 00:24:41,129
- She stole the car! I don't believe it!
- Neither do I.
422
00:24:41,165 --> 00:24:44,532
Dinner plus wine, champagne
and liqueurs is £110.
423
00:24:44,569 --> 00:24:47,333
- Appetite's holding up.
- What the hell am I supposed to do?
424
00:24:47,371 --> 00:24:50,898
Overnight for the room is £85
plus two bottles of Dom Perignon.
425
00:24:50,942 --> 00:24:55,436
- Two bottles? I only had one bottle...
- So, service and VAT included...
426
00:24:56,514 --> 00:24:57,708
...Samurai sword!
427
00:24:57,748 --> 00:24:59,113
£362.
428
00:24:59,150 --> 00:25:01,175
- JIM: Three hundred and what?!
- £62.
429
00:25:01,218 --> 00:25:04,085
£362 on that bimbo! It's a rip-off!
430
00:25:04,121 --> 00:25:07,750
- RECEPTIONIST: Is he taking the towel?
- CHARLOTTE: Oh, I think he should.
431
00:25:07,792 --> 00:25:10,693
That'll be another £25.
432
00:25:10,728 --> 00:25:13,060
£25?! For a towel?!
433
00:25:13,097 --> 00:25:16,157
You can keep it!
434
00:25:17,602 --> 00:25:20,765
Yes, Access, Visa and Diners.
435
00:25:20,871 --> 00:25:25,069
I, um, I can't claim
for the cash, can I?
436
00:25:25,109 --> 00:25:28,203
Yeah, about, um... Oh, 300?
437
00:25:28,245 --> 00:25:30,110
Oh. Thanks.
438
00:25:31,983 --> 00:25:34,781
- Show me again.
- You've only just looked.
439
00:25:34,819 --> 00:25:36,252
Show me.
440
00:25:39,624 --> 00:25:42,286
- Well, what do you think?
- It's her!
441
00:25:42,326 --> 00:25:43,953
- Yeah?
- Mm!
442
00:25:43,995 --> 00:25:45,189
What about the nose?
443
00:25:45,229 --> 00:25:46,890
It's much, much, much better.
444
00:25:46,931 --> 00:25:48,956
- And the chin?
- (CAR HORN PEEPS)
445
00:25:50,034 --> 00:25:51,524
They've found the Bentley.
446
00:25:51,569 --> 00:25:55,767
- JIM: Game, set and...
- LOVEJOY: Samurai sword.
447
00:25:58,142 --> 00:26:00,906
- At least she left you the keys.
- But not the wallet.
448
00:26:04,448 --> 00:26:06,507
Jim, I thought you said you didn't...
449
00:26:06,550 --> 00:26:08,142
I was in the bathroom.
450
00:26:08,185 --> 00:26:10,676
I'd like to break her bloody neck!
451
00:26:10,721 --> 00:26:13,519
- Who are you calling?
- Lily Law. What else can I do?
452
00:26:13,557 --> 00:26:15,548
Jim, shall we think about this?
453
00:26:15,593 --> 00:26:18,790
- Lovejoy, I've been robbed.
- No, Jim, don't. Trust me.
454
00:26:18,829 --> 00:26:21,923
Of course I trust you, Lovejoy.
455
00:26:21,966 --> 00:26:24,628
All you'll succeed in by doing this is
filling up some plod's pending tray...
456
00:26:24,669 --> 00:26:28,765
Lovejoy, I want her caught.
I want her hung, drawn and quartered...
457
00:26:28,806 --> 00:26:31,036
- Jim, you don't...
...and I want to watch.
458
00:26:31,075 --> 00:26:33,737
- You don't even know her name.
- I know her initials.
459
00:26:33,778 --> 00:26:36,645
JW, tattooed on her purse.
460
00:26:36,681 --> 00:26:38,546
Which she'd probably just nicked.
461
00:26:38,582 --> 00:26:40,982
Let me find her.
462
00:26:41,018 --> 00:26:42,883
You? Why?
463
00:26:45,322 --> 00:26:47,847
Friendship.
464
00:26:47,892 --> 00:26:50,360
Really?
465
00:26:50,394 --> 00:26:52,328
Really.
466
00:26:52,363 --> 00:26:54,331
Well, plus a little...
467
00:26:55,633 --> 00:26:57,999
Hm, all right.
468
00:27:02,707 --> 00:27:04,698
- I'll give you till Friday.
- Ah.
469
00:27:04,742 --> 00:27:06,835
Friday, yeah.
470
00:27:06,877 --> 00:27:08,401
Why not?
471
00:27:08,446 --> 00:27:10,505
Got a nice ring to it, Friday.
472
00:27:21,559 --> 00:27:23,117
Lovejoy!
473
00:27:27,565 --> 00:27:30,159
Perhaps she had nothing
to do with the sword.
474
00:27:30,201 --> 00:27:32,169
She took it out of the boot.
475
00:27:32,203 --> 00:27:34,000
Yeah, only because it was there.
476
00:27:34,038 --> 00:27:36,632
I mean, it could've been anything -
a plaque, painting, silver, anything.
477
00:27:36,674 --> 00:27:38,665
No, I saw her at the auction.
478
00:27:38,709 --> 00:27:41,075
Right? She watched him buy
the sword, she followed him,
479
00:27:41,112 --> 00:27:45,776
- She pulled him.
- I pulled her!
480
00:27:47,451 --> 00:27:50,852
Jim, excuse me,
481
00:27:50,888 --> 00:27:55,120
I saw her at the auction.
She's not more than 25.
482
00:27:55,159 --> 00:27:56,922
What are you getting at?
483
00:27:56,961 --> 00:27:59,259
Nothing, maestro, except you don't
look like Gregory Peck any more.
484
00:27:59,296 --> 00:28:02,129
- Nor does Gregory Peck.
- Who's Gregory Peck?
485
00:28:02,166 --> 00:28:05,101
- Oh, please don't.
- LOVEJOY: She's got the sword.
486
00:28:05,136 --> 00:28:08,299
Right? Now, assuming that
she isn't a collector...
487
00:28:08,339 --> 00:28:11,866
Well, of course she's not!
Collectors don't shut clients in bathrooms.
488
00:28:13,577 --> 00:28:16,273
- What's she gonna do with it?
- Sell it again.
489
00:28:16,313 --> 00:28:17,974
How?
490
00:28:18,015 --> 00:28:20,882
- JIM: Another auction?
- She wouldn't dare.
491
00:28:20,918 --> 00:28:24,319
- Well, how does she sell it?
- Privately.
492
00:28:24,355 --> 00:28:26,915
That's right - we advertise!
493
00:28:26,957 --> 00:28:29,949
"Oriental artefacts for sale - top
prices paid for samurai swords."
494
00:28:29,994 --> 00:28:33,430
LOVEJOY: You've got it, Tink! Come on,
Beth, get on to Sally at the paper.
495
00:28:33,464 --> 00:28:36,900
Tinker, the search continues.
Come on, you can take that with you.
496
00:28:38,803 --> 00:28:41,101
I'm gonna sit here...
and think.
497
00:28:41,138 --> 00:28:44,437
It's what you're good at, Butch.
498
00:29:02,860 --> 00:29:05,829
No, Charlotte.
No, that's all he said.
499
00:29:05,863 --> 00:29:11,426
Huh? No, nothing about
a fine furniture auction.
500
00:29:11,468 --> 00:29:16,371
I'd take a very tough line with
Lovejoy if I were you, Charlotte.
501
00:29:16,407 --> 00:29:20,673
Hm?
Oh, working my socks off!
502
00:29:31,722 --> 00:29:33,519
Watch it!
503
00:29:38,028 --> 00:29:40,258
I'm not an eloquent man, Lovejoy.
504
00:29:40,297 --> 00:29:41,525
I think I know what you're
going to say, though.
505
00:29:41,565 --> 00:29:44,728
No, you don't.
My foot is radiating waves of pain.
506
00:29:44,768 --> 00:29:45,962
HARRY: He hates pain.
507
00:29:46,003 --> 00:29:49,336
My feeling about pain is, it's
better to give than receive.
508
00:29:49,373 --> 00:29:51,432
That's very charitable of you, Frank.
How did you do that?
509
00:29:51,475 --> 00:29:53,204
That's my business, toerag.
510
00:29:53,244 --> 00:29:57,078
Pardon me if I close my
eyes - it helps me to see.
511
00:29:58,582 --> 00:30:00,880
You're a smart man, Lovejoy.
512
00:30:00,918 --> 00:30:03,614
No formal qualifications,
you understand.
513
00:30:03,654 --> 00:30:07,784
A smart man like you would have
some information for me by now.
514
00:30:07,825 --> 00:30:09,656
This is a tricky one, Frank.
515
00:30:09,693 --> 00:30:12,093
I love that sword.
516
00:30:12,129 --> 00:30:14,597
It's like a daughter to me.
517
00:30:14,632 --> 00:30:16,361
Frank loves his daughter.
518
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:20,427
FRANK: You wouldn't be keeping any
information to yourself, now, would you?
519
00:30:20,471 --> 00:30:22,803
I should hate that, Lovejoy.
520
00:30:25,009 --> 00:30:27,102
That would really upset me.
521
00:30:27,144 --> 00:30:29,112
Frank doesn't like to be upset.
522
00:30:29,146 --> 00:30:30,875
Clock's still ticking, Lovejoy.
523
00:30:30,915 --> 00:30:33,383
Midnight tomorrow.
524
00:30:41,558 --> 00:30:43,423
(PHONE RINGS)
525
00:30:43,460 --> 00:30:45,257
Yeah?
526
00:30:45,296 --> 00:30:47,696
Lovejoy, where the hell are you?!
527
00:30:47,731 --> 00:30:50,757
LOVEJOY: You know where I am
- you're calling me here.
528
00:30:50,801 --> 00:30:53,361
Is there any point in believing
any of your promises?
529
00:30:53,404 --> 00:30:55,964
Charlotte, have I
missed something here?
530
00:30:56,006 --> 00:30:59,533
Oh, the fine furniture preview!
531
00:30:59,576 --> 00:31:02,773
Half the furniture's still unpriced.
I've been waiting for you all morning.
532
00:31:02,813 --> 00:31:04,872
LOVEJOY: I'm sorry, Charlotte,
I've had a lot on my mind.
533
00:31:04,915 --> 00:31:07,110
I suppose you'd better know something's
just come up on the computer.
534
00:31:07,151 --> 00:31:09,016
Really? Tell me.
535
00:31:09,053 --> 00:31:11,578
CHARLOTTE: Now, promise me
you'll come straight over.
536
00:31:11,622 --> 00:31:15,353
Yeah. I promise, Charlotte. Scout's
honour - later, OK? Just tell me.
537
00:31:15,392 --> 00:31:19,726
Were you ever a Scout?!
I can't see it somehow.
538
00:31:19,763 --> 00:31:21,458
Charlotte, I've got a
deadline - literally!
539
00:31:21,498 --> 00:31:23,193
Well, if you're going
to take that tone...
540
00:31:23,233 --> 00:31:25,201
Charlotte!
541
00:31:27,638 --> 00:31:31,165
Jack's stall, the antique
market, Long Melford.
542
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:38,477
Wrong sword.
543
00:31:38,515 --> 00:31:40,210
Wrong century.
544
00:31:40,250 --> 00:31:42,184
Cheddar, not Camembert.
545
00:31:42,219 --> 00:31:44,949
Sorry. Samurai sword.
546
00:31:44,989 --> 00:31:47,253
Oh, that it is.
Not your fault, Jack.
547
00:31:47,291 --> 00:31:51,284
It's in good nick. Acquired in Singapore, '45.
Faultless provenance.
548
00:31:51,328 --> 00:31:53,193
Just not the one I'm looking for.
549
00:31:53,230 --> 00:31:55,721
Got a nice pair of Mortimer
pistols just come in...
550
00:31:55,766 --> 00:31:57,961
- Nah.
- How did you know I'd got it?
551
00:31:58,002 --> 00:32:00,869
- I was going to give you a ring.
- Charlotte picked it up
552
00:32:00,904 --> 00:32:01,928
- on her computer network.
553
00:32:01,972 --> 00:32:05,373
That's funny.
I've not told them about it yet.
554
00:32:06,443 --> 00:32:08,536
(PHONE RINGS)
555
00:32:12,416 --> 00:32:13,644
Lovejoy!
556
00:32:13,684 --> 00:32:14,946
Telephone.
557
00:32:21,492 --> 00:32:24,120
- Who is it?
- Wouldn't say.
558
00:32:24,161 --> 00:32:25,185
Lovejoy.
559
00:32:25,229 --> 00:32:27,060
WOMAN ON PHONE:
You want to buy a samurai sword?
560
00:32:27,097 --> 00:32:29,622
Not just a sword.
It's got to be a special one.
561
00:32:29,666 --> 00:32:31,258
Mine is special.
562
00:32:31,301 --> 00:32:33,963
- LOVEJOY: What date?
- What date did you have in mind?
563
00:32:34,004 --> 00:32:36,165
1762.
564
00:32:36,206 --> 00:32:38,333
Snap!
565
00:32:39,410 --> 00:32:42,402
I'll be back as soon as I can.
566
00:32:42,446 --> 00:32:46,007
As soon as I get the sword. I've got
to get it to Whymark by midnight.
567
00:32:46,050 --> 00:32:50,680
Charlotte, I promised, didn't I?
I'll call you later!
568
00:32:50,721 --> 00:32:52,552
(HE SLAMS PHONE DOWN)
569
00:33:02,933 --> 00:33:05,629
Joanna. You can call me Jo.
570
00:33:05,669 --> 00:33:07,193
Lovejoy.
571
00:33:07,237 --> 00:33:08,329
You're early.
572
00:33:08,372 --> 00:33:11,068
Early bird gets samurai sword.
573
00:33:11,108 --> 00:33:12,268
Where is it, by the way?
574
00:33:12,309 --> 00:33:13,867
Whoa! Slow down.
575
00:33:13,911 --> 00:33:15,276
There's not such a rush.
576
00:33:15,312 --> 00:33:19,442
Um, forgive me, but I'm a little
obsessional at the moment.
577
00:33:19,483 --> 00:33:21,280
- You do have it, don't you?
- Course I do.
578
00:33:21,318 --> 00:33:26,688
Now... you take a look at that
and choose us a nice dinner.
579
00:33:33,363 --> 00:33:35,297
You, er... specialise in militaria?
580
00:33:36,333 --> 00:33:38,528
Bit of an all-rounder, actually.
581
00:33:38,569 --> 00:33:40,901
I bat, bowl...
582
00:33:42,372 --> 00:33:44,499
A safe pair of hands.
583
00:33:44,541 --> 00:33:47,840
Mm... Good, strong life line.
584
00:33:47,878 --> 00:33:49,743
Might peter out at midnight.
585
00:33:49,780 --> 00:33:52,112
Gives us a few hours to
play, then, doesn't it?
586
00:34:01,391 --> 00:34:02,949
- That it?
- That's it.
587
00:34:02,993 --> 00:34:05,826
- Beautiful, isn't it?
- Isn't it?
588
00:34:05,863 --> 00:34:10,823
It cost a samurai a year's
wages to pay for his blade.
589
00:34:13,303 --> 00:34:14,895
Shall we discuss terms?
590
00:34:14,938 --> 00:34:17,133
You're in such a rush!
591
00:34:17,174 --> 00:34:19,938
Fun first...
592
00:34:19,977 --> 00:34:23,674
business later.
593
00:34:23,714 --> 00:34:26,581
Now... I'll run a bath.
594
00:34:28,485 --> 00:34:31,045
A nice warm bath.
595
00:34:33,023 --> 00:34:35,719
It's a... good place to...
596
00:34:35,759 --> 00:34:37,818
negotiate.
597
00:34:44,234 --> 00:34:46,498
(RUNNING WATER)
598
00:35:08,926 --> 00:35:11,394
Do you want the taps
or the Stretford end?
599
00:35:20,704 --> 00:35:22,467
- Lovejoy!
- What?
600
00:35:22,506 --> 00:35:25,168
You can do better than that.
601
00:35:25,209 --> 00:35:28,838
Now, you're not taking
any clothes off...
602
00:35:28,879 --> 00:35:30,870
and neither am I.
603
00:35:31,949 --> 00:35:35,009
- Am I not your type?
- Oh, yes, you're very much my type.
604
00:35:35,052 --> 00:35:36,917
Trouble is, I've got
one like you at home.
605
00:35:36,954 --> 00:35:38,546
One what?
606
00:35:38,589 --> 00:35:39,851
A daughter.
607
00:35:41,525 --> 00:35:42,549
JW -
608
00:35:42,593 --> 00:35:44,424
Joanna Whymark.
609
00:35:44,461 --> 00:35:46,361
What?
610
00:35:46,396 --> 00:35:49,957
Remember, I'm a divvy -
I suss things out. Magic!
611
00:35:52,402 --> 00:35:55,303
- You looked in my handbag?
- Mm-hm.
612
00:35:55,339 --> 00:36:00,038
So, what do you take in your tea?
613
00:36:00,077 --> 00:36:02,341
I'm into wine.
614
00:36:04,281 --> 00:36:06,715
Ah. Nothing like a
good cup of tea.
615
00:36:21,198 --> 00:36:23,029
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
616
00:36:28,905 --> 00:36:31,373
LOVEJOY ON MACHINE: Lovejoy, 10pm.
I'm at the Blue Boar.
617
00:36:31,408 --> 00:36:33,933
Just going upstairs to room
37 to get this sorted.
618
00:36:33,977 --> 00:36:35,968
I'll check with you later.
Dib dib!
619
00:36:36,713 --> 00:36:38,180
(BEEPING)
620
00:36:41,385 --> 00:36:43,478
So this row, tell me what it was about.
621
00:36:44,888 --> 00:36:47,379
Hairs in the sink?
Boyfriend with spots?
622
00:36:47,424 --> 00:36:49,358
Now you're talking like my father.
623
00:36:50,527 --> 00:36:51,653
Go on.
624
00:36:52,829 --> 00:36:55,491
He makes promises and he breaks them.
625
00:36:55,532 --> 00:36:57,762
Sounds like a lot of dads.
626
00:36:57,801 --> 00:37:00,099
It was important, Lovejoy.
627
00:37:01,171 --> 00:37:03,071
Sorry. Go on.
628
00:37:04,107 --> 00:37:06,632
He promised me a
contribution to Greenpeace.
629
00:37:06,677 --> 00:37:09,805
Greenpeace?! Doesn't sound
like the Frank Whymark I know.
630
00:37:09,846 --> 00:37:12,212
£20,000.
631
00:37:12,249 --> 00:37:15,047
I was really proud of him.
632
00:37:15,085 --> 00:37:17,610
I thought he really cared
about the environment.
633
00:37:17,654 --> 00:37:21,351
Then this stupid bloody
sword came along.
634
00:37:21,391 --> 00:37:23,256
It's a work of art, Jo.
635
00:37:23,293 --> 00:37:25,454
Yeah, well, I hate it.
And I hate him.
636
00:37:29,099 --> 00:37:30,589
So?
637
00:37:30,634 --> 00:37:35,401
So, the twenty grand he promised
Greenpeace to buy an old trawler,
638
00:37:35,439 --> 00:37:36,701
he spent on this!
639
00:37:36,740 --> 00:37:38,867
I mean, a sword, Lovejoy!
640
00:37:38,909 --> 00:37:42,538
Of all the male, macho, stupid things!
641
00:37:42,579 --> 00:37:45,343
He's a collector - these things happen.
642
00:37:45,382 --> 00:37:51,252
Yeah, well, I sold the Porsche
he gave me. Serve him right.
643
00:37:51,288 --> 00:37:54,280
Gave the money to Greenpeace.
644
00:37:54,324 --> 00:37:59,956
Oh. The Mini being more
environmentally friendly, is that it?
645
00:37:59,996 --> 00:38:01,987
Yes! It is, isn't it?
646
00:38:02,032 --> 00:38:04,466
Well...
647
00:38:06,303 --> 00:38:10,797
Anyway, you nicked the sword to
raise money for Greenpeace as well,
648
00:38:10,841 --> 00:38:11,933
is that it?
649
00:38:11,975 --> 00:38:13,966
Well, actually, no.
650
00:38:14,010 --> 00:38:16,342
I just wanted to hurt
him like he hurt me.
651
00:38:17,881 --> 00:38:19,508
I knew he'd come after the sword.
652
00:38:19,549 --> 00:38:22,416
Or send someone after it.
653
00:38:22,452 --> 00:38:24,784
I just wanted to make a
monkey out of him too.
654
00:38:26,823 --> 00:38:27,915
You did.
655
00:38:27,958 --> 00:38:31,894
No, I didn't. Someone called
Jim Leonard bought the sword.
656
00:38:31,928 --> 00:38:34,419
I know my dad didn't
know anything about him,
657
00:38:34,464 --> 00:38:36,694
so I had to make sure
you came after it.
658
00:38:38,435 --> 00:38:42,929
I wanted to show him how clever
I was, how grown-up I was.
659
00:38:42,973 --> 00:38:46,340
How he couldn't treat me
like a child any more.
660
00:38:49,146 --> 00:38:50,511
And now?
661
00:38:53,517 --> 00:38:56,281
I just wanna go home.
662
00:39:08,098 --> 00:39:10,328
Ah, good evening, madam.
Nice to see you again.
663
00:39:10,367 --> 00:39:12,892
Yes, isn't it just?
Er, room 37, please.
664
00:39:12,936 --> 00:39:15,131
Oh. Thank you.
665
00:39:16,940 --> 00:39:20,103
(DOORBELL RINGS INSISTENTLY)
666
00:39:28,985 --> 00:39:30,247
Shh!
667
00:39:48,004 --> 00:39:51,770
Lovejoy... where are you?
668
00:39:52,075 --> 00:39:55,533
Bulk licences for regular exporters.
669
00:39:55,579 --> 00:40:01,017
If they do, they have to go to an
"expert advisor" - quote, unquote.
670
00:40:01,051 --> 00:40:02,450
(FRANK CHUCKLES)
671
00:40:02,486 --> 00:40:05,421
OK, Giorgio. Any problems,
you know where to find me.
672
00:40:05,455 --> 00:40:10,392
- It's midnight, Lovejoy.
- Only in this time zone, Frank.
673
00:40:10,427 --> 00:40:12,861
- Pacific time...
- Where's my sword?
674
00:40:12,896 --> 00:40:14,591
I haven't got it.
675
00:40:14,631 --> 00:40:16,792
You disappoint me, Lovejoy.
676
00:40:16,833 --> 00:40:21,167
I hate people who disappoint
me - it makes me very upset.
677
00:40:21,204 --> 00:40:24,196
You only gave me three days, Frank.
Pretty impossible task in three...
678
00:40:24,241 --> 00:40:27,938
- God made the world in six days.
- And look at it!
679
00:40:27,978 --> 00:40:31,311
- Sorry, Frank...
- You're a waste of space, Lovejoy.
680
00:40:31,348 --> 00:40:33,646
I want Harry to show you something.
681
00:40:33,683 --> 00:40:36,584
It's all right, Dad.
You don't need to do that.
682
00:40:38,021 --> 00:40:40,046
- Hello, stranger!
- Hi, Dad.
683
00:40:41,424 --> 00:40:43,722
So... how was Israel?
684
00:40:44,928 --> 00:40:47,453
Italy. Italy was fine.
685
00:40:47,497 --> 00:40:49,089
My daughter.
686
00:40:51,668 --> 00:40:53,499
I brought you something.
687
00:40:55,772 --> 00:40:57,262
Oh, that's kind of you.
688
00:40:57,307 --> 00:40:59,434
Sorry, I didn't have
any wrapping paper.
689
00:41:07,183 --> 00:41:08,878
Where the hell did you get this?!
690
00:41:08,919 --> 00:41:13,447
Uncle Harry told me you'd lost it,
so I used a few... contacts.
691
00:41:13,490 --> 00:41:16,391
See, Lovejoy?
Toerag like you couldn't find it,
692
00:41:16,426 --> 00:41:18,656
but my daughter, slip of a
thing, barely out of school...
693
00:41:18,695 --> 00:41:20,094
Dad!
694
00:41:20,130 --> 00:41:25,762
Look at that!
Isn't that a sight for sore eyes?
695
00:41:25,802 --> 00:41:29,795
The sword is often passed down
from generation to generation.
696
00:41:29,839 --> 00:41:32,034
Shut up, toerag. I know that.
697
00:41:32,075 --> 00:41:35,408
Exquisite craftsmanship! You know,
698
00:41:35,445 --> 00:41:38,812
I'm gonna make a donation to those
long-haired loonies you like so much.
699
00:41:38,848 --> 00:41:42,181
It's all right, Dad.
You already gave them twenty grand.
700
00:41:42,218 --> 00:41:43,617
What?
701
00:41:43,653 --> 00:41:45,177
I sold the Porsche.
702
00:41:45,221 --> 00:41:47,485
You what?!
703
00:41:47,524 --> 00:41:50,721
How dare you do a thing like
that without asking me first?
704
00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:53,661
I did.
You weren't listening, as usual.
705
00:41:53,697 --> 00:41:55,927
You two obviously have
a lot to talk about...
706
00:41:55,966 --> 00:41:58,764
No, you wait there, Lovejoy.
I want you to hear this.
707
00:41:58,802 --> 00:42:00,736
I gave you everything.
708
00:42:00,770 --> 00:42:03,034
- Except what I wanted.
- What?
709
00:42:03,073 --> 00:42:07,840
Love and respect!
You never respected me, Dad.
710
00:42:07,877 --> 00:42:09,777
I don't even know if you love me.
711
00:42:09,813 --> 00:42:11,940
I've always loved you.
712
00:42:11,982 --> 00:42:14,314
Yeah, well, you never told me that.
713
00:42:14,351 --> 00:42:16,819
- Course I did.
- Never!
714
00:42:16,853 --> 00:42:21,847
Women have a funny way of
remembering these things, Frank.
715
00:42:21,891 --> 00:42:23,688
I've got a daughter.
716
00:42:23,727 --> 00:42:25,820
Bet she treats you better than this.
717
00:42:25,862 --> 00:42:29,628
No, she doesn't. If she did,
I probably wouldn't deserve it.
718
00:42:29,666 --> 00:42:32,897
What are you talking about?!
You know I love you.
719
00:42:32,936 --> 00:42:35,336
How?
How do I know?
720
00:42:35,372 --> 00:42:38,341
Because I'm telling
you, you stupid girl!
721
00:42:42,912 --> 00:42:45,608
Sorry, Joanna.
722
00:42:45,649 --> 00:42:48,015
I do love you, you know.
723
00:42:52,288 --> 00:42:54,222
Yeah, I know, Dad.
724
00:42:55,358 --> 00:42:56,916
I'm sorry.
725
00:43:08,138 --> 00:43:10,470
Jo told me what you did.
726
00:43:10,507 --> 00:43:12,236
Oh. Very kind, Harry.
727
00:43:14,577 --> 00:43:16,204
(EXHALES)
728
00:43:16,246 --> 00:43:19,340
- Let's not fight again.
- We won't.
729
00:43:19,382 --> 00:43:20,906
We won't need to.
730
00:43:20,950 --> 00:43:23,919
- You'll treat me as a grown-up now.
- Course I am!
731
00:43:26,456 --> 00:43:27,616
It was me, Dad.
732
00:43:27,657 --> 00:43:28,954
What?
733
00:43:28,992 --> 00:43:31,256
It was me that stole the sword.
734
00:43:33,196 --> 00:43:34,629
- You?!
- Yep.
735
00:43:34,664 --> 00:43:38,191
I stole it, I nicked it, I sold it.
736
00:43:38,234 --> 00:43:41,533
You... you... you stole my sword?!
737
00:43:43,973 --> 00:43:45,167
Any news?
738
00:43:45,208 --> 00:43:47,176
We got the card table.
739
00:43:47,210 --> 00:43:49,041
I knew a bloke who was
born under a card table.
740
00:43:49,079 --> 00:43:52,014
His mother was a compulsive
gambler who'd drawn a royal flush
741
00:43:52,048 --> 00:43:53,515
and didn't want to leave the game.
742
00:43:53,550 --> 00:43:55,780
Any news about Lovejoy?
743
00:43:55,819 --> 00:43:57,309
(CAR HORN PEEPS)
744
00:43:58,421 --> 00:44:01,083
(PEEPS AGAIN)
745
00:44:01,124 --> 00:44:03,319
Ohhh...
746
00:44:03,359 --> 00:44:06,851
What's happening here? Hey?
Nothing to do? No work to do?
747
00:44:06,896 --> 00:44:08,158
Mwah!
748
00:44:08,198 --> 00:44:10,632
Oh, that's really sweet, Beth.
749
00:44:10,667 --> 00:44:13,101
You're obviously the
only one who cares.
750
00:44:13,136 --> 00:44:15,536
We were very worried
about you, Lovejoy.
751
00:44:15,572 --> 00:44:17,199
Yeah, you look like it, Tink!
752
00:44:17,240 --> 00:44:20,801
Lovejoy, I do think it's the height
of selfishness to go off like that
753
00:44:20,844 --> 00:44:22,641
and not tell anybody
what was happening.
754
00:44:22,679 --> 00:44:25,113
You're absolutely right.
I'm sorry, Charlotte.
755
00:44:25,148 --> 00:44:27,708
- Um... did I just hear an apology?
- You certainly did.
756
00:44:27,751 --> 00:44:29,013
Beth, Tink - I'm sorry.
757
00:44:29,052 --> 00:44:31,953
I'll tell you about it later.
OK, chop chop!
758
00:44:31,988 --> 00:44:34,354
We've got an auction
happening here, haven't we?
759
00:44:34,390 --> 00:44:37,587
You've got to sell that table of mine.
There's also someone I want you to meet.
760
00:44:37,627 --> 00:44:40,187
- Who?
- My daughter.
761
00:44:41,297 --> 00:44:44,289
Lovejoy!
How are you?
762
00:44:44,334 --> 00:44:48,270
- Jim, I'm fine.
- I had no idea. Charlotte told me.
763
00:44:48,304 --> 00:44:49,999
- Oh, I've been so worried.
- About your money?
764
00:44:50,039 --> 00:44:52,940
No, no, no.
About you.
765
00:44:52,976 --> 00:44:55,638
Well, you needn't worry any more.
I found out about the sword.
766
00:44:55,678 --> 00:44:57,839
- It'd been stolen.
- No!
767
00:44:57,881 --> 00:45:01,476
Yes. But I managed to get your wallet back.
Fiver's still in it.
768
00:45:01,518 --> 00:45:05,318
- Oh, thank God for that.
- Plus a hundred quid.
769
00:45:07,290 --> 00:45:11,021
- A hundred quid?!
- There were lots of palms to grease.
770
00:45:11,060 --> 00:45:13,324
There was the auctioneer's expenses,
771
00:45:13,363 --> 00:45:16,196
my commission and your
contribution to Greenpeace.
772
00:45:17,500 --> 00:45:18,660
Greenpeace?
773
00:45:20,036 --> 00:45:21,435
(MOUTHS)
774
00:45:21,485 --> 00:45:26,035
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