Original subtitles

_

- (PHONE CHIMES) - Ugh, it's Clem.

- She can't watch Lark. - What?

- Hmm. - Yeah. She says:

I'm going to have to, quote,

"make up some excuse to Jen and Greg."

- (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh.

"Whoops, wrong number. But I'm sick."

- (GROANS) - No, this is unacceptable.

This is the third time we've caught Clem in a lie. Man!

I mean, we deserve a real sitter, you know?

Someone so good that she could literally break up our marriage.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

The days are gone where you can just pick up a sitter at a bar.

- Mmm. - No, you have to find them online now.

Online? (LAUGHS)

I'm sorry, when did we get ugly?

Yeah. All right,

we're looking for the perfect person,

not the perfect mattress. Huh?

- Hey-o. - You know what, guys?

There's no stigma about it.

All the parents do it, okay?

Just like this... Sitter Seeker.

- Huh. - Yeah. Make yourself a profile.

Put your stuff out there.

- This is how I found Ashleen. - JEN: Ooh.

What is her number?

(LAUGHS, MUMBLES)

Nice try.

Wow, there are so many profiles for babysitters.

I mean, this must be what online dating is like.

Yeah, and we really missed the boat on that one.

I can see why it's so addictive, though.

It's like shoe shopping, but for people.

First things first... we need to create a profile.

- Oh, okay. - All right?

- So let's take a profile pic. - Oh, fun.

- Oh, people like laughter. So... - Oh, that's great,

because I got a really funny joke.

- No, fake laughter's fine. Ready? - Okay.

One, two, three.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Oh, no. Greg, that's terrible.

It looks like a ransom photo, and you're holding me hostage.

Mm.

Let's just use our wedding photo.

Good idea. I will Photoshop in my missing tooth.

Yeah.

Now you're gonna do that?

(FOOTFALLS APPROACHING)

(GASPS) Are you checking? No one likes us, do they?

I knew my eyebrows were too thin on our wedding day.

- Six matches, babe. - No way.

- Yeah. - Let me see.

- Now, out of the gate, my fav? - Uh-huh?

Kelly. She thinks mean people suck, and she loves pizza.

Okay, Greg, but we're looking for a sitter,

not, like, a 13-year-old best friend.

Okay. How about Kelli with an "I"?

She "don't need no drama," and neither do we.

You know what, that's a lot of all caps.

And too many exclamation points. It might be a coke thing.

Yeah, that's a good catch.

(GASPS) Greg. Look.

Jordana.

- She's... - (HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS)

The one.

- (CHOIR STOPS) - Ugh, I hate pop-up ads.

JEN: Her name is Jordana,

she's in law school, and she was a counselor

at Camp Running Wolf.

Oh. Well, she sounds just like you.

I know. Isn't it the best?

Also, she speaks two languages, English and restaurant Spanish.

- Mmm. - When does she start? In either language.

Well, we haven't met her yet.

Or, um, really heard back from her.

But I have a very good feeling about it.

Me, too. In fact, I e-mailed her a joke last night

when I couldn't sleep, so the bonding's already begun.

I'm sorry, what? You sent her another message?

Well, actually, it was two e-mails.

The first e-mail was the setup,

and then the second e-mail was the punch line.

Greg, why would you do that?

- Do you know how desperate that looks? - I know.

So I sent another e-mail saying, "We are not desperate."

- No. - But if I'm being honest,

- that felt a little bit desperate. - Yeah.

So then I sent an e-mail

- that said, "JK. Ha-ha-ha. LOL." - No.

Even though that technically means the same thing.

Greg, you blew this.

I didn't blow anything, all right?

But, look, if you feel so strongly about it,

- let me fix it. - Oh! Get...

- (PHONE CHIMES) - What? No.

- Here we... wait. Oh, look. - What?

- It's her. - (GASPS)

She wants to meet!

- (SCREAMS) - Yes!

Oh, my God! Honey, you did it.

- I love you so much. - Oh, I love you.

- I'm so sorry. - Oh, my God, you don't have to be sorry.

What a... what a head on this guy, what a brain, huh?

Hey, you want to do some fight kissing of our own?

- Come on, say something nasty. - Oh, Tim, shut up.

That's so stupid.

Oh. Nice.

- That hits the spot. - (LAUGHS)

Jordana! Come on in.

Hi. It's so nice to meet you. Hi.

- Oh, yeah. - Hey.

I'm sorry I'm a little bit messy.

I just came from an art class that I teach.

I also teach ballet, if you ever think Lark

would be interested in either of those.

Don't know. We-we'd have to ask her.

Yeah. Yeah. And we will.

- But, I mean, not that she's in charge. - No. We are.

We're... yeah, we're very much in charge.

- But, um... - Yeah. We're parents.

- We like to include her. - Yeah.

Just play it cool like I am.

Uh-huh. Hey, welcome to the family.

- Oh. - Nope. Okay.

? There's nothing in the dark ?

? So don't be afraid ?

? Lark. ?

Yes! Oh, I loved that!

And I usually hate ukulele.

- Ooh-kulele. - That's why.

Man, Lark is gonna love you.

I wish she wasn't napping, so you could meet her.

Oh, well, maybe she'll wake up.

Oh, well, uh, if she does, you'll know,

- because she's a screamer. - Yeah.

Oh, I get it. My niece does that, too.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

It usually just means that there's

a paranormal presence in the child's bedroom disturbing her.

A what, now?

A ghost.

Now, does Lark sleep in her bed

or floating above it?

I can check the monitor.

And we'll get back to you.

Okay.

- We'll circle back. - Yeah.

See? This is great.

I mean, we... we don't even need a babysitter.

No. Look at us. We are chilling at home,

watching Lark ourselves.

If we had a board game, we could totally play it.

- We don't even need to go out. - No.

- (PHONE CHIMES) - Is it a match?

Miranda. Former preschool teacher.

Olympic alternate?

- (GASPS) - Okay, we need to craft the perfect response.

This time, I'm Photoshopping my eyebrows.

I didn't want to say anything before,

but I've already mocked something up.

Why did you do both of our eyebrows?

_

You should have seen Ryan at his last wrestling match.

He dominated.

Well, I was just trying to show off for my girl.

Man, that's risky... Thinking about a girl

while wearing one of those tight wrestling singlets. (LAUGHS)

What do you mean?

Yeah, what-what do you mean, Tim?

Well, great dinner, Mrs. Hughes.

Let me clean up for you.

Oh. He's so polite.

Thank you, Ryan.

And please, call her Heater.

(LAUGHS): Yeah.

That's a family joke.

- (QUIETLY): Marry him now. - Yes.

Tell me it's true love, because I am dying inside.

- Me, too, babe, me, too. - You guys, stop.

My relationship is none of your business.

Things are more casual these days.

You wouldn't get it.

You know, you know what? Teenagers always think

that their parents don't understand, but they do.

We have the same bodies, we have the same... urges.

Seriously, please just stay out of it and let me enjoy my life.

What are we gonna get him for his birthday?

Something big.

Oh. Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

Aren't you Ryan's mom?

- Yeah. - Yes. Have we met?

No. No, no. I'm Heather Hughes.

Samantha's mom.

Yeah. Oh, gosh, we just love Ryan so much.

He makes my daughter very happy.

You know, I'm sorry, I am blanking right now.

Which one is Samantha?

Sorry, "w-which one"?

Oh, well, you know how it gets with these kids.

Everybody is dating everybody nowadays.

- Huh. - Isn't it so nasty, but kind of fun?

Ryan is juggling so many girls.

His mom didn't even know which one Sam was.

She thought Sam had black hair,

with a bunch of eyebrow piercings.

Which says a lot about Ryan's taste.

That's a whole other conversation.

Maybe Sam already knows about the piercing girls.

You know, kids are different today.

They're all "low-key," and "on the Kinsey scale,"

and "turnt."

Come on, we both know Sam's not that cool.

There is no way she knows about this,

and I'm gonna tell her.

Let's just make sure we get all the facts before we risk

ruining our relationship with her,

which is actually pretty good right now.

I mean, she hasn't called you "bitch"

under her breath in a long time.

Fine. But when we are positive,

I get to say that he is a frickin' piece of crap,

and doesn't deserve to be a part of this family.

Aw, that was your dad's toast at our wedding.

You know,

a patient of mine was telling me about their open marriage.

So what do you guys think about that?

Sam, why don't you go first?

I don't care.

You don't care about my cousin's open marriage.

Patient, babe. It's your patient.

Right, my pa... Yeah, patient, too.

Yeah, every-everyone's doing it.

Is that what everybody's doing, Sam? Open?

If you're asking if I'm okay with you guys

having an open relationship, I don't care.

Just make sure it's not with any of my teachers.

Okay, well, uh, why don't you call Ryan

and see what he thinks about it, 'cause,

you know, he's super smart.

No! Leave me alone and get back to your threesome!

(CHUCKLES) What am I worried about?

You guys are so gross, nobody's gonna want to be with you.

Okay, bye, honey. Bye.

(CRYING): Mom! The worst thing ever just happened. It's Ryan.

Oh, no. Did you, did you find something out?

Yes. He broke his leg at a wrestling match.

You have to take me to the hospital to see him.

Okay, are you sure he actually broke his leg?

Because these guys will use just the craziest excuses.

What kind of a question is that?

The literal love of my life is fully dying right now,

and if you don't take me to see him,

- you're the actual devil. - Oh.

Uh-oh. I think I just heard her say...

- (WHISPERS): "bitch." - Yeah. I heard her.

If you're here to see Ryan, don't bother.

Apparently, he's got

all the girlfriends he needs.

But I'm Ryan's girlfriend.

Yeah, there's, like, five of us.

Typical male stuff.

We're gonna organize a march if you're interested.

Oh, hi!

How sweet of you to come.

So this is your mom?

When we ran into each other the other day,

we were trying to figure out which one

- of Ryan's girlfriends you were. - What?

Well, you know, you should go and see him

once that big one leaves.

You knew this whole time that Ryan was seeing other girls?

Yes, but I...

Why didn't you tell me? You're my mom!

We're supposed to talk about everything.

(GROANS)

(KNOCKING)

SAMANTHA: I said, leave me alone!

You can do so much better, okay?

Because you are, like, a ten,

and he's a zero. Not that I think rating women is okay.

Yeah, I hope that turd gets maimed in a wrestling accident

and has to live the whole rest of his life

with a plastic wiener that's computer-controlled

and it malfunctions in business meetings and embarrasses him!

Yeah, that!

How could you talk about him like that? That's my boyfriend.

Really? You're okay with him having all these girlfriends?

No. I told him he had to choose, and he chose me.

Oh.

It was so romantic.

But I guess you wouldn't understand, since you hate love!

No.

Let's never talk to her again.

Okay.

_

(LAUGHING)

I can't believe you spent ten years in Brazil.

Was it romantic?

(SPEAKS PORTUGUESE)

That means "very romantic" in Portuguese.

- Fancy! - Yeah!

I got dumped by so many hot guys.

- Oh, that sounds amazing. - Oh, so fun.

My half-sister is such an adventurer.

Mm. Speaking of adventures, how's the baby-making?

Um, not great, actually.

Uh, we did IVF, and we got a couple of viable embryos,

but my doctor's worried I'm not gonna be able to carry them,

so... I don't know.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Oh, it's just another roadblock in a relationship full of them.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm so sorry that I'm late. Hi.

- Hi-ee! - Hi-ee!

- Oh, so that's genetic. - (LAUGHING)

- It's so nice to meet you, Rita. - Hi, nice to meet you.

- Hey. - Hi. Oh, we do two.

- Mwah, mwah. - Oh. Mwah, mwah.

- (SPEAKS PORTUGUESE) - (CHUCKLES)

This is gonna sound so crazy. Have we met before?

No, I don't...

- I don't think so. No, right? - Oh, no. No.

No?

I had sex with Colleen's sister.

(SNORTS) Noice.

Just when I think you can't get any cooler, you go

and have sex with one of your wife's family members. Man!

No, man, I didn't cheat on Colleen.

It was a one-night stand 12 years ago in Cancun.

Greg was there.

Spring break! Errybody got some on that trip.

I met this one chica at the Cancun Public Library.

I was checking out Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,

but she checked me out.

The library in Cancun?

Yeah, but there they call it a biblioteca.

And I biblio-took-a her virginity,

if you know what I mean.

So you gonna tell Colleen or can I?

No, I have to. "Can I"?

What the hell's the matter with you?

You... passed the test.

- Colleen? - Matt.

- Hey, honey. Uh, we have to talk. - Hey.

Okay, but first, I have really good news.

- Mm-hmm. - Rita wants to be our surrogate.

What?

I'm gonna carry your baby. (LAUGHS)

Wha... no.

Oh, honey, look, I want this more than anything,

but Rita cannot be our surrogate.

- Why not? - Why?

Uh, I don't really know how to say this, but...

Rita and I had sex.

What? I will kill you!

No, we didn't.

Yes, we did. 12 years ago in Cancun.

No, we definitely didn't have sex. Colleen, I swear.

- I keep Polaroids... I would know. - MATT: I'm so sorry.

Look, I wish that I could take back that sweaty, drunken night

in the bathroom at Se�or Frog's.

- Ew. - Ew.

What, you don't remember? I had the frosted tips

and the awesome blond goatee.

- Ew! - Ew!

You... you have a...

a tattoo of a dolphin riding a surfboard on your left wrist!

No, I don't. My boyfriend in high school was Jewish.

Joshy, remember? And I want to be buried next to him.

- What? - Matt,

what are you doing? We've had enough problems,

and now you're just, like, inventing them.

MATT: All right, uh,

we'll fill 'em in when they get here. Okay.

Uh, okay,

we are thrilled to announce

Rita has agreed to be our surrogate.

(GASPING)

Oh, my goodness, honey!

Congratulations! Oh!

So, is she the bun or the oven?

Just tell me which one is gonna get big.

- (GLASS CLINKING) - TIM: Toast! Toast!

As the future godfather, I would like to say a few words.

MATT: We're not doing godparents, but you know what,

go right ahead, man.

Thank you for letting me be the godfather.

This is a great honor.

That's all I prepared.

- Oh, it was great! - Okay, very nice.

Hey, sorry we're late.

Oh, no. Did we miss the big announcement?

Yeah. Um, so...

Oh, Snape!

Severus?

- Severus? - (LAUGHS)

No one's called you that since we... Oh, no.

Well, we met at the Cancun Public Library

and spent the night together.

And I said Harry Potter could never get you laid.

- What a terrible way to be proven wrong. - Mm.

How did the space training go?

The wha... ah.

Good. Very good.

I am a professional astronaut now.

Right, everyone?

Well, I honestly don't know

what any of my kids do, so it's possible.

So what if she slept with Greg once?

- Thrice. - Three times, hard.

- Huh. - Noice.

Wow, wow, wow.

This is fun for me. (LAUGHS)

But I think we have to go now. Right, honey?

Because Greg is leaving for the space station tomorrow,

and you all know how much I cherish his time on Earth.

There's a lot of love for Greg in this room.

Thanks, Mom. That's the reception I was hoping for

when I made the biggest announcement of our lives.

She can, she can still be our surrogate, right?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - (CHEERS)

I mean, it's not weird that, you know,

somebody that Greg slept with three times

is gonna give birth to our child.

That's not gonna haunt my dreams.

No.

Actually, it was four times.

- Four. - How do you say "four"

like "thrice"? "Frice"?

That's a head-scratcher, hey.

All right, bye-bye then.

_

Honey, I don't think you're supposed to actually do

the bowling ball test in the store.

No, they want that.

That's why they put it in the commercials.

Why don't you wait in the car and let me handle this.

Because sometimes, big decisions, they paralyze you.

- Look, this will be quick and painless. - Hi.

Hi. I want to see every one of your mattresses.

Oh.

Let's show you around. You know, we actually have

a rack for bowling balls.

Oh. Eh, do you have a corkscrew?

You know it. I drink at work all the time.

Feels like I'm sleeping on angel balls.

SALESMAN: That makes sense.

This one's actually from our Angel Series.

- Done deal. - (SALESMAN CHUCKLES)

Yeah, put this in the "maybe" pile.

Another one for the "maybe" pile.

What do you think?

It's perfect.

A little too perfect.

How can a mattress be too perfect?

That's what I'm wondering, Joanie.

Please, John, just choose one.

Look, maybe you're ready to commit

to the first one that makes you feel good.

You know, gets your rocks off.

Me? I'm a romantic.

- I'm looking for "the one." - Oh.

Dig deep, Dusty. Are you sure

you've shown us every mattress?

There's one mattress the employees use

for naps and quickies.

(WATER SLOSHING)

Oh, John. I will even sleep on this.

Just choose.

Don't rush me.

Just let me take it for a spin.

No.

No. Let's go try that first bed we looked at again.

Joanie?

JOAN: I haven't slept in a while

because we need a new bed,

and your father refuses to make a decision.

I'm a perfectionist.

Is that why you're wearing two different shoes?

- Hmm? - You know what you should do?

You should, uh, get a bed online.

I'm not gonna stand on line for a bed.

What is this, the depression?

No, we did it. Yeah, it's really easy. You just go online,

you put in your measurements and your sleep habits.

Yeah. For instance, I learned that Greg sleeps

in a position experts like to call "the full-grown fetus."

Well, John, let's get the Internet bed.

It's perfect because the computer

makes the decision for you.

Yeah, maybe. We'll-we'll come over tonight

- and give her a test drive. - (JOAN SIGHS)

Sorry, w-what do you mean by test drive?

Well, I like to give a bed a run for its money.

You know, lie down, roll around, get on all fours.

Make sure it can handle all my moves.

All right, let's see what we're working with here.

- Wha...? - Whoa, Dad. What are you doing?

This is how I sleep at home.

T-shirt, no pants.

Winnie the Pooh style.

Uh, hate to break it to you, Pooh Bear,

but this is a "pants on" type of party.

Jen, who gave you this comforter?

Uh, I picked it out.

Oh, why?

I think that's a rhetorical question, right?

Probably.

Oh. I love this.

Come on, John. Let's go home

and get started.

You know, we've got to get a mattress soon,

or I might lose my plucky, upbeat demeanor.

(CHUCKLES)

John, move!

Uh, all right.

Smells like ass in here, anyway.

Always fun having 'em over.

JOAN: John, our mattress came in the mail.

Hmm.

It's all shriveled.

It reminds me of the time I had

to help my grandfather get into his swimming trunks.

It'll grow once it's out in the open.

Yeah, that's what my grandpa used to say.

Oh.

I'm not so sure this is the winner, Joanie.

(SIGHS)

It smells like that old fridge

I got stuck in when I was a kid.

Here. I'll hold the box.

You put the bed back in.

No.

- If this bed isn't good enough... - Mm.

Then nothing will be.

You have to pick out

- a new mattress today... - Mm-hmm.

Or you're sleeping on the sofa.

Geez.

Maybe if you got some more sleep,

you wouldn't be such a downer.

Oh, I hope we don't get that same salesman.

- Mmm. - Ugh.

(SALESMAN LAUGHS)

Dudes! Are you kidding?

I thought you might have died.

My husband has made a decision.

John, tell him what you want.

I want the Angel Series 2000.

But I want it for a thousand.

It's an $800 mattress.

Deal. Thank you.

- I'm so happy. - It's a great choice.

Best part is, that mattress comes with a 30-year warranty.

So it'll be the last mattress you ever have to buy.

Oh, that's great

because I never want to go through

this miserable process again.

30 years. So that makes it my deathbed, huh?

Whoa, this changes everything.

No.

This decision is too big to be rushed.

- I should sleep on it. - Oh, no.

Where should I start?

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