Original subtitles

_

Oh. Chase.

Just want to thank you again

for bringing me on board your new company.

Oh, Greg, I never forget my hardest-working employees.

And you were the only one who wasn't taken down

by a feminist blog.

This Spotz app is genius.

I mean, Airbnb for your driveway.

How many times have I looked at my driveway and thought,

"How can I make money off of you?"

Not once, you know,

which is why I didn't think of this.

Well, thinking of apps

and standing to pee is a young man's game.

Okay. Well, I'll write that down.

Greg, meet the team.

This is Austin. You probably know her

from her gamertag, PookieGunner.

'Sup?

Sandy, aka BedBathAndBeyonc�.

Mister.

And Edward,

better known as

- Booger-X. - Oh! (LAUGHS)

Booger, like Revenge of the Nerds.

I don't know that podcast.

No, it's a movie. I-I'll bring in a DVD for you sometime.

So you can rip it onto a link.

SoundCloud.

(LAUGHS)

Okay, guys, tell you what.

Why don't you put him on the group text

and bring him up to speed.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go sit down and take a pee.

What's up, Mario Van Peoples?

Feeling some donuts?

Compliments of DJGreg420WhuWhu.

(PHONES CHIME)

(LAUGHTER)

We're off gluten.

Maybe I can return these.

Oh, Jen, it's the worst. Everyone hates me.

I can't fit in. I just...

I'm sorry. I just needed to hear a friendly voice.

Your mom didn't pick up, huh?

No, she didn't.

You know, I mean,

they all have these inside jokes.

I mean, I'm-I'm looking at the bathroom wall.

It's covered in graffiti

where they make fun of each other.

You know, "Jay is gross."

"Pat smells his wipes."

"Jacob doesn't recycle." I mean...

Nothing about old Greg.

You're not eating in the bathroom, are you?

What? No way.

(MOUTH FULL): You know, I'm really thinking

it was a mistake taking this job.

Oh, honey, don't worry about it.

You'll figure out how to speak their language.

Yeah, but how do I do that?

Well, you're eating in the bathroom

while talking to your wife, so maybe start with not that.

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHS)

I saw what you jokesters wrote in the bathroom about me.

(SCOFFS) Classic.

Hey! Listen up, everybody.

Emergency meeting, my office, right now.

Angry face emoji.

There's some serious stuff happening in the bathroom.

More serious than when Larry hung himself in there?

That was bad.

Or when Andrea had her baby in there?

Ooh, that was bad, too,

but this is worse.

Whoever wrote that about Greg crossed the line.

Oh, oh, i-it's fine.

I mean, really, it's...

Got to have a-a thick skin if you're gonna

be in the Spotz gang.

Isn't that right, PookieHunterGamer?

PookieGunner.

I was close.

Death threats, hate speech, body shaming,

all in one horrible scribble?

It's not okay.

Talking about...

that area? Not okay.

Pointing out this?

Not okay.

Why don't we talk about what's up here

or what's in here.

Okay, if you're a woman,

I guess let's just stick to what's up here.

That's a beautiful blouse, by the way.

So, who was it?

Okay.

If you're not man enough to...

Can't say that.

If you don't have the balls to tell me that it was you,

then we're just gonna get a handwriting analysis

and find out the culprit that way.

When I find out who did

the crime in the bathroom,

they will be terminated and prosecuted.

(WORKERS MURMURING)

Greg, what are you doing?

I don't know. I was just trying to fit in.

That's, like, the definition

of creating a hostile work environment.

Why would you write that?

Matt used to say it to me all the time when we were kids.

I knew I should've gone with

his other insult, "Greg is adopted."

You know, but we have this Russian kid there,

and he has two dads, so it felt kind of risky, you know?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

When I said to learn to speak their language,

I meant, like, buy a hat.

I did buy a hat. You threw it away.

Well, it was a stupid hat.

Chase, uh...

I'm sorry, but we need to talk

about what was written in the bathroom.

I know, buddy. Have a seat.

I just got off the phone with my entire board of directors.

I'm out. They suspended me.

W-Why? I mean, you didn't write that stuff in the bathroom.

I assume.

No way to tell. I wasn't allowed to analyze the handwriting.

The board feels that I've created

a toxic work environment, and I have to agree.

You know how many times I've gone home crying

after someone wrote something horrible about me?

Yeah, yeah, I read that thing about your man boobs.

But if it makes you feel any better,

I did not notice until I read it.

You're a good guy, Greg.

That's why the board wants you to take over.

What? Me?

Hey, boss man. How's work?

Those teenagers still being mean to you?

Well, you tell me.

Listen to what my team wrote about me

on the bathroom wall.

"Must be nice to be an old loser

who gets promoted after two days." (CHUCKLES)

I'm finally fitting in.

Oh, wow.

Life has a funny way of working out.

Hey, uh, any luck getting rid of what you wrote?

No, they told me they're gonna have to retile.

Guess I shouldn't have written it so big.

_

(GASPS)

ALL: Aw!

Jen, you wretched thing, how am I supposed to handle

that adorable dress?

I mean, just kill me. Just end it all now.

JEN: Lark, what do you say?

Thank you, Easter Bunny.

- Aw. - Thank you... Oh.

- She thinks I'm the Easter Bunny. - (LAUGHTER)

We are doing such a good job.

Isn't this just a little sanctimonious?

Uh... maybe.

(AAHING, LAUGHTER)

I got to trade my kids in for a new model.

Someone got resurrected today, and we're just sitting here

obsessing over the third most boring person in our family.

Who are the first two...

No offense, you guys.

Hungwy.

Are you speaking Korean?

I thought you and Sung-sook had a falling out.

We want p'sghetti.

Okay, honey, I don't know what you're doing,

but I assume that you're making fun of me

in some sort of complicated way that I don't understand.

So no TV for you tonight, okay?

Uh...

You have no idea how much I enjoyed that.

It's your second helping, so I'm guessing a lot.

I meant your desperation. I think you need to start

wetting your pants again to really sell it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) You forget, I was the cute one before you.

Then some thing clawed its way out of Mom,

turned the family into a Sophia cult.

Well, that'll never happen with Lark and me.

She's so stale.

She's like if two blah white people had a baby.

Hey, babe, you know what I love?

- Quinoa? - Yeah.

Don't worry, Clementine and Tyler

won't go five years without getting pregnant.

And Lark'll be out on her ass, too.

JOAN: Oh, I can't!

I can't live on a planet this adorable!

Just weigh me down and throw me in the river!

Mine's twirlier.

Okay. Sophie, stop it. You look like you're tripping on acid.

You want to know what? What if we just, um...

Oh. Here you go.

- JOAN: Oh... - Oh. Good?

My!

Just decapitate me!

(QUIETLY): These are empty threats, right?

- (CAMERA CLICKING) - Hey, uh, Sophia,

can-can you move a little bit, please?

No, no, no. Other way. You're in the frame.

There you go. Yeah, keep going.

A little more. Bucket's still in.

Bucket's still in. There we go.

All right, Lark. Smile. Perfect.

JOHN: I want a copy of that.

I'm gonna tape it on my computer

as my new screen saver.

Happy Easter, everyone.

It's time for our under-fives to get ready for the egg hunt!

You hear that, Lark?

You gonna win the egg hunt, like we said?

I will win that the most!

- Really cute. - (SIGHS)

- Right, Sophia? - Shut it, Samantha.

Ready, set, and go!

GREG: Lark. Larkie.

Go get that big blue egg.

Yeah!

- Oh, look at her. - Oh, look at her.

GREG: To the right, Lark, to the right.

- Oh, no. Not the rock. - JEN: Aw.

Well, you know, she probably felt bad

that the rock wasn't getting any attention.

SOPHIA: She doesn't even know her colors.

Or left from right.

Sophia, what are you doing?

You snooze, you lose.

Sophia. Those aren't for you!

What on earth? What the...?

No!

Wh-What's that young lady doing?

Where are her parents?

JOAN: Honey. Please.

Don't do that.

Okay, what do we do?

- I think we just do the right thing. - Yeah.

Whose monster child is this?

Yeah! Get that girl off the field, huh?

SAMANTHA: Careful.

Those'll mess you up.

My tolerance is off the charts at this point.

I don't even feel it.

You sure showed those three-year-olds.

Their parents are calling you Godzilla.

I'm not proud I destroyed Tokyo, okay?

So if you're here to make fun of me,

why don't you just go somewhere and have puberty.

I'm not gonna make fun of you.

Mom and Dad wanted me to give you this.

Ten bucks? Why?

They said it's only half of what's yours

if you don't call them Mom and Dad till we leave the park.

Fine by me.

Hey, life isn't over

because you aren't the cute one anymore.

This just means it's time to reinvent yourself.

Find a new thing.

Uh, but don't sulk. That's my thing.

Give me one of those.

Okay, ready?

(CHUCKLES)

- What are you doing? - Gotcha!

(CHUCKLES) I'm a practical jokester now.

You been Soph'd!

Okay, well, just clean all this up when you're done, all right?

Ketchup stains.

- (SIGHS) - Maybe keep trying.

_

Hey, John.

Hey! I didn't recognize you without my son.

Do you want some breakfast?

Uh... well, it's 5:00 o'clock.

Oh? Well, I'm going back to bed.

JOAN: Who's in here?

Who is in here? Say hi to Mommy!

- (JOAN IMITATES SPUTTERING CAR) - Wow.

Looks like you two had some fun.

I made Cheeto my baby.

Is he in diapers?

That's crazy. He's 49.

JEN: You know what, sweetie?

I love his beautiful necklace,

but it looks very fancy, so I think

we should just take it off and give it back to Mom-Mom.

Jen, if you like the necklace, why don't you keep it?

Oh, no. No, no. I couldn't take your necklace.

Sure you can. I never wear it.

And I'd love for you to have something of mine.

It'd make me so happy

to see you enjoy it while I still have half a brain.

(LAUGHS)

Joanie, what is that, face crabs?

Hurry, hurry

while there's still some of my quiche left.

I made it with marshmallow, so it's both savory and sweet.

Mmm. Mmm. Yum. Best of both worlds.

You know what? I'm just so full. Couldn't eat another bite.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, you're wearing the necklace?

It looks beautiful on you.

Oh, thank you. I love it.

I haven't taken it off. (LAUGHS)

Here, let me help you.

Oh, thank you.

I'll owe you big

if you can throw out Colleen's quiche without her seeing it.

Yeah, yeah, I think I'll throw it in the trash, though,

'cause the last one broke the garbage disposal.

- Oh, my gosh, that's right. - Ooh, yeah.

Oh, hey,

how does your mom feel about getting naked?

- Hmm? - I was thinking about taking her

to the Korean spa.

Oh, she loves being naked, like, too much.

Like, my entire childhood felt like one big Cinemax movie.

Wow.

Where'd you get that necklace?

Oh, your mom gave it to me.

- Isn't it gorgeous? - Oh. Yeah.

- Thanks. - That's nice. I'm glad she decided

to keep it in the family.

Will you excuse me for one second?

I just can't get enough of this quiche, Colleen!

COLLEEN: I knew you'd like it!

Mom, how could you give Jen my necklace?

You and Dad gave it to me when I was 16.

Oh, no. We did, didn't we?

For not getting pregnant.

No, you gave me the Celica for not getting pregnant.

The necklace you gave me for my birthday.

I thought that I lost it.

You're gonna have to go get that back.

Oh, this is terrible.

Don't beat yourself up, Mom. It's okay. I forgive you.

No, it's just Jen loves the necklace

and it's brought us closer,

and I don't know how I can ask for it back.

Well, I think the same way that you asked for my Celica back

when I did get pregnant.

(SIGHS)

(KNOCKING)

JOAN: Hello, Jen!

- Hi. - Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!

I-I just wanted to return your pie plate from brunch.

Oh, you didn't have to do that,

especially because it's not mine.

Oh. Well, I-I have to go to the bathroom.

Would you excuse me?

Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Uh, Joan?

(GASPS)

I lied.

I didn't have to go to the bathroom.

I always go before I leave the house.

Yeah. It troubles me that I know that about you.

I was looking for the necklace I gave you.

It's Heather's.

Oh.

Oh, that's why she was staring at my chest all morning.

I had completely forgotten. I'm so sorry.

I was gonna replace it with this replica that John made.

Yeah, that-that looks like a marble on some fishing line.

Yeah, I knew you'd know, but he had me convinced, and...

It's-it's okay. Really.

It still means a lot

that you wanted to give it to me.

It made me feel like a daughter.

(CHUCKLES) Which makes sense, because it is your daughter's.

You know, my son is so lucky.

I don't know what he's always complaining about.

So you're saying he-he complains about me?

Here it is, dear.

Oh, Mom, you didn't have to do that.

You told me I did.

And then Tim called and said I'd better.

And then the kids called and threatened me.

Oh. Did they?

- Yeah. - Aw.

I hope Jen wasn't too upset.

No, she was very mature and understanding, elegant even.

Which is why I gave her those little earrings,

you know, the lotus flowers.

The-the ones that you got me for my high school graduation.

Oh, no.

_

I just think it's really weird to stab somebody that you love.

Is this really the only way we can do IVF?

Yes, babe. And you have to get used to it,

because we have to do it every day.

Hormones are not the kind of thing

you can wrap in peanut butter and swallow.

I asked.

Okay, this is just really hard for me, you know?

- Yeah. - Because I'm really scared of needles.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Just do it.

- Okay. - No, wait, I'm not ready.

- (EXHALES) - Just do it.

- I'm not ready. - (GRUNTS)

- (SHOUTING) - Oh, s...

Hi!

Hey! Who's ready to do some shots?

(CHUCKLES)

I really appreciate you helping us with our IVF.

I've asked literally everyone else, and no one would do it.

That's how I get 90% of my patients.

Oh, I'm just so nervous, and Matt is a mess.

And then my needle kit fell out on the bus,

and I got all these unsettling winks.

Oh, I hear you. I used to get shots all the time.

And before you jump to the obvious...

Diabetes.

Steroids... in med school,

I used to let my classmates practice giving shots on me.

Ten bucks a pop.

Oh. People used to pay me in college, too.

For... stuff.

Please don't make this weird, Colleen.

Just turn around, drop your pants,

and let's make a baby.

Okay. (CHUCKLES) Here we go.

Just give me a little heads-up, okay?

- Sure. - Because, uh, I'm really nervous,

and my-my reflexes are crazy.

- Done! - So when you get... What?

Tim!

You really are a great doctor!

Eh, it was nothing.

That was incredible. I didn't feel a thing.

I just always assumed you were terrible.

Funny, that's exactly what Heather said

when I got her pregnant.

Hmm.

Psst!

Oh! (GRUNTS) Hey!

- Hey! - You're, uh...

you're early!

Yeah, I'm really excited for your medical magic.

It's like you're one of those chickens

that can play tic-tac-toe.

Like, you don't believe it's possible,

and all of a sudden, there you are;

he's beating you three straight. (CHUCKLES)

Now, I don't mean

to be nosy, but I am. What's that?

That? Oh, that... Uh, yarn.

Surgical yarn.

Okay, I knit. It relaxes me.

But just please don't tell the family, okay?

'Cause then they'll finally have something to tease me about.

There it is.

Aw! I think it's so sweet.

- Yeah. See? - What is that, a... pot holder?

Or... No! It's a sweater.

Or vest. I...

Maybe it's a sweater vest.

- Let me help you. - You know how to knit?

- Oh. - Yeah, my mother wouldn't buy me

a thong, so my abuelita knitted me one.

It was very progressive, and also very uncomfortable.

Whoa, look at you! You're like a regular...

- famous knitter. - (CHUCKLES) There you go.

These past few weeks have been nice.

- Yeah. - I like that we have our

private little club, and...

it's kind of fun keeping another secret from my wife, you know?

- (CHUCKLES) - Oh, you know what?

I'll undo mine. I'll undo mine. You keep going.

- Oh! You're so patient. - Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

You know what, you are gonna make a great mom.

Aw. Thank you so much, Tim.

Sure.

- Psst! - It was clogged when I went in there!

No... What? No, come here, man.

Colleen told me your little secret.

What? You can't trust her. She's a liar.

No, she says you're a great doctor.

Oh. Then I take back what I just said. She's lovely.

I was wondering if you would teach me

how to give her the shots myself.

Oh, no, I don't mind doing the shots.

And despite what I just said,

I really do value her friendship.

Okay, but I need to overcome this.

If-if I can do it, man, she'll be really happy.

Okay. Look, it's gonna be hard to stick this

into someone you respect, so just pretend I'm somebody else.

I have to, uh, sanitize the area here

and get a little bit of a...

(SHOUTS)

Oh! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

You just pumped estrogen into my kidneys!

Oh, no.

Breathe better.

Huh.

Nah.

(KNOCKING) Hi!

- Oh! Hey! - Just wanted to stop by

and say thank you so much for everything.

- Matt is doing great. - (CHUCKLES)

Well, not exactly great.

But at least he's stopped crying and he waits

- until I leave to throw up. - (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Well, it took a lot of work.

Matt treated me like a voodoo doll.

Somewhere out there, there's a giant Tim

- who's in a lot of pain. - (CHUCKLES)

I'm really gonna miss our needle parties.

- Yeah, me, too. - Yeah.

Hey. This is for you.

- Aw. - For helping me learn to knit.

Thank you.

For when you get pregnant. They're baby booties.

Oh.

- So cute. - Yeah.

Synced and corrected by Octavia - www.addic7ed.com -

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0